Oh my God, the rice is like eating rocks. I broke a tooth, but other than that, it’s really good. I’m into this. Just as Victorian England was a hotbed for mustachioed serial killers, the internet has become a hotbed for a different kind of crime, a food crime. That’s right, the web has played host to some downright abominable creations, and today, we’re focusing on one of the worst offenders. Beef ‘n Go! In perfect unison. Everybody give it up for Ian and Anthony from Smosh. And you’re lasting legacy, especially in my life, Beef ‘n Go. Matches your shirt. I can’t believe we’re doing something relating to Beef ‘n Go. Beef ‘n Go is a mostly natural 100% ground beef meal for the person on the go. It was a crime that it was ever made, and it’s a crime that it’s still our most viewed video. If y’all could just go watch the Beef ‘n Go video, keep it on repeat. Keep refreshing. No, no. Tell your aunts and uncles everywhere. Let’s keep Beef ‘n Go number one! Beef ‘n Go! Kill it. I will say, I am proud for the two girls, one cup joke that we put in there. Yeah, yeah. That lives on forever. Me too. That’s still good. That’s aged like fine shit in a cup. Beef ‘n Go. Okay, we all gotta taste the Beef ‘n Go. We tried to recreate this. It is vegan and gluten-free. Okay. Okay. This is the 2023 Beef ‘n Go. Open it up, squirt it on our hands, and we’re all gonna massage it into our faces. Oh boy. Oh, you’re going straight on the fingerprints. Okay, I’m going to the back of my hand. Me too. Yeah. Oh, I took a lot. This is bringing up so many gross memories, ’cause I remember exactly how this tasted in the original video that we shot. And every single time, I gagged and could barely swallow it. But I was like, “We need a shot of you swallowing.” Yeah, I think we used, like, Hormel Chili or something like that. Oh, my heart is beating so fast. I squirted way too much. Why did I do so much? Oh my God, dude! Ride the lightning, brother. Why did I put it on this? I shook so many people’s hands right before this. Yes. Three, two, one. Oh my God. There’s something so gross about it being in this form. I don’t think I like it. Honestly, I’m okay with it. It’s not that bad when you get used to it, but just the, Savory the texture and just how warm it is and… Umami. Nicole, do you feel confident that you can redeem this food crime? No, this is, like, my ninth loss. No, I’m never confident anymore! Never, ever, ever, never! Me too. Let’s get to it. Let’s see if Nicole can overcome her crippling lack of self-confidence. America lags behind the world in many things. One, education. Two, public transportation. And three, meats in tubes. Which is why I’m glad that Ian and Anthony of Smosh.com pioneered Beef ‘n Go all the way back in insert date when it was made. 2000? When was that, 2000? Eight. Six? I think eight. Eight. 2008? Yeah. Yeah, ’cause I had the short hair. I had the short hair at that time. We are making a vegan gluten-free Beef ‘n Go right now. And my general strategy on this is to put as much flavor into a relatively disgusting concept as possible to sort of blind the palate. And the cuisine, to me, that has the most flavor pound for pound is Thai food. I absolutely love Thai food. So we’re gettin’ a bunch of aromatics. We’re gonna put it on crispy rice. We’ll figure it out, we’ll figure it out. Right now, we gotta saute some stuff. We got a pan goin’. We’re gonna get a whole lot of oil in there. We want some fat to mimic that sort of beef grease that the original Beef ‘n Go would’ve had. We’re gonna get a bunch of mushrooms in there. Mushrooms are meat except they grow as a plant, and they share a hive mind, and they’re polyamorous. That’s what I know about mushrooms. So the original Beef ‘n Go was like a cheap chili from a can. It was, like, the cheapest chili that we could find because it was the cheaper, the grosser. The grosser, the funnier. Yeah, and we’re not gonna spend more than $3 on a prop for a video. So I’ve dumped walnuts in there as well. And I once went to a fancy restaurant that had a vegan pate on the menu and they used walnuts. And so, I was like, that seems like a pretty good idea. Fantastic. Now, we got a bunch of other aromatics here. Lemongrass. Lemongrass is very, very fragrant. We’re gonna get that in there, start