It’s time to talk about the time I got a massage. Hi, I’m Dan from Sydney, Australia. Let’s talk about that. ♪ (theme music) ♪ – G-g-g-good Mythical Morning! – This episode is brought to you by the RhettandLink.com/store where you can get the Mythical Shoe like this one that I – have on my foot. – The only shoe worthy of outfitting an – Australian wedding party. – (Link) John and Allison got married in – Australia. – (Rhett) And all the groomsmen wore the Mythical Shoe. The blue and green Mythical Shoe. Thanks, John and Allison. We wish you our mythical best. – In your mythical marriage. – Okay. Is this gonna be awkward? You know, just based on the teaser alone, I was tempted to just step away and just– You know what, Rhett? You can– If you wanna talk about a massage and you– Don’t leave me alone. Don’t leave me alone to talk about this. Then I might just check out. I mean, I could be back here working on something – and if– – It’s a pretty small room. You’ll just– You’ll still, for all intents and purposes, you’ll still be here. Maybe I’ll… what do you want for lunch? I could go out and get it. – Is it gonna be one of those? – Well, maybe. I don’t know, I mean, I just, you know, wanna… I wanna be open and honest. (snorts) Now, this not one of those walking through the mall and there’s the three– you know, you see those weird seats with the hole in the middle of the headrest, and then you see some guy awkwardly slumped over and then some woman is giving him a massage right there for everybody to see in the mall? – Is this one of those stories? – It is not one of those stories, and here’s why it’s not one of those stories. Now, listen. I’m tall. I have back problems. I hurt my back on a pretty regular basis. I actually really hurt my back over the summer when we were making a commercial for our television – show Commercial Kings on IFC. – Yeah. We actually taught– well, we made a commercial for a pro wrestling school and we adopted pro wrestling personas, and then I put you in a suplex. And during – the suplex, I hurt my back pretty bad. – And I’m the one that was – 20 feet in the air. – I had the easy part and I’m the one – that got hurt. – And I was being slammed… Yeah. I was doing a move to you and I got hurt. That gives you an idea of how – bad my back is. – Right. So after that show, I was like, “I need a massage!” But I’ve never been one of those guys that’s like… the mall thing? I don’t like– we’ve talked about how I don’t like doing things– I don’t even like sleeping in public ’cause I don’t know what people think about that, and– much less getting a massage in public? – Yeah. – I just don’t like… – Being watched while getting a massage. – Yeah! It’s just weird. I can understand that. Now, I would do it. I mean, my wife’s shopping… I’d love nothing more than to get a massage while she’s doing that, ’cause I hate shopping. – I’ll go sit on the bench. – But I’ll sit– the thing that stops me is just the price tag. It’s just not worth it, because, you know, it’s a halfway massage for a full-way price. So I’ve had a full-body massage before. – Whoa, okay. – But done by a professional, you know? It was a gift card. I think for Valentine’s Day Christy gave me a – full-body massage… gift card. – (chuckles) – So I went in and… – She’s not a masseuse. No she’s not. And… as long as you embrace it, it’s fine. Admittedly, there’s this awkwardness at the beginning. It’s like, okay, I’m gettin’ nekkid and puttin’ – on a towel… – You got nekkid? (laughs) You’re not supposed to… yeah, you’re supposed to, I think, right? – I kept my underwear on. – Oh. Well… I thought I was… okay, well, shoot. Okay, so it’s even more awkward than it had to be! – I mean, I think it’s– – So you didn’t even take your underwear off to get a massage, and… hopefully it won’t be that bad. I didn’t see a reason to take my underwear off. I thought that’s what you did! Maybe that’s just in Russia or something. You’ve been reading Wikipedia. Taking it too seriously. But once you just embrace the fact that, you know, I’m nude or almost nude under this towel, but this is a professional setting. You just embrace it and go for it. – And it’s great! – Now, listen. I’m not gonna call this experience “great,” but I will say it’s definitely worth telling about on – Good Mythical Morning. – What happened? There’s a place… I looked it up on Yelp and it was the closest place to where we were living at the time over in Los Feliz and it said, “Special: One hour massage for $25.” That’s really all I needed to