(electronic music) – Ooh, welcome to Ear Biscuits. I’m Link. – And I’m Rhett. This week at the round table of dim lighting- – I was trying to like cue you that this was gonna be more of a sensual start. – Yeah, I didn’t want to follow you there. – Yeah. (laughs) So the music- – I decided not to. – I hope the music started sensual, and then once Rhett didn’t follow me, it’s like, it went away. But not with a record scratch. – The music is always the same. – These are edit notes. No record scratch. – The music has always been the same, so you can make it sensual in your own mind. – Oh, trust me, I have. – And I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to you. – Oh. – Ear Biscuiteer. – Trust me, they have. – You can make, I believe that one of the reasons that we picked the theme song that we did pick for Ear Biscuits is because you can make it say anything. You can make it sad, you can make it happy. You can make it sensual. – It’s one note. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. – Yeah, right. – Boop, it can be anything. – Literally. – It can go anywhere. – You know how sometimes when you’re just sitting there and there’s a noise that starts happening over and over and over again in a rhythm, like it might be a fan that’s getting caught or something like that, and then it kinda begins to make a little rhythm. And you think you got a song on your hands, maybe. – It’s a slow jam that starts with boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. – (laughs) No, listen. (Link laughs) It can be an R Kelly song. Well, we probably shouldn’t bring R Kelly into it. But it could be any kind of thing that you want it to be, you know? I think that that’s what Ear Biscuits is all about. It’s what you make it. – Well, that’s not really true. And we know that. – We’re gonna be talking about relationships. – We asked you, challenge our advice-giving prowess with your most difficult romance questions. Yeah. – Such a pretentious way to ask a question. – Well, that’s our MO, isn’t it? – We’d like to think that we’ve got great answers to everything. – It was tongue in cheek. It was facetious. I’m sorry if you didn’t interpret it that way. Reading your own copy on the internet. We are going to, yeah, get into some relationship mess. – I will not be talking that way at any point. – We’re gonna stir it up and get the aromas eking out. – [Rhett] Oh, come on. – And then we’re gonna taste the soup, baby. – There will be no eking, and there will be no tasting. – You getting choked up? Okay, I’ll stop. – I think my throat problem’s coming back. – We’re just talking about- – Uh oh. – We’re talking about relationship, advice is a tough word. We’re just gonna, you know- – We’re gonna give some, we’re gonna give our perspective. Maybe that’s helpful. – We’re just gonna chat, we’re gonna chat it up. – Maybe it’s not. – And give our POV on the LUV. Am I gonna start? I pushed this out. Now I need to pull it back in. – Sure. – So let’s just get into a question. – Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let’s do that. – Gina Hare, “my boyfriend sometimes goes days “without showering. “How do I politely tell him he smells “like moldy Swiss without hurting his feelings?” – First of all, I mean, a follow up question is is this just a, is she being sensational? Or does he really smell like moldy Swiss, cause that’s a very specific observation. – If he goes days without showering, and he’s like a mean, average, that’s redundant, of activity, he’s probably gonna smell. – Everybody smells like a different thing. – And if you eat a lot of cheese. Let’s just accept this question at face value, that yes, he does smell like moldy cheese. – He does smell like Swiss. Cause Swiss already stinks. – Okay, so he stinks. – It stinks, but then it tastes good. Does he taste good? That’s the question. – Gosh. Your lips taste like Swiss. (Rhett laughs) But your body smells like Swiss, so this is a zero sum game. – This is a problem, I will say that. – I think if you go days without showering, that’s the problem. – Well, I don’t know. – And then if you’re dating a person who goes days without showering, that is the second problem. – Showering is a modern-day phenomenon. – You know, but then I also think it’s a problem that Gina’s asking how do I politely tell him. – That is the real problem. Don’t need to be polite. – Well, first of all, I think this is the foundation that I think, of perspective, that we’re gonna bring to all of these relationship questions. And some of them are gonna get a lot more weighty than this first one. I’ll just go ahead and tell you that. – It’s gonna get real. – But even for this one, I will say, it can’t be a question of am I gonna say something or not. First of all, you can’t live or be in a relationship with somebody who stinks or smells in a way that you don’t like them to. And secondly, you have to be able to find a way to talk about it. And it’s, I don’t think politely is the right adjective, adverb I mean, that you’re looking for. I think it’s effectively and lovingly. Have the conversation. – Another way to say what you’re getting at- – Say it in another way. – The foundation is communication. – Communication. – And you’re asking this question, Gina, as if you’re talking about a coworker. In terms of the way that we see communication, so like I might have an acquaintance, or I might have a coworker or I might have, if you’re in school you might have a classmate that has a problem with their hygiene. And you would ask the question, how do I politely address this, how do I politely address the situation with somebody that I don’t know well enough to just talk to them about it openly. But when you’re in the relationship with somebody, hurting his feelings, you wanna be beyond that place. So I don’t know, maybe this is a very new relationship. But if this relationship is a serious dating relationship and this is beyond like, I actually just said serious and then Siri came up. Go ahead, I’m listening, she says. Siri, what do you think about this answer? About to blow your mind. (laughs) – What was your point? – My point was, is that- – Make her stop listening. – Quit listening, Siri! Golly. Is that you should be beyond this in the relationship. I’m assuming this is a serious dating relationship. And you have to find, there’s a deeper problem here. You gotta get to a place where you can have communication where this kind of stuff is being addressed like, if I smell, my wife smells ripe, which she doesn’t, but if she did- – We all do at some point. Or your breath stinks, or. – Yeah, I let her know. And she lets me know. And it’s just part of the contract, the honesty contract. So you just get to things more quickly. – If you’re concerned about hurting your partner’s feelings when it comes to them not showering for three days and you telling them that they stink, then you’re in for a world of challenges in conducting a relationship when they’re, like the real stuff hits the fan. – When it really stinks. – And you’ve got, and you’re gonna hurt their feelings. Now, I mean, when Christy tells me, “man, your breath stinks,” or “did you eat garlic for lunch, “because you’re reeking,” okay, if the wrong people are in the room when she says that, and she says it in the wrong way, then it might hurt my feelings a little bit. But I cannot have a relationship where the person that I trust and love the