Can a vegan cheesesteak ever be as good as the real thing? Welcome back to another riveting edition of Can Anybody Stop Lily’s Absolute Reign of Terror Over the Mythical Kitchen Food Battles. Now, as commissioner of this league, I’ve decided that she is too good, we need to even the playing field. My initial idea was to throw banana peels at her feet as she cooked to see if she slipped. But instead, we’ll be giving her an even harder challenge. Today we’ll be making cheesesteaks, Lily. Okay. And yours must be vegan. Oh no! Vegan, oh it says vegan. You have to make a vegan cheesesteak. Okay, okay, that’s fine. I’m up for the challenge because I am the GOAT for real. You, you are, you are what now? I am the GOAT for real. You’re the GOAT for, what is GOAT, what does that mean? Greatest of all time. And for real, like you are, you’re, you’re the GOAT? For, just to let you know. Oh, you’re the GOAT for real. Yes. To make up for that, you get to choose. Any single person behind you to be your teammate today, except Trevor. Obviously I want Nicole. Obviously. Yeah. Alright. I thought, that we had something special. Bro, hey. No, I’m kidding, hey. I know it’s been a while since I’ve won, and I know you’ve had a great run with Lily here. Here’s the thing about Josh and I, is no matter what happens, we have a lot of fun together. Okay? So. So do we. That’s, that’s what really counts. And we win. Yeah. And, I’m excited to take Lily down. I think Josh and I can do it. I don’t think so. Okay. Boo! Shut up! That was so uncalled for. I could never be a vegan, and I know you couldn’t either. Oh, hell no. Yeah, we’re making a vegan Philly cheesesteak, and I’m fully up for the challenge. I’m not! I don’t think it’s gonna be that great! It’s gonna be great, Nicole! We’re gonna win, okay? The third word in that recipe is steak. We don’t have anything about Philly. This is steak today. The hen of the woods mushrooms are gonna be steak today. Yes, hen of the woods. Hen is meat. Yes, you know why they’re called hen of the woods? Oh, I would love to know. Because they look like a hen laying on their eggs. That is such a lie. No, it’s, yes it does. What about this? Well, I cut it up. That’s a quarter of a hen. Okay, so, okay, according to Lily’s logic, let’s see. Does that not look like a hen? I see it. Yeah, like, it’s got little feathers. Don’t encourage this kind of behavior. Oh, what do you mean? – Yes! – Oh, like the feathers? Like, it’s like sleeping like this? Yeah, on its eggs. Oh! It’s keeping it warm. Okay, okay, now I see the vision. Okay, we’re really smoking up, so. Yeah, we’re smoking hot. Over here, I’m going to make a vegan Cheez Whiz. This is all vegan stuff. This is vegan butter. This is vegan flour. It’s just regular flour. That’s a good one. And I’m gonna make a little roux. That’s why you’re the GOAT for real. I’m, oh yeah, for real. For real, for real. And what are you making over there, Nicole? I guess I’m gonna take these mushrooms and I’m just gonna put them in this really hot cast iron skillet. I am going to fill the pan quite heavily. And then I’m gonna take this here other cast iron. And push it down. I’m gonna try to compact it, and then we’re gonna create this beautiful marinade that’s full of lots of umami, yummy stuff. I love it. So, it emulates meat, but it ain’t meat. I’m really excited about it. That’s why I like, maitake mushrooms, because they are super meaty. And mushrooms are a great substitute for meat. Okay, I’ve had like a love hate relationship with vegan food. Okay. Especially when, like, they were coming out with impossible meat, and all of that. I’m like, just eat a vegetable. But if you accept vegan food for its own thing Then it’s pretty good. Like there’s some good vegan product. Why is your shoe? Can I use my shoe to weigh this down? You’re gonna melt your Croc. Do you think it’ll melt? Okay, this is looking super nutty, we have some soy milk here. Picked soy milk because it’s kind of just like a neutral milk substitute. I think, like, almond can be sometimes too flavorful. I agree with you. I agree. So, we’re. But look at that! Look at that beautiful browning! Isn’t that stunning? We’re good at cooking! This is looking pretty promising. That looks like something’s gonna happen. I don’t know. I don’t have faith in us. Why? This is not the attitude that we need this morning. