Welcome to Good Mythical More. Where we are going to make the worst sentences ever written even worse. Yeah. It’s an official contest, and there’s a whole thing about this. I’m pretty fascinated. Well, you know what? Before we do that, let’s make things better. Great. Let’s donate $1,000 to Equal Justice Initiative to end mass incarceration and excessive punishment, to challenge racial and economic injustice, and to protect basic human rights for the most vulnerable people in American society. And you can join us in giving at EJI.org Thank you for being your Mythical best. So, this is an official contest. And I’m, and I think it’s pronounced the Lyttle Lytton Contest. L-Y-T-T-L-E L-Y-T-T-O-N. And basically you compete to write the worst first sentence of a novel. First sentence of a novel. Yeah. So, we’ve selected some submissions. Okay. And we’ve blanked out some words. And something tells me you’re gonna make them even worse than they actually are. Okay. Are these winners or just ones at random that you liked? Just random ones. Just ones that we liked. Random. Like this first one, New York in the 80s. Money was blank, but homies were blanker. Homies? Homies. New York in the 80s. 80s. Money was blank, but homies were blanker. Homies. Well, I know what it is. You know what it is? Yeah, yeah. How would you even know what it is? I mean, I know what makes sense, but that’s not what I’m gonna say. But I am gonna make it worse, I guarantee you that. Okay. All right. Well, shoot. If you know, you go first. I mean, it’s gotta be money was tight, but the homies were tighter, right? Oh. That’s good. I’m gonna make it worse, literally, in two different ways. Both grammatically and literally. Money was bad, but homies were badder. Badder. B-A-T-T-E-R maybe you should’ve done? Well, New York in the 80s, I kinda went in on that. Money was cocaine, but homies were cocainer. Ooh, that’s good. That’s good. Is he right? Cocainer. It was tight. It was tight, tighter. You were right. – And it’s by Jonas – Money was tight. How would you say that? Sjöqvist. Sjöqvist. Sjöqvist. Sjöq, Sjöq, Sjöq, Sjöqvist. Now, that’s supposed to be a bad start to a novel? Yeah, it’s not that bad. – The homies were tighter. – The homies were tighter. I kinda like that. I think we gotta go worse than that. This one, this one goes in a different direction, I’ll say. Okay. What do you think? I asked boss. but her lips were as blank blank as the edge of a/an blank. You’re a, it’s kind of clunky when you have to say a/an. Well, we wanted to just open up the world for you. What do you think? I asked capital B, boss, but her lips were as blank blank as the edge of a blank. Her lips were as. What? Cocaine. Edge. Edge. Is the edge of a. Boss. Okay. Lips were as, but her lips were as blank blank as the edge of a. Oh my gosh. This is a tough one. I think I have it. I don’t think I have it. And I don’t know if G D. is one word. But her lips were as G D crumbly as the edge of a canyon. You know how like when you get, you gotta really watch yourself when you get to the, it happens all the time. That’s three words. You get close to the edge of the Grand Canyon and it’s crumbly. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the people fall in and then they get on the news. Her lips were as G D crumbly. And I think about that every time I see a canyon, I’m like, that canyon’s probably got a crumbly edge, just like my boss’s lips. But I went with G D crumbly, which also sounds like a villain. G D crumbly. I thought that her lips were as plumply swollen. As the edge of a hematoma. Link! Which it, because it gets real swollen at the edge of a hematoma. Like. You’re both so close. You were really close, but it was, but her lips were as firmly crimped as the edge of an Uncrustable. Oh, yeah. Okay, that one’s bad. Firmly crimped? Adrian Dooley. What do you think I asked, boss? Is Adrian Dooley a person, a real person? Or is firmly crimped? Who knows. Or a pseudonym? G D crumbly. G D crumbly. Those G D crumbly canyon edges. You got to watch out, you got to wear the right shoes. Okay. The fan blew cold air, making her nipples as hard and aroused as the audiobook of blank blanks blank, blank made my mind. I think hard and aroused is, that’s a bit much. It’s redundant. The fan blew her cold air. Not her. No. The fan blew cold air making her nipples as hard and aroused as the audiobook of. Blank blank’s blank blank made mine, made my