^ Hey, everyone. ^ Welcome to “Aprons Off”, the show where we stop cooking, ^ and just hang out right here at this table, sitting on this bench, just a, just a few friends having a good time. Today, we are gonna be answering all of your burning questions that have never been asked before, ever in the history of ever. We asked you to ask us questions because we asked. Should we just get into it? If it’s burning typically, just like a prescription lotion does the trick. Okay, let’s get into it! Nice one. Sorry about that folks. I don’t think you can apply lotion to questions. Nevermind. Yeah. Okay. We’re gonna, we’re gonna get right into the first one here, Right into the first one. Tiny comb. Alright. How good? Okay. Jonah asked us, “what’s the highest number of third graders that you think ^ you could fight at the same time and still win?” ^ That’s a great question. I pass to Nicole. How old are third graders? Eight? I believe. Nine. Eight to nine. Eight to nine? Really? Okay. I think I could beat three nine year olds. You think once they add a fourth nine year old in there, that one’s just gonna take you down and talk? No, because they can go on each other’s shoulders. A very inefficient way to fight. Three is my limit for, for third graders. Yeah. That makes me think of you differently as a team member, and a coworker. Because if you don’t think people, In a good way? if you don’t believe that you can take on at least like six third graders and I don’t know how I can trust you… No, at a time? At a time? Yeah. At a time? Okay, fine. Fine, fine, fine. Well, it’s hard because third graders do come in all different shapes and sizes. I was, I was probably a hundred, like 170, 180 pounds. If we’re talking third grade, Josh, like maybe two. But I, I didn’t move well, I didn’t move well, you know, so I would’ve been pretty immobile. Okay. Think about average. Think about average, median. Yeah. I mean, I, I, I think I have the reach on most third graders, you know? Yeah. I’ve got a lot of length. You could just push ’em out of the way. I’ve got the speed. I think that I could take at least, like, I think I could take six. Six? I think I could take five or six. This is shocking. I don’t know that there’s an amount of third graders that could take me down. You know, the scene, you know, the scene in, I believe it’s ‘The Fellowship of the Ring’, where they show like, oh God, I don’t know the names. The King, Sauron maybe when he was king. I’ve never watched a ‘Lord of the Rings’. And he has this giant club, and he is just like going through armies of them Yeah. Just going boom, and smashing them aside. Do you have a club in this scenario? I would like to, I can make a club if there’s a tree nearby. Third graders are often found near the trees, right. We’re talking parks, we’re talking schoolyards. You take ’em, you make a club. Again, I don’t want to hurt these third graders, but in this scenario, they’re coming after me. Mhm. I, I actually believe I’m, I’m talking like 20 to 25. If you have a choice of having a flail in this scenario, No. then yes, I think that I could take a lot more. Yeah. Not a lethal… But not talking bare knuckle combat. Yeah. Just, just, yeah. Okay. Well, still, I mean, I got pretty big arms and I mean, I mean I think if I just really run through them, I mean, we’re talking 20, 25, dude. Dude, three of the third graders are gonna come for your legs, wrap you up, and you’re toppled, and then you’re done. Yeah. Bro, I, I played running back, You’re toppled. well I never played running back… but I – Okay, next question. Next question. Pete asks, what is the weirdest music ^ that you have ever heard a coworker play? ^ in the kitchen, from any job? ^ I know what mine is, I know what mine is. Lilly, on her like second week here, played ‘Down by the Bay.’ Wait. And it was like a weird okie smokey song. You know what I’m talking about? Like, it was like, ♪ Down by the Bay… ♪ I’m like, why are we listening to this? Oh, yeah! That was the weirdest. That’s weirder than any song that Josh has played, ever. Yes. That was the weirdest, because it was unexpected. I expect weird stuff from Josh all time. Thank you. Lilly. Like with left field, just, just like a, ‘rope a dope a dope a dope’, and I’m like, what is going on? Am I on the water ride at Disneyland? That’s true. Yeah. It was weird. That’s a good point. Me playing Finnish troll metal is like pretty normal. Yeah, yeah. Shout out to Fintroll, Korpiklaani does great work too. I’d say there was a, a time when you were playing a song and not to to out anyone here, but it was a bit of a dirty song. It was by an artist named ‘CupcakKe’, and… Oh, ‘Mouth Wide Open.’ Mouth wide open. Like I met the dentist. Was I the first one to play that in the kitchen? Yes. Yes, you were. I believe you were. I’ll say that was weird in its own reason. Really? I’m sorry. No, yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry about that. Is this song called ‘Mouth Wide Open’? It’s called… no, I can’t say the name of it. Oh, okay. Well… Shouldn’t shouldn’t say the name of the song. We cultivate a safe work environment. Yeah. You know, and ‘CupcakKe’ is a great artist. Yeah. Yeah. Look, we’ve listened to ‘WAP’ in the kitchen before. Yeah. Because we believe, you know, Not anymore. Can’t sing it out loud. No. Can’t sing the song out loud. No, we just listened. to it. You have to listen respectfully. It’s art, it’s art. Okay. Next question. Maggie asked “if movies were edible, ^ which movie do you think would taste the best? ^ And how would you prepare it?”^ ‘The Smurfs Movie’. Oh, that’d be good. That’s a good one. That’s a good one, huh? Yes. Confit? Confit. Or, or kind of roasted over, over the Churrasco. Ah! Ooh, creative! Yeah, fancy! Hmm. ‘We bought a zoo’. That’s evil. Matt Damon would taste so good. That’s evil! Yeah. Matt Damon. I’m saying like, he seems like he’s a pretty healthy diet. You know, it’s like a grass fed cow. I feel like Matt Damon, I wouldn’t want to eat. Or anything with, with… Are we just talking about which actor we’d like to eat? No, no, no. Like the movie experience as a whole, as a meal. Oh, okay. Yeah, we bought a zoo. You get all the animals to choose from. But, yeah. Okay, I have mine, Prometheus. Oh! You wanna know why? Because like, the thought of like being in space on like another planet, like the mouth feels would be so cool. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Man. Metal. Wow. Yeah. Prometheus. Those are really, that’s, you know, good smattering of movies. Yeah. I think we have a good tasting menu. Also, yeah. All of them are really great movies too. Yeah. Great. For sure ‘The Smurfs Movie’. I still can’t believe they bought that freaking zoo, though. I mean. I’ve never seen it. Not – no spoilers, but… Yeah I’ve never seen it. Did they? They did buy that zoo. What’s that movie about? Think it was the Holocaust, right? What? Oh my God. Is it not? You always yell at me for making holocaust jokes, and now it’s okay? No, no, no. I thought they bought a zoo during the holocaust. Okay, next question. No, it’s Matt. Do you think Matt Damon would star in a hol- you’re thinking of Sophie’s choice. They deleted the zoo scene in that. Alright, next question. Christie asked,^ “Would you rather have ranch^ instead of saliva or sweat jam?”^ Oh, sweat jam. Sweat jam. Sweat jam. Easy. That’s an easy one. The tastes of ranch in your mouth all the time? No, thanks. But if I could go- Wait, what is sweat jam? So jam instead of like, when you work out, like you sweat jam. Oh, you sweat. You sweat jam. Like imagine just taking a, a piece of bread and just going. Yeah. Sounds great. I thought sweat jam was like a bodily secretion that I didn’t know about. And it was like, would you rather have ranch as saliva, or ranch as your sweat jam? I was like, what? Like this? I don’t know what sweat jam is. Like toe jam? My sweat jam is what I call the music that I played during my, nevermind. So I have a very specific, Jerry gets it. I have a very specific reason for sweating Jam, right? Because as we all know, when you’re ripping through Olympic lifts, right? Your hands get sweaty, the bar slips out, but you’re sweating jam. It’s gonna turn you into a nice sticky paste. It’s also like something called