Is your food guilty of stomach slaughter? Let’s talk about that. ( bright, upbeat music ) Good Mythical Morning. I believe it was Thomas Jefferson that said, “Today’s episode of ‘GMM’ is gonna be totes lit AF.” Hmm, that’s right. We’re gonna be rewriting and severely shortening some popular songs. Link’s gonna be censoring people living their best life and we’re fixing fast food slogans with Jacksfilms. Check. But first, there’s bad food and then there’s food so bad it needs to be locked up. Rhett and I argue which is which as we head to… ( dramatic tone ) All rise for Honorable Judge Jacksfilms. There he is. Gentlemen, this is how Food Court will proceed. You will each be given a terrible food. Your job is to convince me that your food is better than your opponent’s food. Now if I choose your food, I will eat it. The loser will have to eat his food. As punishment. This is real, this is getting real. Now hold on, hold on. We’re throwing in a wrench here. You may each get one side bar, okay? Not per round, per the entire Food Court. You get one side bar. Meaning, you can request to add one topping to make your food taste better and to– It’s like a baked potato side bar. Rhett: Yeah, we got some ranch, onions, cheese– Link: Not a legal side bar. – Order, order. – Rhett: Whoa, whoa! Okay. When did I say you could talk in my Food Court? Sorry. You may only do this once per court session. Got it. Gentlemen, our first case is a two-day-old chalupa versus a two-day-old egg roll. ( dramatic music ) Counselor Rhett, you may begin. Ah, the two-day-old chalupa. ( chuckles ) Everybody knows that Taco Bell, every item at Taco Bell is just the same things rearranged to make the same flavor. So two days gives it all time to congeal so that you get Taco Bell in every bite. And did you know that chalupa translated to English literally means “Wait two days before enjoying for best enjoyment”? – Objection. – That is my argument. He doesn’t know Spanish. ( dramatic tone ) I know that. All right, all right. Bailiff, he used the word “congeal.” That doesn’t, that doesn’t sound very appetizing. – Bailiff: Don’t use “congeal.” – I mean, no, he can, I just, it’s just not great for his argument. Might as well would have said moist. Thank you, that’s one of the– it’s on that list. Cake can be moist. “Moist,” “congeal,” anywho… Counselor Link, I believe it is your turn. Present your case. Judge, you like Chinese food, right? Who doesn’t? And you know what makes Chinese food better? Eating it later as, what? Leftovers, that’s what. Mm. And you know, two days… ( sniffs ) I’m smelling this right now, and I can tell you, just by scent alone, and touch, yeah, you’ll have to eat it even though I’ve touched it… – Mm. – ( laughs ) …leftovers of leftovers are even better when they’re Chinese leftovers. And they’re certainly better than anything, even fresh, at the Taco Bell. Objection. He has pleated pants. ( dramatic tone ) Sustained, those pants have gotta go. All right, take your seat, take your seat, Counselor. I rest my case, Judge Jack. I– well, I rested it for you. But, Bailiff, what do you think? – No, uh– – ( laughter ) I would not do that. Well, gentlemen, you each make compelling cases. However, Counselor Link, you did touch the egg roll, so I believe I will give this one to Counselor Rhett – and his chalupa. – Whoo! Bring up your chalupa, please. ( laughing ) I’ma put my mouth where my argument was. You know what? I’m sure this is great. It’s just very soggy on the bottom. May I be frank? I’m just in a chalupa mood so your argument had diddly squat to do. Like, you were already gonna lose. – ( laughing ) – But, yeah. Oh, that is soggy. Nice and congealed, huh? Mm. Why that word? ( laughing ) ( typing ) Order, order in my Food Court. Thank you. Gentlemen, next up, we have pig’s feet versus frog’s legs Counselor Link, you’re up first. Oh, goodness. Yes. ( sniffs ) Mmm, that smells great. Boy does it look great. Consider one of the most famous beloved characters of all-time: Kermit the Frog. ( dramatic tone ) Where are you going with this? ( nervous laughing ) Well, here’s what I gotta tell you. If a character as universally beloved as Kermit the Frog’s legs were available for consumption… – Yeah. – and news flash, they are… ( dramatic tone ) sir, you would be a monster to not enjoy them. I’m not sure I follow your argument. Well, they– it just tastes like chicken. I mean it’s basically chicken, dude. Order, order. Webbed feet on the end of a chicken leg. That’s all this is, so, this is not as much of a limb as you think you might be going out on. And there’s plenty to choose from. Take it– take a seat with that pun. That was a terrible pun. – I didn’t even intend that. – Not in my Food Court. – Rhett: Sit down. – That wasn’t intentional. Sit down, sir! I’m sorry, I’m sorry that got so ugly. I only break out the gavel when I feel like it. And, Counselor Rhett, rebuttal? You know what they say. ( laughs ) No, I don’t. Feet got the… …feet got the best meat. Right? I guess I