Welcome to “Good Mythical More.” I think that we might need one of those forehead down cams. It’s like the guy who watches the train go by on TikTok, I think that’s where they got that, I think he made that famous. Oh, okay, okay. We are going to find the most acceptable vegan T-shirt to wear. We have a lot of them. But first, we’re going to donate $1,000 to Special Olympics to aid in their mission to provide year-round support, training, and athletic competition for children and adults with intellectual disabilities, giving them opportunities to develop physical fitness, demonstrate courage, and experience joy with their families, other special athletes, and the community. Please join us in giving at SpecialOlympics.org/donate. Okie dokie. I mean, let’s start with this one here. ‘Cause when you’re vegan, you want the world to read it on your chest, basically. Well, I mean, it’s a cause, you know what I’m saying? Well, especially when it’s like “Go vegan,” that’s certainly a cause. But choosing asparagus for your anagram- But I mean, you know about the seitan. Yeah, seitan is like a meat substitute. I think it’s fermented tofo… Tofo. Tofo. Tofu. It’s quite good. I just don’t think using asparagus to sell veganism is a good idea. Aren’t there plenty of vegans who don’t like asparagus? Yeah, but if you had to make a pentagram out of vegetables, what else are you gonna pick? You’re backed into a corner. That’s why this isn’t a great shirt. I mean, an asparagus is one of the- It’s not effective, I don’t think. Most uniform stalks of any… Name a more uniform stalk in plant form. Don’t say celery. Well, I would say carrots. Carrots are shaped like a cone, man. Like, asparagus is at the end. But it’s too hard at the bottom. I know, but- Yes. Name another stalk that’s that uniform. I’m gonna be here all day. Celery. No, celery’s not! You didn’t tell me not to say it. What’s a more uniform stalk than asparagus? Boba straws. Green beans? No, ’cause they’re a little bit curved. I mean, you could plumb a line… What do you call, plumb a- Yeah, plumb a line. You could plumb a line with asparagus, that’s what they used to do before they had the tools for it. Before they had string and a weight. So I’m pretty into this one, and I like the fact that it sort of appeals to this satanic panic thing, you know? Okay. I like that. That evens it out. “Not your mom, not your milk,” is- I like the graphics on it. It’s kind of… Like, it’s a little too angsty. I know, but I do think this is one of the vegan’s best points though is that, hey guys, listen, you’re drinking the milk of another animal, that’s just weird. You know what I’m saying? Until you taste it. Are you secretly the vegan creative director? I know. ‘Cause that’s how you’re approaching each T-shirt. I’m sympathetic to the cause. I’m sympathetic to this particular shirt, because I’ve been watching this guy on TikTok, he’s a farmer and he has a mustache, and he films himself- That narrows it down. And then these cows that are his cows just come up to him and just love him and snuggle with his face just like a dog does. Yeah, but you can be a vegetarian and drink milk. I mean, he’ll sit criss-cross applesauce and then this big cow with big horns will just come and lay its head in his lap and just close his eyes, and he’ll just start petting his jaws. Don’t tell me about those videos, man. It’s so cute. But you can maintain a friendship with a cow- “Not your mom, not your milk.” And still suckle it. But once you eat it, that’s pretty much friendship over. You know what I’m saying? Right. That’s why I just feel like if I was gonna go, I would go vegetarian before I would go vegan. All right, so like seitan better. Seitan stays. What about this one, Rhett? Oh, gosh. What does this say? This is a horrible T-shirt. “A vegan.” What does that say? “Earth’s unsung hero.” This is kind of tooting your own horn a little bit, isn’t it? Making yourself a super hero. Not only that, but when you come from where we come from, and you come from baptist youth groups from the ’90s, like it was- Yeah, this is very Christian bookstore. What we would do is we would take a popular thing, albeit a movie, a brand, music, and we would just do our version of it, and that was very much- Work Jesus into it. The Reese’s peanut butter. The Avengers would be A-jen-gers. Look up the Reese’s peanut butter T-shirt, Reese’s peanut butter, but it says “Jesus saves,” and it looks like the Reese’s peanut butter. Boy, we would do