Welcome to Ear Biscuits, the podcast for two lifelong friends talk about life for a long time. I’m Rhett. And I’m Link. This week at the round table of dim lighting. We’re talking about some stuff that we’ve gotten caught for as kids. Oh, we could, it’s confession time. Maybe a little bit of that. Um, there might be a diagnosis in it for me. You know, sometimes when I talk about things. That I’ve been, that I’ve done, people like to turn it into a diagnosis. That’s the fun of the internet. That may happen. That’s the fun of the internet. And I guess I’m okay with it because I’m deciding to bring it up, but um, maybe I’ll change my mind. That’s, you know, that’s the beautiful thing about the barrier of entry to entertainment being so low at these, at this point in history. People like you and me can be entertainers for a living. And here we are. But also, uh, whereas in the past. Also people more talented than us. And also people less talented. Sure, there’s some, maybe. But, um, in the past, you would have, let’s just say, Johnny Carson. He would be doing his thing. On the television. You might think that Johnny Carson is fill in the blank. Diagnose him with something. Narcissism? I don’t know. What could it be? And you would only do that in the comfort of your living room with your family members if you decided to talk about that. Right. And he would never find out about it. You know, there might be a letter writing campaign and then you might show up on entertainment tonight or something. Uh, if. Maybe in the late 80s. But now we’re in a, we’re in a situation where Amy Schumer, I just happened to see this comedian, um, said that at first she was getting hate from people for like something about her physical appearance, but then it morphed into her getting a diagnosis. For something. I can’t even remember what it was. But she like– You mean like a physical? Yes, like a physical condition. That happens a lot of times. People see like a growth on your neck or something. You should get that checked out. That’s happened multiple times. I mean, I’ve been accused of having Marfan Syndrome. Right. By my father in law, but also by the internet. Um, multiple, multiple psychological disorders. Because you’re long and lanky and you’ve got big eyes? I don’t know, me and Michael Phelps, I guess. Did you— Supreme athletes, I think. You looked into it. Well, I googled Marfan syndrome and saw a picture. I don’t think so. Okay. Well, it helped Amy Schumer, so maybe you can be helped Maybe I can be helped. But that’s the point I’m making is that there’s a bright side to this people diagnosing you on the Internet I’m just trying to find a, I’m trying to find a, I’m trying to find a positive angle here. I think I did. Um, but first, it appears that we owe someone an apology? Hi Rhett and Link, my name’s Jess. I’ve been a big fan for over ten years now, and I’m calling to request an apology. Because I struggle with intrusive thoughts sometimes, and the best part about intrusive thoughts is that when they pop up, It’s always when you really don’t want them to. So, the other day, my partner and I were engaging in some activities. And in the heat of the moment, my brain decided it was time to make things weird. And it started playing Rhett’s Booty Knot song. So, I had to wrestle that thought out of my mind multiple times because it kept coming back. And now I’m afraid that that’s going to continue happening during future activities. So again, I’m requesting an apology and also I’m wondering if anything similar has ever happened to you guys, anyway, love you both. Thanks for listening. Uh, I think I’m going to refuse to apologize. It doesn’t seem like I’m involved. I do not really understand the problem here. I mean if you’ve heard the song. It is one of the sexiest songs around. I know, it’s like, it seems like it’s perfect for the occasion. I mean, for those who haven’t heard it, why don’t you just give them a little acapella. Um. I’m so tight, so stressed, need someone to rub my chest. Oh yeah, that’s the spot. I love the way you. I love the weewo waywo wewo. I love the way you work my booty knot. And then the next part. Is even better for what she’s talking about. Put some oil. Put some oil on my neck. No, no, no. It’s lower. Your voice goes lower. Put some oil on my neck. What is in your back? Give me a two handed attack. Uh. How do you know the words to this? I’ve had a really hard week. Cause I have sex to this song on a weekly basis. I’ve had a really hard week. And I want you to rub my feet. Um, oh yeah, that’s. It’s better when you hear the recorded version. The studio version is better than what I just did, But I think that the. So disappointing. You don’t even remember your own Booty Knot song. It, it was the first time you really went solo. I’m there in the moment. To the, to. I don’t remember songs, man. Someone’s opinion. I’m there in the moment and then I let. Great effect. And then I give it to the people. Why wasn’t that on the James and the Shape album, by the way? It was. Yeah, you have to play it backwards. That would have been a hell of a bonus track. Well, James and the Shame lives on. I mean, it’s not, I’m releasing music this year. So, maybe I could have a. Bonus track on the CD. You know, bring back that whole 90s thing. Or it’s just one long track with a bunch of space in it. Um, turns out there was a, uh, here I am talking about 311, a 311 track from the nineties. It was discovered by the internet like a month ago that there was a hidden track. On track, before track one, which is something that is rarely done and people didn’t find it. Well, how do you do that? How do you find it? You press play and then you hit rewind and it keeps going back, back, back, back, back, back, back, and you get something. What album? I can’t remember. Okay, thanks for the idea. Doesn’t matter. Um. I don’t think it’s grassroots. I’m not going to apologize for this because. The BPM, first of all. It’s perfect for sex. It’s the perfect sex BPM. It’s talking, you’re talking about like a 93? 92? Might be 90. I don’t know. I don’t know specifically. Okay, well. Take it from me. But uh, well, there’s a range. You don’t want to lock into one BPM. And you, and I believe in having a sex BPM that allows for double, double beats. Oh, yes. Okay. Well, then you’re more in like a. Chika-chika-chika. Cause you get, sometimes you want to hit the hi hat like this. Chika-chika-chika, Chika-chika-chika. Double time. Double, double time. You’re not going to do that with, uh, 90 BPM though, you’re going to, you’re going to have to go slower than that. I don’t, at your age, not capable of going, you’re not going 180 BPM, homie. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Oh no I’m not doing that. That ain’t gonna happen. Um, so I, I think that this is not a problem. I think that you should be playing the song out loud so that your partner can also enjoy it. I mean. Don’t keep this in your head, bring it into the room. It should happen every time and you can try the acapella. Just start singing it. Well, I think maybe. Oh yeah! And use that voice. Rhett’s fake Lil Jon voice. I think we should probably release the instrumental version though. Because I do understand that my voice may be a little bit distracting because I don’t want you to be thinking about me, you know. I don’t want you to be that distracted. And so, so I think if maybe you just hear the instrumental, you can understand the beauty of the song and what it really offers. Uh, I mean, what is the, what’s the BPM of Pony girl? Yeah, girl. Yo, yo, I’m so tight, so stretched, slower. I, it’s a little slower. It’s a little slower. I’m saying it’s 85. I’m looking this up. Yeah, I just feel like there’s a range. It says it’s simultaneously 71 and 71. 1 42. See, that’s all depending on where. There it is. Rhett. That’s it. 71. I’m not gonna argue. Argue that 1 42, that is, that’s the sweet spot for the double spot. That’s really slow though. 71. I mean, I know 1 41 is, 1 42 is really, really fast, but still achievable. Achievable. That’s it. I’m glad you brought that up. That’s the one right there. Next time. This is your solution if you don’t want booty knot in your brain. Play genuine in the room. Matter of fact, play any song in the room and you will not hear another song in your head. It’s just, it’s very hard, if not impossible to do that. What’s the name of that Victoria Monáe song? Uh, All My Mama? Or the one where she’s talking about her titties bouncing? Either. Any Victoria Monáe song. What’s the BP M of? Is it all my mama? Look up that we’re talking, we’re talking BPMs today. If you’re just joining us, um, no one just joins the podcast, Every song that I have in my collection, 153, see, it’s a half, half that. Yeah. See, so see I that I. I was gonna say I just feel like we’re talking 71 is so slow. That’s it right there. You know, a lot of times I start, 77 is not well, ironically, a lot of times when I’m writing a song, I intrinsically and I don’t know why I do this, but I start. At a 77 BPM like when I like I write all my music just on my guitar, just me and a guitar. But then when I go into a lot of times I start on a 77 because it’s the year of my birth and it feels like there’s something significant about that. You don’t want to do that for every song. No, of course not. But what I have found is that. What is her, what is her 76, 75? 77. Oh, she is 77. Mm hmm. Um, I wonder when she was, what year she was born. I’m sure she’s younger than me. But anyway, it’s a good BPM. And I think it’s better because I think that the 71, if you just go into single thrusting on the beat, is too slow and it gets a little awkward. Yeah, I disagree. I think it is perfect. Do you know how slow Yeah, it’s perfect for the double, but for the, if you go single, it’s too slow. It forces you to pace yourself, Rhett. Too slow for you may not be too slow for your partner, you know? You always don’t have to be on the beat, too. Sometimes there’s bridges and stuff. Personal bridges. Well, we’re talking as if it’s all going to happen within one song. But let’s hope there’s a second song. Sometimes. Maybe a third song. Depends on what night of the week it is. And then you want the BPM to increase a little bit. If it’s a school night, sometimes there needs to be one song. And, well, then I would go with Booty Knot. That’s a short song. Exactly. Repeat it maybe. It’s everything. Maybe once. It’s everything you’ll need. And so, I think this should, you should, we should revamp this and you should be given a Yeah, yeah. I’m not apologizing to you. I want to say you’re welcome. For bringing this song into the world and bringing it directly into your bedroom in your brain Intrusive thoughts just to have a little moment about that. Can’t relate. Uh, don’t have any intrusive thoughts, never had one. Uh Don’t know what you’re talking about Now, extrusive thoughts. I have a lot of those. So maybe for a split second they’re intrusive. But then they come out. But then they extrude. Like that thing that you put Play Doh in and then you push down the top and then it comes out in different shapes. That’s how I communicate. Smooshing Play Doh out. It’s like, what shape am I gonna get now? That explains a lot. What color’s gonna come out now? What if we mix these two? What if I throw another thing in there? But, to complete the analogy, you don’t actually have access to what the shape is on the other side until it comes out. I don’t, yeah, I’m not, I’m on the back, I’m on the back side pushing. You look at it. I’m back here pushing. Oh, it’s a star. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 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That’s up to 10 free HelloFresh meals. Just go to hellofresh.com/ear 10 fm HelloFresh America’s number one meal kit. Next question. Hey Ruttenlink, my name’s Alex and I was just listening to your newest episode of Ear Biscuits where you were talking directly to shoplifters. And as a shoplifter I’m going to respond. I specifically shoplift only from stores that, uh, Put a lot of money towards like really awful policies that I disagree with Like conversion therapy and stuff. So I think it’s more ethical to shoplift from Hobby Lobby than to not do anything at all Or Chick fil a. I don’t know. I will always take things from them or like any chain like There’s a saying, if it’s a chain, it’s free reign. So I’ll put like Applebee’s cups or little saucers into my purse after I’m done eating. I think that’s fine. Okay, well. And a little thrilling, isn’t it? It’s not like you’re not getting anything out of this. Without necessarily Endorsing what Alex has laid out, uh, I will say on a planet, let’s just be real for a second. Okay. And we are on one. On a planet in which there are approximately 8 billion people. Is that what we’re up to now? You don’t know. 8 billion people. Um, if I’m not mistaken. I don’t know. 8. Individual people, eight individual people have more wealth than the bottom four billion