Welcome to “Good Mythical More.” Have you been crushed by a crush? Well, we’re gonna talk about some stories from Mythical Beasts, and maybe share a few of our own. But first, we’re going to guess the definition of gubbins. G-U-B-B-I-N. G-U-B-B-I-N-S. Gubbins. Man, I woke up from a dream, and I just had a hankering for some gubbins. Yeah, it sounds like something you could eat. Might be a cousin that you’re not that close with. Well, you know, he’s my gubbin. A cousin fourth removed. He’s just my gubbin. I mean, I’ll see him at the family reunion, but we don’t talk. Gubbin, gubbin, gubbin. Mm… I think gubbins, I think gubbins, it’s pieces of something that’s leftover from a process. What’s the process? It’s probably, I don’t know, it’s like cleaning an animal. Get all the gubbins off? Get all the gubbins off. What if it’s like penguin- For all the hunters out there. Penguin scat. I think it’s a redneck Penguin scat, I like that. karma situation. You’re gonna get your gubbins. Yeah, you’re gonna get your gubbins. Alright. That’s pretty good. Yeah, we’re going with redneck karma. Oh, it’s just gadgets. Gadgets? Inspector Gubbins. That works, that works. It wouldn’t have been the same. So did we ask Mythical Beasts to submit their- Yeah, I have a bunch of Mythical Beast Twitter stories, which is not, I didn’t mean it like that. They’re replies on Twitter. They’re stories in the replies of crushes who have crushed. And we’re gonna commiserate, maybe give some advice, I don’t know, go back to middle school for a lot of these, like this first one from @starvarvie, who says, “In middle school, this boy- Oh, we’re losing you. Oh, gosh. You gotta hold that button down, Stevie. “In middle school, this boy broke up with me because he was moving away. He came to school the next day with a new girlfriend. He never moved away.” Ooh! Well, he moved on though. Yeah, that’s what he meant. You just didn’t understand the- You got the verbs wrong. Yeah. Ugh, wow. Moving away, moving on. Man, that is tough. Ooh. “I’m moving.” I’m like, what are the circumstances here? I think it has to be. I think you’re right, I think it has to be a misunderstanding of moving on. No. I’m moving on. This is the kind of thing that a middle school boy, he gets with his friends, and he’s like, “I’m gonna break up with her.” And one guy’s like, “Tell her you’re moving.” And he’s like, “Okay, that’s great.” You know, it’s the first thing the group comes up with, and he’s like, “I’m moving.” And then, he just thinks, hey, if she sees you the next day, you just say, “Oh, we decided not to move.” You know, it’s a very not well thought-out plan. I was gonna say, it’s hard to break up with somebody, but of all the girlfriends that I’ve had, I mean, it’s not a long list, but they all broke up with me. They all initiated with me, too. So I guess the ball was always in their court. How many moved away? Huh? How many of them moved away? None of ’em. That’s true, the girl always initiated with you, and then also broke up with you. That’s- The grass is always greener with the Linkster. What does that say? I was rejected by a lot of ladies. I always, without exception, initiated. But I also, the majority of the time, initiated the breakup as well. But my- Did you get good at breaking up? No, I don’t think I did a good… I think, I don’t even remember my freshman-year girlfriend, how I broke up with her. I think I’ve established why I broke up with her: Because she didn’t know the freezing temperature of water. And also, she rewound VHS tapes after hitting Play. Yep. Not after hitting Stop. Yeah, you gotta hit Stop first. It goes faster that way. I don’t remember, it was probably, I probably did it over the phone. Now this was pre-text. You couldn’t text your way out of a relationship back in our day. Nope. You had to be on the phone, talking. But I’m pretty sure it was a phone call. I was broken up with through other people, I was broken up with in a letter. I was- A letter… And a couple of times, I just kinda pieced it together that we weren’t together anymore. Yeah, right. Yeah, things just changed. Well, I was gonna say, in middle school, when you’re dating someone, it doesn’t mean anything, ’cause you don’t go do anything. I’m talking about high school. It meant a lot to me. Okay, this says- It always meant so much. It’s only in retrospect. It’s interesting, my first girlfriend dumped me. My 6th-grade girlfriend, who was your first