developing that. If you saute your aromatics in oil at a high heat, you get all that fun little flavor expression out there. Ditto with… Mm! Why don’t we just snack on peppercorns? We got fresh ginger going in there and then garlic. We’re gonna take these out and crush it a little bit. Give it a little palm heel strike action. Shout out Bas Rutten, Dutch MMA fighter, progenitor of the palm heel strike. Did you guys know it’s because he fought in a league where you weren’t allowed to throw closed fist strikes? And so, there’s this MMA thing back in the ’90s where they would just slap the hell out of each other, and that was one of the reasons the palm heel strike was invented. But I think it was also a combination of a WWE wrestling thing. Really strange. I’m glad that I’m not the one that’s Josh’s fiancee. I feel like it would get, it would just, just a little too much, you know what I mean? I was gonna say, I’m glad I’m not in the room to hear that, but I’m sitting here, and I still have to be subjected to hearing it. Beef ‘n Go is the only Smosh video I’ve ever seen. Like, before we acquired Smosh, and long before Smosh acquired Smosh, I had never seen a video except for Beef ‘n Go. And so, that’s why this episode is what it is. What? That’s why it’s so messed up that Beef ‘n Go’s our top viewed video, ’cause that’s what some people have watched only that video. That’s what they know Smosh as, and it’s messed up. We’re gonna add some toasted rice powder. This is a very heavy ingredient. It’s kinda got the aroma of burnt popcorn, but again, layering flavors, building a base. And then, I gotta see how spicy this is. These are roasted, dried, and ground Thai chilies. Gonna be a lot more potent than, like, an Italian crushed red pepper, which are coming from Calabrian chilies. Ah, just dumpy dumpy. Do they like spicy food? Ian and Anthony, I know you’re watching. Do you like spicy food? Can someone relay their answer? Yeah. Yes. I love spicy food. Ish. Yes. Sorta. This is cheating. We’ve never done this before, but I don’t care. I just want them to have a good experience. And then tamari. Tamari is… You ever say something is, and then realize you don’t know what it is at all? Tamari is a gluten-free soy sauce. Yeah, but like, how do they make it gluten-free? Because soy sauce is brewed with wheat, right? That’s why there’s glutens. Wheat is glutens. And glutens- Maybe they use buckwheat. Glutens are what attached to Tom Cruise’s soul, and then he has to purge them through an E-meter test. And they came from a volcano from Lord Xenu 5,000 years ago. I’m gettin’ it, I’m gettin’ it. Tamari’s goin’ in there. A little bit of sugar. Also, just like, this is the difference between an actual chef and me who thinks the moment you pour something in, you have to stir it. But he’s just like, whatever, and then that. And it’s cooking right now, and he’s just like, whatever. Like, it’s just sitting on the top. Ian, you need to watch more Good Mythical Kitchen so you could learn how to cook like a chef. Well, you need to watch more Mythical Kitchen to know it’s called Mythical Kitchen and not Good Mythical Kitchen. Oh, . I mean, this is about how I wanted it to look. I could drop a little bit more water in there. We’re gonna let this cook for, like, three, four minutes, and then we’re gonna pop it in that blender. And another factor is like, we didn’t really have internet at home. Like, even in the dial up era, we kinda just didn’t have it. So I went to a lot of public libraries, and there was just a lot of, like, just old dudes watching inappropriate, you know what I mean? You’ve been to a library. And then I didn’t have a smartphone until I was, like, 23, and I didn’t even own a laptop until 21. I had a desktop computer that I put in my college living room, I don’t know. I’d also never watched a GMM video or heard of it before I started working here. I watched some Dude Perfect. ‘Cause it was kind of sports. And then every time, you’d be like, “Oh, they threw a basketball from even higher.” So we’re just gonna blend this up. There should be a fair amount of steam. The idea is to really express all the fat outta the walnuts. It looks so bad. It’s such a disgusting color. Why is it white? Nah, this is the best ingredient you need