MK 419: Meals Of History Greatest Hits Marathon

In the Mythical Kitchen, we’re always moving fast, and trying to dream up the next big thing around here. You know, I’ve played so many goofy characters on this channel, and we still haven’t organized the costume closet. It’s just like a bunch of empty hangers and wigs that are tangled together, and a lot of them are gray. So, to understand why there’s so much gray wig hair, is that head-hair? I mean, don’t worry about it. Flipping back the old YouTube scrapbook and re-watching some “Meals Of History.” Yeah! It’s the show where we go back in time because why, Emily? Hold on, we’ve done this so many times. I should know this line. She’s so great at remembering it. Wait, wait, wait, wait. We gotta, don’t cut. This is real stuff people. Don’t you dare cut this camera. This is real stuff. All right, hang on. To understand the food of our present, we must first understand the foods of our past. Let’s go. She gets it the first time every try, except for sometimes it’s the third, or the ninth try. Yes. Anyways, enjoy this marathon of “Meals Of History,” and we’ll work on getting some more episodes out to you soon. Yeah. All right, so everyone knows the Titanic was a giant ocean liner that carried some of the world’s wealthiest individuals. It set sale in 1912, it crashed into an iceberg, and led to the deaths of 1500 people. Yeah, but what many people don’t know, is that it also carried hundreds of immigrants from different class backgrounds from all over Europe, so there are tons of food stories to tell. Speaking of which, Emily, since you are the passenger and I am the chef, I think you should be the one to choose what you’re eating. So right here we have the menus. We got first class, second class, and third class. I mean, are you really gonna make me choose between cabin biscuits and filet mignon and foie gras? I mean, I’m gonna need an evening gown. And I’m gonna change my name. We’re about to get fancy. Alright, let’s get cooking. Ooh hello, sexy peasant. Thank you for calling me sexy. Who do we have here? My name is Madam Hugh Marie. Madam Hugh Marie, well, welcome. Thank you. I’m on my way to the place where we shuffle diamonds around on a wooden floor. Do you know where that is, good sir? I think that might be in the first deck, but right now you’re actually in the kitchen. Oh, no. Well, now that you’re here, would you like to help out? Because we’re actually making your dinner right now. I don’t mind learning new things, so I guess I’ll help. You seem very excited about it. So right now we are making what are called Pommes Anna, which is part of the dish filet mignon lili. This was invented by Chef Adolphe Duglere, in the mid 19th century at Cafe Anglais in Paris. It was named after a French grandes cocottes, named Anna Deslions, this was her signature dish that she would entertain the aristocracy with. You seem to like that. You know a lot of words. So can you go ahead and peel this potato for me? No. You have a lot of safety hazards, frankly, for a kitchen. What with the gloves, those are gonna go up in flames immediately. So I can just do this if you’d like. Oh, okay. Yeah, you don’t really have to help, you can just stand there and do silly accents. That sounds good, yeah. Also, what kind of animal’s around your neck? This is faux, and it also says, “Make an entrance.” You certainly made an entrance. I think I get it . So this dish, the Pommes Anna, it is a very classical French dish, it’s actually a thing that a lot of people learn in culinary school, which obviously I did not go to. And then what you do, is you brush a pan down and butter, and then you layer the potatoes and you continue brushing it with butter, salt, and pepper, until you’re creating this kind of potato cake. You know, this is like the moment where I’d expect for us to take these and then make them into a potato chip version of whatever the Titanic served. Normally. No, we’re going like pretty classical on this. I think the foods of history are really fascinating, right? Like, it tells you all about the culture of the times. Like the poors, that’s what I call the steerage class, just the poorest on the Titanic. They did not actually get a formal supper. I didn’t realize that supper was known as a very kind of bourgeois thing. They ate like a fat breakfast, just full of like, oatmeal and milk and fish. Yeah, and you get to do Irish step dancing in the basement. Did you? I’ve only watched the movie. I don’t know anything else. I’ve never seen the movie. You’ve never seen the movie? No, I’m straight doing this without ever having seen the movie. So I’m only going off of actual historical references and mostly from the food world. I wanna throw salt in there like it’s the heart of the ocean into the ocean. Do it, I don’t know the reference ’cause I’ve never seen the movie. Okay, hang on. Here we go. So, you can teach me about the movie through cooking this Pommes Anna. I’m gonna approach it like she did in the movie, like, to the precipice of the boat. That was a lot in one spot. I think I’d probably be put to death if the aristocracy was not pleased with my Pommes Anna. I can’t imagine that the cooks on the Titanic were treated very well. Right now, we think of cheffing as, or at least, I’d like to think, as a somewhat respected profession. But like, back in, the early 1900s, it like, certainly wasn’t. I mean, it very much was, you were the help. There was, like, this sort of rise of this, like, haute cuisine in France, mostly perpetrated by a chef named Auguste Escoffier, who wrote a guide to modern cookery. And so much of what we know about cooking today, is still from that Escoffier tradition, and a lot of the dishes served on the Titanic, were like his original dishes. So we’re cooking this over somewhat low heat in the butter, and then we’re just gonna continue basting in butter. Almost all the food is basted in butter, so, all these aristocrats on the Titanic were probably just farting constantly from all the dairy and fat. Feels like a boring existence on the Titanic to be perfectly honest, like. I don’t know, I- Even for the rich people, like, what, you just walk around? In the movie, they go to church. You shouldn’t have to go to church when you’re on a cruise. I agree with that. I mean, do you have a lot of cruise experience yourself? Nope, never been on one. Never been on a cruise. But, if I’m on one- Emily, you would thrive on cruises. I mean, Maria . You would thrive on modern cruises. Yeah. A carnival cruise line? I’d be the Guy Fieri has a restaurant on all of the boats. Oh my god, I think she would hate that. So these potatoes have been cooking away. We’re trying to get a nice hard sear on the bottom. You see they are jiggling, which means they’re not sticking to the pan, so that means they’re getting some caramelization. But now, I’m actually gonna take these, and I’m just gonna throw them in the oven to try and crisp up this top. You can put that whole pan in an oven? You can put the whole pan in the oven, yeah, yeah. Modern technology, crazy, right? Oh man, I wouldn’t put a pan in the oven. That seems dangerous for me. Can I do something that’s a reference to the movie, but it’s also a longingness for this food? Yeah, I think you can do that. Okay, It’s in the top one, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don’t like that, I know the reference too. That’s the only thing I planned, before coming here today. All right, I’m just gonna call you madam from now on. Madam, we are making what is essentially a demi gloss, so we have a roasted veal stock right here, and then that is going to be fortified with different liquor. So, we have cognac right here, we have cabernet, and then we have madeira, which is a fortified wine, that was made, but in the Portuguese tradition, off of the African coast, in the Madeira Islands, it was very popular. I was gonna suggest a tasting spoon for that, but you seem to. How’s that for you? It will suffice. It will suffice. Okay, beautiful. I’m here to please you, I am just the help, as we have decided. So we’re gonna start, by sauteing our shallots in butter, in the pan. So this is just to get all the flavor sort of incorporated. So we’re also gonna be throwing in the bay leaf and the rosemary. And this is just a very rich sauce made with veal bones and three different liquors and a little bit of tomato paste, fresh herbs, and a whole lot of butter. Lot of bones. Lot of bones. A lot of rich people love eating bones. That’s what we’ve noticed from the past. What’s this thing? Oh, so this is called a chinois. Chinois? A chinois, yeah, it’s meant for straining the sauce. So we’re pushing through all those aromatic. Do I look like one of your French girls, Jack? Yes, all my- Jack, will you draw me like one of your French girls? All my French girls have conical breasts. All right, so now we have the tomato paste. It’s sort of reduced down, it’s all nice and concentrated. So we’re gonna add all of our liquors. So again, this is just a three liquor blend. This is gonna smell so good. Put the cabernet in, and we wanna cook this down for just a little bit. What’s that one again, cognac? So that’s cognac, this is Madeira, this is that fortified portuguese wine. Madeira was a huge import even to like the American colonies in the 1700s. It was one of the most popular wines back in the day. And it was a relatively new invention at the time, after Portugal, sort of, colonized the African coast. All right, so we’re just gonna season this up a little bit with salt. There we go. I’m gonna give it another 30 seconds, just to kinda get that raw liquor taste out of it, but concentrate all that complexity. How many torrid affairs have you had with them? ‘Cause I imagine that was common. We’re not. We’re never gonna talk about that. I was once betrothed to a baron, not of oil, but of something else. What was he a baron of? I cannot say. Secret baron. Drugs. He was unfortunately murdered so we could not go on with our nuptials, but we definitely did it a lot. You had an affair with a drug baron who was murdered by your husband. It was before I was… I was supposed to bury him, so it was like, we were gonna do it anyway. I see, I see. We were gonna do it anyway, so it was fine. I feel like back then, there were a lot of rules, but they were broken constantly. Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes. And contraception was a lemon peel. It works 13% of the time. That’s better than 0%, certainly. Exactly what I’m saying. So we’re gonna go ahead and strain this sauce off. How was this mysterious drug baron murdered? Poison. Was it from his own drugs? Maybe. I don’t wanna say anything that might get me into trouble. Well, no one will believe you anyway, because- So I’ll just ask, did you kill him? All right, so now I’m gonna take the sauce and I’m just going to pour it in, and we’re gonna reduce this down by a fair amount, and then we’re just gonna add butter to mount it. There’s a French term called beurre monte, which is a way too richen sauces up, by adding butter at the very end, we’d call that mounting. They were really into French stuff. French culture is, so much of it was kind of codified, under Louis XIV, right? Where they codified ballet, they codified music, they codified a lot of cooking. Of course, you’re familiar with the French mother sauces. Yes. Sauce l’espagnole, sauce tomate, sauce bechamel, sauce hollandaise. Oh, she’s very familiar, of course. I know them all. Now there’s only one more step, and that is to add this beurre monte, or mount the sauce. And so, now you can see the butter is just going to melt and sort of emulsify into that, and give it a lot of thickness and richness. So now we’re ready to actually get to searing off our filet mignon. What? Oh. All right, Madame Claire, who definitely did not murder her husband, we’re gonna go ahead and tourne some artichokes. You’re a funny poor. So we’re just gonna go ahead, and we’re gonna rip the outer layers of this artichoke off, and then we’re trying just to get to the heart. Again, so much of this cooking was about excess and discarding lots of edible product to get to just the best tasting parts of that product. Ooh. All right, so- I don’t think food waste would ever be a problem. No, I don’t think- Ever. That shouldn’t ever come back to haunt us. No. At all. Never. No, no, no. What is your relationship to the government, like, do you bribe officials? I feel like that would be a big part of your life. Oh no, I just marry men who bribe officials. Ah, okay, okay. And then I kill them. All right so, we wanna get it down to this sort of conical shape right here. And then I’m just gonna trim off the tops, with my very sharp knife. Do you feel like artichokes feel pain? No, I don’t think artichoke feel pain. I think poor people do, which you seem to have some. Oh, no. Poor people feelings. You are a funny poor. Yeah, yeah, that amuses you. All right, so now, I’m just gonna trim off the stem, and then I’m just gonna use the paring knife to sort of whittle around the outside. That makes me nervous. All the knives were incredibly dull back then, they weren’t allowed to have sharp things on the Titanic. There was a problem with rich people murdering the less rich. May as well. Who could have perpetrated that? Oh, well, sometimes you just have to clean up a mess. Now we got this artichoke, whittled down to just a stem, typically supposed to take some lemon, you just kind of rub it on it, just to sort of stop it from oxidizing. Then we’re just gonna toss that in there, and then we’re just gonna blanch these artichokes, and then we are gonna cut that in half, and then we are going to get that cut basted in steak fat. Blanch. Blanch. That should be her name. That’s her name. Yes. Madam Blanch. Yes. Where’s Madam Blanch from? She sounds like she’s from Downton Abbey, wherever the hell that’s from. All right, so now we need to sear this filet, so we’re gonna get some butter, sort of browning in a pan. Most people wouldn’t necessarily sear a steak in butter, because it is going to brown, but, we are doing it today. That pan is incredibly hot. So they have a ton of butter in everything, but- Ton of butter in everything. All these women had, like, waists that were 18 inches. Oh, they were just cinched. There was a diet in the 1800s, where Mark Twain was a part of it, he believed you should chew all your food, like 45 times. I’m just gonna go ahead and sear that filet off right there. And like, you would chew your food 45 times, that way it stacked more evenly and digested quicker. That’s probably a good idea, chewing it more. I don’t really do that. No, I- I kind of huff it . I eat like a duck. Can you hand me that ice bath? Oh dear, I hate cold water. Can you imagine being up to the neck? That would be horrible. That would be horrible. I can’t physically imagine what that would feel like. I’m just gonna let that hang out, and then we’re eventually gonna get that. Warm. Into the filet. Right now, we just want to wait for this to sear for about three minutes, then we’re gonna turn it and then we’re actually going to baste it in garlic and rosemary butter. Alright, so we have all that butter melting, and so, we’re just gonna add the garlic and the rosemary in there. Do you wanna spoon it? Yes. Fair, we’ll flip it around. I’ll tilt the pan for you. Okay, so where do I do it? Here’s what you gotta do. Just all over the top? Yeah, you’re gonna tilt the pan. Yeah, there you go. So get all that brown butter just basting on that rosemary. Oh man, that’s fun. This is gonna go on top of those Pommes Anna that we made earlier. That’s going to get sauce, it’s gonna get hit with the blanched artichokes, that we’re actually going to cook into some of that beef fat, as well. And then a little bit of green beans, that’s supposed to stave off death and colon cancer, which may have been a problem back then, but was not diagnosed. Wait, just death in general? Well, yeah, I feel like people back then, like they weren’t eating a lot of fresh vegetables. So They had green beans to stave off death. I think so. Well, that worked great. All right, so I’m gonna go ahead and take this filet, and I’m just gonna pop it in the oven, just for a couple minutes, just to finish it. So we have our Pommes Anna down on the plate, we’ve just cut that out with the ring mold, and now I’m going to take our filet. And just place that on top, and now I’m just gonna take some of those roasted artichokes, give them a nice home to live in. Oh, I like the way you said that. Yes, it’s a lovely little artichoke cook. Because, so many people don’t have a home to live in and they deserve it. I’m just gonna take a few green beans, place those on the outside. All right, so now, I’m actually going to take the sauce, I’m going to give it drizzle on the outside of the plate. I should’ve said this earlier, but you have a little bit of peanut butter in the corner of your mouth. I do. I was eating a lot of peanut butter before this. I’m a bad assistant. No, you’re doing great. I mean, you’re not typically asked to work very much, so. That’s true for both the people I’m playing. So you’re gonna