(smoothly) So there’s this girl that you’re interested in and Valentine’s Day is coming up. He’s gonna tell you what to do about that. I’m Nora and I’m from the Pacific Northwest. Let’s talk about that. ♪ (theme music) ♪ – Good Mythical Morning! – Today’s episode is brought to you by Smule, creator of all kinds of musical applications for your iPhone and iPad like – Songify. – This is the official Gregory Brothers app where you talk into it and it transforms it into an amazing song. Let’s demonstrate. – Good Mythical Morning. – Moving at the speed of conversation. – Watch it every day. – Peace out. – Peace out. – Yeah, that’s like a rap term. – ♪ (piano music and autotuned voices) ♪ – ♪ Good Mythical Morning. ♪ ♪ Moving at the speed of conversation. ♪ ♪ Watch it every day. ♪ ♪ Moving at the speed of conversation. ♪ ♪ Watch it every day. ♪ ♪ Good Mythical Morning. ♪ ♪ Peace out. ♪ He said “Peace out.” We could even make that the end. – Wow, that was good. – Yeah, it does it. It does all the work for you. Thanks for joining us today. It’s time for another episode of Link’s Golden Advice for Single Guys. I’m Link, you’re like the announcer for the segment. (smoothly) Yes. You know, there are lots of guys out there. Many of them are single and they have interests. One of those interests is becoming un-single. There’s a man with a sweater and a tie. The sweater has his initials on it, if you didn’t know Charles Lincoln Neal. And he’s gonna give you some advice. Specifically MattFarquhar. (normally) Link– I don’t know if Matt – talks like this, but I talk like this. – Go with it. Link, as Valentine’s Day is coming up, I need advice on what to do as I like this girl. I like the way he frames his question. “As I like this girl.” As I… What do you do as you like her? So it’s when you’re in the process of liking her, Matt, you wanna know what you do. Yeah, Valentine’s Day. Oh, the alarms are sounding. I think we’re less than two weeks away and I’m actually gonna give advice that leverages the fact that it’s not the day before Valentine’s day. So hopefully you’re watching this with plenty of lead time. – Prep time, okay. I like it. – Prep time. Valentine’s Day represents a lot of pressure for people who are already un-single-ized, you know? There’s always that pressure of, what do I do for my girlfriend? Even as a married man, now, who is completely and utterly and ultimately un-single-ized, there’s still – that pressure of what do I do? – And it’s a fake holiday created by the card companies, but you still are victim to it because, if you say, (gruffly) I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was created by Hallmark! (normally) Your wife’s gonna be like, really? Really? This is an opportunity to love me. This is an opportunity to show me how much you care, and you’re gonna take some stand? Forget it, fellas! It’s Valentine’s Day. Step up to the plate. Sorry, I’ll let Link– I’m just passionate about this. Sorry, sorry. – Take some deep, cleansing breaths, Rhett. – (inhales and exhales audibly) Got it. But if you are single, see this time as an opportunity, okay? Valentine’s Day is coming up. I’m gonna give some advice that, leading up to Valentine’s Day, will drastically increase the chances of, on that day, you becoming un-single-ized. – Are you guaranteeing it? – You will be getting– I’m all but – guaranteeing that this system will work. – What kind of chances? Is it like a 90% – chance of satisfaction? – 99.2. Wow. So do whatever it is he’s about to say. Ladies love attention. They love to be given attention. They love intrigue. – Yup. – They love mystery. – Wow. Yeah, they do. – My advice rolls all these things into one. And it also makes the card companies happy because, as you said, this is a– – They invented the holiday. – They invented the holiday. Okay. Step 1: Go to your local department store, Walmart, Target, what have you, drugstore, it doesn’t matter. They all are inundating you with these Valentine’s cards. I want you to go to the section for elementary kids, okay? The ones where you – can buy 32 cards… – Comic book characters. Yeah, like little cards that don’t open, they’re just like a little flash card type of thing, and you’re supposed to give one to every person in your class. – Yeah, like you put “To” and “From” on it. – Now, I’m assuming that