Good Mythical Weekend. We all love a little bit of petty revenge, but how petty is too petty? This is Petty Revenge Court. Good morning, everyone. I am here to hear real stories of petty revenge as shared on the internet. In each case, the defendant will share their story and then a mythical prosecutor and defense attorney will make the case as to why the petty revenge was justified. Or not. And with that, court is now in session. All rise. Petty Revenge Court with the Honorable Judge Rachel is now in session. Sit down. You may be seated. Our first case comes from our Reddit user, Mrs. Irie-Shiz-1956. Hello, Mrs. Irie. Hello. Now, before you tell us what you’ve done, you may first select your defense attorney out of two decorated lawyers here. The other will be prosecuting you. I guess I’ll have the lady, Addie. Go right ahead. Thank you. Go right ahead. I’m so scared. I got you, nothing to be scared about, I’m here. I have a black belt in karate. Now, Mrs. Irie, please, tell the court about your case of petty revenge. My honor. Ten years ago, I was living with this guy and I kept my prescriptions in a basket on the counter. I noticed that my Valium was low, even though I had just had it filled. So I went and I got a refill and the next day it was Suddenly, it was low again. Now, for the record, I didn’t, I hadn’t had any. It’s not like I’m downing my pills. Mm. Mm hmm. I found out the guy that I was living with was supplying all of his buddies with my Valium. Mm. So, I did what anybody else would do. I got a bottle of Ducalox laxative pills and replaced the Valium with it and hid the real stuff. Needless to say, he and his buddies came down with a bad case of the flu, and it was, it was funny to see all of them running to the bathroom at the funeral home when his mom passed. I kept the Valium bottle filled with Ducalox until the day I moved out and left it there. Wow. But wouldn’t anybody? Wow. Well, we’ll, we’ll save the judgment for someone else. Um. The prosecution may go ahead and state their case. Thank you, Yonah. Whoo, boy, is it hot in this courtroom. Hotter than a jackrabbit in a crawdad hat, I tell you what. Ya’ll, did get, Y’all, did get that peach cobbler my wife sent over. Try it with a scoop of gumbo. I haven’t gotten the gumbo peach cobbler gumbo. Well, look in your mailbox, I swear to God, my wife shove that gumbo right in your mailbox. Anyway, on to this degenerate that sits next to me, this drug addict degenerate who took out her rage on a bunch of poor unfortunate boys who just wanted to get messed up on pills and go to a funeral. I mean, who among us hasn’t gotten messed up on a handful of pills and gone to a funeral in order to honor our dead loved ones? And then maybe we go to see a movie, cause it’s fun to see a movie when you’re messed up on pills. Your honor, I think that this woman acted maliciously, And I feel that she stomped down on some of our most delicate and vulnerable citizens. Boys who just want to get messed up on pills. I’ll rest my case. Unless I have to say something later. And thank you so much to the prosecution. Uh, now the defense may go ahead. Absolutely. Hello. I’m going to start by pretty much just completely ignoring everything that the prosecution said because I think not only is it relevant to the case, I don’t think this is even relevant to being petty. The only thing that my client is guilty of is being a genius. This was ten years ago, mind you. This was not the year 2025. No, this was 2015. And the year 2015 was, uh, for a woman. For a woman who is suffering with mental health, who is going through leaps and bounds, going through hoops to get her prescription from her doctor, my client is doing everything by the book to protect her mental health during a time where all she is expecting to do is, is, is to, oh, clean the house, perhaps, take care of a partner, living with a partner, and she wants to take care of herself, and you’re telling me that someone’s going to come in, not only steal her drugs, sell them. Make a profit. No kickback to my client whatsoever. We know that in the long history of women that oftentimes the only way we can find justice is through poison. Okay. And we know that if you are going to say that she is petty, then you better go down the whole historic line of every woman who had the audacity to try to enact some kind of justice