take this ring mold, and you’re just gonna punch out a nice coin of that duck liver. Palm heel strike. Here we go. And now, I’m just gonna sort of unmold this from the outside. Ooh, that little sticky noise. Here, try some of that. I don’t know if you wanna- I don’t know, I’ve never had it before. Is it good? It’s really good, yeah. It’s better if you kind of mush it between your hands first. It’s a way to sort of warm up the duck fat and release it. Yes. Oh, it is really good. And, so we’re just gonna punch A little liver coin, right on top. Emily, this is the filet mignon lili. This is the classiest dish that you could have ordered in the first class cabin of the Titanic. Are you ready to eat it? I have a couple other first class surprises for you, as well. For me? Just for you. Oh my God. I’m excited. I actually have a table waiting for you in the first class dining cabin. Wow. Is she French? I don’t know. Blanch, here we are at your first class table. Thank you so much for inviting me into your world. So please, tell me what we have here. We’re going to start out with peaches and clotted cream. Gelatin was a common dessert in your era? Yes. This is actually a French liqueur that is gelatinized and served with. Mm, how are you feeling about the Chartreuse jelly? It’s very good. I’m getting a lot of that liquor taste. Yeah, it tastes like absinthe. Yes. Which my husband sold. I can imagine that he did. Where are we moving next? So now, it’s the caviar, it’s the fanciest of things. But of course. And we have egg bits in yellow and white. And then we have a mayonnaise. And those are red onions, I don’t eat those. No, that’s not fancy enough for you? I do not, so what are you doing? Oh, I’m so sorry, I thought you were supposed to touch with your fingers. You have to wait till I tell you that that’s the right thing. I apologize. So, you pick that up. Thank you, thank you. And then you put some of that, and then whatever you want on it. And then that’s how you eat it. Are you a big fan of caviar? Yes, I have no children of my own, but I will consume this fish’s children. I’ll cheers to that. Yes. You probably are very familiar with soup. Yes, it is a food of the common people. Yes, so that is soup with vegetables in it. It’s just a broth to kind of cleanse the pallette before you have more of the main course. Okay, well here, grab a spoonful. That is a very delicate, cleansing flavor. This is actually consommé olga, which is made with a stock of sturgeon bones. Sturgeon. Mm-hm. What is that? It is a very large fish, very expensive. Oh, I like it. It’s where a lot of caviar comes from. I like it. And now we have the oysters, which are an aphrodisiac. I like to save those for after supper. You don’t eat them now? No, because later on tonight, I’m going to have to see my husband; he’s a very ugly man. God speed. I’ll save mine for after dinner too. That is disgusting. Oh and lastly, the filet mignon. Filet mignon lili, I believe. Yes. Would you cut that for me, good sir? I absolutely, I would insist. Thank you. A lady must never cut her own steak. My husband usually puts them in very small bites and feeds them to me. I’m surprised your husband sees you at all. It sounds like you don’t have the greatest relationship. No! We have a great relationship, he’s just very ugly. It sounds like his money is mostly what you’re after. Well, that’s what I was going to say. That’s actually what matters, but we have fun. What do you do for fun? Throw rocks at peasants. I’m… That is a very large bite! My husband would never let me have this. I’m stealing your fork. Oh, you are very wild. Cheers! Cheers to the greatest voyage of our time. Oh, those lights. Okay. There’s so much flavor in there. That’s something. You want a green bean? Yeah, give me a green bean! Oh, I’m gonna eat some duck liver with that green bean, though. Oh yeah, I want a piece of that with the green bean. Mm, I see what the appeal was behind this food, right? It’s antiquated, it’s French, but boy, is it fancy and decadent and I’m into it. Me too. I think I’d die on a ship for this. Who’s dying? What do those lights keep doing? I don’t know. That steak is really freaking great though. And this is pretty cool. It’s like going back in time and having a piece of history that was happy, right before it wasn’t. Yeah, I mean, it totally is. It shows you like the class and the taste of the people at the time. I wonder if they let you have little doggy bags. I think the purse is probably the method. So Madam Blanch, if I may call you that. Yeah. Hang on. Does this- Yes? Does this satisfy your expectations as an aristocratic first class passenger on the Titanic? Well, yes, I think this suffices. That is literally the nicest thing Blanch has said to me all day, so thank you. And normally I would thank you for joining me, but, thank you for allowing me to join you on your last meal. It has truly been an incredible experience. What do you mean my last meal? Maybe my last meal with you? Yeah, yeah, about that. We are traveling back in time to 1955. That is the first year that Disneyland opened. And Walt Disney, who pretty much like, invented the modern theme park, thought that food should be just as much an attraction as all the rides. Oh, cool. It’s also like the only place I can walk around with a giant Turkey leg and not be bothered about it. Yeah, yeah, I like all the phallic foods at Disneyland. I only eat Turkey legs and I also don’t know what phalluses look like. No kidding. I was about to say, “Dang, Josh.” They had all these restaurants that were, like, themed after things. If you look at this map right here, this breaks down all the restaurants. They were all attached to brands, weirdly, so you had like the Carnation Dairy Hut, and they were all themed around things, so you had, like, the pirate themed, the Chicken Of The Sea tuna restaurant. You had Casa de Fritos, a Mexican restaurant. We’re gonna be making two dishes from there, but they also had like this Golden Horseshoe, it was like, this big steak and chop-house, to like reference the California gold rush. Nice. So, it was actually really cool, and there’s a lot of history going on inside Disneyland and a lot of food history itself. Oh cool, look, there’s that thing that Jeff Bezos did. Yeah. Jeff Bezos was actually there. That’s it, he was there. Yeah, yeah. He was the lizard person buried underneath Disneyland that would come out at night to eat the cats. He’s a lizard Highlander. All right Emily, you ready to get to it? Yeah, this is gonna be fun. I’m excited. You’re gonna dress up, I’m gonna cook. Yeah, I’m very excited. Just like old times. It’s good to be back. And here she is, Miss America! Time for my bath. No. No, no, please miss. It’s time for my bath. No, miss please, I don’t know. Time for my bath! I’m not here to bathe you! Ma’am, can you help me make the food from the opening menu at Disneyland? Do you know anything about that? Did you know I used to work as Snow White in Disneyland? You seem like you still do. You got the whole get up on. That’s the very nice of you. Tried to keep this up. How long have you been wearing this? It smells awful. Wearing what? I don’t know, they put it on me. Are you part of like, an unethical conservatorship? What is wrong? No, I live at Cedar Pines. Yeah. In Reno. I do love Reno. These people came and they put me in a van. I’m glad that you got in the van, ’cause right now we are making my favorite item from the opening menu at Disneyland. This is from the Chicken of the Sea Restaurant. It was an entire tuna themed restaurant. Wait, I used to work at Disneyland. Yes, I know, Blanch, I’m assuming your name is. No it’s Judith Bats. I’m sorry, Judith. I’m gonna open this can of tuna. Listen, I’m remembering something. I worked at the park, I was Snow White. I was one of the first ones. And that was one of Disney’s biggest movies that like opened the park, right? It was an important movie. I relate to it very much. In what way? My parents are dead and I love apples. That’s great. I like living in a small shack with seven people. LA living am I right? Got ’em. All right, so this is from the Chicken of the Sea Restaurant and we are using- They had a Chicken of the Sea restaurant? If you ever think that we sell out to brands, Walt Disney, in the opening Disneyland like restaurants, he sold every single restaurant to a major food brand. And the most insane one to me, was the Chicken of the Sea, Pirate Ship restaurant. It was shaped like a pirate ship, opened in 1955. Oh God, that’s so gross. This is like my least favorite. Why is it so pink? This is the cheapest tuna we could find. Oh God. So we’re making a hot tuna pie. You’re making a hot tuna pie? Oh, I’m covered in tuna juice. You know, can I just… No! I’m sorry. Start dumping everything into the tuna. So, they made a hot tuna pie. Everything? They also, the Chicken Sea Restaurant, they had tuna burgers. They had something called a dietetic tuna salad. Which for me is the funniest thing frozen in history. What is dietetic? Just like it’s the old school term for like, nutritionists. They were just like dieticians. They practiced dietetics. That sounds like Scientologists. It sounds like a prequel to dianetics. Exactly. Okay, so- So, there was no actual recipe for the hot tuna pie. We could not find a real recipe. What you’re gonna wanna do is put the entire can of it in there. Did you lose the metal in there? So we’re putting a whole can of cream mushroom soup, ’cause this is 1955, right? This is like space age food. This is like people were so excited at the prospect, just throw it wherever. People were so excited by like the new technology of canning. It was supposed to like release women from the shackles of domesticity, that they didn’t have to cook all the time. Boy, what a novel idea of how to do that. Yeah, I mean, right? Just gel in the mayonnaise. So, we’re adding, like, canned peas in there, we got canned tuna, we got canned cream mushroom soup, we’re adding a little bit of flour. Can you unwrap this dough? Just start rolling it out a little bit? This is cute. Yeah, this, it smells like cat food. Yeah, definitely- But we’re gonna make it hot. We’re gonna make it real hot. We’re gonna wrap in pastry dough. Oh, also smell this, we just got old eggs. No, I don’t know. Oh, it’s just old, I don’t mind. They put chopped hard boiled egg in everything at the Chicken of the Sea restaurant. They did, they also had, everything was deviled. Everything was deviled. Deviled ham, deviled eggs. I love that deviled is just, like, “We mixed it with mayonnaise and then shoved a little bit of paprika in there.” Or it’s like gelatin. But I guess that… What was with all the gelatin? Well, it was just like a new technology. That was just like, for funsies, they were like, “Holy crap we can-” But it was not! Lincoln had that gelatin thing that we made. You should totally watch that video. That’s true, but that was like natural gelatin. So this is packaged gelatin, ’cause they used to have to actually like, boil down bones to make gelatin. But now, they sell the little gelatin packets. That’s why there’s gelatin and mayonnaise and bananas in everything in the 50s, because like, tropical fruits were new, ’cause the US was just like out colonizing every island that they could find at this time. And annexing Hawaii and Puerto Rico and all this. And so, there were just all these like tropical fruits that people didn’t have access to. So, that’s why there’s like bananas wrapped in ham, covered in mayonnaise, ’cause they were just excited about it. Are you gonna tell me what to do with this? Oh, can you just like roll it out a little bit? Oh, okay. Sorry. Just like drop a little flour there, put that out, start rolling it. So, the gelatin became boxed instead of grinding bones? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess that was to make women free as well. That was to free the women. To free the women. As a woman, did it work? Yeah, No. Although when I eat the boxed gelatin, I feel free. You never feel more free. I feel free. All the like herbal essences, shampoo commercials. should’ve just been for boxed gelatin. Man, I miss those commercials. Just a lady, eating Jello in a shower. That’s what I wanna see. People aren’t allowed to get horny for shampoo anymore. You can get horny for jello though, I’ll tell you that. And it’s just a shame. I’m horny for jello. I’m horny for shampoo that smells like that. Speaking of smells, Disneyland must have had some great smells back in the day. There is a distinct theme park smell that is like, hot butt crack, like wet butt. That’s the people from Florida. No, it’s just like you sit on those water slides in Jorts. Yeah? Or in your like, you know? Lord knows I’m there. Here you stir the tuna. Thanks. I’m taking the dough. Is anything worse looking than this? Uh, no. try it, try a bite though, you just eat some. Absolutely not. Why not? Because I- This is the low carb dietetic. This is like… They just had like the wine and cigarette diets back then. This is like that, but with tuna. I’m not familiar with that. Just like, I just don’t do stuff I don’t want to do. But I feel like, working at Disneyland from the inception, you kind had to do a lot of things you didn’t wanna do. You had to, but once you get past a certain age, you don’t have to do anything you don’t wanna do. What’s that certain age that you have to get past? Other than get old and die. But you know, that’s neither here nor there. What? At what age do they like retire Disney princesses? ‘Cause like what was your job at the park? No, no, they’re still there. But like, did they… I mean, like is that a job that you can work for years and retire in? Oh, retire? When did I retire, is what you’re asking? Yes. Well, when I was 20 years old I played Snow white in 1955. How much money did you make? Money? Oh they did not, labor laws were tough back then, I suppose. I was paid in a handful of tuna casserole. They said, “Good work.” You got just, like, tuna war rations. I got a… No, you put it in your purse, you saved it for later. When I reached old age, at 25. Oh no, I am so sorry. They made me the queen. I was the queen, the evil queen. You are a spinster, I suppose they would’ve called you in- Yes. Yeah. I got to be the one after the transformation. Yeah? I had fought for the other one and they were like, ” Maybe not for you.” Sounds like you didn’t have a lot of power in your role. So children thought I was a witch. Yeah? I had a house that was black. It had a black roof and black windows. What that was just an aesthetic choice for you? You just- It had black walls. Do you know what color the bricks were? What color were they? They were black, you idiot. You had black bricks. Yeah, I didn’t know. I didn’t wanna assume. I thought you were gonna- I’m sitting here, trying to connect with you and you just won’t? I don’t know that we have much in common, I’m so sorry. I just don’t… This isn’t like… I’m not really hitting it off. You seem incredibly depressed and confused. I’m not depressed I just have a lot ailments. From all the canned tuna? Is it, I mean, all the lead-based paint we had? Sweetheart, sweetheart. It’s called called mortality. I don’t know. Do you think you’re gonna live forever, just ’cause the way your arms look? Thank you for that. I’m very flattered. I’m not interested, but I’m flattered. That’s looking great, yeah. You wanna just like fill these up. Oh god, people just… Everyone just smelling like log ride jorts and tuna. So was this in a restaurant or did people like, walk around with these? I assume people did walk around with them, ’cause they were serving mostly handheld foods. They also had a commemorative tuna salad that was served in a boat. Commemorative! You were supposed, literally… So, the way that you take like commemorative drink cups home, they had a commemorative tuna salad boat, that you were supposed to just eat wet tuna out of and then walk around with this wet tuna boat throughout the park- God! And everyone wore like suits to Disneyland, back in the day. So they’re just sweating through wool with just, tuna in their knapsack. Yeah. I want… That’s the era of Disneyland that I wanna go to. I bet the lines were a little easier though. The lines were definitely easier. But there was probably not very many rides. They had like mules through frontier land, where you could just go ride a mule and that was the ride. Wow! Again, that’s the Disneyland that I want. I gotta be honest- We gotta open up our own janky park, where it’s just like, uh. Oh! We painted a mule like a zebra, do you wanna ride it?” Have you seen… You gotta go on the internet, children, and look up theme park in the Netherlands. What? What is it? It terrifying! I don’t know. It’s just like animatronics are just terrifying?? I love animatronics. I know someone that’s definitely afraid of animatronics. I love them. I am terrified of them. No, no, no, no. Especially the ones in the water. There’s a name for it, I don’t remember it. Like, if you’re under water, and then you just happen to see like a dragons head? Yeah, I’m fine with that. I’d die. I would die! No, no, no, I’m fine