for your kitchen. It’s called browning. The ingredients are brown. In a dystopian future where they reused humans and turned them into meat for other humans to eat, it would look like that. That’s true. Now we’re gonna, like, fiddlestick it around a little bit. Beef ‘n Go is brown. We may not know what the original one tasted like, but we know it was brown. Oh! Oh! This doesn’t look legal. Fantastic. It’s so hot. Oh my God, it’s so hot. Ooh, that’s a flavor that I’ve never encountered in my life before. This is just smoking and steaming. I wanna… Ooh. I really wonder if it’s good. Wait, is he gonna stick that rod back in there after licking it? This is what chefs do all the time though, that we don’t know about. Do you all remember a YouTube Short that we made, like, nine months ago where I rubbed truffle pate all over my face, and it was a joke about skin-care routine and nobody watched it, but I did get a rash? That was my idea. That was a good idea! Nicole, now, that’s a good idea. I told you, Nicole does have good ideas. We got our vegan, gluten-free, Thai-inspired Beef ‘n Go all beefed up. I’m really proud of the flavor development we got in there. I think this is a winning dish. I think I’m gonna plate it. We have a banana leaf, inexplicably, on a plate. I think he messed up though ’cause he should’ve had a black plate because then it would’ve had a higher contrast, and it would look more vibrant and inviting rather than the white plate. I think more like a slate. A slate. Slate would’ve been nice. Yeah, or maybe hand-chiseled stone. I’m gonna make a little dipping sauce right here. Again, I just wanna get as many herbs, and spices, and aromatics in there. We’re gonna add a little bit of sugar. It’s similar to, like, a Thai nam pla sauce. We’re adding some roasted Thai chilies in there. Again, I want this to be spicy. I want this to assault the palate, you know what I mean? We’re gonna get lime juice and then coconut aminos. Typically, I’d use fish sauce. I was not looking forward to this but now I kind of am. Yeah, yeah, when I thought that I was gonna just suck it out of the tube. Now, I’m looking forward to it though. Rice, we’re gonna make crispy rice. We got a bunch of rice laid out here. We’re lettin’ it air dry a little bit. I’m gonna create little nuggy nugs like little bricks. I feel like I smell that oil being way too hot for what I want. That’s okay. It’s okay. We haven’t had a good scorching in here in a while. Is that him washing his hands? What did he do? He just barely dipped his fingers into a small bowl of water and then went… This is also what he does- And then now he’s, oh God. This is what he does after he takes a shit too. Just gonna form little rectangles right here. Oh, it’s so he can form the rice. Without it getting stuck to his hands. Great. Drop that in. The oil is ice cold, fantastic. We got our crispy rice. We got our sauce. I’m gonna fill up the container a little bit more. The banana leaf is tacky as hell, and I can’t believe that I did that. It’s so dumb, why did I do that? We’re gonna add our Beef ‘n Go to the plate. I want this to be very interactive, right? Ian and Anthony, they’re both kinda, like, fun guys. They like doing fun stuff, and I think they’re really gonna enjoy… This looks so dumb now. Okay, it does look kind of dumb. Damn it. In my mind, it looked so cool, and now this sucks. Maybe if I just, like, mush it all together on the banana leaf. Maybe, uh, all right. And I was gonna put peanuts like, ah, this is so stupid. Ah man. All right, well, there it is. There you have it. We got our vegan Thai-inspired Beef ‘n Go in a tube. We got our crispy rice, our nam pla sauce made with coconut aminos and a little crushed peanuts for garnish. Nicole, you’re about to be O and nine. And Ian and Anthony, you’re in for the ride of your life. Oh, hi. Didn’t see you there. I was just chopping up a bunch of mushrooms. Now, I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m kind of a little bit sad that I’ve lost maybe, what, eight times, nine times? It might even be 10 times, who knows? Who’s keeping track? I’m not keeping track. Annaliese, are you keeping track? What? Yeah, she’s keeping track. Now, my dish is inspired by Peruvian flavors. It’s actually inspired by a causa, which