You guys are gonna be floored by this opening line. You guys aren’t even ready for this opening line. Are you ready for it? Are you rolling, do I do it? This is like “Anna Karenina” first line level. In July, 2019, I decided to make a chicken salad sandwich. That was it, how do you, what do you think? Think it was good? All right, thank you, thank you, please clap. In July, 2019, I decided to make a chicken salad sandwich. That chicken salad sandwich was missing the refreshing crunch of celery, because a ghost from another dimension told some guy that celery juice cures acne, and then that guy told Gwyneth Paltrow. What kind of weird frickin’ alternate timeline are we even living now, man, I can’t deal with this. All right, so this dude has been occupying way too much of my mental real estate lately, and I just have to get this off my chest. His name is Anthony William, but he is better known by his pseudonym Medical Medium. So this guy is a “New York Times” Bestselling Author of like a ton of books, he has “Medical Medium “Life-changing Foods”, “Medical Medium Thyroid Healing”, “Medical Medium Liver Rescue”, and his most famous work, which is the reason that my sandwich did not have that crunch in it, “Medical Medium Celery Juice: The Most Powerful Medicine “of Our Time, Healing Millions Across the World”. One, what a long freaking title, two, this dude’s calling celery juice the most powerful medicine of our time. You got penicillin, you got insulin, you got HIV antiretrovirals, and this dude says celery juice is more powerful than all of them. Celery is not even the most powerful ingredient in most soups. Like you automatically know that this guy is just a scam artist. So this guy drops a bizarre celery juice manifesto and claims that a 16 ounce glass of organic freshly squeezed celery juice every morning on an empty stomach can lead to clearer skin, weight loss, it cures acne, it cures gout. He literally just like blankets claims across literally everything with celery juice, and a bunch of people started to take note. The most famous one was Goop run by Gwyneth Paltrow, which I could talk about their butt hole steaming technology for hours. One, I would really like to try it. It just seems like a nice relaxing way to start your day, but two, I mean, Goop has been so guilty of just shilling all of these crazy products. I mean, they have like vampire repellent spray, they got that candle that says- I don’t know if I can say it, I have to say it, it’s anti-feminist if I can’t say. They have that candle that just says, “This candle smells like my vagina.” Anyways, they let this guy who has absolutely no medical degrees or any training whatsoever, just , just vomit out these words and claims about celery juice. If you know anything about Goop and Gwyneth Paltrow, she got powerful friends, so a bunch of celebrities started to take note of the celery juice movement, and then after just a couple weeks, this started going huge. So you had a bunch of different celebrities from like all different kinds of walks of life. You had like Naomi Campbell, you had Pharrell Williams, you had Sylvester Stallone, all drinking celery juice in the morning. And then once the celebrities and influencers started picking it up, then the normies came in, and then it literally caused the price of celery to raise by like 70%. There were nationwide celery shortages. That is the power of Medical Medium. When he talks, people listen, but I suppose the question you should be asking is, should they? So on the surface of this whole celery juice thing, it doesn’t look like there’s anything new going on, right? Like there’ve been nutritional snake oil salesmen out there trying to sell you literally everything. I mean, you go to Atkins’ Diet, South Beach, Paleo, Keto, The Carnivore Diet, which that one Toronto A-hole is doing. He says you should only eat beef and salt, but then he did that and he like got a bunch of diseases. It’s a whole thing. There have always been these internet scammers out there trying to sell you on fad diets, convincing you that they and they alone have the one special trick that causes, plane. But I digress, I have never seen anything in the history of internet scammery, nearly as egregious as this guy is saying that he talks to a ghost from another dimension that not only allows him to dole out weird juicing suggestions, but wait for it, “Scan bodies in a way that can diagnose “all blockages, infections, trouble areas, past problems, “and even soul fractures.” If someone’s trying to sell you a food and uses the term “soul fracture,” like if you go to Taco Bell and you say like, “Hey, give me your Crunchwrap Supreme,” and the cashier’s like, “Did you