What are the absolute best and worst kinds of public restrooms? Welcome to “Good Mythical More.” Sometimes – Let’s get into it, man. You’re out in public and it just hits you and you’re like oh man, I wish I was at home. Gotta go. I wish I was at my place. Where I have the toilet seat of my dreams and the perfect TP. But nope. I’m out. I gotta go at this gas station. I got to go to the… I went out to brunch the other day. And I was having a wonderful brunch. Okay. And then it hit me. I gotta use the bathroom. I don’t want to use the bathroom in this restaurant, but I got to ’cause we’re not going back home. And those are the worst days. It ruins your day. You gotta time it. It ruins your days. Normally I’m totally on top of that. So what happened? I went to the bathroom for a lot longer than anyone wanted me to. Including myself. Was there a line when you came out? Nope. The good news is there was hardly anybody at the restaurant. Okay. And it wasn’t because of me. We’re gonna rank these. Brunch spot is currently at the number one slot. Yeah. Rhett’s brunch spot. Gas station restrooms. We got some details about this scenario. You have to assume that this is completely subpar. People just feel like they can do anything they want with a. A gas station restroom. Unless it’s a really big gas station. Truck stop situation. Like a Buc-ee’s? Yeah. Well a Buc-ee’s is like a palace, but I’m just saying like where they prioritize. Yeah, like I mean if there are showers for truckers that’s a different thing. Let not consider that for this particular item. I’ll tell you, these bathrooms that you access from the outside. From outside. People feel like, they feel like they might as well be in the woods. That is trouble. These are always bad. You gotta access the restroom from the inside in order to have any control at all. I do not know how, I mean I’m just, I’m continually baffled by how much stuff can get on the walls of a public restroom. I don’t know. How does that happen? I don’t know. How does that happen? I don’t understand. Are you. Talking about pee? No. No. You’re talking about the other thing? Yes. You go into a men’s gas station bathroom – Okay, I don’t know if we’ve experienced this. You got dookies all over the wall. Y’all don’t know about this? What? I don’t know how, but it happens. Why do you guys do that? I have no idea. I guess because they assume the next guy’s gonna powerwash it off with his hose. I mean – I’ve been tempted. I think there are some guys who think you’re supposed to stand up for all of the bathroom kinds. Not to be too crass – Bend over and rotate. But have you ever seen a number two in a urinal? No. No. Oh I’ve seen that on more than one occasion. I bet you they were all public restrooms. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. Well they weren’t at home. I mean I bet you they were all gas station. I mean I’m telling you, sometimes us guys got it tough. You got a urinal at your house, Carney? No, you asked me if it was a public bathroom and I was like yeah, it was a urinal, yeah. Okay. Gas station gets pretty bad. Wait, so you’re telling me – Dookie on the walls, yes. But – Streaks. From the butt, yes. But. Yup, from the butt. Yup. But like, do you feel as if the attempt was made in the general direction? Or this is just anything? I think it was like an artistic endeavor. I don’t know. I think it – I honestly don’t know how it happens. But this happens to you often. It doesn’t happen to me. I don’t do it. Well I mean you’ve seen this – Streaks, yes. Often. You would expect it. I’d say if us guys go into a public restroom on a gas station, there is a 30% chance there will be at least a dollop of dookie on the wall. Oh my god! He’s right. It’s so scary. I don’t know. Especially this scenario right here. Wow. It’s crazy. I don’t know. It’s tough. It’s tough being a guy. It’s as if you were doing a deuce, and then the whole place got inverted, and then your hands were down there and then you had to crawl your way out. Yeah, I never understand it. Like the door’s up there. I just don’t understand ’cause – That’s what it was like. It’s usually a splatter. Well that’s different. Streaks are different than splatter. I don’t understand the streaks. I can understand a little bit of splatter. Let’s move on. You said dollop. Didn’t you say dollop earlier? You shouldn’t have said dollop. Sometimes it happens. Shouldn’t have said a dollop. I mean it could be a small dollop. Okay, so this is pretty bad. That’s the worst. Pretty bad. It’s not gonna get any worse. Airplane. Oh gosh, this is bad. I like an airplane bathroom. Heavy turbulence though? I don’t like that. Why do you like an airplane bathroom? Why do you like that? ‘Cause it involves getting up and moving a little bit. It gives you something to do. Gives you something to do. Riddle me this though ’cause this is a unisex situation and I don’t ever recall going into an airplane bathroom and having poop dollops on the wall. The people who do the stuff in the gas stations that we’re talking about, they don’t fly. Yeah. Ah, okay. I don’t think they’ve been on planes. That’s what we’re saying. Okay okay okay, got it. I don’t think they’ve been on planes. I mean