Come on, man. If we don’t leave soon, we’re gonna be unfashionably late for the Renaissance Faire. Renaissance? I thought you said Rent a Séance? Rent a Séance? That’s not even a thing. Well, I wish you would have told me that before I put down the non-refundable deposit to rent the séance. Which, according to Mystic Movein27 on Craigslist, begins in half an hour. -(doorbell rings) -Who could that be? I don’t know. Let’s find out. Oh, spirits from beyond, who is at the door? Hello, kind sir. My name is Lucy. I’m here raising funds for a very important cause. I only need a few moments of your time. Sorry, little girl, but we’ve got grown-up matters to deal with. Reply hazy. Try again. Please, sirs, just allow me to tell you my story. Okay. You got five minutes. Six if it’s riveting. The year was 1850. America’s borders were still expanding. Unexplored lands held untouched treasures, and President Zachary Taylor was determined to find them. RHETT: Wait. Is this your story or just a story? LUCY: It’s a story that is also my story. For the president’s first expedition, he enlisted two explorers. Fairweather Linkus and Billam Rharck. Mr. President? Ah, Rhark! You are the nation’s finest fur trapper. If I were an animal with a silky soft coat, I would think twice before rubbing my scent glands on your tree, huh? Mr. President, it would be an honor for you to completely unload your scent glands on my tree. And Linkus, you’re a brilliant Harvard-trained cartographer and the son of my old college chum. How is your father, my boy? I’m still scared of him. Mm-hmm. Men, I teamed you up to embark on an epic journey. The presidents before me have nobly sought to expand America’s borders. They’ve done westward expansion, southward expansion, northward expansion. But there’s one direction we haven’t gone yet. Down. -Down? -That’s right! Downward expansion! You probably think the world is, is solid like a hardboiled egg, huh? -Right! -Wrong! It’s actually hollow, like a normal egg, but blown out for Easter. And within it is an unspoiled frontier with troves of resources to be claimed. Just as I learned in 19th century college. And now we come to it, your grand assignment. You two will take this map and find the thinnest spot in the Earth’s crust so you can break through and plant the American flag inside the world. It would be a privilege, Mr. President. I just want to please my dad. You’re embarking on a monumental journey and the two of you couldn’t be a more unlikely match. When all is said and done, you’ll have grown together like two bananas that have fused into one huge banana. Mm-hmm. The trail calls your name, boys! LUCY: Linkus and Rhark embarked on a journey that would take them and America down. ♪ We’ve gone east, west, north and south ♪ ♪ But now this country needs to go down ♪ ♪ We got a high calling for adventure ♪ ♪ And high-dollar hiking boots ♪ ♪ Bringing highly-refined culture ♪ ♪ With knives that stab and guns that shoot ♪ ♪ In search of unspoiled land ♪ ♪ For unspoiled men to claim ♪ ♪ Just because it’s beneath us ♪ ♪ Doesn’t mean it’s beneath us to say ♪ ♪ Down with America ♪ ♪ Dig down, dig down ♪ ♪ A new world underneath us ♪ ♪ Yep, that’s where we’re bound ♪ ♪ Down with America ♪ ♪ Dig down, dig down ♪ ♪ Claiming our manifest destination ♪ ♪ Underneath the ground ♪ ♪ We’ll poke and probe Mother Earth ♪ ♪ And hope something turns up ♪ ♪ But no matter what we unearth ♪ ♪ We’ll find a way to make it burn up ♪ ♪ If there’s people living down there ♪ ♪ We’ll show ’em we’re not jerks ♪ ♪ We’ll learn ’em all how to dress proper ♪ ♪ And put ’em straight to work ♪ ♪ Down with America ♪ ♪ Dig down, dig down ♪ ♪ Scraping out every last ounce ♪ ♪ Of the treasures we found ♪ ♪ Down with America ♪ ♪ Dig down, dig down ♪ ♪ We’re doing our part ♪ ♪ Leaving our mark from the inside out. ♪ ♪ ♪ According to our trusty map and my well-honed cartographic skills, we should be approaching the thinnest part of the Earth’s crust momentarily. We should tread lightly. I think we passed that tree before. Nope. New tree. Trees tend to imitate each other. It’s a common tree tactic to confuse explorers. You may have learned that in your fancy Ivy League school. But we’re not even looking for ivy. What we really need to find is water, and that boulder looks like a good place to start. It’s dry as a bone. Somebody must have beat us to it. Perhaps an elephant. Are you sure you’re a famous trapper? The only thing I’ve seen you trap looked suspiciously like store-bought cold cuts. How dare you doubt my credentials! This is fresh rabbit. Let me see that. Ahh! What is this scary