I’m Tom Segura, and this is my last meal. [Heavy metal intro music] Every person has exactly two things in common. We all gotta eat and we’re all gonna die. Today’s guest is a standup comedian, podcaster, and dunk contest superstar, whose new Netflix show Bad Thoughts is out on May 13th. They call him mano meurto. Tom Segura, welcome to the show. What’s up dude? Thanks for having me. Of course. Can you tell me how you got the name Mano Meurto, Dead Hand? I used to spend my summers in Lima, Peru. Mm-hmm. That’s where my mom’s from. And I would go to an all boys Catholic school there called Immaculada. I would go to classes, you know, and so this one particular day a teacher was like telling me that, stan, like where, where your, where’s your pencil? Where’s your paper? You don’t have anything. I didn’t have anything on my table. Mm-hmm. And I was like, uh, I kind of was stumped. And then they started to chirp in class. They’re like, he’s the gringo, he’s the Visiting American. Mm-hmm. So then he was like, okay, come up to the front of the class. And he made me stand in front of the class and he goes, the kids are gonna ask you whatever they want and you have to answer. And I’m like, oh, okay. I thought they were gonna be like, so where are you from? Yeah. Do you know any movie stars? Yeah. Like, what’s it like in America? And they were all like, just vile, crazy questions. The teacher was like, yeah, answer man, answer all these questions. I was like, all right. And so they’re asking me wild s–t. And then one kid, he, um, he goes, how he goes, how many times a day do you masturbate? And I was like, and I looked at the teacher and he just goes like, answer. And I’m like, how many times? He goes, and then he goes, well, no, what’s the most times in a day you’ve masturbated? I was like, there’s no way that he wants. And he’s like, you know, so I was like, uh, you know, this is all in Spanish, by the way, right? Mm-hmm. So it’s like, Cuántas veces puedes masturbarte, and I’m like, um. Si pienso en tu madre puedo conseguir siete. Which is like, if I think about your mother, I can get seven out of me. Mm-hmm. They call me dead hand because I masturbate so much. Incredible. It also sounds so much more beautiful in Spanish. It does sound pretty in Spanish, you know, and it also, it also, it it’s kind of training for, um, for standup and heckling. So I think it was like, if you want to get good at that, maybe do a study abroad in South America and see how long you last. Have you ever had a moment with a heckler that was better than that moment in Peru? Because that seems tough to beat. I mean, I remember one time this lady was so drunk, I was like basically laying into her. Mm-hmm. And then she stood up. And she fell over the table and like everything on the table landed on her. Mm-hmm. Gary Shanley said this, don’t get mad. Mm-hmm. Get funny. And it sounds like a weird advice to give. Yeah. But when you’re being challenged and you have to be on your feet in the moment, it’s easy to get upset. Right? Sure. Because someone’s like messing up your show. As she fell and all the food fell on her, I was like, eat out of that trough pig. Sometimes karma just rains down and that’s beautiful. And I was amused by, by calling her the pig, but. I looked back at the audience and everyone was like, whoa. I was like, and then you try to go like, so anyway, yesterday! My kid is so cute and unpredictable. They’re like, nah dude. Well sh-t man. Uh, thank you so much for being here. Have you thought about your last meal before? What I put on that my last meal for you guys, It is basically how I want to eat every day. Yeah. And I think I did for about 15 years. Yep. Um, and it’s just like, I, I mean, I love food so much. Mm-hmm. And so, like I got so excited by, I got honestly sexually aroused by the experience of writing down these foods. Like even reading the card of what were happening a whole, like, I’m just tingling. I’m edging right now. I’m just like. Again, do you flip it up into the waistband or down into the taint? Um, up definitely up, yeah. A man of taste. I see. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But it’s, uh, it’s to me, I mean, I feel like talking about food, like brings me, like, makes me feel alive. ’cause what I really enjoy is like, I enjoy food so much, but I also love sharing. What I love about food with other people. Yeah. So like my favorite thing is to have something I love and then call somebody and be like, you have to have this. Mm-hmm. You have to go to this restaurant, you have to try this. ’cause I want them to experience the same joy that I did, you know? Yeah. And so most days it’s just like, what’s some lean protein? Mm-hmm. Let’s get some greens in here. And I just. Look at food like we’re gonna have today. And I go, that was a past life that I sadly eat another chicken breast, but today it’s on, dude. Tom. For the first course of your final meal, we have the warm popovers with some cultured Normandy butter and some house made fresh strawberry jam. Right here we have some chocolate chip pancakes, a little bit of real Vermont maple syrup, some more of that cultured butter on top. And then we have the thick cut bacon. The butter basted, farm eggs, and then some crispy hash browns. This is, this is insane. Let’s go. Come on, come on. Let’s do it, bro. What do we doing? We made it. Is there a story behind this like large breakfast platter? This to me, I could have morning, noon, night. Mm-hmm. Always. I, I love it. Anytime of day. Yeah, a hundred percent. Dig in man. Alright, here we go. This is what I do, by the way. My move is I take this egg, oh, it broke, and I put it on the hash browns. Smart, smart. And