Hi, I’m Maria Bamford and my last meal would be diet Coke, deep fried brussel sprouts, Caesar salad, pot roast, and a hot fudge sundae, I tell you. Everybody has exactly one thing in common: we all gotta eat and we’re all slowly dying. Maria, welcome to the show. Oh my God, I love it. I totally agree. I’m deteriorating as we speak. My neural pathways are growing slack with disuse. I’m actually genuinely becoming a part of the earth. Yeah. Do you think we should try and stop it? Like do you think we should devote the next, at least 20 minutes of our lives, to thwarting death? No. No. I wouldn’t mind having a sharp blow to the head that I don’t see coming, but if I can get food first that would be lovely. That would be a hilarious twist though is at the end of this, we just do a capital murder. Yeah. That would be a, yeah, that’d get the YouTube views up. I mean, it’s been a good run. You’re ready to eat your last meal. Yes. Let’s do it. All right Maria, for the first course we have a can of diet Coke. Yes. Now we have chilled this inside of a cooler and then we have pulled it out with my bare hands. It is an artisianally hand selected diet Coke. I very much appreciate it. Let’s listen to the freshness. Oh God that’s good. Nice. Tell me about the decision to put a diet Coke in your last meal. You are going to die feasibly tomorrow and you still don’t want the 140 calories of delicious corn syrupy goodness. I don’t want, it’s a personal thing from childhood. My mother was always on a diet, despite the, she was, my mom was on a diet up until she died. My God. Yeah. She- And you’re, and you’re repeating the process. You weren’t like hey, let’s learn from this. Let’s just fall into it. Well, Marilyn lived a good life. My mom, she was in Weight Watchers up until the very end. And that was the, she was, had stage four lung cancer. And that was the first time she was below goal weight. I said mom, did you know, even if the coffin is tight around the hips, eventually it fits. It does. But she got herself cremated and now she’s just a pound. Oh what’s the point. If you you’re gonna get cremated, you should eat anything in every- One, you should eat anything and everything you want. For sure. Especially if you can be cremated. Yeah, but it’s the childhood memory in honor of mother. I know that it’s somehow probably destroying some part of my innards, but- The way I think about it is there’s so many preservatives in diet Coke that if anything, you’re kind of mummifying yourself from the inside out, and you can probably live forever. Yes. My dad was a physician and he would always encourage us to eat anything you know, stuff with mold on it, stuff you know that you’re just creating, you know, making yourself stronger, faster, more powerful. Do you think it’s worked, like knowing all the data that’s gone inside your body? Like do you think it’s working? I’m still here. That’s what’s up. Fiddy one. Mozzle. All right Maria. For course number two, we have a kale Caesar with a caper dressing, Parmesan cut into little triangles and croutons. You said in an interview in 2015, that you were quote really into the kale with caper Caesar thing and described the cut of the Parmesan. And so we wanted to recreate whatever memory. I’m sure you don’t, do remember that interview? Oh I remember the Caesar salad that I had that was one of the best Caesar salads I’ve ever had. It was in South Australia. I cannot remember what city. Was it Adelaide? Yes, perhaps. Adelaide. I lived in Adelaide for 11 years, ’cause I dated an Australian clown. That’s real. Yeah, it’s real. Oh my God. Anyways, lived there, thought it was gonna work out. Of course, it’s a clown. It’s not gonna work out. It was Romaine lettuce and then they did a soft boiled egg up top. Ooh. And then they mixed it for me at the table. Ooh. What? I feel bad about not doing soft boiled egg now. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, now I, the show’s- But that’s also about, I was also semi hypomanic at the time. You know, we don’t know what else was going into that salad. This is a truly experience salad. I’m on all of my psychiatric medications. So I’m really here for this salad. This is the self-actualized salad. Yes, exactly. I’m so excited. Please dig it. Okay. I just drank a bang energy so I think I’m approaching hypomanic. Oh yes. Yeah, yeah. I had a nitro cold brew, so. Ooh. Everything’s- Ride the lightening. Looking great. Oh, oh, oh, it’s very tasty. It has this very nice like perfect. savory with a little tang. You have been on Food Network before. So you have practiced like judging food. I like how you started laughing ’cause it was different circumstances with which you were on Food Network. Can I tell you, I was hired to do Worst Cook Celebrity Edition, which is a real stretch to call me a celebrity. But the point is they didn’t let us eat our own food. I made like this meal of eggs benedict, and I said oh, can I bring it back to the hotel with me? You know, to enjoy ’cause I slaved over this. They wouldn’t let you. Anyways, just behind the production. Just to let you know. Do you know what the reason that they wouldn’t let you eat your own food is. I don’t know. They said no, it all has to go in the trash. And I’m like, I guess maybe they thought I was gonna take a picture of it and put it on social media or something. And I was like no, it’s gonna go right in my tum tum. And then people could fudge the betting odds for Celebrity Worst Cooks and then they could make billions of dollars in Vegas. It all adds up. It all makes sense. This is delicious. And you’ve been married now for seven years. Seven years, I believe, maybe it may be eight. We’re not, I’m not clear. I feel like it’s documented, right. There should be like a legend. Oh no there is. Well, we got married twice. Got once married in our backyard, and then once married, my mom did a full show. Ah. And we got married at a place called Castaways in Burbank where they do all the food for you. Yeah. And- Wait Castaways rules. I love that place. It’s so great. Plenty of chow. It’s beautiful. Do you think being married though for seven or eight years, whichever it is, has made you a more optimistic person. Has it shifted the way that you think about death? Yes. Well, I know that it can happen at any time. Now, I would like you to, I’d like to know what is, you had death in your life before. Ooh. Just speaking off camera, your parents died. Does that make you think about the last thing that they ate or what they enjoyed? I think, so I know the last thing that my dad ate. My dad died during a routine heart surgery when I was 19. And the last thing we ate, this isn’t sponsored, this is from Black Angus Steakhouse. He had a rib eye with the onion rings and then we got the side of cheese sauce to dip the onion rings in. And you know what? I would go back there and eat the same meal in a heartbeat. But yeah, we were talking about how this show was just me and my way to process my own thoughts on death. The only panic attack I’ve ever had was me thinking about death after my dad died, and I just started crying in bed. Yeah. And so I started reading books about it and then having other people to talk about it with me. Yeah. And so this is lovely. And your mom, I’ve had friends and family die of suicide. Did your mom pass away from suicide? She did, yeah, but it was, we were estranged for about 10 years. And then I sort of heard, I got a call from a Sheriff’s office actually. And so that’s also a part of this. Don’t know which, oh no, I do know the last thing she consumed. Oh wow. Oh it was break fluid. We can, that was how she did it. Yeah. So. That is- That counts as a last meal. I’m not sure. Well I’m so sorry. Obviously she had a mental health issue and it is a heartbreaking thing to happen and to have happened and let’s- I’ve turned it into art, you see Maria. I’ve turned it into beautiful art of the kale Caesar salad. I believe she would’ve wanted us to enjoy this. And if not, in your face. Suck it mom. All right Maria, course number three. We have deep fried brussel sprouts. It’s been added to some bacon and shallots deglazed with apple cider and red wine vinegar. Oh my Christ. Yes, we did it. We got her to say the C word. The other one. The, sorry, the C, yeah. I could say the C word too. That’s your word to say. You take it back. Reclaim. Yeah. See you next Tuesday. What are you doing next Tuesday? Having somebody look I’m like at my Oh my God is that good. Thank you. Oh my God. Tell me about the connection to brussel sprouts. Why, this is the last meal that you’re gonna eat. We’ve started with so many vegetables. I love vegetables. Now here’s some more insight. I was bulimic as a child from about the age of 11 to 21. What, a white woman. I didn’t