Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Wallet Wallet, Wallace Gromit Gromit Wallace Wallace and Gromit. To understand the food of our present, we must first understand the food of our past. That’s why were recreating some of the most notable meals throughout history, today we’re hitching a ride with the ghost of Christmas past back in time to a meal meant solely for the upper class. Oh, we’re gonna eat an entire honey baked ham? No, those are fancy. We’re recreating a Christmas meal from the 1600’s. That’s how we celebrate it in Tennessee, you eat the whole thing in one sitting. Do you eat the bones? Mhm. It’s time for Meals of History! Meals of History! All right, today’s meal comes from the 17th century, this guy right here, he’s our muse, he’s also like a sex symbol of his time, at least for me he is. His name is Robert May, he wrote a cookbook published in 1660, called “The Accomplished Cook,” that was one of the first major tones full of English recipes which also took influence from France and Spain which was really interesting at the time. Wow, you know, there’s a guy named Robert May who also wrote the “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer” song. I assume they’re different people, but I also don’t know enough to say. Could be a highlander. There can be only one! That’s what he says in that movie. Okay, so interesting part about this as it relates to Christmas is that Robert May wrote 39 separate dishes that should be served at Christmas. And again, he was cooking for like 13 different major houses in England so this is like real aristocracy type stuff. The interesting part about this is that the cookbook was actually published at a time when Christmas was banned in England under the Puritan rule of Oliver Cromwell Lord Protectorate. Oliver! Oliver, how could you? You’re such a bummer, dude! I thought you were just an orphan boy! Anyways, there are some really interesting dishes. I mean, this guy would literally make pies that have like whole live frogs jumping out of them, designed to get ladies to shriek, it is absolutely bizarre but there’s some very tasty food coming out of this. Please tell me we’re not making frog pies today. No, but okay . All right, so you’re gonna go get changed, you’re gonna get into character. Yes! And then start whippin’ up some frogs? Yes. Actually we vowed not to cook frog in here anymore because one time we had a frog come back from the dead in our kitchen that’s a real story, I’ll tell you about it later. A lot to think about. It was weird, they can do that. They freeze over ice and then, they can just come back to life. Hello! Ah! It’s me! Merlin? You look like a drunk guy cosplaying Merlin at like an Marti Gras celebration. This is the closest thing we could find. To what? On short notice. What are you? For a 1600’s Santa. Dah, you’re not nearly Father Christmas. Not nearly. Saint Nicholas. You’re not nearly as like jolly as like the Coca Cola Santa that I grew up with! I don’t know what that is but the names Cuthbert. Cuthbert? You can call me Bert. Santa named Bert? Or Cuth. I thought it was like Saint Nick or Sinter Claus or something? There’s been many before me, they’ll be many after me. You become Santa. What do you mean you become Santa? Well, I’ve heard that there’s a man who found a suit and put it on and then he became Santa but that’s not how it works for me. No no, you’re thinking of Tim Allen. I’m referencing Tim Allen, Tim Allen. Yes yes yes. The Santa Claus. Because it was the double entendre because he was the lawyer, right? Ah. So Claus is like a thing in a contract, the Santa Claus, that is the best named movie in history. Sorry to break down your character. You’re blowing Santa’s mind! That’s the best name, no, it’s a great name for a movie! Wait. Go ahead. We forgot to do a disclaimer at the beginning. I thought about this all morning. Go ahead. If there are children in the room who believe in Santa. Grow up, grow up! I will do a little countdown no just shush shush shush shush. I’m gonna do a little countdown naming every reindeer I remember . Dasher Dancer, Prancer, get out of here now. Dasher Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Wallet. Wallet, Wallace Gromit. Gromit Wallace. Wallace and Gromit. Now that they’re gone Okay yeah yeah, kids around. We can be grownups. Yeah. When I was Santa in the 1600s, kids weren’t really a part of the festivities. No! It was just drunken debaucher. Yes, it was! It was like this Paganistic just bacchanal orgy of just food and drink and crime. Oh, ya heard about those, did ya? Yes I sure did. Oh boy. Speaking of food and drink, do you wanna start making some minced pies real quick? I would love to! Okay so minced pie, minced pie is still a very common English Christmas dish today, it used to have. This thing is itchy. I