(upbeat music) – Welcome to Ear Biscuits, I’m Link. – And I’m Rhett. This week at the round table of dim lighting, we’re gonna be talking about first kiss stories. We’ve got stories, you’ve got stories, and we’ve actually got some of our Mythical Entertainment crew members who also have some stories. – Yeah. So we’ll go down memory lane. And it’s gonna get a little awkward. Well no, it won’t get awkward, we’ll just be unpacking the awkward. So maybe that’ll make it less awkward. – Though sometimes that makes people feel awkward when you talk about awkward things. – But it won’t in this case. – Not in this case. – Don’t you worry. – No awkward analogies or anything. – But you know what, I wanted to make sure, before we talked about that, that if you, Rhett, have gone to any other doctor, I just wanted to make absolutely sure — – You’re just checking in? – I did not miss, I’m starting to develop a habit of like hey you know, tell me about your doctor visit. Like I don’t even know if you’ve been to the doctor. I’m just like oh, how was your doctor’s visit today? – It is worth asking, though. Because I went to the doctor today. You hit the bullseye man. – Oh gosh. The whole target is a bullseye. It’s just a cool red thing on the wall, it’s not a dartboard at all. – I went — – It’s a decoration, stop throwing darts at it. – This was a follow-up appointment. I told my whole double ENT visit, you know that was like weeks ago. And then what I didn’t even tell anybody about — – It feels like yesterday. – Well I told you guys about it, but I didn’t tell the Ear Biscuiteers about this. I went to another ENT, that was closer, that wasn’t so far away. – Yeah, because you didn’t like the answer. You wanted something worse, you wanted somebody to tell you something worse. – No. – But that’s not even the doctor that you went to this morning. – Yeah it is. It is, same guy. – Okay. – So by the time you hear this, we will be on our tour, right? When this comes out, when will this come out? – Oh this is 10/2. So we’ll be a couple weeks out from our tour. But at the time, so I went to the other ENT, twice. And he was like, you don’t really have, like, you know he gave me all the prescriptions and stuff. – Yeah I remember that. – I slowly got better, but then I started realizing, I don’t think I’m getting better fast enough to feel confident to go on tour and sing and talk. And I know the songs that we’re gonna sing in the show, and I’m starting to worry about my voice being able to hold up. And when I try to begin to practice then my voice starts not being able to do it. So I was like, I’m gonna go to a guy who’s local, because maybe it’s something else. Maybe it’s allergies, maybe there’s something else going on. I’m gonna get a second opinion from somebody who’s closer. So I went and the guy did the whole thing with the (choking sound) thing in your throat, video. And again, he confirmed, there’s no nodes or anything specifically wrong, it’s just general irritation from something. – Well I’m sorry. – He’s like, it’s either allergies, but it might be acid reflux. And I’m like acid reflux? So he gives me a prescription for basically generic Nexium, whatever. It’s like a what do they call it? Protein pump? I don’t know what it is. It basically makes your stomach make less acid. So I’m like a week into taking that just as a precaution. But then he’s also like, and you should come back for an allergy test. Just to make sure that it’s not allergies. In the meantime — – Basically he sees the writing on the wall, that this tall guy, I can milk him for everything. I can give him this drug, I’m gonna give him this test. Oh man, I got a whole regimen I’m gonna put you through. I’m gonna bill you for it. – I’ve also always wondered, because I’ve got all these skin sensitivities and stuff, and like different food things. – It would just be fun to know that you’re allergic to something. – I wanna know. Like okay, is there anything definitive that you can find? – Was it the type where they put the stuff all over your back? – Yeah, I’ll get to that in one second. In the meantime, I continue to get, just for those of you who, unlike Link, are actually worried about me. Even though he is gonna be singing with me. He’s gonna try to harmonize with me, which is gonna be very difficult if there is no voice. It’s difficult to harmonize with no one. Things get a little bit better every single week. There’s little setbacks, but I get a little bit better. So I’ve lost my overarching fear that something really wrong, I mean there could be something really wrong. But I’ve lost my fear that there’s something really wrong with me. Because it’s not getting worse, it’s getting slowly better. And I think that the timing, even if I continue at this rate, it’s gonna be okay. But I was like, I got this allergy test scheduled, I’m gonna go in for it. That was this morning. So I go in there, and the woman who administers the test, this is what she does. She does it for multiple doctors. – Okay. – And actually I Instagrammed a picture of me, sort of shirtless, you know like a shoulder, I wanted to keep you wanting more, just give you a shoulder. Of me right there next to all the little vials. So basically the way this works is they have concentrates of all these different allergens. And it’s like cockroach, dog, cat, animals. – Yeast. – Yeah, and then molds, multiple molds. Penicillin mold, another kind of mold. And then different weeds. All kinds of plants, animals, environmental things. – And what, they dab it on you? – Two different things. The first test is she has, it almost looks like an ice tray. And all these needles are soaking in this concentrate, but they’re like six together in one. So she was like yes, this used to all be one at a time, but now we just take this thing and press it up against your back, and all six of them prick you at the same time. – Ooh! – And there’s 30 of them. – Ooh! – Maybe 36. – So it’s soaking in dog stuff. – First of all, how do you get dog concentrate? – Dog juice. – That’s the main thing I was thinking the whole time, was how did they concentrate a dog down to that? I mean, did they kill a dog for this? – That’s a big blender. – Or did they just take a piece of the tail? I don’t know how they got it, hopefully it was humane. But I have no way of knowing. Maybe it’s just the hair. Maybe they shave a dog, and then they just put it in a blender and they see what’s left. – They squeegee a dog. – You bathe a dog and you get bathwater? – Squeegee it. – Okay. – But you don’t get one needle, you get six. – All in your back first, it starts in your back. – And how much surface area are all these needles concentrated in? Is it like a thumbnail size, or smaller? No, with each six, do they all come? – That’s six right there. – Oh, like an index card? – Yeah. Little bit smaller than an index card. – And they push an index card size … – It’s got six points on it. And it doesn’t hurt. I mean it’s a little prick but it doesn’t hurt. And she also injects you with a straight histamine. – But you don’t have that much surface area on your back to do six index cards, do you? – Heck yeah I do. – Well you’re a tall guy, I guess. I might only have seven. Or five. – Well seven is more than six, first of all. – That’s true. – Math major. But they’re pretty small. – Well I’m not a math major, just for the record. – Yeah, I was being facetious. – It was just a weird reference to something I never was or wanted to be. Math major. My wife is a math major, that’s why I married her. So I would not know. – She gives you a straight histamine shot, because everyone will react to a histamine injection, unless you’ve taken antihistamines. That’s why you can’t take any antihistamines for a week before the test. – That’s a control group. – That’s the control. And then she does that, and she does the six, and she says wait 15 minutes. And she’s like you’re probably gonna start itching or whatever. And I was like, well I’m itching in one place. And then she comes back and says well, you really only reacted to the histamine. And you’re not even reacting that much to it. Which is weird, because as people pointed out on the Instagram post, you remember what happened to me with maple syrup on the show? – Yeah, it made this red pattern exactly where it was, like raised. – And maple syrup was not one of the things that was put into my body. – Well she missed her chance. – So then she says okay, well now I’ve got to confirm that with the, she called it a subdermal something. But basically then she came over on this arm, and there was four different levels of concentrations of the same thing. And based on the initial test she does a confirmation test on your arm. It took an hour and 15 minutes. And then she goes through and she pricks, like she injects all the stuff into one arm. And you can see the skin bubble up with the concentrate underneath there. And then you wait another 15 minutes to see if you react to that. And then, long story short, I ended up having mild reaction, she said mild to moderate, but I think it was mild reactions to penicillin mold, another kind of mold, dogs. – A mild reaction