that just so unabashedly. I just think it’s- It gives me like- Ick? An ick. Gives you the ick. I don’t like it, I don’t like it! Oh, man, this is exhausting, holding up shirts. Why are they all black shirts? Why are they all black? “I don’t eat anything that poops.” Well, to get technical here, guys, are you telling me that plants don’t have a waste byproduct? They probably do something, right? Yeah, oxygen. Yeah, they poop oxygen. I don’t breathe in anything that poops. And does that mean you don’t eat crickets? “I don’t eat anything that poops,” is this efficacious? Look at that. “Sweet savior Jesus, king of kings.” Yeah, that one’s pretty… I had- That’s not the one you had. Did you? No, you didn’t have one. No, no, no. The only Christian T-shirt that I ever had besides one that was like Contact 88, the one you got saved at. I had that T-shirt forever. Yeah, man. And I was like, Link got saved at this. Cool. That Irish preacher. Oh, yeah. It took somebody coming from Ireland for you to get saved. Yep. It just took my parents telling me about it. Yeah. He came a long way, I had to give him something. There was one T-shirt that had a really muscular Jesus on it and it’s kind of gruesome, he’s on the cross, the cross is on his back, he’s got the crown of thorns, he’s bleeding, and he’s bench pressing and it says, “Bench press this.” Have y’all seen that? You actually wore that shirt? Yeah, I don’t know why. I was like, muscular Jesus is cool. Can y’all look that one up? “Bench press this” Jesus T-shirt. Yeah, ’cause it’s like the weight of the sins of the world, he was bench pressing the weight of the sins of the world. Okay, getting back to this one. Yep, that’s the one I had. “The Lord’s Gym.” You wore that? Now Stevie, would you wear that? “Bench press this.” I mean, maybe now. I mean, that’s pretty funny. Maybe now ironically, yes. Yeah. Yeah, I had that T-shirt. I think I got it for free, just full disclosure. At the Lord’s gym. Full disclosure. You had a Lord’s gym membership? The only one that I remember wearing was it was like something, something, something, when pigs fly. And it was a Christian shirt? Yes. ‘Cause you know, the demons were in the pigs, and they went over the cliff. But it was something about- I’ll have sex out of wedlock when pigs fly. Right, something like that. Sex out of wedlock, we called it premarital, that’s all we said, we didn’t say out of wedlock. Can you search when pigs fly… I feel like we’ve tried this before. We’ve searched this exact shirt? Christian T-shirt. When pigs fly, Christian T-shirt. I will say- There’s a few things coming up, so it’s a little tough. You know, if you didn’t grow up in that kind of culture, you missed out on a lot of cool T-shirts. But maybe vegan kids, their parents give them this stuff. Well, here’s an observation- I don’t like this logic here, this is almost like, I don’t have sex with anything that poops. It’s like, right, exactly. Elaborate. Well, you’re proving my point. I do have sex with things that poop. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it’s the same logic. But not premarital. But that’s not your standard, right? That’s not all it takes, because that’s a problem. Anything that moves, no, anything that poops. Anything breathing, nope. I was gonna say, these shirts, you can either be stating something about yourself or some of them are judgemental on the people who are reading them. It’s just something to consider. It’s just like a different approach to things. Right. The cow is like- Preachy. You who looks at me, I hate you and what you do, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is about me. When I wear this shirt, it’s about me. Well, no, it does say, “Go vegan.” Yeah, true. Okay, well, it’s got a nice little- It’s got an imperative. But it’s inviting you to hail seitan with other people. It’s still winning. Let’s see if this one will top it. Is this the Veggie Tails? “Vegans are evil. “Eat meat. “Don’t be mean to greens. “I have deep emotional feelings. “Potatoes.” So this has got a couple of layers to it. I need someone to explain it. This is called ironic. This is irony? You never think about vegetables and fruits like this. I’m confused, man. I don’t like it because the logo’s too low on the shirt. Yeah, the spacing’s not good. You’d look horrible in that shirt, you get a low logo- You want a high logo. Suddenly, you got a completely different body type. It’ll turn an apple into a pear in a heartbeat. “Don’t eat my