liquid chalk. Okay? You could use that. So I, I’m into the sweating jam. Question, what about – The ants would be a problem. What about when the sweat dribbles down your forehead into your eyeballs, you can’t really blink that away. So what happens when your eyes are completely covered in jam? Wear a visor when you work out. I don’t need to see to Hang Snatch, Trevor. Okay. You’re right. Yeah, you do. My fault. What if you hit a third grader? Oh, if I get a whole Olympic barbell, I’m just tornado-ing that around. I’d like to go back to the third graders. No, no, no, no, no. I’m sorry. Let’s not- Are these like the new third graders that are all hopped, all hopped up on Ritalin and red dye number four? No, no, no, no, no. Okay, because that’s like a performance enhancer. We can come back later, we can come back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Josh asked, “what root beer pairs best with steak?” ^ Mug. Barq’s. Barq’s. Oh! All switch to A & W. Okay. No, you can’t switch. I can’t believe you guys. Is that your answer? Uh, Dad’s. Next question. Next question. Quinn, asks, ^ “how much money would it take for you to go to a nice restaurant, order a steak well done, and smother it and ketchup? ^ The entire steak must be consumed.” ^ None. Zero dollars. I wouldn’t take any money. I would give you money because if I have money, then I get soft. But if I’m giving you money, my biggest hater, then that’s gonna motivate me. That’s gonna make me grind even harder. I take my first thousand dollars, boom, buy an Arby’s franchise with that, and suddenly… You can’t buy an Arby’s for a thousand dollars. No, I’d leverage it. Nicole, I’d leverage that thousand dollars to buy an Arby’s. Have you ever walked into an Arby’s? Have you ever made money before? Have you ever walked into an Arby’s? You’re overestimating the value of Arby’s. $100 can grow me 150 carrots. I sell those carrots. Plant more carrots. Buy an Arby’s franchise. Suddenly, I’m, I’m rolling in it. All right. Next question. No, a well done steak is perfectly fine. Yeah. $0 I would do it. $0. Yeah. The ketchup I would also do. Yeah, I did – jews… My Jews, we, can we talk about Jews for a second? Nicole brought up Sophie’s choice. So I’d like to bring up Jews. I did not. I grew up like not eating any rare meat, and so we’d eat well done steaks. Me either, me either. Yeah. Yeah. And if we did, all the meat was well done. That has nothing to do with Judaism. That has to do with like preference. No. The soul of the animal lives in the, in the, the rareness of the steak. What are you talking about? That’s how I was raised. We didn’t eat the whole. Next Question. The whole back half of the animal. Next question, please. I am sitting my white ass down and listening. Next question. Michael asked, “In a survival situation, ^ out of the MK crew, who would take down a horse the fastest?”^ I think Josh has something to say. I think Josh has something. Would you like to go? I think it would be Josh. Trevor. What? Who do you think it would be? I think it’s Josh. Um, who could take? Well, in a survival situation, I don’t understand why the horse is attacking us. I think that there are. I think like you need the horse for food. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you need the horse for food? Yeah. And, and transport. Like, yeah. You need to make the choice. Are you gonna kill your form of transport or are you gonna just keep foraging? If we’re talking in a battle of pure strength, obviously it’s Josh. If we had time to prepare a strategy, I think that I could. Really? I think that I could. Faster than Lilly? Yeah. So you’re talking about like preparation? What about Vi? Vi could probably do it too. organizational structures and you think you could like? Yeah, well. I feel like, I feel like I’d actually take Lilly in this. I think it’s Josh, Vi, Lilly, Trevor, Me. I have wrangled a horse before. Oh, that’s cool. When have you wrangled a horse before? I grew up in Idaho. Dude. I’ve been on a farm. I’ve ridden a horse. That’s cool, that’s cool. I’m sitting my metropolitan ass down. I’ve touched a horse once. When? Alright, Cal