[Music] welcome to ear biscuits I’m red and I’m link joining us today at the roundtable of dim lighting is us that’s right it’s another red leaked only ear biscuit y’all okay well I’m excited I’m excited about this one not just because we get to make another red link only your biscuit link I always enjoy this we don’t have to accommodate anybody else’s schedule and get anybody water and we just get to talk to each other cuz getting people water is so awful I’m joking I enjoy talking to other people but you know every once in a while we needed we need to root the long breeze refresh our friendship with each other this is about does this refresh our friendship yeah I think so I think it will today but are you wearing deodorant actually I did smell myself a little earlier and it wasn’t good I’m just honestly saying but you’re on the opposite end of the table I didn’t feel great about it I was like you know when you have those moments when you smell yourself and you’re like if someone else were to smell this would they know that it wasn’t human well it was me human yeah speaking of odd smells from humans we’re gonna be talking all about Walmart yesterday Walmart you got to understand what kind of special place Walmart holds in the hearts of anyone who’s from the southern United States of America because I’m not exaggerating that I would venture to say that more than 50% of people in the South spend more than 50% of their income at Walmart did you think that’s an exaggeration well I know for me when it was true of me I lived in North Carolina that was true of me cuz you got cuz you went to the Super Walmart you got all your we got all our groceries there there was no I mean when it’s the time that I was in Fuquay Varina there was a Harris Teeter that had expensive groceries or what we thought and you had Walmart that had the cheap stuff and you could get pretty much whatever you wanted their target didn’t have groceries okay any time you needed any kind of tool or anything it’s like and you’re already in Super Walmart right but now living in LA there’s no access to once there’s one way way way way away from my house and I went there one time and it was Shady it was a shady experience it was nothing like the experience back in fuqua so there’s gonna be a reminiscing aspect to this episode which is Walmart themed but Morris typically just like our recent red link only ear biscuits which have been like extended GMM styles we talked about strange science experiments strange rites of passage you can go back listen to that if you want to either one of those but this one hits a little closer to home because it’s weird things that have happened documented things that are weird that have happened within a Walmart and you gotta understand we’re gonna be talking about some things that have happened to us personally at a Walmart I’ve got some more stories and some things that happened to persons who are not us because Walmart has had so many people go in and out of its doors it’s automatically opening doors that some of those people think that can has our thing anything that can happen has probably happened in a Walmart and then been documented on the internet for us to do research on right so that’s what it to you that’s what you got in store for you in this Walmart bizarre happening ear biscuit but first we wanted to remind you all about our song biscuits volume one album featuring 15 of the songs that we wrote collaborated with a lot of our friends from the internet to create some songs based on suggestions from the internet you saw him on good mythical morning they were every Saturday for 15 weeks and now you can get it on iTunes and Amazon exactly music yes Amazon the way you can get the music featuring songs that’s on Amazon it is light it’s also on iTunes which I already said featured songs like the five nights at Freddy’s song featuring markiplier the 10-second rule song featuring nicepeter and one of our personal favorites the first comet song featuring us scream and a new video pops up in your feed you know exactly what this means open it up but don’t watch it scroll down really quick can’t comment you tie first you’re the first to comment on this video now everybody knows that’s the word you chose you type first I don’t know if that’s our personal favorite but one of our personal favorites because it’s just us I mean that sounded a little selfish but it’s just one that turned out really nice yeah I mean there’s 15 so get them all you know buy the album’s it’s a special price guys $8.99 I mean where else can you do that link where else can you do that or do that have you found a place you can do that probably other albums on iTunes and Amazon but great great they’re not ours great way to you know give some good music in your library and show your mythicality thanks for checking it out now let’s continue this biscuit let’s enter the Walmart you we parked a car we had to park kind of far away but we’re walking big old space well what it was a big space could have fitted like a dually in there yeah it’s like you can you be parked in the space and you can open your doors all the way now the reason why we’re starting all the way back here is because this is like the first thing that we don’t have in LA is spaces where you can like open your car door all the way my kids usually get out of a minivan I’m just gonna be real with you yeah and the way a mini van door opens in the back it just opens a little and then slides and then the kids just get out but when I think the kid works well when I take the kids in the car with me they get out of the backseat anywhere we park and it’s like I got to get out first in like spot the doors because they just fling them open and you can’t fling a car door open in lausanne you can because there are no spaces you can no spaces that are big enough to park a normal sized vehicle in next to and with the doors less people I mean if you have like a doorless car with kids in it shame on you first of all but second of all you got to stand there if they got doors and you got to like you got to spot it before it even gets to the first notch well we’re really getting into this whole parking space thing yeah we’re not even in the Walmart along but okay but here here’s the deal not only there’s just it was such a part of our experience growing up and after we grew up that one of the first songs that we have a wrote that was a comedy song was the Walmart song and it was all about just a trip to Walmart and we you know we performed it live before we ever made a video for and we actually never made a music video for the Walmart saw the Facebook song was written after the Walmart so Walmart song was one of the very very first songs that had you playing the harmonica in it and it was all about a trip to Walmart but we should play I don’t I’m not gonna say we’re gonna play the whole song for him I’ll let Kevin decide how much of this song he’s willing to share with you guys but