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I’m sorry. But there’s something about making a cheesesteak without any cheese or steak that’s kind of rubbing me the wrong way. Okay, I do, love a cheesesteak when there’s steak in it. So, I don’t know how this is going to end up either, but. You know what? I have to stop being a negative Nance. Yeah. I don’t think it’s helping me. We got this. Yeah, yeah. So, I’m going to start fiddling around with this marinade. We have some Lily recommended, vegan cheese. – I actually use this in my. – Did you say Lily recommended? Yeah, instead of Sporked recommended. I’m starting my own, website. Yeah? What is it called? Lorked. Lorked? Yeah, instead of Sporked. They’re coming for your brand. I know. Speaking of which, what if I told you Sporked just came out with an incredible article saying what canned vegetable you are based off of your zodiac sign? No way! What are you? I’m canned pumpkin. Oh, nice. Do you want to know why? Why? Because canned pumpkin, is all about deceit. It’s all about lies and two timing people because there is no real pumpkin in canned pumpkin. It’s a basic ass squash, but Geminis don’t ever want you to know the truth. All we want to do is lie and cheat. Are you saying you’re fake? Yeah. Yeah, that’s it. So yeah, go to Sporked.com, find out if you’re a liar, cheat, and fake I got vegan American. This is actually really good vegan American. It melts really nicely. There’s nothing American about that. There’s a lot of vegans that are American, that live here, that are gonna be very upset. Lily and I are the most American people on Mythical Kitchen, okay? You’re never gonna take my beef, you’re never gonna take my truck! I’m putting jalapeño powder. Can I try it? Yeah. Can I try it? Yeah. Tastes like nothing. No, it tastes like something. Should we put it in there? Yeah, let’s get crazy. It is very. Oh! It is veering towards queso territory, but YOLO swag, GOAT for real. It’s fine. I got Bragg’s Nutritional Yeast, bring this to your local movie theater, put it on your popcorn. Yeah, one time I did that, and my husband was like, ew. And then, that’s the story. Okay, this is looking really nice. I’m gonna let this thicken up and let the cheese melt a little bit more. But then we’re gonna let it cool and put it in an iSi canister. To really emulate the Cheez Whiz. We’re putting it in an iSi canister? Yeah. Dude, everyone in Philly’s gonna cuss us out. It, Cheez Whiz comes in a aerosol canister thing. Cheez Whiz comes in a jar. Oh, you’re right. You’re thinking of Easy Cheese. Go Birds! I’m thinking of Easy Cheese. Okay, we’re still gonna put it in an iSi because it’s gonna be cool. Fine. Okay, we’re gonna win. This is looking nice. The jalapeño powder is stuck in my throat right now. – Yeah. – I’m gonna take this off the heat. I’m not feeling my Mythical best right now. Okay, I’m just gonna baste these, turn them around, flip them about, see what’s up, and then we’re gonna assemble our cheesesteak. Hey. Hey. What are you doing? I’m just gonna cook this, this cheesesteak. You want to see our mushrooms? Yeah. Ta da! They’re so cool. – I took a little. – They’re mushrooms. I took a pair of scissors and I, you know, I went hacky hacky on it. It looks like steak in a way that it looks like mushrooms. Oh my goodness. Well, I’m just gonna start cooking up these onions because the best part about cheesesteak, especially if it’s vegan, is the onions. I’m gonna cut up this vegan parsley and for vegan cheesesteak. We also made some homemade sweet potato, vegan, hoagie rolls. Because why not? Yeah. Because why the F not? Yeah, Josh and Trevor are probably not making their own rolls. No, they’re probably gonna use an Amoroso roll. Ooh, Amoroso! That liberal crap isn’t gonna save you! Don’t tread on me! I’m also gonna take some of these here cherry peppers, get that nice and cooked out and sautéed in there as well. I’m gonna try this, you wanna try this? Yeah. What do they, what do they do in college? Slap the bag. Oh, slap the bag. There we go. You made my eyes sweat. That was pretty good. That was pretty good. You got nothing. You’re just doing whippets now. Okay, it’s not coming out. I might need to put another thing in it. Do it, do it, do it. You know, this is real