Welcome to Good Mythical More. I’m going to give this big boy a Cheetos spanking. Yeah. And then we’re going to figure out… ‘Cause I’ve been a bad boy. What’s the weirdest giveaways that they dangle in front of people to get them into baseball games? But first, let’s give Damon Crawford $50 to mythical.com. Let’s do it. Because Damon spent some money, and then bought that hat, and that shirt, wore it out there in the wild. Wore it out there. With hashtag merchicality. Yep. We found you, Damon. We’re going to give you $50 so you can get some more merch. You rep merch, you get merch, Damon. Yeah. Do you want to tease the spank, or do you want to do it now? I mean, like, what’s your plan here? I’m going to spank you. I’m going to spank you in a little bit. That was it. That was my tease. Okay. Yeah. I’m going to spank you in a little bit. Ah. So, these giveaways, this is like, you said but they tease you to teach you. They lure you in with these. No. This is like you paid to go and you don’t know what kind of night it’s going to be. It’s like… Well, you usually do. Honoring so and so. You usually get, like there’s collectors. Well, when you’re me and you don’t collect things, you show up and they like give you like a… Bobblehead. Bobblehead of Roger Mattingly or Don Mattingly or something. I just made- Roger Clemons. And I’m like, “Okay.” Don Mattingly. That’s how I interact with it. Yeah. I went to a Dodgers game recently and it was a special bobblehead night, and Cassie knew what bobblehead night it was. Of course Cassie did. And she wanted one. And it was my responsibility to get us there on time to get the bobblehead. And we showed up to the ticket lady and she was like “We’re out of bobbleheads.” And I was like, “Oh my God.” You blew it. Was it your fault? No. I will tell you whose fault it is. Both Uber and Lyft have started doing this thing where it tells you, “You will get there by this time,” which used to be true. But now they lock you in, and then they’re just like, “Oh, no looking for your driver for 10 freaking minutes.” Right. Yeah, they have started doing that. Like, it is rude. Yeah. It should not be allowed. They can’t tell you when you’re going to get there if you don’t even have a driver. What the crap. I’m saying. I’ve waited the amount of time it took me to get somewhere to get a driver. Yeah. Yeah. Bull crap. Yeah. And no one wants to go to Dodger Stadium, so like, I get it, but… So, what you’re saying is, it’s your fault. No, but I am saying that I was a little broken hearted seeing that sweet little face so sad about her bobblehead, you know? Yeah, that’s very sad. She didn’t talk it out of somebody else’s hands? No, because they like collect them and then they sell them later. There was a guy when we were leaving the game who had two of the previous bobbleheads and was looking to trade one for someone who had that night’s bobblehead. Oh. Yeah. Chump. Yeah. Anyway, had a blue margarita. It was fine. Okay. First up, in July 2012, this major league baseball team created a nightmare teddy bear that had the face of one of their veteran players. Good gracious. It was such a hit that they gave more away a month later. Which team did this? Who is that guy? Who is that supposed to be? A, the Tampa Bay Rays. B… Yeah, but who would that be? Boston Red Sox. C, Chicago Cubs, or D, Miami Marlins. I feel like that might supposed to be, might supposed to be. That’s a weird… Clemons. Roger Clemons. Go back to the teddy bear. That ain’t Roger Clemons, man. Not by sight. I know, but I think they made his face more Teddy-ish. Uh, uh-uh. Because there’s not many baseball players that have a second chin like that other than like, Babe Ruth. You know what I mean? You think Roger Clemons had a double chin? No, no. I’m saying that like they teddy bear-ized his face. He wasn’t happy about this. Oh. I mean… So, I’m going with the Red Sox. This is 2012. See, they said a veteran player. This is a veteran player. In 2012. I don’t know. I don’t know enough about… One of their vet- Oh, so like veteran players, like from the past? Or like somebody was still on? Yeah. From the past. What? I mean a veteran is still somebody who’s like playing. Oh, I see what you mean. Actually, I have no idea. So, I’m going with B. My uninformed guess. I think this is Chicago Cubs. For what reason? Because the uniform looked like… Because the teddy bear? It could be the Cubs. Because the teddy bear. And the teddy bear. A baby bear is called a cub. And it’s the Tampa Bay Rays. Don Zimmer. Oh, Don Zimmer. Oh, what a veteran. Yeah. Yeah. What a veteran. Don Zimmer. We love our baseball players, especially that Zimmerman. We do, we do. All right. If you don’t stop, I’m going to have to give you a spanking. Okay. Let’s see another one. Boy, I can’t get enough of this. A decade… You’re good at it. A decade after heavyweight boxer, Mike Tyson bit off a chunk of a Evander Holyfield’s ear during a fight, this minor league baseball team held Mike Tyson ear night on June 28th, 1997. The first 1,000 fans in attendants received a fake ear, which could be taken to several ear decorating stations set up within the ballpark. It’s like a little craft night. This was a decade after the