A lot of people don’t know this but for the last eight years I’ve been training with the Hungarian National Team to be an Olympic style handball goalie. Check this out! Saved! Hey, welcome to Mythical Kitchen where dreams become food. To address the elephant in the room, no I did not get a hair cut, this episode was actually shot in 2018 and we just decided to air it now and also do a deep fake video of me explaining how it was shot in the past and airing now. And to address the other elephant in the room, we have not done a three easy hacks video since we did the three easy frozen meat hacks back in April of 20, whatever, what are years anymore? And so we’re bringin’ ’em back today. Most people, they see a frozen pizza, they see a delightful cheap and easy meal, but no I look at a frozen pizza and I see an opportunity. I see an opportunity to elevate, I see an opportunity to increase self esteem. I will turn you into a six figure business earner better than Tony Robbins through my three easy mythical pizza hacks, follow along. Can we get Tony Robbins on the show? I wanna cook something on all the hot coals that people walk through into seminars. We’ve broken the recipe down into three easy hacks, you can find the time codes right there, you can also find the full written recipe down in the description, what do I say after that? Let’s get cookin’. I don’t think that’s it. I think it’s more about Tony Robbins. I think we always end with like a five minute Tony Robbins thing where he’s like screamin’ at people. He’s like “You need to take control of your life!” That guys got monster mitts dude, they’re just like huge. Anyways, let’s get cookin’. You know how sometimes you think you have more friends than you do when you’re plannin’ like a little get together and you make a bunch of frozen pizzas and then only Deep shows up and you’re like oh I forgot, Deeps like my only friend? You know Deep, Deep Nike, he’s your friend too. He’s my friend, he’s your friend. Point is, sometimes you may find yourself with a couple leftover Digiorno Rising Crust pizzas, which for my money are probably the best frozen pizza in the game I know that it’s controversial, be like Josh, what about Red Barron, what about Tony’s, what about what’s his name? Like Wacky Mike? What about the Sloppy Squat and the Booty Hole Boys, they got the best pizza in the game. No no no, I’m saying Digiorno Rising Crust Pizzas. So what we got here, we got a couple Digiorno Rising Crust Pizzas, how far do you think I could discus throw this? And we are making a muffaletta a muffaletta it is a New Orleans based sandwich, it was invented by Italian immigrants by the delis there, it is one of the world’s truly great sandwiches among all the world’s great sandwiches and I’ll show you how to make one right now. So, we’re gonna stack the pizza there and then we’re gonna just start arranging meats on it. This is really great ’cause I don’t know, you can take it to the beach. You know, you know how you get a little bit of sand in your sandwich, this is like that except you’re getting sand in your giant pizzas. And we’re gonna take salami, and we’re gonna just arrange it around there. You’re just gonna coin your salamis all around. The goal here is we’re gonna stack everything inside of the crust, on top of the cheese because what is a pizza except for large bread with like a thin spread of tomato-based condiment and the cheese is already on there, it is the perfect canvas to make any sort of party sub and we’re doing that. So we’re gonna shingle some salami there, you don’t gotta get the nice stuff, get the cheap stuff. Get the Oscar Meyer, my Oscar Meyer salami has a first name, S-A-L-A-M-I. My Oscar Meyer salami has a second name, it’s also S-A-L-A-M-I. Can we cut, do we have to put that in there? If you put that in there, I quit! Gonna put some cheese in there. Spum, SPUMTALO! You might be asking what is SPUMTALO? SPUMTALO is my acronym for the stacking order. The salami, swiss, sh, ham, mmm, provolone, mmm, mortadella, tsa, tomato, lettuce, olive salad and that’s how you build a perfect muffaletta with SPUMTALO. Muffaletta they are typically just chalk full of meats and cheeses and everything is weighed down. Why is this the longest? What, have you ever seem swiss cheese cut like this? I wanna challenge someone to an honor duel. Then we’re gonna stack swiss cheese in the middle there. The key here for me is that you’re gonna like alternate the stacking of cheeses and Some say eat like an animal, but that’s not true, I eat like a goblin. Anyways, we’re gonna take some ham, I was gonna lie and say it was gabagool just so I could say gabagool a lot, it’s not, it’s ham. We’re just gonna layer that on there. Now we got provolone cheese. Gonna layer this. So the goal, I don’t know if I mentioned this, we’re gonna take this, the key to muffaletta is the weight. We’re gonna