girlfriend as well, Leslie, she dumped me at the beginning of that summer. ‘Cause it was summertime, she was gonna go to the pool, or the other pool. She used summer as the reason. “Yeah, I’m gonna see other guys at the pool.” I think she used summer as the reason. “You go to a different pool.” And I was like, “Yeah, you got a point. You really got a point.” But then every subsequent girlfriend after that, I was the one who ended the relationship, up until my wife. But that relationship is still happening. The relationship before Christy is the only one that I ended, but it was kinda mutual, and it was prolonged, and it was very painful. Let’s move on. Oh, wow, okay. But we’re really talking about crushes crushing you. It’s not just breakups. Yeah, yeah, this is all crush related. I mean, you had a lot of crushes that crushed you. Crushes crushing. This next one is just a crush situation. “I had a crush on a guy for years! And my friends finally convinced me to ask him to the dance at our 8th-grade school dance, or to dance there. He said, ‘Uh, yeah, I’ll be right back,’ and then he walked away and didn’t come back. I was devastated, but eventually I moved on.” This is from @halliesophia. Kinda the same thing as the first one, you know? “I’ll be right back.” “I’ll be right back.” Hey, look over there! You know, it’s one of those cartoonish things. This is sad. This is sad. Are they doing, we should know this as fathers of kids who have been through middle school, but I guess I don’t ask enough questions about these dances that they go to. Are people slow-dancing with each other now? Oh, yeah. Even the fast dances are very sexual. Well, they’re especially sexual. I’m just talking about a slow dance. Yeah, just a nice, wholesome… Is that still happening? And if so, what are the popular songs that people are slow-dancing to? Because we had very specific songs. It’s like, oh, “I Swear” is playing, or “Free Fallin.’” Even “Free Fallin’” was a slow-dance song. Yeah. You know? I went to a, when Christy and I first got married, she was a high school math teacher. And I went with her to chaperone one of the dances. Yeah, you gotta keep ’em apart. And so that was 2001, 2002 maybe. And it was- Did you have a pizza paddle that you stuck in between the kids? And just kinda pry ’em apart. It was a little awkward just watching. I didn’t do anything. I didn’t intervene in any way. You didn’t intervene? Good. ‘Cause I wanted to seem like the cool husband, who really didn’t wanna be there. “Hey, kids, do whatever you want.” Which was easy to do. “Even dry-humping, I don’t care. It’s all fine with me.” But of all the times you initiated and succeeded, you also initiated, I don’t wanna throw you under the bus here, but you’ve been crushed by your crushes. I don’t think I’ve ever been crushed. It wasn’t like… I would develop crushes You were resilient. on girls that were so out of my league, and two years older than me. Yeah. I’d be a sophomore or a freshman, and try to talk some senior into dating me. Good for you, man. And so it was- And when it doesn’t work, it’s like whatevs. It was just kinda like, you knew this wasn’t gonna work for you, but you had to try, you know? Yep. If you were Michael Juby, it woulda worked. Michael Juby. It worked. He had some magic stuff going on. Two years older. Dang. Wow, crazy. Nothing stopped him. I’ve had a lot of crushes in my adulthood, and I’ve noticed a pattern that everybody that I have a crush on turns out to be a lesbian. I had a crush on Anne Heche. She turned out to be a lesbian. I had a crush on… Now you’re talking about celebrity crushes. I had a, well, celebrity crush, yeah. I had a celebrity crush on Kate McKinnon. Total lesbian. You know, I’ve started to think, as an adult man who just has celebrity crushes, it’s just kind of a gaydar. I’m getting ’em confused. I’ve always said I love lesbians. Yeah, but you don’t think you’re making people lesbians Sounds like George Costanza. with your crushes. That’s not what’s happening. ‘Cause you might have been implying that. But no, you’re saying that you’re just recognizing their lesbianism. I think Anne Heche and Kate McKinnon were lesbians long before I had any feelings for them. Okay then, good, good, good, good. Good, just making sure. But the sad thing is the feelings don’t go away. Wow. It just makes me more confused. I hope that the bassist Have you talked to a therapist about this? for Khruangbin is not gay. Is she gay, too? What, who? She’s my crush now. Yeah, I understand that. I understand that quite a bit. I mean, chances, I don’t know who you’re talking about, but via the description, yeah, I think so. Ha-ha, the bassist. She’s a bassist, she’s a lesbian, dude. The writing is on the wall. I mean, I thought I had a crush on the lead singer for The Chicks, formerly known as The Dixie Chicks. Yeah. But then she wasn’t a lesbian, and I didn’t have feelings for her anymore. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that situation’s confusing in general. Yeah, I think I understand that. Are we connecting, Stevie? Yeah, I was searching the list to see if there’s any connection for people who also have had crushes on lesbians, in the comments here, but, no, I don’t have anything to add there. There’s just some harsh- This makes Christy feel very secure, by the way. But not a lesbian, I just want to be clear. Well, right, yeah. My wife is not a lesbian. Oh, okay. Yeah, that tracks. Exactly. Okay, let’s see, where do we wanna go here? Here’s some physical, not violence, but, “Sixth grade, I had my first crush. She was in my first period class, and I was crazy about her. I got a ring, which I took from my mom, and I brought it to school the next day.” Wow. “I go to her locker and give it to her, and she legit threw it back at me. It was brutal.” This is from Domorebetter. Oh, wow, I mean, that’s coming on pretty strong. Sixth grade, coming out of the gate with a ring? Yeah, a stolen ring at that. Yeah, I think you might’ve deserved to have this thrown back at you. I mean, good for your mom. I hope you caught it. Good for your mom? Oh, good for your mom that she had the ring. That she threw it back. Got it, yep. It was her ring. Right. Yeah, yeah. See, I say things and you gotta unravel it. Mm… Did you go through a pink ice phase, anybody? Pink ice. Is that just us? What is that? You’re dating yourself. In middle school, the thing to get somebody was pink ice. I don’t know what that means. It’s like a fake gemstone that’s pink. It’s not a drug. Although, it sounds like it. Is this from Claire’s or something? Yes, it is a stone, a fake stone, that is super cheap, but for some reason, I just heard the girls talking about it, and they were like, “Pink ice, pink ice, pink ice. Who’s getting pink ice?” And I was like, pink ice, I gotta get that. I go to the mall and just- Rhett’s listening in on all the- Yeah, I just go. I was dating a girl, and Valentine’s Day was coming up, and I just go into the mall, and I would just walk through the threshold of the mall, and I was like, “Pink ice! Pink ice, just help this boy find pink ice.” I don’t know where to go, I didn’t know about Claire’s. And I just said, “Pink ice” over and over again, and eventually a security guard was like, “Son, follow me. But you had that initiative. I mean, I give you credit. You shoulda coached me more. I didn’t know how to initiate a relationship, or how to carry on a relationship, or how to know that they were attracted to women. You know, it’s like- It didn’t seem like you, you never told me that you were having a difficult time. I did not know that you- Wasn’t it obvious? You would go out looking for pink ice. I never thought about pink ice. I was just having to work so hard to get the girls interested, and to keep them interested. And you just seemed like you weren’t having to work that hard, so I was like, “Oh, he doesn’t need any tips.” But apparently, I just didn’t know about any of the inner workings of your relationships, that they were completely empty. This is something that we have talked about on “Ear Biscuits” at lot, is just the dynamic of relationships in middle school and high school. So there’s plenty of episodes. If you’re into this, you’ll be into that. I’m not trying to plug my podcast, but I just gotta do it. Oh, that’s so funny, [Stevie] ’cause you know what else you’d be into? I have a podcast, too. It’s funny because we also talk about that. You do. On my podcast. That’s right. Let’s plug yours too. “Best Friends Back Alright!” Reminiscing about- “Best Friends Back, Alright!” your days of youth. “Best Friends Back, Alright!” But what I’m supposed to be promoting is this hoodie. So just get this hoodie at mythical.com Now is that a podcast, or is that a hoodie? It’s a hoodie. Okay. It’s a minimalist hoodie. It’s a minimal design. I like it. We like it. “When I was 14, the