in an unjust world for the female folk. I think Miss Irie is far from Betty. I think she’s an inspiration and she inspires me every day. Okay. And it is hot in here. Well that we can agree on. That’s right. I’m not, I’m not, hey look, I’m not a loose cannon. I’m not crazy here. I just want the facts to be facts. Well thank you so much to the defense. You’re welcome. Now, before I make my final decision, uh, Mrs. Irie, do you have any final remarks? Plenty of remarks. Um, I’ll start by saying I’m not a degenerate. I don’t even know how to…. Hey! Come on! Objection! Sustained prosecution. Let’s keep it together. I think this is normal. Normal thing to do. Okay, whatever. Don’t be slapping stuff in my courtroom. How could I be a degenerate when I can’t even spell degenerate? Hmm. I am simply, as my lawyer was making the case, I’m trying to trailblaze a path. Mm. For women. Mm. Look at the political climate that we’re in. You know, women are having to face challenges at every corner. And in this case, I did not even receive a fraction of the profits? I just want to, just to reiterate that these men could have easily, easily avoided this whole thing if they had not decided to steal, cheat, lie. Everyone knows that you should only take the pills that a doctor has given to you. And if you decide to take medication not from a doctor, anything that happens is 100 percent your fault and your responsibility. This isn’t even funny, I think this is just actually true. Okay, and thank you so much to the defense, Addy. And thank you to the defendant, and thank you to the prosecution. You’re welcome. I believe the name was Mr. Thorn Warp? Oh yeah, I had a funny name I prepared. It’s Thurston Beignet III. Ah, I’m so sorry. Mr. Thurston Beignet III. I didn’t get to introduce myself, but I’m doing it now. Thurston Beignet III. As they always say in the courtroom, it’s better late than never. Ahem. Is that a court, that’s a court saying? It’s, it’s a court saying. It’s from, it’s from This girl. Statue of Justice? Yes, exactly. I went to law school. I never heard that. I don’t care. Well, I also went to law school, and I heard a lot about her. Hello. Now, listen. I’m ready to make my judgment. Mrs. Irie Shiz 1956. Present. For the charge of egregious. Pettiness. I find the defendant Guilty! Guilty! Okay? Yes. Yes. Okay. That’s between me and my journal at night. Oh. I like a judge who keeps her reasoning under wraps. No need to explain yourself, Your Honor. Just for me. So, Mrs. Irie Shiz 1956, you are hereby sentenced to a life sentence. Sentence in petty jail and you will forever be known as a petty Betty, go ahead. I’m very mad. I’m really mad. Go ahead. No, I’m sorry. No, we’re done. Okay, we’re splitting ways. You are still an inspiration to me. Next case, we got a lot of cases today. Now it’s time for the next case of petty revenge as shared online by reddit user tree test pass. Tree, before you tell us what you’ve done, you may choose your defense attorney. Either last case’s reigning champion or newcomer, Leonard. I’m gonna have to go with Leonard. He seems like he has a nice strength to him that I might need in this case. Absolutely. Thank you. Alright, very good. Good handshake start. Okay, now Tree. Tell us what you’ve done. Your Honor, if I may, I’d love to tell you a bit about what I’ve done. A few years ago, um, a guy, uh, that I, you know, I work with, uh, he made me mad, right? And I overheard him talking [bleep] about me, uh, so I went looking, you know, for some info about him online, you know, as anybody in here would do. I found, and what I, what I found, and I’ll tell you what I found. It was an outstanding lawsuit for $5,000 against him on a county court website, okay? So I went online, I found the lawsuit. So I found the law firm suing him. Used the contact us page and referenced their own case number with his new address and phone number. So I found the lawsuit, I found the case, and then I, right? Uh huh. It must have worked. Because, um, he started delivering pizzas on the side, you know, shortly after. Basically, I sent a law firm my co worker’s contact info so he could be served on an old lawsuit. So basically, I found him, I found the case, and then I found the lawsuit, and then I gave it to him so he could, he had to pay. Okay, and I think I got that. You got that? And that’s the end of it? Your