Today we go medieval on your teeth! – Let’s talk about that. (alarm rings) (playful theme music) (fire blasts) Good Mythical Morning! – First up, a reminder this week only we’re giving away a trip to visit us right here at the Mythical studio if you are the lucky winner to receive the Golden Tee of Mythicality. This is it, the only one. – Yes, go to Mythical.store and look at the description for the silver GMM logo tee that Link is wearing for rules on how to enter. – Mythical beasts, today, we invite you to join us as we become medieval beasts and I’m not talking about dragons or ogres or prairie dogs, I’m talking about beasts that actually exist. People, specifically grungy, grimy, soiled and spattered medieval people. – Yes but it turns out that they exercise a lot of ingenuity to tidy up. Yes, we’ve tracked down some very real medieval hygiene rituals and assembled all the necessary ingredients to bring them back to life to see how well they work. It’s time for The Middle Ages were hella dirty, so here’s how they got mega purty. If you lived in Europe between the fifth and 15th century, your toilet was probably just a hole in the ground and if you got sick, there’s a good chance you used leeches to suck out your tainted blood. Okay this isn’t advanced stuff here. Resources were scarce and effective medical know-how was even scarcer, so I feel great about what’s next. – We pray thee to fare us well, for this YouTube video may verily cast a pox upon us both. – [Rhett And Link] Round one. – Due to the fact that nine out of 10 dentists did not yet exist, oral hygiene in the middle ages was pretty questionable, ie, you got a stank mouth. A condition known as black teeth did have one remedy though prescribed by a popular medieval hygiene book called the Trotula. – Oh the Trotula. – The Trotula. – Which we have studied extensively. To test the treatment first, we need to blacken our teeth. – ‘Cause we’ve got pretty good oral hygiene so we’re gonna have to do this artificially. – Got some charcoal here. All right, that’s pretty good. Okay. – What do we do now? – The Trotula says one should take walnut shells well cleaned of the interior rind which is green and rub the walnut shells on your teeth. – Now there was a little debate about exactly what they were talking about. We have figured out that this is the rind and so it’s taking a shell, getting the green part of the rind off of it and then using the shell to rub against your teeth, so I’m taking this part here that’s got no green. It’s got some grooves. – There’s some abrasiveness to it. – I don’t know if it’s gonna feel great on my teeth, but. (moans) – There’s no way to get at everything. (grunts) – My mouth isn’t big enough. – This is painful. – I would have died in the medieval. He’s a small-mouth man! He can’t fit a walnut shell in there! (chuckles) He’s going to die of the black mouth! It’s too small! Let him try, laugh at him. – Ugh. – Okay, well, the Trotula also says that you should then wash the mouth with warm wine mixed with salt. – Now we’re talking, so we got some chalice-i. Some chalices? With warmed white wine and then you’re supposed to add a little bit of salt, so, taking some salt, putting it in my wine, which, I do frequently anyway. – [Rhett] Yeah, who doesn’t like a salty wine? – And then mix that around. – Swisheroo. – Mm. – Okay. – How’s my teeth? – You know what, they’re looking pretty good. There’s still a little black, I got some black? – Up there, yeah, swish harder in the north area. In the north! Swish harder. – Okay, and then finally, we finish by chewing on fennel, lovage or parsley for fresh breath. – So is this fennel, lovage or parsley? I think it’s parsley. There you go. We got plenty, man. – I’m going to stick it in my small mouth! – Woo, that is aromatic! – You shouldn’t swallow, right? (Link coughing) It’s just a garnish. – How’s my teeth now? Pretty good? – How are mine? – Yeah you got some parsley in there, but the real test is the breath test so let’s eat each other’s breath. – Oh, mm, I don’t wanna eat your breath. I’ll smell it. – No, let’s eat it. Blow your breath at me. – Oh gosh, that’s, just smell it, man. – I’m tasting it. – But the only way to taste my breath really is 80% of the nose. 80% of smell is taste. – All right fine. – Taste is smell. – Eat mine. – There’s something beyond the parsley. – Why are you leaning back so far? – There’s something beyond the parsley that I think is from early this morning (chuckling). It was before the walnuts, the wine or the parsley. – So you like it? – No, but