know. Just like, one hour? $25? I’m there. ‘Cause you’re in pain. You’re looking for some sort of back solution. But I did no research. I didn’t know what– I don’t know anything about what kind of massage, how reputable this place is… I don’t know anything about what I’m – gettin’ myself into, okay? – Okay. – It’s the right price for the right time. – Because typically we’re talking 40-50 – bucks for a one-hour massage. – Probably, yes. Maybe. I think, yeah. I think I’ve learned that. I go in there and there’s nobody else in there. There’s not even anybody at the cash register up front, but there was – a little bell when I came in. – Uh huh. Someone’s here. And this… you know, like a teenage girl came up to… not to give – me the massage, but to be like… – (laughs) And at first I was like, “Uh oh, I hope she’s not the only one here and I hope she’s not giving me the massage. It’s gonna get awkward.” But she was like, “Oh, we have a room ready for you.” ‘Cause I had called ahead even though there’s nobody there. So I go back to this room and I don’t know what’s happening. At this point, I think it might be this teenage girl coming in here in a second and I’m gettin’ kinda nervous and I’m like… maybe I’m gonna leave. – Yeah. – And then my head is face-down, but – then when I hear the door– – And you have underwear and a – towel on. – Yes, I got a towel on. And I’m face-down and when the door opens, I’m like, “First of all, I gotta figure out what’s going on.” – (laughs) – The door opens and I look up and it’s like a 74-year-old woman. Like a 74-year-old Asian woman that I do not believe speaks any English and she probably is about 4 foot 8. I’m not exaggerating. I’m not being sensational. She’s about 4 foot 8, 74, maybe – 75 years old. – 4 foot 8. So that– I mean, you’re 6 foot 7. If you stand up, this woman is literally coming up to here on you. Yeah. And she’s in like a… almost like a gi, it kinda looked like. – But it was black. It was like a– – And she had nunchucks. No, no. No nunchucks. But she made, like, a hand motion to me like, you know– – Chill out. – Hello, whatever. – Oh. – And I’m like, “okay.” So I just put my head back down. I’m like, you know, this is not going to be awkward. I mean, – this is a 75-year-old woman here. – Right. First of all, to me, you’re in best case scenario, because if it’s an ultra-hot, like a model masseuse comes in there– you’re a married man. That’s not a good situation for you to be in. – It’s a compromising situation. – Yeah. Or if it looks like a hairy – pro-wrestler… – Then it’s just uncomfortable. Yeah, you don’t want that. So you just want a nice, professional situation, and it sounds like you’re off to a good start. (laughs) Yes. I like the way you hear this. – (laughs) – So the first thing I notice is that she gets going right on my back, right at the get-go, and – this woman has some strong hands. – Hm. I mean, this woman, I’m like, “Whoa! This little woman is really going after it!” – (laughs) – And it’s not– it doesn’t feel good. – It hurts! – Oh, wow. And I’m like, “Well, maybe this is just part of it, you know? Maybe this just– – just going for it with lots of pressure.” – Yeah. Okay. Three minutes later, I hear and feel what I think is her… I’m like, “Is she standing on the massage table now?” I’m like, “Hold on a second… – Is she standing on me right now?” – (laughs) I kinda like look up and… the woman is standing on my back! – Oh really? – This little woman is standing on my back. ‘Cause, you know, feet feel different than hands. So I could tell. – On most people. – And then when I felt two things on my lower back and then I felt two more things… – (laughs) – on my shoulders. – (laughs) What!? – Her hands. – Okay. – That was when I knew that she had feet – and hands on my back. – Oh, wow. – And so– – So she was like, Crouching Tiger? She’s putting all her weight… she’s putting all her weight on me and doing – these things. – She’s giving you the Crouching Tiger. I’m afraid to ask, what’s the Hidden Dragon? – (laughs) And she’s– – It’s the elbows. The elbow and the knee… but you know, it’s like– – So, her feet are on your– on your– – She’s standing on me as if I was a table. But then she’s also in the position of a table. Her hands are down and her feet – are down? – No, she’s not laying on top of me. – And then elbows? (laughs) – No, no. She’s standing on top of me. No, I know, like a table. Like her arms and legs are the legs of the table. – Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, kinda. – And