metal mouth monster? It’s a bear trap. You’re not really a trapper, are you? Okay, I’m not a trapper. I’m a wrapper. Give me your hand. Merry Christmas. Huh! Ah, a new hand! I needed one of these. Thanks for thinking of… Your lies have jeopardized this entire mission! I should kill you right now. But I’ll let time and the woodpeckers do it. ♪ ♪ I just watched you walk in a circle. No, you didn’t. Ahh! (crying) Yeah, there’s another bear trap right there. You’re not really a cartographer, are you? Harvard teaches academic cartography. No one ever thought there’d be real-world application for maps. I guess we’re both frauds. And we’re both gonna die of starvation. Oh, I don’t think so. I think that bear’s gonna kill us first. (growls) (screaming) Well, that’s six minutes. Thanks for your time. No, no, no, no! Little girl, what happened to the bear? Did Linkus and Rhark live? Is that the end? Actually, no. The bear turned out to be a resourceful indigenous woman. (yawns) You two are idiots. Who are you? I’m Vanessajawea. Wow, we’ve never seen a real native person before. Only white people playing them in theatrical productions. This is aloe vera. We use it as an antiseptic. I’m pretty sure you can’t just use plants as medicine like that. But you could convince me of anything. Mr. Vanessajawea is a lucky guy. There is no Mr. Vanessajawea. And that’s not how names work. I am an independent woman. -Jerry and I only need each other. -(baby coos) Well, one day, little Jerry’s gonna need somebody to teach him how to do man things. And I could pay for the lessons. The last time men like you came here, it was to claim the land as their own, kill people, and spread disease. What brings you to this neck of the woods? Well, for starters, it’s not gonna be anything like that. Right. It’s gonna be exactly like that, only underground. Not sure if you’re aware, but the Earth is an Easter egg. And inside is a whole world with treasures untold. And as it is our divine right granted by the American God… -We will break– -We will break– -The Earth’s not hollow. -Huh? -Huh? It’s solid and comprised of concentric layers. -The crust, mantle, outer core, inner core. -(baby fusses) All told, it’s 4,000 miles to the Earth’s center and you could never go there. It reaches temperatures of 9,400 degrees Fahrenheit. That can’t be true. Why? Because we don’t want it to be! You just haven’t digged good enough! My father always said I was the unfavored one! And he was right! My brother’s a successful surgeon! My cousin John Wilkes Booth is a promising young actor, and I’m gonna be nothing! Nothing! No. You’re not gonna be nothing. You’re gonna be the guy with the guy who broke through the crust of the Earth! LUCY: They didn’t know it, but that goo would change their lives forever. So they found oil? Oh, no. It wasn’t oil. Well, flash back already. What was it? It was nougat. BOTH: New what? Nougat. It’s a sweet, chewy substance my people enjoy as a treat. Try it. Ooh, no! My friend and I may have gotten caught in dual bear traps, but we’re not stupid. Right, we Americans don’t go around eating stuff out of the ground. We prefer natural foods like cheeseburgers and cheeseburger casserole. And cheeseburgers without cheese. Fine. But this nougat does seem valuable. I can feel it in my colonialist bones. I’m one step ahead of you. I’m already writing the White House to let them know about our amazing new discovery. Slow down, teacher’s pet. The president sent us out here to make a Earth hole. He didn’t say nothing about claiming dibs on brown, slimy stuff to help us line our pockets. It’s rather gooey for the pockets, don’t you think? I’m talking about fat stacks, bread, lettuce, dat cheddar. Mm, I too could use a cheeseburger. No, I’m saying that this nougat could make us rich. And we could go in 50-50. Well, that is an impressively long contract. But I don’t know about this. I seen the way you been looking at Vanessajawea. -(baby laughs) -And she might change her tune about old Linkus once he turns into a rich and powerful old-timey baron. (baby shouts) Well, I do like the idea of raising someone else’s child. Yeah, you do. I’m in. -So they never ate it? -What’d they do with it? The question is, what didn’t they do with it? Come one, come all! Don’t be shy! That’s right. Step right up and try the weird goo that does everything. Got no hair? This’ll grow it! Too much hair? This’ll get rid of it. Just the right amount of hair? Stop making everything about your hair! This stuff solves all types of problems, including… Weak chin. -Chubby knuckles. -Restless leg syndrome. Pregnant, and