here’s at least a clip of it [Music] [Music] Gatorade don’t play your hey if pharmaceuticals gotta get beautiful I’ll pick up a little tool for pushing back my cuticles I’m doing the phone to continue to press song to little section to try some s all the suggestions coming from the loudspeakers end of the sale on them fell crow sneakers [Music] so as you can see we got a lot of mileage out of all the things that could happen in a Walmart that you could put into a song and I also wonder if you can hear like how differently we sound and I just been so long ago that was like 2005 when we probably recorded that song maybe 2000 maybe earlier than that maybe maybe 2003 no you’re – you’re still no when we record it when we wrote that song recorded that version of it it was 2002 2003 and I don’t you know and now hold on it’s on just mail us the Grammy is it don’t just mails the Grammy I believe the date I’ll just mail us the Grammy might be 2001 I don’t know it’s it’s old okay oh don’t worry is on it so that’s weird it’s a backhanded apology but let’s get into some weird Walmart stories that don’t involve us just like playing our own music or talking about car doors opening okay we’re gonna start with one that does not involve us personally and then we’ll come back to the personal ones okay okay this one happens in Virginia just north of North Carolina April 2011 18 year-old man Jonathan Payton waltzes in to a Walmart but not in a normal way okay he comes in on all fours okay wearing a cow suit oh well that makes sense then I mean if you’re mmm if you’re if you’re moonlighting as a cow then you got to come in on all fours you know you that’s like in the manual of like the cow suit you guess you tell me link what section of the store did the cow command go to what do you think you went what do you think you want to go the cow dating section cuz Walmart’s have everything no he went to the dairy section link the cow Jonathan goes on all fours to the dairy section I don’t know exactly how he did this but he gets 26 gallons of milk 26 gallons of milk now I don’t know if there was a cart involved but it made it seem like you I don’t know how you push a cart a while on all fours like it would your head okay maybe that’s what he did he’s lodged his head underneath there it was like a bull oh yes yes after loading 26 gallons of milk into a cart so he was on all fours got the cart I guess he’s pushing it with his head he took pigs I guess how many hey you tell me where’s many gallons of milk can you fit into a shopping cart uh approximately 26 yeah yeah 26 you might have you might have used the bottom part maybe the bottom cart yeah that’s a lot of milk yeah I’d say that’s it’s $92 worth it that’s what you were oh yeah that’s here in the store I was gonna do some milk math that’s $92 worth at the time and okay yeah so he’s looking for like a discount right he’s like Oh cute oh yeah yeah the cows loading up ma no no he he bypasses the checkout line goes straight out the door of course because he’s inconspicuous right what he just walks right out the new arms right out the door but then you might wonder oh okay so this on all fours pushing 26 gallons of milk just can walk right out of a Walmart you might think okay well okay I get it he’s he’s he works here he’s no he’s a thief and he’s stealing it no no that wasn’t you know what was really happening I mean technically yes he did steal it but he when he got into the parking lot what did he proceeded to do he proceeded to hand out the gallons of milk to customers in the parking lot like a free giveaway yeah like people walking into Walmart hey they gotta go as a cow here today all the cows the cow giving free milk at the Walmart it’s it’s interesting if the customers walking in then it was then they would be liable to have to pay for it when they left which is a funny thing you know I get maybe it was giving it to exiting customers but I would I would assume does it as a customer I get there they’re trying to you know to hawk all kind of where is outside of the Walmart right home it’s like a sample station oh look it’s a sample station but the sample is a whole gallon what was his motive I you know what link I don’t know if motives and Jonathan Payton go together yeah maybe what was missing you know what was missing that didn’t construct him I could have been Adair I don’t know but this is what happened you know the reason we know that it was Jonathan Payton is because he was caught and the reason he was caught is because he wore the the cow costume that leaves your face open you can still tell that it’s Jonathan okay you can see Jonathan on the security camera he was very easily identifiable by police that’s Jonathan he was spotted out of costume guess we’re at a nearby McDonald’s and so he he went to the number one place most people spend their money and and then he went to the number two place that people spend their money he was found in me-dasu so he wasn’t still in the cow costume like giving out burgers out front because that would have also paid said well you know he was out of the cow costume and the cow costume was still in his car and he was canned all the milk he was given a summon and when he had given away the milk I guess they let those people take it he was given a summons and then released from the scene and I assume later he went to court who knows what in court I mean I don’t mean quar tea I mean cor tea it’s just you know I would love to meet this guy well I guess probably be arranged Virginia he was 18 in 2011 you know just as simple why yeah he’s right which let’s have him on the show let’s put that money or biscuit what were you thinking Jonathan Jonathan oh no you’re listening give us a call I got another one March 2009 a Walmart in Massachusetts specifically foul-mouth Massachusetts this is the top is that you say that fal mouth foul mouth I like foul mouth fine you got a foul mouth bullemma wash it out with soap once I go into Walmart and get you get some or get a 24 pack of zest what you mail that what so strong so the Cape Cod Times brought this story to me I can really sink my teeth into it that’s a pun once you go with me a little bit a dude who we don’t have his name was shopping for a new wallet at the foul-mouth Massachusetts Walmer I’m gonna go with Falmouth Palmas and just before purchasing the wallet well you know what did he do he uh you know he opened check this thing out he opened up the billfold he’s like unzipping compartments I wrote it so it’s got a zipper compartment on it that’s really that’s high-end for Walmart I’m just gonna give me I’m gonna give me some thought to buying this one and lo and behold in one of the containers within said billfold he finds ten human teeth ten not one not two not three not four not five not six not seven nine eight not nine ten human teeth one of which had a filling Oh score yeah yeah was it a gold filling because I take that out pocket it and I don’t think they do the