don’t really like. Yeah that’s gross, you’re gonna get that all in the food and I’m fine with it. You wanna start mincin’ up some meat? How do I mince meat, just chop it? Just bash the hell out of it! So minced pie today is just dried fruits inside of a pie crust, essentially. However, it used to have a bunch of actual minced meat it in so we’re just taking some top ground steak and we’re bashin’ the crap out of it, so many recipes from like the Elizabethan time which a lot of people consider to be the Golden Age of England, especially the Golden Age of culture where a lot of things are set in stone, we’re coming out just after that right now into the reign of Charles I, the monarch, who was beheaded, Emily! He was beheaded! Some consider it an unjust terroristic act, some consider it a necessary start to English democracy, I consider it, I have no idea, I have no context for this really whatever I just know that it happened and there was meat in the pies. Half the dishes had meat and fruit in it, that was all they were eating, it was just meat fruit, all the time, so now we’re gonna do it. Hey kids, come back for a second. Santa has a knife! Would you like to know what the Santa tests were? What? So you would apply to be Santa you see, I applied. That makes sense. So you had to do pranks, a lot of them involved like sneaking into people’s houses. Yeah no. When they’re asleep! There was a lot of robberies that were framed as pranks. Like this is an actual thing, this is why Christmas was banned by the Puritans in 1647. So then you’d eat some of their food and then leave. You didn’t really do anything bad I’d just like eat all their leftover food. Yeah but you don’t think bad things happened? You got a bunch of hammered drunk people doing pranks by breaking in. Not when I was Santa! Nothing bad happened! Are you sure? Yes. Do you have all the receipts, Santa Claus? Well those were imposter Santas. I smell gin on your breath! What’s wrong with gin? I guess it was cleaner than water back then. Oh for sure, for sure, it was cleaner than anything. That killed the disease. Cleaner than me, that’s for sure. How’s the syphilis going? I feel like 80% of the people had syphilis then too. Oh Santa doesn’t speak of such things. But yes, we would do little pranks. I’ve been told I’m not very good at the pranks. Yeah, why is that? Well, people just say that wasn’t fun for me and then I’m like, oh sorry. Sounds pretty right. But there was, there’s a little game that I like to play at Christmas parties. What’s the game? Called slap face! And, this is actually real. So you blindfold someone, some unfortunate soul. I don’t like it, I don’t like this. And then, he guesses whose slapping him in the face! Merry Christmas! Mid evil Santa! Here’s some violence! All right, so we got, hold on. I’m Renaissance Santa, not mid evil. Get it right. Get your Googles right. All right so right now we got, smell this, Santa, smell this, it’s really nice. We got apples, we got butter, we got orange rind, we got a little bit of salt and then raisins. Oh! And now we’re gonna dump in our golden raisins or as they call them in This meat fell apart really easily. Yes! So we just boiled the meat. They always boilin’ meats. People didn’t have like ovens. You were either roasting stuff over an open flame or you were boiling it in a pot, or a lot of poor people back in the 1600s would actually take their food to a communal oven. So there’s just like a big communal oven in the center of town and they’d just like walk up with their bread and people would steal their bread all the time, they’d just put it in. But that was a big thing. That’s a good prank. Okay, so you gotta start addin’ all this meat to our pot with all the fruit and sugar and apple juice. Yep, do you think this is minced enough? Yeah, that’s good. We’re gonna stir it around, this is gonna cook down for like two hours until it’s nice and gamey. I just wanna do a good job. Let me just Oh sorry, I should’ve noticed the finger. That would’ve been one of my pranks. Here’s a game called Chop Finger! Chop Finger! I like how the game names are all just you saying like what violence you’re gonna inflict upon people. This is called Break House, where we break your house! My favorite one, give me your face! All right so we got the meat in here, this is lookin’ like a real messed up soup. It’s just fruit, it’s sugar, it’s meat. It’s a bunch of spices too, we got like cinnamon and clove, they’re also gone in there, and then this just gets nice and thickened up and then we’re gonna pop it into a pie crust and then you get your meat fruit! It’s very good, yes! I’m into it, man. I think we should be eatin’ more meat fruit. I think we should be slappin’ more faces and I think we should bring syphilis back! I was , is that what the Justin Timberlake song was