to dogs? – Yeah. And I’ve got the report in the car. – But isn’t Barbara the type of dog that you wouldn’t be allergic to? – Well no dogs are truly hypoallergenic, but some are less allergenic than others. But she was like, how long have you had the dog? And I was like, two years. And she was like, well that’s about how long it takes for you to develop an allergic reaction to something. But she was also like, but it’s mild, it’s not like you’ve gotta get rid of the dog. These are the things you need to do. You should have a filter in your house. And dust mites too. She was like, how old are your pillows? And I felt guilty because we made a whole frickin’ song about how you’re supposed to replace your pillow every year of two, every year. And I was like more than two years. And she said you should get a new pillow every year. Get new pillows, don’t store stuff under your bed. – Don’t store stuff under your bed? – If you store stuff under your bed it causes people to not clean up under your bed, there’s no vacuuming that happens. Things stay in the same place and dust mites. So anyway, she thinks that it might have something to do with that. But it was one of those things, there’s just no definitive answers. Good news is, there’s not like something, some crazy reaction. The bad news was, if there was at least I’d know what to do. – Well I’m sincerely sorry that you’re okay. (laughing) Just joking man. – But I’m not gonna have to give away Barbara, but I’m gonna have to put her in a bubble. – She’ll like it in there. – Me or her gotta be in the bubble. – Well, it’s a much bigger bubble for you. All right guys, let’s shift gears here a little bit to promote some merch that we want you to have. Here it is. We got some good Mythical Summer stuff that, let’s be honest, we don’t want it anymore, we want you to have it. Because it’s not summer anymore. So we’re gonna give you a huge 35% discount. Because here’s the thing. Summer’s coming again. And when we’re selling this again next summer, it’s gonna be full price, and you’re gonna think back to this moment, when you like, I could’ve got it for 35% off. – And you’re like, I don’t need towels and tanks right now, I don’t need towels and tanks. Exactly. – I always buy shorts now. – Buy shorts now. We don’t sell shorts. – I always buy jackets at the beginning of the summer. Or halfway through spring. – You’re a clearance man. – I’m a clearance man, they call me Clarence. – They call me Clarence Neil. – Clarence Carter, Clarence Carter! That’s what they call me. So here, get this stuff, you’re not gonna regret it. It’s like an investment in your summer. And it’s gonna pay dividends of looking awesome. – Get those arms toned now so you can bust them out in the good Mythical tank top. – With a towel. And you can use a beach towel year round. No one will know. – It’ll dry just as well. – You can dry off with it. That’s a deal, just as a towel, it is a killer deal. – Yeah, it could be a bath towel. Mythical.store, mythical.store. Good to know. – Now on with the biscuit. (electronic music) – My first girlfriend was Leslie. But I did not kiss her. – My first girlfriend was Leslie. – You don’t say? – A little bit later than Nick, in the next year. Seventh grade, and I did not kiss her. Cause you dated her in sixth grade. But hey, neither one of us kissed her. – I got so close, man. – You got close? – Oh yes, I got close. – Like you attempted, you did like a fly-by? – I was at the dance. – In the Buoy’s Creek Elementary School Cafeteria. – That’s where we did the dance. And I was sitting there up against the wall, like there were chairs up against the wall. Sitting next to Leslie. And then right next to me another couple, who was the other couple? Leslie’s best friend. – Amber. – And who was she dating at the time? Dated him for a long time. – Uh, I don’t remember. – Matt McKinney. – Oh wow. Matt McKinney? – (laughing) Yes. – Matt McKinney? – Yeah. They had a good thing going. – You dog, you, Matt McKinney. – But we were sitting there, and I never kissed a girl, I had my arm around her, and then I had my other hand interlocked with her hand. – Not awkward at all. – Just like so into this moment. – So you had her incarcerated, like she couldn’t run away. – But the funny thing is I found out later that — – Your arms are so long and gangly. – She wanted me, and I wish I had known this, she wanted me to kiss her. But I didn’t know, I just didn’t know. And I was so nervous. And I remember, we danced you know. And then I’m in my position, and I’m just sitting there thinking I don’t even know what to do, how do you start? I’ve seen it on television, but I just gotta do it, I just gotta commit. And the next thing I know my dad is there. And he taps me on the head. – On the head? (laughing) Dang. That was your moment, that’s when you should’ve kissed her. – And he’s like, come on boy, time to go home. – And you should’ve gone in for the kiss right then. – No. – I think your dad might’ve been subtly trying to push your head into her face. – It didn’t feel that way. – Yeah, it was more of a, you are subject to me, and we’re outta here. – Yeah. Sport, I know what you’re up to. – I don’t remember getting anywhere near that close to kissing Leslie at any sort of engagement. Because I was so clueless. And still am in a lot of ways. My second girlfriend was Amber. – Oh, she was my second girlfriend as well. – And she was my first kiss. – Oh, she was my first kiss as well. This is all true, by the way. These people think we’re nuts. – So you dated Leslie in sixth grade, I dated Leslie in the beginning of seventh grade. And then I skipped right over, once Leslie dumped me because I was so clueless. Man, was that still seventh grade? Because I dated Amber in seventh grade. And then you dated Amber in eighth grade. – I was in six and eight and you doubled up in seventh grade. – Yeah, big year for me. – I bookended you with Amber and Leslie, and then you had the Amber and Leslie year of seventh grade. – Well I think we should bookend this conversation with each of our first kiss stories (laughing) with the same girl. Amber. – And see who did a better job? – Um, yeah. We can make it a competition. I’m sure we already did, so we could talk about that. Before we do, I do wanna read some Mythical Beast accounts of first kisses. Because we did ask you guys to tell us about your first kiss stories. – Thank you for all who did that. – We asked for some honest yet funny ones. Kimberly said, I was 16 at the time, we were watching Bulletproof Monk. Have you seen that movie? – No. Doesn’t sound like a kissing flick. – No, it doesn’t sound like a makeout movie. And my boyfriend of six months decided that this was the best time to try. So yeah, she admits that he’s kind of boneheaded. He missed twice. (laughing) Once because my head was in the wrong direction. I was watching the movie. So he like, tried to give her a kiss but ended up pecking the side of her head or something? – Yeah, right, it happens. – And the second because our glasses smashed into each other. Yeah, that’s an added source of anxiety. I mean, first kiss, you’re concerned about what’s gonna happen. There’s so many logistics. I mean the first time I tried to water ski, it was not pretty. – What? – What do you mean, what? Water skiing and kissing are very similar. – Explain please. – There’s a lot of forces involved, and you’re bound to get wet. (laughing) It seems like something I made up, but I didn’t. Water skiing, I hadn’t thought of this ahead of time. – Really? – Shut up, that was funny man. It sounded like a setup and a punchline. – It was funny. I actually laughed. Yeah, I did laugh. – I made up a joke on the spot. But I legitimately was thinking about all the technical things that have to come together at once in order to get up on your skis while being pulled behind a boat on a body of water, and then maintaining some sort of equilibrium so that you can have fun. Yay! It’s just like first kiss. – Well I can say, I am a person who has both water skied and kissed, and I can say kissing is a lot easier than water skiing. It comes a whole lot more naturally. – Well speak for yourself. Kimberly says, he did finally get there, and it was pretty good. And I think she means a third attempt in that same Bulletproof Monk viewing session. – You gotta make, this is when echolocation comes into play. You gotta make some kind of visual, you have to have some sort of audio cue that you’re coming in. (clicking his tongue) I don’t know, everybody has a different sound. – So you’re like sonaring it. Boo, boo. – There’s gotta be an indication. It could be something more subtle, like just a slight rustle of the clothing, or something like that. Just to let them, you gotta get the person’s head turned your way, because that’s also how you find out if they’re into it, right? You can’t just see somebody watching a movie and just pounce on them like that. – No. There needs to be informed consent. – Exactly, and that is at least the person’s head is turned towards you. So they have the ability to accept or reject as you move closer. – This ended well, we married a few moments