then the yolk goes through it. And a lot of doctors will tell you this is a good way to eat. Like there’s something. That read’s like, very dad about this to me. Like I grew up with a single dad and it was mm-hmm. Breakfast for dinner all the time. ’cause that’s all you wanted to cook. Do you like cook those kind of breakfast for your kids? Eggs, toast, pancakes, like those kinds of things? Mm-hmm. Yes. Very often. They also like, um, what’s called Hungarian thing called pal chito, which is crepes. It’s just Hungarian crepes. ’cause my wife’s Hungarian and they’ll make that, they actually will make the batter from scratch and everything. And, and they bring it to me. So I’m like, yeah. Cool. You’re losing if you’re making breakfast for your kids. You have to get your little child labor force to make breakfast for you. That seems really smart. The whole idea. Is to have them do everything soon. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I mean, they’re only six and nine, but I want ’em to get jobs. What’s your ideal job for them? Right now we’re talking like spinning a sign or we’re talking about like making sprockets in a factory. Dude, whatever pays the bills, they’re expensive. These kids, and I’m always like, Hey, you thinking about contributing to the mortgage? And they’re like, what’s that word mean? And I’m like, nevermind. I want to talk about your new show. Bad thoughts, which I personally. I think it’s fantastic, even though your mother hates it more than anybody really hates it. Is she more disappointed in you now or than when you caught one of her legendary farts on camera and posted it? Uh, I’ve never seen her quite as upset as when she watched this show, so I would say this probably like actually, yeah, she was really mad. She was like, this gotta be, you have to be lying to me that you’re making, you made this. This is not for real. No. What do you mean, Tommy? That’s not funny. This is so disgusting. I am beyond vomit. It’d be an incredible bit to have like a multimillion dollar production just to prank your mom. I know. I go, you know. Netflix spent a lot of money on this and she goes, pay it back. Pay them back. Is it too late or can you still do that? It’s too late. Shoot. Yeah, that’s definitely too late. Are we trying one of these? Yeah. Dig in, man. Oh my God, bro. Still warm. I feel like they’re not making popovers like they used to. They’re not. A relic of the past in a beautiful way. Like there’s something like so sensual about this too. Mm-hmm. The way that it breaks open, airy has– Reveals the hollowness inside. You know, it’s sort of like my soul. Mm-hmm. I got it. Oh my God. Speaking of your soul, have you like really tried to philosophically break down why you’re attracted to such grotesque things? I mean, I’ve thought about it. Sure. Um, you have had a fair amount of like messed up things happen to you or you’ve witnessed them. Can I name off a couple instances and then you rate them on a scale of one to 10 from least to most traumatic? Uh, sure. Observing an 84-year-old woman in an operating room, getting a softball sized vaginal cyst removed when you were in sixth grade. Pretty high up there. Um, it definitely put the fire out on my doctor dreams. Mm-hmm. Um, I was like, I could do this. And I saw that and I was like, Nope. Yep. Um, I was observing surgery at the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville, the, the satellite. Mayo. ’cause the, the Rochester is like the hub. My uncle set it up and he was like, ’cause I was like, yeah, I wanna be a, I wanna be a surgeon. And he was like, okay, well you can go spend the day with these surgeons in Jacksonville and watch them perform surgeries. And I was like, great. This will be fantastic. Mm-hmm. And she was awake. That was the big thing. Yep. Is that doctor comes over, she’s laying there with her legs wide open. She’s 84 years old. It’s not the thing you want to see first thing in the morning. And he’s like, Hey, um, just so you know, he goes, she’s awake, she can hear everything. And I go, okay. He goes, so don’t say anything. You know, like, Hey, this looks gross or something. I was like, I go right. I won’t say that. And I have my dad over my shoulder. My dad came with me. So then we’re both like. Looking. He’s like, I just hear him ’cause he is got the, the mask on. He’s like, God, look at that thing buddy. And I go, yeah, I’m looking. And he’s like, I go, don’t say anything. She can hear us. And he’s like, I know, but sh-t man, that’s really something. And I go, yeah, no, I left there. I was like, yeah, I’m gonna try another field. Yeah. Yeah. So like, like, like an 8.5 outta 10? Pretty high up there. Um, brother finding an injured motorcyclist in Florida whose head flapped open, like the flip top of a sand Pellegrino alachata? My little sister Jane, we’re driving out to see friends in this, uh, on this street that’s a one-way. And as we’re going out, she goes, I saw something back there. And as I get closer, I realize that the light is coming from a motorcycle. And then you turn and you see that where there was a fence. The fence is now down, so you just start putting it together. This motorcycle just drove through this fence, or it has to be a person, and then like 20 yards away. She calls 9 1 1 and she’s like freaking out to the point where, I don’t know, she’s like, there’s a guy and there’s a, there’s a motorcycle. I’m like, you can tell me like they’re, you’re not giving any of the information they need. So I go up to the guy. And I get, once I get close, the panic sets in for me. Mm-hmm. And I see him and I, this just shows like how you, how you conduct yourself when you’re in a panic. I just start to go, sir, sir, right. Child