with that. I like the animatronics, ’cause I can control them. What if you saw- It’s not like the Boston Dynamics robots, where I’m incredibly afraid. I’m not afraid of those. It’s not cute when they dance! I’m not afraid of those, they fall over for no reason. They are not good. But then they’re like, back flipping over obstacles. Yeah, while we’re making fun of Jeff Bezos for wasting money, let’s make fun of Boston Dynamics too. If I see any robot delivering food, I’m kicking it into the street. Yeah. I don’t care what you order. I agree. I don’t care if you haven’t… Like if you had a hard day at work, I’m kicking it in the streets. And I’m taking your Little Caesars crazy bread, god dang it. Yes! It’s like, it’s just asking for it. It’s begging to be messed with, right? Alright, I’m gonna cut a little vent hole. We got these hot tuna pies ready to go. We got all the cream of mushroom soup. We got all the cheese in there. Then, I’m gonna pop these in the oven. Alright, then we can eat our hot tuna pies. Okay, that sounds good. Judy, how’s your arthritis doing today? Oh, okay, are we doing it on a scale of the frowny face all the way to the happy face? Yeah. It’s the one in the middle that’s like, “Why won’t I die?” God, you sound like my grandma, except she’s Jewish, so she’s just- Would you like a candy? Yeah, kinda, actually. I’ll never, oh God, you actually have it. How old is this? This isn’t supposed to be a hard candy. This is a soft candy that’s turned hard in your purse. Well, it was my grandmother’s candy. She had this watermelon candy in her house. No! And then, it’s not… It’s not her. Yeah, I plucked it from her dead hands, at the funeral, Josh. No, I bought it online and they still make it and it’s good. So, you’re welcome. Thank you so much. Can you pour that water into the here? Okay. So right now, we are making what was called a taco in a at-cup. that is a portmanteau of taco and cup. This is at the Casa de Frito’s restaurant in Frontier Land. It was literally… Again, Walt Disney sold every single restaurant at Disneyland to a major food manufacturer, and Fritos at the time, was about a 23 year old company. It was founded by C.E. Doolan in 1932. And so they had.. Doolan. You like that one? That’s a funny name. Emily, can you put the water in the moss and mix it up? I’m gonna make the beef. Wait. I’m waiting. I have to prepare my purse! I’m gonna cook. You do what you’re gonna do, I’m gonna cook, I’m getting the beef working. So we’re making what Disneyland sort of thought Mexican food was in 1955. Water in that? Water in that? Pour it in that and then mix it aggressively with the pork. So, right now this is just water, it’s masa. Oh god! You’re getting oil and water on the fryer. No! You said aggressively. All right, so this is like… A lot of people will credit Casa de Fritos at Disneyland for kind of inventing the taco salad. It was called a taco in a tacup. There’s an actual original mold for the tacup design in like, the Smithsonian Museum, I believe. I did a bad job. Just mash it, mash it with your hands. Go in with your hands. Here, roll up your sleeves. Okay. I won’t, I’m not gonna bathe you, but I’ll roll up your sleeves. Ow! Don’t sue. The wrists are the worst part. Is it raining? Are you one of those, you can feel the weather in your bones? No, I just used my wrists a lot at my job. Doing what? Doing what? What do you use your wrists for? Are you sure you got retired from your job when you were 25 because of your age? Or you were just… I didn’t get retired, I got demoted to witch. Did they cut your tuna rations in your purse when you got demoted? No, I still got the same tuna. They were very generous. Oh, good for them. Equitable wages at early Disneyland. Yes, they fed us well. We got the beef sautéing, I’ve just seasoned it with salt and pepper ’cause I assumed what Disneyland thought were Mexican spices in the 1950s wasn’t exactly where we’re at today. I’m also taking some very, just kind of corn syrupy taco sauce. Taco sauce, the history’s really interesting. It’s kind of before people in America, well, white people in America, knew what salsa was. They kind of created a hybrid of ketchup and hot sauce and called it taco sauce. What am I doing? It’s so hard sometimes to figure out what to do, when you just talk about… Hold on, hold on. Conspiracy theories for like 10 minutes, and I just like touch things. Well, we’re gonna add a little bit more water, get this masa a little bit more hydrated. Yeah, that’s dry. There you go. Now, mash that aggressively. Yeah, yeah. There you go, there you go. I’m gonna stir this around. So, yeah, like I was saying… Here we go, here we go! No, this is really cool, because they would take the masa and they literally put it into tart shells and then they clamp the tart shells with like a stick thing. What! And then they deep fried it, and so this, when you get like the big tostada salads, from like the El Pollo Loco, that’s like, this is the precursor to that. Which I think is really cool, but they actually didn’t make their own taco shells in there. That was from a company called Alex Foods, now known as Don Miguel Foods. And so like they were getting pretty much everything else except for this, this is the only thing that like, Casa de Frito sort of invented for themselves. And then in like the 1970’s, Doritos were invented because a salesman from Don Miguel Foods- Smells really good! Smells good, yes. Yeah! Three ingredients. A sales rep literally came into Casa de Frito, saw they were throwing away old tortillas, and they were like, “You can just fry those up and just put some seasonings on them.” And that was the origin of Doritos. Oh wow! Which is crazy. So yeah, without Casa de Fritos and Frontier land of Disney, you wouldn’t have Doritos and you would never have the tacup. Hell yeah! An enduring name that everybody remembers. This kind of looks like what Ted Kennedy got that girl out of the car and the bottom of the pond with. Were you there? Maybe. I’m gonna take some masa and I’m gonna pop it in the bottom of this here tart shell. What kind of oil are you using for this? I always ask oil questions now. You always ask, it’s always the same oil. It’s just like normal. You gave me, you complimented me that one time, and now that’s the only question I ask. I just like to talk about your various ailments in character. Okay, well, we could talk about what I’m probably gonna get. How’s your dental health? Oh no! Are those your teeth? Which of those teeth are yours? Oh, that’s a tough question. Currently, and in the character. Oh yeah, that’s right. Oh, we both talked about dentures. Oh no, I just got my first crown. Hey, Mazel, that’s exciting! No, it’s not. I mean it’s, it’s just only downhill from here. Sometimes I think about dentures and I’m like- It’d be nice? No, it wouldn’t be nice, but it would at least be one less thing to worry about. I agree with that. I’m trying to get dentures when I’m like 35. When you’re 35? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just get it real early. Oh you mean my age? Okay, okay, oh, hold on, hold on, hold on. All right, our expertly spiced taco meat is done. Now here, let me actually, sorry. So we’re using both of these for the creation of one. So what they would do, is they would mold all the Fritos masa dough into this tart shell. They would take another tart shell and pop it on top. And then we’re gonna clamp it. I assume you want me to do this one ’cause we’re gonna clamp this one and then just dunk it in the fryer. That’s a very intimidating looking thing. Yeah, I don’t even understand, but this is literally… You can see the picture of this. It’s in a freaking museum. The original tool. Oh actually, I’ve had an exam with something similar. I’ve never done this before but we’re just gonna… Don’t lean your face over. Don’t leave your face over. Oh okay. ‘Cause if you get hit, it’s like that lady with the McDonald’s coffee, like, you’re done. Oh yeah. You’re destroyed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. All right, give it, give it like a solid 30 seconds. Give it solid 30 seconds, don’t lean over. Don’t breathe, just go smell the taco meat if you want. I’m gonna go- Smells nice. Go smell the taco meat? It smells like school lunch, the taco meat. They had a lot of cool stuff at Case de Fritos, they served like tamales, they had combo plates, and then they also had Frito pie, which is really cool. Ooh. Because like chili, and Walt Disney’s favorite food was chili. When he would travel to Europe, he would bring his own canned chili. The weirdest thing, is that it wasn’t one brand of canned chili. He would take one can of Dennison’s Chili, mix it with a can of Hormel Chili, like a master sommelier blending wine varietals, and that was Walt Disney’s favorite meal. Do you know, you said chili so many times that it reminded me of when an old lady goes into a tangent and just repeats the things she remembers? I had a silver serving tray, and a pewter silving tray, and then a plastic serving tray. And then she’ll start over at- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m leaving the silver one to my niece Bernice. It’s like a dentist named Dennis. They just start repeating the same things. All right, so we got that out, now I’m just gonna, there we go. Don’t burn yourself. Wow. So now we got a little fried tacup. That’s so cute! Look at that! All right, so we’re gonna do that a couple more times, then we’re gonna fill it with the beef, and then we got a couple more little Casa de Fritos accoutrements to pop in there. Okay, cool. All right, Judy! What? We gotta fill up our little tacups here. So I’m gonna go with the hot stuff, I’m gonna go in with a little bit of beans first, that’s a lot of beans first. Going in with a little bit of beans first, I’m gonna hit with beef, then cheese, and you’re gonna do the lettuce, sour cream and tomatoes. Emily, the person inside the Judith, What? What’s up? Do you like Disneyland? Like do you go often? I do not. I’m more of a Disneyworld kind of girl. I hope that’s okay. Oh. ‘Cause it’s like, I don’t know. That’s one I went to as a kid. But my, my Papaw… Of course you have a Papaw. I had a Mimi and a Papaw, and Papaw had Crohn’s disease. So then we kind of went to the front. That’s the way to do it. Because he had the handicap pass. Find yourself a Papaw with Crohn’s disease. Just hang out with your grandparents more. You should just do it. That too, that too. But yeah, no, he would get us to the front and then he wouldn’t get on the ride. I always thought I hated Disneyland, and then I went there as an adult and then I found out that, if there is a corresponding craft beer festival, and you drink a couple of those corresponding craft beers, then you have a really great time at Disneyland. I don’t think I would do Disneyland sober. No, no, no, but like as an adult going, getting like, just like a little bit, a little bit schwastey. I got a, mini mouse ears that I got customized with my Hebrew name Yeshua on it. And now I wear that as a yamaka. Aw, that’s cute! Is that sacrilegious? I’m the wrong one to ask. Judy, we’ve got our tacups from Casa de Fritos in Frontier Land. Oh, they’re very cute. They’re very cute. You wanna put these in your purse? This is a Christmas bonus. If I had known we were gonna do this bit, I would’ve gotten an uglier purse. There’s not a lot of distance from here to there. Can we just take them and eat them over there? Let’s do it, and I got a couple of other special things from Disneyland’s opening menu that we’re also gonna eat. Oh really? Yeah! Do you have any things that don’t agree with your stomach? Probably, but I ignore them and just keep living. Judy, I hope this reminds you of your time in the park when it was open. We got our tuna pies, we’ve got the tacups, we have our little commemorative tuna boat salad, you can take that home for the grandkids. My payment! Yes, yes, your Christmas bonus. We also have the Matterhorn sundaes, this is from the Coronation restaurant. But then also, most of the food at Disneyland was just like, ham sandwiches. So we got some of that. Ooh. A little bit of Frito pie. But first, let’s dig into these tacups right here. Cheers to your many years of service. Very nice to meet you. Don’t make me go back to the place where I came from please. This is an absolute delight. This is gonna get stuck in the roof of my dentures, but it’s worth it. I would love to just walk around Disney end eating this. I’d love to eat this at a Superbowl party. I would eat this literally anywhere. This is truly a fantastic food. Mm, wash it down with your exotic fruit juice from Tahiti, ’cause this is also a thing they had at Disneyland. They were obsessed with Tahiti and so, cheers. Cheers. Get some fruit juice with ya. Strong. Wow! I haven’t a tasted real sugar in a very long time. Let’s dig into these tuna pies. I’m gonna take it outta the shell. You do smell the tuna through the crust. I can’t smell much anymore. Eat your tuna pie. That’ll make the pain go away. Ooh! Yeah. Yeah, it’s pretty good. This tastes like a just out of the great depression food. This is really good. The salty cream of mushroom soup in the can, they knew how to live back in the 1950s. A lot of bad stuff as well, but man, the hot tuna pie, we can keep that. Throw a lot of the other cultural institutions away though. Yeah, there were a few things back then that probably weren’t great. Alright, let’s try some of this. So, this is a tuna boat salad, tuna salad, but here, you get to take a little commemorative boat home. Look at that. That’s adorable. Isn’t it? I’m not eating it cold. Mm, that Chicken Of The Sea. Dig into the Matterhorn sundae though? Wow, this is beautiful. So this is from Carnation, the dairy company. They sponsored this big ice cream house. So they have this massive Matterhorn sundae, that looks really freaking delicious. Mm, what a lovely dessert. What a lovely meal. Judy, thank you so much for helping me recreate the foods of what seemed to be a very traumatic time in your life. I had a very good time. I brought you a present also. Everyone should have more candy. Oh gosh, thank you. Wow. You! No, we don’t throw candy at the children. We throw it to the children. Hang on, you! I can’t throw! That’s very sweet, Judy. I can’t throw very good. The kids are having a great time. Because of my arthritis. This is a present for you. Oh! It’s my favorite snack. Oh, thank you so much. Just an inconspicuous apple, huh? Yes, I’d like to watch you eat it. Why? `- Everyone has their thing. I hear that kink shaming isn’t allowed anymore. Maybe you should take a cue from the children. The apple tastes a little funny. Yeah. Kind of bitter. It’s a special apple. Why do I feel so funny, Miss? Oh no, that was for me. Lord, why won’t you take me? Today we are blasting off to July 20th, 1969. Nice! For an intergalactic moon meal, enjoyed by astronauts Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins, in the Apollo 11 mission that made the United States the first country to touch down on the moon. Now, do I think that the space race was a glorified pissing contest between the Soviet and American governments? Sure, but still really cool. And the food seems really awesome. So are we gonna make, like, Dip ‘n’ Dots? You know, the ones that you get at the mall? No, we are making the day five breakfast from the mission, which consisted of bacon squares, sugar cookie squares, pineapple peach drink, and freeze dried peaches. Though technically the first food eaten on the moon was Buzz Aldrin’s communion wafers. However, this was the first full meal. Ah, okay, cool. This sounds really, really good. Lots of cubes, lots of cubes. We got a lot of cubes. We got a lot of freeze drying. We got a lot of weird chemicals going on. All right Emily, you know the drill by now. I’ll make the the food, you dress up as a… And she’s already getting changed. I just assumed you were gonna be Neil Armstrong, but what is this, Sally Ride? No, I’m not Sally Ride. I am Valentina Tereshkova. But Sally Ride is the first woman in space. No, silly American. I was first woman. I was also first woman to do it in a solo trip in space. All by myself, I don’t need you. You don’t need no man! I don’t need anyone. Well, do you need some space bacon? The Russian thing is throwing me, but I guess I’m excited to show you a big piece of American culture, which is bacon. What is space bacon? So space bacon, I’m really glad you asked, I’m obviously no scientist, I didn’t even graduate from college. I imagine you probably went to some sort of like Russian cosmonaut school. My God, do you always talk this fast? Yes! You talk, talk, talk, you say nothing. Say nothing at all. I don’t like that. This is bacon. I don’t like that Emily’s actually dragging me. Bacon, we’re making bacon. We’re making space bacon. Space bacon. Bacon is an American product. It’s pork that has been cured with sugar and salt and then smoked, and then… Sugar and salt? You have both in your country, you have both sugar and salt? So what we’re gonna do, to try and mimic what you might do to make space food, is we’re gonna add sugar and salt to this