older boy on my friend’s street, I had a huge crush on, saw my mom drop me off, and told me how hot he thought she was, and maybe one day I would be too, ’cause I wasn’t now. That destroyed me.” From Mestina Machek. Oh, a 14-year-old boy talking about the mom? Crush saw the mom? Wow. Ooh. Listen, everybody knows about the hot mom in the group. All the boys know who’s got the hot mom, right? But you can’t talk to the son or daughter of the hot mom, about the hot mom. That’s just the cardinal rule. You talk to everyone else about the hot mom. You can’t confide in the daughter about the hot mom. This is- Who was the hot mom when we were in middle school or high school? Well, I think we talked about, we had some teachers that we thought were hot. Oh, yeah. And let’s see, who’s mom was hottest? We didn’t have- Oh. Who? I mean, I don’t wanna say, ’cause I think it’ll be traced back, but I mean… Tracey? Traced back? No, I just thought of one. Well, say something that makes me know who you’re talking about. No, because if I say it, and you know who it is, that person has been contextualized enough in Rhett and Link lore, that then they may be able to. Well, just tell me in my ear. I mean… Mm… Yeah, man. You thought that she was hot? Listen, I mean, yeah, now that I think about it. I thought that her daughter was hot. Maybe it’s the 44-year-old man looking back on the mom who was probably 40 at the time. Yeah, at the time, we weren’t having discussions about it. No, I didn’t talk about it, but I’m saying- We actually didn’t have a MILF. Can you not say that? Can you not say that? I mean… Cassie and I have nicknames for people who live in our neighborhood, that we don’t know, but we see walking by frequently, and there’s a couple that we call Hot Dad and Pilates Mom. Oh, sick picks. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and they’re attractive, and they’ve got a new puppy. If Hot Dad and Pilates Mom are watching this “Good Mythical More,” and know their nicknames, nice new puppy. Hot Dad and Pilates Mom. There’s also someone we call Paul Newman. Oh, you have a Paul Newman in the neighborhood? Yeah, and he sports, you know a classic Wrangler jean that hits right under the navel? That look, he wears that. Really? Yeah. He’s shirtless? No, he does a classic Hanes white undershirt type of thing, with a tuck. And then, Cowboy hat? when it gets a little chilly, he’ll do a nice classic well-fitted flannel situation. And he that’s how he walks around the neighborhood. He just looks so- And what’s his hair like? Like a silvery, a salt-and-pepper. You know, nice classic style. He never interacts with Hot Dad and Pilates Mom. They walk at different times. Yeah, different universes, so like DC and Marvel. Y’all just looking out your window, naming everybody. Well, yes. Our house is positioned in a way where that’s what- You do have a, yeah, you’ve got a good… Do you have a backwards walker? In your neighborhood, No, but we’re- I saw a backwards walker this morning. Yeah, I got a couple of those. We’re at the end of a very slight hill, What’s the deal with that? so you can immediately tell who’s out of shape and who’s not. I’m surprised you don’t have backward walkers, ’cause they do it on a hill, don’t they? Yeah, well our neighborhood’s super hilly. So we have one very dedicated backwards walker. What? What, why? Is that a- I’m sure you can Google it. I think it’s calf, you can get your calves that way, maybe if you’re really into calves. I also have a slightly older couple, I would say they’re in their 50s, that walks while holding hands, without exception. Yes! Mine is, That’s sweet. the dude is about 20 years older than the woman in the relationship, from what I can tell. That’s okay. But they do walk holding hands. Yeah, and it’s like- He doesn’t want someone else to grab her up. And my wife and I have a conversation about them because we have very different takes on this. She would like the idea of us just holding hands the whole time. That’s a stroll, not a walk. And I’m like, I’ll hold your hand for a little bit, but it’s a whole part of my body that I can’t… You know what I’m saying? It’s just- Well, your height dynamic just does not, that doesn’t work. That’s true. Unless she agrees You’re like this. to slightly hold her arm up. Yeah, it’s like pulling a wagon. It’s like… My wife’s hand is wagon-height. Mythical, yet minimal. Shop the full Minimalist Collection now at mythical.com