gold do you think I I do not have that information with the Cape Cod Times um please said the man was shopping at the wall around around 10 p.m. when he unzipped one of the compartments and discovered 10 human teeth one with a filling that’s a good time to be a Walmart yeah you know like a 10:00 p.m. wallet shop that’s I just you know you go in there last time I went home to North Carolina I went into the Walmart about I’m not kidding about 10:00 p.m. in it’s the end of a decent evening no one was there I was just like what how does this happen really nobody I’ve never been in a Walmart with nobody like there was like six people in the whole place well you did you go to the wallet section no I didn’t well that’s where they all were but I mean it’s just there’s nobody there and can I can i for a minute just talk about wal wallet shopping in general yeah I would love for you to do um I always have had a problem with wallet shopping life imitating I have needed a wallet for a while yeah I’ve only had like three wallets in my entire life I’m not exaggerating because how long you been on this one every this one at least eight years let me see it it’s it it’s it’s actually the insert that goes inside of a wallet it has no flap and I had a I bought a wallet and this was the insert that holds your cards and that’s all I keep but anyway you got you know you said I need to get a wallet or like my mom and my wife will say you need a new one new wallet I’m gonna get you out don’t get me a wallet and then I go and I look at wallets and then it’s like why would I pay money to buy something to put money it just doesn’t seem right to protect it say why spin spend money to buy something to hold money and then I don’t have money to be held in the thing that I just bought well you get more money it’s like it defeats the purpose it’s like man it’s instant regret I just spent do I need to say it again I just spent them I mean the largest thing the logic doesn’t is not sound of me but you know if it works for you but if there were ten teeth in and one of them had a feeling I would be like yes that this is now worth at least have a story right someone’s gonna talk about five years later the wallet still had tags on it the guy is not like someone put them wallet in there and it was used this is a Brent someone walked in there and put teeth it and put teeth in it you think you know what they perform DNA test oh yeah I’m sorry there was no blood or gum tissue on the teeth right so they could not get a DNA sample so that’s that is a piece of evidence it was a tooth fairy what maybe one person who walks around with just random teeth and then that exists that that might because the tooth fairy’s not on my lip might be in the Walmart two to three is in the Walmart and he’s like oh crap he she’s she I’m well the tooth fairy could be a man there’s many of them there were that this ones man okay and he’s in the Walmart and I played the tooth fairy at one point true you know in a video I’m a man oh I thought you meant in real life and he’s he’s you know he sees somebody somebody spying him looking you know I think I spotted the two-threes I gotta unload these teeth nearest place is this wallet I’m checking out right now well put him in there well before I knew it there was no blood or gum tissue the first thing I pictured was some dude shopping for a wallet who just decides to pull out ten of his teeth is that my yeah I got to get I got to do some dental work right here go on one yeah got nine more to go buddy yeah yeah I’m going all away actually that’s esteem my father-in-law is a dentist you know and he had a guy show up at his house one night and a guy had pulled all of his own teeth but he got he got he said doctor doctor Lane I’ve been pulling he taught us rajesh dr. Lane I’ve been pulling all my teeth all night and I got to my teeth and I can’t get him and if you’re from the South you know that I teeth means canines this point he went appointee one so he got to it I tied here cookin got running the indictment hangovers you know you can get my own pink hair and so he took him to his office he pulled his eye teeth out maybe that guy as if devoting a whole hour to talking about Walmart wasn’t enough you just did a spot-on impression of people who actually exist that if you’ve never been in the South you wouldn’t believe that people actually oh yeah even if they haven’t just pulled out all of their teeth why why was he pulling on it because he knew they were bad but I bet this this is probably your insight I don’t you going back on my theory I don’t think it was a tooth fairy it was that it was a guy performing oral surgery on himself in Walmart he’s like man I got a doctor in here there’s no gonna trust in here I might as well just do T surgery almost you and was he hoping it wasn’t employee he was hoping to get like workers comp or something I did their surgery and the dadgum Walmart I was on homie but but with no blood or gum tissue I keep having to tell you they must have been in there for like month this is somebody’s saving teeth I think it was a kid who had some teeth no I’m gonna put them in no it was a guy who did it but then he put it in the wallet in every back and no one found no one looked through that wallet for like six months until it all dried out was or what it was a wallet and nobody wanted a Walmart spokeswoman Ashley Hardy is quoted as stations like somebody I would have dated in high school we are not aware of anything like this happening in the past and we believe this to be an isolated incident I love the fact that the Walmart spokeswoman was trying to head off the conclusion that everyone was coming to about Walmart like stuffing teeth in wall everywhere all Walmart wallets have been compromised I am never going to get because you know what happens there people go in there they pull out ten of their teeth and then they throw it in the wallets well boycott Walmart I’ll tell you speaking of girlfriends in Walmart that is one of my stories I might as well go ahead and tell it lay it on me I’ve told you you know this story I heard it the next day because uh yeah I mean this one happened in the past like six or seven years this was my second girlfriend because it hinges on the fact that if you if you go to Walmart you’re gonna run into somebody you’re gonna run into somebody you gotta read to the people that live in that town because everybody goes you know it you know it you go in there and you you got it you got to get you makeup right you gotta get your hair right-oh you can’t be wearing like those sweatpants that you don’t you know you got it like oh I gotta get some Jolly Ranchers and then yes I got to put on britches your whole town reputation keep I can’t keep my holy shorts on hinges on what you look like in the Walmart I gotta put on underwear under these pants and when I put on underwear I might as well put on good britches and then you got it along yeah I had a good good britches