trying to get, waiters attention at Sizzler. And then I reach my finger out and I just. I touch his shoulder and as I push, I just hear, Ugh. And I’m like, oh. And I just go, don’t move, don’t move. You’ve been in an accident like there’s an ambulance on the way. Mm-hmm. This guy, ugh, just starts grunting. And when he, he’s laying down, he sits up the top of his head, just flaps open. And I go, oh my God. But he’s so disoriented and drunk. Police come, ambulance comes, they medevac. So a helicopter comes and we get outta there and I’m like, yeah, let’s go hang out with our friends. Now, why did you have to point that out? Um, I would, by the way, I would probably give that like a seven and a half. Okay. Um, I remember that. Like months later, they subpoenaed me to appear in a court case and I threw that subpoena in the garbage. As you should do with all government documents. Yeah. Which is, by the way, it’s not a good thing to do. Uh, eat some pancakes. We’ll get to the, we’ll get to the trauma later. We’ve gotten ’em for the table. Do you drench them all in syrup? Pretty much. Here, I’ll take this. Uh, I’ll take the left. You take it away. When I see this, I think about the fact that ultra marathon runners will eat this before like a hundred mile run. Mm-hmm. So we’re kind of like that. What else do we have in common with ultra marathon runners? We’ve got shoes on. We do got shoes on. They love shoes. Famously, they love shoes. Famously they do. Yep. The final traumatic event. Dragging down a Child Predator in Costa Rica and interviewing him when you were a producer for America’s Most Wanted. 10. 10. So I’m working for America’s Most Wanted. And I was a researcher. I forget how this landed in my lap, but it was this, uh, horrible guy who was accused of, um. Horrific things with minors in Central America and like the Caribbean, you know, they hear it out. And then my contract, I was on a three month contract. They offered me a new contract and I was like, I don’t, I realized I didn’t wanna do this. I want to go, I wanna try to be on camera, I want to be in entertainment. So I moved to LA. Well, a couple months later, they contact me and they’re like, Hey, we know you’re not here anymore, but we’re gonna go do that story. And then they sent us down there, and I have to do, like, I have to be the translator for the producer. And asking like first the politicians, but then like victims of crimes. Oh God. And as I’m asking questions and they’re telling me I’m crying, which is totally unprofessional, right? I’m just like, this happened to you, I’m sorry. And then like the camera guy like leans over me. He goes, I don’t think this is the right job for you. I was like, oh no. I can’t believe she went through all this sh-t. Like it was just poor, like. Tearing up as the girl who has like gone through this horrific thing. is just like telling me the thing and I, and she’s like, it’s okay. I’m like, no, it’s not okay. I’m like crying to her. Judging by all of this, it sounds like bad thoughts could have been a lot worse and your mom should be really proud of you. Well, let’s call her. You should tell her, call her. I don’t have her number. I asked what? She never responded. Oh, I’ll give it to you. Tom for course number two of your final meal. We have the grilled artichoke hearts with a little bit of lemon aioli for dipping. We have the stone crab claws with a little bit of the knuckle meat pulled out next to it with some tartar and fresh lemon. And then we have the assorted sashimi platter with the yellow tail, the Ahi tuna and the salmon, and of course, a cucumber Collins with Por Osos vodka. Best vodka in the game. Cheers, man. Cheers. And only the second person to promote this vodka on last meals. Hmm. I wonder who will be next? Well, shoot, dig into the, uh, sashimi stone crab, wherever you’re going. This is, you know, this is a real Florida boy thing. Mm-hmm. Uh, stone crab, like everyone, you know, people know blue crab and they know, oh sh-t. Um, you know, um, king crab, but stone crab is like a. For me, like it just always reminds me of growing up in Florida. Damn. I’ve ne, I’ve actually never had stone crab before. Never had stone crab. Mm-hmm. No, this is fantastic though. This is incredible, man. Dude. Now we’re getting our protein in, dude. Hey. It’s like we negated the chocolate chip pancakes altogether. They don’t even count anymore. I’m talk about my favorite. Sketch in Bad Thoughts, which is about the country singer who kidnaps his fans to mine them for relatable content. Is that based on any country singer in particular? I was just like inspired, like a what if idea. Mm-hmm. Like what if there was a country music superstar. Mm-hmm. Who was like socially awkward and really outta touch. Yeah. And um. What if that person was actually responsible for some horrible crimes? Mm-hmm. And, um, yeah, no, I didn’t think of anybody in particular that would inspire it. But what about like the, um, like the fashion, the beard in it? I mean, it feels evocative of somebody. I just can’t, I can’t quite place it like, uh, yeah, I don’t, uh. Huh? I’m not really well versed in country. I don’t know, like who’s a, you’re more of a hip hop guy, I get. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But you know, America bro. Has this hypothetical person’s legal team ever been in contact with you? What I mean there, there’s so many people out there. You know, we talked to a lot of people. Yeah, I talked to that. I know a lot of guys. What do you have? Well, hey man, it was funny on the list. Uh. There, there’s another one that was actually really loving tribute to your father, where, uh, your children are reenacting scenes from the Vietnam War during a school play. Yeah. Uh, and your dad used to tell a lot of inappropriate Vietnam war stories. Is there one that like, sticks out above all the others? Bro, he, he had a real gift for, um, ruining meals with, um, well, he would do things like, he’d sit down at a restaurant and he was like, you know, uh, the hospital was paying a settlement to this lady ’cause they burned her vagina. And we’re like, okay. And he’s like, yeah, so you get a diet Coke. What? Or he’ll be like, you know who died? My cousin. And you’re like, oh, I’m sorry. And he’s like, no, just anyway. What is this stuff here? And, and Vietnam. You know, there’s, like, there’s war vets usually fall into like a couple different camps. Mm-hmm. Uh, the, the obvious understandable one is the. Hey, I don’t wanna talk about that. Mm-hmm. Which makes perfect sense. He was not of that ilk at all. And then one time I was like, wait a minute, you told me you were just like a lieutenant who you know, told people what to do. Mm-hmm. Did you actually do stuff? And he goes, I threw grenades in the bunkers and stuff. And I was like, were there people in the bunkers? And he was like, yeah. That was the point. I was like, that’s pretty intense. And I’d be like, what in the dude? And he’d be like, yeah. So, you know. I don’t, I don’t really eat artichoke. Okay. Like, that was, that’s the way he, he would just talk about it, kinda like, yeah. Matter of fact, the one that I actually think about that isn’t as, um, violently traumatizing is the marijuana one, because some of his marines had bought marijuana from a local guy. So he said that, he asked that guy, you know, do you have. Marijuana. Like that’s how he said it. Like a dork, do you have marijuana? And the guy was like, yeah. And then he lifted the guy up with his hand, threw him on the ground, cocked his M 16, put it in the guy’s face, and told him like, if you ever sell marijuana to my men. I’ll kill you. And then he took the marijuana back to the platoon and he made them all piss on it. That was his introduction to marijuana for me. Yeah. And I was like, cool. This is, this is gonna be a fun four years in high school with you. Yeah. Jesus. And I smoked so much. I smoked so much marijuana. Like so much. Uh, dig into the artichokes, man. Okay. I mean, here’s the thing. You still, even in your last meal, you want some balance. The key in any kitchen for any experience. No matter what it is, it’s still balance. Talk about what your dad taught you about balance. ’cause you, you described him as this like mythical figure who was either talking about sh-tting or the Vietnam War, but also he’s like this titan of industry who was also like a, a very loving parent, you said. He like never missed an opportunity to say, I love you. Oh my God. So affectionate such, I was so lucky. My dad. You know, he told me he loved me every day. It’s exactly how I am with my boys, honestly. Mm. It’s like I’m exactly like he was where super affectionate with them. Tell em I love em. He was, he loved being a dad. You could just tell like some people love being a parent. He was bizarrely loyal where like he would go on a cruise ship and my mom would say like, let’s go see the comedian. And he goes, there’s only one comedian I care about. That’s my son. And I was like, yeah, you’re not, I don’t treat it as disrespect. Mm-hmm. That you’d go to a show and he goes, I don’t care about anybody but you. I was like, dude, what are you doing? Like, and so my mom was like, yeah, I couldn’t even go to the show. ’cause your dad was like, I won’t go see another comedian. What was it like to watch such a larger than life mythological figure like that get sick and pass away? And this is just a couple years ago, right? Yeah. I don’t think anything really prepares you for it. I mean, in a, in a weird way. I was kind of prepared by the fact that he definitely should have died two years prior. Mm-hmm. Like one of the doctors even was like, yeah, this is, this is it. So he prepared me that that was his death. And that’s two years before passed. That’s two years before he actually died. Damn. So I actually felt like when he got out of that, I, I just couldn’t believe it. And then the messed up thing is I thought, well now he’s definitely not gonna die for like. A long time. Yeah. Like that’s the way it registered for me. I was like, oh. He’ll live for like a good long while now. Mm-hmm. We were supposed to go to Hawaii. I was, I was taking him to Hawaii. My, my mom and my sister were still in total denial, like they didn’t really know, so we were supposed to go. The funny thing was I had splurged on this trip to take him, and then he died and then the next year my mom was like. We should go back to Hawaii to celebrate. And I was like, yeah. She goes, you should do it the way you were gonna do it with your father. Like really make it like this really excessively expensive thing. And I was like, no, I don’t think so. Did you ever go back? We did go back. You said when you spoke at your father’s funeral. The only thing you could do to stop yourself from breaking down was like kind of clown on your mother. Yeah. Do you think that is like a sort of valid way to grieve and to take care of people and to manage other people’s emotions, or do you think there’s a point where it just sort of stops you from being able to actually live in the moment because you’re, you’re looking for the out from that emotion. So I was doing everything. To resist my natural, like feeling to be vulnerable. So I just saw my mom and I just turned this moment from like, oh, I’m gonna start talking about my dad and cry. I was just like, I can’t believe my dad had to be married to my mom