We’re giving MREs a fancy facelift, or at least some cheek filler. Today, Nicole and I are making the fanciest MREs you’ll ever see. They’re gonna be way more than meal ready to eat, they’re borderline too good to eat. This is one of my favorite things I’ve ever made here. Will we be able to turn the Mythical Kitchen into a culinary boot camp? Will adding the sex, dust, and deer antler drops give us the boost we need? God, you’re so annoying when you’re horny. Will I finally be able to recruit Nicole into Eurovision fandom? It is the only thing Josh has ever talked about that I truly don’t care about. Well make sure you’re standing in attention or you’re gonna miss this fancy transformation of MRE food. What are we doing in the car? Why do I have this tray on my lap? That’s a great question, Nicole. This is Fancy Fast Food, right? Yeah, but MREs aren’t fancy, aren’t fast food. Oh, they’re the fastest food if you’re in the field and you need a hot meal ready to eat because that’s what they stand for, Meals Ready-to-Eat. Cool. So, we are going to make a fancy MRE, and we are going to use the best MRE. This is the chili mac. Can you hold this open for me? I got you. Okay, thank you. Alright, so you’re pouring in water to activate the heating pouch. Get rid of, get rid of the sleeve. You don’t want the Hot Pocket sleeve. Not yet, not yet. Okay, it’s kind of, I feel like I’m dealing with explosives. Yeah, aren’t you not supposed to make MREs in closed environments and we’re in a car? Should we pull down the window? Cheese spread with jalapeños. Do you have like a pocket knife or? I have like a flosser. Except, yeah, I’ll take a flosser. I don’t have the flosser. I have the top to an earbud. That’s all I have. God! The GoPro broke. Our camera fell. Look at all these people watching us. It smells weird in here and that’s too much. Oh, this is a delight. This is just congealed queso. Okay. Teriyaki beef stick. Open this please. That’s pretty good. That’s delicious. Oh, we don’t need to eat that actually. They also give you Twizzler Nibs. The freeze dried coffee. Creamer. Can I have it? It’s so good. It’s so mechanically separated. It is really good. How else are you going to separate your beef parts? What? I’m trying to figure this out. I don’t like it. You don’t like it? I’ll swallow it. This is a part of mental fortitude, right? Okay, now we basically have Gatorade. Okay. Okay, can you help? Okay. So, you’re supposed to do this by yourself? In like, in like the jungle? You know, I don’t think we’re active in a lot of jungles right now. Just close it and shake it up. Oh. To avoid a burn, beverage, heat. Six minutes. I don’t think you’re supposed to heat this. No, you can’t. I think this would be like if, Jesus, not in the car! This is smoking now, this is smoking. It’s smoking! Oh my God, I need an adult. We need to eat it, we need to eat it. I’m gonna pass out. Josh, we’ve been in here for too long. There’s 12 people. I need more cheese spread. I’m gonna eat this little poppy seed cake really quick. This is the worst way to drink a Gatorade. Now that it’s smoking hot and on fire. We can’t make a better cake than this. This is incredible. It’s smoking hot and on fire. Do I just reach out? We could not make it better. This is already fancy. This is. Okay, I wouldn’t put my hand in here and if I get maimed just know that I loved you, hand. Have you ever wondered why you’re the only one that gets maimed in the Mythical Kitchen? Because I live dangerously. How many maimings have you had? I can’t talk about it legally actually. Okay, I’m scared of this so i’m just gonna throw this steaming bag out. Yeah, just pull the pin and throw it. There you go. That’s smart. Only, this part’s hot. Go over here. Go over to this pocket. I’m gonna go to. That is what it is. I’m just gonna go get it. It is what it is. The bones in here are good. There’s bones? No, not, well, there might be bones kind of. But, I’m saying like the bones of this dish. It has bones! Should we get to cooking? I have a lot of regrets. I I want to eat that raw. It looks so good. Nicole, I’m gonna eat some raw. I really don’t think you should. I want to eat some raw. We got this fresh, right? Probably not. Oh, it’s already in my mouth. Okay, what does it taste like? Dude, that’s actually really good. Do you know what it is? It’s elk meat, right? Yeah. That’s actually fantastic. What’s the difference between elk and moose? I’m looking for knowing eyes around here. Who is, elk. James is making a signal. This is. Where I’m from, the moose is the one that you don’t want to trifle with if see it in the road. The elk you can hit with your car, the moose, your car hits. Thank you resident, resident