the bad thing about this is. When you wash your hands and then you want to get rid of that. And you want to put it in the trash can. And there’s that hinge door and you have to push that door open. And then put the trash under. And you end up making contact with the door or other people’s trash. And other people’s trash. I hate that. I like that part. Like can it have a handle on it or something? It feels like I’m bonding with the rest of the passengers. That’s the worst part of this to me. I’ve never pooped in an airplane I don’t think. I really don’t. Really? Maybe once. Whoa, you gotta do it. But you gotta make sure you don’t have a full seal when you’ve pressed the flush ’cause it’ll pull your rectum right out. Oh god. Yeah, you want to stand up, close the lid, and then flush it. You don’t wanna be sitting on it when that thing flushes. As long as there’s a gap of air it won’t hurt you. I’m gonna disagree and say you don’t need to do it. Why would you need to do it? He’s never done it, why would you – Because the only way – Never fried an egg either. The only way to get your poop on like a farm in Wisconsin is for you to dookie on a plane ’cause as soon as it hits that thing it goes out into the atmosphere and falls down. Yeah. Yeah. No. Yeah. I like an airplane bathroom. Hold on, PSA that we probably said already on this show. Yeah. And especially it applies in the airplane. You put the seat, you go. You wipe whatever. You put the seat down. Yeah. You flush. ‘Cause that is a powerful flush. Yes. That’s what I’m saying. If you don’t put the seat down all of your particles are flying all over the walls. Yeah. All over everything. The reason I put the seat down is ’cause I’m scared of it. It’s so loud. Well that too, but like, this is a practice people need to do in everyday life as well. You don’t close your seat. Your toothbrush is in the same room. You got poop on your toothbrush. There’s a fun name for those particles. It’s called the fecal plume. Well, don’t plume me. That’s fun. Yeah, fecal plume. Porta potties have got to be worse than a gas station. Oh god. Unless it’s a brand new one. Yeah, but that’s not what it is. But let’s go with. Crowded music festival? Hot crowded music festival. These are the worst I mean ’cause it’s cooking, it’s baking down there, and it’s wafting. Thank God that they’ve made the urinal thing standard. So. But then you hear it going down the water slide and landing in the – Like there’s a urinal over here and then it has a tube and it goes and you’re just like going in the urinal. You’re not even looking at the. At the toilet seat. I mean – This is awful. It’s just so bad when you open that toilet seat up and you can see everybody else’s contributions. It is the worst ever. It’s worse than a gas station. You know what’s worse than this? And I don’t know if this is an option. National park… Vault? Vault toilets. Oh, the little huts? Yeah, it’s like they haven’t changed it in weeks and like there’s flies in there and you can’t, like – They’re not worse because the vault is deeper than this. No, but you go like, it stinks so bad sometimes. Something about, there’s just something about the way that the smell is trapped. It’s not worse than a porta potty though. I think it depends on how recently it was cleaned. But this is the worst by far. That applies to both of them. There’s more room. In the hut. I mean I’ve had some good huts and some bad huts. I hate this. That time that we were surviving the apocalypse. And it was so hot outside, and there was one porta potty, and it was on the top of a steep hill. Yeah, that was awful for you. And it was so hot. Yeah, Link knew that was gonna happen so he got sick and didn’t show up. Yeah, I was out that day. Gym locker room. I mean this isn’t great, but it’s – Everybody sees you right? These are just toilets just out? I’ve never been in a gym. Toilets out? It’s not a jail. What are you talking about? Okay. This is how they describe it. “Air thick with moisture, naked people everywhere.” There’s no problem here. I mean everybody’s typically trying to get clean and get presentable. This is okay. The reason I don’t mind this is because it’s in close proximity to a shower. Right. And it’s great to be able to take a shower right after a public restroom bathroom situation. This reminds me of something that happened to me when I was in college. This is, I told this story like. Pre-GMM. It was one of my most embarrassing stories. I’ll tell the truncated version here as best as I can remember it. But they had lockers on both sides, and then they had one bench in the middle. And me and my friend Newkirk, we worked out every day. He replaced old Kirk. You were out for that summer. And Newkirk and I would go, we’d work out, and then we would take a shower, and then we would go eat Chinese food. Yeah, same thing. And so you wanted to take that shower, so we’re like you know what, we can take a shower here. We don’t have to go back to our dorm rooms. Yeah. We can do this. Be a big boy. But then whenever you’re not actually showering you don’t wanna be walking around naked. We didn’t do that, so we’d have the towel wrapped around us. And as I knew and then said later, the