is a beautiful mashed potato dish that’s layered, typically, with mashed potatoes and a protein, mashed potatoes and a protein. But we’re gonna kind of flip it on its head a little bit and do a mushroom saltado Beef ‘n Go tube with a wonderful disc of potato and then tons of gorgeous garnish for the guys to enjoy. That sounds good though. Okay, I’ve never had this Peruvian dish before. Neither have I, so this is gonna be all new. This sounds cool. So it could either be good or bad for our palates, you know? Yeah. Are we gonna vote for something ’cause it’s more familiar? But yeah, so in this pot right here, I have a ton of red bell pepper as well as red onion and garlic just sweatin’ about. And then over here we got just a plethora of shrooms. We have cremini mushrooms, we have oyster mushrooms. I’m just kind of bangin’ it up like this. You ever seen that scene in “Hereditary” where the girl is choppin’ the nuts? That’s me but with mushrooms. What’s the point of even chopping the mushrooms if they’re just gonna go in the blender? This dish is actually inspired by the causa jar at a restaurant called Rosaline. It is an incredible, incredible Peruvian restaurant, and they actually have a lot of gluten-free and vegan options. I actually went there with my gluten-free friend, and we had a blast. Oh wait, I’ve been there. Really? I was, literally, just there. What? Yeah, yeah. All right, now I got some of these dried shiitakes. These are gonna add in so much umami and so much flavor. They’re kind of like, the beefiest mushrooms ever are dried shiitake mushrooms. They impart this beautiful flavor, really deep, really dusky. Mix it up. And then, they were hangin’ out in some veggie broth, so we’re gonna add that in. I am all about umami, and I really do love mushrooms. I’m all about umami and mommy. Is Nicole mommy? Nicole’s mommy. And then we have a touch of maple syrup for some sweetness to cut through all that super salty umami stuff we’re goin’ with and oregano. So we’re just gonna cook this down for about maybe, like, 15, 20 minutes for it to get really, really deep and dark and super cooked down and infused with all this flavor. And then, we’re gonna blend it up. Okay, after that frantic mushroom saltado beat, here we are where it’s a little bit less crowded, a little bit more chill. I’m also a little bit more chill too, but I’m not gonna lie, just like this shirt, I’m a little distressed. Get it? I, literally, thought of that driving here this morning. I’m like, this joke is gonna blow everything out of the water. Everyone’s gonna laugh. Got, like, 50% of the room chuckled, a chortle, if you will. Oh man, she preplanned that joke? Oh no. So I got some Yukon Gold mashed potatoes already mashed up in here, and I’m just gonna do one last tater. Also, fun fact, I grew up watching Smosh. I definitely watched the Mortal Kombat video and the Pokemon video. I watched Beef ‘n Go when it came out. Yeah, I was an internet kid through and through. Oh, shit. I don’t know if she ever told me that. How long did you work with her? We shared the same space for, like, years. So this is kinda like a nice little moment where it’s like, “Hey, I used to watch you guys on the World Wide Web. Now I’m making you vegan Beef ‘n Go, you know? Full circle.” So I’m gonna take a little bit of, a little bit, a lot of plant butter. Ooh, it’s gonna be buttery. And the latent heat from the taters is going to start to melt this down a little bit. And then this guy, Aji Amarillo, one of the most delicious damn flavor bombs in the world, a Peruvian yellow pepper. I put this on, literally, everything. It is my secret ingredient. I use it when I make steak. I use it for, literally, everything, and it’s a wonderful, delicious add-on. And it makes things super yellow and really, really inviting. You know, I think what it takes to make good Beef ‘n Go is love. Yeah. And so, I do believe that Nicole will win this because she exudes more love than Josh, who’s just, he’s beefy in and of himself. He’s beef in a meat sack. Yeah. All right, so this is, literally, the perfect texture as you can see. Stunning, wow. Look at that, nice and orange. Love it. All right, potatoes done. Our Beef ‘n Go is done. Let’s get to plating. Okay, now is the time where I put stuff