Are we good at kissing? Welcome to “Good Mythical More” Do you ha- Yours doesn’t have a tongue. It’s in there but- She’s not sticking it out. So we’re gonna learn how to kiss on these? Well, I know how to kiss. I know how to kiss! I think. Well, we’re. I mean, I didn’t know I had to read a whole book! Let alone two books! Well, the book I have over here is called, “Kissing” by Taylor D’Aotino? D’Aotino? Yeah. “The best tips, techniques, and advice.” As it relates to kissing. It’s interesting that the cover of this book, both eyes are open. Well, that’s an interesting thing, which you might be surprised by. I think that they look kind of closed, but you’re looking right there. And I guess you need to be able to look. Well- Before you- One of the facts from my book here, Link, or Taylor’s book, it’s not, you know I didn’t write it. No, you didn’t. I just have it right now. There was a Canadian study that found that a certain percentage of women keep their eyes closed during kissing, while a certain percentage of men keep their eyes closed. And what do you think is, just gimme some guesses. So I bet more men keep their eyes open. Well, of course. I’m so close to her! We can’t- ‘Cause we just can’t believe it’s actually happening. Yeah, yeah. We wanna see everything. Seeing is believing. We wanna see everything! We don’t wanna imagine anything. We’re visually stimulated. I don’t keep my eyes open while I’m kissing my wife. I don’t- That’s- I- But as close as they are, you’re just trying to make sure you’re getting in the right spot. And then, maybe once the lips touch, like a second later, both eyes could be completely closed. The stats are 97% of women close their eyes while kissing. And, 30% of men? 37%. What are you guys doing? Like 63% of y’all are keeping your eyes open while you’re kissing? So, that’s- I mean, I believe in the, like, every maybe 15 seconds, checking on things. Just like that. You know? But, you gotta- Then you close them hard hard like this. I don’t understand this. It’s like a scared kid hidden under a bed. Yeah. Inevitably, we’re gonna have to tell the story about the time we were in the make-out room in eighth grade, and I was with one girl, and you were with another girl. Yeah, but let’s not get into that yet. There’s- Okay, alright. Okay, alright. Let’s not get to that yet. Alright, okay. What else do you know? What should that first kiss be like? Page 58. 58. Wow, there’s a lot of pages in this book. It’s an overblown man- Like a manual. I wouldn’t call it a book. It should be- Like a brochure. No, this is a- A big- It’s a pamphlet. We’re talking a hundred, Hundred and forty… three pages! “What should that first kiss be like? Light, soft, and gentle. No tongues. Simple as that.” No tongues. Alright, so give me a light first kiss on that. Mine has a tongue, so I can’t do that. This is awkward. Well, first I would close my eyes really tight. But how do I find where the mouth is? That’s why- Close your eyes once the lips touch. That’s why we keep our eyes open. Like, keep your eyes open. We keep our eyes open so we can find a lip. Like, sleepy eyes, then you close it. Keep it, like, look down. Put your eyelids down. Like, like, yeah, there you go. Squint at ’em? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, it’s- You’re faking. Which way do you turn the head? I don’t know. It says, I mean, it says it right there. “How do we keep our noses from bumping?” So I read… The first time I did it, I went to the left. And, then I was never able to really master going to the right. Twice as many people tilt their heads to the right when kissing. To the right? Oh! I’m a lefty! I can go- No, I’m a righty. I can go both ways now. I’m a ambidextrous! I’m ambidextrous! I just realized it. ‘Cause I was going both ways, and I was like, “I can do it!” Yeah, I can do that. I mean, as long as we’ve been at it, we should be able to do that. So, just, it’s the slight, it’s light. Light, soft and gentle. No tongues. Just like a little, it’s just little. You shouldn’t watch a man with a beard kiss, you know? It’s the beard that’s your problem? I just, I don’t, for the people at home, you know? It’s like, once a lady gets used to it though, she likes it. “Twice as people tilt their head to the right when kissing.” Yep. Here, you wanna demonstrate a light? Why are you embarrassed? A light kiss? Do it! It’s your- It’s your face! Now, a common mistake is to form the lips into an exaggerated pucker. Yeah, let’s demonstrate the mistakes. Yeah. So exaggerate. Eye contact. Exaggerated Pucker. Lips out. “This resembles the O shape that younger children form their mouth into when they’re about to kiss an elderly relative.” Yeah. Yeah. But you don’t wanna do that. You just wanna keep it nice and… just nice. You actually don’t wanna make, you don’t wanna go You don’t want that to happen. ‘Cause that’s- It breaks her out of it. “I heard a noise!” You know, you could scare a woman! Yeah, a skittish woman. If you’re kissing a skittish woman, you don’t- If you’re kissing a skittish woman, you don’t wanna make too much noise. Yeah, you don’t want, you don’t wanna skit her. Yeah. Right. “For most people, a soft, gentle touch usually makes for a sexier more sensual French kiss.” Okay, here we go. “To get an idea of how much tongue pressure to use,” Well, what’s your book? Who cares yet? Well, you’re reading from my book! Because I have the tongue. Okay. “For