know, “I can not only make you this Crunchwrap, “but also diagnose your soul fractures?” You know, I don’t want to judge your life, I don’t know what your goals are, but I would say get out of there as fast as possible. And he does this all with the knowledge that comes from, and this is capitalized, Spirit, and it is short for Spirit of the Most High. Anthony supposedly has been communicating with Spirit since he was four years old, when he diagnosed his grandmother’s lung cancer, which absolutely sounds crazy and is probably an indication that all of this stuff is him dealing with his own unresolved childhood trauma, but let’s get into what his website says about Spirit. “Spirit of the Most High holds a wisdom and clarity “that is closest to the holy source. “This is in direct contrast to the more common spirits “that reside underneath the holy source, “which Spirit calls the Sea of Confusion.” This dude has created his own mythos around it in a way, to me, that is very unique to this and it is incredibly fascinating. Obviously there are a ton of like psychics and mediums out there, and ones who’ve had big media platforms. I mean, I remember faking sick from school when I was a kid and staying home to watch John Edward “Crossing Over”, where he would pick people from the audience and then he would give them what’s called a cold reading. I’m not like immediately discounting the fact that there might be others spirits and everything out there, but I would not be what some would call a believer. I believe that these psychics and mediums are very good at what they do, which is essentially psychoanalyzing people and playing the odds. The technique of cold reading, you basically just throw vague obscure questions out there. Like has anyone in the room experienced loss? And then you’ll see someone just start crying. And then you’re like, oh, okay, this is the target. And then you just kind of gradually play the alphabet game. Like, “Oh, there was an H in the name.” It’s like, well, most names are 15 letters long and there are 26 letters in the alphabet, but this Anthony William Medical Medium dude, I have never seen someone just go from zero to Middle Earth ass 100, real fast. Start talking about the Sea of Confusion in angels, all to sell his books about juicing. He also, of course he does, has an entire network of angels that also tell him about the benefits of basically every crop. If you can communicate with spirits and angels, the most important thing they have to tell you is to drink juice. And again, the crop doesn’t matter. I’m sure that if you wake up and you drink celery juice, instead of, I don’t know, slamming a Red Bull and some Frosted Flakes, yeah that is going to benefit your life, but this guy has a whole network of angels, and let me read about them from his website. Hold on, “You may know the Angel of Healing.” Oh yeah, I know the angel, no, we hang out, we hang out at the bar all the time. “You may know the Angel of Healing, “Angel of Deliverance or Angel of Purpose “from my first book, but you might not yet know “that there are many more angels working “around the clock to support you. “In addition to the essential angels “and unknown angels I introduce, there’s another group “of 12 female angels called the Life-changing Angels, “who I introduce for the first time in my new book, “‘Life-changing Foods: Save Yourself and the Ones You “‘Love with the Hidden Healing Powers “‘of Fruits and Vegetables’.” What is it with scammers and long book titles? Like just edit yourself down. Maybe it’s ’cause they can’t hire an editor, ’cause they’d be like, “Yo, this is a scam, “please don’t do this.” It’s such a bizarre genre meld that I really love. It’s like, I dunno, if the “Gremlins” ended up in the “Fast and the Furious” universe, which I would like to see. someone make that happen. “Gremlins Six, Six Furious”, what? Just to clarify, when we’re talking about angels here, we are not talking about like the Judeo-Christian canon of angels at all. Like this ain’t Gabriel, or Michael, or Baruch. Annaliese, are those angels? No, you know what? Baruch is a, he’s an angel for my favorite fantasy series. He’s an angel from “His Dark Materials”. That’s embarrassing for me, sorry. So as funny and wacky as I find all this stuff, there’s an obviously harmful and potentially illegal side to all of this, and to perfectly illustrate that, just check out the disclaimer on this dude’s website. Let’s talk about who the Medical Medium is not. “Anthony William, AKA Medical Medium, “is not a licensed medical doctor, chiropractor, “osteopathic physician, naturopathic doctor, “nutritionist, pharmacist, psychologist, psychotherapist, “or other formerly licensed