Hi I’m Bert Kreischer and my last meal would be bone broth a breakfast sandwich and scrapple a cuban sandwich a Publix sub and piccadillo S. O. S. better known as on a shingle and carbonara a bone-in ribeye and a country fried steak and a keto key lime pie for dessert. Every person has exactly two things in common. We all got to eat and we’re all going to die. Today we’re joined by podcaster stand up comedian vodka impresario and the man who once defecated in a pizza box to win an election Bert Kreischer. Welcome to the show. That is a great intro. Thank you so much. I usually have to give my own intros because people go so tell me about yourself. It’s old school radio. That’s a good one. Bert are you running for president in 2024? And what kind of box are you going to poo in to heal the class divide in America? For those who don’t know I ran for office and I took a dump on a pizza box to win the election. Do you remember the exact. I can tell you the whole story. I can tell the yeah. Well the title is really funny that you were running for. It wasn’t president. It was Worthy Keeper of the Anals. Worthy Keeper of the Anals. Fittingly Josh Young was running. I was running against him. He had a suit and tie and a laser pointer. Laser pointers had just come out and he had a five point presentation. And my buddy Brent Bracken goes you should go up. Because I used to run naked just as a joke. And he goes you should go up. I said I can’t. If I do I think I’m going to take a dump. And he was like do that. So I came out with a tie. My whole platform was I have nothing to hide. I came out with just a tie on totally naked. I looked at the group I didn’t say a thing. I turned around and there was a group the previous panel of president and everything was standing in front of behind me. So I turned around I was facing them. When I started going number two I went number one. That’s why they call it two. It’s one plus another one. And I peed all over their feet. And they didn’t know what I was doing. They just saw that and they’re like why are you peeing on us? And then the smell hit and I swear to God people jumped out of windows. It was absolute. Like the stock market crash in Black Friday? It was chaos. And then they checked the votes and I won by a landslide. Bert have you ever thought about your last meal before? Yes. All I do is think about death. All I do is think about death. I think about death every single day. I thought about it today in my sauna. I think about death way more than I should but I think it’s what inspires me to live so much. Like I’ve done more than the average person should ever do will ever do. And when I die no one should say anything other than like that guy did it. Like that guy really he got after it. And it still can’t stave off your own fear of death no matter how many experiences you rack up. Maybe I sometimes think I just don’t believe in death because then I go well it hadn’t happened to me. All right Bert for course number one we got the breakfast sandwich supreme. We got a toasted brioche bun. We got a fried egg American cheese sausage and bacon. Then if you move over here we got just a nice wedge of scrapple fried extra hard served with all your favorite condiments. Maple syrup. We got grape jelly ketchup and mustard and then some bone broth. May I pour you up? Please please. I love bone broth. Man I’m excited about that. I came late to the game on bone broth. What brought you to the game of bone broth? I had a trainer that was traveling with us and she would get bone broth and it was always so good. And then I started realizing there’s like a joy in making bone broth like once you get done making a couple like bone-in ribeyes… or like those tomahawk steaks I throw them in a pot. I put in onions carrots celery lots of garlic some jalapeño and I let it cook overnight. And then the next morning I have a treat waiting for me. Damn that’s lovely man. Well hey cheers on the bone broth. Cheers brother. There should be cocktails made with It’s so good. We got to make one. We have a bottle of Por Osos the vodka that you created. There’s a cocktail called a bull shot that I believe is just beef bouillon and vodka shaken on ice and it’s one of my favorite things in the world. If we could can we get some bowl shots lined up? I mean you don’t have to line them up but. Line them up? Holy cow. The best thing about launching a vodka is no one ever tells you not to drink. No baby this is business. As you’re naked in a Target. Your wife’s like you invested a couple of million dollars in this vodka. Keep drinking big guy. We got bottles to sell. This bone broth is pretty great. You guys made this from scratch? We did. The secret is one cinnamon stick in there for only ten minutes and then we pulled it. That’s a little aromatic in there. Really? Yeah. That’s really interesting. Tell me about the breakfast sandwich. Why is this part of your last meal? So if there is a heaven and my heaven will be making my daughter’s breakfast sandwiches that’ll be my heaven. Every morning in heaven my daughters will come in and they’ll be like let’s make breakfast sandwiches. It is my dad made me breakfast sandwiches as a kid and there’s nothing better in the world than being hungover and having a breakfast sandwich. And I drank until three in the morning last night. Eat up big guy. Now I will tell you this. I always cut a breakfast sandwich in half to see my cross section. Oh the egg squirted. The egg squirted. Look at that. That is so. Man is there? Eggs are so awesome. Let me at least get a taste Bert come on. I got to be honest with you. I bet it took them a couple months at least. Then having chickens where they like we can eat them too? We’ve just been eating these eggs. Soggy bread is so good. I love that you’re somebody who shows love through food because I remember Tom Segura telling a story about how when you and him were both broke ass comics also living next to Roy Choi before he started Kogi you would cook dinner for everybody and Tom said it was like eating at a restaurant that he couldn’t afford at. I fell in love with Food Network in 2001 and I started watching Food Network aggressively. I fell in love with Jamie Oliver. I bought all his cookbooks