( music playing ) Hey, got something I wanna talk about. I’m a sports fan. I like to watch sports. I used to play sports, but mostly I just stick to watching sports now because it’s safer. And there are times that I choose to talk about sports. I notice that there are two distinct responses when I choose to talk to somebody about sports. Response A, the person I’m talking to chooses to also talk about sports, and before you know it, we’re having a conversation about sports. Response B, the person says something like, “Yeah, I’m not really into sports.” There’s also a version of this that happens when I choose to talk about sports on the Internet. Here’s how it goes. I tweet about sports. Inevitably somebody responds with a snarky reply, “Sports!” And sometimes I go further and respond with an even more mocking phrase, “Go sports!” ( mock laughter ) That’s real funny. I don’t have a problem with non-sports fans. If somebody says they’re not a sports fan, I just move on to talk about religion or politics. But there’s something that I just can’t help but notice in the responses of non-sports fans to sports talk. They think they’re better than us. They think they’re more evolved than us. They think they’ve elevated themselves above the cheap thrills of watching sweaty dudes fight over a ball. You can see it in their eyes. They’re saying, “That game you care so much about? It doesn’t matter.” It does matter! But let’s get a few things straight. I’m well aware that my uncontrolled outbursts directed towards the television have no impact on the teams playing on said television. I know they can’t hear me. I mean, I don’t think they can hear me. I think the ref might be able to hear me. I know it seems completely irrational to let the outcome of an event that I have no control over completely make or break my day. And I know it doesn’t make me a better person than the fan of another team where my team beats their team. I mean, it makes me a little better. Especially if they’re a fan of UNC. Those people are evil. I know that my love of sports is just fulfilling some primal desire to see my tribe beat the other tribe. And this is probably due to the fact that at some point in the distant past my ancestors rooted for their tribe to murder another tribe. And this served to propagate their genes into the next generation as some sort of group-selection evolutionary thing. And I know it doesn’t really make sense anymore because none of the players on the teams that I like are carrying my genes. At least I don’t think they are. Somebody call “Mar-rey”! Murray! Or is it Maury? Probably responds to both. What I’m saying is, I know that being a sports fan doesn’t exactly make sense. It may be primal, maybe even a little barbaric. It may cause me to distrust an entire group of people just because they choose to root for a particular team. ( coughing ) Patriots. It may cause me to feel anguish that is totally unnecessary when my team loses. But you know what? I don’t care because it gives me something to text my dad about. So to you non-sports fans who love to look down from your ivory towers at us simpletons who love to watch people who are significantly more athletic than us exert themself while we lie horizontally on a couch filling our already past-our-prime bodies with assorted combinations of saturated fats and sugars? To you I say, “Go sports.” Link: Up next we’ll be shouting out our Oscar favorite “Get Out.” Oh, yeah, this sweatshirt is fly as feathers. Get yours now at mythical.store.