about? Bringin’ syphy back! What are we doing next, slot boy? All right, Cuthbert, Cuthbert Santa. Yeah! Can I call you Cuthbert Claus? You can call me whatever you like, Sir. I like you. I feel like, I like you too! Yes! I don’t want you to hit me in the face or try and rob my house like you seem like you want to. Nah, you took the knife away. All right so now we’re just fillin’ this pie with mince. Oh! Then this is gonna go in the oven, we got a nice beautiful lattice crust right here. I don’t know why I’m doin’ this. This is beautiful, ah! Ah, knife! There’s the knife! Yeah, uh-oh. Oh God, Cuthberts got a knife. Get over there. Oh, I’m messin’ up. I slopped the meat all over it. Ah. That’s fine, everyones gonna be drunk when they’re doin’ this. Yes! People were drunk all the time, they were just drinking ale all the time. Yes, specific ales. That was the thing. We would do it for 12 days! It used to be seven days. Listen, the way that we celebrated was kind of inspired by the ancient Romans, Saturnalia was what they called it. Yeah it was really. The festivities and it was seven days of debauchery. The origins of Christmas as like an actual Christian holiday are kind of dubious a little bit, right? And it became very important for the Catholic church. A touch of the Pagan, just a little touch. The Christmas tree, it’s a phallus right? It’s a phallus meant for. Everything is a phallus if you want it to be. Any time there’s a tree involved in any ritual, it’s a big old pi-nace, that’s how it goes. You dance around the Maple to celebrate fertility, what do you think the pole means in terms of fertility? Definite phallus. Put it together, put it together, it’s all dicks, it’s all dicks. Okay, we have a nice lattice crust, I’m gonna see if I can just flip that over, that’ll probably work. Oh! Eh we got there, we got there almost. That’s nice! Ah it’s pretty good. It doesn’t have to look perfect! Everyone is just drunk and slappin’ each other. Everyone just have a good time, nothing has to be perfect. All right so now we just have to Oh no! Sorry, sorry! So what happened when Christmas was banned? I mean, were you just out of a job? Yeah, it was tough. I just had to be incognito, you know kind of, I had to shave my beard, very sad. That’s rough. Very sad day. That’s rough for you. I became somebody who cleaned up people’s slop buckets. Oh no. But I was very good at it. I think you bounced back, you know, everyone pivots in their career sometimes. Yes, I would you know, just kinda keep it low key drunk inside. I mean, that is kind of what people did, right? Because like they had no way of actually. There’s no modern police day back then. You got caught, you were in big trouble. You could not go to church on that day. Businesses were open, which actually lead to something good at this point, ’cause now we can go to bars and things. Pubs, pubs, that’s what they’re called. That’s why the Chinese, I always go to a Halal Chinese restaurant on Christmas, shout out to Ma’s Kitchen in Laguna, you make great Halal food, Halal, a lot of Halal foods is kosher too. So that’s great for my Jewish grandma! Bube Lily loves the brown tofu with sauce. Aw. All right so we got the pie all nice and washed, we put a simple lattice crust on that, we’re gonna bake it off at, uh, temperature don’t matter because back then, they just had giant communal ovens and fires they just throw crap into so we’re gonna do that. Cuthbert! Yes. Look how the turn tables. You like that one? You pointed a knife at me and I was like, ah! Christmas in the 1600s! Ah, so we’re gonna lard some duck. Larding is a verb, it was a common preparation especially for a lot of lean game meats back then. The ducks, like all these estates would’ve had game wardens on them so they were literally like hunting all these game birds at the time, they had pheasants, they had larks, they had, I don’t know, they all had weird little names, partridges, they had doves, they had wild ducks. But now that we raise ducks for food, they tend to be pretty fatty, that said, what you would do with the lean meat, you poke holes in it and shove pork lard into it. Oh! So that’s what we’re gonna do! I love this. I love it too. So you wanna prep the roasting pan? Take the oranges and lemons, arrange them out, then you gotta throw some onions in the side, almonds, dates, cinnamon, again almost everything back then seemed to have some sort of dried fruit in it. Mmm. A lot of the spices that we think of as like winter spices, those were very very common during this like Golden Age of England. Right! Cuthbert, do it! Do I need to put oil in it or something? Nah, just do it man. Just throw it in. They didn’t have no oil, yeah drop some oranges in there. So I’m gonna take some of this lard, it’s actually really fatty pork belly and I’m gonna toss it with