cooking. Sometimes your iSi canister’s not working because your whippets are expired. Okay, let’s stuff this bad boy. Let’s stuff it. – Okay. – It’s nice and warm inside. Efficient, right? Yeah. That looks good. I really love the color of this bread. Yeah, it’s nice and orange for the vegan lovers out there. Oh my God. I think those, pickled peppers were quite spicy. Yeah. Okay, it’s not that bad. Grow up! Literally. We’re cooking. Can you have some respect? Yeah, we’re cooking here. Have some respect. Is that filled enough? Yeah, that looks good. Okay, nice. I’m gonna take this. Okay. And just. That’s crazy! Let it. Oh my God, that’s crazy! And then, tin foil. Okay. Yeah, for the real Philly experience. Girl, you crazy. And let it steam. There she is. Our vegan baby. You gotta ask yourself, why are Lily and Nicole making a vegan cheesesteak? Is it because we said they had to? Or is it because they hate our freedoms? I know where I stand on this issue. Do you? Do you? I do know where I stand on it. I don’t. I’m doing my own research. Oh God, oh God. We got a good ol’ red blooded American steak, and I’m just gonna hack this up. You know what? There’s two ingredients in a cheesesteak. Cheese and steak. Sometimes onions, that’s three. Bread. Peppercorns, bread, that’s five. Salt. Salt, gotta have it. Oh, we’re making a lovely, green peppercorn sauce au poivre. Oh, so that’s cognac, heavy cream. But so we’re, there’s only 13 to 16 ingredients in a cheesesteak. And one of them is steak. And so we’re gonna start slicing this up. Trevor, you wanna gimme a rough chop of that onion toast? Heat up some peppercorns. Yeah, I do. I do. I do. Yeah, man. See, here’s this thing. There’s all this talk, like, oh, I’m the GOAT. I’m the GOAT. But Lily’s not actually the GOAT. She’s like, oh, like I’m the LeBron of Mythical Kitchen. But we’re the real GOATs, cause we’re Jamal Murray and Nikola Jokić Yeah, wait, who’s the, big Eastern European that hates basketball and just wants to play with his horses all day? Me or you? That can be you if you want. I don’t know. God, I want it. No, I don’t like horses, man. A horse bit me when I was 12 years old. You probably deserved it. No, that’s victim blaming. I was at sixth grade science camp and they had a horse there and somebody said that I should stick my hand out and let the horse smell it. And I said, I think that’s dogs. And they said, horses are basically dogs. And I said, in what sense? And then I had a granola bar in a pocket that was on a snow jacket that was here and I think the horse smelled the granola and then the horse bit my forearm. And that was about it. But I still don’t like horses. Sorry, what were you saying? Huh? I was really, really focused on this onion. I’m just talking about all my biggest childhood traumas. Oh, like about the horse and stuff? Yeah. The key that I think a lot of people don’t do when they’re making cheesesteaks at home is try and get it as razor thin as possible. And you can do it if you use a little pre-frozen ribeye. Yeah. Take a sharp knife and you just sort of slice away at it, but then also gonna bash it up in that bag. You’re gonna bash it up in that bag? Yeah. I think, you know, part of cooking a cheesesteak is a lot of aggression. You go to Philly, that’s a very aggressive city. Yeah. You know, I found they’re very nice. But they are aggressive and also lead the nation in Twisted Tea consumption. And when I went to Philly, I led Philly, who leads a nation in Twisted Tea consumption, in Twisted Tea consumption. We would walk into bars and go, give me the Philly special. The bartenders would go, what do you think that means? And I said, Twisted Tea and a shot of JMO. And, and if that isn’t aggressive, brother, I do not know what is. Dude, Philly sounds awesome. So, in Philly also, when they were talking about the Twisted Tea consumption, they go, yeah, we also lead the nation in sweatpants. And I go, like, buying them or wearing them? He goes, yeah, both. I’m just bashing up my beef in a sack right now. It’s a real elegant cooking method and I think it’s really gonna work in our favor. So, I’m kinda just creating like a sheet. You’re still getting like heavily articulated slices, you know what I mean? But also it’s going to be bashed up. Okay, okay. You picking up what I’m putting down? Dude, I’m