you’re not in elementary school. I’m assuming that you’re probably not even in middle school because you should remain single through middle school absolutely. Probably through high school. But this is for high school on into college and in the rest of your life, you single guys, okay? I want you to go and buy these and I want you to take them and devote all of them– one a day– to the girl that you admire and that you – want to become your girlfriend. – Mm. This is like a longterm plan. – You are gonna become her secret admirer. – Ooh. That sounds like a stalker. – Can we call that something else? – Well, I didn’t call it “stalker.” “Secret Admirer” doesn’t sound like stalker. “Secret Stalker” sounds like – stalker. – It’s 2012, man. “Secret Admirer” sounds – like stalker. – Okay, so we need to wade in these waters gently and cautiously. So I’ll take you through it. Step one, you’ve completed. You’ve bought the cards. And on the first card, you’re gonna write… and I’m taking – into account your stalker thing now… – (laughs) Okay, good. You’re gonna write, “You have a secret admirer.” – “Who is not a stalker.” – “Me.” – In parentheses. Put that after. – You can put “…and I’m not a stalker. – I’m just me.” Okay? – You probably shouldn’t even bring up the imagery of stalker at all. You were probably right to begin with. I’m sorry. Okay. Apology accepted. You give her that card. But don’t hand it to her because – then she’ll know who you are! – (laughs) Yeah, that’s key. That’s stupid. You gotta plant it somewhere, like slide it through the vent – in the locker, okay? – Mmhm. Don’t try to slide it in her back pocket or her purse. – That would be like a stalker. – The old reverse pickpocket. Yeah. Don’t do that. Slide it there. And then the next day, you’re giving her the – second card. – In a different way or the same way? I’ll get to that. But the most important thing is you gotta make sure you write something on it. You’re gonna write– and I’ve been through this before, people– You’re gonna write a compliment which at least– over the course of this whole Secret Admirer bit that I’m giving you– no more than half of the compliments you write on the card should be about her physical appearance. So, on the first one you might write, “I like your smile. Signed, Secret Admirer, Me.” And possibly, – “Not a stalker.” – You can talk about her boots. – As long as you spell it correctly. – Boots. Boots with a T. – I like your boots. – But for every compliment you give like that, you still, people, you need to give a compliment that’s not related to physical appearance, like, “I like the patch on your book bag.” Yes, I’m going back to that. It’s good advice. Don’t forget it. Or even things like, “You’re intelligent.” Or, you know, depending on how well you – know the girl… – Right. Some specific things that you know about her. – Or, “I saw your article in the paper.” – Ooh, that’s good. – Even if she doesn’t have one. – Yeah. It’s just like, you believe she has the ability to write an article in a paper. “You should have an article in the paper.” Yeah. And if you do, I read it and I loved it. You know? You can say all of those things. So each day you’re giving her a little compliment, you know? But you’re not giving it to her yourself, you’re giving it to her by letting her – find it somewhere, or–! – Windshield. Windshield wiper. Yeah, you could do that one day. Put it under there. She’s gonna think that it’s – an advertisement for a car wash. – Or a parking ticket. But that’s okay. Another good thing you can do is that you can give it to an – intermediary. – (whistles) Somebody who can then give it to her. Now, the key point to this is, ideally you choose somebody who doesn’t know you so then if she asks, “Who gave this to you to give to me?” They may be able to describe your physical appearance– which you should disguise yourself– but they won’t be able to say, (softly) “Oh, I know who it is but I can’t tell you.” (normally) Because they’ll end up telling. And also pick a girl, because if you pick a guy to give the card, he’ll – probably take credit for it. – Hmm. Little side piece of advice: If a guy comes up to you and says, “Hey, I’m Tammy’s secret admirer. Can you give her this card?” What this dude’s gonna do is he’s gonna give Tammy the card and he’s gonna say that it’s from