and I started learning how to cook through his cookbooks. I fell in love with Ming. I fell in love with Bobby Flay. Got to know Bobby Flay but it was like my favorite thing. So I got really into cooking and I just go in find a cool Jamie Oliver recipe buy all the ingredients bring it home and I’d cook. And Roy Choi lived next door to me. The last thing he wanted to do was cook because he was a chef. Tommy had no money and he was fat as crap. He loved to eat and so I would make great meals. I remember I made them beef carpaccio. Roy’s like wow this is great. This is so good. How did you make it? And I go I just got fillets. He was like. I was like I just got fillets. From Ralph’s I just. You bought grocery store meat? And then I had one meal that switched everything. I made a white chili and instead of using chilis I picked up the wrong cans and I got jalapeños. And I put twelve cans of jalapeños in there. And it was so bad. Roy went home he left. And Tom and I ate it. We were like we’re going to have diarrhea tomorrow. That’s a good one and you told Roy Choi not to start the Kogi truck? Yeah he asked me I’m thinking about quitting my job. And I was like buddy that’s a horrible idea. And he’s no no hear me out. I want to get a taco truck. It’d be my own taco truck. I can make my own meals. I can make do fusion Korean barbecue. And he’s like and I’ll be my own boss. And that way I can make money doing that. And I went that’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard. And I remember getting a call from Steve Byrne and Vince Vaughn one night and they’re like you know Roy Choi right? I was like yeah. And they’re like can you get us into his taco truck? And I was like what? And they’re like there’s 900 people here and we can’t get to the front of the line. I mean he introduced me to all these amazing chefs that are all the biggest names in the culinary world now that I just don’t remember their names. That’s incredible man. Yeah. Between telling Roy not to start Kogi and kicking an eleven times platinum guitarist out of your band in college seems like you got pretty shitty instincts. Always a bridesmaid. Yeah. Shoutout to Creed. We were in a band. Me John Dacre Ben Carter Brent Bracken. Same guy that had me shit on the pizza box. Yeah classic. But both Dacre and Bracken were like my best friends. We had a band called Giving Out Spankings and. Much better name than Creed by the way. I thought so. Equally Christian I think. And just so you know I was at the forefront of where Limp Bizkit ended up. I was going to be Fred Durst before Fred Durst and then Mark Tremonti was in our band. He was playing with us in the garage. He was so good. Me and Brent Bracken realized he’s going to realize how bad we are and kick us out. And this is our band. So we were like let’s kick him out. So we got Dacre on our side. Ben Carter was a great drummer and didn’t want to lose him. But we’re like nope majority rules buddy. You’re out of Giving Out Spankings. And he was like I’m the best person in Giving Out Spankings and then I remember they all said we should go see Mark’s new band. And I was like cool. The first show they played was at The Mill in Tallahassee on Monroe. And we went to The Mill and we had a picture of Killian and Creed played and we saw Creed and we were like they’re really good I mean. Can you imagine seeing Creed play and going like who did we kick out? I remember Ben Carter’s like we kicked out the wrong guy. But yeah Mark Tremonti was in my fraternity. He was like a transfer from Clemson or Auburn. He denies any of that happened by the way. Like we’ve reached out to try to do stuff and he’s like yeah I don’t remember that. And we’re like okay. Bert tell me about the scrapple. Why the hell is a liver mush in your meal? This is a staple of where my mom grew up. Pennsylvania is dutch country. That is where scrapple’s from. And we had scrapple all growing up and it was like a delicacy. My dad would mock it. And my mom’s like no one makes fun of scrapple. Hell yeah. That’s my one dig in. How do you eat it? I am a mustard ketchup guy. Hardcore. Mustard ketchup. I don’t really mix. I know this sounds crazy because I know that ketchup is kind of like savory right? Yeah it’s pretty sugary but ultimately it’s pretty savory. Got a lot of savory spices in there. Great crisp on the exterior. My family is actually Pennsylvania Dutch from Allentown Pennsylvania. Really? Anytime I go into Philly go birds baby. I shop at the Reading Terminal Market. I get a scrapple egg and cheese sandwich. It just delivers. I don’t know what’s in it. Mostly organs and oats and spices. I figure I drink a lump of alcohol. That’s got to be the same. Absolutely. Speaking of alcohol you’ve recently said that you get Hang-xiety that you get this fear of death when you’re hungover. You’ve also said that you have like a deep love for alcohol. We’re all stuck in this equation in life right of weighing happiness in the moment versus how long can I keep this happiness going? How do you quantify that math equation? Life without impulse isn’t really life. It’s just predictable. And then you’re just walking on this earth until you die. Like friends of mine in the business who are pretty dialed in and they go to their spot and then they go home and play video games and then I go yeah but don’t you want the razzle dazzle the sparkle of life? Don’t you want it to hit you? And then I have friends that I’ll get texts from and they’re like how great are white Russians at an airport at 8:00 a. m. But I love when you said we should do shots of I wasn’t going to drink today I really wasn’t going to drink today. But when you said that I went my heart races. I get chill bumps. It’s like a first kiss. It really is. It is nice. That’s what having a cold beer in the morning is like. The problem is with drinking and this is where I’ve run into it everyone. I’ve talked openly about my fails and wins in drinking. And when I did Fully Loaded I was 275 pounds. I was drinking. We’d wake up we’d start partying we’d eat mushrooms. We’d go rafting down the river. It was a blast. But once it becomes rote once it becomes the thing you need to get level then you got to reassess because you want drinking to complement