Welcome to Good Mythical More. If you like to microwave steak, especially of the Salisbury variety, Salisbury. then we’re gonna tell you the best one after we taste all of ’em. But first we’re gonna tell you a random disturbing fact, the world’s termites outweigh the world’s people. The world’s… collected termites weigh an estimated 445 million tons humans only weigh 350 million tons. Wow. That’s crazy. You believe that? I believe in that. Who weighed all the termites? I believe it, man. I believe it. And for that matter, who weighed all the humans? We wanna invite Danny Palumbo, our good friend, expert taster and food writer… That’s right. How we doing? from Sporked to the show. Good man. How are you? Awesome. Pretty good. I thought it would be good for me to- Come on in. How’s it feel to be in my spot? It feels great. It feels good, doesn’t it? Do I get to have the show now? No, no, no. Just that part for this portion. I thought it would be good for you to be over there so you could drive steaks into our faces. Well I don’t wanna be fed by you. I, you don’t? I mean, maybe we’ll try it all around. I want you to, to feed us information. Okay, great. So we are doing microwaved Salisbury steaks, prepared by Mythical Kitchen. You can tell ’cause there’s a little piece of parsley on there. Oh, it didn’t come with that. That’s a good point. I don’t think so. Thanks for adding that guys. That’s gonna- So- You ever been to Salisbury, North Carolina? No! Either of you? I don’t- Is that where it comes from? I don’t think I have. Did you say, have you heard of it? I said you ever been there? Have you been there Stevie? I, you know what? I don’t think it’s a very memorable place. I could have probably gone there. I know what you’re talking about here. But do you think this is from that place? No. Cause I feel like we’ve had that conversation very specifically. There are a lot of places named Salisbury. Names like Joe Salisbury or something ridiculous. Oh really? I think so. We did a little quick little Wikipedia search. I’m sure there is a Joe though. First of all, how do we feel? I like Salisbury steak in general. Me too. And I think you can microwave it without, you can’t do that to a real steak, obviously. Making it suck. Right. But when it’s been deconstructed and then basically put back together in a patty form, it maintains tenderness and juiciness and I kinda like the flavor. What brand is this? So this is Stouffer’s. Stouffer’s. Which I feel like they knock it outta the park with a lot of their products. Their vegetable lasagna ranked super high for us at Sporked. Oh yeah? Yeah. They do a lot of classics. The first word that came to my mind when I tasted this was juicy. It is incredibly juicy. You don’t need the knife. I don’t even know why we use it. Yeah. Why do we have the knife? No knife! When I was a kid, I would eat a Salisbury steak dinner, maybe a couple times a month. It was my jam. Was it homemade though? No, it was microwave. It was microwave. I made a lot of microwave stuff. Latchkey kid vibes, beep, beep, beep, boop, boop. I had it down where I would always- That the microwave? go back, no, that was Stevie calling my dad. Hope he doesn’t answer and get pissed. “Who is this!” In between the more which we’re now doing, we’re in this and the main, my dad called back. And then said, hello? And he was like, oh, it was you. That whole interaction didn’t clear it up. So this one’s nice. Do you want us to give a rating, or? Well, yeah. How does it work for- So when we rank these for the website, our rating system is out of 10 sporks. Yeah. So, but you can also do like nine and a half. We don’t do like the 0.3 or 0.2 or anything, but you can go based off of a 1 to 10 scale and a half in there. So I feel like this is pretty standard, but it is really juicy. I’m definitely holding out hope that there could be something better. Absolutely. But for me, this is a solid nine. Oh. Okay! Well you’re not holding out for much to be better. I’m ready to give a 10 out of 10 today. I believe it can get a lot better than this. I’m gonna give this a seven. Okay. Yeah. But because it’s first, there’s kind of a disadvantage. Right? Okay. What do we have next here? I mean, I really enjoyed that. This is Hungry-man. Wow. Look at these little guys. They give you four? Now