herbs. This is thyme, this is sage, this is rosemary, these are really common things, just gonna stuff this with so much flavor and again I cannot stress this enough, every dish back then Oh that smells good. Took like nine years to make, doesn’t it? Yeah, that smells really good. Yeah, I fried up some of these yesterday as a snack, oh that was a nice little treat. What the raw bacon? Yeah, here. Did you just eat raw, nope! There, no it’s a Christmas prank! It’s where you slap someone with a raw duck neck! It’s a game called Duck Neck! I don’t want pranks. If you guess how old the duck was that slapped ya, you get to win a prize which is you slap someone else with the duck neck. It was so sprinkly. Sorry, yeah now there’s raw duck everywhere. I don’t know what to do. You dripped it everywhere. Fly away! Ah ! Okay, larding, let’s do it. I’m gonna start stabbing holes in this here duck. Oh my God. There we go, so one hole again, this is gonna take a couple hours. And you gotta do the thing like in Face Off where you teach her to stab and then twist the knife. Ah! It’s easier if you freeze the pork belly, typically put the lard on ice so it’s easier to stuff into this bird. And then we’re also gonna stud it with garlic cloves and regular cloves, it’s a lot dude, every recipe back then was just so expensive because this was like the golden aristocratic age Mhm. In England, right? Where it was just like you know, pure futile system, you had 99% of people were peasants, they had like the one percent that were servants and then an additional one percent, that’s 101%. Screw you, man. Now we’re just like pure You know what we love about Christmas? What’s that? Crunching numbers. Just math! Merry Christmas, do some math. And there were probably Jews in England back then, shout out to the Jews in England. Don’t know what you were doin’ back then, but I trust you were doing things. Probably being a little scared. Probably being a little scared, yeah. All right all right. This is so cute. It’s like a duck was hell risen. Dude, it really is hell raiser duck. It’s hell raiser duck! Like Christmas, there was a fair amount of like horror themes to Christmas! I’m gonna fall. I got so excited about, I just remember a fact that I Googled, hang on. Emilys remembering a fact, sound the Emily alarm! She remembered a fact! There should be like an ADHD alarm that goes off, like bam bam bam bam! Remembering a thing! Okay, it’s the tutor times, it’s like the 1400’s. Uh-huh. I guess this kind of is like brought over from Pagen stuff but Christmas Eve is supposed to be the time that the veil between the living and the dead is the thinnest! Yeah! And then you tell ghost stories. Sounds like Halloween! But it’s not . It’s the same thing! No, Christmas wasn’t the cheery time. And as somebody who grew up with a lot of depressing Christmases I really appreciate that. I think we should bring that back! We should make Christmas spooky again. That’s the official tag line. Do that Justin Timberlake! Bring that song! Bring spooky back, JT, ya coward! Bring spooky Christmas back. Yeah, exactly! All right, do you want to start studding this with cloves with me? Sure! We’re just gonna, here take these little spikey cloves, this was a big thing, they would take this. Mmm, I love it. Ya stab it, ah don’t cut your finger. I like these ’cause they smell like Smells like raw duck. The goth girls I knew in Catholic school. Yeah, smoked a lot of jar and blacks. Yep. Yeah we’ve all been there. I would never. We all had eras we weren’t proud of. So I just put ’em in one? Oh, you’re just stabbin’ ’em in? Yeah, just stab ’em in. Okay. Yeah, I mean like, this is coming from the cook who would just put live live frogs and birds inside pies that would jump out at people. What’s the cutest bird that you eat? Doves. Doves? People think it’s weird that you eat doves, it’s a very common bird to eat. No, I’ve actually, They’re a symbol of love I’ve actually shot a dove. Yeah, no, people kill doves all the time! Well I went to college in Arkansas, listen, you gotta fit in. Hang on, I’m trying to cut off the butthole. That’s the butthole? Well it’s the butt. It’s his little tail here. You want it? It’s good luck on Christmas, Cuthbert! Well what do you want me to do with it, dude. It’s Christmas duck butt! You dance with the duck butt on Christmas, that’s what they all do! Okay I’ll do that, as long as it’s a thing you do Duck butt, duck butt, duck butt, duck butt Give it to me, give it to me Oh, it’s like boney. Yeah, spikey spikey. That’s weird! Is that, oh wait so that’s the tail bone. No it’s literally a tail bone, if you go to a Japanese, a yakitori, this is the best part of the bird in yakitori, Nicoles nodding, she knows what’s up. And they’ll run out of the butt early. I told you this before, but I have a tail. What? Yeah. I’m