most can’t tell me when I am, when I don’t realize I’m doing something offensive. – [Rhett] Right. – That’s the bedrock of a relationship. You gotta look out for each other. So I think to answer your question, that’s how you approach it. It’s not a complaint, that like, “hey, you stink, “I don’t like how you smell.” But it’s like, “hey, I’m looking out for you. “We are a team. “We gotta make sure neither one of us stinks. “And you’re the one who does. “And it’s probably to do with the fact “that you don’t shower enough.” – Yeah, and halitosis is the biggest offender here. Let me just bring that into it, we’ll move on to another question. I don’t wanna take so much time on this one. But what happens when one of the people in the relationship has halitosis, and it’s not addressed by the person who obviously smells it? Two things happen. The first thing that happens is it settles in, it locks in. And then 20 years down the road, there’s just, you’ve learned to live with it. You’re one of those people that when you open your mouth in a grocery store, an aisle next to you, I can tell. – The cereal boxes melt. – Somebody with halitosis is opening their mouth. It could be yawning, could be talking. (Link laughs) Link and I are super hyper-sensitive to it, probably to- – And it makes us really angry. – An annoying level. But because it’s so easily addressed in 99% of the cases- – By a partner. – But the partner’s the one who has to address it. Don’t let this be perpetuated. – You’re creating a problem. – Gosh. – For society. – I was at a freaking restaurant recently, enjoying time with my family, and there was a husband and wife, and it’s usually dudes. Let me just go ahead and say dudes got bad breath most of the time. Something about what’s happening in our bodies. – We’re not talking about something you eat. We’re talking about something that’s living there. – And dude sits down with his wife, and like 15 seconds into him sitting down, apparently he opened his mouth. (laughing) – And it drifted over to your family. – And Jessie and I immediately made eye contact and just started shaking our heads. We’re like, “he’s got it.” And it’s a specific bacteria. It’s prevalent all across the world. – And you know who’s at fault? The person dining with him and not saying anything. – The person who’s closest, who’s in denial. – How the heck are you supposed to say something? A waiter can’t say anything. – Catch it early. Catch it often, be honest. Attack the stink at the heart. – And you know what? Fart in a relationship early. Just get it out there. – Yeah, I know people who have gone many, many years and have not farted in front of each other. And then there’s another hangup where people don’t like to, like, I’ve been in your bathroom at home. Now, my bathroom in my home, the toilet is secluded. – I love it. – Isolated, a sequestered toilet. It’s in its own little closet. But every other house I’ve ever lived in, it was just out in the open. And in your house, it’s out in the open. – I’m fixing it. I’m building a cardboard- – No, no, but I think this is actually great, because I mean, there’s gotta be times when you’re taking a dump and Christy’s brushing her teeth, right? It’s just- – No, because I go downstairs and use the guest bathroom for that. – You’re not backing up my point. What I’m saying is that, now, I can respect somebody who’s like, “we want to keep the romance alive.” I’ve got close friends- – I’m not saying you take a turd drop in front of your spouse or your loved one. – Okay, maybe I’m taking it too far. – That’s going just too far, man. – But you gotta go too far to know when to come back from it, okay? So don’t necessarily take dumps in front of each other. – You wouldn’t follow me into talking like this, but you expect me to follow you into that? No, my wife, Christy, you know, we’re ordering at a restaurant. And if I’m like, I hear her order, and then I’m like, “now, that has marinara in it. “You know that makes you burp a lot.” – Marinara? – Marinara makes her burp. – Specifically? – Like, and so then the rest of the night she’s doing that thing where it’s like (burps). – [Rhett] Gosh, yeah. – Like, she doesn’t like (loud burp). – Yeah, you get in the car, and then you just smell it. – Well, it’s not even the smell. I can’t- – It is for me. – Well, the smell’s not great, but I honestly don’t smell it as much as it just annoys me when it’s just like, she does that like trying to not exude a burp. – I call it the chili dog burp. (laughs) – We call it the Coach Royal, because (laughing) our grade school coach would always like, under his breath. – And he thought by stopping talking and going, he was hiding it from us all. – Like his cheeks would get big. – We know what happening, coach. We see that you’re burping and then swallowing it. – But it’s like, it’s acid reflux or something. – I think, hey, that’s what’s happening with my throat, man. – And I don’t- – Acid reflux. – And I’m like, “don’t get the marinara.” She’s like, “but I love the marinara.” – Get the Alfredo. – But you know what, we have an open, honest conversation about it. Nobody’s feelings are hurt. And we both get a little annoyed, but I mean, what is love if you’re not annoyed. It’s part, I mean, that is a sign that you’re truly, we’ll get to this. – We will get into that. – Here’s another one. – Well, hold on, we’re like 13 minutes in, so I do want to stop for a second. – Sell something? – Take a short break. – Okay, sure. – And let you know that you can get these wonderful Ear Biscuits mason jars. Is it, they’re not really mason jars. Masons don’t use them. It’s a myth. – It’s made of biscuit batter, hardened in the heart of- – Mordor. No, I probably can’t say that. Not associated with Lord of the Rings, trademark. Anyway- – And you can get one that’s signed, maybe. – Yeah, so if you go to – If you buy one now. – Mythical.store, and you order one of these, and they are limited supply. So we’re not gonna keep these forever. There’s a handful left. And some of that handful are signed by us. And the only way to get one is just go buy one, and then maybe you’ll get a signed one. It’s like the lottery. But there’s no money given to you. You spend money. So it’s not like the lottery. But I mean, it’s cool, cause we may have signed it. – Actually, that is exactly like the lottery. You spend money, and you don’t win anything. – (laughs) But you are guaranteed to get something, unlike the lottery. You can drink out of it. If it’s signed, you can drink out of it, and just don’t put it in the dishwasher, cause it will come off. Mythical.store. – Kaley Kathleen Bentley submitted to us, “an ex of mine”- – She did not submit to us, she just- – Submitted to us this question. “An ex of mine,” god. “An ex of mine had an incredible personality, “amazing taste in music, great sense of style. “We had the same political views, “and even our dreams for the future were “pretty much aligned.” I’m sensing a but here. – A big ol’ but. – “The only negative was that he had a pretty “insane amount of facial hair.” Facial hair? “It would get in the way of our kisses constantly “because it essentially grew over his lips. “I’m not kidding when I say that thing “had a mind of its own. “What would have been a polite way,” polite again, “what would have been a polite way of offering “to help trim it or keep it clean, “if only for the benefit of other women?” Hashtag