ground pork. Means it’s gonna be a lot leaner, so there’s gonna be less fat to take up space because we needed the astronauts to actually have nutrient rich foods. So we’re gonna get some lean pork in here. Nutrients. In Russia you don’t have nutrients? In Russia, nutrients has you. You were gonna get to Yakov Smirnoff eventually, I’m glad it happened in the first two minutes. I’m gonna Yakov Smirnoff all over this table. Please don’t Yakov on my table. All right. I’m taking some of this ground pork and I’m gonna add a lot of salt to it because salt is a natural preservative, right? So we’re gonna eventually freeze dry this food and then we’re gonna vacuum seal it, to try and get all bacteria out, ’cause like, this stuff had to last for a long time. And then I’m gonna add a ton of sugar to this, because sugar is also a preservative. So citric acid is another preservative. Citric acid? Yeah, yeah. It’s gonna be a little bit sour. I feel like all the food up there is a little bit sour, It’s citric acid, but then we got some other cool stuff. We got xanthan gum. Okay! Hell yeah. Hell yeah, xanthan gum. Is it from a gum tree with a kookaburra in it? I have no idea where xanthan gum comes from, but I do know if that is a huge industrial thickening agent and binding agent. Okay. So the goal is to try and like really bind all of the starches and fats together so that there’s no moisture like, leeching outta this. This is all American space food, right? Like, we had a bunch of like shrink wrap bacon bars. Everything was made into cubes. We’re adding maltodextrin in there as well. What about Russian food? I’m not weak, I don’t need food. We have tubes. You have tubes? Is that how you say it with an accent? Tubes. We have tubes. Pink. Pink, your food is pink tube? That’s borscht. Is that actually a borscht tube? Sometimes. Sometimes it’s little mouse you find. All right, so I’m taking… Oh, and sometimes brown! Is the brown your favorite or like, what? I think it’s, yeah, I like the brown. Are you sure the brown isn’t the waste tube? Ooh, that’s good question. I’m gonna add a little bit of what’s called Ultratex3, which totally sounds like a robot that would be in space. Sounds like some Wally food. But, this is just a modified food starch that does really well with swelling, which means that it’s going to absorb a ton of moisture and it’ll also do it at a cold temperature, which I want this to get really kind of like, thick and gummy right now. So that way when we like blend it and bake it, hopefully none of that fat leaks out. It smells like barbecue sauce in here. That’s the liquid smoke! In the American space program, they wanted to remind the astronauts of home and stuff, that’s why bacon was like a big part of it. Because it’s such an American thing, but then now, NASA doesn’t have bacon in the space program anymore. They only have sausage, and we haven’t been to the moon in years! No, you have not. But really, you didn’t even go to the moon. Oh no, oh no. You’re one of them, huh? You went to a place where this man named Stanley. Stanley. Stanley. You were referring to- Stanley Kubrick. Director Stanley Kubrick. Yes. You’re saying the moon landing was faked? That man who made Shining, which is comedy in my country. So I’m gonna take this, this is looking pretty good, Aye, this looks like pink tube! So now I’m gonna take some of this cooked bacon, ’cause I want that real bacon texture and flavor in there. But not to be bound by the pork, and I especially want this to become a solid cube. So we’re just gonna massage the bacon in there. Valentina, do you wanna, you wanna start getting your hands dirty with some bacon? I feel like Russian women getting their hands dirty is a big thing. That is true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. How does that feel? It feels cold and satisfying. Yeah. Doesn’t it? Alright, that’s looking pretty good. Once that’s worked in, what we’re gonna do is we’re gonna take that and we’re just gonna put it on a silicon mat and then we’re gonna cook it and then after we cook it, we gotta freeze dry it. Okay, I’m very excited ’cause you keep saying freeze dry as if I know what it means, I asked what it means. What freeze drying is, is a typical dehydration process. Like, if you’re doing it with beef jerky, you’re using heat to get the moisture out, right? With freeze drying, you’re using cold to get moisture out. So you need to drop the food to such a low temperature that the water inside doesn’t turn to ice but actually sublimes and turns to gas. Sublimes? Are we gonna practice Santeria? We’re gonna be every, just a-hole kid from my high school who wore that t-shirt. Yeah, it was a cool t-shirt though. It’s a bummer. Yeah… It’s bummer that.. Now we know that Emily was that a-hole kid from my high school. I didn’t have it. I had the many deaths of Kenny. Oh yeah, uh-huh. The shirt. Yeah. I had that shirt too. I had, like, the Homer Simpson one with the duff beer on it and then I got suspended. You got suspended for that? Ah, not suspended, like, a detention. I got almost suspended for bringing a knife. Hey-oh! But the thing is- Is this the Russian character? Or is this just the- No, it’s just me. The Tennessee character. But the thing is, I told on myself, because I had a camping trip and then I realized I brought the knife in the backpack and then I went, “I have a knife!” And then they were like, “You gotta go to the office now.” Oh my god. And I was like, “aw man!” And then I went there, my dad came to pick me up and they were like, “Because she told us it’ll be fine but we’re gonna have to melt your knife down.” What? And my dad was like, “What?” What! And they were like, “yeah, we gotta melt it down.” He’s like, “you got a knife melter?” We’ve had the same textbooks since 1965, but you got a knife melter, okay. Emily this explains so much about your origin story. I didn’t get suspended so that’s cool. I’m gonna take the space bacon. I’m gonna put it in the oven until it’s cooked, and then we’re gonna cut it into some cubes. Space bacon, we have it. Yup. It’s here now. It’s here, tt is a solid brick. This is what you would call in measurement, a pud. You got pud of space bacon. We need a pud of space bacon. So I’m gonna take this and I’m just gonna trim it into cubes, because that is how it was served on the Apollo 11 mission. So you see we got like the striations of actual bacon in there, which I think is very, very cool. Why does it have to be cubes? Because it stacks. It stacks. The spaceship is small, it’s like living in a studio apartment in Brooklyn, New Yorkers! I’ve never been in New York. Burgers stack and they’re circles. But there’s, it’s, it’s squares. There’s no space burgers, actually there probably were space burgers. This is what, like 14 ounces of pure meat. That’s like, what, you know, 80 grams of protein that can be packed into like four square inches. Do you think when they eat their space food, they go like this with all their food, and they go. They do, they do, I’ve seen videos. Om nom nom, like that? And the bah dah dah dah dah, dah dah. Yeah, let’s see what it does in our gravity when we’re done with this. Almost. Ah, that’s so hard. Valnetina, welcome back. You sound like little girl crying for mother. Terrible, terrible accent. I’ll stop doing the Russian accent, I’m sorry. I hate it, ugh. So we, we gotta make the sugar cookie squares, so that was a big part of this. Again, like I said, you know the astronauts, they wanted to be reminded of home, what is more comforting than a lovely sugar cookie. But we got a couple little space tricks up our sleeve to make this safe for space. Make it safe for space? I don’t know like… What does that mean? Cookies can combust? No, we got things like, we want to decrease the amount of moisture in these cookies, ’cause again, we’re gonna be freeze drying it and vacuum sealing it, trying to get all that air out, and so we’re not gonna be adding egg to it, instead what we have is egg white powder. And we’re also gonna be adding a couple other binding agents into this, that should really let that moisture just sort of dissipate out of that in the freeze-drying process. So we’re just gonna add sugar to Crisco instead of using butter, because butter does have a certain amount of water content in it. Okay. I’m just gonna use Crisco, which is a straight hydrolyzed fats. One of the most interesting things about the food in space is that it doesn’t taste the same that it would at normal gravity, because it experiences something called fluid shift. When you’re in space, literally like your sense of balance and your entire brain chemistry gets messed with because you’re in zero gravity and the fluids are literally shifting around differently. It affects your smell and taste. Do you want to know something else? I do. Cosmonauts, we’re called cosmonauts. I knew that one. You all like to put the word ass in things. Astronauts. Your eyeballs change shape. What? Because of the pressure in your brain, your brain, it changes the shape of eyeball. Is that true? Yeah. That’s also a random disturbing fact that I put on the wheel for Good Mythical Morning, and I’m gonna have to tell them to take it off ’cause I spoiled it. Crossover, baby, that’s how we tell the true fans. I’m gonna have to write new things. All right, so we have all that fat creamed into sugar and then I’m gonna add, this is malted milk powder. Malted milk comes from fermented barley that they then put in dehydrated milk. And this was a huge thing that like, the British government would serve the troops ’cause it was considered very, very nutritious, and I also think it’s really delicious baked goods. So I’m just gonna dump that with all the flour in there. I’m gonna do half right now actually, and then we’ll add the rest later. And then this, powdered egg whites, 2,500 calories of nutritionally balanced food is what NASA space program is based on. And so what’s more protein gonna do for you? We’re gonna add some salt, little bit of vanilla extract, and then, can you finger that out? This is soy lecithin. So, soy lecithin is an emulsifier. Don’t be shy now. I finger… Get it off. I finger your American food. Finger my American food. I finger your American food! This is like, I’m gonna have to rub my finger around in… Yeah, kind of get it in the goo. Do you want me to turn on while your fingers in there? No! No, that way it’ll get it, it’ll disperse it. I don’t want it, Josh! Come on! Josh. Valentina! What was that accent? I feel like this is the only other Russian name that I’ve heard, other than Oxana. Nina. Nina Sergeevna. That’s the character from “The Americans.” I’ve watched “The Americans” three times through, season two of “The Americans,” best season of any show on TV. My parents keep saying to watch it, which is precisely why I don’t. We’re gonna add some more flower in there. We wanna beat some air into it. Oh, vinegar! We got a little bit of vinegar as well. So one, vinegar is going to decrease the amount of moisture in this ’cause it’s gonna make air evaporate faster, but not only that, the acidic acid is also a preservative. All right, so this is looking good. Yeah. Unhook it. That’s my next career move, right? Revamping the space food program. I already know all the science. None of it’s real. I don’t want anyone from NASA to watch this episode at all. They’d just be like, yeah- I hope that no Russians watch this episode. No, we’re gonna lose all of our Russian fans. I like all of you, I’m sorry. How do you say, someone look up ‘I love you’ in Russian. What? Nicole just pulled that out. Nicole just knew it. Hey, Nicole, I’m gonna move my mouth and then you say it again. Hang on. Love that. All right, so you have the sugar cookie dough, We need to mound this into a square. You wanna do that? Everything gotta be square, y’all. Everything has to be square ’cause it all has to stack. Wouldn’t it be great if I just came out here and I was like, what up? I’m from Russia, y’all. I’d dig on Russian food. I didn’t understand vodka until I went to my first Russian restaurant and then I was like, oh, you gotta drink nine shots of it. But then it’s good. If you ever watch the movie Eastern Promises, It’s like they, oh so good. Viggo Mortensen . They drink a lot of vodka and the accent, plus the visual of it, just looks like vodka tastes better with a Russian accent. All right, so we got this padded out. This is gonna spread a little bit. We still want some height on it ’cause we want it to be about the same size as the bacon bars. There’s a hole. Finger the hole. There’s a hole in the bottom of the spaceship. We’re gonna pop that in. I feel like every time we do something successfully, we should be like a Russian gymnast and just be like. Smile. Big teeth, big teeth. Valentina, now we got to start the freeze drying process. As you see, this is not as high tech as NASA would probably do it, but we’re doing, I feel like Emily can speak to this one on the kind of hillbilly-fication of, not that I’m… You know what I’m saying. I know, it’s okay. You can’t offend me about stuff like that. It’s like people who like fill up a trash can with oil and then just put a propane burner underneath and deep fry a turkey. You can do that. Don’t do that at home. That is new information for me but- It’s fun! So this is our, like, low budget method of freeze drying. So freeze drying is typically done in a big machine for cryodesiccation or whatever, but you can achieve the same results, according to the internet at large, we’ll see what actually happens, using dry ice. What’s gonna happen is we’re gonna layer this food. It’s completely packed with dry ice. And dry ice is so cold that it’s gonna turn the water that’s inside the food, directly into gas. That’s going to sublimate, instead of freeze out of the food. And then we unpack it, and we vacuum seal it, and then we eat it, and then we go to space, or Stanley Kubrick directs a film and all I’m saying is there’s ice walls around it. So the food’s gonna fart in there? The food’s gonna fart in there, yes. That’s what I call it. I’m like, I didn’t fart I sublimed. I may have sublimed out of my anus. Okay so, peaches. Okay. Millions of peaches. Peaches for free or whatever. I don’t know that song, Nicole’s been playing it. So, you’re gonna take those peaches and kind of like place them around dry ice. Don’t touch dry ice because dry ice can like burn you or something. My eighth grade science teacher told me that. You remember eighth grade science? Yeah, Mrs. Batten. She was cool. She lit her desk on fire with like a fire chemical the first day. Oh, it’s already smoking. Whoa! All right, so now we got that there, I’m gonna throw some more dry ice on it. So like the American Space Program, right? Like we were freeze drying a lot of stuff. We were vacuum sealing a lot of stuff, it sounds like the Russian space program went for the tubifying method. We don’t need much. And this is why we got there first. But we got to the moon first, and that’s the important… Oh, we got to the moon. Yeah, that’s, no, that was the whole thing, right? What’d you find there? Did you find anything good? Yeah! Did you find dirt? Yeah, there was like, there was moon dirt. There was some… We played golf on it. What are you? You can’t play ice hockey on the moon. You played a sport that you did not even originate. You played sport that other people made. Yeah, but… You made so many sports… We had John Daly, Arnold Palmer, invented iced tea and lemonade. And he was a golfer, that’s important. What a genius. All right, Valentina, throw some space bacon in there. So that’s the ones that just now look like blondies, but I can assure you are bacon. The idea is we’re just gonna layer all this stuff. Do a noise like it’s falling into a forever abyss. Ahhhh. That sucked. I didn’t know what noise we were talking about. Hang on. Woooo. All right, do it again. If I was falling in a forever abyss that’s what it would be. I don’t wanna bury these cookies completely. I’m gonna be very gentle. Be very gentle. Place them so they don’t break. Be gentle like a dainty American woman. Not like the big tough Russian women. No, I didn’t mean you’re big, I just… I wasn’t trying to insult you, Valentina. I can be very, very delicate. Very delicate, like a flower? Very delicate? No. It’s a delicate face you got there. It’s a delicate little grunt. Move. I’m so sorry. Yeah, I’m just gonna be over here. I’m chilling, if you need my, you don’t need help. Delicate. Delicate. Shush! Okay. I do real delicate. You guys, I’m inhaling so much of this. It’s bad. I think it’s fine, right? We have our protective gear on. We sure do. All right. This is pretty good. I’m gonna, Ha! Give me 10 or I crush you. Okay, so we have everything packed in dry ice. We’re just gonna pop a lid on this and keep it cracked, because we don’t wanna seal it ’cause that, in theory, is how you make a bomb ’cause all these gasses are gonna pressurize and then we’re gonna leave this for a couple days until all the dry ice is pretty much gone or mostly gone. Then we’re gonna take it out and we’re gonna vacuum seal it and then we get to eat it and it’s probably… It’s gonna be