picking it up. We’re tenderizing it, we’re rolling it out with oyster sauce a little bit. Dude, I got bad wrists, I think. What? Yeah, you got the wrists of like, an anemic Victorian orphan. Okay, dude. You know, what? I think it’s just because I’ve been doing some pretty hardcore gaming recently. That’s what they’re calling it these days, huh? I’ve been hitting Aimlabs. And jerking off. See, we got this sheet meat that’s really beaten out. Just like, this guy’s been beaten out his sheet. – Nice. – I don’t like that. Looks like Steak-Umms. Yeah, looks like Steak-Umms Steak-Umms are what? A great American product. Yes, great American product. You know where that nutritional yeast is made? Bragg. Doesn’t sound American to me. – Maybe Canadian. – Canadian. Oh yeah, see. Oh yeah. Bragg. All right. Okay, we got a bunch of, that’s pretty good. Don’t. It’s like when they make mochi, you reach in and you pound it. Do it. Go, go, go. Go. Do it. Gotta go faster. Gotta go faster. I don’t want to be responsible. I don’t want to be responsible. Take a lot of super, super coarse ground pepper. Salt in there. And then it’s gonna mash it up in the hands. We got the onions going. We’re gonna fry up some steak. Fry up some onions. And we’re gonna build this cheesesteak. That’s awesome. Dude, I’m pumped. Give me your best eagle screech. Trevor, it’s 11:30 PM. The Flyers just won the Stanley Cup. We’re at Jim’s on South Street. You got a bunch of happy, albeit, lighting cars on fire Broad Street Bullies fans. Come down the road, they’re all lit, on Twisted Teas, they’re wearing sweatpants, we gotta get them a sandwich, so let’s get to it! I’m gonna say the F word more than anyone has said the F word before! They did say that. We got onions going, we’re dropping down, what are you, what are you writing? Well, I don’t have anything to do. Yeah, well okay, I’m gonna cook the steak and the onions here, and then we’re gonna use the same pan to build our sauce, and we’re gonna put the cheese in there. So, once this is finished cooking, I’m gonna pop that in that roll, so I need you here. Yeah. Open just like. I’ll be your bun man. Keith Tkachuk, is he on the Flyers? Sure. I don’t know man, I don’t watch hockey. I don’t know hockey players. I don’t know hockey. I’m gonna start taking this, I’m gonna start doing some of these. You give me like a 20 second warning on your bun. I gotcha, I gotcha man. I think people cook a lot of Philly cheesesteaks on too high of a heat, they’re trying to get a lot of browning on it, you don’t want that. All the good Philly cheesesteak meat, pretty gray. Pretty gray you say? Well that’s like the color of Steak-Umms So, that’s great. I’m gonna ask, what are you, oh, you’re drawing, are you playing a game of hangman by yourself? No. Were you the kid that would like, toss a football up as high as he could in the air and then run under it and try and catch it because he didn’t have any friends to play football with? Dude, can you like, stop? I was that kid. I’m gonna taste some of this raw meat, see if it’s seasoned well. A little bit more salt, a little bit more pepper. We got some mimolette cheese and some Comté cheese. Friends forever. Cause I gave you glasses and I gave me a little cross earring. You want some raw meat? Friends. Nice. That tastes good! Right? A lot of black pepper. Yeah! It’s all done there. Trevor, what’s your favorite French cheese? Fromager. We got some Comté and we got some mimolette in there. I don’t know that I have a favorite French cheese. I’m gonna bash this up. Try, you try those cheeses, it’s actually really nice. Oh yeah. And we got some green peppercorns that I’ve, marinated in some red wine vinegar. Kind of softens them up. Dude. Take some of the Comté. Okay, I’m gonna take some of that mimolette. See, I had a different idea, but yours is good, yours is good. What was your idea? I’m open to ideas. My idea wasn’t like anything, it didn’t have to do with cooking. This is good, this is good. I was gonna make a little, I was saying we should make a little circle in the middle, and then have like a little pool of cheese, cause it would be cool looking. Just a little cheese pool? Just a little cheese pool, just for fun. That’s pretty fun too. But we don’t, it’s not. This is better. Well, I don’t know. I feel like we should just