the parsley helps a little bit. Helps me be able to take it. – You know– – Success. – Yeah, it worked. – [Rhett And Link] Round two. – In medieval times, yes the restaurant and the time period, it was considered beautiful for women to have high foreheads. Mm, much like mine! And much like these lovely ladies. – [Rhett] Wow. – [Link] Yes. – [Rhett] Hold me back. – Wow and I like how they’re not making eye contact with me ’cause if they were, I just couldn’t take it. – That’s right, it’d be too much. Too much! – Too irresistible. They would achieve this by applying a homemade paste to their hairline to remove whole swaths of hair. – Yes and that hair removal paste was made using vinegar and you guessed it, dried cat dung. – So we’ve got vinegar. – Of course! – And of course we have (groans). – [Rhett] Who’s cat? – [Together] Josh’s cat? – Oh gosh, I haven’t even met Josh’s cat and now I’m gonna rub its doo-doo all over my arms. Okay, according to historical records, the cat’s dung was quote, hard and dried, beaten to a powder, tempered with strong vinegar and anointed on the place. (chuckles) I don’t know what place. – The top of the forehead. – Oh that place. – The hairline. – So we’re gonna get scientific and then apply this to ourselves. – Oh gosh. – Yeah you do the crushing. I’m not even gonna put the gloves on. You know what, I will put the gloves on. Yeah so just crush it up with a mortar and then we’ll add the vinegar, make a nice paste. (mortar thumping) – Oh gosh. – You think the people who work at Medieval Times do this? They’re back there in the back getting ready to bring out your Cornish hens, rubbing cat crap all over their hands. – Yeah and putting it on the forehead. Have you ever looked at their foreheads? Have you ever been to a Medieval Times? – Heck yeah, I’ve even been to like the knock-off Medieval Times. – This is mushy, it’s not– – You’re telling me you haven’t been? – I’ve never been, no. – Oh you got some blackness on your lip still, but you know what, it’s just a sign that you’re a clean-mouthed man. (chuckles) Nobody’s complaining about that. – Oh gosh. Add some vinegar to this. – Yeah Josh, you didn’t dry this enough, man. Your cat’s got some issues. Okay, okay. – So I’m just gonna– – Don’t get too crazy. I don’t want that popping into one of our eyes. – Or I don’t wanna breathe it in either. – There’s all kinds of diseases that cat crap. There’s a disease that comes in cat crap that makes you like cats I think. – Yes, it makes you become a cat lady. Like a crazy cat lady. – I need to stay away from that. Do not let me breathe that in. I gotta keep my cat hate going. – All right. – Gosh, now we have to put it on our arms? – [Link] We’ve made it. – [Rhett] I’m not putting it on my forehead. – Here’s the thing. – I’m not doing that. – We’re wearing gloves so that we don’t have to touch it yet we’re about to put it on our arms which would still be touching. – Just don’t even think about it. Just think about it like you’re applying for a job at Medieval Times. – Gosh. – Yeah I’m happy to be here. – You dropped some right there. – I’ve always been a horse lover. (crew groaning) – I’m squeezing the juice out and then I’m– – Oh gosh! – This is not, there’s a reason why I don’t live in the medieval period. – Yeah! – This is stupid. I’m quitting. – Hey man. – I’m not with this. – Hey, this is about testing, listen, people used to do this. Those ladies, those hot ladies put this on their foreheads. – I’m out, man. I am out. – Don’t you wanna be a hot lady? – Oh gosh, there’s juice going under the glove. (crew laughs) All right now– – It’s hot lady juice. – Let’s dry it, man. (clock ticking) – [Rhett] Okay it’s somewhat drier. – Oh gosh. – Oh look at that! I’ve got cat dung on my forearm! In the anointed place. – I’m so surprised that you’re going through with it. – I’ve got cat dung on the anointed place. – And now you gotta remove it and see if hair came off. – The ladies will really be into it when I get rid of this hair right here on my forearm. – Here, put it in here, man. – Those ladies with the bare foreheads will love me. – I’m just waiting for you to remove it ’cause I’m not gonna do it for ya. – The next step is, woof– – That’s a long towel. – I don’t need a towel this big, but I’ll take it. (Link groans) – Do it, man! (Rhett snorts) All of that for nothing! All of the hair is still there, man. – I tried, ladies. I tried to get my forearms to be bare for you, but I didn’t let it dry long enough. Oh gosh! Now I have a cat dookey rag. (crew moaning) – [Rhett And