incident. Yeah. And only a thousand. Oh, it was minor league though. It was when you could start laughing about it. It took 10 years to laugh about it. Ear decorating stations. Now they’re like friends. How do they… Really? In fact, Mike Tyson has a, I think I’m getting this right… A talk show. Mike Tyson, not only that, but Mike Tyson has like a line of cannabis products. Yeah. And one of them is an edible that is a Evander Holyfield ear. Really? And it’s like a partnership between him and Evander. It better be. See if I’m wrong about that. Look that up. What a weird thing to be wrong about. What is an ear decorating station? What do you… I don’t know. I’m very interested though. Like Claire’s. Maybe they had those little like stick on earrings that little kids where there. Oh, I want to go back in time just so I could be there. To get the ear or to get the stick on earrings? Just the whole experience, 10 years after that fateful night. So, what’s the question? Left ear or right? Left ear. Here are your team choices. Right, right, right. But right ear you’re gay, right? Which one is it? I had the one, I had the gay one pierced for something. The gay one. I had the gay one pierced for something we did. Anyway, Montgomery… That’s not a thing anymore, right? Huh? It’s not a thing. I don’t know if it ever was a thing. I think it’s somebody… Because like George Michael did his right ear and everybody was like, “Oh, he must be gay if you’ve got a right earring.” Well, he was gay. I know, but I think it’s just, it was a fashion choice that some gay icons made. Oh. And so it kind of, but like, yeah, I don’t think it’s ever been… I don’t know if it’s ever been a thing. It was never a thing? I mean, it was, I don’t know. I mean, is that the only way you’re telling if someone is gay? That’s the only way I know. ‘Cause that’s like… Yeah. You know, I don’t want to stereotype people, so yeah. I always look for the right earring, and then I’m just completely lost if they don’t have one. Montgomery Biscuits from Alabama. Corpus Christi Hooks from Texas. Biloxi Shuckers from Mississippi. I love minor league teams. Fort Myers Miracle. The Montgomery Biscuits? There’s a team that their mascot is a biscuit? Isn’t that awesome? 10 years later. Why do you need anything besides that to get people into your park? You don’t. Corpus Christi… They should be giving up biscuits, that’s for sure. Hooks. Shuckers. It’s hard to get any context clues ’cause this is four southern states, four weird teams. 10 years after the fact. Minor league teams. I don’t believe that Mike Tyson is from any one of these places. Minor league teams get so kooky. He did live in Florida for a while though, didn’t he? Corpus Christi Hooks. When he had his tiger, wasn’t he in Florida? Let’s go with the Hooks for me. I’m going to go with the Fort Myers Miracle. From Texas. You’re both going with Hooks? No. I went with the Miracle. Florida. It is. It’s the Miracle. Yes. I was just looking at the artwork for these minor league teams. Oh, let’s see it. It’s awesome. We have to pull it up. But the Corpus Christi Hooks is a like, what’s the word when you make an object that’s not a human? Anthropomorphized? Yeah, yeah. Anthropomorphized. Fishing hook, which is awesome. And the Montgomery Biscuit situation is really cool. Maybe they’ll send us some merch. What you doing? What you doing with your hand? I’m wetting my hand so I can give you a nice moist spanking. I was told if I wet my hand that the spanking would be… Even better. Much easier. Well, no, it’s not. Watch this, this is… Let me see what’s happening with your hand. Come for the baseball, stay for the spanking. You know what I’m saying? This is not doing what I hope it would do. Well it needs to be realistic. You know, like if you had been down in your basement. Yep. Just eating Cheetos all day with your bare right hand. I want you to bend over. Show me how you’re going to bend over. I want you to do how your daddy made you do and grab the chair. No, I bent over the edge of the bed. Or the couch, right? Yeah. Rhett got so tall and his dad was still giving him spankings that he made him bend over the back of the couch. I was definitely tall. I was taller than him when he was still doing it. He’s tall enough to bend over the back of the couch and get a spanking. How old were you last time you got a spanking? Fourteen. Fourteen year old… I was six foot four, my dad was five nine. Bent over the couch getting a spanking from his daddy. Getting my ass whooped. What’d you do? Do you remember? I threw rocks off the top of the law school building with you. Oh, yeah. And your ass didn’t get spanked at all. No, man. You should have been spanked. I was sorry. I was sorry though. I was tears in my eyes sorry. You’d be easier to deal with. Now I’m not going to hit that. That will… Whoa, whoa. That’s, yeah. Go, yeah. That right there is your mic pack. That’s a mic pack. Now bend over. Bend over the couch, boy. Now you realize if you hit me too hard you’ll hurt your own hands. Just, I don’t want you complaining about hurting yourself. Oh, I hurt myself. My boy’s too tall. Well, you’re on the wrong side. I’m going to have to go like this. I didn’t think about it. No