Ear Biscuits. – I mean, obviously I take personal offense at this. – We actually made a video about kissing and having a beard. – Sponsored by Gillette. – Yeah. And it was me shaving my face and saying that I was a superior kisser because of it. – Now- – How to kill a beard, I think is what I changed the name to. – Kaley, here’s what I will say. It may be true that it’s more fun to kiss a man without a beard. But it is not more fun to look at this man without a beard. So I’m a lot less kissable without this beard, because I look like an alien that was abandoned on another planet. (laughing) – On another planet. – Yeah, not his own planet. – Oh, okay. (laughs) – You know what I’m saying? – I thought you meant not an alien. – Like an alien. – Not this planet. – So two things. – It’s an alien that didn’t even make it to us. – Not of the human race. – I gotcha. – And then abandoned by whatever race he is a part of. – So it’s better to be kissed and have a compromised experience than to not entice someone to kiss you at all. – But I was just saying that as a prelude, because my real answer to the question is that I think that the sensation that you feel when you kiss a bearded person is something that you actually adjust to relatively quickly. Like if you think that beards are gross- – Are you speaking from what Jessie has told you? – Yes. – Okay. – It’s the kind of thing that if you never kissed a bearded person, I assume that you notice and you experience the beard, and you may have a negative experience with the beard. But I think that experience, I think that multiple kisses, eventually, it’s just like part of their face and you don’t really think about it. – She says that it grows over the lips. And I have seen guys with that, eventually grew over his lips. – And I will say that I do, I trim. – You cut it across. – Right above the lips. I do that for my own benefit, because if I don’t do that, then when I’m eating, it pushes hair into my mouth, which I hate. But I think that this is just, I think you could have had a great relationship if you had just committed to the beard. However, again, with what you where getting at, this whole, how do I politely suggest, if you didn’t like the beard and it was a deal breaker for you, and he wouldn’t look like an alien without his beard, then you shoulda just, don’t worry about being polite. If it’s part of the relationship and there’s all this stuff that, I’m not saying be a jerk about it. – Yeah, I just think this is easy. I mean, if you tell a guy that you’re dating, “dude, I really desire to kiss you “and have an enjoyable experience “while we’re doing that, but I need you “to trim back the hedge, make me a target. “I can’t even tell that you have a mouth right now. “I don’t even know where to begin.” If you say that, like I’m very motivated to kiss you. This is not an ultimatum, but I’m just saying honestly that this will make it a better experience for both of us, I guarantee you that thing’ll be zipped across. – Yeah, yeah, if it’s that big of a priority, then you just gotta address it. And they gotta deal with it. And if they end up looking crazy after they get rid of it, then maybe you’ll change your mind. – Hey, I can’t imagine having the mustache go straight across the mouth. That seems crazy to me. – Some people are willing to grow it so far that they then- – Push it to the side. – [Rhett] Push it to the side. – Yeah, but then it’s to the side. Again, you gotta work as team, as a teammate. – It sounds like a bad beard management situation. – Right. – Really is what it boils down to. – So far seems like these women gotta swoop in and help their men with some just basic hygiene. – Let’s have a question- – That should never be apologized for. – A little bit more serious. – [Link] All right. – Timothy Coupland, in all seriousness- – Is there a question mark at the end of his last name? – Yeah, it’s weird. I’ve never seen that. “In all seriousness, studies show “that after around three to six months, “the initial hormones that make you “crazy in love wear off, and in fact “your body grows tired of the other person’s pheromones. “What should a person do to keep “a relationship going during this time?” – Three to six months, you say you fall out of that like, infatuation level of love. – Let’s just start by saying, I don’t know if the science is, you may be right about this. I have not researched this particular thing. I don’t know if the specific thing that you’re saying about the pheromones is true. But I do know that the concept of the crazy in love initial sparks, crazy about each other in the first few months of getting to know each other wears off, that is a truth of all relationships. – Yeah, so it’s really a question, I think it’s a great test of, when that inevitably happens, does something more enticing in a different way replace it? You know? It’s a different kind of love. May, I will have been married to Christy for 18 years. And then for you- – June will be 17. – June will be 17 years of marriage. And then you add a couple of years of dating. So this anniversary, I mean, by the end of this year, it’ll be 20 years of us being in a committed relationship. So I have a hard time thinking back to when things started to shift, you know? But I certainly know that you don’t make it years, much less decades, just based on just feelings. I mean, you start to, I mean, it’s commitment. You start to act within the confines, confines is not the right word. Within a relationship structure that, it doesn’t have a question mark on the end of it. Where it’s, hey, we are in this together. We’re now, we’re fully committed. It’s not about questioning that. So it is a really important decision to make a commitment, whether that’s in marriage or just conversationally, I guess. Wherever you’re at in your relationship. But you’ve got to, I lost my train of thought. What was I saying? – Can I hop on the train? – Hop on, yeah. Did you take the train? Is that what happened? – Exactly, it’s a new technique. – That’s why. – I read a Wiki How on it, and it worked. – Like, why did I forget what I was saying? – I totally didn’t expect – Cause you stole it. – to get the train of thought. (Link laughs) I think we’re on the same train, incidentally. Yeah, this initial infatuation that is the reason that you fall in love, it’s there for a very particular reason, right? It’s like, and we’ll get into this in a little bit, I think that if you just follow your raw, natural desires, apart from any kind of social contract or obligations or like what’s ultimately best for you, your family, and the world, you’re gonna be a serial cheater, a person who’s, even a serial monogamist, whatever, whatever the flavor of the month is, that’s what you’re kinda naturally going to gravitate towards, because that initial rush is physiological. There’s stuff that’s happening to you. – Why did you say serial monogamist? That confused me. – Well, because some people are serial cheaters, and then some people are serial monogamists, meaning they go from, they’re still with one person at a time, but they run out of steam with a person and then they go to the next one. – Okay. – So they’re not necessarily being unfaithful to the person they’re with. But it’s the same kind of concept. It’s like, “I’ve got to have something new.” Like that kind of releases those, it gets that part of my brain active, and almost