something. American make bomb. Real original, hey? Oh you make little bomb, America? Oh. We did that first too. Really. Traditional Russian dance. Are we rolling? We are rolling. Oh no. Oh God, oh God. No, no, no. Go back, go back. Tina, can I call you Tina? Absolutely not. Okay. So, we gotta vacuum seal this food. It’s freeze dried. You can see it. It’s a peach… Thought it was actually gonna shatter. We gotta vacuum seal and take all of the air out of that. Like every American, when they walk into a room, just suck the air out of everything. A lot of anti-American sentiment, hey? Yeah, we have fun. How did you end up being chosen to be the first woman in space? It’s a heck of an honor. Well, as a child I wanted adventure and travel and I wanted to be train driver. She said train driver in every interview. Do you wanna be a train driver? I’m like, that’s a conductor. Okay. Anyways, I wanted to travel, but now I drive train in space, yeah. I guess it’s kinda like a train in space. I also love skydiving. Did you skydive, like back in the day? Yes. I feel like it’s dangerous. At night I train. I did not… I do sneak around, did not tell my family. No. What is this? So this is a vacuum sealer. So this is taking all of the air out, so air is what can cause bacteria to come in. So we’re gonna seal this off, and then that should be good to go in space, should be freeze dried. Feeling pretty hard. The noise sound like cow out for slaughter. Yeah, I feel like there’s a lot of Russian cows being slaughtered. One of my favorite sounds. What? Did you serve in the army? Like do you have that background? Well I, yes, in the, uh… Did you kill a man? I’m sorry, I shouldn’t ask, shouldn’t ask, shouldn’t ask. No, no. We don’t talk about it. No, no, no, no, no. Let me tell you something. I hid things from my family. They did not know I was going into space. How did you hide going into space from your family? Its simple. I did not talk to them. We’re not like Americans. We don’t need to say I love you. I love you. I’m American, I love you. We don’t say it like that. We don’t sound like that. You sound like a cartoon. Okay, you sound like this, I love you. See, that’s pretty good though, I like that one. I love you. I’m American. I’m Mandy Moore. I love you. What is that, “Walk to Remember?” Da. Da. It’s the “Walk to Remember.” Vacuum sealing up these cookies. Did you get American films and TV shows in Russia? Some. Which ones? What are your faves? “A Walk to Remember.” That was number one? I just said French, I said, remember. It’s hard sometimes to keep remembering how to do this accent. Oh, Paul Blart “Mall Cop.” Kevin James, Paul Blart. That’s Russian humor. Fat man. Silly mustache. Now that’s something we can all agree on. Yes. Would you go skydiving, Josh? No, no, no, no. Absolutely not. Me neither. No, no point! What’s up there that you can’t find down here? I don’t know. Nothing. Count me outta that. Nope. All right, one more, one more. Vacuum seal it up. Look at that, this looks expensive. So cool! So expensive. This is pretty cool. I’m pretty excited about this. The space is looking the real frosty right now. You feel it? I mean it is absolutely rock hard. We’re gonna let this defrost, cause again, it’s gonna be in like a multiple day trip in space. So, I guess we’re just gonna let it hang out in a Burbank Burger King parking lot for a couple days. Valentina. What? I’m gonna take you on a trip. Oh, what? I’m gonna take you on a trip to the moon. I usually fly solo, but for this I guess I will eat with you. Uh, thank you, in Russian, I don’t know how to say it. Prego. Valentina, thank you so much for joining me on the moon. Oh, this is not moon. This is movie set. Look at the… Stanley. There is Stanley here. Stanley Cooper’s not here. Show yourself, Stanley. Okay, calm down, calm down. You know what, fine. Let’s just get into this space bacon. I’m really excited about it. Are you excited about this? As excited as I can get the best anything. This is my level of excitement. Here’s me not excited. Yeah? Here’s me, medium. Similar. Here’s me very excited. Oh. A woman of very complex emotion. So take this space bacon. I mean, feel it out. It’s definitely like lost a lot of moisture. It smells like bacon. Yes. Let’s see if it tastes like bacon. Ooh. See. I like it. It tastes like a prefab, like, bacon jerky product, that you would get. Yeah- You see how dense the meat is! I like it. It’s packed thick, but it reeks of bacon essence. It’s spongy. It’s so spongy. That’s all the and all that foodstuffs. I’m impressed with what we did. Yeah. All right, well hey, we got some coffee too. This is commonly served- Oh cool, is it hot? Ooh. They just served a lot of instant coffee in space. You need to keep your energy up in space. It’s boredom there, not a lot to do. Ah, tastes like space-coffee. It’s like watery but also sharp. I love instant espresso. It’s actually been sitting in our drawer for the last two and a half years. We’ve had, like, powdered milk this whole time? We didn’t wanna use any of it for the coffee? No, we’re drinking it black! That’s true. This is a pineapple, peach drink. Valentina would drink it black. She’s a bitter woman, who likes a bitter coffee. And why is this hot? It’s confusing. Nicole, why’s it so hot? Oh, it’s been sitting under the lights. That is like somebody- Oh yeah! Melted a sweet tart- To pop in the mouth. Dang, was this in any way, good for you? They just needed calories, right? They need calories in small packages. which is how you end up with dense space bacon and then just the sugariest drinks in the world. There’s like electrolytes in there too and all that. Have a cookie, I’m- Ooh! This very cool, the shrinkwrapping. I’m most excited about this. Actually, like, wow. Mm. This is good. I mean, that’s a good sign that all the moisture is out of it, from the freeze-dry. Josh just became a wood chipper. You’re right. Yeah, I mean, this freeze-dried really well, ’cause I mean, it’s just so crumbly. All the moisture’s out of it. It’s a little dusty. It’s a little, I’m gonna choke on it! Drink some tang, dude. Yeah, oh, ew no, Josh, gross! No no, it’s a Space Arnold Palmer. Oh, gosh. That’s actually pretty good. Really? Yeah, the bitter of the coffee cup, try it. Try the Space-Palmer. I really hate this idea. Well, Arnie Palmie, Astro Palmie. Arnie Palmie. This is the driest cookie in the world. What are we gonna call this? This is an official cocktail that we’ve just covered, like the Valentina, you could call it that. Valentina. To Valentina- Valentanga To Valentanga. Ah, wow. Why does my tongue feel numb? That’s the fluid shift. That happens every time. Your brain’s all jiggling around. You go up in space for a long time you get a little crazy. The fluid confusion happens the morning after a night of drinking, like, all the time. Been there. Is it gonna be- I wanna get hammered in space. All right, should you’re dig into these peaches? No. You don’t like fruit, Valentina? You don’t deserve fruit. I don’t deserve fruit? Valentina take peaches home. It’s a nice treat for Valentina. I’m gonna keep eating my meat. I feed it to my dog. Thank you. I’ll take that. I’m weaker than your dogs, apparently. Today’s ancient meal comes from 47AD, where Julia Agrippina, AKA Agrippina The Younger, is accused of killing her husband, the Emperor Claudius, with a plate of poisoned mushrooms, just so her son Nero could ascend to the throne. Ooh, the drama. I know. So, we don’t exactly know what was served at this ancient banquet, but, we do know a fair amount about the ancient Roman diet. They ate a lot of, like, foraged mushrooms. They ate a lot of cheese, they ate a lot of game meats. But, a majority of their diet was bread. So, we’re gonna take a stab at the ancient Roman panis focacius which is a yeast risen flatbread that it originated in the Etruscan Empire. Now, many people considered to be the forefather of pizza, but after the Etruscan empire died in 27AD, then that tradition was taken on by the Romans. And then of course, that carried on, And so then, that didn’t become a tradition on pizza until the Neapolitans. The term margarita pizza wasn’t even coined until 1898, with the unification of Italy. Hey, there’s, like, a boner on this. There’s one there, but there’s also one there. Did people have tails back then? Phallic imagery was common among the stone paintings of the pom pans, so, this is a photo of a rock- I have a tail. You could see it in yoga class . All right so, when Mount Vesuvius, erupted, right? Destroyed Pompe in 79AD. And this is a rock carving that was actually discovered that illustrates what was essentially the street food scene in Pompe. And you can see this man, it looks so much like a modern pizza baker, he’s sticking a giant rod into a small hole and he’s baking some sort of a flatbread. So, we think that this was probably the precursor to pizza. Whoa, maybe he’s sitting on, like, a stick. Oh, you’re trying to figure out what that rod is, going down there? What were you trying to figure out? Well, there’s the rod going into the hole and then, there’s a rod between his legs. Well, there’s too many rods either way. Alright so, we don’t know the actual menu for the poison plate, but we do know a fair amount about the ancient Roman diet. They ate a lot of cheeses, they ate a lot of foraged mushrooms. They ate a lot of game meat, but a majority of their diet was bread. And so, we’re taking a stab at ancient- Are we gonna make poison pizza? Yeah, we’re making poison pizza. It’s pretty metal. All right, you wanna take a stab of playing Julia Agrippina and I’ll take care of the food? Toga, toga. Toga, toga, toga. No, it was called, like or something. There’s a Julia, I may presume. Who are you? I am your humble servant today. I am your cook. I will be making you your feast. I just heard some rumors, so I’m gonna move this knife real quick. Don’t take it personally at all. Personally. Okay. You look like the contestant that acts intentionally crazy on “The Bachelor,” so she can stay on for like seven episodes and get an Instagram following and then sell diet pills. Can I steal you for a sec? All right, so you ready to get down to this pizza? You got plotting face right now, you’re plotting. I can tell you’re plotting and I don’t like it. I just don’t feel comfortable when I don’t have a knife. Do you know what I mean? I think it’s safer in my hands, let’s all just agree- Someone else has a knife and I don’t? Doesn’t seem fair. Alright so, we’re making pizza, but we are also making an ancient Roman fermented fish condiment called garum, that was in almost all of the dishes. And I’m sure you know that, of course. Yeah, I know all of that. We have to start by disemboweling this fish. So, I’m just gonna take this knife and I’m just gonna run it into these small fish and I’m just gonna try and get it underneath that breast plate to expose the guts. You see a little bit of that blood coming out. And then when you filet it open, this is the good stuff. So, this is gonna give us flavors. This is essentially a fermented fish sauce. Now Pliny the Elder, you probably know Pliny, you’re a homie with ’em. We’re on speaking terms at the moment. Yeah. But, we’ve had issues. Yeah, that makes sense. That makes sense. So, Plenty wrote about this in the 77AD book, “Natural History,” wrote a whole recipe for it, but, there are a bunch of different recipes if you find it in the Roman Street Cookbook, “Apicius,” which is written in vulgar language, not classic Roman, that was passed around among the peasants. Oh, I love vulgar language and so does my brother, Caligula. God, Caligula was your brother? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, that is… What a family. He’s having a party tonight, actually, you’re welcome to come. I am probably chilling for that- I think, yeah, I think you’ll do. Oh God, I don’t feel comfortable. Let’s make the thing, this is called garum. We need to start with nine parts fish to one part salt. And then we’re gonna let this ferment in the hot Mediterranean sun, although it’s a little bit rainy in Burbank today. So, we may have to just do this in the oven. Burbank. You’ve been to the kingdom of Burbank? Never heard of it. Sounds harsh. Oh you should go to the Warner Brothers tower. Warner Brothers are, who are they? Are they going to come and try to ascend the throne? They, the Warner Brothers may try to ascend the throne. How many are there? I believe two, I don’t really know. I’ve taken the tour, it’s nice. There’s three. It’s Yacko, Smacko and Dot. Isn’t that it? Is it Yacko, Smacko, and dot? Hold some fish! Hold some fish, I need you to be my scale. So, you’re gonna try and hold this fish, just one hand. Wow! A lot colder than I thought they were. This is all the salt we have, So, hold the fish in one hand, hold the salt in the other. I need you to weigh out nine parts fish to one part salt. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When the fish outweighs the salt by nine times- What was their measuring system back in the day? Well they, they did this, they had what was called the balance scale, right? It’s like the classic image of the Libra, it’s, Emily, come on! Oh gosh. Let me stack the fish. You know, we meant to get a balance scale and I totally forgot, so, this is the bit. Is this a whole… You know what, let’s just use all of them. We got all these fish, we have all the guts and intact. Like I I said there were many different recipes for garum. Oh God. It’s essentially the same process as, like, a modern Vietnamese fish sauce but it’s ancient Roman version. And they say some of the most prized was just made with straight tunas’ blood. Then some was made with just fish guts. Some was made with whole fish themselves. So what I’m gonna do, I gotta combine ’em. Right? I’m taking the classic elements of all the best Roman garum, we’re gonna take some tunas blood here. We’re just gonna dump that in the pot. And then we’re gonna also hit it with some old wine. So, they would take the wine that had gone bad, got a little sour, kind of turned into vinegar a little bit. Okay? And, then we’re gonna use that to flavor this fish sauce. I think it’s gonna be really delicious though. Uh-oh, there it goes. Dump all that salt in here. Okay. Yeah, yeah, it’s fine. Alright. It’s great. And then, can you just get in there and sort of massage it around? You’re making me do a lot, for someone that I don’t know. I want you to be involved in this process. Like this is a banquet for your husband. Listen, I’m in the middle of hiding from something right now. So, if you could just, like, be as chill as possible. What are you hiding from? What do you want me to start with? So, we’re gonna leave this in the oven at 140 degrees and we’re gonna do this for five days. Even though Romans would typically do this for, like, months, but five days seems to be the sweet spot for where you really get all those insides to melt down. 140 degrees should be food safe for pasteurization. If you’re doing this at home, you’re not, but, like, don’t do it, probably. Do your own independent research. But this is what I came up with. This is what I’m comfortable putting in my body. I’m not gonna say, “My body, my choice.” You’re gonna find out what you’re comfortable with tonight. What, what’s happening tonight? I told you, the party. I don’t exactly know what Caligula did at his parties, I just know it was bad. Well, I’d just come in with an open… What, what’s open? Well, this is what a bunch of fish that I’ve been fermenting in the oven, for five days, looks like, as you see, I mean, it’s all really crushed up. And we left the guts inside this fish. So it’s all really crushed. And, they’ve also released a lot of liquid if you really dig down in there. This is the good stuff. And so, what I’m gonna do, I think I’m just gonna take all this and then dump it into this pot with a strainer. Typically, this would be done with a wicker basket. You need me to scoop out of there with… No. I think we’re good. And then, we’re gonna cook it down ’cause we’re gonna really concentrate these flavors. So, I’m gonna try and just kind of dump a lot of the fish into there and then really kind of push it through. That’s nice. Yeah fish, come on! There we go. We got some more. We can let that go. And then, I’m just gonna kind mash at these fish. You see it just falls apart into a mush. Whoo, you know that I’ve not been a sissy in any of these episodes, right? You’ve not. I’ve been very proud of you. Thank you, but this smell? What? This smell is weird . This is the smell of flavor. Alright, so check this out. Come over here. No, I am not- Give it a whiff! Smell the fish! Josh, I’m gonna barf- Smell the fish juice! I’m gonna barf into that pot. Don’t barf into the pot, that was probably a Roman- That’s probably a Roman recipe too. Oh my god, I know what you’re saying, Emily, wow, this right now, doesn’t smell so great, but, we got some old wine. So typically, Romans would use some wine that had kind of turned brown and sort of oxidized that’s not good anymore. But if you wanna taste that, this is wine that, art director, Mike Paisley’s friend, made in their