sorry, you’ve told me before that you have a tail. My butt bone comes out really far. I don’t know that you’ve told me you have a tail. You dropped that so casually. That’s why I can’t do Pilates! What, you never told me you can’t do Pilates because you have a freaking tail. In Pilates you’re supposed to sit down and put both of your legs in the air, I can’t do it, I go like this! Is this like a medical? Or like this. Do you go to a doctor to see that? No, it’s just the way my ass is . I’m trying to tie the duck legs together and then we’re gonna tie the wings back. Did I do a good job? There ya go. Like this? You did a great job, Cuthbert, you didn’t do a lot of the other stuff I told you to do, but this isn’t bad! Do other stuff? Yeah, we’re gonna kind of scatter this around, so we’re gonna take this. Take away the ADHD alarm, ’cause it all has fallen. It’s been three minutes since an ADHD fudge up. The alarm came up. All right, so we’re just gonna scatter these around, this is gonna create like a ju, not to be confused with a Jew which again, we do not know what they were doin’ at this time. Unclear, Nicole, you wanna Google it real quick? Expulsion of Jews from England. Expulsion of Jews, yeah! Oh no! Yeah, they expelled the Jews, they expelled all the Jews, of course they expelled the Jews yeah what else is new England? Oh no! Where did they expel them to? Real friggen original idea! They went where they could! Crypto Jews. Crypto Jews? They were crypto Jews. They’re like bitco, like dogecoin Jews? Oh, does that mean they’re gonna corner you in a Christmas party and talk to you forever? Oh yeah as the Boccians decentralized. See I’m a crypto Jew . All right okay okay okay, eh duck, here I’ll cut this. All right good. There’s the duck. Very nice. This looks messed up. Probably gonna taste really good. It looks really pretty actually. I know it’s kind of raw and carcass-y, but like it’s as far as carcasses go. This is gonna taste good as hell. Very good! I can’t wait to friggen dig, do ya eat the cloves? Do you swallow ’em? Does it open up the blood vessels in your mouth and let the flavor of the duck seep in? Find out! Find out if it’s okay to consume a clove! Gonna roast this in the oven at 400 for like, ah two hours, however long it takes. It’s beautiful. Cuthbert, my good man! Yes, my old friend? This thing. You love that thing. I do love this thing. We’re gonna go right back to that thing because sausages were a big part of English cookery Ugh! And we’re makin’ it out of mutton! Mutton is an adult lamb. A lamb is any mutton that’s slaughtered before six months at least in the American context. But, ya age that lamb, ya slaughter it later, it gets to develop a bit of a personality. So it’s a teen lamb? Yeah, it’s like a teen lamb, pretty much. But no, mutton sausage, or really big sausage, was obviously a way to preserve meats back then. Mhm. Without refrigeration, the thing that you don’t understand, well the thing that your mom does with the white wine with the Barefoot, we all love that, wasn’t around then, so you had to preserve it with a ton of salt! So we are gonna salt the hell out of this meat. Yeah! And then we’re gonna add a little bit of sugar too so again, there’s just like a lot of sugar in stuff Oh, very decadent. And like they would’ve just started really developing sugar overseas and then we’re gonna get some spice in there, I like to toss in the spices with all the sausage before I grind it that way you can just grind the spice right in there, this is a little bit of mace, a lot of Christmas spices, then a little bit of cinnamon in there! Nice little sweet mutton thing. And then we’re gonna put in anchovy sauce on it. Wait, you put mace in there? Yeah, yeah, bear mace! Just like the stuff that Dog the Bounty Hunter used, oh you’re gonna love Dog the Bounty Hunter when you’re alive for another 400 years. Oh, I love dogs! Not that kinda dog, he’s kinda just a I didn’t know you could train a dog to be a bounty hunter. Yes. Can dogs talk in your time period? Yes, they sure can. What a Christmas miracle! They are giant and red too, Clifford the Big Red Dog, what a movie. You’re gonna toss this meat, the salt is actually gonna help the meat sort of cure. Oh wow, that smells so good. Doesn’t it though? This is gonna make a hell of a sausage! It smells like, like, an apple fritter. Yeah ’cause that means a lot of warm Christmas spices. And again, that was in friggen everything. But it’s flesh . All right now we’re gonna start here, loadin’ this in. Oh boy! Let me load it all on the top and then we can grind it directly into this bowl. Yeah yeah yeah I guess you don’t. And then you’re gonna push it through, Cuthbert! You don’t want me doing this ever again . ‘Cause I can’t figure it out. I did a pretty bad Join of planning this. Whoa! I’m