mind. What? As hard and aroused as the audiobook of blank blank’s blank blank made my mind. So it made this person’s mind hard and aroused? Yeah, that was confusing but. What? I do believe there’s an audiobook that made this person’s mind hard. And aroused. Okay. I’m kind of just speaking for myself on this one. Not for anybody else. You know, if your nipples get hard from cold air, that doesn’t mean you’re aroused. Like, cause then you could arouse someone with cold air. Right, right. Your nipples get hard when it’s cold, your nipples get hard when you’re aroused, but it’s two different causes. They don’t know science or literature. Right. Because if that was the case, those, like, pick up artists would have, like, cold air cannons. You know what I’m saying? They would have, like, cold air cannons. You know, if you take one of those air things and you turn it upside down and spray it, it’ll be, it’s really cold. We might be able to engineer one of those. Yeah, maybe a cold. I don’t want people spraying cold air on ladies, though, to try to pick them up. I don’t want that. Just, you heard it here, I don’t stand for that. Okay? If that starts happening, you know that we’re against it. The fan blew cold air, making her nipples as hard and aroused as the audiobook of Tim Burton’s autobiography notes made my mind. Oh, my God, Link. We are so on the same page here. And I, again, I’m speaking for myself, hard and aroused as the audiobook of Benjamin Franklin’s unabridged autobiography. Oh wow, we both, we both went with an. Which is really tantalizing. Why did we both go with an autobiography? That’s weird. That’s weird. I mean, you’re circling all around it. Karl Marx’s Communist Manifesto. Yes, hard and aroused. Lydia Ruth, you’re. Does Karl Marx read the book? Cause I don’t, I’m not going to listen if he doesn’t. I don’t understand the assignment, I don’t think. If it’s not Marx’s voice, I’m not listening. I didn’t like this one. That was dumb. The night Gilbert left her, Lily paced around the room in circles, like a lonely car on a moonlit blank, blank, blank. The night Gilbert left her, Lily paced around the room in circles like a lonely car, a lonely car? On a moonlit blank, blank, blank. Okay, okay, okay. Moonlit. Gilbert left her. Lily paced around the room in circles. in circles. Like a lonely car on a moonlit. I think I might have gotten this one. I think I might have stumbled my way into this one. You think you have the right answer? I’d put it very, very, very likely. Like a lonely car on a moonlit Gilbert, Lily. Those are good names for a book, for a romance. The night Gilbert left her, Lily paced around the room in circles like a lonely car on a moonlit race car track yesterday. Cause I didn’t have a third. I didn’t have a third word. So I just added yesterday. Yesterday’s always a good way. But a race car track, you do go in circles. Yeah. Like I said, I think I got this one. Like a lonely car on a moonlit G D crumbly canyon. G D. Link, you are close. It’s Hot Wheels track. Hot Wheels track, Link! Like a lonely car on a moonlit Hot Wheel’s track. Oh, and that’s just from Hana? Just Hana, you know. Just a single name, Hana. None of these are winners. Hot Wheels track. Well, I like this next one. Okay. Sadly, Jim blanked his blank; it obviously wasn’t welcome here. Okay, okay. Blanked his blank. It obviously wasn’t welcome here. Okay. It obviously wasn’t welcome here. Okay. Jim blanked his blank. Okay. It can only be one of two things. Okay. You ready? Wasn’t welcome here. You wanna go first? Yeah, sure. Sadly, Jim grazed his tallywacker. It obviously wasn’t welcome here. Yeah, it doesn’t make sense, though. I mean, it might make sense. Sadly. What doesn’t make sense about that? Like what? The first, the second part doesn’t follow. It obviously wasn’t welcome here doesn’t follow grazed his tallywacker. Now, expose his tallywacker. No, no, no, no. He was entering into, it was like a, it was some kind of thing that is basically kind of like the things that, are you tall enough to ride the ride at the place? But it’s something that is, if your tallywacker grazes this thing, you’re not welcome here. See, yeah. It makes sense now that you. It’s a horizontal thing that you walk through and if your tallywacker grazes it, you’re not welcome here. Right. That’s what it’s talking about, right? No. I mean, sadly, Jim deflated his date. It obviously wasn’t welcome here. Oh. Get it? Deflated his date? Yeah, because his date is inflatable. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he was with a sex doll in public. Got it. Can’t have those at Hoot’s Wings. Then he had to deflate it. He deflated. You could have those at Hooters, but you can’t have them at Hoots Wings. It. His date. It. Yeah. Sadly, Jim retracted his penis. Grazed his tallywacker? – Retracted his penis? – So he was like a robot. Retract. I’d like to, I’d like to retract. Retracted. I mean, I don’t really have that power. Is that something? No, I don’t think most people do. I think Jim has a retractable penis. Okay. I think this is an Inspector Gadget situation. It’s a sci-fi thing. Okay, that’s cool. A book with that as the first line? Think about that for a second. Yeah, that would be a crazy book. I want to read the rest of it. Yeah, Alex Burleson. Get to work. Write the rest of that book. Sadly, Jim retracted his penis. It obviously wasn’t welcome here. Okay. She was fair and young, like a ball of blank, blank, blank. There’s a bunch of like, you know, people just want to go with the, you know, what’s that called? Assembly? Don’t say G D crumbly canyon. Don’t say G D crumbly canyon. G D crumbly canyon. It fits. It makes sense. Like a. You want to put it so bad, don’t. A ball of what is fair and young? – Fair and young. – Fair and young. Okay. Okay. A ball of it. A ball of something that’s fair and young. Fair. It’s fair, but it’s also young. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m trying really hard. Okay. All right. I’m gonna, I’m taking a Q from you. Okay. I really went with, you know, fair and young. Fair and young is a. Like a ball. A country artist. Like a ball of frozen embryos yesterday. Yeah, because they’re young. They’re from yesterday. Yeah, and I couldn’t think of another word. I almost put crumbly, but I decided not to. She was fair and young, like a ball of fresh referee panties. Oh God. What? Like, they’re fresh, they’re young, they’re fair because they’re referee. And they’re panties because you can, you ball them up. She was fair and young like a ball of fresh referee panties. That would be, I’d read that book. Yeah, I’m tuning in for the next sentence. She was fair and young, like a ball of fresh mozzarella cheese. I said fresh! Yep, and that’s Stephanie Byers? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m a big fan. I said fresh, how did that even happen? Like a ball of fresh? Mozzarella cheese. Cause, cause mozzarella is a young cheese. It’s so young, you can eat it right after you make it. But, but. You don’t have to age it at all. But how is it, how is mozzarella cheese fair? Like the color. It’s white. Oh, white. It’s white. Because a referee is more fair than mozzarella. Alright. Okay, last one. Another murder. I hate these crimes, said Inspector Jack Slaten. He hated them even more than he hated blank blank. Another murder. I hate these crimes, said Inspector Jack Slaten. He hated them even more than he hated. What did Jack hate the most? Well, he hates murders. Well, yeah, what did he hate second most? Okay. You’re not gonna take referee panties, are you? No, but I’m going with logic. He hated them even more than, we know he hates murder. He hates crimes. He hates crimes. He hates crimes even more than he hates something else that he almost hates as much as crime. Almost as much as he hates murders. Right. Yep. I’m all over this one. I think you’ll get it too. I think I’m going to get, he hated them even more than he hated. Jack Slaten, Inspector Jack Slaten. I feel so defeated right now. I’m just staring at these two blanks. Hey, I’ll tell you one thing. I’ll tell you what I didn’t use on this round. What? I didn’t use G D crumbly on this round. You didn’t? All right, let me make my blank short. And you know the arch nemesis of Jack Slaten is G D crumbly. Everybody knows that. I just feel like he hates infected hangnails. I don’t know. I mean, that’s a horrible. No, no, no, no. Another murder. I hate these crimes, said Inspector Jack Slaten. He hated them even more than he hated attempted murders. Oh, yes. Yes. There you go. Yeah. That’s it, right? Another murder. I hate these crimes, said Inspector Jack Slaten. He hated them even more than he hated other crimes. Oh, including. Yes, you pretty much had it. Attempted murders. I’m gonna go retract my penis. Don’t miss your chance to grab June’s Pin of the Month, available today only at mythical.com