daddies spank like that. I don’t know any daddies that spank like that. “Oh no, I can’t look at you. I can’t look at you, son.” “I can’t bare to see you get spanked. But somebody’s got to do it.” Somebody got to spank that hiney. You want it right here? No, no, no, no. Don’t go low. Don’t go low, man. Well, you know, if the mic packs high, you got to go low. Don’t go low. Don’t reach around, now. I want you to know this is real. That is real. That is real. That’s a real hand with some real Cheeto dust, really out of focus. All right, here we go. Why did we even do the baseball stuff? This is so much… This is where the action’s at. I’m ready. I’m ready, Daddy. I’m sorry, Daddy. Now, son, you tell me. I want you to say what you did wrong. I want you to say that you’re sorry again. Well, go ahead now. I’m sorry, Daddy. For what? Diddy. For what? Diddy, I’m sorry I got up there and threw rocks at the cars. It was Link’s idea. And then when you came down and they asked you about it, what did you say? I lied. You lied. That’s right. What are you do… You’re making me- I don’t want to lose it. You’re making me so nervous, man. You’re making me so nervous. It’s expectation that’s part of the punishment. Hit me right there, man. Here we go. Why you getting so close? Here it is. Here it is, buddy. [Inaudible]. All right, here we go. You ready? Yes. What are you doing? I’m just, I’m trying to pick a spot. Well, there’s a lot to pick from. Right there. Here we go. I want you to know I do this out of love. I know, Daddy, I know you love me. What? What do you mean what? That hurt? That’s what… That hurt you? Yeah. What? What do you mean, “What?” What what did you want? Well, like a satisfying smacking sound. Well, that’d be added in post. Satisfying smacking sound. That requires a bare cheek. Well there was a lot of lead up, you know? Hey, it’s all about the tease, Stevie. I mean, you’re going to need bare cheek for something like that to happen. Okay, well let’s see it. No, we’ve already done that. We’ve already done that. We’ve already seen that. All the booty that you need to see this year. Now that was, that was one. How many lies did you tell? You can spank yourself for the rest of them. It was called the Cheetos spank. Now I think if you were to watch that back in semi slow motion, you would see that it had a nice bounce. Yeah. It was almost a smack and grab, but there was no grab. It was a smack and a bounce. Yeah. Yeah. That technique’s a real, it’s a real interesting technique you got there. Okay. Back to baseball. Back to baseball. You know, I could have just gone over to this side and you could have, I mean, like I could have just moved here and you could have been here, but whatever, you know. It felt right. In July 2008, this minor league baseball team hosted an anti-doping night at the ballpark during which they gave away urine sample cups at the gates to the first 200 fans. What? What? Urine sample cups? Yep. Haven’t you always wanted one? Were they empty? Yeah, I hope so. Or was it clean urine? Test these. It’s like you get your own clean urine. Take it back to work. Was it the Albany A’s from New York? The Vero Beach Devil Rays from Florida? I’m picking Florida so far. Visalia Oaks from California? Oh! Visalia. I was there earlier this summer. I was there too. You go to Sequoia National Forest on the north side. If you drive up, yeah. If you’re going to one of the national parks up there and you’re coming from the west side, and there’s just endless one farm after another. That part of California. It’s just crazy. It’s like another world. And then all of a sudden there’s like a kind of a big town in the middle of all that is Visalia. And I had a cheese steak in Visalia. The way you say it sounds like a nice little southern town in Georgia. Visalia. Vidalia, ’cause Vidalia, Georgia is where… Visalia, and Vidalia. My mom was born in Vidalia, Georgia is where the onions are from. Or Casper Ghosts from Wyoming. So it’s got to be a place… I’m going with Florida ’cause this is just tasteless. Anti-doping urine sample cups. I mean, I’m all against doping but don’t give me a urine sample cup. I’m going with the Casper Ghosts in Wyoming. Really dry sense of humor. It was the Vero Beach Devil Rays. Which Cassie is from Vero Beach. Oh! Is she now? Yeah. She went to that beach I baseball game, but she’s too late for a urine cub. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I’m going to wear this as my wedding band for the rest of Good Mythical More, ’cause I am still married. Yep. People have been asking lots of questions. New season, I thought I’d have my wedding band back but I took my wedding band and I melted it down into a new wedding band that I have yet to receive. Well, you know, you could be wearing like a silicone one or something. I did, then I lost it in the hot tub. Oh. And then I wore another one that every time I gestured, it flew across the room. Oh, you’re gestured with the wrong hand. That’s why. Yeah. Well, yeah. And then I was like, “Well, screw it. I’ll just let the internet conjecture about the health of my marriage.” A new season means we got a new mug. Grab the new GMM glow in the dark mug, available now at Mythical.com.