moment of nakedness should always be minimized. So I would always try to like keep my towel on and do like a surfer change where I would pull my underwear up. But sometimes it wouldn’t work out quite right and I remember that I bent over. I’m pretty sure, if I had a towel it fell. Okay. But I might not, I might have thrown the towel, and then I grabbed the underwear and I bent over to put my underwear on. And when I bent over I felt my ass cheeks press up against something. And it wasn’t a locker. And. It was a bit, it was moist. Yeah. And. Fleshy. And so I whoop, and I stood back up, and I turn around. And there was an old professor sitting on the bench behind me. Facing away, thank God. And I had planted my butt cheeks squarely on his back. And just like sat my bare ass on his back. Did you not know he was there? No, I didn’t know he was there. He like scooched in and sat down when I wasn’t looking at him. Sneaky. And I ran around the corner and put my clothes on. Oh, you didn’t finish. I finished around the corner. Did he say anything? Never talked to him. He wasn’t your professor though. No. Yeah, that would’ve been bad. But he was, he had a moist back. Yeah, he probably went and showered again after that. He was very sweaty. So things can happen, but this is still all right. But it’s pretty good. It’s pretty good. It’s still good. Yeah. Okay guys. My yard accompanied by my dogs. You taken a dump there yet? Nope. I haven’t. But I have the tools to clean it up. I’ve got like the pooper scooper if I needed to. I mean if it was an absolute emergency I would rather poop in my yard than try to run back in the house. That’s – What situation would that be? I mean if it was a real emergency! I’ve never had to poop so bad that I couldn’t get into the house. If that happens I’m pooping in my pants. It hasn’t happened to me. This is not my yard, but that’s very reminiscent of it. It’s very reminiscent of it. This is great. This is the best place. Come over. Come over. I’m not gonna pee in your yard. I just, I’m not going to. All right, fine. Now that it’s raining though it is washing it all away, so I guess you can start fresh. Oh, coffee shop. Coffee shop bathroom – With broken lock? Oh God! Door doesn’t full lock. Oh God, this. The idea of someone barging in when I’m doing a number two, that might be one of my worst fears. And you know a coffee shop is gonna, it triggers people physically, you know? I mean there was one time I took a dump with my leg up against the door in a smaller bathroom. ‘Cause I was like – An advantage of being tall. I was like there’s no way anybody’s gonna come in on me doing this. I mean that’s gotta be the worst, right? So you can poop with one leg up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. With pressure? I’ve actually done it ever since. You can apply pressure, so that half of your rectum is kind of stretched and tight? I didn’t think about it that much. It just happened. You think this is a crazy choice? Did it come out a weird shape when you did that? It depends on the… ‘Cause like if it is a really frickin’ hot desert day in a pre-used porta potty, and you have to go, like, then no, I disagree. Absolutely not. What about a crowded coffee shop? You gotta do number two and you got people lining up trying to come in there. I think you just tell the person waiting in line right behind you the door doesn’t lock. Don’t come in. Guys, come on. Rhett, wake up. Listen. What if it’s in a prison? This is the best place to have a, I mean I know the door’s unlocked. Broken lock! It’s traumatizing! Without the broken lock this is the best place. I mean if I’m doing a long road trip, and I gotta let the family use the bathroom, instead of going to a gas station we go to Starbucks. Well – It’s a lot cleaner. If the lock works it’s a great spot. If the lock works it’s the best place. But the lock doesn’t work. Just post somebody up outside. “Hey, the lock’s broken.” That’s why you have kids. I’m saying what if you’re by yourself – If you’re not a farmer. And there’s a language barrier. Okay, worst case scenario. Just constantly say I’m pooping in here! I’m pooping in here! Or occupied, occupied, occupied. Just constantly make noise. Take your sock off and put it on the door on the outside. You don’t know when somebody like you is gonna come to the door. The person that knocks and opens the door at the same time. How’d you come up with that? Take your sock off? You know. Make a little flag. Like the dorm room, like that’s a thing, right? I have surrendered myself to this bathroom. Hold on, that’s a – That’s a roommate thing. If you need privacy? Yeah. Oh. I never needed privacy. Sock on the doorknob. Sock on the doorknob. Never needed privacy. And then really no one’s touching that bathroom handle. If your sock’s on it. That’s a good point. Friend’s house. Friend’s house. This is, just depends on the friend. They didn’t clean beforehand, it’s kinda gross in there. This is still, this is better. A home bathroom though. That might be better than Link’s yard. I think this is better than my yard. I think this is. I think this is it. But can I just add a little bit to the rant here? How do I say this? Um. Use the brush. Use