like a drug. – The falling in love experience. – But if that’s what you’re expecting from a relationship, now, first of all, I will say, having been married almost 17 years, and 18 years here, is that it does come in cycles. So I think that, now, first of all, it’s not like, well, there’s this initial incredible energy that starts the relationship, and then three to six months in, you’re just cold, and you don’t wanna be with the person, and you just stick with it. That’s not what we’re saying at all. – No. – But if you have the mentality that Link was describing that’s based on commitment, and you’re committed to continuing to discover each other and know each other and kindle things, it’s gonna come in waves. – And that’s what I- – But the commitment is separate from the waves. – And I would say, my experience is that a commitment between Christy and I opened up a world of possibilities for us to then experience a relationship on another level that, if there’s this constant, be it ever so small threat or question mark in our relationship that maybe this isn’t gonna work out, or maybe she’s not 100% committed or I’m not 100% into this, if you take that off the table, it just opens up a world of trust, so then you can experience everything that life throws at you, and that relationships and being closest to somebody else on earth, to have somebody in your inner circle, so close to you that it’s like they become part of you, is something that, I just can’t imagine that happening if you have question marks. So once you, so for us, having that commitment allowed us to then weather, it’s not even weather like the rough patches in the relationship, which I think are guaranteed to come again and again, you know? – Because the nature of the love- – And you can grow. Those are beautiful moments. I’m saying even rough patches become beautiful moments, like when life hits you hard and you have somebody that you’re going through it with, it can be a very beautiful thing if you’re not constantly questioning it. – And I think that the rush that you get from love that’s been around for over a decade, there are moments that are even stronger and more significant than the initial attraction. A lot of times we talk about how we didn’t have any idea what we were doing. We were young. We got lucky, honestly. Both of us got very lucky, because a lot of people who get married at the age that we got married at, and then change, because we have changed a lot. – I was 21 when I got married. – I turned 22 the week after. – And I was 23. – And I was 23, and as a 40 year old, I am a very different person than I was at 23. My wife is a very different person than she was at 19, 19 when we got married. And a lot of people don’t make it past those significant changes. Like in your late 20s, there’s big life changes. In your early 30s, mid 30s, there’s these big changes that happen in most people’s lives. And we just got lucky that, but there was a luck factor to it, I do believe, because we do love each other, and we do like each other. Like we do genuinely like each other. We’re not tolerating each other. But I think the moments that we’ve had in the past 10 years have been ultimately much more intense, when it comes to romance than they were in the very early stages. – I also think that I never believed in like is a soul mate what you call the person that’s like the one person you were destined to be with? – Well, I mean, I’ll ask this question as you get into this, because- – [Link] Okay. – Dustin Israel says, “short and simple, “I wanna know how you guys would define true love, “as in the kind you have for your own wives. “What got you there, how did you know “that this is it, not that you can always “put a real definition to the idea. “But as an avid Ear Biscuiteer, I’m curious “to see where you two take this conversation.” – So what’s true love? – Saying you don’t believe in soul mates. – Well, no. I think that’s just what I’ve always thought. Like I always believed that human beings, being deeply flawed, it’s guaranteed that when you’re in such a close-knit relationship with somebody, when you partner up, that things are, all those flaws are gonna, it’s gonna be difficult. And so that’s the first thing I’ve always believed, is that you’re not gonna find a perfect person that there’s never gonna be any problems. Like, it’s just guaranteed. – That person doesn’t exist. – It’s part of the ingredients. The ingredients are flawed people, so it’s gonna be- – The perfect person doesn’t exist. The perfect match for you doesn’t exist, because the only perfect match for you is yourself. You know what I’m saying? – And then, which could be really horrible. So I think giving- – No, I’m not saying another person who is exactly yourself. I’m just saying the only person you’re ever gonna get along with is your own mind. – Yeah, I know you’re saying that. – Even then, you can’t even get along with yourself. – And I’m saying that might be, that might be a lot worse than giving yourself over to just loving yourself. – Oh, yeah. – Than allowing another flawed person so closely intertwined into your life that they make you a better person and you make them a better person. So in believing that, I think that’s what made me start believing that there’s no one that’s perfect. So therefore there’s no one person that I’m looking for as much as for me, you find yourself being very attracted and loving somebody, and then it’s a combination of that, and then compatibility, and commitment, being aligned in terms of the things that you want for yourself, from a partner, and in life. I mean, there’s a lot of emotional but also practical aspects to it that I just don’t think gets, and I think it’s being aligned enough to know that it can work on paper, for us to be partners. – Yeah, I think it’s, again, we’re not trying to take the romance out of this thing. But I think it’s a lot more practical than anyone ever really wants to believe. – It’s not that we’re taking the romance out of it. It’s that romance checks itself out, and then you have to work to bring it back in occasionally. – Well, to get back to the soulmate thing, and address this question, how you know you’re supposed to be with somebody, I think that just the concept of there being one person that has been selected for you by some cosmic force, it’s a beautiful idea. But the reality seems to be that it’s much more practical than that. You met somebody at a time when you were available, you were in a life stage where you were ready to get into a serious relationship, and they checked some boxes of physical attraction and common interest, and then the next thing you know, you find yourself married. And I think that there’s a very practical side to it. And it doesn’t mean that it’s not love. But I think that the love comes in that commitment that kinda surpasses the, cause what happens is, going back to that previous question, is like, you’re also going to find, there’s gonna be somebody else along the lines that you meet. And you’re like, well, I’m attracted to them. And I have common interest with them. It’s like, well, maybe I should be with them instead of the person that I’m with. I mean, that happens in relationships all the time. But what you don’t realize is if the shoe was on the other foot and you were with the person that you think you should be with, and you met the person you’re with