did hear that somewhere. Plus pig is bacon and the feet are the foundation of a pig, so this is like the foundation of bacon. It’s like bacon foundation, like a group that you wanna join. Something that you wanna be a part of. And if that’s not enough to do it for you, think of all the wonderful flavors that have been stepped on and absorbed by these, creating an immaculate bite in every bite. ( laughing ) They look purple. Order, order. You must say “objection” first. Objection. Sustained. Have you seen those? I’m looking at them. – Link: Yeah. – Jack: Yeah. They smell great. They’ll taste great. All right, all right, sit down. Sit down, I’ve had enough. Bailiff, what does your gut tell you? ( laughter ) All right, I’ve made my decision. Although both of you fine, young gentlemen you presented reasonably good arguments, you lost me the moment you said, you started bringing up all the things – that those feet have stepped on. – Ugh. And I just can’t stomach it, so, Counselor Link, this is yours. This is your victory. And those are my legs. They’re great. ( as Kermit ) Hi-ho, these legs are for you. There’s just not, there’s not a lot to enjoy. It’s like bone. That taste like chicken? It does not. This round, herring in a hair ring versus Hot Pockets. Counselor Rhett, you may begin. Herring is a delicacy to the people of the Netherlands. Do you really wanna make those people feel like animals by refusing their food? And hair is a delicacy of cats. Do you really wanna make cats feel like animals? For refusing their food? Think about it. Plus, herring in a hair ring? That’s hilarious. It’s a good pun, I will give it that. And you are what you eat. You wanna be even more hilarious than you already are, Judge? Objection, sucking up is not a good look for our brand. Overruled. I like sucking up. That’s right. Well you can suck this up… ( laughter ) …all you want because I wanna request a side bar to sweeten the deal. You may proceed to the side bar. You like ranch? It’s okay. ( chuckles ) You like sour cream more? You want me to use the ranch spoon in the sour cream? ‘Cause I only– – ( laughter ) – because I only got one. You only got– I don’t think there’s an option B. – Yes, that’s more like it. – Link: Oh, that’s definitely making it better. – Rest my case. – Jack: Yep, yep. Councilman Link, I would say it is your turn, but I do not see any dish before you. May I approach the bench? You may. Judge Jack, I am but a simple man. Simple means with not many places to carry my simple food items. I’m intrigued. But I got two places. Let me just gather up– Jack: Take your time. Those pleats are coming in handy. There we go. Two pockets full of hotness. ( dramatic tone ) Yeah, I’ve got some ham, and some cheese and, oh, there’s a dime. – ( coin clatters ) – ( laughter ) I got some lint, and, look, there’s a nickel. So I hope you don’t consider this a bribe but you do get to keep the money when you eat my Hot Pockets. And I’d like to side bar. Dear God, please. Use them all, use as many as you wish. Little bit of ranch. ( groans ) Yeah. You don’t have to make eye contact. ( laughs ) Little bit of sour cream in this one, just a little bit. I like that, that’s smart. Get it in there. Even it out. That’s so unpleasant. – We got some bacon bits, – Yes, you do. I rest my case. Yes, you do. Nothing but cheese and ham, and toppings in my pockets, with a little bit of lint and some pocket change. Truly some bang for your buck, if nothing else. I will say that. My legs are so warm. My thighs are so hot. I don’t think you’re helping yourself, you know what, just keep– continue. – ( laughter ) – Just keep talking. All right, for this third and final case, you both gave very good arguments for very awful dishes. However, I’m going to have to go with– to Rhett. – Ah! – Yes! Because otherwise I’d have to dig in your pockets to eat yours and there’s no argument that could save that. That would be the worst part? Digging through the pockets? The– right, there are many bad parts to yours. Link: ( laughs ) Oh, my gosh. I believe you must dig into your own pockets and grab a real bite of that ham, cheese, lint, nickel. Rhett: Oh, gosh. Jack: Good Lord. Well, cheers. Ah, this is good. Oh, something’s falling out, okay. All right, we’ll just slather it in there. ( crew groaning ) ( laughter ) That doesn’t look pleasant, either. ( laughs ) Rhett: Hey, not bad, huh? The sour cream really comes through. ( laughter ) ( coughs ) The judge has retreated. I don’t think he’s ever gonna come back up. Took his bench once more. – Link: There he is. – Can I get seconds? Got any more? – Have all you want, Judge. – Oh, my God. You know, we both got a little extra fiber in our diet today, Jack. One way or another. Thanks for being such a good sport, Judge. – You did it. Cheers. – Jack: Yes. Click through to see us perform better versions of your favorite songs And shorter. Rhett: Our Mythical Grooming Collection is available online at Mythical.store. Get the whole kit to smell your mythical best.