wanna say, but you said it for me, you know. I was like I could have told you that. I lost interest in my own narrative. I had always been a fan of vegetable ’cause that was one of things I would let myself eat. And, but it still, it took, and now I love vegetables and I love the whole deep frying of vegetables that has happened in the last 10 years. Just like reclaiming the C word. You’re like reclaiming vegetables. Be like outside of the eating disorder lens. Yeah. Oh God. Like this is garbage for you. I mean, this is just bacon. The shallots actually soak up all the bacon fats. So all that’s still in there. It’s great. And when it’s like a full protein, right. It’s like a full, and it just so you know, I haven’t been clean off bulimia for about 25 years. So high fives all around. Do you get a chip for that? Do they give you a chip? Oh well, if you go to 12 step programs, they certain will give a plastic disc that means so much. No, and it does. I mean great job. Maria, you donate 11% of your earnings to charity. You and your husband do as well. You offer tickets to people to your shows for free if they can’t afford to pay. We actually, when I told somebody at this company that you were coming on, they were like oh, I attended one of her workshops where she like went over the details of contracts and how not to get screwed. You seem like a really freaking good person. Do you think you’re a good person, ’cause like you should. Well, I’m from Minnesota. So one of my dad’s favorite quotes is by Bella Abzug, which is don’t be humble, you’re not that great. And yeah, and I up all the time, you know, especially, you know, I’m older, I’m just a bag of bones and a hank of hair. And I you know, say things on social media. I’ve been definitely called out for saying things that were hurtful that I, of course didn’t, nobody means, you know, most people, unless you’re the, a devil, you know, don’t mean to be hurtful, but you know, I’ve had to, or need to learn. You need to learn things in public sometimes. And that’s okay. Anyways, I love, I love talking about numbers just because it’s emotional. It’s very, or at least for me, it’s very emotional, you know, comedy isn’t unionized. And so nobody knows what anyone’s earning. Yeah. And then it can be very confusing when the, the amount of money hasn’t come up for 30 years for a middle act. So if you see a middle act comedian at a comedy club that you’re in your area, usually they’re making maybe 75 bucks, 50 bucks a show. The headliner may be making 10 to 20 grand. What? Not that they don’t, I mean everybody deserves everything, but it’s just interesting. Like it’s just like well, I would certainly like to know that. I mean, I don’t think it’s just interesting though. I think you have this imperative. You know, most people just be focused on just getting that bag, but the fact that you’re focused on them, to me signifies moral imperative. Well, and also my sister says that I’d like to have a give cam going all the time that you have you ever seen those, there’s some YouTube videos where people are like show themselves like saving a homeless person. And you’re just like, why don’t you leave people alone? Like buy the guy a house and not talk about it. But so I wonder if some of our, part of it is yeah, some weird sort of ego trip for myself, but that’s nice of you to say. I, yeah, it is important to me. I do wanna try to be a good person, but I’m sure I’m failing in some way. Let me know on Twitter. Berate Maria in the comments of this video right now. All right Maria, here we have pot roast with sauerkraut. This is a chuck roast, little baby Dutch potatoes, carrots, sauerkraut, little bit of German beer deglazed in there. Yeah, this is wonderful. Thank you so much. Of course. Yeah, please dig in. Okay. You said that your mom’s pot roast in 1977 was the best meal you’ve ever had. Well my mom made pot roast on the regs, she also made this wonderful casserole, which had mayonnaise, tuna, green beans. And then those little crunchy noodles on top. That’s just called the Minnesota special. Yeah, that’s a casserole. And it was so good. It was so good. I just made hamburger helper for myself and my husband the other night. The genuine pride in your eyes on that made me so happy. Yeah. It was just, it’s it’s very good. It is. And the directions are so clear. And you know what’s gonna happen, and you know