the brush, guys. And I’m talking about here at the office. I’m talking to y’all. Use the brush okay? There’s a brush beside the toilet. When you’re done, when everything’s done. Look at if you left any evidence. Yeah. Just see if there’s anything that you’ve done. Don’t start thinking about the next thing that you gotta do. Right. ‘Cause the thing you gotta do when you get through doo-dooing. Is you gotta make sure there’s no doo-doo left. It’s like camping. Leave no trace. That’s the thing you’ve got to do. So the next time you’re doo-dooing you can sing yourself a little song. ♪ When I doo-doo I think about what I’m gonna do next ♪ ♪ What I’m gonna do before I go and do something else ♪ ♪ I’m gonna look into the toilet ♪ ♪ I’m gonna see if any doo-doo’s left in there ♪ ♪ And if there is, I’m gonna grab the brush ♪ ♪ And I’m gonna give it a little swish ♪ ♪ Swish, swish, flush ♪ ♪ And then I’ll go do what’s next ♪ But when you flush. Leave the brush in there, and then let the flush wash the brush. Oh. Tips. And then put the brush back. And then wash your hands. Yep, and then spray a little. Look back at it, all right? See what you’ve done. Yup. See what you’ve done, and see if there’s any trace. Use the brush! You guys don’t have to worry about that in the women’s restroom? Now I’m gonna admit something here. Oh, I guess we do have, yeah. I’m gonna admit something. For a while, if I noticed that there was a remnant. Of any sort, any evidence in there. Here’s what I would do because I would – Take a picture. I would take. Put it on Slack. I would take the toilet paper. And I would take about four squares, I’d fold ’em over like this. And then I would just lay that over it. And then I realized this is stupid and crazy. So that the next person would have to pee or poop on my toilet paper that’s floating there so that they wouldn’t see there was streaks underneath. Oh, you did an X but… I did a V. I did a V of toilet paper that would keep you from seeing anything. When you went back in there. For the next person. Instead of using the brush ’cause I was afraid to touch the brush. The brush was very gross to me. I don’t like the idea of touching the brush handle. How do you overcome that? The good of everyone else. Yeah. And I was like you know what? I’m gonna wash my hands after this. I’m just gonna touch this brush. And if I want to make a V and put it around the brush handle I could do that. Put a V around the brush. But what I was doing was just kind of. Wild and weird and not wonderful. Yeah, it is odd. So. ‘Cause it was doing nothing except creating a visual barrier. Right. For someone else. But it’s better to look at that than to look at someone else’s streaks. ‘Cause the thing with the brush handle is that everyone who grabs that brush handle is, it’s at the worst time to touch something. Well yeah, but you’re gonna wash your hands real good after that. I just don’t love thinking about it. But I thought about it a lot. But I overcame it and I use the brush. Good. I would also do that at home. ‘Cause I was afraid of my own brush. Oh really? Yeah. Doing it at home too. Yep, I would do it at home. But now I’m a proud brush user. And I think everyone should be. Also, when you leave the restroom here? Don’t shut the door behind you! Don’t do that! Yeah. If you work in any office environment and you’re using the bathroom, don’t force people to think that there’s somebody in there to have an awkward knock to nobody! Knock to nobody. There’s nothing worse than a knock to nobody. Knocking and waiting. And for me I wait 17 seconds. I knock and then I’d start, and I look away, and I turn the handle and I start going in. No, you knock, you, this is how quickly you do it. Knock knock turn. Knock knock look away turn. What? ‘Cause that way if they’re like oh I’m in here I’m like sorry and I was never looking. How about knock knock wait three seconds? I ain’t got time for that. You got two seconds. Don’t latch the door behind you. If it stinks in there, it needs to come out a little bit. There needs to be air flow. Also, I say – The vent will stay on and more air will go in the door! It won’t stay on. I think you should leave the, I don’t care, we’ll pay for it, leave the light and the fan on in the bathroom. Yes. Leave the light and the fan on. Just leave it on! And just leave the door open, just leave a crack that far. Leave it cracked and leave the fan on. All day the fan should be going. Brush – Burn it up, we’ll replace it. Burn it up! I will say if I were to think about every time someone has knocked on the bathroom door while I’ve been in it, I would say nine out of the 10 times it’s happened to me it’s been Link. Because I’m convinced – Oh, Chase agrees. So I think you – I do agree. Oh, we have more agreeing back here. Yeah, he’s always knocking on the bathroom when I’m in there. So how does that happen? It’s always Link? I’ll tell you, because people! Close the door after they leave the bathroom! And there’s nobody in there! And people are like oh, the door’s shut, somebody’s in there, and I’m like well I’ve learned. That it’s not, so I’m the one who knocks. I am the one who knocks. 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