on and this is my second girlfriend first kiss also your second girlfriend first kiss bingo yeah amber and you know we dated in middle school and we dated again in high school but we did not speak not we weren’t on bad terms it’s just really kind of lost touch didn’t speak during college and then there were you know there’s a number of years I you know I get married all the children and I will say there were a number of high school friends within that close-knit group that we did keep in touch with we talked about on sorted food yeah a little bit that we kept in touch with for many years we didn’t really but she wasn’t wanted no she wasn’t she kind of went off and did her own thing a little bit you know and which made it a little mysterious right yeah and I honestly I hadn’t done any I don’t even know well on Facebook at the time I surely I was but but I wasn’t I didn’t stalk her on Facebook or anything I had kept up with her at all but you know when you date somebody in that formative period in your life do you never forget them right your first kiss your first like real relationship and it was a middle school and it was in high school there’s always this this this you never forget that sentimental mystique and so it was crazy because you know I’m like a 25 year old dude maybe older than that you know you know you’re man you’re married I’m married you have a child and I’m pushing a cart through the Walmart and I’m and I’m going down I’m doing one of those things where I’m going down the I’m going along the aisles looking down the aisles to get to the aisle that I want to be in mmm and so I’m looking down the aisle and I’m go but one I’ll go about two hours go by three aisles and I look all the way down and I see that she amber is on the opposite aisle doing the same thing that I’m doing going the opposite direction but we lock eyes for real we’d lock eyes and you immediately knew it with her after she immediately knew was me I mean you’re you’re you’re tall and immediately yeah and hair standing up on your head I’m mistaken and we lock eyes how did you know it was her she hadn’t changed she hadn’t changed much no she did not and we lock eyes and like two strangers passing in the night I keep going she keeps going you didn’t stop the car didn’t start the car she didn’t stop the cart but the eyes lie for a second I mean you know what I mean like hip-hop may have slowed down the car I all I know is there was a weird guy lock and there was a moment in which each one of us could have just been like hey we used to date but we don’t have to talk about that we can just say hi cuz we both have we’re both married and have kids and doesn’t have to be weird yeah yeah but no sure and then I mean I was like oh crap and then now once that happens the Walmarts a big place but you’re like she was going this way I was going this way I mean sooner or later we’re gonna run into each other again we’re gonna born unto each other at the checkout line what should I do so I just kind of went back to like the meat section for a while what I just kind of held I kind of just laid low for you were treated to the walk it’s been a lot of time in the meat section just perusing dude mm-hmm but could but but you could have played it like it was her who didn’t stop and then but you didn’t want to chase her right hey I felt like after that initial look it was I’d blown it it was but showed it so did she yeah I don’t know something why’s it got to be all on you I don’t know it was like do or down to Walmart and that was the man I should have been reflective I should have been the one but I didn’t and here we are we still have not spoken but what since that that’s the last time you like ten years ago and it’s not like what if you had to do it again what would you have done I mean it’s not I would have just gone up and said hello it wasn’t weird I mean we dated in high school right but I made it weird you made it she also made it we met together yeah he was like old times yeah yeah you know easily one of it it was like that awkward first kiss you’re like it was like we just broke on left am I going right well I’m going right and you’re gonna leave was like we just broken up last week you know it was like that level of like sorry dude but I’m just gonna say that I think that that’s telling like telling what I don’t know it’s there’s there’s revealing there’s something there that’s I mean that’s what everybody who’s listening is thinking right now well this has been 10 years ago link another 10 years if I saw her in Walmart now without a doubt I would I would go talk to her yeah no big deal I bet if you just go back to that Walmart she’ll be there within three days yeah she just hang out there he still lives in the area yeah just go there for three days and she oh I hang out in the meat section she’d probably show up there too right right why would hang out at the entrance matter of fact just get a job as the greeter yeah just greet can I be a volunteer greeter for threads a gratis x-ray Oh from me you might be walking in here it’s like it’s like it’s like the like the real-life version of classmates.com which by the way I’ve got a resurgence of emails from those people yesterday whoa you need to change your sizes I know this this podcast is getting really loose and going off the rails but it’s all still happening in Walmart can I talk about classmates.com okay it’s subscribed again like I own just subscribe like five years ago yeah they keep coming back they keep getting it they they do not heed a nun subscription how did I even get on classmates comm you know why cuz you told me that story about amber six years ago and I was like well I’m gonna get on classmates comm I bet I can drum up some people that way okay well you know let’s move on to a woman go to class be calm slash rhettandlink you get $100 off your nothin we’re not having anything to do with them that let’s uh let’s move on to Kingsport Tennessee there’s a Walmart there this is October 8th 2013 I remember it like it was yesterday what day of the week was that do you know do you have that that was a Thursday there are people who have that ability there’s a dude that got hit in the head with like a baseball bat with a calendar been hit in the head with a baseball bat and now if you say October 8 2013 he’s like Thursday you know you could say you could even say like October 7th 1887 he’d be like Friday I bet he doesn’t tell anybody this story because it would promote getting hit in the head with a baseball right well this this is a woman an older lady who when is that a nice way to say an old lady an old lady okay goes into the Walmart she’s riding around on a motorized scooter you know one of those a motorized scooter mm-hmm and he’s killing it in there she somehow gets a large flat-screen TV onto the scooter and then scoots for right on out the front door and steals it Kingsport police information officer she scoots of a flat-screen television out the front