start this all over again. No, it was a crappy idea. No, it wasn’t a crappy idea, Trevor. No, it was a crappy idea. It was a crappy execution because you came in all weak and timid. Here, try this steak. No, because you know what, I’m American. Dude, this rocks. This rocks. We get to eat this, or no? Yeah, well, I mean, the judge’s gonna take one bite, I’m gonna wrestle it out of their. Okay, okay, I’m your bun man, I’m your bun man. Your hands are gonna get scalded. Nope. They’re going to get scalded. Look at that, that was clean. It’s pretty nice, man. That was good. Oh! Oh, how we doing, how we doing? Dude, it just looks really good. We gotta mash it, we gotta mash it. Okay, well, you’re my mash man, I’m your bun man. I’m your mash man, you’re my bun man. That’s a hot onion on my hand. Really mash it. Perfect, perfect, now. I don’t know what to do with it. Here, give me that, give me that. Hot, hot, hot, hot! Cause I need the pan. Yeah. This is for us, yeah? This is for us, right? Yeah, yeah, this is snacking meat. Oh my God! Cause now we’re gonna take this. Boom. We got some cheese bits in there. Gonna take some butter. Crap, I don’t. That’s how they do it in Philly, baby. Take some butter. This is how they do it in Philly. Toss it in the steak pan. Okay, cool. We’re gonna get shallots. Just like they do in Philly. Putting the shallots in the pan sauce. You have that butter melting and you want to scrape up all those bits in the bottom with your official Mythical chicken spatula. We’re gonna take a fair amount of cognac, splash that in there, let that smell that, Lily was ripping whippets, so we can get a high off vaporized alcohol. That’s beautiful. See, what you did here is you put the. What do you mean? A little bit of water, a little bit of water. You put this, I’ll hold it. You put a little bit of water. You got this Trev, right? A little more water. You cool holding that though? Yeah, dude. All right. Great, great, great. I got two hands, so. That’s perfect. I got it if you need help. I think it’s looking pretty good. Do you think that cognac’s cooked out enough? Sure, dude. You sure? Yeah. I don’t know. You don’t seem very confident. Well, I didn’t, I’m really focused on holding this. Wet cream. Cream? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take it off the heat when you add your cream. I’ve heard that cream, makes alcohol not as. Who told you that? Who told you that, Trevor? Cream makes alcohol not? You caught me. Never heard that. Now it tastes bad. – Here’s the beautiful thing – Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We don’t have to put it on, dude. I don’t know, I feel like we have to. Here’s the thing is that we have a perfect cheesesteak already. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. I don’t know. We literally have a perfect cheesesteak. No, I just, I don’t know. Let me figure this out, let me figure this out. I’m gonna try and like reduce this cream a little bit. I feel like it can taste good. This is where Josh participates in something called self-sabotaging. No, I think it’s gonna be good. You can use it for something else. We could just put it on that and have it as a treat. What if we like did a little bit of this? Couple splashes of vin. You’re really trying to let the vegans have a chance to win, huh? No, I don’t know. It’s self-sabotage. I could have grabbed a plate like five minutes ago. Hold on, Trevor. Wait, try this. That’s a small plate. I got my greasy fingers on it. Yeah, hold on. Try the liquor milk. Liquor milk? Try the liquor milk. Here. God. That’s not very American. That sounds. Dude, yeah, why would we put that on here? What, you don’t like it? Wait, is it bad? It’s terrible. I don’t know. Do you like it? I feel like I have to put it on now. Put it on! So, now imagine if you took a cognac and mixed it with cream. I think this is good! You think it’s good? I think this is good! I trust your judgment. We got a little bit of beef broth to reduce in there. I think it’d be better. I think we have to, Trevor, put it, we’re putting it on the sandwich. Okay, no, no, no. We can, we can. Put it on the sandwich. Look, man, you’re the boss. I am but your humble sous-chef. Yes, Chef. We’re putting, we’re putting this. Dude. Little bit of a plop on the steak. You’re right, you know, we gotta, oh