health care professional, “practitioner, or provider of any kind. “Anthony William does not render medical, psychological, “or other professional advice or treatment, “nor does it provide any prescribe any .” It just goes on and on, and on. So he is in Florida and there is a law in Florida that you cannot practice medicine without a medical degree. Thank you, Florida for having like one law, but apparently they can’t stop him because he has all these disclaimers. But aside from all the legalese, like if you have to say outright that you are not any of those things, that means there is a reason that people believe you were posing as at least some of those things. Like if I walked into a hospital in flip flops and shorts and went, “I am not the doctor.” People would be like, “Yeah, I know buddy, “you’re in flip flops and shorts, and you’re bleeding. “What happened to you?” But if I was wearing like a stethoscope and scrubs, and I was, I don’t know, giving someone a, I was gonna say hysterectomy. What’s a less intense medical procedure? An ultrasound, and then looked up and said, “I am not the doctor.” They’d be like, “Well, I sure thought you were “on account of you have all the trappings “of one and also absolutely claim to be one. “Why are you here? “Security, please come escort this man out. “Also, you are still in flip-flops, that seems unsafe.” And of freaking course, right above the legal disclaimer saying we’re not promising any benefits, there is a giant banner ad for the Medical Medium’s new book, “Medical Medium Cleanse to Heal”. He literally has a disclaimer going, hey, we’re not saying this is gonna heal you or anything, but by my book cleanse to absolutely heal you. And like, just to be clear here, I’m not crapping on any sort of spiritual practice. Like I might not personally believe in astrology, and I know you’re saying, “That’s such a Taurus thing to say,” but I do understand that it’s a powerful tool for self-reflection for those who do. And of course there are religious dietary practices that go back thousands of years that connect people to their history and culture. I mean, my Jewish grandmother didn’t eat pork for her entire life, until an unfortunate incident at a soup buffet. You know, soup buffets, how they have, there’s a buffet, but no meat, just soup, except there was some pork in one of the soups, and my grandma always used to have me steal Sprite in the water cups. And of course I’m by no means against what people started calling “alternative” healing practices. There are people out there who say chiropractors are scam artists, but I know how much chiropractors have helped me heal from injuries in the past, and you can’t deny the personal experiences people have had with things like Chinese herbal medicine or acupuncture. But the thing that’s unique about the Medical Medium is that he’s pulling this scam completely out of thin air. He’s combining all of these like enticing elements of religious esotericisim, cults, and fad diets, and just smashing it into one thing that becomes like the ultimate predatory masterpiece for a person like him. I think about the single parent on a budget who just spent $30 on a book, hoping against hope that of the 7 billion people on Earth, this one weird schmuck is the only person to have cracked the code that we have all been trying to crack for millennia. Like I want to buy this guy’s book to find out what other essential angels are out there that can, I don’t know, convince me to drink beet juice or whatever. I mean, I even want to try drinking celery juice every day for a month, just to see if it does make me feel better, even if I know it’s a placebo. I want the answer to all my life’s problems to be a glass of freaking juice, but I know it isn’t that simple. I get that the world is absolutely broken, I get the we’re all looking for answers, and I get that maybe the most mainstream answer isn’t it for everybody, but if you are already looking for alternatives, for the love of God, find an alternative to this alternative. Actually I don’t need convincing, beet juice is really good. Like I’m not gonna start a weird cult around it, but like I do enjoy beet juice. But if you are looking for something to really believe in, check out our podcast, “A Hot Dog is a Sandwich”, it airs every Wednesday wherever you get your podcasts. Hit us up on Instagram @MythicalKitchen under #DreamsBecomeFood. I’ll see you all next time. I wonder if this guy thinks a hot dog’s a sandwich. He’s probably like, “Hot dog is a poison sent “from the demon of most lowest depths.” I’m like piss off nerd. You can cook up your own feast while wearing the Mythical Kitchen apron, available now at mythical.com.