that it’s gonna, you’re gonna feel kind of sick after you eat it. And you’ll probably put on two pounds of water weight- The sodium gets ya. within 24 hours. But so good. That’s honestly something that I respect about you a lot is you’re almost love of what I’d call benign mediocrity, not benign, benevolent mediocrity is another word. I am not a snob at all. I love Seven Eleven offerings, anything from a truck stop. If it’s old, I’m still interested. You grew up Christian and Minnesota Christian, which seems like a very specific brand of Christian, but you now I believe identify as atheist. Yes. How has that changed your perspective of death or did you never buy into the afterlife? Because I had such mental health problems as a kid when I was nine, I, you know, started being to kind of compulsively pray to God for help. And then there was no help forthcoming. Whoops. Yeah, I just, I didn’t really buy any of it or it never seemed like a comfort to me. So yeah, I assume that what happened is that you just die, and I don’t really understand the idea of like oh, I’ve gotta be good now because it’s gonna be even more amazing later. Like, why don’t you just be good now to be good now? You know, like why this whole- Yeah. Carrot and stick sort of thing. Like I don’t know, but that’s me being judgemental, which is probably why I’m not a Christian. And now you’re going to Hell, of course. Of course. Of course. No, but do you wish you had that afterlife? ‘Cause that’s a huge comfort to me. Like when I’m laying in bed and I’m thinking about death, I’m obsessing. I was like if I could just truly believe. I grew up around a lot of evangelical Christians, a lot of Mormons, and seeing the true believers was so awesome. And I was like I want to be you. Did you ever have that? Oh yeah. I love a cult. Yeah, same. Oh my God. Oh my God, it’s such a relief. Like oh let’s all wear the same stuff and say the same things in unison, and you know, not- Just community. Yeah, ugh. No, it is wonderful. Join a cult for seven days. Get into the seventh day Advent, just seven days full on like all in, do the whole thing and then pull out. But pulling out of cults is famously difficult though. That’s the thing they don’t want you to do. But this is if you know that it’s just temporary. You’re just trying to give your brain- Like a charter membership. Yeah, or like a little jingle jangle where you just kind of go oh, I just wanna, you know, just kind of get myself out of something. I love, I do love 12 step programs, which are cults. Yes. And the reason I like them, and the language kind of goes over me, but they’re number one free, number three, number two, not number three, number two, free. Number three, they can’t kick you out. That’s one of the main rules of that group. Whereas church can kind of kick you out. Yeah, I’ve seen it happen. Yeah. But I can go to a meeting and you know, with a bottle of Jack Daniels and I eat ice cream cake with a stolen porn DVD, and people just say keep coming back, Maria. Oh my God this is good. It is really frickin’ good. So what happened with your mom? She was estranged and then- It was either schizophrenia or like bipolar too. Okay. My grandma tried to do the like ultimatum like hey, I’m gonna cut you off financially unless you actually seek diagnosis. And then she’s kind of fled. Yeah. And then for 10 years. We actually found her picture in a newspaper that was like feeding the homeless people of Alexandria, Virginia. And we saw my mom in the photo and someone sent it to us, which was a crazy experience. Yes. And then I would get the occasional LinkedIn message from her. Don’t know my LinkedIn was the, yeah. I don’t know. I have no idea. I have one friend with schizophrenia who, yeah that’s such a, it’s such a frightening one. ‘Cause it’s like you feel like you can’t communicate with someone when they’re ill. You can’t communicate it. And then they don’t, or some of the symptoms are I’m fine. Yes, yeah. Yeah. And of of course the like everything else, they’re having the delusions and mine is, yeah. Yeah. Mine is the real thing. Yeah. And mental runs in your family as well, right? There’s that. Yeah, my mom had some, she never said that she did, but she had some manic episodes. That’s a mom thing to do. Yeah, if I ever heard it. Yeah. No I’m fine. You know, I just wanna go on the twin cities and spend $10,000 on coats. All right Maria, the final food you will have before you die like not to jinx it, it’s a hot fudged sundae. The ingredients are hot fudge, ice cream, peanuts, hot fudge, ice cream, peanuts, hot fudge, ice cream, peanuts whipped cream, cherry topper. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had to control myself to not imitate you. ‘Cause I was walking around going hot fudge, ice cream, peanuts. And there I am imitating you, but dig in. Okay. Yeah, I’m gonna try the cream up top. Oh yeah. Yeah, the hot fudge is homemade too. We did the damn thing. My dad tried to go to Dairy Queen today. They’re closed down. Its too much snow in Duluth. Minnesota problems. I blew his mind and I had Dairy Queen delivered. I gotta ask you about the significance of the Peanut Buster Parfait from Dairy Queen. ‘Cause that’s what this is modeled after, of course. Yes, yes. How special is that to your life? My dad would go get Peanut Buster parfait. It was celebratory. It was usually after church. You know where you’ve done your time and you could go out to Dairy Queen, and there’s no Dairy Queen here in Southern California. So you gotta go to Foster’s Freeze, which is dirty Dairy Queen. Yes. It is just like Dairy Queen, but she’s a little dirty. Yeah, yeah. Well she’s old. She’s been around the block a little bit and there’s nothing wrong with that. We still love our Foster Freeze Queen. Yeah, no oh my God, and she’s not corporate man. So you can like get whatever the hell you want. Can you just stuff a piece of steak in the middle. Yep. They really will. They have no morals or boundaries there and I love them for that. I gotta ask you about you, you have a series on Instagram called reasons to stay alive for 2022. Yeah. And they have included such things as toddlers on ropes that say hi to you. Yeah. Which is very fun. Have you ever seen that where kids, you have to come in a town district near a school, and the kids, they’re all like two, three years old, they all are holding onto a rope, because they haven’t, don’t have all the social anxiety that you develop as your brain gets older. They’ll all say hi. Beautiful. I could stick around a little while longer. Just in case it happens the third time. What if it happened again. And dinner with the fart machine. It’s like well that’s still gonna be there. So you should probably not- We had the fart machine, I believe it’s called the fart machine 2000. You can get it off of the horrible Amazon, but you know, why don’t you support a local retailer and- Your local Vargas ol’ fart machine. Of course, yes. Yes. Yeah, it’s wonderful. It just gives and gives and gives. It’s funny every day. You seem to endorse friends and family less than the fart machine in this series. Oh yeah. My delivery at saying reasons to stay alive for friends, family, I don’t know. You know. Because if you have mental health issues, your friends and family are sick of it. Like they are, they are burnt. They are done. They do not wanna hear about it anymore. Don’t kid yourself. Should we go into the lightning round? Yes. Oh my God. Okay, yes. What’s one more reason to stay alive in 2022. Candy. And what I mean about that is that you can teach a young child about candy. Sometimes there are children in your area and of course you’re not left alone with them. Never be alone with a child. Learn that one. But if a child is being raised by someone who says oh no, we just don’t eat sugar. You teach that kid about candy. Yes. I’m all about corrupting the youth. What kind of food would you want to serve at your own wake or funeral? Well, it’s gonna be at a comedy open mic. I’ve decided that, ’cause- I love that. I attended the funeral of a comic who died of suicide, and it became an open mic where people went long. Everyone’s gonna get three minutes. You have a tight three for a death. Wrap it up. There’s gonna be someone with a light at my, my funeral. And then so I guess nachos, nachos, chicken, you know, chicken fingers. Some shareable. Well comedy club, a deep fried pickle. Oh that’s good. All right. One person in the entire world, alive or dead that you could share your final meal with. Oh I think my dad or yeah, my dad, or well, and my husband, my God. Oh, that’s a hard one. And the other one dies. My dad would understand. I think my husband would feel bad if I didn’t. Yeah. So I think, I think my husband. Yeah. Do you have any regrets in