of the Walmart what’s she wearing a calcine right no she has no Cal suit hazard was reported but Kingsport police information officer yes there is an information officer his name is Tom Paton he does not carry a gun he just carries knowledge he said weapon is knowledge he said she was pulling it behind her motorized scooter in her shopping buggy right out the front door oh she was towing it yeah it was towing a heart yeah now that I know the specifics it wasn’t like power lifting at a flat-screen but he says he suspected that somebody had helped her get the flatscreen into the buggy because I mean he is some woman on a motorized scooter can’t lift that car and can you also bungee cord it yeah right exactly and that patent also said I guess she was taking advantage of the fact that she was older riding a scooter and probably looked a little more innocent don’t miracle shoplifter to help her commit her crime the information officer gone ageist on this making it about being an old man he’s probably right well and here’s this kicker link she was never caught she was caught on surveillance footage fast that’s good nobody recognized her and so like a hyperspeed on it was 2013 this woman’s watching this television right now no she’s not she’s still scooting no I believe she settled at home yeah Wow she’s probably done this many times she’s like listen I got this little thing I do they never get me so you like walk in her living room and there’s like four flat screens she looks like a security booth officer I think she steals other things not just TVs I’m saying I wonder if she kept the car too well that’s the thing about the cart because it seems like it was one of the carts that you can go and get in if you need it and the thing I’ve noticed is that you know you’ve got people who have a just who use that you got people who are older and need help walking around when I’m using my pelvis you used one in the grocery store and that was legitimate I remember you using the scooter in the in the grocery store I remember because I remember walking in we were like going in there wasn’t a Ralph’s they didn’t have those back home it was uh what was that cheap grocery store like IgA know like Wiggly near the Food Lion Food Lion I’m good I can make my cake keep going that’s it walk in the food line I’m on crutches because I broke my pelvis and I’m about to just follow you around the Food Lion and then I look over to my right listen I can legitimately use one without feeling guilty without feeling good I’m like a lot of the teeny I see the teenagers those teenagers go into the into the stores like teeny and they get on those carts and they and and they’re just doing it for fun lateen to these days keep the buttocks out we’ll just do the automatic cart really have you seen it I’ve seen it multiple times and I’ve thought about saying something about it but I was like I’m not that old yet I got to have like a half a head of gray hair before I can start yelling it that’s for using motorized scooters in a Walmart so what do you do you’re you’re like hopper Ross my arms and grunt really hey I don’t like to see people take advantage of the system in you you were a different story you had a broken pelvis it’s another story that was told once on the Internet I would totally confront wayward teens using scooter devices in a in a public purchasing environment I did once though steal something from a Walmart maybe I should tell that story I have told this story because the elderly woman’s story’s over she got away she got away and I got away I’m sitting right here no one ever charged me for this why did you bad don’t believe you know you be the judge I’ve told this story I don’t know somewhere before good mythical morning something like in a confession booth you’re not Catholic I stole a battery or like a pack of batteries but here’s the weird part I put I took another pack of batteries in and put them in the Walmart and and stole some out of the Walmart what kind of exchange yeah but I didn’t a roguish okay so you’re saying it wasn’t stealing are you but okay so give me context you bought you legitimately bought batteries from the Walmart I’m saying I went to the Walmart I got one of a one of a lot of different things you know like what you do when you go to the Super Walmart and one of the things I got was batteries I get home I realized I got the wrong size like see instead of D but it wasn’t yeah it wasn’t like a triple a double a mix-up because that means that’s just extra batteries it was definitely like a C or D mix-ups I don’t need these I needed this you know no battery you won’t eventually need it was a weird situation in which it was some kind of specialty battery that’s all I’m gonna say I can’t remember the specifics okay but then I’m like okay well I was taking my daily trip to Walmart because I literally went almost once a day I’m sure and I was like I got these batteries I need to exchange them I’m gonna go buy you’re talking to a Walmart employee right now I’m talking to my I’m setting the story okay I had batteries and I wanted to exchange them and no intention of stealing I put them in my pocket to take into the Walmart with your receipt maybe maybe not they don’t they don’t require situm requires who cares I go in there I’m doing some shopping and I’m like you know I got these batteries I’m here I am in the battery section I need these other batteries they’re the same price they’re the same price yep so I take how do you know you don’t have to receive I remembered the records they’re next to each other still there the other ones still there okay I pulled the batteries out of my pocket I put them all back I look left and right did you look you look left and right before pulling around you probably like left right and left again like cars on the street I mean every left if you look left right and you’re yeah it’s a clear sight that you’re doing something wrong if you look left right and left again then you’re guilty I mean I did look left right and left again that’s the fact that you feel guilty that doesn’t mean you are guilty I took him out of my pocket I put them on the rack and the other was backing my brother pocket pocket I’m sold the same pocket DMC pocket and I kept shopping and I did it and I just I don’t know why it’s so stupid did you think a diversion first because the you thinking because I’m gonna throw a like i’ma throw some batteries down here where everyone’s gonna look and then while they’re looking I’m gonna walk about it just wasn’t worth it if you think about it it’s so easy to exchange things at a Walmart but I was like I want to deal with that you know about how embarrassing it would have been to be caught for shoplifting like and I was still I was a father at this time yeah you and you know what you the cops would have come up they would have listed officer it’s not really stealing I was exchanging and it’s the same price and as you’re pleading your case as they’re you’re