asks, “Who’s Tom? Who’s Tom, Who’s Jerry, and who’s the buff bulldog in the backyard?” I’m definitely Jerry. I don’t know enough. Which one’s the rat? You never watched Tom & Jerry growing up? Jerry is the mouse. I’m gonna cry again. He’s a rat. He, he’s in. This guy’s never lived. When he goes outside, he’s a rat. When he comes inside, he’s a mouse. No, he’s a mouse and he’s a little rascal, and he’s a silly little guy, and that’s why I think I’m him. Okay. You’re a silly rascal. Then who’s the kitty cat? Tom. Who’s Tom? Tom is the cat – a tom? No, but who of us is Tom? Who is on first? Nicole is the cat. Wait, are we talking everyone in the kitchen? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well cause then there’s only three. I feel bad. Should we just do us three at the table? Okay, fine. Okay, then Nicole is Tom and Josh is obviously the buff bulldog. Why am I Tom? I think. Okay, I ‘F’ Jerry, I marry Tom, and I kill the buff bulldog. Alright, Beth asked if you could wedgie any historical figure, ^ who would it be and why? Hitler. Hitler. Oh, I’d give Hitler the biggest wedgie. Up top. Boom. Um, Mao Zedong. I like him for us, a wedgie is like the ultimate corporal punishment. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? For yeah, yeah. Leopold the Second. Leopold the Second! I was gonna say that! of Congo, I wedgie the crap outta him. Yeah, that guy sucks. Stupid Belgian pants. Yeah. Go right up the crack. Herbie asks, ^ “What is your favorite smell in the whole wide world? ^ And what other smell would make you puke if you smelled it again? ^ Oh. Hmm, I have my favorite smell. A new baby. What do you mean? And how fr- how new is this baby? Like a month, like a week old. Okay. Where’s the best place to smell a baby? Head. Just- . I thought you were asking what location Arby’s. Like, should I go to like a target? The smell of a fresh- find a mom in a target? Smell of a fresh baby is the best smell. Oh, I do love my cat. The smell. I bury my, my nose like in his fur and I smell my cat. I really love him. Cause cats are, they’re antimicrobial or whatever, right? So they’re not smelly like dogs. No, they’re gross. Arco gasoline. Arco. It smells a little bit sweeter than shell, a little bit more musty than Chevron. There’s a very specific fig perfume that I really like the smell of. Ooh. Is it by ‘Le Labo’? It’s bougie. No, it’s, there’s, there’s this place in the grove that sells it. It’s like a fancy fragrance shop. ‘Diptyque’? Yes. Yeah, Diptyque. I-I have that candle. Yeah. Delicious. It’s delicious, right? It’s my, it’s my candle in my bathroom. And it’s a beautiful candle. Very good. Surströmming would make me vomit. That, that’s actually, that’s a thing that I did not have the stomach for. And I thought I would have the stomach, the stomach for Surströmming, and I do not. Surströmming’s pretty bad. Rough. Oh, poop. Poop’s pretty bad. Poop is bad. There is, um, old fryer oil like really just gives me this nasty feeling. I, it won’t make me puke, but it is one of my least favorite smells to smell. Yeah. Which is funny because I smell it all the time. Alright, Kylie asked, “this is less of a question, ^ but more of a comment. ^ Oh God. ^ Pizza Goldfish smell like fresh pencil shavings, ^ preferably ‘Ticonderoga’ brand. ^ Please test this and get back to me. Thank you. ^ I love you.” ^ Oh, what a coincidence. Bring out the pizza ‘Goldfish’. Look what we have. Oh my God, we get a snack? Frick yeah. That just brought me back to such a specific time and place in my life. Wow. I feel like you had to huff the bag. Yeah, you gotta huff the bag. Okay. How do I open this? I poured some out cause I wanted to eat them. No, I. This smells very pencil shaving-y already, before I smell the pencil shavings. Kind of tastes pencil shaving-y. No, you have too much fragrance on your hands. What? Wow. Wait. These smell more like pencil shavings than pencil shavings smell like pencil shavings. They can, they need to add pencil shaving perfume from the ‘Goldfish flavor blasted’ to the pencil sharpener to make you think more of pencils. Truly, they’re, I don’t what is the must