together, and we assemble our dish. And then that’s pretty much it. Yeah, I’m so excited. I’m overjoyed. She seems super confident about the dish. I’m going to press it into the ring mold and make a nice, round shining sun just like myself, nice and cheery. No, I’m actually excited about this. You know, this is probably one of my prettier plates. I’ve been making a lot of one-note colored foods for the food crimes show. But I’m like, no way, not anymore. Let’s amp it up a little bit. Let’s turn up the color, you know? She’s got the black stone. Oh yeah, she’s got the slate. Yeah. Or, like, marble or something. Yeah. So we got that. Stunning, wow, gorgeous. I love her so much. I’m gonna take some beet mayo. This is vegan mayo mixed with beets. That’s literally it. And look how pink it is. It’s stunning. Pretty. So I’m just gonna throw this on here, and then I’m gonna do this. Oh, this looks like some “Iron Chef” shit. Whoa! She just Iron Chefed that shit. You didn’t expect that, but it happened. Cool. And then I’m gonna take a little bit of, this is… Did you guys hear that? It was a ghost. I’m gonna take an oyster mushroom that was seared kind of like a steak. Yes! I mentioned oyster mushrooms. And then a little bit of some sweet, spicy, salty pecans on there. Very good, very nice. Now I’m gonna take some green stuff, also known as cilantro, and I’m gonna just start putting this wherever my heart desires kinda like Bob Ross and happy little trees. So happy. Look at that, gorgeous. Okay, maybe just… Is it working? Oh, ’cause it’s supposed to be random. This is a technique. Yeah. Blind yourself. This is some culinary school-ass plating, I’m not gonna lie. I, literally, did this in, like, 2014. But you know what? Trends are cyclical just like life. Like me watching Smosh when I was like, what, 13? Same thing, you know? And there you have it. This is my mushroom causa plate. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Well. Well. Here we are, the plussed up Beef ‘n Go. I was actually just expecting the beef on its own. I thought we were just gonna have to eat just the beef straight outta the tube, straight onto our tongue. So I’m very excited for this. They’ve both done some really great plating jobs. The funny thing is, when Josh plated his, we were like, “Ah, it would’ve looked much better on slate.” And then Nicole came in with the frickin’ slate out of nowhere. I mean, look at it! We got the yellow against the slate. We got the pink against the slate. Everything looks better against slate. Beautiful. This looks like something I- It looks like shit, Josh. Of course it looks like S H I T. Shush, I think it’s fine, I think it’s fine. I will say that because this looks so familiar, I’ve had things like this, I think this was the safe approach. But this, on the other hand, complete wild card. I’ve never had this dish before. It’s funny ’cause I was saying I haven’t really had Peruvian food. And then Nicole mentioned the spot that she went to, and I was like, “I was there a couple weeks ago.” So you have had Peruvian food. So I guess I have. But not anything like this. Yeah, nope, I didn’t have this. Just so Josh and Nicole know, we were betting on Nicole. We placed our bets on Nicole. We did. That’s nice. I hope she got 10-1 odds. She’s lost nine in a row. I really lost a lot of this. I have really done bad in this kind of episode. Oh yeah, we’re rooting for Nicole, but we’re not gonna be biased towards her. No, no. I’ve never lied in my life, so I can’t lie now. Exactly. All right, let’s… Let’s start with Josh. I feel like I’m going with the crispier one, right? Okay, sure, yeah. It’s called crispy rice. Are you gonna grab one too? Or are you gonna try to mooch off of me? Well, no, I was just gonna wait for you to set yours up. No, let’s do it at the same time. What do you mean? There’s only one bottle. Fine. Oh no. Josh, don’t worry, man. It’s fine. I don’t know how to handle loss. I’m stressed now. Is that too much? Oh God, it looks like a cat turd. Is that too much? No, I think that’s good. I will say, the color is entirely unappealing. I’m gonna… You’re gonna flatten it? Yeah, I did a little flattening action. I’m gonna use this to flatten it, just to give it some surface area for those nuts. There you go. Get