homies.” Okay. A little heartstrings. This isn’t bad. This is a good design. This isn’t bad because of exactly what you were saying, you know, it’s just like, you see these people making friends- It says, “I don’t eat,” it doesn’t say don’t eat, so it’s not an imperative. Even better. I don’t eat my homies. This is just me, I don’t eat my homies. I’m friends with chickens, pigs, and cows. I also saw another video of a chicken and a dog chasing each other around a dog house ’cause they love each other. The chicken probably doesn’t love though. The chicken was having fun. The chicken was chasing the dog. I think you are anthro… What is the word you know I’m looking for. Anthropomorphizing, I can’t say it. Anthropomorphizing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The chicken? Yeah, yeah. They were having fun. It’s a bird, man, it’s not a mammal. If you put his head and draw a line, it’ll be frozen. Some people draw the line right here, right? They’re like, I’m not gonna eat pigs and cows, because they’re like super smart mammals, but this is a bird. It might as well fly into your mouth. I don’t eat anything that dookies. Yeah, I only eat things, if it poops, it’s gotta have a cloaca. Or if the poop is like pellets. Let’s make that a slogan. Like, I’ll eat rabbits, I’ll eat chickens, but I won’t eat something that dookies. I’ll have sex with anything with a cloaca. No, no! I don’t have sex with anything with a cloaca. No, you don’t. We’ll workshop it. But there are people who are like, I eat chicken, I eat fish, you know, ’cause it’s just like, their experience is different than these mammals. Okay. Let’s not think about it too much though. Yeah, this is a good design, and so this is kind of in the running. We’ll keep it around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This one’s funny though. And finally. Oh gosh, lots of words, that’s a demerit. “Hello, I am a vegan. “I know, quote, ‘you could never do that.’ “No, I don’t eat fish. “Yes, I get enough protein. “My B12 is fine, thank you. “It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle. “What do I eat? “Food.” This is a frequently asked questions. This is fed up vegan. “Plants are not sentient. “Yes, I am still a vegan.” So yeah, I think this is when you wear to like the vegan conference, because every other vegan has gotten all these questions, and they’re like yes, yes, yes, give me that shirt. Give it to me. I think this is good. What, there’s lowercase Is. Oh. Where? All throughout, I, I, I. Oh. Oh wow, okay. I wonder why. That changes everything. So grammar police versus vegan, who wins? I mean, you gotta imagine that little Venn diagram. I don’t get it. Vegans and people that have bad grammar, I would think that vegans would have great grammar. On average, probably better grammar, I would think. Oh yeah, why is that? Well, ’cause they’re really thinking about what they’re putting in their bodies. They’re thoughtful. Thoughtful folks. They’re full of thoughts about certain things. But it doesn’t mean they’re smarter. Well, I think that’s what Stevie’s saying is they probably are, and that’s probably true. I wanna defend this one for a second. I like that it educates, and it doesn’t demand anything of you, but it’s not catchy or humorous in any way. It’s very fed up. It’s like end of your rope vegan. Did you see the shirts they put on there? The holy trinity of condiments. I never saw these. “Catch up with Jesus.” Man, that could’ve you and me and a third friend. “Blessed from my head to-ma-toes.” “Matthew 17:20.” “Mustard seed faith.” All it takes is the size of a mustard seed to move mountains. Moves mountains. “Relish sweet Jesus. “Let’s exalt his name together.” I want all three of these. Oh, there’s four. Oh, no, don’t you do it. “Mayo light shine for Jesus.” Oh, no! “Spread it around.” Is there a fifth one? I bet you we can come up with it. What condiment are we missing? Sriracha. Chili. Sriracha accept Jesus as your savoir. What is sriracha supposed to mean in that? Sir, you ought-cha. Sir, you ought-cha accept Jesus. That’s pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was thinking about hot dogs, and on… On-yon gon accept Jesus? It’s onions. On-yon gon accept Jesus? There’s just an onion on the shirt? On-yon. Well, it’s a white tee. On-yon gon accept Jesus? If you missed “Good Mythical Evening” when we did it live, it doesn’t matter, you can still watch it on demand for a limited time at GoodMythicalEvening.com through September 5th.