your life not define your life. I mean there’s a real joy in sobriety. There really is a true joy in sobriety. And if you’re listening to this right now and you’re like that doesn’t make sense. No no no. Waking up sober and getting after the day having a cup of coffee getting into a polar plunge getting to a sauna putting in a workout like taking your daughter to school listening to a podcast with your wife. Like just talking and being around people there’s an absolute sincere joy to that. But it’s nothing compared to like martini with your dad you know? Like your dad’s like buddy let’s go get a steak. And you’re like oh yeah. Oh man. Like I’m gonna. Now I’m gonna drink today. Bert for course number two we got the picadillo. Now this was made by executive producer Annaliese Kassebaum’s Cuban mother. She literally dropped it off this morning. We got the plátanos. We got the rice we got the beans. We have a Publix sub. We legit overnighted the bread and the chicken tenders and the buffalo sauce from Publix. We actually had an artist hand draw the current paper they use for the sandwiches for maximum authenticity. And then. Oh my gosh. We have a Cubano sandwich from La Segunda in Tampa Florida. We overnighted all the ingredients here and then of course the bull shot cocktail. This is that soup with the Por Osos vodka. Should we just pound this? I’ll do whatever you do man. Let’s just kill it. Kill it. Whoa that’s something. That’s the best thing I ever tasted. That’s something. You know what that is? This is a skinny Bloody Mary. That’s a skinny Bloody Mary. This is like the carnivore Bloody Mary. That’s a carnivore Bloody Mary. You got to make that the official cocktail. By the way. Hold on I might need another one just so I can figure out what the taste was in that because that was really amazing. That was really amazing. Bert tell me about the picadillo. Picadillo is a staple. It is one of my favorite meals I went to all the women that worked in the kitchen were all old Cuban women and so we just had Cuban food. We had just had. Wait in you high school cafeteria? Our high school cafeteria and so picadillo was like every Thursday you’d have picadillo. It is… so much better than any presentation of ground beef you’re ever going to get. You put like bell pepper onion. When I say we I mean Annaliese’s mom. Thank you so much. The whole green olives in it make it it’s that little pop of acid dude. That’s the Spanish flair is the green olives. Tell me about the Publix sub. I’ve never been to a Publix in my life. Have not spent a lot of time in Florida but I know these are legendary. They’re legendary because they last forever and they last forever is filled with so much stuff. And the thing about a pub sub is you go into Publix you buy one and this is your meal for the whole day. You eat a quarter then another quarter then another quarter then another quarter and then you’re good for the whole day. And when you come home from the bar there’s still some left. It’s like an army ration. You just kind of keep it flowing. Everyone in Florida knows how precious a pub sub is. And it’s like our Wawas you know what I mean? So I can’t wait to take a bite. I’m so stoked for this. Oh great bread. I love the subtle flair of the buffalo chicken because you know Hooters was created in Florida. I did not. But nothing has made more sense in the world. I remember going to Hooters for my birthday. I was like eleven being like holy cow this place really rocks. They hit the nail on the head. My uncles are drunk. Like it’s good. I didn’t even know they had wings until I was 22. Did you just go there to leer? I’ll have another water. I went to a Buffalo Wild Wings. I like Buffalo Wild Wings also. Right? Like I’m a big Buffalo Wild Wings fan. I was by myself. I was in Orlando about 5 o’clock at night. I got a show at 7 o’clock. And I watch a young couple about 14 and 15 go on a date. It’s their first date. You can tell they’re nervous. They sit down and I’m going to be the guy. Okay you be the girl. And remember this is our first date. Now you are the waitress. Okay? Winnie you can play the waitress? Alright cool So all you have to do is say hey welcome to Buffalo Wild Wings. What are you guys be eating tonight? Okay now it’s our first date and this is the guy. He’s 14 maybe 15. This made me laugh so hard. Okay go. This is going to be a lot of fun. We’re going to have a great time tonight. I’m so excited to be here with you Bert. Trust me. This is the nicest place I’ve ever been to. We’re going to have a blast. Hey welcome to Buffalo Wild Wings. What can I get for you? We’ll be doing the Buffalo Wild Wings Challenge. Total bro. Total bro with a bro move. Does not know women yet. And he’s like we’re going to have a blast. We’re going to be doing the Buffalo Wild Wings Challenge. Do you think somebody like walked in through his idea for the night and he’s like here’s the thing. Buffalo Wild Wings Challenge. Somebody was like yeah maybe let’s table. He goes no trust me trust me. He went with his buddies one time. They all did it. They had the best time. And he was like bro the right girl that gets me will be doing the Buffalo Wild Wings Challenge. I kind of agree with that though. I get it so much. I enjoyed it so much. And that she had never had hot food like that. She’s like and he’s like it gets worse. It gets worse. Can we get milk? Can we get milk? And I sat there and I fell in love. I hope they’re still together. I hope they’re still together. That’s one of those horseshoe things that I would have done when I was 13. Realized that’s stupid. But then by the time I dated as adult as 27 I would have been like yeah no that’s the move. See if somebody can hang off the bat and if they can’t kick them out. Yeah. What are you doing taking a girl out on a date and going dancing and seeing a movie? That’s not stuff you do when you’re married. No. You’re not going to keep that sustained for 20 years. The mask is going to fall off. You do the Buffalo Wild Wings challenge. That’s how you know if you can have a baby with someone. Every first date should be at Buffalo Wild Wings and then you should consummate in the bathroom. I think of that so much that one moment I laughed so hard I was having