it ain’t a baby. See our add in Golf Digest. Will it help my chronic headaches? Well, we’re about to find out. Sure, it will, sir. Come on up here. That’s right and just, uh, expose the problem area. Add one dollop or 1.4 metric dollops of the nougat. And then lightly massage into the scalp. Yes? I think my headache’s gone? That’s right! It’s gone! (laughs) Bully! Okay, not all at once, folks! My partner and I have all day to stand here and take your money. I got jumped by a couple of cattle rustlers up in Devil’s Pass! Filled me with bullet holes and left me for dead. Kind sirs, can nougat help me? Uh… Of course it can! Come on! Step right up, or lay right down. -Nougat? -Nougat. (groans) -Nougat? -Nougat. (shouts) -More nougat. -More nougat. (groans) Now get up and walk! I’m cured! (cheering) Wait. Nope. I’m dead. (clamoring) Vanessajawea! (recorded voice): Mama! (clamoring) You guys are phonies and you done stolded our money! Yeah! But your headache is gone. Nah, I think it came back. Yeah! Though it could be all the yelling. I say we beat them to death. Yeah! Everybody calm down! Around here, we have a very particular way of dealing with those who would try to deceive us. It’s dictated, of course, by this large, wordy rule book. -(groaning) -Not this again. Now, let’s see. Woman who wants to vote. Uh-uh. Child who doesn’t want to work. Mm-mm. Ha-ha! Section 32-A, under “folksy punishments.” “He who attempts to peddle defective wares “shall wear his own wares wherein…” Hold on. Where was that? “Wherein wherever you find them.” Wear what? Nougated and feathered! This is all your fault. My fault? You’re the one who wanted to get rich! Oh, please. Like you didn’t want to impress Vanessajawea! Don’t you say her name! Vanessajawea. (grunting) As soon as we get separated, I don’t ever want to see your face again. And if we can’t get separated, I’m gonna give you the stink eye forever. LUCY: From that day forward, Linkus and Rhark became mortal enemies. As the years passed, they each continued to harvest nougat from the spring but for different purposes. Rhark, the more business-minded of the two, made railroad ties for America’s ever-expanding railroad network, while Linkus, the sensitive one, was drawn to art. He spent his days making nougat likenesses of Vanessajawea. However, he was a terrible artist. Hey, Linkus, what a hideous gnome! It’s not a gnome. It’s my long-lost love. I still think it’ll scare the chipmunks. I’ll give you 50 cents for it. 50 cents for my statue? But the heartache stays with me. Over time, the men’s businesses grew and they both started families. Linkus was able to find a woman? I don’t find that hard to believe. Well, this whole story is pretty far-fetched, but that part is truly unbelievable. And it wasn’t long before their uneasy truce would be tested by the arrival of the biggest opportunity of their lives. Linkus? Rhark? You got mail. There you go. Rhark, the government has asked you to provide about six million of your nougat ties for the second Transcontinental Railroad. Oh! How’d you know? I read it. This is from your mother. Your tortoise died. And, Linkus, oh ho ho ho! The Union’s biggest trading post has made an order for your ugliest nougat gnomes. They also want six million. That’s a big order. I’m gonna need a couple of days. Oh, and this is from your father. He finally said he loves you. Oh, wait, no. This is for Rhark. But it is from your father. Okay, giddy-up, Betsy. I’ll see you at the nougat spring. Not if I see you there first! LUCY: For hours, they pumped nougat under the hot 19th century sun. Never speaking, never acknowledging the other’s presence, except to point out cool birds. Look at that one! Almost as cool as the last one. LUCY: And then… She’s dry. What? She’s got no more nougat. How come the spring’s a lady? Listen, I don’t make the rules about masculine and feminine pronouns; I just follow ’em. Well, since I’m the one who decided to dig here 30 years ago, I’m entitled to all your nougat! Hold on a second there! We had a 50-50 contract. Well, how’s this for a contract? That’s not a contract. This is a contra… Actually, this also a gun. Look at us just standing here pointing guns at each other. How far we’ve fallen. Yeah. This whole thing has gotten out of hand. I wish we could go back to before we discovered this nougat where you and me were just two buddies in two bear traps. Well, I would go back a little bit before the bear traps. But you’re right. You’re a good guy. You got a good head on your shoulders. You got a good heart. You got a great voice. And you know what? You got testicular