later. No, a few years after high school and will be celebrating six years this November. Congratulations, Kimberly. PS, we still watch Bulletproof Monk together. Well nothing gets me going like that Bulletproof Monk, baby. – I don’t even have any idea what that is. – Put on the Bulletproof Monk. I think it’s an action flick that has kung fu overtones. – Okay. – Let me read a few more, just to totally wet our palates. – To wet the skis, so to speak. – To lick the lips, I’m going in for another one. – Okay. – Boo, boo. – Hold on to your ropes. – I could tell by the way that that sound bounced back into my ears, it was bouncing off of fleshy lips. Or an open mouth. That one didn’t bounce back. – I’m just making sure I’m carrying this skiing analogy further. Make sure you got your gas in your tank. I don’t know, I’m just trying to help you out. – You can rip your arm off your body, if the person driving the boat. I mean it involves two people too. See it’s not just you, it’s a dance with the person driving the boat, you see? – And sometimes there’s somebody else in the boat too. (laughing) Like another person who’s with a friend. – This analogy is unsinkable. Chloe said, my first kiss was at the park and my hair flew in my face. And then an elderly woman clapped. (laughing) And I tripped on my shoelace right after. It just goes to show you that. – Somebody clapped? – Yeah, an elderly woman clapped. You know you got it going on when … And I don’t know if she clapped like applause, or if it was like she was distracted by an elderly woman just happening to slap her hands together. – It sounds like applause, in the context. – Well that’s a good sign. If elderly people are clapping, that’s a good first kiss. – And elderly people love to clap for skiers. That’s one thing I’ve noticed, every time I’ve gotten it up. I mean gotten the skis, stood up while skiing. – Unsinkable. But you know, you’re a bundle of nerves, because there’s so many things that can go wrong. I’ve only read two of these, and there’s been seven things that have gone wrong. Just in the two stories. Danny90 said, he and I were in the middle of our first proper kiss and a bird pooped on his head slash face. And some of the poop got into my mouth. – Okay. – You don’t believe that. – I have a tough time believing this one. Now it can happen. – Somewhere on earth a bird is pooping over people having a first kiss. – But what are the chances that we asked that question and one of the Mythical Beasts actually had it happen to them. – Danny90, Rhett is calling you a liar. – I mean, I don’t know, it could’ve happened, and we can talk about it like it did happen. – An embellisher. – Whoa, that’s crazy, I can’t believe that happened, so gross. But I also have trouble believing it. I could be wrong, I wasn’t there, I’m not a bird. – Right. Stranger things have happened. On skis. – Yeah. I’m sure someone has been crapped on while skiing. And it probably was no big deal, because you just fall in the water. – No, because your mouth’s open a little. And it gets in there. – I’ve never kept my mouth open while skiing. – Well you don’t ski a lot. Sometimes your mouth gapes open when you’re skiing. – Well, when you give a signal to the boat, maybe. Do you know boat signals? – I will bet that birds have pooped, multiple birds have pooped into multiple, into the same mouth, while skiing. And so I believe that Danny90 is telling the truth. Why would she lie? – It wasn’t skiing. – What? – He wasn’t skiing? – Who wasn’t? – She wasN’T skiing. – No, it was a first kiss. – If she was skiing I’d believe it. – You lost me. Mandy was 16. After the date, I told my mom that I thought I got a kiss, but I wasn’t sure. The actions were there, but I wasn’t sure if we’d made contact or not. – Really? Wow. – You don’t believe her either? – That level of uncertainty. – We can keep asking for Mythical Beast contributions if you’re gonna call goal on everybody’s — – Well I don’t know if it’s just the stories that you’re choosing, but I’m also a little bit surprised at the ages. That’s two 16-year-olds in a row. Like in my book, that seems late. I’m not judging anybody, I’m just saying, if anything my first kiss was in the early 90s, and I was 14 at the time, and I felt late amongst my friends. – Well I beat you to it, that’s certain. – Have people, things are slowing down? We got something to be hopeful about? – I hope so. – They’re slowing down, they’re starting at 16 these days. – So she got a ghost kiss. Again, it’s like who knew you could fear that? Now there’s another thing to fear. – The phantom kiss. – Phantom ghost kiss. All right. And then this one. Marissa Stall. It was winter and we were sitting on my front steps, there wasn’t any snow, but it was frosty. – That sounds fishy already. (laughing) Any time you give extra weather details, you’re setting up a lie. No, I believe you guys, I do, I believe you. – No, but it was frosty. You’re right, that is fishy. – And how do you ski during that, that’s the question. – We had talked about it beforehand, because he had to talk himself up to it. And apparently talk her up to it as well. It was cold enough that, oh gosh, his nose was doing that thing with the clear liquid that’s kind of snot but more watery. – Oh gosh, that’s the worst. – Why am I reading this one. When he kissed me, his first kiss ever, his nose drip fell straight onto my lips. And I couldn’t brush it away until he left to walk home. – And then I threw up in my mouth. (laughing) – Oh gosh. I just told him this after three years of being together, and he’s mortified. Like he didn’t know for three years. – Does it say how old they were? – No, she didn’t say. But not only does he now know, but now we all know, Marissa. – Yeah, Marissa told everybody. – I almost said her last name, but I’m not gonna do that. So okay, we’ve primed the pump. – I believe that one now. – You believe that last one? – Yeah. – Yeah, it had a ring of truthfulness. The most false part was the frosty part. – Frosty but not snowing. – You get that nose drip, you don’t know it. It’s so cold outside, you don’t know that it’s there. You’re going in for the kiss. I’m glad that I’m over that hump. Way over it, let me tell you brother. Lots of kissing, with my wife. – Oh gosh. Okay. You don’t have to reassure us. It’s like big boy wants to tell you, he’s been kissing his wife. (laughing) – You called me big boy? – Yes. Big boy’s been married for 17 years. – Big boy wants you to know he’s kissing his wife. – Wow. – It’s so silly man. Okay. – But what about your first, man. Because you need to talk about Amber, and then I’ll talk about her at the end. – It was somebody’s birthday party. And they were, it wasn’t Amber’s, but it was in Lillington. I don’t know who. – It was at that place that– – Yeah, it was at the Lillington — – Puritan? Not ruritan. – Puritan, like a ruritan building. – The puritan building, like you defiled the puritan building. – One of those chamber of commercey, slash — – It’s where your grandmother– – It wasn’t ruritan, but it was like a Rotary Club. – Your grandmother invited us back to perform songs for her group. – Senior Citizens Club. – Senior Citizens Club at that place. This is like five years ago. It was right before we left to come to California, so it was probably like six or seven years ago. But we showed up and sang a bunch of songs for old folks. – For all of her retired old folk friends. And our opener was, hey my first kiss was here. Allow me to demonstrate, any volunteers? You gotta jump at any chance to make out with an elderly woman. – Yeah, that lady. – They got a lot of pent-up hmmm. (laughing) Just like ferocious. – Oh gosh. – I only kiss my wife. – Except that lady at that demonstration that one time. – We were frenching it. – It was theatrical. It’s like the actors. The actors are kissing all the time and it doesn’t count. That’s what it was when you kissed that old lady at the ruritan club. – I’m doing this as an actor, to prove a point. There was, proudly on display just to the left of this place was a caboose. Now it would’ve been an epic makeout story if we had kissed in the caboose. But no, we were in, like you walk in the front door and it’s a big rectangular room with nothing but metal folding chairs that wrestlers use to beat each other with. – Without the wrestlers. – And elderly people sit on for group meetings. But for some reason it was this middle school birthday party there. I think it was like Betsy’s party. Cause she was from Lillington. Don’t remember, but I was going with Amber for a while. I’d even successfully talked to her on the phone a while. So I was like really on a roll. – And that’s what we called it at the time, was going with. – And nobody’s dancing, nobody dances at this thing. And the lights are up, and there are adults there. – Too bright. – And I’m like, there are adults here, there ain’t no way I’m gonna kiss my girlfriend. There is no way, I am way too timid for that. – Tough to get up on your skis when there’s that much light and those many people around. – Right. So I’m sitting next to her. I don’t have my arm around her, much less my other hand intermingled with