backyard. So, we’re trying to get as close to the Roman recipe- So, not even dirty Paisley? It’s dirty Paisley’s friend? It’s one-removed- Dirty P. From Dirty P. I’m calling him Dirty P from now on. Yeah, Mike’s great, we love Mike. But, he’s the type of guy that you would have shady wine. He’s not dirty. Are we gonna drop the phone for this? Drop it like it’s trash. Oh my God, that’s a spoon on the floor. We should get it. Drink the toilet wine. Hang on. All wine is technically made in a toilet, if you- It’s not bad, right? All right, so we’re gonna take some of the toilet wine and I’m gonna drop it into this. That is classic toilet wine. You wanna give this a taste? So, we’re gonna let it reduce down for maybe 30 minutes, until it gets nice and sort of thick. And then we can use it as a flavoring, but try it. Emily, come on, it’s for history! Josh, I don’t know. It’s good stuff, it’s safe. Oh . Reminds me of the time I opened my mouth at St. George Island, in Florida. Just breathing it in. I just went into the ocean like, “Yay, thee ocean!” Breath in the adventure. And then it just all went in my mouth. Yeah, but I mean, that’s pretty cool, right? Like, people talk about uni and caviar and getting the flavor of ocean in your mouth. They don’t talk about Roman stank fish and blood. Oh, so that’s just gonna be there for the rest of the day, huh? Yeah, well not only that. This flavor. We’re gonna be adding this to pretty much everything that we do, because Romans would actually use this as salt, ’cause getting pure salt could have been expensive. So people would always keep this. And I mentioned garum, this is actually the liquid strain form called liquamen, very similar to Vietnamese fish sauce. Really delicious, tons of umami. We’re gonna add this to the rest of the ingredients that go on this pizza. Hey, can we do, like, instead of the little Caesar “Pizza, pizza,” it’s just, like, “Garbage, garbage?” Yeah, yeah. Alright Julie, so now we have to start on our panis focacius. So panis obviously is Roman for bread and then panis focacius means- I’m sorry, what did you say? Panis. I just wanted to hear it again. It’s panis. Like panis at the disco, they’re good. So, we are making that And focacius comes from the word focus, which was the name of the hearth. So, this was literally cooked on the floor of the hearth. We’re trying to recreate that situation in our oven. But first, we gotta do this the old Roman way, baby girl. So, alright, I called you baby girl, that’s creepy as all heck. Poor choice of words. Yeah. We’re doing this, Emily, my esteemed coworker and friend. Uh so. So, what we’re gonna do, we got sacks of wheat. Oh, okay. These are whole wheat. You just, um, alright, oh no, its fine. You seem skiddish around knives. Listen, it’s very hard to kill me. My son’s already tried three times. What? He doesn’t know I’m in here, so- I don’t wanna meet your son. I don’t wanna meet any of your friends, they sound crazy. My son is not my friend. Well, any of the people you know. Are you like one of those modern parents who thinks your kids are your friends? I hope they’re not. They’re not. They’re your mortal enemies and you have to have them killed. I hope my kids can open up to me with anything, I hope- You wanna know how he’s tried to kill me so far? Yeah, regretably. Maybe you can try something new. I don’t wanna kill you. First, he tried to poison me, but I had the antidote, because I created the poison in the first place. And then, the next time, he tried to make a machine that would, like, fall on me while I was sleeping, like, make my ceiling- What! Fall on me. But then, I, like, found out about it. That’s some James Bond villain type stuff. Don’t know who that is, but he sounds awesome. Anyway, so, I found out he was gonna do it, ’cause he has a big mouth, talks a lot. Yeah, he bragged that he was trying- Runs his mouth, he’s an idiot, that’s why mommy need . You made him. I know, I know. And I can break him. And the last one was… And this is really, really, it just shows how much he loves me, he made a collapsible boat, but I got away. So, I think I’m indestructible. I can’t help you with any of that. But, I can make you a pizza. The party tonight also helps a lot, with our family trauma. Yeah, that makes sense. So, you’re gonna go ahead and you’re gonna grind these whole wheat berries by hand. So, there’s really- I love grinding. Yeah, I bet you do. Yeah, so you’re just gonna go ahead and dig these whole wheat berries. We’re not gonna sift it. We’re trying to go, like, real rustic Roman-style. Typically, you’d use this in a mill, but if you didn’t have access to a mill, you just grind it by hand. But you gotta, like, really get in there. You’re doing a bad job. Panis. Panis? Panis. Panis. Focacius of course. Bash, bash, harder bashing. Harder bashing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, keep going. Yeah, don’t bite your bottom lip when you do it though, that makes it weird for the people. I give you everything. I give you everything and this is how you treat me! Some people put love into their cooking. She seems to put familial hatred in it. I really do think you have to crunch it. Nah, you’re doing good, you’re doing good. You’re doing good, don’t mind me. Yeah, when ya gonna get this thing out? You gave me this thing? Don’t mind me. Don’t mind me. You get that thing? Yeah well, you’re doing good. You wanna give it a whack. Definitely. We’re trying to grind this up. These are whole wheat berries. Your refined white flour would be without the brand and the chaff, but we’re using whole wheat flour ’cause we’re healthy. We got- You said I could have a turn! Have a turn, just mash at it a little bit. That’s looking good, I like what’s going on there. Why does this also stink? Everything stinks. I got fish guts on my bare feet. On his panis. Go put the fish cuts on your panis. Alright, this is looking good, this is looking good. This is looking good, it looks like flour, right? Like… It sure does. Doesn’t smell like it though. Check it out, it’s gotten kinda hot from the Vitamix, but it’s a very coarse ground flour. If you have a home mill, that might be the way to do it. But we’re just rocking with the flour. So I’m gonna take some water, I’m just gonna add into there. We’re gonna get a little bit of honey in there. Honey was very commonly used as sweetener in Rome. Oh! And so, honey is also what helps yeast ferment. We’re gonna add some yeast. So we are needing this into a loose dough. It’s looking kind of wet, but that’s how I want it, ’cause this eventually actually gets covered in saltwater. It is a modern, like, ??laurian take on it. I love how it smells like the ocean in here and that looks like sand. Alright, so we got this resting. We need to cover this. We’re gonna let the yeast take its course, and then we’re gonna start making our pain as facius.?? Our panis is doubled in size. Fantastic. All right. This is never gonna air. Alright, so what we’re gonna do, we’re gonna turn this out. You know what, first up. Are you gonna turn it out? Let’s just dump this oil. I’m just gonna kind spread this around, because focaccia had ton of oil associated with it. So, we’re gonna turn this out where it’s covered in oil on the bottom. And then we’re just gonna take this- Are we gonna get a sensuous closeup on this spongeyness? As sensuous as you make it. With, like, that sexy music where it’s, like, it got a little bit of haze around it? Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. Oh, yeah. So actually, it’s great that we’re kind of fingering this because the typical way to make focaccia is you would put kind of finger holes in it as you spread it and spread more oil on top. Okay. And then, you actually fill the holes with water and that sort of hydrates the bread in the very hot heat. Speaking of hot heat, if you wanna check out our oven rig. Wow. The didn’t have modern ovens in Rome. No they didn’t. So we put a bunch of rocks in our oven to try and mimic what a Roman hearth would maybe be. So, we’re gonna try and cook this directly on that hot stone there. Dirty Mike Paisley has told us- Dirty P. Dirty P told us that this is probably gonna work. I’m inclined to believe him, so, what we’re gonna do, you wanna take some of this and sprinkle it on the rock? This is semolina, this is course ground flour. Sprinkle on the rock? That’s hopefully gonna stop it from- But I’m not supposed to touch the rock, right? Do not touch the rock. The rock has been super heating for a long time. Alright, so now what I’m gonna do, I’m gonna take this oily bread and I’m gonna try and throw it directly on the rock. Okay. One, two. Kinda spread it out a little bit. Way to go, bro. That’s right. And then we can just kinda shape it into a circle and then get some finger holes in there. I can’t help but think that if Agrippina was here, she’d probably close this door. Now, all I could think about is impulsively wanting to close the door. You know those thoughts. You know those thoughts you have sometimes, like, when you’re in church and you’re like, “I could run up there and pull my pants down on the altar and take a poop.” Yeah, that’s why I don’t like holding knives. I’m gonna take a little bit of water and I’m gonna fill up all of our finger holes and the water’s gonna evaporate. That bottom should get nice and crisp. It’s fine, we’re doing good. And then we’re just gonna close that up and we’re gonna let it bake for about 20 minutes to a half an hour, until it’s golden brown. And then, now, we gotta make our toppings. Is it that bucket of filth? We’re gonna use the bucket of filth, yes. It’s going in the topping. It’s gonna be good, open your mind. Okay, alright. And if something tastes bad, no one notices the taste of poison. Poison. Poison. We’re gonna make a pizza topping. They typically would not have topped panis focaccia with much, but like, I wanna take some liberties with these ancient Roman recipes. So, we’re gonna add some olive oil to a pan. And typically, they would go for wild foraged meadow mushrooms, what they called ’em. But, we probably do not have the same species that they had. So instead, we’re just gonna use some wild mushrooms of our own. These are chanterelle, typically foraged a really delicious product. And we’re using some oyster mushrooms, as well with a little bit of hen of the woods, in there. And then also some king trumpets, which have a very meaty, awesome consistency. And we’re gonna let ’em cook down in olive oil, typically would’ve been done on an open fire. I think we can take some liberties. You know I just realized? What’s that? Agrippina kind of told you way too many secrets. Yeah no, I feel like I could really take down someone’s political career, with what I know right now. Yeah. What’s that in your hands? Oh, I didn’t even notice! Sometimes the knife ends up in your hands and- Every male in my family has murdered someone. When I do it, it’s like, “Oh, when a woman does it, it’s not cool. But when a man does it, it’s ambitious?” Do you get that? I think that Agrippina The Younger was a feminist, you know? I think that she really was, like, the first, first-wave of feminism. If you see, wow, we got some really great color on these shrooms. Oh, nice! And so, we’re gonna cook this down in what’s called carenum. Carenum as essentially, this ancient Roman sweetener that was made of cooked down grape musks. That doesn’t exactly exist today, but there is a product called vincotto, literally translating to cooked wine. And so this is essentially the raw wine, before it’s fermented, that you cook down, mash the grapes with all the seeds and the stems to get that tannic flavor. And so, we’re just gonna add that to these mushrooms. We’re gonna try and cook it in the bit of a syrup and then a bottle of your finest fish-stank. And so instead of salt, we’re actually going to be using that. Yeah, get a whiff of that. No, I don’t! That smells really good. You know what? I smell this, and I smell good things. Josh, I have been very chill. Shake these branches at the fish-stink. I’ve been very, ooh, that looks pretty. Shake the branches. Is that what you swat people with? Yeah. To like, clean them in a bathhouse? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you hold it, I’ll slap it. You know, be careful. I’ll be careful. Just gonna give it a little tap. Okay, I like taps. Give the herbs a little tappy-pat. That’s good. Like, ooh, bad herb. Ooh! Ooh, ooh. You’re bad. I actually think this is going to taste really incredible. I mean, these are flavors that I love. Vincotto is fantastic. It was used in ancient Rome pretty much. I mean this fish-stank is basically fish sauce, which I add to my bolognese as it is. Like there’s a whole branch in there. I know! Tiny little trees. And then we got rosemary and a oregno, and I mean, these mushrooms are just getting so glazey. So we’re gonna let these cook a little bit more. And then, we’re actually going to toss this on top of our pizza. Make it like a real modern dish that anyone would pay $22.99 for in Silver Lake. This is like a dirty flower. Dirty flower sounds like euphemism for something else. We have the panis out of the oven and this is looking really freaking, I mean, it’s so rustic. We used that whole wheat flower. I’m really curious about the taste on this. Right now, we’re gonna top it like an American pizza. So, there’s a thing that exists, you know the Caesar? Yeah, “Pizza-pizza, garbage-garbage.” Exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah. We’re hitting it with a little Caesar treatment. We’re gonna get a little bit of fresh olive oil on there and then we’re gonna start cutting up some Peccarino ramano. So like, literally- Peccarino. Romano. Sounds like a bird. So, I’m just gonna take off, like, some nice rustic hunks of this cheese to go on our nice, rustic panus. I’m wearing baby-spankx. Yeah, the outfits something. We ordered a large, but it’s from Amazon, so I don’t know who’s version of large is… Roman troops used to snack on Pecarrino Romano. It was a way to take the sheeps milk and then you would essentially, preserve it using salt. And actually, cheese making dates back thousands of years in the Odyssey, by Homer the Cyclops. Come on. Oh, what’s the Cyclops name? One-eyed jack. Old one-eyed Jack, the cyclops. One-eyed Willie, the cyclops. In Homers Oddesy, you know. Ooh! They actually reference him making cheese in a cave. Can we call it John Goodman? ‘Cause John Goodman represented the cyclops in “Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?” “Oh Brother, Where Art Thou.” Yeah! I love, like, modern movies that are plays on old tales. Yep. Have you seen, um, Sydney White? No. Amanda Bynes, “Sydney White.” She goes to college and deals with all this stuff. But it’s “Snow White And The Seven Dwarves.” The seven drawers. That’s a lot of drawers, for a dorm room. Josh? Yeah? I’m in “Sydney White.” You’re in “Sydney White?” Everybody, you have to keep this in the edit. Ben. Keep this, Ben was in Sydney… Was in this. That’s a good movie though. What were you doing in it? Did you have a mustache? I was a construction worker. Dude, yeah! Ooh! ‘Cause her dads a construction worker in “Sydney White.” Yeah. How’d you get that gig, dude? I was living in Florida at the time, I worked on that movie. That’s so sick. We got all those Pecarinos spread around on there, we got the olive oil on it. Oh, wow! Is that good? Yeah! I’m swapping spoons, hold on. Ooh, I got a whole peppercorn. That’s flavorful. Whoo! That Is gonna go so well, with the super sharp cheese. Oh man, I’m getting excited now. Do we have to put that dirty, dirty meat on this? No, the dirty meat’s in the mushrooms. You’re tasting the dirty, that’s so much fish-stank in the mushrooms. He tricked me! You got tricked, baby. You snuck something into my food. This is punishable by death! Sneaking things into food seems to be a big theme back then. Well, I mean, it’s the easiest way to do things. Alright so, we got this all nice and done up. Might top it with a little bit of fresh carenum and then, we’re just gonna go back in the oven for about 10 minutes. Crisp it up, really make it nice and pizza-y, hit some herbs on it and then we get to eat. Julia, welcome to your feast, where nothing bad ever happens. Thank you. So, we have some beautiful, soft sheeps milk cheese here. As of course, you know, they basically broke down into soft cheeses and hard cheeses. We got some dates, we got some figs. Y’all seem to love eating small birds. So, we got some quail eggs and some wild game birds here. Oh. Of course, olives, herbs and honey. But the star, we got this mushroom and carenum pizza right here. I’m gonna dig into it. Allow me. Yeah, you feel comfortable handling the… Oh, you look real comfortable handling that knife there. I’m very comfy, yes. Do you just want me to hand it to you, or? Kinda, I think you still need to cut it. I need to cut it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just thought we just fold it in half, like a… Like a New Yorker? Like, a real, authentic, New York style pizza. Yeah. It’s a shame this will be the last and first time we have ever spent time together. I don’t think so. I think we’re gonna do this a lot. I think, you know, you and I kind of hit it off out there. I think we have some things in common, obviously some differences. You know what? No one has ever said that to me. Oh my God. No one ever thinks they’re gonna do a lot of things with me. I’ve made a friend. Alright, I’ma pile of some more mushrooms on the eggs. To me that’s the star. To old and new and never friends. I’m excited to make friends. Come on, Come on. Mm-hm. Even you, with a hardened heart, have to be warmed up by this delicious freaking pizza. I don’t have a hardened heart. I feel everything. The Peccarino is such a strong flavor, ’cause it had to be aged and preserved for so long and the mushrooms have a little bit of sweetness. And then, the freaking fish sauce, garum liquid funk coming in, It’s so savory. The bread is super crispy and delicious and it tastes like pizza. And it’s all ancient Roman ingredients. Come on. Oh, it’s very good, seeing how the sausage was made though? Yikes. Tastes the soft sheeps milk cheese. This stuff is Dank. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get a quail egg in there. No. Get a quail egg in there! Let me, I wanna bite into it. Oh, it popped! Yeah, it’s like a gusher. It popped really hard. Quail eggs are nature’s gushers. Ooh, that’s actually really good. Romans really did eat well and they codified so much of their food. You see that in plenty of the Elders natural history. You see that in “Apicius.” There’s some awesome stuff out there and I’m so glad that I could take this journey with you that I hope will last a lifetime. Lifetimes . They sure vary, don’t they? They, yeah. They do. What? Shall we toast? Absolutely Julia, you have a big banquet to go to and I don’t wanna keep you from that, but I think we should cheers to something. Sure, hang on. Just one sec. I just… You have more than me. Okay. I don’t want you to have- Like, friends we’ll be generous with each other. Yep, yep, yep. That’s yours. What did you smell in here? Friendship. Aw. That’s just like you. Well, cheers to friendship. Yes. So Emily, the meal that we’re recreating today, this is from Christmas in 1870s. This is the 99th day of the siege on Paris, by the Prussian forces that was led by the Iron Chancellor, Otto Von Bismarck. They had surrounded Paris. There were a ton of different crazy political things that went into this. French government was sort of on a decline. Napoleon the third on the way out. A new Republican, pseudo democratic government coming in. But, Paris was under seizure during a particularly harsh winter. And so, they had already been eating horses for a long time to sort of just get a cheap source of meat. But then, by this time all that meat had run out and so, they had to turn to zoo animals. But, the aristocracy was still such a big deal in Paris that these restaurants are still serving these lavish meals. So, here we see a full tasting menu with zoo animals. This is one of the craziest artifacts of history. You see, you got your typical stuff. You got radishes, butter, you got sardines, and then, you got a full stuffed donkey head. Whoa. Because, that’s just what they were doing. So, we are actually gonna be making some of these. We’re not gonna use any of the animals that are, like, illegal or, like, super messed up to eat. But, there’s some in here that are commonly eaten in other cultures, like you see, you got the roast camel, you got a kangaroo stew. And so to me, this is, like, one of the most fascinating times in history and it shows what people can do in times of great strife. I see D’elephant. Yes. Which is elephant with a D in front of it. Yeah, that’s french- Good job, France. The animals that went first were the ones that are similar to the animals that we eat, where you had Yak and antelope and the kind of ruminants. But eventually, they got down to elephant, including two very famous elephants that would parade around the Luxembourg Gardens, named Castor and Pollux. And they too, were eaten for meat. And again, wars, hell, this is a dark time in history. True. Come on, folks. It’s survival of the… I don’t know. Of the Frenchest? Yeah, the Frenchest is the right way, yeah, yeah. It really was. Do you see this is a full tasting menu, you got your little salads here, ’cause they still had the gardens. And again, they’re French, so they were drinking wine and eating cheese with every single meal. And the seeds would end up lasting for five months because basically, the Prussians didn’t wanna waste their artillery going after the French. And so, the Parisians were really just locked in with nothing to do, no information in or out. All they had was just their French culture and their zoo animals to eat. I’m gonna try to get excited about it. Maybe the Cotes d’ours roties sauce. Cotes d’ours roties sauce poivrade. Poivrade. I’m guessing you’re not a French speaker? I took it, but did not retain it . Well, you think you can, sort of, cobble together a character? I imagine you got a whole like dramaturgy written up? This may be my greatest challenge. God, I can’t wait. I’ll be right back. Hello to you, sir. I bring you some meat that is different. Okay, okay, may I ask what’s different about it? It’s camel. It’s camel. Where did you get the camel meat? That’s not important. So, you were the one who was wrangling up the meat? Also, can I ask, you are a rat? Yes, I am a rat. Presumably. Thank you for noticing, that I am a not a mouse. This seems maybe derivative of a certain Disney property if I may- Oh, ya, ya, ya. I am the rat that, that is based on. Okay. I am not Remmy, my name is Lenny. So yeah, I started working in kitchens around the time that we’re going to be discussing today. Great, so, I mean, do you wanna like… Do you want me to pop on a hat and you kinda hop under it? Oh no. That’s one of the main differences from the, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was in a tiny hat, pulling the guy’s hair around. I was really in a guy’s pants looking through the zipper, also pulling a guy’s hair, to make him do stuff. It’s similar, but not the same. Please don’t crawl in my pants. If you insist. Okay, so this is camel and this is coming- Correct, it’s not rat. That’s what’s important. So, we have a standing camel rib roast right here. Yep, yep, yep. I don’t need to tell you about that. You’re a chef, of course. No, I mainly just find the meat, but I do a little bit of seasoning from time to time. Let’s go, well, do you wanna help me- But mostly it’s like, “Look over there, don’t eat a rat.” Do you wanna help me tie this up? Yeah, sure. Lift up the camel meat. Sure. Get your little paws in there. Get your little paws… Ooh, it’s nice and cold. Also, I was hoping you’d go way more, like, Marissa Tome, from “My Cousin Vinny.” Anyway, you know, keep it lifted,. Keep it lifted. No, I am clearly a man-rat. You’re clearly. I’m sorry. Wait no, keep, keep the camel lifted. Keep the camel lifted. Keep it lifted. I’m gonna lay all these in here. Keep the camel lifted. So, we’re making what is a , which is roast camel in the style of the English, I suppose. Hold on, just keep it lifted, I’m gonna keep- Oh, I just got an idea about the Mellisa Tomei thing. Good. Because, it’s like the beat thing. It’s like, “It’s clock, is ticking like this!” Is that good? That was good, that was good. That was a good reference to a movie that no one watches anymore. We’re just gonna be cooking this like a roast beef, essentially. So, this is like an English style roast beef. And this was served at the Restaurant , on their Christmas day, 99th day, the siege tasting menu. This is one of the main courses. So, this is just cooked like an English roast, prime rib, whatever you wanna call it. How tight? How tight we thinking? Pretty tight, because the goal is to get this as even as possible. Oh. And so like, just try and follow, kind of where mine’s going here. We want it to be a little bit circular. Well, I messed that one up. But I am a rat! I’m just … What jobs were available for rats outside of the kitchen? There was the poop ball gathering. Yeah? I kind of graduated outta that. Yeah, you don’t poop ball gather anymore? No, no, no, no. It’s one rat’s job. Usually the one at the bottom of the totem pole in the kitchen, to just gather it all and then roll it out. Yeah . Some would be concerned about the amount of rat poop in a kitchen. Well that’s why we have the roller. Okay, oh, I’m so sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We handle it, we handle it. I don’t mean to come into your world and tell you what to do. Well, it’s okay, you don’t know how my kitchen works. I don’t know how your kitchen works. You don’t seem me making assumptions. Your kitchen might be cleaner than ours, despite all the rats if I’m being honest. I’m just gonna tie this end, I’m just gonna… I’m not saying you did a bad job. No, no, no. During the siege, what else was going on? I mean, were you scared, ’cause like, you were used to freewill in Paris as you know it, but I mean, during the siege, normal days for you? Or what was going on? Well I was a little scared. Mainly because of the whole, like, people were like, “Maybe we shoot the rats.” But mainly, it was just because the leftovers were a lot, the trash wasn’t really a lot of food in there anymore ’cause people didn’t have food. Yeah? So, I was like, “What are we gonna do, oh no.” And then, I started, like, I’d hang out in the, the zoo sometimes. Yeah, and then you started finding the zoo animals. So, that’s how- Well, I like the zoo, ’cause there’s like, a big cat called a lion. Yeah. Behind the cage Yeah so- While most of the Parisians were worried about, like, the political future of France and also Europe from Prussian aggression. Right. You were just more worried about taunting the big cat for being a stupid idiot behind the cage? Listen, we’re not political rats. We’re gonna be here no matter what. That’s true. No matter what happens, we’re around, just, unless you eat us. That is the main thing. I think there’s something beautiful and simple about that. Yeah. But I mean, like… Good life. Paris is, like, the center of art and culture throughout all this. I mean, I mean, did you- Yeah! Did you see plays? You know, do you like architecture? What’s your thing? I did enjoy the gas lamps that Napoleon III started putting up. Or, Prince President, as he called himself for a little while. What’s so funny? You said you weren’t political, Here you are rattling out Napoleon III facts. Well I heard rumors about, he was a funny guy. He was a little funny guy and he said weird stuff. But he got all these gas lamps and that’s why it’s called, the city of lights. Yeah! Of course, people burned them down. Yeah, it makes sense. Paris went through a lot. In like, 100 years, they were just bombed constantly, sieged constantly. Mm-hm. But still, they kept just putting out food, putting out art. Being the center of culture. Look at them. Yeah! They survive like rats. The Parisians are rats. The comment section is gonna be rough. For you. So, we’ve tied up the roast. We’ve got this all salted. Again, this is a very simple preparation. This is to let the meat shining. Camel is a meat that is pretty commonly eaten-ish. Albeit for special occasions, all across the Middle East. So, this is gonna be really delicious, I think. Oh yeah. And we’re gonna make a quick little auju right here. We’re gonna add flour so it thickens up, to just some, we’re gonna call this antelope stock, ’cause they also ate antelopes. I’m sure you were out there scouting antelopes. I remember, remember. I didn’t know much about them. I didn’t socialize with them a lot. Yeah, I mean you haven’t been outside of Paris. You hang out at the zoo. Do you know what these animals are? Like, did you think they were they were edible? Oh, I was friends with a few. The hippo, I really like that guy. Yeah, it’s kind of a giant rat that eats and mauls people. Kinda. He was very- We’re adding Worcestershire to this, by the way. Very fun to spank. You go on top of him and you’re like, “Hey, how you doing?” And, spanking the hippo is not a euphemism for anything? No. So we’re creating the base of the jus here. So this is a stock. It’s flour, it’s some herbs. It’s some peppercorn. We’ll take a couple garlics. Does a rat know what a palm hill strike is? Well, I don’t have much of a palm as a rat. It’s kind of like, a tiny little, little doo-dad- Yeah, you’re like, you’re like, you like, claw it or something, like- Yeah, yeah. No, no, do it, do it! I just realized that my rat scrunchie might be in the way. so, there we go, alright, alright. I’ll just try, let’s see. Huh? Yeah, that’s close. That’s close. That’s great, you did good. You crushed the garlic. We don’t even need to take the skins off ’cause we’re gonna strain this later. Okay. And then we’re just gonna pop that roast on there. That is beautiful. Right? I think it’s gonna be really good. Ooh. That smells nice. And the thing about this, is like, only the aristocrats were eating this, right? ‘Cause, like, not the “Aristrocats,” by the way. That’s triggering for you and I understand that. I do love that movie. Even that couldn’t shake ya. Well, I mean, if cats could sing, I wouldn’t mind what jerks they are. They’re the good cats. But they’re not, they can’t even sing. I’m like, the only animal I know, who could talk. So why are cats- Wait, so none of the… I’m sorry, none of the other rats talk? You’re the only talking rat? Yep, that’s kinda how I- How did this happen? I don’t know. I just started talking. I guess. But, only in English! And only in a Brooklyn accent. Have you ever been to Brooklyn? Do you know what Brooklyn is? I’ve been to Brooklyn, Paris. We’re gonna pop this in the oven. We’re just gonna let it go. We’re gonna revisit it later. I’m gonna tent it with foil just to get the temperature up. And, then I’m gonna take it off, blast it, sort of crisp up that camel fat cap. I cannot stress to you enough, this is a camel and I’ve never eaten it before, but, I’m pretty excited about it. They’re jerks. They’re jerks? Yeah. They spit? Yes! Yes. Screw ’em! I’m a tiny rat, I can drown. To all the camels out there watching, don’t spit on rats. Yeah. She just wants to live. Pick on someone your own size. Fight the hippo. Alright, we’re gonna pop this in the oven. Alright, and now we’re gonna let that go. Alright. Yeah, speaking of kangaroos. Huh? You can find me one? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Lenny. What’s up? You got me the kangaroo. Did you just strip the meat off of its flesh yourselves with your tiny razor sharp claws? No, I just know a guy. You just, You just know a guy? Ah, well, do you wanna butcher this down for me? Sure. Do you wanna just cut it into, like, large stewish cubes? So, we’re making right now, is called . Which was on the actual Christmas day menu. Yeah, there you go. At restaurant . ?? actually means relating to chives, which is why we have a bunch of different ?? here. This dish was typically made in the spring and it was also typically made with a wild hare or a . The religious symbolism of this dish is that it is thickened with its own blood. So, we also have some blood. You you did leach the kangaroo of it’s own blood? I told you, I know a guy. I don’t do that kind of stuff. I just go, “Hey, kill that thing.” I believe you, I believe- Not me! Look, times were tough back then. You had to do what you had to do, you know what I mean? I know, I know, I know. Alright. So, this is for Christmas? Yeah, this is the Christmas day menu. Rats; they celebrate Christmas or are you Jewish, coming from Brooklyn? I celebrate everything. I like all the holidays. But, this feels very pagan. Yeah, it sure does. Well, I mean, a lot of these rituals were from paganism. But, like, this dish, it was for the like springtime, sort of Easter, resurrection of Christ and the blood was used to thicken it, which I’m really interested in, because it’s a very cool culinary technique called liaison des san, which means, like, a blood thickener in a stew. So, I’m pretty stoked on this. Can brown the meat first. You know what? Yeah, start tossing it in the pot. Cool. Toss it in the hot lard. I’ll salt it and pepper it. And then we’re gonna remove it. Then, we’re gonna start sweating down all these . Toss it in. You seem to know French pretty good. I actually took five… This meat stinks! You ever eaten kangaroo before? Nope. No, me neither. Me neither. No. It is really popular in Australia though. There’s actually a big, like, government mandate because kangaroos are such an invasive species in Australia. And so, there’s like this marketing competition to see who could have the best idea of what to call them to put ’em in stores. So now, you can actually find kangaroo in Australian grocery stores and at a lot of high end Australian restaurants. So, that’s pretty cool. So we’re gonna get a taste of, like, old country France, as well as modern day Australia. Interesting. I wonder what, like, I’ve seen the videos of the kangaroo trying to take a golden retriever into the woods. Well, and the owner, like, fought the kangaroo and got his dog back. But