for all this time. And everyone was like, what? And I think I remember, I go, uh, I go, if there’s any question about where my dad is, uh, it’s definitely heaven because he spent the last 40 years with my mother and anybody who spends a week with her deserves to go to heaven like that. And she goes. She was like, gave me the finger. I’ve never seen her give the finger. She gave the finger and I was like, ah. That, that felt good. Like I got a laugh. Yeah. And I was like, I said something I, I couldn’t have like, said what I really wanted to say. Sure. Like, in that moment I just, I couldn’t do it. Tom, for the third course of your final meal, we have these spicy rigatoni from Carbone. Now we did not get it from the restaurant. Carbone pasta doesn’t travel well, but we did make our best dpe and we did buy the plate directly from the Carbone Restaurant. It’s a beautiful plate. Really is. And then we have the Lomo sotado. Uh, so this is wok cooked tenderloin with the fried potatoes, uh, tomato onion, little bit of parsley, cilantro de glazed with some red wine vinegar and soy sauce served, of course, with white rice. Incredible. Wow. May I cheese the pasta for you? Please, please do. Please do. Absolutely. Just kind of tell me, tell me when, as we shave. This is probably the thing that, in, that I miss the most in my regular eating now. Is, uh, pasta. I feel like I could eat pasta. Like if you gave me the option. I just eat pasta all day, every day. Yeah. And I mean, can I serve you up? Sure. Thank you very much. Perfect. Thank you. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Listen, he’s got stuff to do tomorrow. You gotta run that ultra marathon sh-t. At least like a triathlon something. Alright, let’s quarter mile on the treadmill. Let’s call it that. Yeah. Quarter miles. What is that? 6,000 calories? Something like that. Yeah. At least. Mm-hmm. Fantastic. Yeah, it’s great. Damn. You did happen to be in Peru during the summer of 1993, which is where the Fujimori led Grupo Cornell Death squads were launching open warfare against the Marxist Luminoso ero. Mm-hmm. The Shining Path. Mm-hmm. And, and you were only about a mile away from one of the biggest terrorist attacks in South America. Um, how much did you know about the political situation there when your parents decided to send you down there for the summer? I mean, I had a child like a, a child’s grasp of it and they’re like, Hey, there’s a terrorist group, but you know, south America crazy. Like, you know, that kind of thing. You know how they are down there. It’s not wrong. I mean, that was going all across the continent at the time. And they were also like, well, you know. That’s, that’s nothing that will affect you guys. Mm-hmm. Like you, you’ll be living with your aunt and uncle and, and the house that we laid, that we, I was living in with my aunt and uncle had this enormous, like 10 foot by eight foot window. That was wooden thick and that you’d crank to have it lean, open or to close. Like it took a lot of force to crank this thing open. Well, this thing blew open, boom. The impact from the, like the shockwave of the bomb. Yeah. Within the hour, there’s news reports. Mm-hmm. And that somebody had taken a taxi, it was one of the shiny path people. Yeah. Took a taxi, loaded it up with 2000 pounds of dynamite and drove it into a building and blew it. Blew it up. And so I called my parents. I was like, yo, do I need to, should I come home? And my dad was like, no, you’re okay. You’re, were you there or something? I’m like, no, I’m, I’m at this house. Did you do it? I’m like, no. He’s like, okay, well, you know, everything’s fine. Yeah, I’m like, everything’s fine. Like just zero, zero thought whatsoever. My mom was like, Ugh. You know how, ugh, like disappointed in them. Can’t believe they would do that. Like disappointed in the, in the, in the shining path. Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, it was pretty sh-tty of em to do that. That does seem like a vestigial type of parenting that you don’t see a lot anymore of like totally. The, the world. Of course. It is a nightmare. It is. The history of the world is that of just bloodshed forever. Um, but also. It’s chances are you’re going to be safe. And also you can’t live in fear. Do you try and instill that in your own kids? Do you ever take inspiration from the way your parents acted during that? I definitely adopted some of that in my parenting. I think, you know, I think I also though have like, he had more patience than I do. I think I’m always just like, what is going on? And my kids are like, stop yelling. We’re just children. Uh, dig into the lomo saldo, please. Okay. Like, I love introducing people to Peruvian food. This is like the stuff that I grew up with, you know, at home and fell in love with, and I love that so many people learn about the cuisine. What sort of appreciation did you take away from living in Peru during those summers, like seeing how other people lived, not in America. You just start to like them more. You know? Yeah. Like they’re, it’s your home. You start like, this is where I sleep, this is where I eat. This is where I go to school. These are my friends. Start becoming people that are from there, and then it just, yeah. It’s humbling. You know? I’d never seen. Poverty at the level that you see in Latin America. Mm-hmm. I’ve never seen that. So it opens your eyes to, that. Opens your eyes to the way other people live. It opens your eyes to the, just the fact that there’s, the world is so much bigger. Yeah. But I feel like it’s very easy to live in a bubble in the States. Like, by the way, everybody does this. If you go to other, it’s not like we’re the only ones, but