now, you’d probably have the same exact thought about them. – And I do feel like I should jump in here. I think we, there’s certainly a balancing perspective for somebody who’s been through a divorce or had been in a really committed relationship, and then there was a really catastrophic breakup. And then on the other side of that, you haven’t experience true love or found another partner. So I do want to acknowledge that you and I, we have basically the same experience. – And we got lucky. That’s why I said, I wanna be very clear to say that I don’t think, well, I’m still with my wife because I understand commitment. A big part of it is that Jessie and I have realized as we’ve gotten older that we actually like each other. Even as we’ve changed, we still like each other. And that has made the ability to stay committed easier, because I think there are people who go through fundamental changes in personality or worldview, and then they cannot be compatible in a way that makes it tolerable to live with someone. – Or life situation. – Some people stick it out, and they get through that. And some people decide, you know what, we’ve collectively decided that we both want different lives. And I respect that decision. So I’m not saying that this means you can’t make those decisions. So I completely agree with you. But we both got lucky in the fact that it’s still working out. – Yeah, I think, to summarize, that we in no way want the perspective that we’re giving to be interpreted as moral advice. – Or a judgment of some kind. – Or any judgment. – Just giving you our perspective. – I mean, my dad, he’s been married a lot of times. – Yeah. – My mom’s been married three times. My dad’s been married five times. It’s something that I’ve learned to, I think I used to try to, I judged that as a kid or like as a newlywed. And that wasn’t fair. So that’s the last thing I wanna do to any of you listening. – Yeah, so it’s really just the individual relationship that you’re in right now, if you love each other and you are compatible, then just know that the romance is going to come and go, and the commitment has to, if you’re gonna stay together, the commitment has to supersede it. Okay, let’s move on to a different subject, from Melissa Eiberhart, “should my husband, your age, 40.” – Ooh. – Thanks. – Ouch. – “And I, not 40,” come on, Melissa! – That’s like me. – “Give into the baby pressure? “Neither of us have kiddos, though. “Thought I should ask some brilliant,” okay, now you’re on a good side, “40 year olds “if they would ever consider”- – I am not 40. – “Dadhood starting at this age, “and maybe I can convince him one way or another “so we quit going back and forth.” – So she wants to have a baby. She’s almost 40. And her over-40 husband doesn’t seem to be- – She did not say she wants to have a baby. She said, “should I give into the baby pressure?” So she’s probably got relatives. They just don’t know what they wanna do, and they’re probably having a bunch of conversations. – To me, and then she said the word convince. That’s what gets me. – No, “maybe I can convince him one way or another.” – [Link] Oh. – “So we quit going back and forth.” So he just doesn’t have his mind made up, and she apparently doesn’t either. There’s a question that we wanted to lump in with this one, because we think we can answer them together. – Nat Pua, “wife,” huh? – Pua. – Pua, that’s what I said. – I’m just saying it because I like the way it sounds. Pua. – Okay, you done? – I’ll say it a few more times, but go ahead. Pua. – “Wife and I are expecting our first child in June.” Oh, they’ve already done it. (Rhett laughs) “She is worried that this marks the end of all things romantic, dates, et cetera. As parents and husbands yourselves, any pro advice? Again, we are not pros. But we are- – Brilliant 40 year olds. – Husbands and parents. Oh man, yeah, well. The having kids at 40-plus is a specific thing. – Let’s not, cause the LA, let’s just assume these people are on the Los Angeles timeline. One of the things- – I’m just saying that’s a specific question. – It is, but I think that having been out here and realizing that we are the very, very odd case that has, you know, you’ve got a high schooler, and I’ve got somebody who’s about to be a high schooler. And out here, people don’t start their families until they’re in their late 30s or 40s. So this is actually not that unusual, at least out here. – Yeah. – So I don’t wanna get into the age, necessarily, because we’re actually, we’ve been talking to some friends of ours who have been asking the question, like, they’re friends with us and a lot of other people who have kids, and they’re just like, “should we have kids?” And we’ve been having this conversation pretty candidly. You got something? – I’m afraid. – [Rhett] You’re afraid to say it? – I’m afraid to say it. No, I don’t have anything I’m afraid to say. I’m just afraid to try to, you know, giving people advice about if they should have a baby or not scares the crap out of me. – We shouldn’t give any specific, let me just premise this by- – You know what, just do it. Just have a baby. – Let me just say that- – Blame us. You will hate us. So let’s just do that. If we did give the advice to have a baby, this may be a good thing. Then they could blame us and be, and direct all their anger at us instead of each other. Just like, “you’re the one who convinced me “that we should start having kids.” They can direct it all towards Rhett and Link, and then they can be a team. – But what about the child? – Well. – How’s he gonna get out of it? – I’m just saying in the moments when you’re feeling like this is freaking difficult, which, let’s say it’s half the time. The other half the time, they’re super grateful that they have kids. I mean, you’re gonna have both of those times. And in the time when you’re like, “man, this was a big mistake,” like, “why did I try to hike Everest?” You’re already up there. So it’s like, you’re almost up there. So it’s like you can’t come down now. You’re in it. You hate us, not each other. So I’m saying go for it. And blame us later. – Let me just premise this by saying that I think that children are wonderful. (Link laughs) And I think that our society is ultimately built on the family unit. And so I think that healthy families, intact families with committed parents who are committed to each other and their kids has been for thousands of years the kinda glue that holds society together. And I truly believe that. Cause the next generation’s gotta come from somewhere. And if they’re raised in stable homes, they’re going to do better, right? So but that doesn’t mean that everybody needs to be a part of that movement. And there’s interesting things happening in different cultures, like typically the way that this goes is you’ve got the more educated people get, the more developed countries get, the less children they have. And then you get into situations like Japan, where nobody’s getting married and having kids, and now they’re getting this aged population. And they want people to immigrate, and they want people to come and have kids, because it’s just the way the whole system works. And then typically in developing countries, people are having lots of kids, and they’re kinda just driving their economy, and it’s very complex. But for just the individual person and the people asking the question, and sort of the thing