( music playing ) ( piano rumbling ) What’s that? I think it’s a falling piano. Well, we should wait till it gets closer to make sure. – ( bees buzzing ) – Why does this piñata sound weird? Shh! They’ll never find me in this oven. – ( cell phone ringing ) – ( grunts ) I really should get that. What’s the best way to get outta the top of this tree? – ( bird squawking ) – Ah! Actually, only one in 35 knives are sharp enough to puncture human flesh. I think Arby’s is having a scavenger hunt or something ’cause I just found this bag of loose pills in the bathroom. If this stuff can clean your shower pipe, I betcha it can clean your windpipe. Of course I can fly. I’ve got a broom! Of course I can stop that moving train. I’m dressed like Superman. The batteries are dead on our TV remote, so I’m just gonna take ’em out of our smoke detector. Never played for a group of Hells Angels before. Here’s “Wonderwall.” I’m not paying for that. I’ll remove my own appendix. It’s a privilege to be the first human to welcome your alien species to Earth. Here’s “Wonderwall.” I’m not paying for that. I’ll perform my own circumcision. Hey, Noel and Liam Gallagher, here’s “Wonderwall.” I’m not paying for that. I’ll perform my own C-section. Who’s the genius who put chocolate in the electric socket? I can’t just leave it in there. Yeah, I’m pretty sure you can go straight on red in this state. This Insane Clown Posse concert is pretty boring. Play some Taylor Swift! – ( bear growling ) – Ah! A bear. I think what I’m supposed to do is turn my back to the bear and run real slow. This EpiPen is horrible for writing. I’m throwing it out. Don’t worry, you can survive a plane crash if just before it hits the ground, you jump up. Ready? Sure, we make work for a drug cartel, but that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve health benefits. I’m storming into El Jefe’s office and demanding what’s right! Horses love it when you stand directly behind them and pull on their tail. I’m getting a free massage from a guy on Craigslist. “Choking hazard for children under three.” Well, I’m not under three. Golly, this gas leak smells awful. I’ll light a match. You know what’s better than eating one of these? Eating a hundred of them. This’ll get all the clicks. – God. – ( laughter ) – Who? – Man: I saw that one stick to your tongue for a while. I can’t believe people would consume it. How stupid can you be? Stick around for a brand-new hater comment therapy with Pete Holmes. Rhett: Shield your eyes from rays of doom with tortoiseshell sunglasses available at mythical.store.