I think that. Wherever you live, it’s very easy to fall into the thing of like, this is all that matters. Mm-hmm. And you start to have greater consideration for people in other parts of the world when you actually spend time there. I really felt like, uh, more of a Latin kid, like I have obviously my Latin mother. When I would spend all that time there, usually like, you know, the language, music, the food, all of it, just, it became more of my identity. Yeah, when I would leave there, but I have, I love Peru so much, and I love Latin America, but Peru is obviously like a very special place for me. One of the most interesting things you said is that people have a misconception about comedy being always rooted in truth and like you are obviously like a very empathetic, well thought out guy, but people see you make jokes about clowning on the pores. Mm-hmm. What do you think they’re taking away from that? That they shouldn’t be? It’s such a bummer when you have to explain jokes, but there’s like, there’s a deep pain in this posture. There’s like, it’s just, here’s the thing, it’s so immediate when people either understand what you’re doing or don’t in those types of jokes. Mm-hmm. That you just go like, yeah, I can’t like actually spend time. Yeah. Talking to the person who does like that wasn’t cool and you’re like, okay. But do you think there is kind of this paradox specifically in comedy where. I think you said that it’s your sort of job to live life and then report it. Mm-hmm. Right. But as you get more successful, you get more and more removed from that. It’s kind of like the unnamed country singer that is not based on anyone in particular. Mm-hmm. From your sketch where you get kind of removed from everyday life and it’s your job to report on it, how do you find a, solve for that? Whatever you care about. You put effort into. So the effort in this case is just to be engaged in the world. If you move into your ivory tower and go, this is my world now, then that’s what you’re gonna think about and talk about. Mm-hmm. So it’s like either participate, you know, like be amongst people. Sure. Live in the world, have real world experiences, and then you can talk about those or you know. Leave and talk about that, but that’s not gonna be relatable to anyone. Yeah. Tom, for the entree of your last meal on earth, we have the 28 ounce, two inch thick, medium rare, so Pittsburgh style, heavy, heavy sear on that crust bone in ribeye with steak fruits, and then a beautiful. Kamus Vineyard’s, 1972 Anniversary edition. This is a 2022 red. May I pour you up? Please. Just tell me when. Okay. Alright. Thought you were gonna just do the whole glass. We could if you want to, man, it’s your last meal. Cheers. Thanks for this. It’s been a great experience, dude. No, thank you man. That’s good stuff. Yeah. Nice, nice. Burbank parking lot. Temperature. Mm. That’s exactly how they tell you to keep your wine. Wait, look at this steak bro. Uh, please man. Take, take whatever you want. Just save me some notches on the bone later. The bone is really. That’s the move, dude. I’ll arm wrestle for it. Couple of these. Oh Jesus. You ever think that ultra marathon isn’t the sport for us? No Strong men do it. They do it. White dude. In your second Netflix special, mostly stories, you said that you don’t wanna live past 70. Yeah. Was that ever true and or is it still true today? I think the whole point of that bit for me was like, I don’t want to get super old. Yeah. Yeah. And break down. And it feels like 70 is the beginning, the official beginning of the end. Like it sounds like seventies, where you’ve made it, where it’s not like, oh, you die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you die at 70, they’re like, eh, you know, this is what happens sometimes. Yeah. Um, but it’s like 70 is when. Things just start to fall apart. It don’t, things don’t upswing from there. Yeah. It’s just a slow roll from there. Grandma was 101 for the last 15 years. She would just talk about how all her friends are dead and she wanted to die. Yeah. I’m like, well, I’m not gonna do it for you. I know I don’t want to be around for. I guess all the decaying, like the, the decomp while you’re alive, that happens. Yeah. You get to that age, like your teeth fall out, toenails turn, turn blue. Like everything, everybody just hunches over. It’s your body’s just trying to shut down. How do your relationship to longevity change when you had kids? Because I think you said it took your first kid to get you to like stop being kind of reckless and dumb and actually like get yourself. In shape and lose weight and live a more balanced lifestyle, you have to actually see the kid alive. You know what I mean? It’s not like in the, in the womb, you hold the kid. Yeah. And then you feel it’s become so obvious to you that you’re responsible, like you have a responsibility. And yeah, I did see that. Like I was just man. I was just lying to my, I was in total denial about like my physical health and I was like, yeah, I have to be like, not only here, but I have to be like a better example. ’cause you do realize that everybody, every kid looks at their, like, my kids now look at me as somebody who like goes to the gym and is always exercising and like prioritizing like a lot of. Good eating food, but like, if I hadn’t had that like moment of going, I, I need to do this. Yeah, they would’ve, I mean, they would’ve known a different guy, you know, who would just be like, just eat donuts every day. I don’t know, you know? Yeah. Pizza. And That’s gotta feel really, really good though. No, it does. It does. I mean, the main thing that you feel good about is just mentally you feel better. Sure. It’s