most people, a soft, gentle touch usually makes it for a sexier sensual French kiss. To get an idea of how much tongue pressure to use, think about… darting into the uvula with enough force so that it bounces back. I was about to say, “Now Link’s making things up. That’s why he’s slowing down.” Oh God! Oh God! Well, that’s yours. Is it- Can you clean that? No. No, we don’t have time. Oh God! What happened to it? Oh my God. Look at what’s all over it now. Oh God. Look at! It’s like, how did it? Can you see what? That’s what’s on our floor? This is on our floor right there. It’s fuzzy and hairy. We need a tongue wipe. Oh my God. We need a few tongue wipes. Please clean that off before you give it back to me. I will say I needed this book. My first kiss, I was 13 or 14. And it was just like- Because I had gotten my education from all these other boys who were telling me what I was supposed to do, I just went- I might as well have had my tongue out going in. You know what I’m saying? For all I know- For all I know, I went in like that. And it was just like, I remember counting, I remember counting, because again, it’s just the way that the boys were. Yeah. They were like, “So how long did you-” Everybody’s like, “How long did you go?” And so I was like, “Well, I gotta go tongue first and I gotta count.” The two things. Right. I don’t see in this book. I got- I got Michael to count for me. Well I- Michael was back in the- In Shell’s place under the, on Campbell University campus. Yeah. Movie theater. And… we went out to the fountain. Seven seconds. I didn’t quite stay on the bull quite long enough. Seven seconds. Seven seconds. Seven seconds, all tongue, and came back in and reported. To get an idea how much tongue pressure to use, Wait, hold on. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You said you got Michael to count for you? Yeah. Is that what you said, Link? Yeah, he timed it. He was sitting next to me with his girlfriend. So when I kissed my girlfriend at the… Okay, so prior to kissing your girlfriends, you made an agreement that he was gonna time watching you kiss? That was almost public kissing. It was almost- I didn’t go to that party for some reason. It was understood. I don’t think I- It was understood? I think it was understood that he was gonna do that for me. Did you do it for him? No. He… He’d been at it so long, he didn’t need- He was a pro. He didn’t need any feedback. We took all of our pointers from him. Yeah. He wore a stopwatch around his neck at all times. Like a PE coach or- I went longer. He was just like, “1, 2, 3, 4,” “Breathe.” Who was he with at the time? Just say her initials. Hannah. That’s who Michael was dating? I believe so, yeah. I thought you were dating her. No, that was later. This was seventh grade. Oh! That was Leslie. We’ve talked about that. What? Yeah. No, seventh grade was Amber. Oh! Who I kissed. Your first kiss- Oh yeah we talked about this. Well, of course. We talk about it all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We never stopped talking about it. Yeah, yeah. It’s been a while since we talked about it. “Think about how we might lick a soft serve ice cream cone.” Like that? Did you go tongue first? Did you do tongue? I mean, that’s how I lick a ice cream cone. No, you get to ruin it then. No. I went in with the mouth, and then the tongue came out afterward. But the- You- The tongue happened. And then there was like some- It’s tough to watch one person kiss something. There’s tongue. There was like- I’d rather watch any two people kiss than- But it wa- Than anyone else and a non-person. It was all, it was a circular- I mean, it’s a circular thing. It definitely back then, like it was a circular thing. Like if I, if I just show you the tongue part. I will say… Sorry. I will say that the girls that we were kissing back in the early 90s in middle school, word had gotten around that the boys were coming in hard with the tongue and twirling with the tongues. And they were all ready for it. And they were- And they all reciprocated it. So it wasn’t like you started doing spiral tongue with a girl. And she- Like, she just went right and she was doing it too. Because everyone was like, “This is what we do.” It’s like two shoes. You know? They were ready. In a dryer, you know? It was like clunking around. Picture two tongues doing this. In a dryer, yeah. Yeah. You gotta take a break every once in a while. Right. But- That was what was happening in our middle school mouths. Good times, man. Good times. Beginnings- Before the internet, Here, “Begin- There was no YouTube. “Begin exploring your partner’s tongue.” This is my tongue. I don’t want to explore your tongue. “With light licks, sliding across the surface in a give and take rhythm where you react to your partner’s moves while making moves of your own.” Oh! So this is, that doesn’t- That’s not, that’s not a, a spin cycle. “Sliding across the surface in a give and take rhythm.” That’s an in out, is it not? Yeah. And then there’s the “How deep can you go?” Oh. Oh, here. Every once in a while. It’s not the first kiss. Page 85, “When your partner enters your mouth,” Yeah. “A very erotic move is to close your lips around their tongue and… gently begin sucking.” Like a pacifier, yeah. Like a pacifier. If you can put your- Yeah. I mean that’s erotic. Yeah. That was so- Do you see it? That was so erotic. You can read from my book too if