Almost every major cereal brand in America was invented to get men to stop playing with their dingle dangles. So Granola is the first breakfast cereal ever invented, except it was called Granula back in 1863 when it was invented by James Caleb Jackson. He was inspired by the work of Sylvester Graham, of graham cracker fame, who believed that a vegetarian diet free from red meat, alcohol, caffeine, and processed greens could cure impure sexual thoughts and masturbation. Cornflakes were invented in 1894 by John Harvey Kellogg at his Battle Creek Sanitarium to, ya’ guessed it, cure alcoholism and masturbation. He allegedly died a virgin at age 92 without ever consummating his marriage. He was also a wildly racist eugenicist. Grape Nuts are the invention of C.W. Post who suffered multiple mental breakdowns before seeking a cure with Kellogg at his Battle Creek Sanitarium. Post basically ended up stealing all the anti-masturbatory cereal recipes before accidentally inventing Grape Nuts while trying to create a grain-based coffee alternative. Now, Chex is a really weird one. It was created in the 1930s. It was originally called Shredded Ralston to appeal to the Ralstonites, who were this bizarre, racist, wellness cult. They believe that a new race people, free from pure thoughts, would eventually inherit the Earth. So hey, think about that the next time you make breakfast or the next time you, you know.