her fingers. – Oh, you should’ve talked to me. – I didn’t have her locked down. – A whole year earlier I was doing that. – So it was me, then Amber, then Anna. – Anna? – And then Michael. – Oh, Michael and Anna did it for a while. And then you started dating Anna. – Yup. – People don’t realize, it was such a small town, there was like 20 people in our class, so everybody dated everybody. And you ended up dating the same girls in the same order. – It was like musical chairs. You know, everybody politely waited their turn. And then someone was awkwardly standing there alone. Until the music played again. Because no one got eliminated. – Right, we didn’t do that. – And then, I just. I’m trying to remember the details, dangit. But Amber, she had ideas. She was a girl with ideas. – She had an older sister. – Okay. – She had an older sister who had advised her a little bit. So she knew about kissing. – The only reason I dated her was because she basically said, will you go with me? But in this instance I think she told, and I really wanted to, but I was too timid to ask her. And she didn’t go in for the kiss, it wasn’t that simple. What happened was, she was murmuring with Anna. And then all of a sudden, I think Michael got in on the conversation, and they were murmuring and leaning forward. And then Michael leans back behind Anna and Amber and motions me. And so then I’m leaning over, and he’s like, kiss her man. So it’s like Amber told Anna, told Michael, told me. – Yeah, it came all the way around the horn. – Kiss her man. And then there was an implication, I don’t think he said it out loud, but it was an implication, and I’ll time it. – Oh. Michael was a timer. I’ll talk about Michael in a little bit, when I get to my story. Michael, he was a sage. – And then Amber and Anna stopped talking. And Michael and Anna started making out. – And that’s all you need. See if Matt and Amber had done that for me and Leslie, I wouldn’t be here today. (laughing) – Where would you be? – Because you know, you make certain decisions, and then everything goes, I mean that’s what happens, that’s how the universe works, man. I’m glad I didn’t do that, I’m glad I’m here. – I had to. I looked across the ruritan building, and like everybody was watching and waiting. And you know me, at a certain point, I’m a performer man. It comes out, like I got that dream. Get up on the skis. – Yup, one chance. Don’t let me down. – And she was on my right, so I had to lean over and go across, leaning left. Which I would later learn is not my best side. Like once I started figuring this out, I would always be on the right side of my girlfriend. So I could go over and lean to the right. It’s always much better to the right. – It’s all about the way your hair parts. – Yeah, exactly, that’s how you know. – It’s like a sail. – Look at the crown of your head. – You got a rudder and a sail. You get into a sailboat, I mean we’re still on the water. You get on the sailboat, and you’ve got the sail going the wrong way, starboard, whatever side that is, and you wanna go the other way, whatever that’s called. You know what I’m saying. – But you’re still skiing behind it, which I’m sure is possible. – Oh, with one of those– – Like a clipper? – One of those that goes really fast, what are they called? The Americas Cup. You can ski behind one of those. – Yeah, rip your arm right off your body. I leaned in to the left– – Starboard. – And I’m certain I was not her first kiss. – Is that the front or the back of the boat? What is left? Port? Aft? – I don’t know. Can I tell my story? – Just wanna get that word. – I had a good ski analogy, now you’re all excited because it’s sailing. Like you’re legitimately wanting to make this about sailing. I’m in the middle of my story. – I’m sorry, I’ll learn the terms for next time. – I’m leaning to the left, and I’m certain this was not Amber’s first kiss, because she took charge. And I’m grateful for it. She wasn’t bad at all. I actually felt like I was doing okay. – And how long? – I seem, well, Michael reported to me later that it was, do you remember the number? Because I think it’s either 12 or 14 seconds. – I don’t remember your number, I know my number. Shorter than that, wow. 12 or 14? – I believe so. – You’re so bad with math, though. – Well you don’t have to add anything. – It could’ve been 1.2 or 1.4 seconds, too. You misplaced the decimal. – Once I initiated, she took over, and I was just along for the ride. I just held onto the rope, baby. You hold on, and keep your skis pointing the right direction. – Yeah, Amber’s the captain now. – And you’re gonna get somewhere. – 12 to 14, that seems about right. – And when we parted ways. – One second for every year of age. – Everybody was looking. There was not applause, which made it awkward. – What about the chaperones? – I didn’t wanna look. I did not look for chaperones to make eye contact, because that was like the last thing I wanted. And I broke the seal. And I was never the same. – You didn’t kiss her again, though, did you? You didn’t date her for very long. I don’t remember why you guys broke up. – You know what, I don’t know. I really don’t know. I had a second go at it. – I think that was it, from what I remember. – I think that could’ve been it. – Because even though we were five miles, maybe three miles apart, Bruce Creek and Lillington, for some reason when summer came it was like, well I’ll never see you again. It’s like I go to a different pool. But I think you guys broke up, you hit the summer wall. And you didn’t reestablish it in the next year. Because I did. – Right. But I was dating Anna at the time, and I kissed her a lot. – A lot, I remember that. – At the parties that were arranged for that type of thing to happen. Makeout parties. – Okay, but you know what, not only do you Mythical Beasts have stories about first kisses, not only do the two of us have stories about first kisses, but some of our Mythical Entertainment employees also have some very interesting stories. Including Ellie. Welcome Ellie to the show. – Hello. Hello. – I’m graciously giving you my spot. – Thank you. – You wanna talk into a microphone. – Hello, check check. – Don’t smell it, just talk into it. – I had to. – Don’t breathe in, breathe out. – Okay. – When we did our Six Flags outing, we were in different groups of people, and we happened to be in the same group, and we were, there was a group of us in line, and somehow we were talking about, we started talking about first kiss stories, so I heard a little of this. But I think that’s part of what gave me the idea for us to talk about this on an Ear Biscuit. – Oh. – Cause I enjoyed your insights. – Producing in my time off. I love it. – No, you were on the clock. It was a teambuilding exercise, you were not on vacation, it just felt like it. That’s how fun it is to be on the Mythical crew. – You got paid to ride rollercoasters. – That’s true. – You thought you were on vacation. Mission accomplished. We’re actually gonna take a vacation day, from you. Now that you said that. – Great, I won’t visit my elderly grandparents. – Okay, so what’s your story? – Okay, well it’s funny because it has, there’s some interesting parallels. But my first kiss was in middle school, seventh grade to be exact, and I was dating this guy named Steve. – Oh Steve. – And my best friend was also dating a guy named Steve. – Ah, the Steves. – So we’ll call them Steve One and Steve Two. And the way that things worked at my middle school, was like you’re talking about how everyone in the retirement home was watching you kiss. We would go, we would be like walking home from school, and whoever you’ve been paired up with, whoever you’ve coupled up with, which looking back on it seemed arbitrary. It just seemed like someone was like, I like you, and your friend would be like, yeah you should like him back. And I’d be like, okay. – Your friend told you to like him back. – Yeah, it’s like very democratic. Is that good? – So you didn’t wanna be with Steve. – No no, I did. It’s like I developed a crush retroactively. But when you start dating them, it’s not like you’re dating because you have this instant spark, because you don’t even know what a spark is. At least that was my experience of it. And you would walk home from school, and the groups of kids would circle around who was coupled up. And basically, encourage us to make steps along the dating process. So Steve and I hadn’t even held hands when we first started dating. We like barely looked at each other in the eye. So we would walk home, and the first step was they would all circle around us, and they were like, you guys should hug. – Ooh, really. – Not hold hands? I thought you were gonna say hold hands. – No. – Circled you? – It’s like a tribal initiation or something. – Everyone would watch, and then we would be like, oh okay. And then we’d step forward, and then pause, and then hug. (laughing) And nothing has been more romantic. – There you go, good job. – All downhill from there? – Yeah, well it was like– – Was the hug electric? – Yeah. No I remember being like, oh my god, this is happening. So that’s how my first boyfriend hug