weigh this all down, press it. Kinda give it some palm heel strikes. Whoa, if you want a low carb muffaletta just eat this like a taco. Then we’ll take a couple slices of that mortadell. Yeah, ugh. Pop that there and now we gotta get some lettuce and tomato in there, that’s not typical in muffaletta they just go with the olive salad, but I like it, I like when you get you get a little bit of that lettuce, tomato, tomato comes before lettuce, it’s not important but I have the acronym SPUMTALO, so I’m gonna use the acronym SPUMTALO. Honestly, the best part about a muffaletta is when it all sort of like comes together, and you’re getting like the juiciness with all the meats and everything is just sort of like coalescing inside, becoming nice happy friends. It’s like when friends are trapped inside of a cabin you know like that’s when you’re gonna do the most bonding. Y’all ever been trapped in a cabin? Learn a lot! All right, so SPUMTALO, lettuce. Just arrange that, make it nice, make it nice. And then we got the O, SPUMTALO! This is the O, this is the olive salad. So this is basically olives in jardiniere you can use anything that’s pickled. You can use anything briney, you can throw some capers in there, throw some pickles in there, this is a bunch of olives chopped up with a jardiniere, which is celery, onion, cauliflower, carrot. And we’re just gonna spread that around with your hand, all the salad is really what’s gonna bring this all to life like that, what is that an Evanescence song? We listen to a lot of Evanescence in the kitchen yesterday. God, do they hold up with time. I can’t wait until I can show my grandparents, what? I play dubstep for my 99 year old grandma in the car and she goes “Ah, it’s horrible, Josh!” I was like, you don’t get good music, Granny! “It sounds like the end of the world!” Now what we’re gonna do, we’ve got the muffaletta created and we’re just gonna give it a nice little cap right there. Muffaletta bread, it is a Sicilian round sesame loaf and it actually looks a fair amount like this so you literally might as well use the Digiorno pizzas. Like I said you gotta weigh it down so what we’re gonna do, we’re gonna take another little round thing on it, you’re gonna give it, one good palm heel strike, and then you gotta put some weights on it and put it in the fridge. So what you’re gonna wanna do and this is the official recipe, you’re gonna take one gallon of milk, and then you’re gonna take like a half gallon of chocolate milk weigh it down on the other side, and then you’re gonna pop this in the fridge overnight, let it rest, and then tomorrow you can take it to a picnic! Who doesn’t want a picnic? All right, our muffaletta has been moofed, and it has been fully letted, you don’t want a half letted muffaletta. So we’re gonna take it out, we’re gonna take this and we’re gonna, oh, she’s heavy. We’re gonna slap it onto a board and now we’re gonna start slicing and start feasting. And my grandma was showing me her music, she was like this is Lawrence Welk from 1929 and I was like Yeah Granny, well this is Dad Sick from Coachella 2017 and she was like “Oh it sounds like robots are fighting in the sky” They’re called airplanes, Grandma, they’re a new invention. Get with the times. Okay, so we’re just gonna cut a nice big old wedge out of this. That is exactly what you want. If you look, all of that weight has just congealed all of those meats. It’s pushed all the meats and cheeses together to create one solid brick in there, this is just a dense flavor bomb in your mouth. Mmm, you know the way that like elite rock climbers, they pack the lightest food possible so that they have the most nutrition up there on the wall? That’s what I’d do. If I was climbing a half dome, pack one of these in my backpack and I’d eat it over the course of 60 days, tune in next week, Josh climbs a half dome. Why do I always have so many wounds on my hands? You do a lot of hand woundy stuffy. Do a lot of hand woundy things, that makes sense, that makes sense. Everybody is like oh Josh touches hot things and he ends up you know, unscathed, and I’m like I’m plenty scathed, I just hide it. It’s not like a greater metaphor for, hey, welcome back to the show! I mentioned earlier that Digiorno Rising Crust Pizza is probably the best frozen pizza in the game, however it is not the best frozen pizza in the game. To make a frozen pizza lasagna, ya gotta go Red Barron for that one, did cheese fall on me? Is it raining cheese? Anyways, you want a flatter pizza, that’s what Red Barrons gonna get ya. Also there’s no such thing as a bad frozen pizza. Even if you go to like the worst of the worst frozen pizzas, they’re still pretty fantastic when you soak ’em in Ranch, so that’s the ultimate frozen pizza hack. What we’re gonna do is we’re gonna trim these up and then we’re gonna get ’em fitted into our lasagna pan. You can kinda