a Sprite. I don’t normally get Sprites but I was having a Sprite and I was listening thinking what would they drink? Yeah. Let’s go Cubans. Lots of goodness. So this is a legendary bakery out of Tampa. We got that like crusty Cuban bread smashed down super hard. Swiss cheese. Cuban style mustard which is the best. Cuban style mustard really makes it and the pickles. The pickles make it too the crisp with the outside. If you notice how thin this bread is right here. That’s beautiful right there. It’s something I don’t think I got as a kid. I didn’t get how great mustard was. And as I grew up and started liking the finer things in life mustard showed up in a really solid way. I was like yeah man I’m into mustard. The thing I love about a cuban sandwich is the secondary crunch of a pickle. It’s so great and it’s like an older pickle. It’s like a woman going through menopause. It’s been there for a while. It’s seen a lot of stuff but man it’s still sexy. I’ve not experienced that personally but I’m very happy that you have had that experience. I had sex with a chick with menopause last night. Yeah? How was it? Awesome! Does LeeAnn know about it? It was LeeAnn. Well. Florida is very important to your upbringing. A lot of the events of your life were set in motion by the 1997 Rolling Stone article The Undergrad detailing your college experience. You were a 6th year English major senior at Florida State University. A writer comes and profiles you. You eventually drop out of school because a jealous English teacher failed you because you had a book deal and he didn’t. My question is you’re obviously very successful not in spite of that but because of that. You have a daughter in college now. Would you be okay with her making the same choices that you made? Not my oldest one. Why not her? She’s smarter. My youngest one. I get it. So you don’t think you had the potential like you were like? No I wasn’t going to be a doctor. I never had a skill set that would be useful in an apocalypse. So there’s people in this world that are meant to learn right? And then there’s people that aren’t like I actually think they should stop. We all should take an IQ test and then based on our IQ we have a limited amount of books we’re allowed to read because you don’t want dumb people trying to get smart. That’s how you get podcasts. And so what you should do is just cut it off at a certain intelligence level and let those smart people keep reading. Like what happens with dumb people is we read a couple of books and then we just tell you back the stuff we read as if we’re smart. We just read it. It’s not our ideas we’re just regurgitating ideas. If I give you a book you’ll read it and then you’ll process it and then you’ll develop it into your ideas and then you’ll present it to me. So like Georgia’s that brain. Now granted my brain’s different. Like I live in a different world where I create little things in my head and I have little dances and I think of things and promos and comedy jokes and movies and TV shows and that’s where my brain resides. But school wasn’t set up to develop that brain. School’s set up for brains like for curious people who want to learn more about the world. That’s Georgia. Ila is more like me where she’s like she’ll get to college and be like I can make dreamcatchers out of the back of a van. And I’d be like good call. Yeah you would actively encourage like hey you don’t need to take this path that everybody says is set up for you. Life is about finding your passion and doing what you love because it never feels like work and then you never feel like you’re broke. You’d always feel like in my whole life I’ve been broke I never felt broke. I knew that. I had comedy and I knew that. I love this. I love what we’re doing right now. I love doing a podcast. I love all the fun things about letting your brain expand in that way. I was not set up for book learning. I was not set up to learn within a box. That’s the thing about school is like just go there long enough to figure out what you want to do and find your passion. If it’s sailing the world if it’s creating a YouTube channel if it’s starting a podcast. I mean these are the things I’m interested in sailing to Hawaii. Listen to me. Right now. You’re probably going Bert what am I going to do with my life? Let me tell you. There are lighthouses all around the world and they are beautiful picturesque lighthouses on the great Lakes on the coast of Maine on the coast of Seattle and they’re empty. And they’re looking for an alcoholic to sit in them all day long and drink their faces off. That’s your job. Go after it. I just gave you something. The movie Van Wilder. I got to ask about that because I did not understand that was one of my favorite movies when I was a kid. Did not realize that was based off of the article about you in Rolling Stone. Except when they made the movie they got a much less attractive person to play the version of you. You said you’d never watch Van Wilder unless it was with Ryan Reynolds. Are you bringing him in? No but tell me about that. Would you sit down to watch with Ryan Reynolds? Would you like to invite him right now? I would love to watch a movie with Ryan Reynolds. Look I had nothing to do with the movie. Once you make a movie you realize anyone who stakes any claim or ownership to anything that is your project is so disgusting. So I really feel weird for I’ve ever said saying anything in the past because I made my movie and I know who worked on my movie. And if someone was like yo that machine movie Bert made I was like hold on. I watched people work really hard. So it is his movie. I had nothing to do with it. My goal was to be bigger than the movie. I never wanted to be the guy that that movie was about them. I wanted to be the guy that in a footnote in his life they go did you know that Bert Kreischer that movie Van Wilder Shut up. One of the things that I’m fascinated by is that so much of your stand up is just things that have happened to you right? You always said that you wanted to be like this edgy stand up comedian with fighting social commentary and instead you just go up there and talk about the things in your life. You’re a great storyteller but none of that means