handcuffed and they’re walking you out of the Walmart you look down the aisle and there at the end frozen in a stair his amber yeah she saw the whole thing watch the whole thing she’d been there waiting for you right oh gosh yeah you know it’s it’s funny you didn’t think about anything except the fact that who cares I just need to get a you know me man I a steal I don’t I just I don’t take a lot of risks and I know I got it I’m really surprised i this is totally a link moon that’s like I’ve got another stupid thing I do I’ll tell you later I’ve done a couple of stupid things when I’ve been in a Walmart but it reminds me here’s a lot more makes me stupid here’s the thing that that’s what I’m learning put that on a teacher and then let them sell it in a Walmart oh they do that’s irony and that can be on the tag that’s already it made me think here’s the thing I’ve done I’ve never done something as stupid as as a rogue exchange but the thing that I’ve done every Christmas was you open gifts kids are like I already have this like grandma also got me this yeah well where’s the gift receipt we’ll just take it to Walmart where’d you get it doesn’t matter we’ll just take it back to Walmart all right you said this oh yeah oh my goodness link so there’s it but you’re the worst kind they don’t require receipts and if they carry it you just you just return it there but but it’s okay because they I have some sort of accounting with the manufacturer of the Oh that’s what you think question mark that’s what I’ve been telling myself I mean if they’ll take it they got maybe they resell it do they resell it Walmart holds the inventory but they don’t they don’t they don’t carry the cost of the inventory that’s why they’re so rich it’s something to do with that so my rationale extends to their business model that if I return some Fisher Price and not on my learner’s you know in order to get a Nene Nandini’s then they’re not or not on ours they just they just say hey some jerk returned this and you we got to do some accounting here this is this is your mix-up this is your product it’s now back on ourselves huh trying to cut trying to I don’t know at all I’m just saying is that ethical well who’s wrong let’s let’s break this down you’ve got the first store that you let’s say you bought it from a target okay so you buy let’s say grandma bought it from a target grandma buys a widget from a target yeah and she buys that widget for $1 okay so target gets $1 they give whatever percentage to know they bought it wholesale so they take the dollar so target gets the dollar the widget manufacturer has already made all his money okay for that purchase here he made his money when he sold to target to target but not to Walmart so now you take the widget back to Walmart which should never go it wasn’t it Walmart Walmart also sells the widget Walmart but I believe that then when the walmart sells it again that the manufacturer makes money again and so does Walmart well hold on a second if so let’s not give it back to Walmart Walmart gives you one dollar so you’re at you are now released from the transaction you paid $1 and you gave it back parties irrespective you don’t have a dollar anymore you’re out of the transaction whether it’s ethical or not we’ll come back to that they pay no they now they pay me 50 cents whatever they’re currently selling a thing at because there’s no receipt well let’s just say it’s a dollar okay just say it’s the same price even though they say they have the lowest prices let’s say 99 cents so you get 99 cents you’re out you’re out one cent Walmart takes widget well I’m not out of one cent cuz grandma paid it so and now Walmart pays a basically has a restock the thing because you open it up but they’re gonna pay money to have that restocked and then they’re gonna turn around and they’re gonna sell it again [Music] the restocking fee you placed the burden of the restocking fee on Walmart and it wasn’t something that they had to calculate it because they didn’t sell it to you in the first place it’s unethical but there’s they now have inventory to sell that they didn’t have before so and that makes up the difference I hope so I don’t know I don’t know we could Google it or we could just let you decide on the other end of this how about we talk about a woman who got super glued to a toilet seat yeah let’s go there this isn’t Kentucky this is June 2012 you know this one’s really really simple unidentified woman is in a Monticello there apparently Oh Monticello there’s a Walmart inside of Thomas Jefferson’s house no but there’s a Monticello isn’t Monticello that’s the Thomas Jefferson’s house yeah I know that that’s a big wing is that Monticello it’s my dad cello come to my come to my Walmart swing well which I have designed but I don’t believe that Thomas Jefferson’s home is in Kentucky the garden area is on the on the right side there yeah there’s a check out within the garden area you don’t it’s this little secret checkout area if you get some flowers even if you’ve already gotten the order you can check out there where there’s not the weight that you would experience at the normal checkout counter Thomas Jabin Thomas Jefferson speaking yes and this is I’m giving you a tour of mine Monticello Wal Mart I’ve designed and this woman who is unidentified is heard screaming loudly from a restroom stall in June of 2012 paramedics show up well they can’t get her out of the bathroom actually they can’t get her off of the toy they realize that her Fanny has been glued to the toilet seat her buttocks because some prankster has placed superglue all over the toilet seat and they had to take the toilet have to disconnect the toilet seat from the toilet and she walks out of there I don’t know if they talked about a walk of shame walking through that woman have a toilet seat on her but walking all the way across the water maybe we should pants around your ankles No and a toilet seat it glued to your butt what if she has spandex she could have gotten to spandex and pull them back over it you know with regular yeah that woman should be in a music video because her badonkadonk isn’t quite good but you’re shaped like a horseshoe the more I look at it horseshoe Heinie’s she oughta she ought to drive one of them motorized scooters around or have her own website be justified anyway they couldn’t figure out who had done it but turns out pun intended it turns out that this has happened six times at Walmart to that woman she should start raking the seat before she sits down she should start getting she should start putting one of those sheets that they sell if you know is a reason to put down the rest assured paper thing oh that was that put a shout out to rest assured the greatest name for a product ever there’s been six cases of this not Wow for this woman but at Walmart and I you got a thing is this it was just a dude who does this you know this is not a guy who’s comes I mean he got a girl who came up with