in this? No, it’s, you’re right. What ingredient is causing that? It’s that pizza must. It’s gotta be the ‘Enzyme Modified Parmesan Cheese’. Mm. I was gonna say ‘Thymine Mono Nitrate’. Ooh. That is an astute observation that will help nobody in life. Thank you. Thank you. Alright, last question. Ryan asked, ^ “What’s your preferred way to handle long toenails?” ^ Clipping them. You, you clip? Get a pedicure. With nail clippers. You know I’ve never clipped my nails? F- What? What do you? I’m a picker. You pick your toenails? Yeah, I c- but then the problem is, here’s the thing cause you need a long thumbnail to pick. Yeah, yeah. But then I already, I pick my thumbnails. Yeah. Yeah. So if my toenails are too long, then I have to wait for my thumbnails to grow out longer. But then I forget. So sometimes you just end up, and then if your toenail gets too long and too sturdy, all that calcium and keratin builds up, you can’t get it. So then you just gotta, you gotta really dig. Well, I used a pairing knife once. You used a toe knife? Like Danny DeVito? Yeah. Bro, if you did a pairing knife, just get nail clippers. Okay. I don’t have nail clippers. Okay, okay. I’m getting you nail clippers for your birthday. I don’t want them. What we have to do is take… No, no, no. We need to get him- uh, pedicures. I don’t know if I like people touching my feet. That’s disgusting. You use a, you use a toe knife? That is so – Like Frank? Like Frank from ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’? Yeah, like Danny DeVito, multimillionaire. Now he understands the grind-set. That is so vile. This is great. Nicole, anyway, you get a pedicure. I clip. I have nail clippers. And Josh… Toe knife. That’s gross. Oh, look at that. And that’s the bell. Thank god. Oh man. You were wondering why – All of ’em. Why I have multiple pairing knives in my house, It’s not for different food-related tasks. Every, every god out there, thank you for just ringing that bell. Sometimes I forget which one is my toe knife. Alright, don’t need to talk about the toe knife anymore. The funny, the funny thing is, is now we’re gonna answer one more question because we’re gonna give someone advice. Allison T says, “I know none of y’all have kids yet, ^ but, how do I trick my children into eating food I’ve cooked that may contain things they dislike?”^ Uh, lie. Yeah, lie to them. Oh, 30 Seconds on the clock. No? Yeah. 30, you go Nicole. Oh, my. Okay, me. So, what I would do, is use your blender. Your blender is incredible. I would just add all the things that they don’t like and blend it and add some tomato like puree and then a little bit of like, I don’t know, cheese or cream. And then make a hidden veggie tomato sauce and put it with pasta. Cause all kids like pasta, right? That’s my answer. Yeah. It’s practical. Yeah. I’m very, I’m a practical young woman, yeah. I was gonna say lie or threaten them with capital punishment. That’s the one. Yeah. Corporal or capital? Corporal, corporal. Corporal is like… Corporal. Capital is like execution. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh yeah. Well? I have a lot of thoughts about this. So I, I believe that when we were raised, especially as American, in like a public school, right, as kids, all of the meats are fried and seasoned and processed, and all the vegetables are very plain and boiled. So what I think you need to do when you’re raising kids, you need to fry and process all your vegetables, and plainly boil your meats. That way you’ll trick your kids into craving vegetables and not craving meats. And you do not owe your children honesty. No. They are made in your image. You can tell them whatever you like. As long as it is in service of the greater good. Moral relativism is real. ^ Hey Josh, you said the same thing whenever someone said to cook for their husband. Did you know that? Yeah. That’s crazy, bro. Yeah, man. Josh has one opinion about food. Just the one. Trickery. The snacks that smiles back. And that’s all folks. A hotdog is a sandwich or is it? Choose your side with the “A hotdog is a sandwich” political tees and stickers available at mythical.com.