Hello Sir, welcome to the Bullseye Mart’s return counter! How can I be of service? I have some items to return. Well that’s what I’m here for. I’d like to return these pants, but I don’t have the tag. Well you know what, we have a very lenient return policy, not a problem! I actually have a second pair of pants I’d like to return. I’ve worn them for a few weeks and have finally become convinced that they don’t fit, even without underwear. Understood! And I’d like to return this shirt, it’s got vomit on it. Oh I’m sorry about that! Oh no, I did it, or at least I think I did. I don’t remember much about that night. Hahaha, been there! Once I got these Airpods that I accidentally washed in my hoodie pocket, they definitely don’t work any more. You have the receipt? No. Not a problem, the paperwork just makes things more difficult for me. I’d like to return this board game, I keep losing. Would I be able to return this fan? I’ve kept this in the corner of my bedroom for the past 3 months but every morning when I wake up, I think it’s a little man. I can see that. I’d like to return this open bag of chips. Yeah, those are very stale. Exactly! Not a problem! I, uh, used this entire tube of lip balm but my lips are still getting chapped. I was gonna say something but no problem! And what if I were to give you this loose bolt that I found in my garage? Well I’d give you a full refund on the Absersize 7000 that you bought back here in 2008. Okay! What about this bag of dirt? I’ll give you a refund on the rocks, plant and animal matter that decayed over hundreds of years to make it. Wow this is amazing! Yeah you really like returns, don’t you? You know maybe I like returns so much because I’m often wondering if I shouldn’t try to get a return on myself. You ever feel like that? Like you’re a disappointment? No! I wonder am I good enough? Maybe I should get returned to the store in exchange for someone new. Hey don’t be so hard on yourself! Everybody has a bout with low self-esteem every now and then. I mean I’m sure you’re worth a lot. Thanks, I really appreciate that! You know what, just out of curiosity, uh, if I did want to return myself, uh, what could I get? Well, never tried this before but… Looks like you’re worth about $17 of store credit. $17? $17? Aw shoot, I always forget the golden rule of the returns counter. Let’s do it!