fortitude. I’m talking about your balls! Your right ball and your left ball. -And you… -(gunshot) -Oh! Uh, whoops. Sorry. Uh… Would it make you feel better if you shot me? Let’s find out. (gunshot) Oh! Actually, I feel the same. Let me try again. (gunshot) Oh! Yeah, now I feel better. LUCY: And so concludes the story of Linkus and Rhark. It’s so sad! That can’t be the end! Well, there is more, but I gotta go. I have piano lessons. BOTH: No! Please, please, please keep going! All right, but I’ll have to make it fast, so I’m gonna do this next part Ken Burns style. Yes! LUCY: Over time, the nougat spring replenished. And as the century turned, Linkus Jr. and Rhark Jr. carried on their fathers’ legacies of nougat innovation. Linkus Jr.’s nougat-phone was a early competitor to the telephone And it might have won out if not for the fact that people couldn’t be more than one room apart while using it. And also it made them sound like their mouths were filled with dirty Band-Aids and bacon bits. Meanwhile, Rhark Jr. tried to get into the burgeoning automobile business by creating a nougat steering wheel. Problem was steering with it. It was virtually impossible, as the wheel broke off when you applied the slightest torque. Which, as it turns out, is useful when steering. Linkus Jr. and Rhark Jr. enjoyed limited success. That is, until the spring went dry and they killed each other in a dynamite fight. It wasn’t the first time blood was spilled at the spring. And it weren’t the last time neither. In the ’30s, FDR hired Linkus III to build the Nouver Dam which was to be the biggest dam in Nevada. It turns out, though, that after prolonged contact with water, nougat gets mushy. But it could have been worse. Only 1,500 people perished. After the explosion of the Hindenburg, Rhark III was able to sell nougat to Zeppelin engineers as a nonflammable alternative to hydrogen. Unfortunately, nougat does not float. But the Nougatburg still did explode, killing 1,501 persons. Once again, the two men from the cursed families met up at the nougat spring to kill each other– this time with Tommy guns. Then the ’60s. Free love, equal rights. And, thanks to Rhark IV, smokable nougat which had no psychotropic effects at all but did routinely cause asphyxiation. Linkus IV was part of a government program called Project Sticky Moon wherein NASA constructed a moonset entirely out of nougat to fake the moon landing. But the project was abandoned, however, when it proved easier to just go to the moon. But, alas, they met at the nougat spring. And, abiding by 1960 principles of nonviolence, killed each other using telekinesis. In the ’90s, Rhark V had digitally connected the entire world through the internougat while Linkus V did equally important work developing nougat breast implants. And the two met at the spring to repeat history once more. But fate had different plans. Well, I guess it’s time for us to kill each other. Just like every generation before us. Okay, but this time, no cute weapons. It’s mano a mano. You’re a womano? That’s right. With a moustache? It’s a side effect of my nougat implants. Do you mind? Not even a little. I’m gonna pump now. I could watch you pump all day. Oopsie. Somebody’s been a messy girl. I can help you with that. This is delicious! How come nobody in the generations before us has ever thought to taste nougat? I have an idea. And that idea, coupled with their love, led to two sweet creations. These delicious nougat-filled candy bars, and me. You’re made of nougat? I’m their daughter. That really doesn’t answer my question. Lucy, that was a great story. Here’s the thing. Whenever I don’t sell enough, the old family rift starts to set back in and my parents’ relationship gets very rocky. I’m afraid the only thing that keeps them from killing each other like the Linkuses and Rharks before them is good people like you buying these candy bars. They’re only a dollar each. Ooh, did you not see the sign? What sign? Yeah, it’s pretty much a policy. Our hands are tied. Bye, Lucy. Rhett, do you think any of that was true? Or was it all just to sell candy bars? Oh, she’s just a little girl with a big imagination. Nougat springs? People living inside the Earth? Come on. Yeah, you’re probably right. I knew the whole time. These are my dirty Band-Aids I’ve been saving for this demonstration. And these are my bacon bits that I always have on hand. So this is what it sounded like to use the nougat-phone. Good to hear your voice again. Come on over here and give me a kiss… (unintelligible mumbling) As you can see, this was not going to be a good long-term plan.