people on the planet. If I’m not exactly right, I’m approximately right. Eight individual people have the combined wealth of half of the people on the planet. That’s wild. Is that sustainable? Is that moral? Sustainable? Is that right? What would you do? Is Hobby Lobby one of those people? I think our friend Rainn Wilson may have talked about this in his book, so I’m going to give him credit for this. Okay. If I’m wrong, so be it. Um, But like, sometimes it is useful to picture how an alien would think about a situation. Like if we went to a planet, and we observed that that was the case on another planet, we would be like, well, something’s not right about that. Like, how did that happen? That doesn’t seem, that doesn’t seem ethical, right? Yeah. And so I understand the sentiment. I’m not saying that the Hobby Lobby guy is one of those eight people, but what I’m saying is that if you want to get your panties in a wad about people saying things like what Alex is saying here, where maybe you should shoplift from corporations that you disagree with, before you do that, what is your answer to the first thing that I said? You know, how do you feel about the, the, the morality of that reality of the fact that 8 billion people, uh, uh, 8 people own more than half of the world? So you’re saying if you’re not happy with that, that gives you license to steal? No, I’m saying that if you’re unwilling to recognize the unethical nature of that reality, you can’t say shit about somebody shoplifting. Oh. That’s what I’m saying. Uh, what if you’re, like, law enforcement? I’m not. Okay. And also, I will say, I will say, again, not endorsing. We gotta have, we gotta have a little order here in society. No, I’m not endorsing. But I will say, Hobby Lobby doesn’t have barcodes. Because they think that barcodes are the mark of the beast. Or something like that. And so they might not have one of those things that catches you as you go out the door. I don’t know. Easy target. Because how would they keep track of what it is? Which has barcodes. No, but maybe they do have the little tags, but if it’s a little wooden birdhouse. And you don’t see one of those things on it, it’s probably not going to be caught as you go out the door. Again, I am not endorsing this. I am not encouraging it. I’m just making an observation. Well, I’ll approach this from a purely practical perspective. Most of what you’re gonna find in a Hobby Lobby is, it’s like cheap wood, and it’s jagged, and there’s like, I don’t know, it’s like, it’s not the, it’s not the smoothest stuff, and if you’re, if you’re jamming this stuff down your pants, as shoplifters do, I mean, I, I think you’re, You might be hurting yourself. You know, they got, they got those like alligator clips on the back of everything, all the, all the dumb stuff that you can hang on your wall. It’s just like, oh yeah, the alligator clip will like hang on that nail on your wall in your kitchen so that your sign that says kitchen will help you understand that you’re in your kitchen. But if you put that kitchen sign down your pants, alligator clip might get caught on your foreskin. Yeah. You know, and if you’re circumcised, that’s why I don’t have a force. It might get caught so I can shop on the actual. I got, I got circumcised. I got here to here. I got circumcised so I could shoplift Hobby Lobby. That’s even, it’s even worse. And again, I don’t actually hear me. It’s worse. I don’t do that. Circumcised people. It’s harder for them to shoplift. Uh, alligator clipped items. It’s harder? It’s, it’s more painful, yeah. When circumcised? Oh yeah. But the foreskin is there if you are not circumcised. It’s protection. Oh. Yeah. You want the alligator clip to catch the foreskin and not the actual glands. Oh yeah. Yeah, man, I wish I wouldn’t circumcise sometimes like I would love to just like grab all that skin and just put like a Clothespin on it and then just just see if I could make it pop off the clothespin. Yeah Well, you can reverse your circumcision. You’ve seen how to with John Wilson. We watched that episode together There is a movement. Yeah, but I but that’s via stretching. Well, I stretch every morning I could just add one more, one more stretch. I could just, we have one more stretch. I am now, by the way, I’m already with every morning stretch. I’m now hooked up to a machine of sorts because in my quest, you know. My continual quest for eye health, I’m doing the warm compress, but now I’ve got a device that is USB powered that, like, warms up my eyes in the morning and the night. And in the morning, I was like, I don’t have any time beyond what I’ve already committed to, so now I do my stretches essentially blindfolded, with my eyes being heated. And tethered. And I could just attach something to my penis and stretch my foreskin. What I’m saying is, at this point, I’m tethered to something that could be tethered to something else. I need to consult my wife, though. I don’t know if she wants a foreskin. I don’t know if she wants me to shoplift, actually. You know what I would be willing to do? Help you with this. Okay. Um, I know where your bedroom is in your house. Just drape a string out that window, and then I’m not gonna have you pulling a string that’s attached to my dick. And then I’m gonna be down there I’m not gonna do that. I’m gonna be down there on the driveway. You are so, I’m just gonna be yanking on that string a little bit. You’re the most aggressive, your hands are so aggressive. Everything you do, you eat aggressive, you pet dogs aggressive, you grab things aggressively. You don’t have any, like, tact or smooth or chill with the way that you move things around. No, no, no, no. My DJing skills is helping me with that. I’m never gonna let you touch a string that is attached to my body in any way, and much less my dick. So if I’m gonna stretch my foreskin I’m doing it on my own. Well, I’m the one who wants to do it. Why are you getting in on my thing? We can both stretch our foreskins. I’m not stretching it. I’m getting skin grafts. Hmm. I don’t know about that. I mean, I wonder if I’m gonna tell my kids it wouldn’t, if, like, any grandbabies I have, any grand, grandboys, to not circumcise them. I think it’s their decision. Leave it up to them. Yeah, but I can weigh in. I’ll be like, it’s like, I want you to realize a dream. That I’ve never experienced. The problem is And I’ll give you a clothespin every year. Well, the problem is, is the There’s still a stigma. You know, there’s still