this idea this is a dude do you know how to find the person who’s done this look around the exit to the restroom because if you’re not gonna just hightail it out of there you’re gonna sit down somewhere nearby and watch them exit with the toilet seat stuck to there but I mean you there’s got to be a payoff for the prankster it seems like like somebody who works at Walmart who might might do this and your sister and enjoys the whole thing as it unfolds could be Sam Walton himself but the guy who owns Walmart if the guy is caught this could be second-degree assault charges just so you know that guy out there you’re probably listening to your biscuits you seem like a kind of guy that would be into your biscuits I just know that you’ve you ever get caught we second-degree assault charges oh well warning heated I’m not gonna jump in on that one I got another one February 2012 in a Walmart in Exton Pennsylvania 32 year old dude named verdun Lamont Taylor now this guy’s middle name is Lamont you know I’ve got a special relationship with in with the word Lamont because that’s my fake last name on my Twitter account it is because if you’re really interested in this back when we made the Facebook song we created Facebook profiles and I wanted to create them before my character not myself and I created one called link LaMotte because the coolest guy and grade school was Lamont mcclain and I thought it was cool so I made it Lamont my last name and it stuck with my my Twitter handle too so there’s that story if you didn’t know it but anyway this dude kindred spirit I wouldn’t have done anything he didn’t do I would have done the same thing he would have done or I don’t know if I just said the same thing twice or the opposite thing but you know what about probably so Burton Lamont Taylor decided can we call him VLT VLT decides that he needs some socks man and where do you go when you need some socks or anything for that matter in x10 Pennsylvania you go to the wall mm-hmm but he does something a little weird just a little weird before going shock sock shopping into Walmart he pulls up into the parking lot and then proceeds to strip down completely naked he takes off everything I assume he didn’t have socks on but he took everything else off and then he wanted a pure experience of Walmart they didn’t want to be tainted but my clothes so he struts into the Walmart and there’s surveillance footage I know I think I understand I think on whereas mine was that because when people do things like this I just I want to know I want to understand their motives I don’t understand the the cow guy yet but I think I get VLT okay name a place another place I I know of a place that supposedly had everything that man could need why take anything in when it’s got everything you need is that what you’re getting it was a place where man and woman were naked and unashamed the Garden of Eden okay he sees the Walmart like the Garden of Eden link it’s a place where a man should just be able to be naked and unashamed and get anything he wants well that’s not what he said he’s like the cradle of civilization he didn’t say anything but this is what he looked like picture this guy he doesn’t look like how I picture Adam in the Garden of Eden okay six foot four inches tall he’s not your height but he’s pretty tall 300 pounds that’s the biggest big guy VLT this dude naked as a jaybird strutting down the parking lot you watching all the surveillance footage walks right in and I’m assuming it isn’t that like a bodybuilder I’m not picturing VLT looking like a bodybuilder VLT is just letting it all hang out I got a low center of gravity yeah well he walks in and he goes straight for the customer service desk course now that’s where you make returns but dude ain’t got nothing to return I mean if he’s gonna buy anything where is he keeping his wallet I don’t want to know he’s looking for his mate man he’s looking for old he’s looking for Eve here here’s the here’s the here’s the funny thing um he goes to the customer service desk and he there’s a bag on the counter they’re telling me this is true he reaches inside the bag okay in your ear right now typing it into you right now no there’s they’re telling me this is actually true no this is from Huffington Post and he reaches inside the bag at the customer service test it just happens to be there and what we pull out Paris aha what does he do put some on puts the pair of socks on it could have just as easily been like a pair of underwear but it just happened to be yes – everyone’s chagrin and then he doesn’t leave at this point he’s got what he came for he doesn’t pay for it he just proceeds to peruse the Walmart yeah when nothing but socks yeah this is a great idea yeah I guess he didn’t want his feet to get dirty the right yeah you know when’s the last time they buffed the floor I don’t know if it’s on real dirty real fast I’ll still pay for them when I’m on my way out if I can ever fish my wallet out of wherever it’s hiding yeah witnesses said they saw VLT walking up and down the aisles completely naked wearing sob I think yeah I think you’d see that I think unlike when I see amber yeah he’s not a streaker I think I’d stop and I think I’d stop yeah I wouldn’t and talk to him well I don’t know you know I’d say hey man I would yeah I would not go in hand with this everything okay we would be two ships passing in the night oh not I would not seek to spend some quality time with this guy but he’s not a streaker as I was saying because he he was just strutting as a stroller he’s a stroller yeah yeah streakers are trying to get away fast yeah police were called they arrived VLT was quote hostile towards them really they had to use a stun gun which is not good when you’re naked no no you don’t want to be stunned yeah when you’re when all you’re wearing is socks is like if you’re if you belligerent towards the police the last thing you can ask for humbly is um could you please stone me in the socks I could take it a little better there they had to subdue him because he spit on one of the office yeah okay so you’re saying this guy what he wasn’t right Ned he was arrested and charged with indecent exposure disorderly conduct simple assault aggravated assault and misuse of socks No he also had to return the stop the socks he didn’t he was not allowed to leave with the socks well that’s unfortunate he got nothing from this he’s stunned and drugged out and they like peel the socks off of him and like put them back in the bag before they look I’m sure that VLT has made nothing but good decisions since this left all of his clothes in the car yeah I gotta say I don’t know if I can top that I’ve never gotten naked in a Walmart but you have left something in the car I did leave something in the car and you know now that I’m thinking about it I realize I don’t know this is one of those things were a thing my I don’t think my memories playing tricks on me I believe that these two stories are connected