then she’s got elbows going? And she walks down my legs… she’s like, at one point I look… – It’s like Cirque du Soleil! – I kinda look back and she’s walking my – calf like a tightrope! With no hands! – (laughs) – Yeah. And at this point– – Did it feel good? At this point it felt real good. Once I accepted that there was a woman – walking on my back… – There was no warning? There was no… She doesn’t speak English! It wasn’t like, (quietly) “I am about to get on your back.” (normally) It was more like… she just got on my back. The table starts creaking and swaying and then all of a sudden– You had to sort of guess what was happening. And that was why I would kind of look up from time to time. She’s walking, okay. So then… – I never knew this was possible. – She says, “Okay!” She did say “okay.” – (softly) “Okay! Turn over.” – Now she’s gonna– she’s gonna walk – on your front? – (normally) So I’m like, “Okay, this could…” First of all, okay, so I turn over. Another reason I had underwear on. – I mean, what’s wrong with you? – The towel! Okay, and so I’m laying back, and then I’m like, “Is this woman gonna walk on me now?” – ‘Cause I’m ticklish! – Well, you can’t walk on somebody’s front because it’ll just (squelches) cave in! I mean– – You can walk on somebody’s front. – (laughs) She did it?! The first thing she starts doing is she starts, like, stuff in the stomach area with her hands. She’s not walking on me yet. She’s to the side. – Okay. – And I’m going, (giggles) – I’m very ticklish. – You’re like the Pillsbury Doughboy? I’m like, (high-pitched) hoo-hoo-hoo! Hoo! (normally) And she starts kinda going, Heheh– she starts kinda laughing a little bit ’cause she knows it’s kinda funny. – Oh man, I’m uncomfortable. – And then she gets up on the table. – She gets on the table and I’m like… – Uh uh. Uh uh. “Hold on, how does this work? I’m on my back in my underwear and now there’s a 75-year-old little woman up there standing over me.” And I’m like, “Where’s she gonna step? What’s about to happen?” She puts one foot on this thigh and one foot on my other thigh and then starts just kind of moving her feet back and forth. – And I was like– – And her hands are in the air? – They’re kinda balancing. – Circus act! She’s massaging my thighs with her feet while standing on them. Now, in any other social situation, like with any person that you’ve never talked to, this is very– Only in a massage place is this acceptable behavior, you know? This doesn’t happen in public. And it definitely doesn’t happen at the mall. – I should hope not. – Then she starts doing a couple of things like picking up my leg and pushing it back and making popping things and– I mean, all I could say is, by the end of the process, I felt absolutely incredible. It was just like… still hadn’t spoken more than a couple of words to this woman, but she had done so many things with my body. She had contorted it in so many ways and pushed on it and pulled on it and… I just felt like a new man. Give me that business card for that woman. You’ve convinced me. Okay. I think it’s on Groupon. I think there’s a Groupon. I gotta give this a shot. How are we gonna end this episode? The wheel shall tell. TBD. Okay, now what “TBD” means is “To be determined” by you. And so we spin again to get something else that… has already been determined. Yeah. Already been determined. (Link) Tell kids to do homework and chores. This came from a specific user who I think had some specific kids in mind, so you can take this for your kids or all kids out there. We’re gonna tell you – a coupla things. – (sternly) Hey kids, listen up! If you wanna keep watching Good Mythical Morning, you better do your homework! – Get in there, do your homework! – (sternly) No Good Mythical Morning until you’ve done your chores! What’re you thinking? Listen, we brought you into this – world, we can take you out of it! – Look at this bed! Look at this bed! I can’t even tell which end you’re supposed to get into and sleep! Do you know a hundred years ago, do you know what kids would have to do? They would have to make their own beds. And by “make their own beds” I mean literally build their own beds! They would have to go and chop down trees. They’d have to bring ’em together. They’d have to fill a sack full of hay to make a mattress. And they probably shared it with a donkey! And you’re complaining about making your – stupid little bed I bought at Walmart? – Make it happen, kids! (normally) See you tomorrow! [Captioned by Caitrin: GMM Captioning Team]