anything unless you actually have the story. How have you put yourself in those positions so many times to be able to get that material? What’s your trick? I just pay attention to things. There’s things that’ll happen that I go that would be a great bit. The hardest part is working on it on stage because it’s going to fail. Like I had a bit from Razzle Dazzle. That was my closing bit and it was a bit that the day it happened we went to an escape room for Georgia’s birthday. The day it happened I went this is hilarious. All the makings of a great all the characters are there the story’s there the anxiety the panic. No real jeopardy but really a perceived jeopardy is there. I was like this is a bit. And I never really worked on it. And then one night Georgia called me on stage. She’s like yo are you talking about that? And this kid mapped out all the ways that this is a perfect story. She’s like do you remember we went there because we wanted to watch Papa lose his shit? And I was like what? She was like do you remember when he pushed Nana into the Chester drawers? And I was like what? She’s like remember you thought you shit your pants but you didn’t really fart into Papa’s mouth? And I was like hold on hold on. Slow down slow down and it was killing on stage. And then the hard work is putting it in there like my goal now really honestly you have to sit with a notebook and you have to write down things that you don’t know why they’re good but you know they’re good and they’ll find a home. Like LeeAnn said one time we were having sex and it was her turn I guess is the best way to say that and she said this redneck goes are you going to butter my bread? And the way she said it I went. and I just wrote down in my joke book butter my bread. It’s a funny thing that someone would say in sex. And then I’m on stage the other night and this other thing had happened with us this sex thing and I’d bring it up and my brain goes butter my bread. And I was like butter my bread. Okay coochie okay. And then all of a sudden you have it but you got to do all the work to like listen and pay attention to the universe and pull in material and have it ready to be planted inside things. How often is it LeeAnn’s turn? Every time. Every time. Every time. Every time. Ready for round three? Yes I am. Bert for your next course we have creamed chipped beef on toast. I grew up with it being called shit on a shingle. We got the shingled toasted white bread and the shit which is a cream gravy with Hormel brand cream chip beef on it. And then we got a classic just a big ass mound of wet spaghetti carbonara emulsified eggs and parmesan. Big thick bacon bits. God dang. They pair so well together don’t they? They sure do. This is the American version. That’s the Italian version. This was I remember eating this as a child my whole life. This is all my mom could make. I remember burping this up playing baseball my whole life. I was going to ask if your dad was in Nam because my dad ate this in Nam and that’s what he would have said. This is what they served in the mess halls apparently. Really? Yeah and he was like a cook and he was like I would have to just heat giant vats of this and just throw hunks of creamed chip beef in there. I’ve had different people have had different versions of this. I used to grow up with these kids I played baseball with. They were baptist and they had a version of this but with like Velveeta cheese and mustard. Slop slop is the. It’s the apogee. It’s the height of food Bert. This is it. This is all we get and then we die. I wonder if I FaceTime my mom if she’d recognize it. Get Gigi on here man. Mom’s cell FaceTime and I’m just showing her the shit on a shingle. I wonder if she’ll recognize it right off the bat. What if my mom’s naked? Does she normally answer the phone naked? What did you make? What do you think it is? Shit in a shingle. That’s right. That’s right Mama Kreischer I’m doing a podcast. Hi there. Lovely to meet you. I was trying to explain. The Irish Catholic knows shit on a shingle when they see it. Yeah the Irish Catholic knows shit on a shingle when we see it. Well I’m eating it in honor of you. So this is one of my favorite breakfasts you’ve ever made. Passing my heritage on. I’m glad. All right I love you. I love you more bye. Yeah this is my mom’s go to. That was incredibly sweet man. You have so much love for your family for your wife for other people that it’s genuinely heartening to see for me like it’s incredible to just watch that modeled constantly. I’ve really invested in like I’m really close with my sisters. One of my sisters works at our offices. They both live in L. A. I talk to my parents every day. I text my girls every day or I talk to them every day and I love my wife. And I’m very dialed into this is secret but when I say goodbye to Rogan or Tommy I say I love you. I say I love you to all my buddies. We say we love each other and I got lucky to be around great people. But yeah I like good people. I’m surrounding myself with good people. That’s beautiful. Can I dish you up some carbonara? Can I put it in your prison tray? Yes please. This is really proper man. I’ve started telling a lot more of my male friends that I love them because I do and they’re super meaningful relations to me. But when I was growing up that was like non grata. Like you would never do that right? No you would never do that. Especially growing up in the 2000s. You were just like so afraid of being called gay constantly. That dominated your life. I bet that dominated your life. So many of your stories from say college are about just like men being incredibly cruel to each other but that defining the friendship. Do you think that’s changing and do you think it should change? Yes and no. That’s so good. Holy smokes. I want to get rid of the really toxic dudes. Look I’m sure I’m toxic. I’m certain I am. We all are. But I really love being a man. It’s so fun. Especially when you have and there’s like a term the bros. I love bros. I love meatheads. I love pro athletes. I love when you connect with a bro on bro shit. Like you like Tool? I love Tool. I love the low brow common denomination and look smart people get to do that with NPR and stuff. But why can’t morons