I believe Gambhir now know the battery story I think that the reason I left I did the quick exchange of the battery now that I it makes a lot more sense in my mind now that the MIT full memory is coming back hmm is what happened is it’s justified because I was a new father of Locke who was like a couple of months old at the time and he was in the back seat in the car seat and I go to the Walmart and I get out I go into the Walmart and I’m going to exchange these batteries that’s exactly what I was doing I was going to exchange the batteries and I get to the battery section I’m looking I spot the batteries and I grab the batteries that I want now I’m gonna go to the exchange and that is when it hits me I do not have my son who I am responsible for because he is in the vehicle whoo-hoo now that is probably the worst realization that any father can come to know well one of them but now I listen I’m gonna another one is I’m strolling through the Walmart and nothing but socks I’m gonna go and tell you right now no laughing matter here that people obviously do this lately there were kids in her car and kids end up dying and it’s a horrible thing these people get charged with credible crimes and it’s just a horrible thing but every single time I hear one of these stories and it’s one of these where it was just somebody totally forgot I just you know my my heart goes out for because you know they did what they didn’t it wasn’t intentional but thankfully in my situation it was literally 90 seconds to two minutes after I had been in a car like I’d been in the Walmart and it was like a 55 degree day and he was asleep I know you so it was just long enough to steal some batteries yeah so just just just just to explain things because it and I tell you if you’re a new if you’re a new parent especially a new dad because dads are not nearly as attentive I’m generalizing here not nearly as attentive as moms most of the time you’re a new dad you’re driving around and you’re by yourself and you’ve got your new baby in the back your mind starts wandering you forget you’re at your father yeah you forget that you’re a dad you’re just single dude driving around and you because your brain is so weird the way it works sometimes and you get to the Walmart night I’m in a Walmart I’m gonna go in there and change my batteries and then it takes two minutes of being in the Walmart without your kid to realize oh I’m a father and I’m actually with my kid right now he’s in a car they just sprint it out that’s well no I make sure you got the right back on the right batteries I put him in my pocket and I put the other batteries up and I did I do the exchange right there one-for-one cuz you’re there you might as well get the right bag run out so it’s even worse yeah that’s pretty good I steal and then run out and I really took a beat to make sure you had the right one yeah you gotta get alright batteries and then I run out and he’s totally asleep which is another reason I forgot about him because you can make it oversleep so anyway Walmart makes me stupid man that’s the conclusion here well that is an elaborate justification for stealing batteries I just have to tell you so it wasn’t as bad it wasn’t as stupid as I thought it was it was actually stupider in one sense that I left my kid in the car but it was not as stupid in that it wasn’t just a convenience thing it was no I was planning on doing the typical exchange which later I would learn and it seems obvious now that when you want to exchange something into it at a Walmart you go in and you give it to a dude who puts a sticker on it when you go in so what’s in exchange yeah you can’t do what I did and have in your pocket and go in and shop and then exchange because then you could just steal stuff yeah that didn’t make sense who’s the dumb on so many levels but you know I haven’t been to a Walmart in three years now really well no oh no I’ve been to one and I’ve been to one in North Carolina probably the past 18 months but I you know maybe I’ve moved beyond it now maybe I’m maybe I’m smarter I got two words that’ll seen you run it back in there what Mountain Thunder Shh imitation Mountain Dew he’s in now what it was called I think it’s a purple Thunder dr. Thunder dr. Thunder and Mountain mist I can’t remember anymore I’m sure some of you are yelling it at us right now but you know that I think that we should just go hang out at Walmart and I would I don’t think I would be a greeter I think I’d be a sample giver which they don’t really do that that much it’s not like Costco or like Sam’s right yeah but I would I would gladly if they had a sample position I think that would be the coolest position at the Walmart because you get to witness all these things that we’ve talked about today and you also get to be everybody sugar that hey you know I’m a giving little pocket of something to eat yeah it tastes so good when it’s this small you bought a whole box and you’re gonna be disappointed but when you’re hearing you’re hungry and your kids are crazy yeah I want to give them something like um shut up I’m your best friend I’m like I’m like a sample clause sample club that’s a good idea yeah sample clause that’s what I could beat man and you might get to see a naked fat dude with socks on and potentially an ex-girlfriend and my in-laws I will say that that’s basically what they do they don’t give out samples but they go to Walmart to see and be seen you know in Kinston it’s like well we call us like what are you doing Saturday night well we’re going to the Walmart and they do call it Walmart with a k’ and we saw you when you saw Jimmy you can just pass over that you have to explain that to people because I do know inclination that is do but they they know it’s Walmart the sign is pretty big the T at the end is pretty big but it comes out Walmart it just comes out that way yeah and I’ve asked and it’s just home there’s no what you ask I asked you I asked him you know it’s Walmart right I know but I just say it that way it just comes out that way Walmart’s Walmart and sometimes it’s got an S so why not why not because what it caught what is called as long as you can get there and as long as you know money’s still green in the doctor thunder is still dark so hotdogs are still red if you want to hang out with us just go to your nearest wall marks and we’ll be hanging out there we should do like a tour like we did to those rest stops when we came out to LA Walmart tour yeah I don’t know after this I mean after this podcast that they’d be willing to do that will be the guys in nothing but socks okay let us know whether or not you enjoy these your biscuits you know we do them for you to enjoy I mean it is refreshing our friendship but it’s also for your entertainment your you’re just listening pleasure hashtag ear biscuits wherever hashtags are accepted we’d love to hear from you and you can count on us to be delivering another podcast to your ears next Friday [Music] [Music]