I’m like, “What did kangaroos eat?” Oh kangaroos? I think just eat, like, leaves. I’m pretty sure they’re not carnivores. Well, it was gonna do something with that dog, so… We don’t know what it was gonna do with that dog. Maybe him and that dog were, you know? I’m gonna take this meat, it’s nice and brown, I’m gonna remove it and then once I get all this meat out, just start dumping in all the vegetables. It smells like beef. Uh-oh, it does. It smells beefier than beef, which is crazy. And the funny thing about this dish, is that, like, you see the care that the restaurant kind of took in actually crafting these dishes, because rabbits and kangaroos, I believe, are both… In a similar… What are they called? Species or whatever? What are they called? Not pachyderms, That’s an elephant. Well, I always thought that rabbits were rodents. I think rabbits and kangaroos are related. Someone fact check me! Rabbits and kangaroos, related. Well, kangaroos are, is it the, marsupials. Marsupials. The marsupials. So, I don’t know- I don’t know. They’re big rabbits that like to box people. Also, they’re buff and sexy. Beep beep, Lord? What did you make this as? What is this? What family is this in? I’m gonna start dumping in the onions. We got our green onions in there. We’re gonna take our Cipollini Onions. Ooh, those are good. Some garum. And then, do you wanna start chopping up the rosemary and I’m gonna strip the thyme. Should I do it with this knife though? Yeah, it’s all getting cooked in the same thing. Alright. Also, you’re a rat in a kitchen. You’re worried about health codes? That’s right. Listen, I don’t care about my health. I care about yours. Did they have health inspectors coming into the restaurant? ‘Cause they made a big deal about that in the movie. Oh yeah, oh yeah, we had ’em. What’d you do to ’em? Well, we didn’t do anything to them. I just would, like, stack myself on top of other rats, wear a little trenchcoat, like, hide out in the back. That’s smart. Hope nobody asks any questions. Like a silly 90’s kids movie. You weren’t there. The kids took it from us. I’m adding the meat back to the pot. Just gonna get that nice and brown. The stew is coming together. This smells so much better than trash. Yeah, dump that in. Dump that in the … So you weren’t allowed to, like, eat at the restaurant that you worked at? No, they wouldn’t let us eat. They also, like, when they got, like, their best wines, for the dinner, for the Christmas thing, they got, like, all the best wines and stuff and then, they wouldn’t let any of the rats, like- That’s a shame. Yeah, I got a present for ya. They’ll cook us in the wine, but they- I got you a Christmas present. Heaven forbid they let Fifel get blitzed! Fifel, I want you to get blitzed off this wine after I ??dump some of it too. Nice! Well, ’cause that was a really cool thing, right? Is that in Paris, you know, it was all the fresh meat that they really struggled to get and all the fresh produce and all that. Yeah. Like people still had the gardens. They still had a giant stockpile of the best wines in the world. And so, they were just hammered through this entire siege. Which is how I want to go in a siege. I’m just gonna be rocking the high noons and white claws all the way through. Ooh, what’s a white claw? That’s kind of like… I’ve got those. It’s like a wine, but for frat bros. Oh, you know what I think is the frat bro of the animal kingdom? The kangaroos. Really? Problematic bros. They’re not like bros, with a heart of gold, they’re the problematic bros. Well, I mean, have you seen ’em? Yeah, they’re jacked. They’re always coming at you like. It’s a real like, Jim Laundry kind of animals. Like, okay buddy, like… Alright, So the wines reduced, we’re gonna add some stock and now we’re just gonna cover this, let it go. And then, we actually have a really cool condiment to go on the stew. Ooh! And then, meanwhile Fifel, have at it, kiddo. I’ve been west, but I’d like to go south. Ah, my back, my neck. Lenny, the stew’s boiling. How does it smell to you? Use your rat palette to inform what we need to add to it. Yeah. That’s good. It ain’t trash. You are hanging out, in a man’s sweaty pants all day though. Has that affected your, sort of, old factory senses? No, actually I think it’s better for my pH. God, that’s great. Live amongst the musk. I love that for all of us. Thanks. War really is a hell. So is living in a man’s pubes. Hey. So, uh… As long as it’s warm. So sort hacking up those herbs. If you wanna, pick off the bigger part of the stem. So again, we are making just a simple, like, herbed mayonnaise. It’s kinda like, they would add what’s called to, like, a base, or certain stews. That’s very common in French cookery. So, I’m gonna like, pick off some of those herbs. You can kind of take it and rip it apart. Oh, cool. I’m not too particular about the stems. Pop it in the blender, we’re gonna blend that up. What I’m making is called the liaison des san, which is a blood thickening agent that we’re gonna add to this, along with some breadcrumbs and a little bit of this giant jug of wine. Yeah! That we’re gonna get through before the end of the siege. Got dang?? Lenny. Just you and me Lenny, just like it’s always been. And the lion, which apparently they just couldn’t figure out how to kill. They would’ve eaten the lions and tigers if they could have figured out how to kill it with 1870s technology. But they could not. So, I think it’s hilarious that they were just spared. They ate a lot of horses before we got to this point. They bled a lot of horses, to make their blood into puddings. But cars weren’t around for like another 15 years. So, you’re just killing your car. They had nowhere to go. That was literally the thing. The Prussian strategy, they literally called it, “A war of masonry,” because the Prussian strategy was just, yeah, this is the section where I talk about Prussian battle strategy. Yeah! So, they literally had Paris surrounded and the Prussian strategy was just to wait, because the French military generals, they knew that a Prussia attacked, they would just burn themselves out, waste their artillery attacking a city that, like, could not really be invaded and there was no reason for Prussia to do so. So they just waited there. That’s why the siege was five months. And that’s why by the third month people got bored and they’re like, “Well, let’s continue making these classic French dishes for the aristocracy, out of camels in kangaroos and rats. I mean, in cats. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah. yeah. No, you’re, you’re fine. You’ll do great. Yeah, keep that under wraps. Rats, wrats, rats. All right so, I’m gonna take… This is a typical way to finish this dish, I’m gonna take a little bit of this red wine and I’m gonna add it to the blood, to thin it out, because once you add blood to heat, it starts coagulating. Then we’re also gonna add some breadcrumbs to that and we’re gonna stir that together, then add it to the stew. Take it off the heat and the blood should thicken it nicely. I was gonna ask, do you know how they killed the horses? Yeah. Sledgehammer! I do, I think that that was a bad move. Brutal, golly. Aren’t like, horses, kind of helpful in battle? You’d think. Yeah. But again, what are they gonna do? Ride outta the city? There were some French generals that tried to capture outer cities, ’cause they were like, “We can inspire the French to rally.” And then, they went out there and they tried and they failed. People were like, “Nah, we’re good, we got our wine, we’re chill. We’ll wait it out. Yeah but, the French were like all gung ho for this war in the first place. Yeah, it was Napoleon III’s last stand pretty much. Yeah, the people wanted to do it. The people wanted it. They were misinformed. Yeah. All right, so I’m gonna add this blood and wine to the stew. Oh gosh, there’s the breadcrumbs. And then I’m gonna take it off the heat and I’m gonna kind of temper it in there, just to thicken it- This just looks like grass. Are you sure? You’re the one that got it. You’re just bringing grass into the kitchen. What are you doing? I know. I just wanna make sure I did a good job, it matters to me if you like what I do. You did good. Toss it in there. Toss it in there. Alright, cool. Alright, I’m gonna dump in the mayonnaise, add some of that in there. This is fresh homemade-style mayonnaise that I got from a jar, sue me. Heck yeah! Mayo is hard. I can see how this blood’s thickening it. This is actually working really, really well. Ooh, it smells really good. We don’t have clumps going. We’re gonna wait for those breadcrumbs to thicken up. Let that boil off for just a second. All right. Do I do any more with this? I’m gonna chop up some shallot real quick. Oh, okay. Shallot’s pretty common. This is a sauce that actually, like, dates back a long, long time. Comes from like an Occitan tradition where they would just like, blend egg yolks and oil and herbs into a bunch of stuff. Is this, the chef who made all this stuff, is this his famous sauce? This isn’t famous sauce. I mean back then, the French cannon of cookery was so, like, codified by that point. And a lot of it was actually under Louis the 14th. I mean you had the early people in the late 19th century, like Auguste Escoffier. But already by then, I mean, there was such a tradition among the French aristocracy of these insane stews. Like, this stew would literally take three days to make typically, ’cause you had to marinate the wild hare in cognac. You just had to, like, let it soak in there. I bet you didn’t… They didn’t let the hare have any of the cognac. You’re more worried about the justice for animals in this. And I love that. I just really think we deserve to be drunk. I’m gonna add a little bit of vinegar to this, just to thin it out and then we’re just gonna blend it up. I imagine you didn’t have vitamin mixes in your kitchen? No no, I just mainly, it’s kind of the same thing as the wine. We just get in there and be like, dat da da like, on this thing and we’re like, we’re chopping it up that. So, you would’ve just stomped on these herbs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I love that for us. It’s gonna turn a nice, beautiful green color. I love that. I’m gonna get a couple more herbs in there. We got terragon, we got chives, we got, what else we got in here? We got some fresh parsley. This is just a, this is just a weed whacker. What did you do? Is this how you prep for the chef? Well, most of the time I just don’t like to be noticed by other animals or other people. ‘Cause they might go, “Hey big rat, let’s get it.” That’s fair. You have to really fly by night in this kitchen. So I’d run out and I’d just go, ah, okay, here we go. Just run, drop it and throw it away, hide back in the bed. Your hat! My hat! I thought there was gonna be a tiny man under your hat. Sometimes there’s a tiny beret, but not for today. And blend it up. There, we go, that’s the color that we want. Alright, let’s see. Let’s get your tasting notes on this, Lenny. Okay. I’m curious to see how this… That is adorable and disgusting, equal parts. Ooh I love it. You love it! I love it! I got your approval. It’s tangy, it’s, like, got some tangy to it. And now it’s gonna, kind of, marinate you from the inside out, so you’ll be seasoned when the time comes. You’re really committing to this. We got the sauce there done. We got the . This is nice and thick. Once the temperature drops it’s gonna get super luscious. We’re seeing it get there right now. It’s smelling really fantastic. It smells absolutely amazing. I’m excited to know what’s gonna combine together, how it’s all gonna be put together. You ready to feast? You ready to enjoy Christmas dinner during this troubling time? Sure. Let’s do it Lenny. Yeah! I wanna get it on the accent fun, too. Lenny, I imagine this is your first time at the dining room table. How does it feel? It feels very good. So, we have our right here. That’s that rose camel, that beautiful jus. We got the bloody kangaroo stew. But we also got some other things, ’cause again, this was a tasting menu, during Christmas, during the siege, and all these restaurants that were catering to the aristocracy, they still have their gardens out there. So you got your water-crest salad, your buttered peas, you got your radishes with the butter. Some tin sardines, ’cause they still had access to all the preserved food. Then of course, your classic French cheese board. Ooh, I love cheese. Grab some cheese. What do you wanna dig into first? What’s calling your name right here? Which animal do you hate more? I’m gonna have to go with the roo. Let’s go with the roo, let’s try it. The roo stew. Alright here, grab some of the sauce there. I’m just gonna dollop it. Oh is this that stuff, where I put the grass in it? Yeah, this is our grass sauce. Find a nice big chunk of meat. Ooh! It congeiled really nicely with the blood. I mean, this is a fantastic looking stew right here. Alright, cheers. Cheers. Did you wash the little hairs off your paws? No. That’s okay. That’s okay. That’s okay. I also have just finished ball duty. Oh, the poop ball, Not the, not the- I just said, I didn’t even mean to make a pun. Let’s eat the kangaroo. Holy crap. That is freaking packed with flavor. Whoa! It’s a really lean meat. So it is, like, a little bit tough. But that said, the actual stew itself, it’s got this beautiful richness and thickness in that blood and then the green sauce just cuts through it all like a knife through butter. Hot diggity! Wow. That sauce is really, really good. That’s insane. Yeah! They were eating well. I mean, like not really, ’cause again, this was a kangaroo from the zoo. But given the circumstances, I mean, they were able to make really tasty food. Yeah! Want some camel? Yes. I got you, I got you, Lenny. Oh man. You’re my boy, Lenny. You are very generous to me. You think we’re gonna be friends after this? I hope so, I mean- I hope so too. Many people who say they’re my friend end up just ignoring me after a while, ’cause I smell. Yeah, I feel that too. But- Me and Lenny have something in common. I can’t wait to tell my friends and my family about your kindness. Alright, dunk it in the jus. I’ve never eaten camel before, so this is exciting. I have not either. Dig in. Wow. Mm. That’s good though. Really good. It’s got like a more irony taste than beef to it. Actually, those camels have like more movement than cows. There’s a lot more blood sort of flowing through the musculature. It’s tougher, but it’s not like super tough. It’s like meat-chewing gum. Takes a while to get through the camel, but… It’s definitely a cud. The sauce is so good. Man, you’re real good at sauces, Josh. I mean, so are the French and that’s why all this food is so freaking delectable. And again, this was only reserved for the aristocracy and the occasional rats that pulled their pubes to make the dishes happen. Yep. Yep. Well, I mean, we would go through the garbage afterwards. There wasn’t much left over, but, we got a couple little, you know? Well, I have another really nice treat for you. I actually have a large wheel of cheese over there for you. Just ignore, like, the wooden structure and the metal bars hastily placed over the top. It’s just a delicious piece of cheese. My very own wheel of cheese? Your own wheel of cheese! You are so generous to me. No, Lenny, come on. We have a special bond here. It is true, I feel very bonded to you and I will never forget you. I will never forget you, Lenny. My family will remember your name. Thank you. Go get that cheese. Okay. Go scurry away. Scurry away. I have a baggette! I know you, you love your bread. Lenny loves his bread. Here I go. Here I go. Okay. Scurry away. Here I go. Yeah, so we’ve- Ooh, I see it! Yeah, we’ve run out of zoo animals and now it’s time to go for the rats. Hey, there’s this thing I gotta get under, here, what is this? Yeah. It had to happen. Hey! I’m eating here. Lenny, I’m sorry! Lenny, the food’s running low. We got soldiers outside the restaurant. We gotta eat. The cheese is good though. That was a nice little variety of stuff, because there are quite a few videos where I’m doing the same voice. No, don’t. Mm-mh. Don’t break the fourth wall like that. They’re different characters that are well researched. They’re different characters it’s just, some of them all sound like the rat. I love the Danny DeVito rat. And Emily, I love making videos with you. I do too! This is my favorite series. This is so fun! And I hope that we get to make more, I don’t know, I haven’t played a lot of other animals. If this video gets 12 million views, we promise to make more Meals Of History. Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t say hope. Let’s just say we’re gonna do it. Thank y’all so much for watching. I hope you enjoyed- Oh my God. Oh God, listen to our podcast on hot dogs. Oh god the snake’s back! No, oh God. Subscribe to the TikTok. We gotta go, bye. This is a very realistic one, I don’t like. A new mythical kitchen creature approaches; the pizzacock is here. That’s a combination of pizza and peacock. And it’s available on a brand new apron at mythical.com.