you want to. Oh, tell us about your book. My book is “The Perfect Kiss” “50 Ways to Kiss Your Lover” This is written by Tobacco Road Press. She- Yeah, she’s a great writer. Tobacco is one of my favorite writers. Sym Scott? Why did Sym Scott not put their name on the- Where’s Sym Scott? On the on the spine? Oh. Sym Scott. Well this is a missed opportunity, Sym. Okay. As opposed to- Alright, so you got the first kiss, the plant, the lip lock, parlez-vous français. So by chapter 4, you’re learning French. Lip liner, the wrapper, the nipper? The pop, the vampire, the back of the neck vampire, the vampirate? The hickey, the purse, the peppermint, the hot, the bones, the lady in the tramp? What’s vampirate? Please tell me. Let me read the rest. The global, the nice to see you, the Hollywood, the giver and the receiver? There’s so many of these. Oh my God. Oh my God. They’ve got- The tugs, the muzzle nuzzle, the ease zone, the dart, the tongue in cheek. Gomez one, two, and three? Hold on. We got Gomez one, Gomez two, and Gomez three? Yeah. The edge, the sloppy, the picture, the Al Bacio, the almost, the dip, the trace, the all-encompassing, the Sherlock, the whip, the conversation, the Outlander. That one has a sword. The talk to me, the tasty, the butterfly, the lipstick, the anatomy class, the dragon’s kiss, the xoxo, the Marilyn, and the blow… Can we look at- A kiss. The three Gomez’s? So that- Instead of the vampirate? I wanna come back to the vampirate. Vampirate. Alright. Three different Gomez. 63. What’s the first Gomez? Is this from like the Addams family? Because he did a bunch of kissing. He was a very sensual person. Okay. “Gomez and Morticia Addams left the biggest impression when it came to love, sex, and kinky sex and romance. Everything turned the two of them on, which is funny.” Okay… “It’s done with the largest sex organ in the body, the brain.” Oh, okay. “From there, you follow your instincts.” Boring. Okay. “The Gomez deserves to be h-” “I’m calling it Gomez one, two, and three, because Gomez is the one doing most of the devouring.” Okay. What? I don’t see that there’s any- What about physical- There’s nothing that’s actually happening here. What about eye contact? What about squint? “Practice inside and outside of the bedroom, keeping their blood running hot.” So this is more about where you’re kissing. Is it like foreplay? This is like foreplay everywhere. “Verbal exchanges also make other possible mates boring to them. So the possibility of having an affair is essentially non-existent.” What? “Gomez two… is the ‘arm kiss’” Oh! It’s the arm kiss? He did a lot of arm kisses. He would start on her hand and then go up her arm. I remember that. Uh-huh. And then the Gomez three… Which one is this? He kisses up the outside of the finger until he reaches the top, and then dives into the interior side and web between fingers. Although it may look like he’s chewing on chicken wings, he makes it clear that he is focused and enjoying every morsel. After covering each appendage, he moves on to the hand and nuzzles into it. The Gomez three is a great standalone kiss or the starter.” Okay, that was kind of a dud. Yeah. Kissing her arm- Oh yeah. See, there it is. Yes. He just like kisses her everywhere. What else did you wanna know about? Vampirate. But now I got- The dragon’s kiss? Now I’m not that excited after I heard the Gomez. Right. I’m going to the dragon’s kiss. 112. This is the very end, How salacious can we get? Okay. She called- A friend of the author called her lover a dragon because he’s smoking hot. “She dropped her purse to the floor, then her keys, followed by her coat. She kicked off her shoes. She moved closer and closer. She could feel his breathing. She inhaled his masculinity? This is like a romance novel. He watched amused. He wanted her, but he waited. And yet she did not touch. So she smelled his breath. And then she began. She lit the match by barely touching his lips with hers. Accepting the torch, dragon’s heat took over to stoke the fire. Taking her in his arms and planting the perfect kiss as steam escaped off fingers and toes.” That’s a weird book, man. This is not- “Spark, ignite, engulf. In that order.” It’s kind of a letdown. This book’s better! I’m sorry. ‘Cause it’s like, it’s very practical. Avoid kissing. “Avoid kissing in a robotic way.” Yeah. You know, “In other words, avoid repetitive machine-like tongue maneuvers.” Yes. “Kisses like this have been given all sorts of nicknames. Jackhammer, piston, woodpecker, blender.” Ah, I know about the blender. Blender. You gotta mix it up, you gotta keep ’em guessing. What about licking the teeth? Ugh? Okay! That’s good. If the first reaction from you is “Ugh!” then that gets erotic. I mean- I think if you’re in a teeth-licking mood, it’s just like, it’s animalistic at that point. You know what I’m saying? Like so sometimes, yeah. I mean, especially if you know that there was a teeth brushing that happened beforehand as part of the foreplay? Which highly recommend. Thorough teeth brushing. And don’t just brush your teeth, brush your tongue. Brush your tongue, mouthwash. Brush your gums. And… You know? Swallow a little soap. And depending on what you’re planning on doing, brush halfway down your throat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get it all. Get it all. Great. Get it already. Yeah. Yeah. 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