happened. – The old boyfriend hug comes first. – Yeah, the boyfriend hug comes first. – I’ve never had one of those. – So my friend Carmie, who’s dating Steve Two, they would circle around the both of us, and they’d be like, you do it and you do it. So I hugged Steve One, and then she hugged Steve Two. – The Steves really, it worked out well for them. – Yeah, I don’t even know if they were friends before this. – The kissing Steves. – Now I’ve seen, and I believe I’ve also done it, I’ve seen two people skiing behind one boat at once. So again, my analogy still holds. – I’ve seen a whole pyramid. Back in the 50s? – I love the water ski analogy. You were throwing shade at it. But the overwhelming power of being pulled up out of the water, that’s the passion. – But what’s the power of the engine, it’s your own hormones. – Oh yeah. Raw, unfiltered hormones. Okay, so we did the hug in a circle on the walk home. But like kissing, that’s crazy. That’s a whole nother step. That’s just intense. – That’s your language hole. – Yeah, we would have these like hangouts. All right. – Yeah, that’s one way they say it. – Yeah, your language hole is the most important hole, and everyone knows that. – Right, exactly. – Well so, the cool girls in middle school, who had the nice houses with the fancy basements, would organize hangouts and parties where the whole goal was to kiss on the mouth. – Basements are trouble in middle school. – Huge trouble. But then in retrospect it’s not trouble because the parents know what’s happening, and they’re like as long as you’re in the house I know what you’re up to. – Josh and Joey, the twins, had a basement. – Oh they had a basement. – They had a basement. – Lots of trouble in that basement. – They were twins? – All of our basement buddies happened in twins basement. Lia and Lisa, Tori and Dani. – Because when you have twins you’re like, we have got to sequester this double trouble somewhere. Underground. – Yeah. A lot of times they keep one of the twins in the basement. – They were actually all triplets, right. – When you wanna deal with one at a time, that’s what the basement is for, quarantine. – So you knew Steve was going down to the basement. – No, like a group of six couples, so six couples, 12 children, got invited to the, I guess I shouldn’t say their last name, but to one of the twin’s basements. And there were chips, there was music playing, it seemed like a party. But all anybody wanted to do was kiss. And I was so nervous. Because I didn’t have an older sister, like Amber. I had an older brother, and he would just be like, don’t talk to me. – Period, not about anything. – He’s like, I’d rather not. We’re close now, but when you’re growing up, not the same. And so I would just read Cosmo or 17, and they go way beyond what you’re ready for. Like I had just hugged in a circle, and they’re talking about 69 ways to blow his mind. So I was just like, I don’t know what to expect, I’m super stressed out. So we made a game, it was basically like seven minutes in heaven, or spin the bottle, but they spun it, it was so arbitrary, because they were just spinning it so that people landed on their respective boyfriend or girlfriend, obviously. – So it was like point the bottle. Was it a bottle? – It was a bottle, it was a Sprite bottle. I remember vividly. – Sprite. – Hmm, not a sponsor. – Sprite, they do you right, all night. – Okay, all right. We just lost another potential sponsor. – Well, our language holes will drink Sprite. – Great for your language hole. (laughing) – I’m sorry. – Yeah, you should apologize. – Well so I was super worried. They kept on landing on other couples, and they would go into different corners of the basement to kiss, and everyone would turn. We were promising that we wouldn’t look, but we would all watch. And you would just hear slurping sounds, you know like mouth sounds? I know, the worst. And it finally got down to me and Carmie and our Steves. And they were just like, we were all gonna go to a movie or something, I think like Shark Tail 3D or something stupid like that. – Hey, uh uh, don’t bring Shark Tail 3D into this. – Sorry, that’s a potential sponsor. And they were like, you guys should go at the same time. – Yeah, you’re both Steves. – Yeah, I mean obviously. And so they were like, you guys go. And we both went into different, I was like underneath the stairwell, and she was by this bookcase. And I see Carmie start to kiss her Steve, and me and my Steve are just like, uh. Like panicking, totally ruining the moment. So we were just supposed to get into it, and we didn’t do it. That was like the whole point of the whole party and everything we’ve done. – Once you miss that initial little window. – The boat’s gotta circle around, and you’re bobbing in the water, like oh I hope another boat doesn’t clip me. – Right exactly. – Yeah. Well so, the boats a-bobbing. – You gotta hold your ski up, by the way. So that other boats don’t come through and hit you. – Yeah true. – While your boat is circling around to give you your rope again. – In this metaphor, my skis had blown all the way over to the other side of the lake. I was floating alone, I was stressed. And so I just remembered, from magazines like Cosmo and 17, they were like, be confident. Like get in there. So I grabbed his face, and I just brought it to my face. And then we were just face to face, and then I just wen ma-ma-ma, and I just started kissing. – Did you say ma-ma-ma? – No. No I just was trying to avoid making actual stupid kissing noises. – And how did Steve respond? – Well I didn’t know that there was a tongue element. – Yeah, they don’t talk about that. – They don’t talk about that. I’m sure they do, but I didn’t realize, I guess. I was a child. And so I just thought it was this. – That’s like a catfish in our skiing analogy. Like an unexpected catfish. Didn’t know that was gonna be down there. – But like a fish though, I just thought kissing was this. – It’s more like a duck. – Yeah, like a duck or a fish, I just thought it was like ba-ba-ba. And there’s a whole other part, and there’s a whole other part I didn’t know about. – Steve knew about that. – Steve knew about it. – He thought you were ready. You were the one face-grabbing. – I know, I grabbed his face, I should’ve been ready. And all I knew was like this foreign object was in my mouth, and I though it was a giant wad of gum. (laughing) Honestly, I thought it was a giant wad of sour gum. – Oh it was sour? – He probably had eaten sour gum earlier. We were children, we were having candy all the time. – Steve wasn’t ready. – And it was like — – Your whole mouth puckered? – Yeah. No but I was like what is that? I didn’t know what it was, it tasted sour. It just seemed like a wad of gum, I couldn’t even figure it out. And I had no mental capacity to use my tongue to figure it out, I was just frozen. I’m sure it was just like a dead slug in his mouth. – I guess eventually it’ll just make its way completely into my mouth, and I’ll start chewing. – Yeah, did you chew on it? – I was genuinely confused and I never really got an answer. But apparently we made out longer than everyone else, probably because I was spending the whole time trying to figure out what was happening. And everyone applauded for us. – Oh you got actual applause. – I got applause. For both of the Steves. – Did an elderly woman clap? Like all of a sudden, why’s that elderly woman here? – Yeah, the twins’ mom came down and was like, nice. No. – Sour. – No but that was my first kiss with that Steve. And he broke up with me on a walk home, later. – That night? – No, it was like a couple weeks later. We went on to kiss maybe one more time. We saw a different movie in a theater, and I got another unexpected tongue. And I wasn’t ready. – Still wasn’t ready. – Unexpected tongue. – I dunno. It’s so weird. – Was there a debrief involved after the first one? Like I never talked to Amber about, how was that? Because I could use some pointers. That would’ve been nice, in retrospect. – I wish. Like communication is everything, and I think it’s so funny to think back on it, because in seventh grade, of course no one knows what they doing. But in seventh grade, we were still trying to pretend like yeah, I’ve done this before. You know, as I flip my sweater thing back like hair. – Right, so there was no debrief. – There was no debrief. I think I wanted him to think that I knew what I was doing. I didn’t ask him if he had gum in his mouth. I still wonder about that. Because I remember the texture, and it is haunting. – Maybe he has a gum tongue. – Maybe he has a gum tongue. – Some people have it. – Well he broke up with me unceremoniously, there were all these rumors that he went to Kay Jewelers with his mom to get me a present for Christmas. I don’t even know how the rumors starting, but instead he broke up with me on the walk home. And it was frosty, and the tears froze on my face. And I remember just yelling, why why why? And I had a gaggle of girls around me comforting me and he was walking 20 feet behind me. – Oh wow. – It was awful. But I was redeemed, because in eighth grade, he made out with my friend