this Oh, I think the word you’re looking for is smegma. We are People still Culturally Like, if you draw An erect penis If you draw one It’s circumcised, you know, I’m saying like when people when people what do you mean in a wrecked one? It doesn’t look that different if you if you draw Like a dick and balls. Like if you said, if you just instructed the average person on the street, can you draw a dick and balls? But don’t say, it’s even more obvious when it’s not engorged. So, let’s say, draw just like a flaccid penis. A flaccid one. They’re gonna draw a circumcised one. Most people will. I mean, of course, we have a bias being where we’re at. Yeah, right. This probably wouldn’t happen in other parts of the world. Right. But what I’m saying is that, like, you know, we send a lot of media out into the world. We have a lot of influence here in this country. Yeah. And so, I think in order to get more people to be okay with the foreskin, You’re gonna have to start drawing more foreskins. You’re gonna How do you make foreskin more acceptable? You gotta put it in people’s conscience. You gotta put it in more drawings. So, to those of you who draw dicks in bathroom stalls. Yeah, there you go. To those of you who draw dicks Um, in abandoned homes. Right. And also a lot of you draw large murals of women with their legs spread, which I saw a lot of that as a child. Don’t, don’t change anything. Yeah, keep doing that. But if you’re gonna draw a dick on a wall, on a stall, on a ball. Sheave it up. Make sure it has a foreskin. If we’re gonna change the cultural conversation around this. Put a, put a dangly balloon all the way around it. Yeah. This is about changing the perception. You know, this is a PR campaign. A penis rebranding campaign. PR. Ha ha ha ha ha. Yep. You know? There you go. And if, uh, I mean, and if you have the power of creating pamphlets, go for it. I think everyone has that power now. Most people. And if you can get your pamphlet in some sort of, uh, Uh, doctor’s waiting room, or if maybe we need a street team of people delivering like PR pamphlets, and you know what I mean, to, to, uh, PR to the ER. How about that penis rebranding in the emergency room, waiting room? Oh, okay. I’m just saying doctor’s office, PR ER kind of rolls off the tongue. People are not really open and susceptible to advertising at the ER. That’s not usually a pamphlet environment. Oh, this is more of a regular doctor’s like well visit primary care physician. Okay. All right. So, um, yeah, I think we answered your question. Yeah. I don’t remember what it was, but definitely sure we did. Definitely. Hey, Rhett. Hey, Link. It’s Aiden from Arkansas. Um, I just wanted to call and ask you guys a quick question. Recently, me and my girlfriend were telling each other stories about how, you know, we got caught doing certain things when we were kids, like sneaking out, you know, indulging in drinking and stuff like that. And I wanted to know, do y’all have any good stories about, like, getting caught with anything like that when y’all were younger and still lived in North Carolina? So, yeah. If you could have any stories, that’d be awesome. I’d love to listen. And, uh, love you guys. Bye. Getting caught sneaking out. Drinking. There wasn’t much sneaking out. Not really. I mean, there was only one time that I snuck out, and it was that time that we went to the beach with my, my dad’s side of the family. Oh, yeah. Cause we were like, we were down there in Myrtle Beach and we were hanging out and we met these girls and then we were like, let’s meet up later and go play putt putt. We played the putt putt. And, uh, me and this, me and the girl that I was kind of sidling up to, we hit it off and. You mean the pretty one? Well, I wasn’t going to say it, but, uh, Yeah, and the girl, uh, she was from Ohio. But the other girl, let’s call her Martha. Okay, I don’t, I can safely say I do not remember her name. Boy, I remember her face, though. Later that night when we had arranged to sneak out to meet up. Well, you had arranged. You didn’t. I made no arrangements. You didn’t, uh. I was not about to sneak out for that. Which, which made it a lot safer, it’s like, here I, I can’t believe that I snuck out alone, because you weren’t, I can’t believe I went through with it when you weren’t willing to go out, I mean I, I would have thought that I would have stayed, because I’m skittish. Yeah. I’m so skittish. I’m proud, I’m proud of you. I know, it’s like. Once in a, the only time I’ve ever done something, that’s like probably the riskiest, wrongest, like classic kids thing that I’ve done, is sneak out and uh, I’ll tell you for the longest time, I regretted that decision. But now I don’t. Oh, okay, good. And you shouldn’t. And I don’t. And I don’t. But for the longest time I did. Right. Because, um, I do not regret not sneaking out. Just so we’re clear. Poor girl. Uh, It was awkward when I showed up and it was just me and, uh, Oh, she was also there? Yeah, she was still there. Okay, did she go back inside? She went back inside. Okay. And we went out to the beach and just hung, you know, we just hung out. I’m trying to think of something that we haven’t talked about. I did not get caught for that. Right, you didn’t get caught. The classic example of us being caught is the administrative building, eighth grade, maybe summer before eighth grade. All I know is I was 14 because I did end up getting spanked for this. As a fort is my last spanking as a 14 year old. Six foot four boy, being spanked by my five foot nine father. Oh, and how did he, what was the configuration? Uh, configuration, me bending over. The back of the couch, right? That’s how I remember the story. I think it was either over the couch or over a bed or whatever. It was, you know, it would have been over the back of the couch. It was, uh, you know, it was always, it was very, it was very controlled. Um, well let’s talk about the events that led up to that. So, you know, we’re just boys eight hours earlier. We are on the Campbell University campus in Buies Creek, North Carolina. We’re trying to have some fun during the summer, the waning hours of the summer. It’s boring. And, uh, one of the things that we would do is we would wander around. So we do some exploring the campus and go into different buildings. And of course when you get into a building, one of the first things you, you think of if you’re really thinking is how do you get on top of this building? And there are ways, usually it’s the stairwell, you