not gonna BS you, I did a bad job of planning this. Hold on, let me put it back. Trevor says do this, Nicole says no. Let me put it, Trevor thinks it’s a good idea, no I trust Nicole more than Trevor, sorry Trev. You know, Nicole, she’s often got our best interest in mind. And then Trevor just kinda wants to see the world burn! Trevors an agent of chaos. All right, like Loki, all right the trickster God. Just like Santa Claus is the real trickster God. Yes, I am an agent of chaos! Yeah, Santa Claus is like such a Greek God mother f-er. There is a bit of an Odin thing going on. See he’s got, right like the north Gods, they had the flying cats, Freyja had the flying cats. Love a flying cat. Santa just had a flying reindeer! Talking dogs, bounty hunting dogs. Santas a God! Talking dogs and flying cats. He turns into a human form and then makes sex with ladies on earth, just like Hercules did or Zeus or whoever! I don’t think we Googled the same stuff. That’s part of Santa. And grind, yeah, there we go, there we go. Phallic! This is what we worship and dance around! Ey! I don’t have anything to drink, look at that! There ya go, yeah Emily do your Christmas dance, Cuthbert Did you ever get fined? What? Did you ever get in trouble with the law for celebrating Christmas? I can’t hear you! Oh God, Cuthbert found the jug of wine! Drink Cuthbert, drink! I’m drinking! Sing the merry songs of your land! Ah! I like how much grunting you’re doing down there. Cuthbert does not have much lower body strength. Probably just addled with disease. All right hey, you wanna pour, start splashing some wine in there. Just maybe like a half cup In there? Yeah, right in the meat, then we’re gonna have to slop around with it with our hands! Also, fun fact, the fork did not get to England until about the late 1600’s. It was in Europe for like 500 years but the British thought it was a feminit. The church actually banned the usage of forks saying that God endowed us with forks, why would we use these machines? It is against Christ! That’s rad. That is so metal, fluff that I’m gonna say the same thing when I’m eating with my hands at the Sizzler buffet. God enbewed us with forks. So yeah splash in a little bit of that red wine. Okay. I’m gonna slop around with my hands and you’re gonna try and mix this up so we can mix it, there we go, that’s good, that’s a lot, that’s a lot of wine! That’s a lot of wine, we’re gonna be okay. A prank! No no! It’s a prank! Don’t ruin my sausages! This is all I have. Actually, yeah smell it, it’s just sweet meat liquor. Mmm! That smells great. That does smell good. All right so now we’re gonna let this sit for a second, just to let the sugar and salt really do its work, get the wine soakin’ into our mutton, and then we’re gonna stuff some sausages! This looks like a little hat! Yes, it is not a hat, it is for our raw meat. Here, let me slop some raw meat in there. Oh man. There ya go, yeah yeah yeah, then I’m gonna kind of fist it down, just hold it tight. Oh, ugh! Yeah, gotta fist the raw meat down, that’s probably enough to start. Eh, get one more little nugget. All right, so now, I need you to take these pork intestinal linings, I’m gonna wash my hands in the boiling water. I immediately just think about this, this as an ice cream cone from the depths of hell . All right so you can see, gonna, puh puh, then hold that, hold that like that. Okay okay. And then I’m gonna take this little prophylactic. What is it? And then, this is just intestinal lining, so you stuff sausages! This is literally how the sausage is made. And then, we kind of finger it in there. What kind of intestines? Pig! Pig, okay. Pig, you can use lamb intestines, lamb intestines tend to be smaller, beef intestine, you get beef mung, that’s huge, that’s how they make haggis. So okay, you don’t need to squeeze yet. I’m not. Just gonna try and I just don’t wanna break the lining. I’ll hold it like this, is this a Christmas game that you all played? Yeah yeah yeah, push hard. Wait, let me. I’m pushing. There ya go, there ya go, there ya go, hold on you’re gonna do that and then we’re gonna kinda Did we need to put some. Squeeze it down. Some lube in there? Nope, we already got lube! Pork fat works as a good lube. I’m not as good with my hands as There ya go, there ya go. Okay. Now I’m just gonna kinda squeeze it down a little bit. You have a very good technique there. Hold on, hold on, hold on, I gotta feed it back over the shaft. And Emily, start squeezin’, start pumpin’. All right I’m pumpin’! Start pumpin’! Eh! There ya go, yeah make more grunting noises. Eh! Yeah. I am squeezin’ it. Let me help ya. Oh wow. Let me help ya. Now it’s really comin’. Yeah, you gotta get some grip strength in there, you know? Okay. A little grip strength never hurt nobody in this game. Oh unless it really hurts. Why