Molly. Because I totally get the mixing and matching, because there’s not that many people, you just have to do your thing. – Who knows what’s gonna take? – So my friend Molly made out with him in the exercise room of the other twins basement in eighth grade, and he was so aggressive with his tongue, she nicknamed him Tonguepuncher, and the nickname Tonguepuncher spread throughout the entire school and into high school. And I’ve never been more vindicated. – Oh my goodness. You dodged a bullet, you dodged a tongue. – The other Steve ended up stealing a car and going to jail. But Tonguepuncher is fine. – Steve’s tend to be easily corrupted. – Wonder if the nickname followed him to jail. – No no, that’s the other Steve, Steve Two. Steve One, Tonguepuncher, I don’t know, he’s in the Midwest somewhere. – Wow. Well you know what, how has it impacted you? For the rest of your life, are you all right now? – Yeah, I’m fine. – Cause you were like, why? – Well, I think when you get broken up with for the first time, I don’t think you feel emotions as strongly as you do when you feel them the first time. So I think I’ve always been very confident, so it was my first experience of someone being like no. And that’s why I was like, why? – Right. – So it definitely affected me, but I mean, I’ve had so many boyfriends. – You’ve recovered well. – Yeah, I’m thriving. – Ellie, thank you for sharing your story. – Thank you so much. – Yeah, that was great. I’ll remember that one better than I’ll remember my own story. – Okay, we’ve got more stories, we’ve got more Mythical stories. Let’s bring in Becca. Becca welcome. – Becca you’ve been waiting in the wings. Is it better to wait in the wings? Cause Rhett was like, I don’t know if the want to wait outside. It’s better to sit here and be a part of this thing? – It was really nice to be a part of this whole experience with everybody, just to hear your story. And your head-pat there, of your dad. – You’re gonna hear a doozy if you stick around. And of course hearing Ellie’s story. I think it’s always fun to hear other girls’ first kiss stories of what their experiences were at this deeply tumultuous, absolutely terrible period of life called being a teen girl. – It can be terrible. – Oh wow, yeah it can. – And it’s so perfectly awkward. – It’s so perfectly terrible in every way. – And there’s so many variables. You know it’s kind of like skiing. – The more you think about it. – I’ve heard it’s a bit like skiing. – Tell us your story. – Wow. I have two, this is gonna be a two-for-one special here guys. For those of you watching who are not aware of this, I am a lesbian, that is a thing. – That is a thing. – I dunno, that’s a thing. – Whoa whoa, what? – Time out. Huddle up guys. – So what grade are we going back to first? – We’re going back to my first kiss ever. This is ninth grade, I’m gonna set the scene for you. It’s ninth grade, this is the fall, early winter of 2003, I would think, I’m like 13. 13 almost 14. I’ve just come off of a really riveting summer wherein I played at least eight to ten hours a day of Final Fantasy 11, MMO RPG. – Is there much making out in that? – There is absolutely no making out in that. No, I played as a cat girl, I was red mage. I did a lot of magic. – It doesn’t prepare you well for making out, actually. – It prepares you not at all for making out. – So how is there any fantasy, much less a final one? – Yeah, and that was 11, they’re on to like 15 now. It’s never final. Lots and lots of that, alone in my room, with my guildmates, who ranged from friends of mine who I knew in real life, IRL, as you would. And a bunch of guys in the military who had nothing to do. This may have been the height of — – A bunch of Steves. – A whole bunch of Steves. – Interesting overlaps. Both groups can teach the other groups lots of stuff. – Lot of Steves, yeah, whole bunch of Steves. – Are you about to tell us that the first kiss you ever had was digital? – No, this is setting a stage for who Becca was when she had her first kiss. – I understand. – I watched a lot of anime that summer and I died my hair jet jet black, to cosplay as an anime character to an anime convention that summer. So the stage has been set as to what kind of kid Becca was going into ninth grade. And early in ninth grade, I was in the band, I played flute. And this boy, named Andy, who played trumpet– – Oh, trumpet now. Only three valves on a trumpet. – Only three valves on a trumpet, whole lot of buttons on a flute. – Oh yeah. – Trumpet players tend to be– – They’re saucy. – Yeah, they like to draw attention to themselves. – They’re roguish, debonair. – They get bored with only three valves, you gotta find other things to do. – All three of us have hair that I would assume any ninth grade trumpet player would have. Or try to have, but they’re in ninth grade, they don’t know how to take care of themselves yet, so it’s just real bad. – He took a shine to me, I took a shine to him. And it just sort of became this place where we had this fun banter, we were in band. We also had home room together. – The flute trumpet combo, I can see it from a mile away. – Oh yeah, it’s a classic. – I’d buy that on a mix tape. – It’s like tow boats on each side of the lake just heading straight for a collision. – Yeah, this is one of the real tricksy, fancy moves in water skiing, the two boats are traded off, that’s how flutes and trumpets do. But, eventually at some point he asked me out. And asking me out was, we had a lunch date together at school. – Oh, now that’s bold. That’s bold, because everybody is watching. And only a trumpet player would do that. I mean a saxophone player definitely. – He had an older brother, he was getting advice from an older brother. He knew what he was doing, he was trying to be real suave. – A trombonist would never do this. – No, no. The one kid who played bassoon in our band had no chance at all. – So you’re like eating square pizza? – Yeah, something like that. – And then what. – Oh this wasn’t when the kiss was, but we started dating. So I had myself my first little boyfriend. His name was Andy, Andy and Becca, AB. It worked out, trumpets, flutes, all that stuff. Come the winter formal, this is the first kiss. We’re at the winter formal together, it’s a dance. There’s punch, there’s dresses, there’s a lot of those fake snowflakes that you buy everywhere. Whole lot of those flocking, the flocked trees. The white, yeah, those ones. Lot of those. The dance ends, it’s an uneventful dance. I remember very little of it. He takes me home, like a proper gentleman, to make my nonexistent curfew, because my parents really didn’t care what I did. Because I was such a big freaking nerd that they knew I wasn’t gonna try anything. – He drove his own car? – No, he did not. His mom picked us up and dropped us off. But she was like a cool mom, so it was okay. And it was an SUV too, so we could sit in the way way back and feel like we were getting chauffeured. – Oh yeah. – Is that where it happened? – No. At my front door. Like every teen girl, like a freakin’ movie. This was an episode of Dawson’s Creek, the tail end of whatever you thought was actually gonna happen on Clarissa Explains It All and it never did. You know, this was just a teen girl fantasy. – I’m right there with you. – And his parents were in the car? – His mom was in the car. – His mom was in the car and he walks you to your door. – He walked me to my front door, I unlocked the door. – Wow, I didn’t think this ever actually happened. – Were the headlights like blazing? – No, you couldn’t see my front door from my driveway, so we had a little bit of privacy, it was kind of a nice moment. Oh such a nice moment. I was wearing a red dress, and I only remember that because I spent most of this time prior to the kiss looking at my feet, because I had no idea what was going on. I’m the oldest child of my family. I have some older cousins. Like I said, lots of anime, lot of online video games. Nobody was preparing 13-year-old Becca for a first kiss. My mom had already pretty much given up at that point. – You weren’t thinking that it was about to happen? – I was, because everybody was expecting that, because we were dating. He was ostensibly my boyfriend. I wore his big weird army jacket all the time at school, that smelled awful. But that was the sign we were going steady. And we just kinda stood there, I’d unlocked my door and turned around. And I was looking at my feet a lot. And I was like, that was kind of a nice dance. And we weren’t really saying anything. And I wasn’t trying to leave, and he wasn’t trying to leave, and neither of us were trying to leave, but also not trying to initiate anything. And then finally he took my hand that had the corsage on it. Because he had gotten me a corsage, classy young man. And I kinda looked at him, and he looked at me, and it just sort of was like, I guess we’re gonna kiss now. And our faces sort of came together and just touched. And I didn’t wear glasses then, I had contacts. So we just kinda like. – Smashed. – Just kinda put our faces on each other’s faces. And then sort of just kind of (groans). There was just like weird