would take it to the top, and then there is like a little hatch. Yeah, there’s like a metal ladder and then a hatch in this case. And they had left it open. Well, a lot at that. I remember doing a like, is the coast clear? Like there was, you could see through the door that led into the, uh, the stairwell. It was like the fire escape, you know, well, it was only like three stories, two or three stories, but it was summer would use it. But I remember that there was a secretary that we could see at certain points. And I was like, okay. Go, go, go, go, go. And then you went up the, you went up the ladder and popped that thing open. And then we get to the top, and all of a sudden we’re like, holy [bleep], this roof is just covered in rocks. White rocks. White It’s a flat roof. White, round, pebble ish. Pebble ish rocks. Very throwable. But not too small, like about like that, like half the size of a golf ball. Yeah. And uh, it fit great in your hand and it just, when you got them in your hand, then you were like, you just felt like just rearing back and letting it go. And we did that. Yeah, just start throwing them off the, we were tossing, on the roof, onto the street. Now, ironically, right across the street, From the road was the church that we went to it’s like we can like see the church like we can see like the Physical manifestation of God’s judgment. It’s like we’re looking right there in our field of view looking at us But we were like, well, God, we’re not throwing it at cars, we’re throwing it like right before a car. Yeah. Or right after a car. Yeah, we’re not throwing it at windows. We weren’t trying to hit a car, we were like, let’s scare Or pedestrians. Let’s scare somebody a little bit. Let’s scare them with a little rock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, and maybe on the walking path. Yes. A little tinker on the walking path. As a summer school student is walking by. Let’s just, five feet in front of them, a little pebble. Oh, where did that come from? And then you kind of get down. Is it raining rocks again? Making people go crazy, that was what we were trying to do. Yeah, just wow, just create bedlam. There wasn’t, it wasn’t like we discussed it, I’m sure. We just did it. It was just like, you know, it’s just like now we don’t talk about that. It’s like if you walk about a pond, you start throwing rocks in the pond. Are there fish in there? Are you disturbing them? Is it something they would want? Probably not. But are you doing it mindlessly? Yeah, it’s not something they would choose. Yeah, I think that’s what we were doing. Just mine. Just mindless height entertainment, but no actual property damage except for maybe the lack of rocks on the roof. And so what was what was big man’s name? Who came up the path see uh Johnson Johnson, Mr. Johnson. Yeah real name. He was a big man Johnson He was he worked in the admin building. I think he came out. Yeah, he came out of the building Turned around and looked up at us looked up at us and we probably ducked But it seemed to be a little too late because I do remember him speaking to us Maybe saying our names? Yeah, saying get down. That’s what we got down. We got down and did we run into him? No, we got down and we thought we got away. We did get away. Yeah, we never had an interaction. We didn’t have a confrontation with anybody. Well, I did. When I got home and my dad said, You got something to tell me? Your dad knows Mr. Johnson. Well, my dad works in the law school. Not together. My dad worked in the law school which was next door to the administration building. You got something to tell me? And I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I’m sure it was No. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah. What else could it have been? Yeah, I was throwing rocks off the building. And it’s, I mean, why? And honestly, I thought we had done such a good job of covering our steps that when he said that, I wasn’t immediately in fear that he knew. Because he had to explain it to me, he’s like, well, mr. Johnson stopped by today and told me that he saw you and Link on top of his building. Throwing rocks. Just showering rocks down a little bit. Onto the street. Is that true? Yes. Yeah, that was probably the extent of the discussion. Yep. He’s like bending over the couch. And then there were, uh, you know, different time. I have a 16 year old, and when he was 14 I was not doing this to him. Different time, different generation. But it was a protocol. I’m 47 years old. It was a protocol that you understood. Good. Yep, and it was, it was metered and it was controlled, uh, and it was not done in anger, it was just a policy. Yeah. And, uh, I received it in grace. And it was less about the physical, I mean, well, I, you know, sure, it stung a little bit. It was much less about that and it was more about the humiliation of it. It was more about the, like, you shouldn’t be doing this kind of [bleep], boy. Ha ha ha ha ha. And you know that. You also got grounded. I guess. I don’t remember. You had to have because I got grounded and the only reason I got anything because I did not get a spanking from my mama was because my mama, you talked to your mama, but in your mama had talked to your daddy. So you got, I told your mom, he’s got watered down punishments from my family. So I got, yeah, I got, I got, I, and what was being grounded? I probably didn’t really, she probably said I was grounded. And then what, yeah, what were the consequences? I don’t think I, I don’t recall ever experiencing being grounded. Come to think of it, I don’t really know what grounding was for me either. Like, it wasn’t like we had anything we could do. Nintendo, or going out. Like, there were things you couldn’t, you weren’t allowed to do things. Like, for a week you weren’t allowed to. Couldn’t go to Cary to watch a movie at the Waverly Place. Well, we weren’t, we weren’t that old yet. So we couldn’t even do that anyway. Yeah, but we weren’t allowed to. Couldn’t go, couldn’t go over to Campbell and watch the student movie. Rich auditorium. Yeah. Um, uh, but the other thing that I, I would get caught for, and this is different, but when I heard the word caught, it made me think of this thing. And. I think I may have told you about this before, tell me if I’ve, if you know I did this, and this is when I was younger, like, early memories, like, I would get caught, my nanny’s house, especially, outside in the backyard, just, squatting down trying not to