that we’ve been talking about with our friends is that you just have to know, like we didn’t know. We were on a very different path. We were on the path that was graduate from college, get married, have kids. And that is- – Get a good job. – That typically is like southern United States, Midwestern United States, there’s some pockets of the country where that’s kinda the path that people go on. Like it may be weird that I’ve got a 13-year-old kid, but if I go by North Carolina, everybody my age has a 13-year-old kid. – It is weird here. – But it’s unusual here. So if you already have established a life, and kinda of the people that we know travel all the time. They’ve been to all seven continents. They went to seven continents in one year. – I didn’t even know there were seven. – They’re all over the place. They’re constantly doing things. and they have both- – By the way, my dad’s only been married four times. – Yeah, I thought about correcting you, but then I was like, he probably knows better than I do. – Nope. – I thought it was four. I only remember four. – And there’s seven continents. So I got both those right. – You got it. I just told them, “I’m not gonna tell you “whether you should have kids or not. “I just wanna let you know that “if you have children, you won’t go to seven continents “in one year.” So you just need to understand that. And you may be like, “well, we’ve already been “to seven continents in one year. “We’ve done that, and now we’re ready “for this different adventure.” – Right, so Nat Pua’s saying she’s expecting in June. Is this the end of all things romantic? Well, Rhett’s saying this is the end of visiting all seven continents. – Definitely. – For a long time. – And this is also probably the end of one of you- – But they can retire. The kids’ll be out of the house, depending on how old they are, and then they can visit all seven continents if they want to. – But it’s also, it’s not just about travel. It’s also about career, you know? In our situation, our wives made a sacrifice to be the ones who spent the majority of their time with the children. And just now that our kids are in school and getting older, they’re beginning to think about their careers. – Huge sacrifice. – And that typically, historically, that burden has fallen more to women than men. That’s changing a little bit. But you also have to think about that, because if you both have something that’s going to take a bunch of your time, you both got these big dreams and these big desires, you gotta, you just gotta know that something is going to change monumentally. And if you both aren’t on the same page about that, bringing a child into that is probably not a great idea. – Well, I got two things. First of all, so to your specific question, does this mark the end of all things romantic? Yes. (Rhett laughs) For at least a year. I mean, until you can get a good babysitter, you gotta find a good babysitter, and then you gotta be committed to paying that babysitter so that you can have dates. – You can’t be one of these couples that doesn’t let the kids- – Stay with the babysitter. – Yeah, yeah, it’s like, well yeah, we can’t do this because of the baby. – Or grandma, or aunt. – I say pawn that baby off on somebody as soon as it can live on its own. – Anybody, anybody passing by on a train. No, someone you trust. But you gotta be committed to that if you have any hope of ever recapturing the romance, cause it’s gonna be gone for a while. Don’t let it be gone forever. You’re at a crucial point, Puas. Get that babysitter. And I’m not volunteering. Second thing, back to the previous question about the can I convince them one way or the other so we can quit going back and forth. I’m gonna give some specific advice. You tell me if you disagree or if it’s dangerous. – Uh oh. – Any caveats. Melissa and your hubby, you should earmark a certain amount of time, I’m talking about days to weeks, a starting point and an end point where you are not going to discuss it, but you are going to, you give yourselves and the other person the assignment to reflect and go on whatever a vision quest means to you to make a decision for right now. – Are you talking about ayahuasca? – No, I’m talking about whatever that means for you. – Because I don’t think you should advise that. – I’m not advising that. – That’s an individual decision. – I don’t even know how to spell that. – Starts with an I, probably. – (laughs) I just don’t think it’s healthy for you to try to convince or influence each other or even verbally process it, cause I- – Starts with an A. – I get the impression that you’ve done that a lot. So I, I’m doing like palm reading here. I can sense that, no, I’m not. And then I think you should come back with an answer. And then you should three, two, one, say your answer. And the question should be specific, like so for the next six months, are we going to, let’s make a decision now for the next X amount of time. I’m gonna say six months. Before we start, pick up this decision again to maybe have children. – I think that’s good advice. – And then you three, two, one, like we do on GMM, and you say your answer, yes or no. And if you both say the same thing, then you do it. If you, yes or no. If you start trying to have a baby or not. And then if you disagree, you gotta wait. This is not the type of thing that you can convince the other person of. Well, if you feel that strongly, of course this is coming from somebody that our third child, we decided to start trying to have, who ended up being Lando. The conversation was, well, I’ll participate in trying to make a third baby if I get to name the baby if it’s a boy. Like, that was literally the negotiation. – But you already had two, so it wasn’t like, it wasn’t the decision to break the seal and have children. – Right. – It was to have a third. – Yeah, by the time you get to three, it can just come down to like frivolous negotiation or something like who gets to name the child. – Right. – If I get to name it, we can make it. – I don’t think, so I don’t ultimately think your advice is bad. I mean, another way to say it is, you could say we’re gonna set a date by which, maybe you have a summit. Maybe you just say, we’re gonna take a day, we’re gonna go somewhere, and the focus of our conversation, our interaction, especially if you don’t feel like there’s one person who would manipulate the other, and we’re just gonna make a decision together. Or you know what? You just do ayahuasca. – That’s a joke. – Shannon Herben, “how do I get my hubby “to rinse the caked-on peanut butter “off his spoon before putting them in the dishwasher? “Yes, peanut butter is the nectar of the gods, “but it turns into the devil’s shoe gum “once it’s been sitting in the sink a few hours.” – These are the conflicts upon which the foundations of partnerships are eroded. It’s the little things. Excuse me. Let me spend the next 30 seconds clearing my throat. (clears throat loudly) – Pua. – Pua. – I’m just looking for an opportunity to say that name again. Pua. P-U-A. It’s exactly what you would think it’s spelled like. – I thought it would be spelled with two Os and an A. It’s with a U. I frequently sink my spoon into the delicious brown nectar of peanut butter. – Is this a euphemism, or are you talking about – A spoon in peanut butter? – Talking about peanut butter. – And you know what? When I’m done with that