Link] Round three. – Let’s say you’re at a banging medieval party and some hedgeborn, cockscomb, crooked-nose knave spills his goblet full of mead all over your finest tunic. What do you do now? There were no laundromats and there were no stain sticks either. – Oh no. They had something much better. To get out stains from dirty laundry, they would use a mixture of ashes which makes total sense and urine which also makes total sense. – I know what you’re thinking. Yes, we found some ashes. – Here they are. – And since– – Where would we get urine? – Well none of the crew was willing to pee in a jar for us, so we did it ourselves. – This is mine. Oh that’s yours, let’s– (glass clinks) Mine’s more like a grapefruit juice and yours is like a shooken up grapefruit juice. – I’ve been drinking sand again. (Link chuckles) – Oh gosh, desperate times I guess. – Do I need to be worried? – Drink more water, man. I always say stay hydrated. Now I’m gonna take some of this, I’m gonna make use of this pestle here. I’m gonna grind up these ashes to where they’re– – Yeah get ’em kinda fine there. (mortar thumping) – You know pharmacists do this. – I doubt that any pharmacist actually does that. – I bet you it’s one of those things where like at pharmacy school you have to take a whole class on pestle grinding and then you never use it and you’re like, “Why are we even learning how to do this? “They don’t do this, they just give you pills. “You just count pills. “I just need to take the pill counting class “and I can get out there and I can do some drug “prescriptions.” – Do some drug! – Prescription. – Okay, what ratio do you wanna go? I have a feeling that mine is gonna clean better. – I have a feeling if this worked, people would still be doing it. – I should be gloved up as well. – So we’ve got a little baby shirt here. Some baby’s been into the marinara. – My baby got into Briar Patch. He’s still there but I got his shirt. – That’s not blood, it’s sauce. – Yeah it’s marinara. – Smells like cat poop. Oh I’m sorry, that’s just the cat poop. – All right what ratio do you want for urine? – You holding your breath? – One to one? – Just do it because we’re gonna hold our breaths for the rest of this– – It’s sterile, man. Urine’s sterile. Oh gosh, it’s so gross! – Okay. – I haven’t smelled it yet. Don’t mix those tops up. We wouldn’t want that. – Save some of that for later. Okay so I guess we’re just going to– – Now listen– – Oh gosh! Oh. – Yes, this is gross. But this is what they did, okay? This isn’t just gratuitous cat crap and urine day. Oh gosh it stinks. This is actually how people washed things. They stuck their little baby’s clothes (chuckling) into their own urine– – And ashes. Why add actual dirt? – And they didn’t live past 38. – Okay I think I’ve given it a good undulation. What’s it called when you set your washing machine to– – Undulate. – Undu– (chuckles) – Put it on the undulate setting, baby. And meet me in the laundry room. (chuckling) – Okay, here we go. Let’s see how clean it is. – Wow! (crew chuckling) Come here, Charlie! – Just put it on. – We’ve got your onesie! – Take it right out of the urine, put it right on little Charlie. – I think they probably didn’t, it goes in water after that. – I mean if you rinsed that. Here, rinse it with some more urine. Rinse it with your coffee cup. – I got some LaCroix. – Yeah, let’s. They had LaCroix in the– – [Rhett] Oh, what? – [Link] Well, even that one spot right there. – It still has some– – It still has– – It’s still got some stains. – Some marinara stain. – Urine flavored LaCroix, now there’s an idea. They’d probably go for it. Okay so what did we learn? – Natural flavoring. – I think what I learned is I’m glad I was born in 1977. – Oh man. Me too. (Rhett laughs) – Actually I was born a year later. – Yeah, you were, 1978. – I’m overwhelmed with a sense of acute depression. – It happens quite a bit. Thanks for liking, commenting and subscribing. – You know what time it is. – Ar, I be Greg and this here be me first mate– – Heather! – And we be at the Bristol Renaissance Faire. – [Both] And it’s time to spin the Wheel of Mythicality. – There’s cat turds all under that hat. All under that bandana, I know it! Click the top link to watch us make medieval lipstick out of sheep’s fat in Good Mythical More. – Mm! And to find out where the Wheel of Mythicality’s gonna land. Get the limited edition GMM Silver Logo Tee now at Mythical.store and check out the info on the product page to learn how you could win a once in a lifetime trip to the Mythical studio.