poop. What? Squatting down trying not to poop? Yeah, that’s what I did. I would squat down. I’d be like, Oh, I got that. I got to poop. But I, instead of doing, I would just drop down. I would drop down and just try not to poop. When you could just go inside and poop in the bathroom. I really didn’t want to do that. And I don’t remember exactly why. You didn’t want to poop in somebody else’s house? I, I certainly didn’t want to have a hangup about pooping at other people’s places. But like, Nanny’s house was like a second home. It’s like She probably had one of those soft toilet seats like all grandmas have? She didn’t have one of those that was like you sit on it and goes psshhh. Because it’s got, it’s got a It got a little hole in it at some point. You know, I gotta get one of those. Somebody sat down too hard and then it busted. I’m gonna be 50 in three years. I gotta get one of those. Yeah, you can get them in all types of colors. You can get it to match your wallpaper. You can get it to match your tile. You can get it to match your ass! I’m not gonna get a flesh colored one. Well, why not? My wife’s an interior designer. She doesn’t want a flesh colored toilet. Well, it’s just a seat and it is mushy. It’s like a, it’s like it’s made from human skin. That’s what you can tell people. Okay. My toilet seat is made from human skin. But the cadavers, they were already dead. They weren’t killed to make, we’re not killing people to make toilet seats. But yeah, I, I did not want to take a crap. Anyway, I never took a crap at school, you know, even when we were in like third grade by the time we went to the story of me not crapping all week at camp, like, I had this fixation with not crapping anywhere except at home, and it went all the way to my grandma’s house. It’s called anal retentive. It, yeah, exactly. So that’s the diagnosis. You’re retaining your anal. I never knew why I was doing it, but I was just compelled to do it, or not do it. And it was a bit embarrassing to like, and I, why did I squat? I guess so I could put the heel of my foot up my ass. I was about to say, it makes it worse if you squat, usually standing up against a tree or something. Sorry to say it. Like you want, yeah, you want to stand up straight and clench your cheeks, is what I would think. But you know, I’m young. I’m not consulting with anybody about this. You definitely didn’t ask me. What’s the best way to not know, to not poop? Now listen, I didn’t like to poop at school and rarely did. Pooping at school? Talk about not, that is no seat like that. It’s a, it was green and hard. It was green? I thought it was one of those black toilet seats with the white, the toilet was white but the seat was black. I think. In my mind, the toilet wasn’t like a mint green, but I think it was the stall, I think the stall and the floor was mint green, but it just all, I didn’t want to go in there. Yeah, the stalls were kind of green. I never went, like, And the tiles were brown. I was at Buies Creek Elementary School from 1st grade to 8th grade. Oh, I never pooped. Ever. I probably pooped five times total. And I’m just, this is a complete guess. I was a master at not pooping, man. Well, sometimes you just can’t help yourself. Nope. I could always shove my heel up my [bleep]. Oh, God. If I had to. Um, so I understand that. So here I am outside, behind, behind a tree at my nanny’s house. Squatting down trying not to poop and it’s embarrassing to get caught Link. What’d you do? What you doing? Just looking. I’m I’m inspecting this root system Your grandma used to chew up food for you and give it to you. That was Nana. That was the other one. Oh, okay. Yeah, Nanny wouldn’t do that. You would have pooped at her house though, right? Maybe I was a little more likely to poop at Nana’s house. Because I would stay there a lot longer. Yeah, I think I would. Yeah, I remember pooping at Nana’s house. But I really had a hang up about it. This sounds like a Conversation for you and your therapist. Which I guess you probably have already had. No! I’m not talking to my therapist about not pooping. Really? This seems like I just like Hold on. This is like fundamental childhood formation stuff. I’m not comfortable enough to talk about that with anybody except the open internet. You do talk to your therapist about this. I know, I mean, I haven’t brought that up specifically. Oh, well try it tonight, or whenever you have. It is tonight. Be like, you know what, today on the podcast that thousands of people listen to, I talked about the fact that my, um, that I didn’t, I wouldn’t poop as a kid. Let’s talk about that. I’m not gonna use a catchphrase from our other show. Well, I was actually just literally saying it. That’s the beauty of it. You find yourself saying it, it’s like marketing. You ever get caught whacking off? Uh, no. I don’t think. I think that my mom would have just acted like she didn’t see me. I remember, I do remember the one time that I had the victories. I was getting picked up by, um, I’ve told you this. I was getting picked up by Holly and Heather to go to a church thing. Ooh, yeah. Upperclassmen women picking me up. And I was just like, mom wasn’t at home and I was sitting on the couch in the living room. And my mom had this like basket of magazines by the by the, uh, couch. I remember the basket. In the you remember the basket? Yeah. In the basket was porn. Come to think of it. It was nothing but porn. Your couch had a little bit of a Sssssss, yeah, it did. Like, the couch in your house at the time of the basket was very vinyl ish. Yeah. It’s, it was navy with like a little pattern on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was made out of toilet, toilet seats. Yeah. We, yeah. You had a toilet seat couch. Right. Our toilet seats were made out of human flesh and our couches were made out of toilet seats. You had a, you had a couch that you could have masturbated on and cleaned up really easily. Yes. And, uh. Is that what it was for? I guess so, yeah. You never, you never took advantage of it. So I’m sitting on this couch and I’m grabbing. Not pornography. But the closest thing we, I believe the Victoria’s Secret magazine. It’s close enough, it’s at a certain age. She would get that. Why would she get that? Why would she just leave that? Because she was a woman who wanted nice brassieres. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you blame her? In the back of The Victoria’s Secret Magazine, the, the underwear got lacier, and skimpier, and strappier, and I’m getting back to that part of the magazine. That’s all it takes sometimes. And, uh, lo and behold, they show, they, they’re, time flies when you’re having fun, and then, um, but I wasn’t having all the fun yet. Okay. I was starting to have the fun. You knew that they were on their way. And then they showed up early, and then I’m like, Oh crap, oh crap, they’re here. And I’m like, uh, uh, uh. You know, and you’re like in this panic mode. So like, I run out the door and get in the car and realize. That I’ve left this Victoria’s Secret magazine just splayed out on the, on the couch. And she said, hold on a second. I left something in the house. I’m pretty sure I did this. And I went back inside and stashed it away, but that was a close call I’m sure you said I can only imagine like what kind of reason that you would come up with in the heat of the moment I had so much. I had a 14 year old. I had a lot of like I guess it’s shame as a kid like um I would sneak into my mom’s bathroom and take her tweezers And pluck my eyebrows like my unibrow once she told me that I couldn’t shave it I had to pluck it, but I was so embarrassed with my own mother I mean, like, the sweetest woman ever. It has nothing to do with her. It has everything to do with me. That I was like I was just embarrassed for her to know that I plucked my eyebrows, much less whack off on our couch. So, I’m, you know, I, I, I was very afraid of getting caught. I still, I still am, by the way. I did not. So maybe I should talk about this tonight. You’re still afraid of getting caught masturbating? No, just getting caught in, yeah, just getting caught in general. Like, for, for nothing. Like. I, I, I frequently have. And you haven’t talked about this with your neighbor. Oh yeah, I talk about this. Okay, okay. This shame guilt thing and like the inexplicable, like feeling guilty for nothing is, is a familiar feeling to me, but anyway. Well, it is a statistically, a statistical miracle that I was not caught masturbating. You never got caught? I mean, talk about dodging a bullet. You were probably smart about it. You’re a strategic thinker. You’re a forward thinker. Yeah, but I was so high volume. Okay. You know what I’m saying? What is this, sex temper? What’s happening to us? I don’t know. We’re just free, you know, freewheeling boys. Just being honest about it. Never once got caught. Never? I was smart about it. Here I am in the living room, of course I’m not smart about it. Yeah, I wouldn’t have done that. I’m sure I did not have the frequency you did. That’s probably true as well. By any means. Uh, yeah, never got caught. I mean, I’m sure there were, first of all, I mean, always lock the door. Always lock the door, right? I mean, I also had a brother. Oh, you know, I had a sibling older brother. Yeah, and we did not discuss any of this. You know, I’m saying it wasn’t this was the this was an 80s brotherhood situation. Yeah, this wasn’t like modern day brotherhood where you like talk about things. Yeah, this was 80s. You never talk about anything emotional. The dog never comes inside. There’s a lot of things that you got to understand about how we how we come when we come up right spankings. But I guess I was just pretty crafty because I definitely never there were stints when I got very guilty I mean, that’s I mean, I don’t trust me Yeah, it’s struggle with the guilt because I was also a very very committed Christian who thought that what I was doing was wrong the entire time. Yeah. I mean, is there anything that slowed me down a little bit? Did you ever get caught for anything else that you remember? Holding a poop behind a tree perhaps? Never, never. Come on, tell me about it. I was more likely to get caught pooping. Than not. Than not pooping. I don’t know. I, you know, I’ve said this. I’m not a criminal, but I would make a good one. Yeah, you’d make a good criminal. I think I could get away with stuff without getting caught. Yeah, yeah. Not me so much. Uh. But you could talk me into anything. Yeah. I’d be quite an agent. But I’m not a, I’m not a criminal, I don’t have a criminal mindset. That’s good. Maybe sometimes, maybe sometimes I wonder if it was a missed opportunity. Because I feel like Which is why we’re telling people to shoplift. Like, when I start thinking A little bit. Like, you start thinking about things like Just a little birdhouse. You watch so, so many movies about people trying to like engineer the perfect crime or like get away with something and then I’m just like, oh, oh, uh, like I’m watching them make mistakes. And I’m like, why did you, that was easy, easy to anticipate. Yeah. Anticipation is, is, is the thing that requires more effort for some than others. You’re not much of an anticipator. No, it takes a little more effort. That’s why it was hard for you to hit a baseball. Exactly. But you were great at getting hit by one , right? Yeah. Because that’s just a reaction, right? Okay. Total reaction. Okay. It’s all making sense now. Let’s hear one more. Hey Rhett and Link, it’s Deirdre, huge fan. I have a really important question for you. Okay, so this is a question one of my friends posed to me. Would you rather give up sex, or give up the sun? So, sex includes anything past, like, a peck, I’m guessing. And the sun means, it’s not always night, it can be day, but you never truly see the sun it’s never sunny. It’s like always cloudy and dark for me I would give up the sun and keep sex, but a lot of people have said the other thing so let me know what you guys think. Bye. It was all leading to this question today. I know here we are backing into sex or sun. Maybe we’re just about to talk about the Sun and how great it is a whole lot the sun is great. And maybe that’s what we’re about to do. The sun gives you vitamin D, but there’s other ways to get that D. Oh yeah. Uh, it’s a mood booster. You know, visited Vancouver and I was like, is it like this all the time? Because it’s a bit dreary. Pacific Northwest, not really for me either. You know, it’s kind of. But when the sun comes out, it’s beautiful up there. And people appreciate it, but it’s like two months out of the year or something. So it does have a psychological impact, but, um, so, so does not the hanky panky happening, you know, I I’m, I’m, I’m choosing sex. I’m going, I’m. I’m adopting the life of the vampire, you know, uh, I can still get in a tanning booth, right? Yeah, that’s what I was going to say. The technology, what I’m going to do is I’m going to get in like a