spoon, there’s not a remnant of peanut butter. – You’re not normal, though. – Because that, I mean, it is a pet peeve of mine. It’s wasteful, and it creates these problems. And you know what? I think that Christy and I, you talk about being lucky, things that you couldn’t understand, but I think one of the keys to our compatibility is how we both, and maybe this is cause our skills and our faults line up in this way. But we’re so compatible when it comes to keeping a house, keeping spoons. Like, we would both be annoyed by those things where it’s like shared space type stuff, like everything needs a place, and let’s organize stuff, and let’s use the dishwasher in this way. We’re very compatible. It’s been a real key to our relationship, in that we’re compatible in that way because we both care so much about something that if the other person didn’t, it would drive us nuts. So I really feel for you, that he’s putting these tainted, uncleaned peanut buttered spoons in the dishwasher. – You make it sound so scandalous. – Man. That’s tough, man. I think it could be grounds for, I think it could lead to divorce. – Well, it could lead to divorce. I don’t think it’s grounds for divorce. – No, it’s not grounds. – I have a different perspective, which I think is interesting in light of what you just said. – I don’t know how to fix it for you. I wish I could. – Because I, it’s interesting, cause Jessie and I are not on the same page when it comes to the way that we approach, quote, keeping a house, as you said. But my level of concern about it is very, very low. So first of all, Jessie’s an incredible designer. Our home is amazing. It’s like, we get compliments on it all the time, and I’m like, “it’s her. “She’s the one.” She makes all these decisions. It looks great because of her. – I like what you’ve done with the peanut butter spoon in the sink. – And it’s clean and it’s beautiful. But there’s a few drawers you probably shouldn’t open. (Link laughs) You know what I’m saying? And I assume every drawer at the Neil house is worth opening and useful and organized. And you probably have organizers and that kinda thing. – When people come over, we ask them to open the drawers. – Open a drawer, I dare you. – Just fishing for compliments. – And so we’ve got closets and doors that are hiding things, and have been hiding them for a very long time. – You shall not pass. – And interestingly, I don’t, that’s not what I would do. But I think the fact that I have a high tolerance level for it, so it’s like I would not do this in the drawer. – It’s not a source of contention. – But I’m not gonna open this drawer and let it really get my goat. And so therefore we’re compatible. We’re totally different than you guys, but compatible. And if I felt the way that you feel about it, then either I would have had to have changed or she would have had to have changed, right? – Right. – But this specific issue with the peanut butter spoons is very, very real in my family with my children, because I was just telling somebody the other day, we go through two full-size, large peanut butters a week in my home. – Wow. – My kids eat so much peanut butter. And I do too. And so does Jessie. – On the spoon? – We put it on a lot of things. I don’t talk about how much I love peanut butter a lot of times, because you know it’s kinda your thing. From a brand standpoint. – Can only be my thing. – But I probably eat more than you do. – That’s not, you eat more of everything than I do. – No, no, I probably eat more peanut butter. Like, I have a peanut butter spoon. Do you still do the peanut butter spoon in the chocolate milk every night? – Not every night. – I have peanut butter spoons all the time. And my kids have them all the time. And they take them, and they eat them, and they don’t get it completely clean. And they throw it in the sink. – That’s why you go through so much peanut butter, cause they don’t lick the spoon clean. – Yeah, I’m not arguing with you. I lick it clean. I don’t, I lick it clean. – And they throw it into the sink? – In the sink, and sometimes I go and there’ll be like seven. And we’ve only got four people in our home. – And then it’ll have a little water on it from where the water has gotten down into the spoon. – I can’t stand it. – And it lightens the color of the peanut butter, but it doesn’t do anything to it. So you sit there, and when you wash it, you’ve gotta use your thumb to get it out. – Yeah, well, Shannon- – That’s wrong. That is so inconsiderate. Make them use their own thumb. I think you gotta wash it, they gotta wash their own. You gotta rub their nose in it. – I think you got two choices, Shannon. – You rub your kid’s nose in it? Tell me what you’ve done before you tell her what to do, cause if you can’t fix your problem- – I’m gonna give you two options. Option one is don’t fix the problem. Let it not be a problem. – Well, someone has to clean the spoons. You’re saying don’t complain about it. – Yeah. – When you have to hand clean. – Yeah, you just take care of it. You just do it. But option two is you take those spoons, and you find a place- – In their bed. – That’s his. A place that, I wouldn’t go bed. Just a place that’s his. – Like Godfather hoards. – Like maybe the passenger seat of his car. You just take a plate, and you put all the peanut butter spoons on the plate. And you just set it in his car on the passenger seat. – Passive aggression. – Yeah, and just say, “all right, “you can take care of these.” This is what you wanna do, you can take care of these. I mean- – No, I don’t, I mean, there’s gotta be a way to not be so passive aggressive. But I think- – What, you just talk about it? That’s no fun. – No, I think he does have to wash his own spoons. You know, a kid doesn’t wipe their own butt until you stop wiping it. – Well, no, there was a few months there when nobody was wiping Shepard’s butt. And sometimes there’s a gap. – What do you mean, a gap? What are you talking about? – I’m saying sometimes there’s a gap between when you stop and they start. – Oh. – There’s a couple of months, maybe a couple of weeks where there’s just poop on the butt. So I mean- – Poop in the gap. – What you said sounded like a great point, but I’m just saying there’s exceptions. And I’m familiar with one. – What are we gonna do? – You know what I mean? I think we should pick the best question to end on. Okay. – It’s a little weird. So let’s end with that one. – Joseph Allen. “First off, long time listener, first time caller.” – Oh, thank you for calling. What’s your question, Joseph? – “Second, my friends moved in with me, “and it has really put a cramp”- – Friends? Plural? – “My friends moved in with me.” – Okay. – It sounds like there’s multiples. “And it has really put a cramp “in my wife and I’s romantic styles, “if you catch my drift.” – [Link] Whoa. – “What do we do?” – So he’s married to a wife. And they have romantic styles. But now he’s got friends living there. – This is trouble. This is very, very troublesome. – And you wanna have your romantic stylings. – Liaisons, you might call them. – Well, I’ve got three friends who live in my house. My children. (Rhett laughs) And I still find a way to have romantic stylings. And they have little to no clue about what’s going on. – Yeah. – But you know, they each have, I have my own bedroom. – Maybe they share a wall. You don’t share a wall. You’re on a totally different