do that with moron stuff? Like have you ever tried a Zyn? And you’re like no you’re going to love it. That’s bro stuff. I don’t want to lose that. Whatever happens with America and with culture and what’s happening with woke-ism or whatever I don’t want to lose boys being boys. As long as it’s not at the expense of anybody else. Right? Listen no one wants anyone to feel like shit. No one does. And if you do then you’re a bad person. I made that rule when I started doing stand up. I don’t want anyone to come here hoping to have a good time and then me to ruin their night and think of their worst thing that ever happened to them or something that’s very personal to them and I’ve done it. I’ve definitely done it but I’ve tried not to do it. And so as long as you’re making that intent then you don’t have to worry about cancel culture. Everyone knows your intense comedy. To hurt someone is not cool. That’s what bullies do. I’m not a bully but I like dudes. I like dudes too. One of my favorite things that I’ve done recently Reno Nevada. Me and all my friends we’re now 30 years old. Kyle just had a kid. We’re at this hardcore punk club in Reno that I look up and I was like guys we got to go see what’s up here. There was a one person mosh pit. Lonely dude. Me and my six bros we were like hey we got to go make this guy feel welcome. And so we all jump in there and start two stepping with him. Kind of like skanking around. And then me and my friends decided that well we should all try and see if we can hit each other in the nuts. Punching someone in the nuts is so fun. It’ll never not be fun. It is never not fun. Like that’s our book club. Bert for your fourth course I mean what else can I say? We got an 18 ounce bone-in ribeye here cooked medium rare finished with a little bit of smoked salt on top actually fried in wagyu beef tallow as well. And then we got the country fried steak baby. This is pure southern deliciousness. This is a London broil that we’ve pounded the hell out of actually crusted it in equal parts flour and Ritz crackers and then fried it topped with a cream gravy with a lot of black pepper. If you make redneck food you got to make it with the way rednecks make it. And most rednecks only have a piggly wiggly next to them. I mean you would look at any of my wife’s granny’s recipes. It’s like you need two Slim Jims a Mello Yello a thing of Now and Laters and then you will crust it in the Now and Laters. But that is using Ritz crackers is the move. You ate a ribeye every single night for a period of time. Seven months. Seven Jesus Christ. Seven months but I’m going to get blood work on Friday. We’ll see how that did but I don’t know. I lost 45 pounds doing it and I’m telling you I fell in love with ribeyes. I never was a Ribeye guy. I was always a filet guy never a ribeye guy. And I’d do them in the mornings if I had leftover ribeye I’d put I’d say eat it in the morning. Dig in. I don’t want the steak to get cold because listen man. I have a phobia about cold food. Where does that come from? How’s your relationship with your mother? Really great. Do you sleep well at night? I’m targeting my bite. I’m targeting it in a little pocket. Oh my God. The outside is the best part of a ribeye. You said something really interesting in your book that came out about ten years ago to this day. You said that you never suffered from stage fright but rather you had the opposite that you suffered from the fear of not going on stage and missing a magical moment. Do you think that your fear of death is ultimately about missing those series of magical moments? Yeah it’s FOMO. It’s just FOMO at its base is not being there when the party’s still going on is tapping out early and going home and then everyone’s like an old David Attell joke. You should have hung out man. Eat your steak. Eat the fried version of what you’ve just ate. This white gravy makes a country fried steak. This reminds me every Christmas Eve my wife makes country fried steak for dinner. You know what I made the other day which I think could be a thing? I made Nashville hot country fried steak. Jesus Christ. It didn’t taste that good but if someone did it right I bet it would be really good. I’ve deep fried a Hot Pocket and made a Nashville hot Hot Pocket and somehow I’ve never thought to do Nashville hot country fried steak. It’s so funny. You said Hot Pocket and I heard Uncrustable and I was like I bet that would be. Now we’re cooking baby. What do you think happens when you die? Well it’s got to be something magical. What do you mean it’s got to be something magical? It’s got to be something life’s too crazy and brilliant and beautiful and bizarre for us to exist in this world that’s 85 million years old for us to be here to be having these crazy conversations that people are watching and we have cell phones and all this has happened for there to be nothing? It can’t be nothing. This is too special for it to be nothing. Like it’s crazy that you get this and then it would be nothing. That’s too stark of a contrast. So you’re telling me I get to create life myself with another woman that I love and I get to build a life and I can make millions of people laugh on a daily basis and I get to spend moments in my backyard drinking in sun petting a dog and watching trees and getting high and going I can’t believe those trees were planted for me. They didn’t know I’d be. Those are my trees. Then it’s nothing? This just doesn’t make sense. Doesn’t add up. It’s got to be something. What is that something? I hope it’s like a birthday party. I hope you die and then you die and then you open your eyes again. They go surprise. Again and again and again and again. I hope it’s reincarnation. I want to come back as me again but I would never want to be someone else. Like if you could be me for a day you’d be really blown away by how cool it is. It’s really fun. It’s really fu like it’s really fun. I’m a child. I’m a 51 year old child that no one says no to. I get to do fun stuff and wild stuff and my wife’s always going to say yes. And I have a vodka company and I do a podcast with my best friend and we don’t even get ready for it. We just talk about each other’s dicks and I can do a world tour and I get to take