life? Yes. All of them, right. Oh my God. Just life is all regrets. People who say no, you’re so stupid. What’s the top three. I had a friend who died of suicide, who I felt like I really let down. That sucks. Yeah. And they died being mad at me. And so that sucked. Jesus. Yeah. Number two. Let me see, being sassily mean to people on stage, like people who heckle or, you know, are just drunk or whatever. I’ve definitely said some mean things to people on stage that I now regret, which were funny. But also unnecessary and unkind. You know, why not have some curiosity, say, oh, how’d you get here? I know how I got here tonight. What made you make out with your boyfriend in the front row? It seems like an odd place to have sex, but I love it. I offered you a third one. You don’t have to. Those are two really great third. Third thing that I regret, I think just not being more, having more friends. I just, I was very afraid of people and largely because of OCD. But also I had some weird ambition within me where I was like I’m gonna make it in this world. What I found out later is that ambitious, you just, you get the thing that you wanted, and then oh, you have it. It’s not that great. It’s not that exciting. Great segue into the last one. Are you happy? Yes. You seem so happy. I do feel happy. I did also have a nitro cold brew before I came. Just keep drinking ’em and you’ll keep being happy. Depakote, Seroquel, antipsychotic, Prozac. But yeah, and I’m also, I’m done. I’m fifty one, you know, I don’t really need to accomplish anything more. And as far as I’m concerned. I know. My manager might have something to say about that. Which is why we’re incredibly grateful that you’ve come on this show, despite not needing it at all. You didn’t need to do this at all. Why’d you do it. I do need other people. Like I need, oh my God, yeah. I need to commune and be a part of the world and yeah, for sure. I mean, this is enjoyable for me. I’ve had a great time. But in terms of oh do I need more success? I don’t, probably not. ‘Cause you know, once you’ve had it once. Yeah, sure. You go oh I see. I get it. And you still gotta like yourself, ’cause that’s who you go home with. So anyways. Maria if you could look into that camera right there, tell the people what your last words are. Thanks for everything and I’m sorry. I’m sorry too. I’m sorry for all this, but I’m not, I’m not. I agree. I’ve had a really awesome time. Thank you truly so much for giving your time and your insight, and your wisdom and your compassion, honestly. No, no, no. Thank you so much. This has been delightful. I cannot, I told my husband about what this was and he was just like, what, can I get on that show? Tell him to come down. We won’t roll, but I’ll make up a nice meal. Yeah, we can just hang out. And Maria, where can the people find you? I’m on Human Resources with on Netflix, which is a animated program by Nick Kroll. And then I’m also on Teenage Euthanasia on Adult Swim where I play a main character called trophy. It was a zombie comedy. That’s exciting. Yeah, it is. I like comedy. It is exciting. And if you don’t wanna watch any more television, don’t. You have the option. Yeah. You can just stop it. Christ. Stop. But pick up a fun sport like Jai alai. Do you have a friend? There’s a 24 hour squash club in Burbank that’s real. Oh really? Yeah, you can play squash any time of night or day. 24/7. They could save on electricity by closing from three to 6:00 AM, but they don’t. @mariahbamfoo on Twitter. I’m also Mariabanfordcomedy on Instagram, Mariabamford.com, or you could just Google Maria plus comedian. I think I am the only thing that comes up. We won the SEO wars. And thank you all so much for watching Mythical Kitchen. We got new episodes for you every week. We got new episodes for our podcast, A hot Dog is a Sandwich every Wednesday, wherever you get your podcast. Hit us up on Instagram and TikTok at Mythical Kitchen with pictures of your mythical dishes under hashtag #dreamsbecomefood. We do a lot of these videos. We do so much. Oh that’s great. It’s viral, I don’t know the words mean. It’s just sounds. We’ll see you all next time. Hey, do you like things on top of your head? Good news. We got a Mythical Trucker Hat. It is the only hat I wear and I am not just saying that ’cause this is an ad. So go get yours at mythical.com. It’s like a shirt for your face top.