Today I’m making lunch for my 9ine-year-old Jonah. It’s Jonah’s first Brazilian jiu-jitsu tournament, so I’m only packing him foods that make him as aggressive as possible. First up, the red die 40 in these Takis should give him that wildeyed feal edge over his first opponent. I was planning on getting some bull shark testosterone from the dark web, but realized Jonah had changed the password on the family iPad, so I settled for a Red Bull. My dad always got really mad when I burnt his morning toast. And he once fought a parked motorcycle. So, I’m hoping it runs in the jeans and Jonah can really channel this into locking in that kamura. Just in case that Red Bull wears off, I’m adding some caffeine pills so we can stay focused. And of course, we have to support the greatest fighter of all time, Jake Paul, by putting in the turkey from some lunchly that I’ve carved into ninja stars. And a reminder from the greatest fighting force ever assembled. Go get him, champ.