my shirt off on stage and I can be drunk on stage and no one cares if I eat mushrooms it’s even better. If I smoke weed everyone’s like this is what I’m talking about. This is the best. I mean my life is pretty dialed in. And then you’re going to tell me that one day it goes to nothing? Come on. Tell me about the phrase I wish Bert was here and why it means so much to you. Oh I’m not going to cry. You can cry if you want to man. I have realized I just like the majority of people watching this will probably not go down in history and be remembered. But you don’t want to be forgotten. All I want is people when they’re having a good time to go. Bert would have made this so much better because that’s what I’m good at if everyone’s good at something. But if people in the future can drink Por Osos and just pour themselves a glass and be like damn Bert was solid dude. I think there are currently people right now saying damn I wish Bert was here. I think that’s happening more concurrently than you think it is and I think that’s a beautiful thing and you have affected so many lives. Right? The fact that when I tell people that we did this they’re going to go oh shit man did you take a shirt off? And I was like no. You know what I mean? But I’m saying you have that touchstone. You have affected so many people and that is so much more than 99. 99% of people in this world can say and I think there’s a hell of a lot of people that when you die they’re going to say damn I wish Bert was here. Just especially like your kids and your wife and your friends and your family. But even deeper than that. We lose a lot of people in stand up and you definitely think that about your buddies that have passed away. You definitely go like man especially when someone doesn’t know them and you celebrate them to someone that never really got to meet them. I won’t mention any of our friends names but everyone knows who we’re talking about. And when you celebrate them to each other. It’s really powerful. It’s really powerful when you remember a person… and how great they were and how generous they were and how funny they were. That’s our business is funny. And when we share funny stories about our buddies that have passed it’s so fun. And I just hope that mine is fun and that people are like this is what I think about death. I get so worked up because I know it’s real. I know it’s going to happen. I know it’s going to happen and I don’t want it to. I don’t want it to. I want to live forever. I want to just be around forever and I want to always party forever and I want everyone to always laugh forever. I just want everyone to be having a great time forever. It’s so stupid that it just turns to nothing. I can’t believe in that. I refuse to believe in that. I hope I’m a ghost and I’m just hanging out in green rooms going like what about Bert? He would have gotten shots. At the foot of my wife’s bed who’s this dude? Is it your turn yet? He looks like a selfish lover. No I will say the first time that we ever met not only did we drink together on your show. Such a great episode. It was such a great episode. An incredible time. And it was so fun getting drunk and laughing and doing all that. But the most meaningful thing to me was afterwards when you were giving Nicole and I a pep talk about it’s not the show it not the media platform it’s not the audience it’s you. You are the reason that you are successful and you are the reason that you will continue being successful. It was some of the most powerful words that I’ve ever heard in my life and it’s something that I think about day to day. So even your legacy even if it’s not everybody having a good time all the time there’s going to be bad times in life. You actually said one of the most meaningful things for me to get me through those time. So I appreciate that. No I appreciate the friendship we’ve built. I think this is really cool getting to know especially dude’s younger than me. Look I’m 51. I just found out the other day. I thought I was 52. But I like being around like this. I told you walking into this place it’s kind of cool having lived a life where I can acknowledge the past of television production and what it used to be like and then see what you guys are doing and be overwhelmed. A lot of people at 51 would come in and be like whatever I don’t give you shit. I come in and I get genuinely impressed and I love that youthfulness. I don’t ever want to get rid of it. I don’t ever want to get rid of it. I want my deathbed I want to feel young. I want to be shocked that it’s happening. I want it to happen instantly. I don’t know. Maybe attacked by a shark or something. I don’t know. I wouldn’t mind fighting for my death. That’d be cool. Yeah. I think we should bring back trial by combat. I think that’s the only thing. We’re shitting in boxes. We’re killing each other in trial by combat. Can I tell you? I think we have a show called Cancel: the Game Show right? So people that have been canceled come on the game show and then we find public penance like the letter A where we go Roseanne Barr. You’ve said some wild shit about Jews. You are Jewish. We understand that. But what we’re going to do is we’re going to cut a scar from here to here on your face so that we acknowledge that. And then you’re good. You’re good. You can say all the wild shit you want. But bespoke punishment for all the people. Yeah. And then when she says wild shit we go guys forget about this? And they’re like okay. No she can say whatever she wants. Like Kanye West. We’re like Kanye. We’re going to take both your pinkies. Listen here’s the deal. We’re going to do it on camera. We’re going to watch you go. I wish hadn’t said that stuff and we’re going to believe you then when you have no pinkies. I mean I think it’s a good idea for a game show. I don’t know. It’d be hard to do. Bert for our final course dessert and we have a keto key lime pie. Now we actually found sweetened condensed milk made without sugar with Splenda. We blended it out with some eggs. We baked that into a pastry crust. We have some Splenda sweetened whipped cream with some lime zest on top. This looks phenomenal. Oh my God. That is dense and sweet. The whipped cream is good because I’m also nervous