the Hungry-man actually has… Sauce. It’s got more sauce. And it also has grill marks. Yep. On one, on one side. Not this side. Yeah. You gotta really look at the grill marks side. Again, don’t need a knife. Although it does feel maybe slightly tougher than Stouffer’s just upon the cutting with fork. Okay. The sauce is gelatinous. Immediately, there is much more of a factory taste. Hmm. You know what I’m saying? I feel like the meat is not as high quality. I feel like the gelatinous gravy is trying to add juiciness, but it adds a little bit of grodiness. You know what it is? And the texture is a little too manufactured and too fine. I think it’s, there’s smoke flavor in it though that I like. And I can taste a lot of beef flavor in the gravy, which is nice ’cause the last one, I’m not sure if I got a strong beef flavor from the gravy itself, but you’re right. This is sort of, it’s really processed. But sometimes you want that. I know it tastes. Sometimes you want it. This is the taste that I remember. This is the nostalgic. Absolutely. Kind of manufactured. Yes. It came from a microwave. Yes. It could be 15 years old. Yes. I don’t care. Five outta 10 for me. Okay. I’d finish it, but- How do you feel? It’s not close to me for Stouffer’s. They’re both so juicy. Yeah. I mean, if we have a dry one, I’m gonna be really disappointed. That’s true. I mean, it really is, they’re all like, it’s like meatloaf, is really what they’ve done, but there’s not as much bread. It’s better than a meatloaf. I don’t think so. Oh! I definitely don’t. I’m all of a sudden realizing this is better than a meatloaf. I’m gonna give this a nice six. Everything you said is true. The nostalgia is bringing it back up for me. Okay. All right, let me move this plate here. All right. What do we have next? Little hot. Nah. I like- Okay. Oh, Marie Callender’s. Callenders. Is it Calledar’s or Callender’s? It’s, Marie went light on the sauce. Yeah. But I like the coloring of it. It looks very much like something my mom would make. And it’s got the homemade… it’s probably coming from a mold, but it’s still looks homemade. It looks like a painting. No, I got a little bit dry bit on there, but I’m blaming that on the microwave. Yeah. The sauce really seemed like it’s soaked into the meat itself. This is very seasoned. Very peppery. Mm. Whoa! You know what it tastes like? Lot of seasoning. It tastes like Thanksgiving stuffing. stuffing. You’re right. That’s absolutely right. Why does it taste like that? It could be some like, well, sometimes if there’s like celery powder or something- There’s celery powder. It gives you that exact- That’s exactly what it is, Polumbo. There’s also- Celery powder. There’s also a lot of salt, which I like. Well, there’s a lot of salt in all these I’m sure. That’s true. Do you ever use your last name to say like, I’m, Palumbo-ing the depths of this Salisbury steak? Oh, I should start doing that. Because I feel like you- Verb your name, man. you just did that. And you recognized the celery powder, we’re over here just like, grabbing celery straws. And you’re just like, it’s celery powder. All right, guys. I’m gonna Polumbo on outta here. Like that? You can use it however you want. It’s your name. You were saying like, palumb the depths? Yeah. Palumbo the depths? Oh sure! You’re still eating it. I’m gonna give this a three because it doesn’t… if I was blindfolded and you just shoved this in my mouth, I would never guess this is Salisbury steak. It doesn’t have any of that flavor to me. It’s almost over seasoned. Over seasoned for sure. I feel like it’s- Don’t let me sway you. I want like a pure beef flavor out of it. That’s kinda what I want. I’m going to a four. I’m going down to a four. All right. Fair enough. And I know you got to take all this into account with your own opinions. So far Stouffer’s, I mean, that was a good call. Eight off the bat. Can we bring the Stouffer’s back? I just need to make sure. Oh yeah. Oh, this is Banquets. See, I mean, look at it. It looks- Look at the texture in the Stouffer’s. This looks like something mama might have pattied up at home. Absolutely right. I’m gonna eat it again at the end, but I’m not gonna taste it yet. We’ll leave it right here for now. Leave it right. This is from who? This is Banquet’s. You know, I don’t know if