just you don’t realize like how much strain and stress living that way. Like affects you. Mm-hmm. You know, ’cause you’re, you are kind of like more stressed out. You’re groggier, you’re, you’re, you’re more tired. You’re, you’re not happy. You’re, you’re anxious and, you know, those things kind of all together. Just, it just doesn’t feel good, you know? It doesn’t feel good to, to be a slob. Like it’s weird ’cause it’s kind of fun for a little bit. Like when you fully embrace it and you’re, when you’re like, I don’t care, I don’t eat well and I don’t move and I don’t give a sh-t, I always eat whatever. Like, you kind of like embrace it, but then you have to like go like, oh yeah, this isn’t like a part in a movie. Sure. I’m living this life. And that’s, that’s where it just catches up to you. Do you think any part of that is like the aesthetics of culture changing over time? Because I think you’ve told a story where you like go up on stage wearing a ripped t-shirt and somebody’s like, Hey man, you’re going on stage. Like, don’t you wanna look a little bit nice? And you’re like, no, this is the look. Yeah. Like there was this kind of like dirt bag comedian aesthetic that didn’t just apply to comedy. Do you think that’s on its way out now? Or is this just like a personal choice that you’ve gone through? Um, I mean, we’re obviously in a. Like, right now we’re way more health conscious than we were 10 and 20 years ago. ’cause we just always kind of evolve and learn things. So I feel like you, you do see a lot of more people not just in comedy, right. Just like in life. Yeah. Who know so much more about like health and wellness and taking care of themselves and Yeah. So like I, I, that bleeds off into comedy too, where there’s just more people that are into fitness and, and all that stuff. But I don’t really know that we would. See that slob kind of character go away. Although, like when I say it right now to you, I, I don’t think of somebody like immediately as filling that role. Right. Yeah. Who is it? ’cause I can think of people that I watched growing up and like really did glorify that in a way. Yeah. I mean, I guess Bert. It’s, but also Bert is out there like running every day. Mm. Ish. Now he’s not. Was he lying? Can I just ask you about what Bert lied to me about when he was on the show, dude? Like without seeing it, everything a thousand percent and the mechanic story even happened, do you think he’s sort of the next evolution, like the T 1000 of that slob comic? Like the slob comic before was just sedentary, but this one can move and throw a spear. That’s a pretty good, that’s pretty good. That might be the case. He might be an evolved slob because he is gross. He’s so gnarly. He’s the grossest guy I’ve ever been around and yeah, he’s, he’s like, you know, shirtless and barefoot and drinking and belching and just. I don’t wear underwear. And you’re just like, I tape my toenails to the bottom of the coffee table. Like just, you’re like, what the hell’s going on? And then he’s still like, he is smart, he’s funny. Mm-hmm. Thoughtful. Um. I’m telling you with this, with like his athletic prowess. It is, it’s, it’s like, it’s almost feels like a cartoon. It’s like, it’s comical. He seems like a folk hero character from a country that doesn’t exist anymore. Yeah. It’s like, well they lost the Civil War in 1983, but they had this, this character, right? Yes. Big belly, larger than life. Throw a spear. It’s totally true. And maybe it’s why they lost the Civil Wars. ’cause they had that as an icon. It, it, it totally could be. I’m sure there’s somewhere in Eastern Europe. That he’s supposed to be living in right now. South Moldova? Yeah. Somewhere down there where they’re like, where is our God? And like some village and um, yeah. One day one of them will get an internet signal and be like, there he is, Tom, for the final course of your final meal on this earth we have the chocolate souffle straight out of the oven with some vanilla ice cream on the side. And then we got just the fat brick of bread pudding right here. This is a little bit of brioche bread, vanilla egg custard, a little bit of caramel cream on top, and then the ice cream. Dig into the souffle before it deflates. Okay. Oh man. Hmm. Let’s dig it. Ooh. Oh my God. When your dad was on his deathbed, he said he knows what happens after you die. Do you remember what he told you? The world moves. The world goes on. That’s really beautiful. It is kind of beautiful. I’ve thought about it quite a few times. Yeah. You know what happens when you die? The world goes on. Well, he said it. He was pretty close to dying. Um. But yeah, in the time since then, I always just think about it at random times. That’s literally a Buddhist haiku, right? Yeah. It’s like the world is the subject, not you, despite the fact that you were of it. Mm-hmm. I believe he also made a confession to you on his death bed where he told you something that he’d never told anyone before in his life. Um, that he liked a full bush on a woman. Is that what you’re talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I, I’d never. That’s, that’s not as Budda, well, kind of Buddhist, if you think about it in certain ways. It’s so weird, by the way, when a father shares, what makes his dick hard with his children? Would you rather him explain it or you find it in his porn stash in the garage next to his Nissan. Definitely find it. Okay. Yeah. I didn’t want to hear a thing about what turned him on. My dad liked the opposite of your dad if the magazine that I found. It’s true. Can I tell you something? I hope Big Bush has kind of really come back. All these things are cyclical. Yeah. And like. Fully shaved. I’ve