about this. That’s good. That’s really good. That’s amazing. Sugar free. There’s a bite at the end of a key lime taste. Like. It’s almost like when you were a kid and you ride a bike and you’d skid in front of your friend and go that’s what key lime pie does. It goes like you love me. Bert are you ready to get in the lightning round? I am. Who’s the one person dead or alive you’d want to share your actual last meal with? That’s a good question. I can also make it multiple choice. Oh do multiple choice. Yeah. I’d be curious who you think. Jesus Christ LeeAnn Slash. Well it’s not LeeAnn I’ll tell you that. You spend every damn day with her. Who cares? I partied with Slash one day. He was pretty cool. I think Jesus would be a little exhausting you know? Like there’s a lot you’d say to Jesus. You’d be like hey man it’s not my thing. You’d be like well it’s a joke. And he’d be like I know but they’re all people. You’re like okay Jesus. I Feel like you’ve heard all the stories before. Like imagining interviewing someone whose stories you’ve heard before on the Internet. That’s called Bert Kreischer. Did I tell you about the time I got involved with the Russian mafia? I probably. If I’m going to do a last meal I got to say my stupid wife because no not her. Because she eats too slow. Slash. I’m going Slash. And my opening thing was hey tell me what it’s like to own poisonous snakes. You know he had poisonous snakes in his house and then there was an earthquake and they all got out. You think how terrifying. That’s how I want to die. I want Slash’s poisonous snake to crawl up to the toilet and bite my asshole. What’s your favorite Maya Angelou poem? That’s so funny. I went through a huge Maya Angelou period in my life because I couldn’t even be able to tell you but I used to read her poems when we take mushrooms I got really into mushrooms and Maya Angelou at the same time. My parents were getting divorced and I was like I’ll find my spirit in Maya Angelou. And we would get high on mushrooms and do road trips and read Maya Angelou poems and be like I get it. No we didn’t get it. We didn’t get it. Whose mom would win in a fight? Yours Tom Segura’s or the Kelce brother’s mom? Well we got to measure ourselves on this one. I would say the Kelce’s mom because she birthed two professional athletes. There’s good genetics inside there. My mom would spend the majority of her time looking for her glasses and Tom’s mom… And I love her a great woman but I don’t see her being the most agile person in a fight. I wish I had never suggested that our mom should fight because our moms are going to get their asses whipped. but I’m going with the Kelce’s mom. Yeah no that’s who I would put my money on too. I can just see her taking a punch from my mom and going that’s all you got? What song do you want to be played at your funeral? Number one is Changes by Blind Melon. I want that played at my funeral. I want Fortunate Son played at my funeral. I’m trying to think. My intro song like when they walk me to the casket is probably Ramblin’ Gamblin’ Man. And then all of a sudden doors kick up. Oh I’m going to sing my song come on. And everyone come on. I was born down by the riverside never knew fortune wheels and throw dice and everyone’s kind of bouncing right? And then you put the thing up and then they’re like everyone please take a seat. What’s your biggest fear? Death is my biggest fear. Did we talk about that today? I’m shocked my daughter’s afraid of bees. And I go they don’t kill you. What’s your greatest regret in life? Not spending more time with my kids. Without a doubt. I was too focused on making money and getting a career up and running to be present at times because I just was so worried that I wasn’t going to achieve anything and I was going to end up working myself out and not making any money. And then they’d have this loser dad who didn’t make any money and then I would regret ever making the decision to get into comedy. And I was like if I’m going to do this. I got to go full tilt. I got to get after it. I got to wake up every day with a sprint in my step to try to be the best comedian I can be. And I can only do that by working every night and getting on the road and touring. And if I have a special I need to commit six months just to the road like I was very focused on my career. And in hindsight I realized as Ila leaves for college in four months that I wish I could get those times back. I wish I could go back and just slow down and be like who gives a shit? Finally. Are you happy? I’m the happiest man you’ll ever meet in the world on a day to day basis. I wake up grateful filled with gratitude. So appreciative of every gift that’s been given to me every person that’s ever liked anything I’ve done. The idea that I can stand the idea that my blood pressure is 116 over 64 the fact that I have loss weight that I’m healthy that I can still drink. I’m so lucky to be here. I’m breathing. I’m standing. I have a pool. I have a great wife. I got great kids. I’m making more money than I ever thought I would make. And I’m loving what I do for a living. I get to hang out with new people and inspiring people and I’m the luckiest dude in the world. Bert again thank you so much man. Fantastic meal. Love the insight. If you want to deliver your last words with that camera right there. My last words. When I die whoever’s looking at me you will not be forgotten. And you will not man because you can buy the Bert Kreischer official memorial Por Osos bottle. We’re going to do a complete exclusive drop. When he dies it’s going to have a picture of his bloated corpse right here. Bert again man thank you so much. And everybody thank you so much for stopping by the Mythical Kitchen Bert tell them where they can find you. Go to bertbertbert. com see me on the Tops Off The World Tour. I am touring up until July where I shoot my special for Netflix in St. Petersburg Florida. We have added a Wednesday show and then when that comes out I’m off for nine months. I’m going to try to live a regular life. You don’t play pickleball? Pickleball kills a lot of people. What? The Mythical Cookbook is finally here. Order your copy now at mythicalcookbook. com and make any kitchen a Mythical Kitchen.