I like the oval shape. Banquet’s is thinner, browner. Still got that gelatinous thing going on. Yeah. We’re back in Hungry-man territory for me. Different flavor profile but similar consistency. And the manufactured shape. It’s starting to feel like prison food. Yeah. Yeah. This got bad. Yeah. This gets slopped down on a tray in prison. Wham. A little bit of a mystery meat sort of vibe going too. You’re all innocent. I get it. I mean, it’s thin, the sauce is a little bit, I mean even more gelatinous. Yeah. This is bad. The coloring is bad. It’s too light. I have to give this- The color is alarming. I have to give this a one. A one? I’m going three. And I am getting another bite just to make sure I’m not crazy. Banquet. It’s too much of like a homogenous mixture that was made in like a… You know what I mean? Like this Stouffer’s has some terrain to it. It feels like beef. Yeah, it’s got some terrain. It’s got some terrain. So some Terwa. You gotta do some mouth hiking. He’s got the good words. Gotta do some mouth hiking. The thing is that when you write about food, Yeah. you have, I mean, we talk about food quite a bit, but we end up… I don’t necessarily think that we say a lot of sophisticated things about it, but when you’re writing you can’t just be like, Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um that’s good! You run out of words. That’s gotta get some terrain. That’s got terrain. Absolutely. I’m usually Googling synonyms for yummy. You’ve won. That all food writing is. This is easiest job in the world. Thesaurus.com out. But you hate that too, right? I don’t like it, no. I am looking for more something like Stouffer’s. Okay, this is good. This has got a nice- Is this our last one? Gravy! Oh, we got one more. This is Boston Market. Boston Market. Oh, Boston Market. Oh, sorry. You wanna eat my pinky? I stabbed you. Well, there’s two- And it wasn’t moving either. It was like, literally, just there. Well, I started going in without really looking and. There’s two patties. It’s like Smashburger style. That is, should I eat both of them at once? Very distinct flavor. Okay. I can’t say I like it yet, but their gravy, while not Salisbury-ish is pretty good gravy. It’s got a celery thing to it though. Well, that’s not bad for everyone. There is a little bit of… yeah. There’s like a little earthy taste. It’s not overly salted like the other one is though, which I like. This is definitely the closest, this is second place for me so far. This might be best gravy. Yeah, Possibly. I like the gravy. If you’re buying a Salisbury steak just to eat the gravy, if you’re like, mmmm, Oh but look at the coloring now that you just revealed it. I’m no, I just got this just for the gravy. Everything is the same color. That’s- Usually a bad sign. Yeah. That you’re not eating healthy. Hmm. Yeah. Guys, I’m not loving this. I don’t think this is better than a five. I think it’s a six. I think it’s it is not a nine. It’s not Stouffer’s. How do you guys feel about spam? Don’t like it. Surprisingly, as much as I like processed meat, like Vienna sausage, Mm hmm. I don’t like spam. Oh interesting. ‘Cause a lot of these are giving me sort of spammy sort of vibes. This is kind of spam-like. Yeah. It’s like came out, it’s the shape of the can. They mush together. That’s why I was saying it’s like meatloaf ’cause it’s formed. It’s mushed like a ground beef concoction. And then you just slather it in gravy. Yeah. This is made in a Frankenstein lab. Yeah. Right. It’s is all very processed. All right. Okay. Last one. And then we’re gonna go back to Stouffer’s. Yeah, absolutely. Obviously it’s winning. This is Lean Cuisine. I ate a lot of Lean Cuisine growing up. So did I, did you really? My mom would get a lot of Lean Cuisine and then I would go through my stuff and then I’d start going through her stuff. I would eat these with my mom. I was trying to lose some weight in maybe sophomore year of high school. And got on a good Lean Cuisine diet. And she would eat ’em with me. You and your mom were bonding over Lean Cuisine. Absolutely. This has mushrooms and onions on top or maybe just mushrooms. There’s actual things. What is that? See, I don’t. That’s an, is it a mushroom? It’s a mushroom. That’s a mushroom. That’s a mushroom? ‘Cause I had one already. I don’t think that a