simulation, the simulation of the sun at this point, you’ve got red light therapy, you’ve got all kinds of things where you can like, but the simulation for sex though, is, is, uh, that’s for crossing the line. You can’t do that. Yeah, that’s true. Because if you’re going to masturbate, as we’ve already talked about, well, that’s sex. Oh. Yeah. Right? Or, well, that wasn’t specified. Self, self sex. It’s not good enough, I’ll tell you that. It’s not good enough. Uh, well, I definitely agree with that. So we’re, so one of us needs to choose a son and it needs to be you. Well, here’s the thing. I don’t, I don’t like to think about this, but it just seems inevitable. When you get to be a certain age, and trust me, I am not at that age, but when you get to be a certain age, people stop caring about sex. It’s just, now, there are some people who are like, you know, if you watch National Geographic or TLC or whatever, maybe every once in a while there’ll be like a 95 year old couple that’s getting it on every once in a while. On National Geographic? I don’t know, I’m just assuming. I don’t watch cable. Is there like a old people show that they treat like wildlife? All of the channels became other things, okay? For all I know, National Geographic has got Old people having sex? I don’t know. Sure it does. TLC, you know what it stands for? The Learning Channel. Yeah, well, everything’s information. And think about what it became. I can’t actually say what it became. Exactly. So I’m just saying the labels don’t matter. What does HGTV stand for? Home and Garden. Well, okay. And I think they’ve stuck pretty true to that. They don’t have any old people having sex on that channel. Unless it’s in a garden or at home, um, but I think that most people just inevitably, even if they try real hard to hold on, they get to a place where if you were to ask like a 79 year old, this question, right? Let’s just say that person is like. Entering into the no sex time in their life. Yeah. Uh, and they’re like, sex or son, they’d be like, what the hell, son? Right. You know what I’m saying? Like, I’m, I am hoping that’s, you mean, you mean the, the, the sex that I have every four months. Yeah. I can give that up. Right. But at this point in my life, I’m giving up the sun without doubt. Are you okay? If, if you were to know that Mike. Okay. 79. You’re kind of not sexually active anymore Well, here’s the thing when you think about you’ve picked a good number there. It’s kind of when you think about yourself, this is this is the thing. Let’s talk. Let’s get deep. Let’s talk about death for a moment because a lot of people are like man when I start thinking about maybe not existing like if you don’t believe in an afterlife I don’t know what happens after life and I don’t think anybody does If it’s something else, great. If it’s nothing else, there’s no me present to have a problem with it, right? I’ve said this before, other people have said it. I didn’t care before I was born that I didn’t exist, and I doubt I will care after I’m dead that I don’t exist. There’s only the me in the present that can Project a care onto the future dead me and be like have some existential dread about not existing But once you’re like, but there will be no me to have any existential dread It just kind of dissipates and so the idea of me being a 79 year old man And no longer having sex to the 47 year old me that really likes to have sex and likes to have it pretty often that seems like a travesty. But what if the 79 year old me is like I’m into other things, like making birdhouses. Mm hmm. Don’t put it down your pants. And I’m not doing anything with it, sexually. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Uh, again, it’s just, you know? Right, so, what you’re saying is that my question, you have to, you have to put yourself in that age’s mind frame. And who are we to say what our 79 year old selves are really gonna Be predisposed to and against I I assume or capable again. I don’t know I assume that if you stay healthy if you stay active You can have an active sex life as an 80 year old. Yeah technological advances, but there there comes A time in which there’s not a time to come. There comes a time in which there’s not a time to come. That was so wonderful, and I’ve stopped you twice. I’m just gonna let you say it twice without me saying anything. I’ll just say it once. Say it. There comes a time in which there’s not a time to come. And that’s different for everybody. But when that time comes, and there’s not a time to come for you, you probably won’t care. Because other things have come into your life that you spend your time on. That’s our hope for you today, Ear Biscuiteer. Yeah. That when the time comes, when you don’t have come time. Not exactly what I said, but still great. Still great. That something comes into your time that makes you keep coming. Showing up. Yeah. In that sense. Yeah. I wish that for you. That’s beautiful. Wish that for me. That’s beautiful. Yeah. This has been fun. Sometimes you gotta know when to end it. You know? It’s that right now? Yep. But you know what? I am going to make a little reminder for those of you who stuck around. Oh, this is special. The Mythical Kitchen. They’re doing their first ever livestream event. You know, we’ve done Good Mythical Evening a few times. Mm hmm. Uh, but now, they have their own livestream event. It’s called Survive the Mythical Kitchen. We got Nicole, Trevor, Vee, and Lily. Very fun format. Cooking and fighting their way through. Essentially a gauntlet of challenges that Josh is laying out for them. And there is a price and two of your boys, um, may show up. Now this is all going down live on Thursday, April 3rd. Yes. And tickets are available now at mythicalkitchenlive.com Check it out. It’s going to be fun. Can be real fun. Alright, thanks for your calls. Always ready to get your voicemail at 1 888 EARPOD1. We’ll talk at you next week. Hi! Hi, I’m Camille. I’m from Texas. I’m 26 years old. Had to get health insurance this year. What a crazy time. Anyways, I love you guys. I don’t know what stopped me from watching Ear Biscuits all these years, but I’m so glad I’m going down the rabbit hole right now and watching all of them. Right now I’m watching Weirdest Things We’ve Been Recognized For, um, most, one of the recent ones, as of February 16th, 2025. Um, but I love you guys. I love your dogs. Um, you should bring more of them. You should get more of them, honestly. Um, but yeah, love you guys. Bye!