see, you can see all the wheels have been set in motion here for what’s gonna happen but watch it unfold through the magic of YouTube. All right, so we’re just gonna trim this up, give it a nice little trim. I meant to cut it evenly, but you know like measure twice, cut once, I’m a bit like cut twice, measure nonse, that’s my little hack like there. We got Analease on that one, thanks Analease. Now we’re gonna start making the ricotta mixture. So we got some fresh whole milk ricotta, this is artisanally made, this is from a local farm down the street, psych it’s from the grocery store, this is cheap stuff, and then we’re gonna add a couple eggs to that, the eggs are just acting like a binder here, you want a little bit of protein that’s just gonna seize everything up so you’re gonna get a fair amount of weepage from your frozen pizzas in here. Frozen pizza weepage, my grandfather died from that, no I’m kidding it was just heart disease. Anyway . Gonna go ahead and whisk together this ricotta, get that nice and eggy, then we’re gonna take some Parmesan cheese, gonna just blop in a hockey puck of it right there, that’s basically adding your salt because any time you’re using ricotta in a recipe, you gotta add something salty in there ’cause it’s like essentially really sweet which also makes it great for desserts. Huh, then we’re gonna add some green flakeys. Don’t know what they’re called, you don’t need to know what they’re called. Pick two green flakeys from your pantry and pop ’em in there, all of ’em are good, they all kind of taste the same when you put ’em in between three frozen pizzas and if you thought green flakeys are useless you might thing that bay leaves are useless but me and Nicole are here to tell you that, they either are or aren’t, check out the podcast, newest episode just dropped, out wherever you get your podcast. All right you’re gonna spread a little bit of sauce on the bottom of your lasanga. I’m a big fan of bottoming my lasagnas here. So we just take that, spread it around, then we’re gonna take one of those pizzas and we’re gonna fit it in there and if you see it doesn’t exactly quite line up, so we’re gonna take some extra pizzas and we’re gonna patch work it in there, yeah that’s great! So now we’re gonna take some of that ricotta, we’re gonna do nice little dollops of this around here, reserve some ’cause we’re goin’ a nice three layer lasagna. As also heard in the podcast, a lasagna does not become a lasagna until there are three layers but it can extend infinitely while still being a single lasagna, if you stack one lasagna on top of another lasagna it is indeed one infinite lasagna. It’s called the lasagna paradox. So, it’s like the fermi paradox. You don’t know about the fermi paradox? The fact that like intelligent life has to exist outside of Earth but also the fact that it never has a chance to reach us because civilizations destroy each other before they ever actually get intercellar travel? No, that’s a big no on the fermi paradox from everybody? That’s fine, we don’t have to talk, you guys can just sit there and watch me cook. I’m trying to bond. Stack another frozen pizza. Should I alternate it? Yeah, I like that. Yeah, kinda give it a nice little crush. Kind of break up these little crazy bread bread sticks. All right, gonna put a little bit of mozzarella. Just a little bit, just a little bit to kind of hold it together if there wasn’t enough pizza already in the cheese and the great thing about this is you’re taking you know, a frozen staple and you’re elevating it so that anyone that eats this goes wow did you make a full lasagna from scratch? Also, why does that taste like Red Barron frozen pizzas? And you go wow, I sure did, thank you. Plop that on, and then you go, hi, there ya go. It’s like that scene in Blood Sport, you know? The best one. There we go, there we go, yeah yeah yeah, I love what’s happening here. Now you’re gonna take the rest of the sauce, just cover it and remember when you’re making a lasagna with pizzas you already got all of the sauce and cheese on the pizzas so you’re just adding a little bit extra to kind of massage it. You’re essentially turning this into like a giant pizza bread pudding casserole . All right, now we’re gonna put some extra mozzarella on there and we’re gonna take this and we’re gonna cover it with some tin foil because as you see, the pizzas are still frozen so we’re just gonna top this with tin foil, that’s gonna get everything up to temp and then we’re going to pull it out, top it with more mozzarella cheese and broil it. A lot of people don’t know this but for the last eight years I’ve been training with the Hungarian National Team to be an Olympic Handball goalie, check this out. Saved! So we got this out, this is looking great. I’m out of breath from kicking my hands. We got this out, it’s lookin’ pretty great, we could pull it