Salisbury steak needs mushrooms and onions to be a Salisbury steak, but it doesn’t disqualify it. Why not put some things on there? You know? It tastes like it would be good if they weren’t worried about your caloric intake. Yeah. You know what I’m saying? Like they left some key things out. Like salt. I was just about to say that. It really- Not enough salt. It needs salt, but the texture of the meat, you can even see. It’s a little crumbly. Yeah. They got the texture. That’s absolutely right. It’s not bad at all. I mean if you haven’t had the other ones to compare it to. Maybe if you dressed it up a little bit on your own, like you’re gonna have to add some salt to it, or maybe a little pepper or something, but- Season it up some more. Season it up. But the, the meat itself is not bad. I’ll give it a four. After all that, I’ll give it a four. I mean, it’s just not good. I’m also gonna give this one a six. It’s pretty, yeah. I think it’s a little bland. Well, let’s bring that Stouffer’s back in. I told y’all! It’s right here, baby. I remember for the Lean Cuisine, my mom would get a specific, little chicken tenders with this glaze on it. And then it was this really weird raw-ish shavings of string beans. Oh wow. Some people call green beans. They were like really shaved? We call ’em string beans. Right. Is that a Southern? Yeah, string beans is a Southern name. But they would shave the string beans and then it would be like shards of string bean and glazy chicken. Yeah. And I can’t remember what it was called. Never want, you never went shards of food. I loved it. I loved that. Come back to this boys because I’m not kidding you that I wanna move my score to a ten. Got it. Okay! It’s so much better, heads and shoulders above the rest. In my opinion. The texture, the thickness, the sauce and just the overall flavor. Yeah. It tastes like meat. Yeah. And as we have found, a lot of the other ones didn’t. No. So I mean, I think high marks. High marks for Stouffer’s Okay. So you’re gonna take… Do we have the box? what we just did. All right. We’ll just celebrate it. Stouffer’s. But you’re gonna take what we just did. Yeah. And you’re going to translate this into an article on Sporked because that’s what you do over there right? That’s right. I think I already did. Oh yeah. ‘Cause that’s how time works. Yeah, because it’s gonna come out today. Go over to Sporked.com and see how what we just experienced is presented in sporked form. Along with all the other things that you need to know that you should be buying at the grocery store. ‘Cause the whole point is, now when you’re like, I need some Salisbury steak. I want to go to the grocery store. There’s so many choices. Which one should I get? Well, you now know definitively you should get Stouffer’s don’t even worry about it. You don’t need to do the taste test yourself. ‘Cause we just did. When my wife goes out of town and takes the kids with her and she just says, you just need some time alone. I’m gonna go to the grocery store and I’m gonna buy this. This is what I’m gonna be eating all alone. It’s not sad at all. It’s reflecting on what my life will be like if my family comes back. Put that in your article. I absolutely will. That’s gonna go in there. That’s the great thing about Stouffer’s. Yeah. It makes you miss your family. It’s there for you when your family needs space. Hmm. Right? There it is. There’s a slogan! That’s it. That’s what I’m talking about. Super proud of the work that’s going on over there at Spork that enriches your life by giving you the stuff, giving the info that you need to buy the stuff that you need to enjoy because you deserve it. You don’t wanna be eating this other crap. That’s quite a tagline you just came up with there. Man. Thanks for being my tagline. Put that in your article, too. Put that in your article. Whenever we go over to Spork, that’s our catch phrase. We’ll say something about, put that in your article. Put that in your- I always say that when we’re tasting. I’m like, how come you aren’t writing this down? That was good. That was good. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Put that in your article. How come you aren’t writing this down, guys? No microwave? No problem. Go to Sporked.com for a ranking of the tastiest, crunchiest bagged popcorns you can buy.