floor. – That’s right. – [Rhett] With your kids. – That’s right. – I’m across the hall, so I don’t share a wall. But what if they share a wall? Let’s assume they share a wall. – But for adult friends, I mean, you shouldn’t have to tiptoe around in your own house to do naturally human partnership activities. – Well, some people- – Team building exercises, you know what I’m saying? (laughs) – I think we’re assuming, when he said romantic stylings, I mean- – Romantic stylings, partnership- – As he said, romantic styles. So maybe he’s got different styles. (Link laughs) I know a couple. (laughing) But so anyway, I think, let’s just assume that there is, maybe we’re just talking, maybe this is a small apartment, maybe the walls are thin. Maybe one or both of them are uncomfortable knowing that someone’s in the next room. I don’t know. Let’s just assume that’s the situation that we’re in right now. Then, because the easy answer is what you suggested, which is what I do, which is I don’t worry about it. Turn the music up and put the kids to bed. Whatever it takes. But let’s assume that’s not an option. You gotta have a system. – Well, and I think it’s on your, you know, this is not like accommodating your guests. I think this is the scenario where- – They have to accommodate your styles. – The permanent guests have the be sympathetic to, hey, they’re on your turf. And they’re in your territory. And you can’t apologize for marking your territory. You know what I’m saying? – Yeah, and I say you gotta have a way to communicate very clearly. Now, first of all, you could just say, like, tonight’s the night. But it doesn’t always happen like that. – Tonight’s the night. – I just think we gotta have a system of like flags or something, you know? Like red flag’s on the door. You know? – Like a torch burning out front. Don’t even come in the house. – Yeah, well, I think it’s a two-flag system. Well, it’s a three-flag system. You’ve got a flag that’s on the outside of the door. Outside, it’s in the hallway of the apartment building or on the front porch or whatever. And that’s the styles are happening right now. Do not enter, cause we could be in any room. That’s one system. – This is where? On the porch? – This is outside. – I think that’s the torch, but go ahead. – Okay, it’s a torch. – For night. – Flags are safer. – For night purposes. – It’s a glow-in-the-dark flag. – [Link] Perfect. – We can do that. – Perfect. – And then you’ve got a flag system on the door of your bedroom. – Of the bedroom. – The room where the styles happened. And that’s just a the flag is waving, and that person just needs to know, I need, cause if you’re not comfortable with the person in the next room, then, cause it sounds like that’s the situation. – Well, then I hope you had a really good reason to let them stay at your house. I mean, I’m just gonna say that. – Oh, you should just kick them out? – I’m saying if you knew this was gonna be, I just hope that you have a, if this is permanent, first of all, if this is permanent, you gotta figure this out quick. Where’s the third flag? You said there was a third flag. – Yeah, there’s two flags on the bedroom door, depending on what you’re doing. – Oh, okay. You’re talking about how many flags you need to purchase, not how many locations there are for flags. – Or really like how long this is going to be. We got like a seven-minute flag, like we’ll be out there and watch TV with y’all in a second. (laughing) That’s one flag. So they know I don’t have to leave the house. I could just go on a walk, take a smoke break, and I’ll be back, and everything’ll be cool. And then you got another flag, which is like, I need to go to Applebee’s, you know what I’m saying? – Right. – Dinner and a movie situation. I gotta leave for an extended period of time. – I want my baby back, baby back. – Cause you never know what kinda night it’s gonna be. It might be a seven-minute night, or it might be like a- – Okay, dude. – A 13-minute night. (laughing) You know, somewhere between seven and 13 minutes. – I mean, if this is feeling awkward for you, then that’s your problem. Because this is- – It’s natural. – This is human. This is how we all got here, via flags. – The flags. We should sell that kit. Oh, man, the markup on that would be incredible. (Link laughs) Three flags, one of them’s glow in the dark, we could probably make that, get that made overseas. – You think there’s that much of a demand for- – Less than a dollar for the total kit. – Close-quarter roommate situation? – I don’t know, but we’d sell it, I mean, it’s worth so much to people, we sell it for $75. You just put the right picture on it, sell it for $75. If we just sell 100 of them, we’re doing great. (laughing) – Have helped you? Have we- – I think we have. – Boy, have we made things awkward. Have we made things worse? I don’t know, but you can let us know, hashtag Ear Biscuits. – And we’ve got, you know, there’s questions that we didn’t get to. So we’ll try to get to these romantic, just depending on what you thought about how we did, we may answer more questions. If the flag system really just, that turned you off completely, then we’ll never talk about this again. – I’m still thinking about it, though. I just feel for those people, that that’s the situation they’re in. I feel for a lot of people. I feel like, in closing, I just feel very fortunate that, as young as we were, that we found the soulmates, I do believe that we, that I have a soulmate. And you know what? She is my soulmate. And then for us, we were in this system where we had kids young. And now we’re at this place where it’s weird to have had kids as young as we had, but we still have so much of, we still have been able to pursue our careers, mostly pinpointed to the sacrifice that Christy and Jessie made to allow that, so that we can have our cake and eat it, too. To have families, career, and a loving, committed relationship with our wives, that I know that to make it this far is, when you say luck, I think what you mean by that is that it’s not because we’re awesome people and because we had all this amazing foresight and made these informed decisions, like with some sort of magical knowledge of our compatibility in the future. – We can’t take credit for it. – So I just feel extremely grateful that we’re in this position that a lot of people don’t find themselves in. And they’re left dealing with that or trying to figure it out. So I don’t know if that puts an encouraging spin. I would like to find a way to give hope to those people who are listening who, they just don’t have that love in their life that they’re wanting. But I don’t know what to say, beyond I hope you find it. (laughing) You know, I’m sorry. I don’t have a magical thing to say, but our hearts go out to you. And we don’t take credit for where we are. I’ll leave it at that. – I agree with all that. And the only thing I have to add is Pua. – We’ll speak at you next week. And we love you. – [Voiceover] To hear this Ear Biscuit in its entirety so you don’t miss a thing, follow the links in the description to ART19, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and anywhere else podcasts are available. To watch more Ear Biscuits, click the video on the left. To watch more from This is Mythical, click the video on the right. And don’t forget to subscribe by clicking the circular icon. Thanks for being your mythical best.