right now but I’m gonna shingle some more cheese on there, I like getting those little crispy bits of lasagna towards the end so we’re just gonna broil some more mozzarella on top and we’re gonna pop it under the broiler for another couple minutes, get it, and then we’re gonna pull it and slice it and eat it and have a good time with our friends! All right lasagnas done broilin’, let’s take it out of the oven. Oh, she’s a beauty! This is lookin’ incredible. Scorpion kick! I’m feelin’ a little like Natalie Imbruglia right now, I don’t know if I should let it rest or cut into it. Torn, I’m feeling torn. By Natalie Imbruglia. I said I’d do it and I did it, boom Natalie Imbruglia reference. All right, we’re gonna cut into this but first, Trevor Ranch me! Got it, dude Hungarian National teams gonna call any day, I can feel it, so this lasagna I want this corner piece. Yes, honestly it’s really cool ’cause it’s gonna taste like a lasagna but it’s got the texture of a bread pudding or like a savory bread pudding, like a Spanish strata. A Spanish strata, beautiful brunch dish. Oh, Red Barron, I will be your barroness tonight. And look at that. Oh yeah, that’s what I want. Just take, oh my gord, look at this. Guys it’s incredible, it looks exactly like a lasagna except you can also kinda like see the crustage on the pizza this is incredible, hold up hold up, I needa Ranch it. I needa Ranch it, there we go, this is beautiful. Oh I forgot that most people don’t put Ranch on lasagna, but I do, sorry about it. All right, dig in. Uh-oh, this is gonna be hot. Drink the Ranch! Ahhh! Maybe it’s ’cause I’m a gross goblin person, but I’ve had like the best lasagnas in the fanciest Italian restaurants and LA, including but not limited to The Olive Garden and Bacadaboopo . I prefer this, this is really freaking good. But yet all that like burnt cheese on the top and then sumptuous soaked pizzas, this is fantastic. But, we got one final pizza hack comin’ up that’s gonna make you go wow, Natalie Imbruglia was a great artist! We can’t talk about frozen pizza hacks without talking about Mama Celeste Lizio Mama Celeste Lizio was supplying pizza parlors with pizzas back in the 1940’s. She is the God mother of pizza and it was only yesterday that I found out that these are not called Mama Celeste, they are only called Celeste and people have just been putting the Mama in front of it for years and when I mean people, I mean literally only me but please for the love of God comment that you also called this Mama Celeste and you would make me feel a lot better about myself because I felt like I was going crazy and nothing about me or my antics indicate that I would be crazy. Stop yelling at me! Sorry, what we’re doin’ right now. We’re making waffle pizza nachos. This does sound like something that Denny’s would put on the late night menu, but it also sounds like something that I would eat late at night so we’re gonna go ahead and do it. So what we’re gonna do, we’re gonna cut open a frozen Mama Celeste pizza and the great thing about this hack is you don’t even need to warm up the pizza before you just shove it into a waffle iron, what you do need to do though, we found out, if you just put a frozen Mama Celeste pizza in a waffle iron it will destroy your waffle iron so what we’re gonna do, is we’re gonna put two sheets of parchment paper, we’re gonna put one on the bottom and then we’re gonna pop that pizza in there, we’re gonna put one on top of it, and then we’re just gonna do a little, and just kind of crush it down. Then that is slowly gonna cook over time, what we’re also gonna do is we’re gonna make a little bit of pizza queso. We got this pan that’s screamin’ hot, it shouldn’t be, but it is, and so we’re gonna work with it. We got some heavy cream here and we’re gonna try and pour in the heavy cream and dump in the American cheese at one time and then stir vigorously. Oh God, oh God, oh no, oh no! Go go go go, oh geeze, oh geeze, no it’s workin’, everythings goin’ as it should. Pour that cream in there, don’t scorch on the grain and now we’re doin’ it, so we’re adding American cheese in there, that’s gonna start cookin’ with the heavy cream, and we’re gonna just dump in a whole bunch of mozzarella, it’s gonna make it nice and stringy. Then we’re gonna add in a couple seasoning things. We got a little bit of garlic, little bit of pepper, little bit of salt, little bit of chili powder for a little bit of spice, and so this is gonna be the sauce that sauces up our nachos. Get it nice and good, we’re gonna get that reducing. Gonna check out our waffle. Ha, ha, we’re gonna crush that down, if you have a weight put that on top of the waffle. Trevor, get me a gallon of milk! So what we’re gonna do, we’re just gonna milk that waffle. We’re gonna put that there, it is gonna slowly start heating your milk from the bottom up but then if you add a little