mouth grumblings against one another. He smelled exactly like a dry erase board eraser. (laughing) – Oh gosh, what did he get into? – A vivid scent memory of that, of know it smelled like erasers, knowing I had no idea what I was doing. – Do you know why? Cause I do. Homeboy was practicing on the eraser. – I mean there was no ink on his face, he had done a good job cleaning it off. But he smelled just like that. – It’s soft, it’s soft like lips. – Oh man, you got so many other options. Pillows, stuffed animals. – Oh gosh, my teddy bear got it. – Your dog’s tummy. I don’t know I can practice on anything. I just watched a lot of Naruto. – So what happened after this. We just smooshed faces, there was no tongue. I also was not aware of the fact that tongue was something you could use. He was not either, his older brother had not gotten that far in prepping him. – Nobody wants to lick a dry erase marker. – We separated, and it was kind of like okay bye, and I immediately went in my house and closed the door and went upstairs, and got on Final Fantasy 11, where my friends who had also been at the dance were already on, and in our guild chat we were all like, furious typing. Furious typing. – Bragging? – No, I was like, ah I kissed Andy, it was weird, oh my god. And they were like … – So at that moment, you’re smooshing face, and you’re smelling dry erase board eraser. And you’re like, I like girls. – That was shortly after, I’m not gonna lie. – That was a pivotal moment? – It was a pivotal moment in that I did not get, I did not get what kissing, I did not get the hype behind kissing, following that kiss. I kissed this guy, I went upstairs, I played Final Fantasy 11 for the rest of the night with my guild mates. And I had never given it a second thought. Andy and I unceremoniously broke up a month later. – Right. No more kissing. – No more kissing. We never kissed again. I never felt the need or want to ever kiss him again. I did not understand what kissing was all cracked up to be. High school went on, there were some other kisses, they were unceremonious. During this period of time, I was like, oh no, I’m very gay. (laughing) – Oh no. – That might explain a few things about why I don’t get the kissing. Wrong people. College comes, I’m an absolute closet basketcase through college. There was absolutely very little kissing happening at college. I was just like, oh no, nobody can know. No kissing. But then I’d go to coop parties, and I’d do the college kid thing, where I would consume a lot of alcoholic beverages, and then I would be like woo, I don’t care, I’m gonna kiss everybody. And then I would just kiss a lot of people. It didn’t matter then, because I could then hide my own shame in my being gay under the fact that everybody was drunk and kissing each other. Because, you know, that’s how it does. And then my senior year of college was my first real certifiable, stamp it on the paper get it notarized kiss with a lady that I can recall that was not just because I was very drunk and everybody was doing it. – First meaningful. – First meaningful kiss, yeah. It was also at a party. So I know the setup is not good. The setup is not great, but it was the last party of the year for a student group I was involved in in college called the University of California Rally Committee. I was graduated, I’d been in the group four years. – Did you race cars? – No, we were like the spirit organization on campus. – Okay, that’s valid. – We waved big old flags at the football games. – Any water skiing? – There was no water skiing involved. I did windsurf in high school. I learned how to windsurf. – Nothing like kissing. – Not at all like kissing, not at all. – Then what happened? Okay so it was the last– – The last party, their big blowout party at the end of the year. I’m a graduating senior, everything’s all good, I’m like yeah, I’m at this party, I’m graduating from college, I have no idea what I wanna do with my life, but I’m graduating from college, yeah this is great. And I am approached in the kitchen by another member of this group. – Were you out at this time? – I was, yeah. I came out in college, and I was still in my head a complete closet case and not actually pursuing that, but I was definitely very out. And very like, hey guys, look at me with my bad Zooey Deschanel style blunt bang haircut. Y’all knew me when I had that one, it wasn’t good. I might look like a member of the cast in the New Girl, however I am very gay. Please tell everybody I am desperate. I would like to kiss anyone at this point, and it was just not happening. Because once it ever came to like, hey Becca, you should meet my friend, it was like oh no, panic, I’m bad. The things. Yeah, I was cornered, basically, in the kitchen, while refilling my adult beverage at this party. And I turn around. And it’s a girl who is also in the rally committee. She is a junior, a year behind me. Blond, real cute. Known her for a couple years. Never had an inkling at all in my head that she was even remotely on the spectrum of anything but 100% straight. And she’s like hey. I was like oh hi, not thinking that this is where this is going. And she’s like immediate word vomit, just word vomit. Completely just like, you’re cute, I think you’re really cute, I think I have a crush on you, I’ve had a crush on you for a while, you’re graduating, I don’t know what you’re doing after college, I don’t know if you’re moving. Said like at a thousand miles an hour the words, basically her confessing that she had a crush on me. And me being like, that’s cool. – Really got the language hole going there. – My language hole was just jaw on the floor. You just could’ve put so many words back inside, and no words came out of my mouth hole, my language hole. May words came out of her language hole. And I was like, that’s really great. And she was like okay, and left. – Oh she left? – She walked away from me. A couple hours later, after several more adult beverages, she corners me in the kitchen again. And this time I’m making a drink, and she taps me on the shoulder, and I turn around, and she pushes me up against a fridge. – Oh gosh. – And shoves her tongue down my throat. – She was a trumpet player, too, huh? – Also a flute player. – Oh really, oh wow. – Who’d have thought. Also a flute player. No, just more woodwinds, none of that brass up in here. I’m a woodwind only kind of girl these days. She shoved her tongue down my throat, and we started furiously making out against this refrigerator. Much to the raucous cheers of everyone we know. It was not a good kiss, but it was a meaningful kiss. – Did it hurt? – No, it was more like shocking and surprising. – Did she have a gum tongue? – No gum tongue, just very active tongue. – Not a Steve, not related to Steve. – Zero Steves involved at all. This is a Steve-free zone. – But this is like a shoulder-tap surprise attack. – Shoulder-tap surprise attack makeout case. – Again, might I point out, another very movie-like situation. Is that how your romantic life plays out, as if it is in film? – I wish, that’d be great. There’d be a lot more foot pops, I would’ve had at least one dance around or near a fountain. I have never been picked up on a dock while it’s raining, a la The Notebook. That is my ultimate goal. – So it’s not perfect. – No. No one has said, if you’re a bird I’m a bird to me, and that’s really all I want from life. – Speaking from experience, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. – Well hey Link, been there done that, you can say have not been there have not done that. So I cannot say the same thing. – I was joking, I haven’t been there done that. – I was gonna be really surprised. Not to put you down, man. – Did this turn into something more? – There was a lot of furious making out. At some point we left that party. I left with her. I won’t elaborate the rest of the story from there. – And then from there, other people got to use the fridge. – Other people got to use the fridge, yeah. I promptly then ignored her for six months. She tried to ask me out a couple times, and I was just like, ah panic. I’m very good at that. I panic and run away from most situations in my life. So I had this very meaningful first kiss. Then panicked for six months and ran away. Six months later she asked me out to the ballet to see Swan Lake. – Oh wow, dark. – Very dark, very dark. I went, it was a great time. We dated for three and a half years after that. – Oh wow. – Yeah, y’all met her. – Okay, yes got it. – Yeah, we dated for three and a half years after that. – Hmm. Well, you know what. So that was a victory. – It was ultimately a victory. It was definitely, as you can tell in both situations, I sort of was the much more passive actor in this, of just sort of, oh stuff is happening to me, I guess. But yeah, that was a great. I mean getting tapped on the shoulder, and then having anyone saying, I am into you enough to shove you up against a fridge and furiously make out with you in the middle of this party, that’s a great time. There was a lot of raucous applause from friends around us. A whole lot of people suddenly were aware that both of us were