Honor, that is the end of it, yeah. And thank you so much, tree. Okay, prosecution, go right ahead. Get on in there. Y’all know I would love to present my case, but I would just like to reiterate It is hot in here. It is hotter than a tumbleweed at a Texas Rangers game, I tell you what. A tumbleweed at a Texas Rangers game? That’s right. Y’all know I’m from the south, so I have a lot of colorful southern guy things that I say. Anyway. Now that I’ve voiced my feelings about the temperature in the courtroom, I’d like to move on. This man over here wielded an immoral cudgel against his enemy and that cudgel is the internet. I don’t know if y’all have ever been on this thing, but it is a filthy, disgusting place filled with scammers who send you an email saying that they saw you touching yourself and you gotta get a gas card and send it to an address. And have you seen all the kinds of pornography on this thing? Yes! Not only do you have men and women, all kinds of people, but you have cartoon characters going to town on each other. Yeah, yeah. Shrek. The Simpsons, yeah. Family Guy characters, uh huh. The Scooby Doo Gang, NEED I GO ON? Okay, okay, Mr. Thin ThinBurry Thirn Thir Thir Thirn Thi Thurston Beignet the Third, it’s a pretty funny name, and I’ll thank you to repeat it every time you get a chance. Mr. Thurston, if you could keep it to the case. I’m sorry, the point I’m trying to make is that THIS this illicit bad guy used the internet to strangle his enemy, used it’s digital coils to stretch out and make him pay for a lawsuit for which he was found guilty and your honor I’m sorry but I think that’s just not right. I think you should get at your enemies the old fashioned way. Not from using the internet, but from hittin them with your car. I have to ask the prosecution to stop. Now, would the defense continue? Go ahead. Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm. Despicable. Disgusting. You know who I’m talking about. I’m talking about Mr. Beignet over here. My second cousin, twice removed. Wow. It’s me, Leonard J. Biscuit. Now, People will say I’m reputable, respectful, do I do the whole theatrics? Do I use it? Hold on. It’s hot in here. Well, that we agree on. It is pretty hot in here. Now, could you respect any man that uses his tie to wipe his brow? I think not. This man is going on about pornography. Simpsons doing Shrek, Shrek doing Sonic. I didn’t say anything about Sonic! You’re the one who said something about Sonic! Well, you texted it to the group chat, now. The family group chat, and Grandma was upset. Now, I’ll say this. The defendant here went the legal route of being petty. And what’s the best way to be petty? You can’t go to jail for going online and looking up to see if somebody had a 5, 000 lawsuit against them. Speaking of, Mr. Beignet over here owes me some money. Wow. Yeah, yeah, he told me that he took my gumbo and put it on peach cobbler. And I have been hearing about this truly insane thing. Well, yeah, and then he sold that idea to the Nabisco company. That was my idea! I told you that in confidence! I don’t think y’all’s the first person to ever put gumbo on a peach cobbler just cause I happened to be having drinks with John Nabisco, king of the Nabisco company, and I happened to mention it was a delicious combination and I got all the money. I don’t think, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Listen, I’ll tell you this, if there was one thing I would love to do It was a see this man get served in front of me right now, which is how good did you feel when you saw that? I said I felt I felt really good I kinda forgot what y’alls voice sounded like. Thank you, thank you, thank you now now Tree Tespas, do you have any final remarks your honor if I may I’d like to give some final remarks. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Very good. Okay, I am ready to make my judgment. Tree. Tespass. Present your honor, I’m right here. For the charge of egregious pettiness, I find the defendant Not guilty! Not guilty! Thank you! Alright, you are free to go! Thank you, your honor, this means a lot to me. Of course, anytime. It means a lot to me that you’d do this for me. Of course. Have a wonderful day, your honor. Take care now. It was wonderful meeting with you. Okay, yes, very good. Next case! It’s time for the last case of petty revenge. Since you won the last trial Leonard J. Biscuit, you have returned. Which means we’re down to our final matchup. You versus, and I’m so sorry, what, what is your name? What was your name again? Biscuit? I’m Carrie Anne. Crumpet. Carrie Ann Crumpet. Very good. Thank you. Alright, now this last case of petty revenge was shared online by Reddit user StinkyFishTits. Stinky, please choose your defense attorney. Either last case’s winner or our newcomer Miss Carrie Ann Crumpet. I go right now? Oh my god! Oh, this is so much pressure! It’s whoever you like. Okay, um, I really like crumpets, so I’m gonna go with you. Good choice. Oh my god, hallelujah! Very good, Stinky. Thank you so much. Hi! Hi! Nice to meet you, I’m Stinky. Oh, you are, aren’t you? Yeah. Now, Stinky. Hi, your honor! Oh my god, I’m on TV! Stinky, would you please tell the courtroom what occurred? Like, in the case, or like, today? Well, let’s start with the case. Okay. Um, when I was in my early 20s, and it was like online dating had just started, Um, I made a profile and said that And said that there were only two things that I wasn’t into. Okay, so one of those things was smokers. And then the other one of those things was people with kii-ats. Wait, did you say kids or cats? Kiats. Okay, keep going. Did you understand me? It’s kids? Cats. Okay. Very good. Okay. Okay. So I’m met this guy for breakfast, like, it was a breakfast date, and, um, we hit it off okay, like, it was, like, no, like, sparks or anything, but, like, no red flags for sure. The date goes for two hours, and, um, then the bill comes, and then he tells me that he has a kid. And so, your honor, like. Oh, I’m so sorry about that. Thank you. Oh my god, you’re so sweet. You’re doing great. I made such a good choice. I was like, whatever. So the bill comes, and then he tells me that he has kids, and I’m like, So that was, did you read my profile? Like, on my profile it specifically said, like, I don’t want cats. Uh huh. You don’t want kids. Cats, exactly. Cats, kids, yeah. And he was like, yes, I read that, but then I knew that if you had just spent some time with me, you would know and like, see how great I am and be willing to like, see past that. Oh. Like his cat, like I’d see past it. But, you know, for me it’s kind of like a non negotiable, right? Okay, so I was floored, I was pissed, um, I was really upset, and so he wasted three hours of my life, and like, he was a complete liar, um, and that was even for me something, that’s something that’s like a little bit unacceptable for me. Excuse me, this story’s still going? I said, I said. Yes, if we could have quiet in the courtroom. I said, well I don’t want this day to end, but I have to get my Brazilian wax. Uh, where they take all the hair off, including the hair on my bum hole. Is, is that relevant to the case? Yes, and if you’ll just bear with me, I swear I’m gonna get into it. I’m gonna get right into it, okay? Okay. So, I’m like, I’m gonna go get my Brazilian wax, um, do you want to get one with me too? I was like, it’s not painful, that’s a total lie, it’s like, super painful. But I’m with this guy, he told me that he didn’t have kids, but then he did have kids, like it was so confusing, and now I have to get my comeuppance. And I think it’s attr– I was like, I think it’s very attractive. Yeah. And so I told him, and I’m like, I think it’s really attractive for like, men to have their bum holes waxed. So no pressure though, and he was like, all about following me wherever I went after this day. I told the ladies that this was his first time and that they should take, uh, everything including the bum hairs on his butt. We went in, he holds my hand, and we go behind the curtain, we’re holding hands, and he’s screaming! He’s like, oh my god, ow, this hurts! Um, and he actually, like, went through with the whole thing, and he actually paid for his own stuff, so I actually made him pay for his own pain. And then I never called him again! Okay. So let me know if I left anything out in that story. No, no, I think we got all the details. I feel like I gave you the point, the main facts. Yes. Thank you so much. Thank you so much, Stinky. Um. If the prosecution could go right ahead. Now let me tell you something now. Judge, this is one of the pettiest cases I have ever heard. This man woke up, got dressed, took his child to school, went on this date. This