bit of cocoa powder, you can just make hot chocolate rounds off the waffle maker. Boom, lunch and dessert! All right, I think it’s done. There we go, all right. Now we’re getting some nice crispiness on that waffle, we’re gonna take this waffle out, we’re gonna cut it up and then I’m gonna pop it in the oven with some queso. We’ve got our pizzas that we crisped up in the oven, we took ’em out of the waffle maker, we popped ’em in the oven, just kinda let ’em go until they’re nice and crispy. Now I’m gonna hack ’em up into nacho shapes. Yeah, that’s what you want. And then we’re gonna take that, cut ’em into kinda thirds, big old pizza chips. People are like Josh laughs at himself too much, I’m like nah I’m laughin’ at the food, man. This is hilarious to me. All right, cut ’em into sixths, yeah. There we go, now we’re gonna take these, arrange ’em around. A lot of people have asked me for my skin care routine and I say just rub Mama Celeste on my face, no I was gonna say people ask me about my nacho stacking strategy, rustic chaos, that’s what I go for. I like to have some bare chips on the bottom. I like to just kind of mound it like a funeral pier and then you know, funeral pier, things that are common these days. And now I’m gonna take some of that queso and I’m just gonna drizzle this all on top. That’s what I’m talkin’ about. We got one little celebrity guest appearance, from Sargent Pepperoni and his lonely Parm Club Band. Never really got there. Well anyways we’re gonna put some pepperonis on it. Pepperonis of course are little coins of sort of blended meats, not to be confused with pupperoni which are for dogs. I found that one out the hard way. I fought a dog in a back alley for one . You’d be surprised how much baring your teeth really works against humans and dogs. If anyone ever you know bumps into me at a bar, I just go, grrr, grrr, grrr! And then no one else messes with you after that. All right, more pepperoni, we’re gonna pop this in the broiler, we’re gonna get those pepperonis crisp and we’re gonna get a little color on that queso. And then, I don’t know, we’ll figure it out. All right so the pepperonis are crisped up. We got a little bit of color on that queso. I’m gonna pull the pizza nachos, oh yeah! That’s what we’re lookin’ for. All right, fantastic. Now we gotta dress the nachos. We’re gonna take some simple, this is the shakey Parmesan cheese from the little green container, I’m gonna pop some on there. Gonna take a little bit of green flakeys, I don’t know what this is, but I bought it in a bag at a park for five dollars. Stupid, it’s oregano, ya idiots. We’re gonna put a little bit of oregano on there and then just a little bit of chili flake, you know, some spiceys and we’re gonna pop these little pickled peppercheenies on there. Nice little, mmm, there we go, find the spaces. Make it nice for the thumbnail! One there, eh one right there, eh and do one right there. That’s it, now the thing you do is you’re just gonna flood this whole thing with Ranch the way that you flood a rice patty to farm it, we’re just gonna drizzle Ranch all around it until the pizza level physically rises from the buoyancy of the Ranch dressing. Are you really gonna do that? Why would I lie? You know, no no no, we’re gonna go no Ranch, I’m gonna eat this plain as the chef has intended. Gonna grab one of these and gonna wipe it in that queso. Little bit, oh that is gooey and crispy. Oh that’s hot. One thing to argue, that all we did was mess with a pizza and then turn it back into another pizza. But I wouldn’t because no, honestly, it’s an entire different dimension. We got the queso on there like it eats like a nacho platter It’s absolutely delicious, the liquid queso on there, it’s fantastic and it’s crunchy! Mama Celeste, I hope that we have honored your legacy by putting your life’s work into a waffle maker, choppin’ it up, puttin’ queso and pepperonis on it. So there you have it, there are our three easy frozen pizza hacks if you use those pizza hacks at home, please tag us @MythicalKitchen under # DreamsBecomeFood, just like Brian did. Brians from Ottawa, Canada. And Brian has been making the French Onion Ramen ever since that episode came out a long long time ago. He said he uses the spiciest Ramen packet with the spicest cheese he can find. I love that, I love when people adapt recipes. Brian, you keep doin’ you, Friend. Please, do the same as Brian. Start tagging your pictures out there and thank you so much for stoppin’ by The Mythical Kitchen. Got new episodes for you every week. I’m heavy breathing from all the pizzas. We got a new episode of our podcast every Wednesday wherever you get your podcast. Keep hittin’ us up on Instagram, we’ll see y’all next time. The Mythical trucker hat is literally the only hat I wear and I swear to you I’m not saying that ’cause this is an ad. So go get yours at Mythical.com.