very very gay. Who had no idea prior to that. – I’ll never look at a fridge the same way again. – Or a trumpet. – Keep your eggs inside of it, or make out. – Thank you for sharing your story. Especially the vulnerability associated with it. So we do appreciate that. – And now I’m getting kicked off the podcast. – We talked about, that was gonna be a weird moment. And now you can leave, because. I don’t know, I’m really bad at that moment. – It’s understandable. – It’s like your dad trying to get off the phone. – It’s like me trying to kiss my girlfriend. – I’m gonna go, not kiss people. – Well, I mean. – Moving back over here. – So I mean, now the time has come, for me to tell you my Amber story. – Now don’t try to top mine, just because I told mine first. Just because I beat you to the punch doesn’t mean you have to swing harder. – A lot of these stories have something in common, and that is people not knowing what to do, people not knowing what they want. And I definitely did not know how to go about any of the things I’m about to talk about. But boy did I want to. (laughing) – At that age, everybody kind of– – You were an initiator in general when it came to relationship type stuff. And I was very much a responder, and very timid. – But it’s interesting, because especially at that age, people are sort of waking up to their own desires at different rates. It is personality-based in some ways, but then there are, I don’t remember when it happened, but I was just like, I want to kiss a girl. I really really want to. Even in sixth grade. I mean I would think about it all the time. I’ve talked about this before on an old Ear Biscuit, how I would think about it all the time. Even in first grade, I was already thinking about how I wanted to make it happen, but I had no opportunity. Then I had that opportunity with Leslie in sixth grade. Just couldn’t close the deal, because I was just so nervous. But by eighth grade, because I knew that, everybody else had done it. You had kissed Amber the previous year. And I don’t remember how that relationship started, but it was definitely one of the classic, friend comes up to you and says, well I always initiated. I went to the friend, I think I actually went to Leslie and said I like Amber, does Amber like me? Bada bing bada boom and then we were going out. And then, one of the things that we all did, was we would go hang out on Campbell University’s campus. And we would hang out in that restaurant, Shel’s Place. That was underneath D. Rich Auditorium, which was named after a student who had been killed on campus or something. And it was like a little restaurant. – You mean Michelle? – Shel’s Place. I don’t know the details. – I don’t either. – It doesn’t exist any more. I don’t think it’s on campus anymore. But we would go hang out. There was no college students, but a bunch of middle schoolers would go hang out there. And I remember going to campus that night, knowing that I was going to kiss Amber. I was like, this is my chance, there’s no parents around. And I believe Michael Juby was there, probably with Anna at the time. You were not there at the time. But there was a couple other couples. But it wasn’t like a makeout party situation, it was more like one at a time these couples are going to leave and go somewhere else onto campus, kiss and then come back. I had on my blue Nike sweatshirt. (laughing) Which I actually took my school picture in that year. – It was special. You wore it on all special occasions, and tonight was gonna be special. – Oh yeah, it was my favorite article of clothing. – Any time you’re premeditating anything awesome, you’re gonna wear that shirt. – Yeah. And of course, as selfish as I was, and am, I don’t remember what Amber had on, but I know I had on that blue Nike sweatshirt. – You premeditated to be mythical. – And I said, I am going to walk her to the fountain. – By the way, let’s do a T-shirt called premeditate mythicality, how about that? – It’s not that catchy, but maybe it’ll catch on. – We’ll work on it. – I’m gonna walk to the fountain. It was nighttime, there was a nice fountain out there in that part of the campus. – It is a nice fountain. – And I’m like, I’m gonna sit down. – The edge of the fountain is kind of like a bench. – Amber makes you feel like this is gonna be okay. Because you already knew that she had kissed other guys, and I had never kissed anybody. But I just knew that it wasn’t gonna be this weird thing for her. I knew that she understood what was happening. And so that whole weirdness was taken out of the fact. And she knew when we got up and walked to the fountain that that was exactly what was gonna be happening. And the only thing I was thinking was what Michael Juby had told me, which was, you gotta count. – He was a proponent of the timing of the kiss. – And he’s not even an accountant now, he’s a lawyer. But I guess there is a lot of math and counting involved in that. But he was like, you gotta count. And so I was thinking, I gotta count for Michael. And we go out there, and we sit down. – I gotta count for Michael. – I gotta report to Michael, I gotta tell him how many seconds. – But he was in Shel’s Place, waiting. – Yeah he was waiting for me. So I could come back and just flash a number at him. And I knew that if I wanted to go back, and it needed to be something I could just communicate with my hands, it had to be under ten seconds, because I only had ten fingers. I didn’t wanna be in a situation where I’m going like, 20, 15 whatever. – Yeah, hand Morse code. – So gotta go sub ten seconds so I can communicate it. So we sit out there for a second, I put my arm around her. And I just look at her, she looked at me. And she had the I know what’s about to happen and I’m totally into it look on her face. Which just made it very easy. And I leaned in, and I gotta say, I went in with an open mouth. Now not like a — – I think your mind is what’s supposed to be open. And your mouth is supposed to start shut. – And I went in with an open mouth, and there was a tongue exchange. Because she was ready for that, I was ready for that. I knew that that was gonna happen. – You’d heard many reports of my success. – Yeah, and we got into a little rhythm, and then a couple of seconds in I was like, oh shoot I gotta be counting. – Oh, and then you had to estimate. – I had to estimate that we’d been going for three seconds. – And that’s what you’re gonna come back to, to argue that you still went as long as I did. – Four, five, six, seven and then I was out. Seven’s a complete number it’s a prime number, it’s a perfect number. – Oh gosh. – And I gotta keep it in single digits. – And then you didn’t say anything afterward. Because you don’t, there’s nothing to be said. – I actually forgot an important detail, and I’ve told this story before some place, so I probably told that detail. But I actually did what I think is the right thing to do. I said, even though I knew she was totally okay with it, I was like, can I kiss you? – That is great. I mean seriously, I think that is great. – And she was like, yes. Because first of all, the communication aspect of it is really important. – Absolutely. Informed consent applies every way, in every direction. – But just the briefing, the pre-briefing, the post-briefing. The awkwardness will kind of go away if you talk about it a little bit. But it was great, it was good. We ended up basically dating that entire eighth grade year. – Didn’t. Was Michael pleased? – Came back inside, flashed him the seven, he gave me the thumbs-up. And then many times later, me and you actually sat and watched Michael kiss other people at church lock-ins. You remember that? – Yeah. I was not about to make out at at church lock-in. – And Michael went for so long that counting just didn’t matter any more. – Right, it was like an aerobic exercise. You going for 20 minutes? – Yeah right. It was definitely a minutes situation, it was no longer a seconds situation. He moved well beyond. – Raw mouth. – But yeah. But like I said, it was something that I was, we talk about this with the fact that our kids are in this age group now. They’re right in a sweet spot where, when we were discovering all that, and now they’re that age. And I haven’t told that story. I mean, we’ve talked about a lot of things in general terms. Trying to be as educational as possible, and give the best possible advice. But I haven’t told lots of personal stories. Mostly as to not give them too many ideas. – I’m currently figuring this out as well. – Right. – And so I’d rather not verbally process it on the podcast. But yeah, you know, maybe next time. But yeah, I’ll say that we’re figuring this stuff out. I wanna keep it about us. I wanna respect the privacy of my family. – I’m not gonna tell any stories, or mention any names. But yeah, thank you to all you Mythical Beasts who shared your stories, thank you to Ellie and Becca for sharing their stories. – Yeah. – And thank you, Link, for sharing your story. – You’re welcome. Thank you for your story too. (laughing) All right guys, we’ll talk at you again next week. Can we count on you? I knew we could. (electronic music)