him. – So only give it to… – Or he’s gonna tell the whole school and – your plan will be foiled. – Yeah, because he’s your competition. Give it to another girl who is not in her circle of friends, or maybe somebody on campus who doesn’t know you or her. The intrigue factor goes up through the roof. As you get closer to Valentine’s Day, you wanna start saying things like, “I’d love – to have a date,” you know? – Really? Yeah. I think you got to seal the deal. The whole point is to meet her – in person, Rhett. – But I feel like that’s too much pressure. The date terminology. “I would like to meet you… somewhere.” is a little – bit softer. – No, you’re kind of planting a seed. It’s just like, “I look forward to going out on a date.” I don’t think you should be ashamed of the word “date.” But then, when it gets to the end you say, “Let’s meet at 4 pm on this day.” Probably Valentine’s Day. You know, depending on your schedule. It falls on a Tuesday this year. Pick a place that’s not a really nice restaurant. Pick a coffee shop or an ice cream parlor. And you can also say, “If you’d feel more comfortable bringing a friend, you can also bring a friend.” You know? That’ll put her at ease a little bit. ‘Cause girls, they like to do everything with a friend, you know? And then if she’s not really into you, then there’s a friend there who might be more into you. But you’ve got two shots at – becoming un-single-ized. – Hm. But don’t put that in a card. “Bring a friend just in case I don’t like you.” That’s what the last card should say? It says, “Bring a friend if that makes you more comfortable.” – Oh. – But what you’re thinking is, you know, – “She might like me.” – Subtext. – Right, right. – I think this could work. I don’t know if it has a 99.2% chance of being successful. Women love to be pursued over time, and that intrigue is gonna, you know… they’re going to show up. And if she’s so scared that she doesn’t show up at the ice cream parlor, then, you know what? You’re just eating ice cream. I’m cool, I’m just a guy eating ice cream. It’s Valentine’s Day, so what? Can’t a guy eat ice cream on Valentine’s Day? Hey, that’s all I’m doing! I just wonder, could this be a potential alternative to your plan in case the dating thing is a little too much for people? They could say… how about on the last day, on Valentine’s Day, when placing the card… – Yeah? – You intentionally set up to get caught in the act, but be ready to say something. Be ready to be like, “Oh… – “Hey Amanda! You caught me. Well…” – But she’s gonna think that you’re… “Here’s your Valentine’s card.” And then you just begin a normal conversation. She might think that you’re hapless at that point. It’s like the guy can’t even – hide a card. – Girls think that’s cute. – They like that kinda thing. – So you…. I will condone his advice as long as you kinda make it obvious that you wanted to be found. You say, “I meant to do that, by the way.” Yeah. “I meant to do that” always goes a long way. All right. Somebody try this and then report back and tell Link how it went. – Matt, actually, you should try it. – Mmhm. Good luck, Matt, and every other un- single-ized guy. No. To be un-single-ized. – The terminology’s even confusing to me. – Yeah. I’m excited about this. Hopefully we’re not turning several of you guys into stalkers out there. Now go and be golden, people. You can do it, guys. You can do it! Just buy the cards. Just fill ’em out. Before you know it, it’s happening. Automatic pilot at – that point. – (Rhett) Rhett thanks Teresa for watching – in a radio voice. – First of all, okay. Rhett thanks Teresa for watching in a radio voice. We don’t know who Teresa is. It’s like an – imaginary… – This is for all the Teresas. If you’re Teresa, just let this be personal, Teresa. It’s funny that it’s on a day that I’ve already been using the golden voice. – Kinda funny. – (smoothly) Teresa, you didn’t have to join us today, but you chose to. You coulda done one of a number of things. You could have caught a man that was attempting to stalk you with Valentines cards by putting them into your locker or on your windshield. But instead of doing that, you made a conscious decision to join us today on Good Mythical Morning. And for that, Teresa, we are grateful. That made me feel weird. [Captioned by Caitrin: GMM Captioning Team]