some nuts on there. Okay. Okay. I’m gonna, did you just stick your whole hand in there? Mm. Okay, I got some nuts on top. Dip it? Dip it. Dip it and sip it. Dip it and sip it. This should evoke feelings of being in Thailand. Oh, the Thai special. Okay, cheers. Cheers. Oh my God, the rice is like eating rocks. I broke a tooth, but other than that, it’s really good. I’m into this. This is legitimately very good. Mm, give me more! I’m going back for seconds and thirds. Josh, could you have made crispy rice more crispier? Like, I’m gonna have to see a dentist after this. Here, I’ll give you some ASMR. Oh, gosh. That’s the sound of my teeth breaking. I’m so sorry. And I thought I chose the least crispy one. They’re enjoying it. They’re going back for seconds and thirds, that’s good. That’s good. That’s good. Why am I coddling you right now? I am emotionally needy, that’s why. Oh my God. The aftertaste, it lingers in a good way too. It’s lingering, which has me a little worried that maybe his food’s leading over into her food. Do we need a palate cleanser? Nah. All right, so how should we go about this? Should we just kind of blah, and then just kinda take from it? Sure, sure. Should I do like a turd? I’ll Dua Lipa. Okay. Yeah, that’s good. Just as long as we get some with each bite. Nothing coming out of a tube like this ever looks appetizing. Just as the Peruvians would do it, is what I say. All right, so this is like mashed potatoes. Okay, we need some of the oyster mushroom. Get the oyster mushroom. We’re gonna have to pull that apart. Yeah, here. Teamwork. I’ll hold it. You pull it. Hold it. Hold it and pull it. See you later, bye. Okay, there we go. It’s been dismembered. I feel like we should try it once without the mushroom. Why? Just to get a more pure, you know, sense for it. Okay, okay. Then we’ll go for the full thing. Right. Okay. Cheers. Cheers. Oh. Uh-oh. Hmm. Ooh. Oh, they like it. They like it. It’s legitimately like this could be an imitation beef almost. I would eat this straight outta the tube, which is really weird to say. All right, let’s try… I feel like we gotta eat it the way- It looks so gross. So gross. We gotta eat it the way she intended with all the ingredients in one bite, right? So you want that mushroom? I’ll take this mushroom. Here, I’m gonna cut this a little bit smaller ’cause I got some- Oh, should we get the pink sauce, some of the pink sauce? Oh, for sure. She said it’s vegan mayo and beet? Yeah. Okay. All right. I’ll get a tomato there. All right. Cheers. Cheers. It’s good. You know, I like all of it. I don’t think I need it all together. Yeah. Like, I like the potatoes. Ooh, the cilantro is actually very good. Oh, great. Glad they like the cilantro. We’re two busy boys on the go. We need our meat or meat alternatives ready for our mouths whenever. You don’t have time to make crispy rice. Immediately straight into being digested. Yeah. So, with that, I will say, and I think you’re gonna say it as well. I think I will as well. Nicole has created, . Sorry, burp. Nicole has created the better beef. Woo! Winner. Our winner! Our winner. Stop, he’s mine! Our very close runner up. I appreciate the nice words. This is my first win. Everybody, Nicole’s first win. She finally did it. It only took eight tries! And now I’m gonna go into a downward spiral because I don’t know how to handle loss or rejection in my life. I never developed healthy coping mechanisms. Yeah. Me neither. Relatable, bro. I’m goin’ to Disneyland! Yeah. Ian and Anthony, thank you so much for judging. Thank you. Thank you so much. And being incredibly impartial, except for all the times when you said that you were really biased towards Nicole. But other than that, and thank you for bringing Beef ‘n Go to the world. Again, America, we need to fix our public education system and also have more meats in tubes. Everybody, check out Smosh, they’re back in action. Smosh Pit, Smosh Games. Y’all got anything else to plug? Our future two boys, one cup video. Oh. Oh! Oh boy. Oh no, you dropped it. Oh no, I got more on my shirt. You got beef spatter everywhere. I’m sorry, I have intrusive thoughts. Love you, bye. Bye. See you all next time. Whisk up your next fire meal with the Mythical Kitchen Utensils Set available now at mythical.com.