date was supposed to breakfast date! 20 minutes, 45 minutes, 2 hour! 2 hour breakfast date! Then you go to get a Brazilian wife and you take the hair off of this man’s butthole? Do you know, in the South, if you don’t have any hair on your butthole, I will pray to Jesus for you. A hot, schwobby day. Just how hot, it’s hot in this studio right, it’s hot in this courtroom right now. And I just, I just can’t even imagine not having any hair on my buttocks. That is a crime in itself, send them to petty jail. Thank you so much to the prosecution. Is there a problem, Judge? No issues here. And please, don’t address me. The defense may continue. Thank you, Your Honor. Also, it is very hot in here. It’s quite warm. Well. Oh, these are both fake. Damn! Damn! Alright, here we go. Oh! Thank you. Oh. A little caught off guard there, that was nice. I’m in, I’m in, I’m in. Alright, cool. Let’s do this. Alright, listen. She put on her profile that she didn’t want any keeds. Which I totally understand. I don’t like keeds either. She didn’t kill them. She didn’t check those keeds down. I’d say that’s pretty, that’s pretty reasonable. You coulda. The, the option is there. Okay. Yeah, so look, that’s, that’s, that’s cool. And then, listen, the worst thing you could do is have keeds. And, a hairy butthole. You gotta pick one! And he already picked his before he got to the door. So. Them’s the breaks. Them’s the breaks. Kids or hair. I don’t make the rules. The Lord makes the rules. The Lord? And he is good. He is good, Judge. He is good. Yes, he is. Very good. Okay. So that’s from you too. Cut and dry case, Your Honor. Cut and dry case. Cut and dry case, Your Honor. Well, wet and waxy. Wait, what was your name again? I’m not wet. Wet and stinky. Wet and stinky. Well, I mean, the fish, fishes are, I’m so sorry, I made an assumption about fish. Your Honor, my lawyer is assaulting me. I mean, I, I, I, I, I’m gonna need you guys to get it together. I don’t know if we got a carbon monoxide leak in here or something, but everyone’s being a little funny, okay? Bailiff, keep your glasses on. What the hell? I smell burnt hair. I don’t know what’s going on in my courtroom, but we need to get it together. Wigs shaking off. Okay. Any final remarks from Miss Stinky Fish Tits? Yeah, you know, um, you know, Your Honor, growing up, Um, I was an only child, right? Like, I only had, like, myself, I, I, exactly, like, I only had myself. And so, you know, I wasn’t around other kids very often. I was homeschooled. You know, I, I, I didn’t, like, I didn’t go to preschool. So, like, I just didn’t have, like, other kids around. And so, I just, like, don’t like kids very much. And so, this truly, like. Oh, you said kids. Yeah. Oh. I heard cats. That changes the whole thing. I feel like this is going to be a mistrial, so I’m going to say this. I would like another shot at another time because my lawyer is not very, you know, competent. You know what? You got me. Well, unfortunately, we gotta make a decision today. Cause I am busy. So, I gotta go on a couple trips. Um, and I’m ready to make my judgment. Where you going, Judge? Don’t worry about that. I got places to be, okay? Um, I’m ready to make my judgment. Miss Stinky Fish Tits. Hi! For the charge of egregious pettiness, I find the defendant guilty. Okay, certainly that was a mistake. Guilty. But, but my butthole. With a capital T and a capital Y, capital G and a U and an I. Guilty. Okay? Now Miss Stinky Fish Tits, you are hereby sentenced to life in prison. Life? Life? Life. Life. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t know the ramifications! It is life in petty jail, which is very similar to prison, but kind of different and not as bad. Okay. And you will now forever have to be known privately, publicly and anonymously and not anonymously as a petty Betty. Okay, first of all, I’m not happy with this, and I would like to talk to your higher ups. Well, there’s no one higher than me, but God, so I can’t stay for the end, I have to go now? You have to go to jail. This is like Monopoly, it’s now. Okay, I guess now we can all tell you that those weren’t the real Reddit posters. They were all Bowman Martinez Reid. Thank you, Bowman! Yeah! Oh my God! Okay, and thank you to everyone else for watching. We’ll see you next week. Bye bye. 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