my God. You don’t have to put all of it. No, I’m still, here, just drench it. There we go, there it is, there we go. We have it. And we’re happy about our dish. I really respect you wanting to give Lily and Nicole a chance to win. There you have it. I really respect you. Our French bistro in South Philly inspired cheesesteak. Gosh dang it, man, I don’t know why I’m being a hater. It’s gonna be awesome. It’s gonna be so good. Now you’re asking the question, did we fudge up? I know, we fudged up, we fudged up, I fudged up. We didn’t fudge up, I fudged up. No, no, no. I was like Washington crossing the Delaware. Dude, well, no, what you do, yeah, try it. It’s good. Come on. No more dillying. Not even a bit more dallying. Lily, it’s time to meet your maker. Adelaide, welcome to Mythical Kitchen. Thanks. Happy to be here. Do you feel prepared to give the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you Oklahoma God? I do. I thought you were going for a high five. I forgot you raise your right hand when you make oaths. I’ll take it. You have two cheesesteaks in front of you. You will eat each one and decide which is the winner. Which one do you want to start with? This one. Okay, Adelaide, do you like spicy? Ish. Okay, well, we have a spicy Philly cheesesteak on a homemade sweet potato roll, and a homemade iSi Cheez Whiz. Wow. Enjoy. Okay. You’re impressed by the iSi Cheez Whiz, right? I’m impressed by the cheese. It’s not jar. Perhaps the most cheese will win, because I love cheese. Ooh. Hopefully you love spicy. Yeah. Yeah, it’s good. I can’t. Let me help you. How are you enjoying the meat in there? Are you finding it tender? – Good? – Not enough cheese. – Okay. – Okay. Okay. We can get you more. Okay. Run to the store, and grab Kraft Singles. Adelaide, on your right, here you have a cheesesteak au poivre. We have used not one, not three, but two kinds of cheese. We have Comté and we have mimolette in there. – Wow. – May I cut it in half for you? I don’t even know what those cheeses are. They are French, they are very nice. And then we have made. Oh my God, yes. This is some side cheese for snacking. Yeah, I want all of that in there. Adelaide, as you will see, there is plenty of cheese. Please take a bite. You’ve done good, Trevor. You’ve distracted them. Mmm. Some would say, Adelaide, that was a much more self-satisfied mmm than the first sandwich. We got it made in the shade. It was pretty good. What do you taste in there? Is it spicy? Are you getting some nice tenderness off the beef? Is it juicy? Getting some good bread goo? Yeah. I think everything’s balanced really well in this one. I am impressed by a sweet potato roll though. I’ve never seen anything like that. Adelaide, do you think that you can make a decision as to who wins this battle right now? Yeah, I think so. Adelaide, on the count of 3, I’m gonna give you a 3, 2, 1. On 1, you put your hand over the winning dish in 3, 2, 1. But this is so sad. This is so sad. Nicole is so sad. It’s okay. You can still change your mind. Just, just do it. You want cheese? I have cheese. You’re gonna put your hand over the winning dish in 3, 2, 1. Yes! That’s right! In a perfectly fair battle, we didn’t even, we didn’t even throw banana peels under Lily’s feet like we were gonna. Well, I have some news for you. This is actually vegan. Oh, wow. And that was the challenge, because I win so much, and they made me do vegan. Okay, I would have never known. Really? Okay, that’s so good. Yeah. You should be so proud of yourself. We did it. You guys were like, how does the meat taste? Yeah, you set us up. Dude, we’re so good at cooking. I did so much personally. It’s good. I could tell there was a lot of love in both of these dishes. Yeah, not even an ounce of spite or anything. Lily, I don’t even feel good accepting this win. I don’t even want the asterisk. I think we wipe this from the record. I feel good. I want it. That is a really cool sandwich. Super inventive. You rule. Adelaide, thank you so much for being a fair and impartial judge today. And Trevor, dude, we rock. Thanks for vibing out, man. We’re just out here vibing. We’re out here vibing. Doing it for America. Give them the eagle screech. See y’all next time. Canned vegetables are the new Zodiac signs. Check out what canned vegetable you are at Sporked.com