are you so weak? I don’t , listen I’m from the 1600s! My bones are made of dust. Just have the bone disease! Yes. Yeah you just squeeze hard. There ya go! Jesus. Just squeeze it. Your grip is very tight Thank you! I’m a little worried about you. Why? I don’t know! I work hard on it! We get to exercise for fun and not just do manual labor. Uh, no we split, we’re fine, we’re fine, we’re fine! Oh no oh no! No we’re cool, we’re cool, we’re cool, now we just tie it off. Hey this happens to everyone. It’s time for Plan B! Now it’s just , let’s go straight to C there, Emily. You know that there’s a generic version of Plan B called Next Choice. Is that real or a joke? No it’s real! Oh God! Oh God. Nicoles like yeah! I don’t love that. I don’t know, man. It’s like if you can’t find Plan B, here’s the next choice. Next choice. If I’m buying cereal I’m going generic, if I’m buying that, I don’t know, maybe go name brand. Maybe go with the one people know. Sometimes they don’t have the name brand made, you gotta do what you gotta do. I understand, all right. Oh man we’re gonna piss everyone off. Yep, if we didn’t, here there we go. Nice little sausage link, this ones a little chodey but that’s okay. That’s cute! Aint nothin’ wrong with a little chodey. And now just gonna tie I don’t understand what a little chodey means. Yeah, well Google it. So here Okay. We got a little chode, everyones different, it’s fine. It’s fine, yes. Most people don’t even it’s not you know from the actual. You’re makin’ ’em kind of short and fat Yeah! ‘Cause it’s better than long and thin. That’s what I’m sayin’. You know, it’s from the penetra, so we’re gonna go ahead it’s like really a vast minority. This is a nice time to check back in on how Susan is doing What’s going on with your girlfriend’s mom? She’s doin’ great dude, we just, you know her birthday was recently, gave her some Mythical Kitchen merch! Hey, cool! Susan, shout out! We’re bein’ safe! Susan I don’t know ya but I talk about ya twice. You should meet Susan. I would like to meet Susan, I don’t know if she’d like to meet me. Last thing she said she was like you and Julie drink too much. All right so we’re gonna go ahead, we’re gonna drop some sausage, we’re gonna get these poachin’ off. I think we crushed that, we did great. Take those anchovies, take like maybe four or five and mash ’em into a paste, don’t cut yourself on the tin. Okay. This is an anchovy sauce that was commonly served with sausages, apparently there were a lot of little cured fish, England obviously is a big fishing community. I like the little tins. It’s nice, right? This is perfect for a stocking! And this is the actual method that was used written by a person named Mrs. Glass in the 1700’s. So am I supposed to Where you roll the flour in butter and then toss that into a pan and then you toss a bunch of stock in there, and then that’s just it, that’s what it’s gonna do, then we’re gonna reduce that down, then we’re gonna add some black pepper to it, the introduction of butter and cream to the English culinary cannon like really came from the French because they had a lot of like aristocratic people go train with the French masters but also Robert May, the accomplished cook, had a lot of influence from Spain and Turkey as well which is really cool ’cause a lot of the big, the history of, the history of what is it? The history of all The light, the lights on, huh? The history of all existing society is the history of class struggle? Because back in the day it was literally like the royal families of Turkey and Persia would just like share recipes with each other and then the rich people from around the world got to eat those foods while the peasants just kind of starved. And then also like, so Charles I who was executed before Cromwell took over and banned Christmas, he was the first monarch to really abuse the power, certainly not the first exactly, of divine right monarchy. Where he was like, I only have to answer to God, not you shmucks! Yeah. And then he was like really became a tyrant and so then that is what like influenced a lot of culture. It’s crazy in America, the same thing was happening. Yeah! Christmas was banned here. Was it? Yeah! Wait when! It was the same time period. Well now the liberals are trying to ban Christmas, sorry I had to say it. All right now, here here here, can I show you a little trick? It’s mushy! When you get, it’s gettin’ mushy, but you take the blade of the knife and you really smash it in, you just kind of mash it into a paste. Oh! Yeah, there ya go. See, now it’s gettin’ even pastier. There ya go, we could blend it, but they aint got no blenders back then. Yeah! That kinda sounds like macaroni in a pot. That’s some wet ass anchovies. All right. Yes! That was a good joke. Just gonna take this anchovy paste, good joke, Emily! That’s