never like really been, oh my God, please shave everything there. Sure. So it looks like you’re 19. Yeah. Like just [bleep], let the hair grow. Uh, have you been saving? I’m, I’m digging. Yeah. Yeah. Dig in. Dig in. Have you been saving, like anything super [bleep] up to tell your kids on your deathbed? I mean, I think they have, they’ll have YouTube, so they’re gonna be like, you don’t have to tell us anything else, dude. Um, I cringe at the idea though of my sons knowing what arouses me. I, I really do think that’s a weird thing that like any parent is like sharing any of those thoughts with their kid. Yeah. So like when they hear you say stuff like, um, a man’s taint is like Machu Picchu, like, uh, forbidden and yeah, I’m serious. But once you get there, it’s unforgettable. Thank God they don’t know any of this stuff yet. But how do you explain like bigger concepts like death to your kids? Like I know when your wife was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, right? Yeah. Must have been a, like a horrifying thing. Yeah. And we didn’t tell ’em anything. We didn’t tell ’em a thing. What do you mean? Didn’t wanna freak ’em out. They’re pretty young. Sure. So I didn’t wanna freak ’em out, you know, the big C like in like, so I don’t think that their minds could really grasp, you know, like the, yeah. The way that could go. And I didn’t. And like, you know, we mean, my wife and I talked about it, and so we’re gonna tell, like, we’re gonna talk about it, but we didn’t talk about it at the time because. Honestly, she didn’t want to and didn’t wanna have like that conversation with them, so we just didn’t tell ’em. Did you ever get any messaging about death growing up, or have you ever really feared death in that regard? Um, I remember like a horrible death. Uh, it, A classmate dying. Mm-hmm. Horrible. It’s so terrifying. And traumatizing as a kid for that to happen. Yeah. Um, I have friends who are like, I go to bed sometimes just thinking I’m gonna die. I’m like, I’d never have that thought. I never go. I mean, I know I’m gonna die, but I don’t go like, oh my God. Death is around the corner. It’s just not something that occupies my mind. Yeah. Uh, what do you think happens when you die? I don’t know. I think nothing probably happens. I think you just disintegrate into the earth and worms eat you and somebody takes a piss on your graves. Statistically, much more likely to happen. Yeah. You ready to get into the lightning round? There’s another round. There’s no more food. There’s no more food. Yeah. You can, we can, who’s the one person dead or alive you’d wanna share your actual last meal with that? I don’t wanna share it with. I think I said what? That you would, but, oh, you can add, you can. Who’s on your mind that you don’t wanna share your last meal with? Well, was the question wasn’t don’t? No. Who’s the one person dead or alive you would want to share your actual last meal with? Oh, my dad. Okay. Yeah. Who don’t you wanna share your last meal with? I was gonna say Hitler. I thought that was like a standard question. I, I was like, I don’t wanna have any field food with him. That’s a good answer to it. He’s a real bad guy in case anybody doesn’t know. I’m, we are notoriously anti Hitler on this. Even though somebody did say, I, our last guest said, I looked like Himler. Ooh. Let’s see. Yeah. Uh, what song do you wanna be played at your funeral? Like, big booty ho, like something like with like a beat? Yeah. And a festive feel. Yeah. Who’s your dream eulogizer? I’m trying to think. I mean, my wife always says that she’s definitely gonna outlive me and I try, like, I think it might be true, but I always try to tell her like, if I knew I was dying, I’d kill you, you know, just to like, to, so you don’t beat me. Mm-hmm. Um. I don’t know. Would, she would probably be too emotional to give a eulogy. Uh, God, I guess I’d have to do, why is this so hard? I don’t know. Most people are like Oprah. Oh, really? They do it like that? Yeah. Yeah. There’s like Oprah. Okay. I want Oprah. Oprah. Uh, what’s your biggest fear? Um, I, I really, I was, I don’t like rats. What’s your greatest regret? What the [bleep]? Why can’t I talk about rats? Oh, you can talk. You were done talking. I’m sorry. What’s your, uh, what happened with the rats? I don’t wanna talk about it. What’s the next one? What’s your, what’s your, what’s your greatest regret in life? Oh, these two chicks I was walking around Rome with. Um, we rode the train together and, uh, the one was like, you know. Once you come with us and I, I let them go. And I think about, that was probably the last chance I had for a threesome. And it just kind of…. Finally, Tom, are you happy? Oh, dude, I’m so happy. I, it is so much food, but it’s really so delicious. Thank you, man. Um, I really enjoyed it. Thank you. I’m sorry I struggled so much with those questions. I think it’s kind of your fault. My brain’s kind of not. I agree with that. The food comma really hit, it really hits hard. I feel truly really slow right now. We got that ultra marathon to wake up for, and also you gotta go watch Bad Thoughts out on Netflix. It’s truly fantastic. Tom, can you deliver your last words to that camera right there? Okay. There’s no great meal that isn’t followed by diarrhea. We know we’re gonna find Tom tomorrow. Morning everybody. You’ll find me right there. We’re gonna live stream our own diarrheas. Oh my god. There’s gonna be diarrhea in the car on the way home. A hundred percent. Mythical 24/7 is available to stream on Amazon Prime and Fire TV channels, Roku, Samsung, and more. Be sure to check out the mythical 24/7 channel and stream episodes of Good Mythical Morning and Mythical Kitchen.