what we do. But then it’s just, instead of WAP it’s just WA! All right, we got the anchovies in here, we got the butter and we got the flour, this needs about five minutes to tighten up and then Cuthbert! Yes! You ready to celebrate the Lord’s holiday? Oh I can’t wait! Where’d the jug of wine go, what did you go? I thought you were saying where’d the jug-a-los go? Well I know where they go, wherever the heck they want to. Cuthbert, my good man. Ah! Can I grab you some minced pie? Oh, I can’t wait. I can’t wait either. This looks absolutely fantastic. Oh yeah. Sure there’s no jug of wine. Oh it’s heafty. No. But I’m willing to overlook it just for tonight. This is thick. Wow. Here you go. Whoa! That’s a lot of meat in a pie. It’s huge! This is incredible. Wow, oh it’s so dense with beef! Dang! I’ve never had a pie this dense with beef. All right, let me cut you some duck. Oh I’m interested to see. Don’t spill the fish juice. All right, let’s just try and take this breast off kinda clean Very nice. I’m cuttin’ through a lot of cloves, I’ll tell ya that. You know what, knives are for a feminine Italian. Yes, exactly, why aren’t we doing this with our hands? There we go, here grab that. Oh! I’ll take this, you see the lard in there? Oh, I do see it! This smells freakin’ wild, I’m gonna rip off a leg. There’s a whole clove of garlic in there, I think since I have to work with people later today, I’m going to take that out, wow. There ya go, that’s mine. All right. Eat with our hands? Grab a sausage, put some anchovy sauce on there, just kind of, we’ll spoon it. Just put it over everything. Anchovy sauce galore! Yeah yeah yeah! This is the spirit of Christmas. Anchovy sauce! Throw on some onions. I’m gonna take this down because I can’t fit food through there. Yeah, makes sense. We tried to get at it with scissors but it’s pretty tight. Where do you wanna start? This is a hell of a meal! I’m going to start with the pie! God, Cuthbert, I like the way you think. Thank you, Sir. Oh that’s right. No get that out of there Ra ra ra rah! I’m the only one to have forks around here. What the hell? This is like when you just pack a lip full of beef jerky and raisins on a road trip, you know how you do? Oh wow, this really good. It’s good, it tastes good! You gotta dunk it in the gravy. What is that, all right. Oh okay. There we go. Just right in there. Ugh! Mmm. It walks the line between sweet and, it actually is good with the gravy. Oh wow! It’s very good with the gravy I’ve never had fish gravy! Fish gravy with the beef raisins, that’s a hell of a dish. Look at that hole. Yeah, you got some lard in there? What do you mean the lard? Is that the, what’s under the skin? Yeah, you see like little bits of lard pokin’ out I’m just gonna finger needle it. That’s the lard? Yeah we got lard all through there. Wow, okay. Oh man. Right, yep! Oh, that was a clove. Yeah yeah, spit out the cloves. Spit it in my hand. Cuthbert, let us gingerly touch our tips in the Christmas tradition! Man, this is. It’s a game called Floppy Winkles. The memes, well we should be in the meme together at the same time. Mmmm. The sausage is good as hell. It’s the best thing I’ve ever had. You know what’s good after a meal though? What? Play a little game, you love games, I have a good one, I have a good one. It’s called Fork Death. Oh yeah? Yeah, what happens is I stab you with a fork and then you die but then you get to stab me with a fork. But I’ll be dead! No, I don’t think that’s the way it works but I get to be the Santa and then you get to stab me with a fork! You know It’s a game. I have been looking to move on into the next realm. And I would be honored for you to stab me with that girly fork. A-ha-ha, jolly game of girly fork death! Ah! My man . Sorry, wait I got you right in the Right in the . I got her right, I got, I got her right in the . It’s okay, they’re lower than they used to be. I got him right in the , I’m so sorry. And with that, I die. I want one more bite of this though. Yeah, get another bite of the pie before you go to the underworld of whatever. Okay, ugh! And now, equality looks like the first ever Jewish Santa Claus in 1661. Oh Merry Christmas, by the way. Oh yeah, Merry Christmas, happy holidays, all that. Thank you so much for stopping by The Mythical Kitchen, we got new episodes for you every week wherever you get your episodes. New episodes of our podcast A Hot Dog is a Sandwich also wherever you get episodes, that’s fun! Hit us up on Instagram add pictures of your mythical dishes @MythicalKitchen, eat the sausage. I gotta give this food to the river sticks. #DreamsBecomeFood, you’ve seen the outro. See y’all next year. Bye, love you! You sloppy son of a biscuit, get as messy as you want in your own kitchen when you have The Mythical Kitchen towels available now at Mythical.com.