Toronto native James. That’s cool, that was cool. I never knew you talked like that. We got some ground elk meat right here. I said we wanted to use some game meat, we’re using game meat. Trying to make this nice and lean and healthy. Nicole, tell them about what’s in that jar. Oh my gosh, it’s bone broth, buffalo bone broth from Erewhon. Did I do a good job? That was pretty good. I just drank from it. Pretty good. Oh my gosh, you can make little elk balls and suck them up. That’s delicious. Yeah, it’s really good. I love that the same place that makes Hailey, Boobers. Hailey Boober’s $20 smoothie. – I’m gonna. – You’re making an elk chili right now. Yeah, I’m basically making elk chili. I’m very excited about this I’m very excited to be making a fancy cheese spread because I love a good cheese spread and so we’re gonna take some mascarpone It’s gonna be fancy, huh? And we got some other fun stuff. We’re doing crème fraîche. Cafeteria fraîche. Of course, crème fraîche. We’re taking some truffled mayo here. Love some mayo. We’re effectively making like a pimento cheese kind of. This excites me. For, I love pimento cheese. We have some grated Gruyère right here. There has been a fair amount of chatter about how the Vitamix is not going to work to make this happen and I feel strong that it is. I’m going to take some white truffle salt and toss it in there. Nicole, come on. We got, we got to be able to riff. Cooking’s like jazz. I don’t understand it. The meat’s really gray. Well, just put it on the hot burner. I’m sorry, the meat’s really gray. We have one burner that works. Just put it on the one burner that works. Josh. We’re not having this fight right now. Would you consider yourself the lieutenant of Mythical Kitchen? It’s pronounced “la-tenant”, if I learned anything from Inglourious Basterds. There you go! Now the cheese is working in there! You just gotta bash it a little bit! Cooking’s fun. Does it taste like handy snacks? Yum. Oh, it’s beautiful. It’s kind of lovely. It’s really delicious. Should I just keep blending it? Yeah, you should also blend up the jalapeños. I think I want to add those in chunky and fresh. Oh, I see. Okay. You know, add a little crunch to it. I’m loving the direction. Ooh, that is really quite spicy. That’s very delicious. How’s your, how’s your, food going? – Gray. – Still F-ing gray. Holy smokes. – You’re trying to tell me? – Literally, holy smokes. You’re trying to tell me, bourbon smoked this paprika. A member of the. Alright, I’m going to slam this. Crank it. There we go. You want your blender to work for you. I’m going to add this bone broth. I’m going to add also. I’m really trying to blend this cheese with a spoon. I’m going to add these crushed tomatoes as well. Yes. It’s good? You do a good job? Making you hit the stanky leg. Ow, oh my knee. Oh my God. Oh my God. Are you okay? I’m so old. I’m so old. We need to institute like nap time in the middle of cooking. Are you kidding me? The stanky leg without my knee buckling. You know, I’ve been napping at work almost every day exclusively for five years. Can I address something really important right now? When you create a cooking show, that’s been going on for now like four or five years, depending on when you’re watching this video. Our knees are gonna get worse. Yes. Our minds, we’re gonna get mentally weaker. Oh, 100%. We’re gonna start looking, whereas our bodies are decaying. Yes. As you’re watching us live, it’s what Guy Fieri has been able to accomplish. Eating all that stuff across America and still being upright and walking. Incredible. This has to come up to a little bit of a boil. Then I’m going to add the cavatappi and call it a day. Then we can move on to the other part of this video. All right. All right. Hey, Josh. Hey. You know, you and this, this fruit has something in common. What’s that? Well, it’s, look at the name of it. Ugli fruit. We are both “ugli” successful. I was gonna say, you are both unique, rare, and lovely to work with. I thought that was an acronym. Just kidding! You’re ugly! No, I’m just kidding. No, you’re not ugly. I will say, when I grew up, I really beat the odds in becoming this attractive. I will say that. Not that I think I am, but like, you know what I mean? Like, I was destined to be a lot uglier than this. It’s a hybrid of a grapefruit, a Seville orange, and a tangerine. It’s also called a Jamaican tangelo. It’s really, really sick. Is this a tangelo? A Jamaican tangelo. A Jamaican tangelo. So, but it’s also crossbred with a grapefruit, but it has these like beautiful, almost pomelo like, pips in it. Yum, yum. It’s an incredible fruit. Huge like citrus tendrils in there. Then we got the biggest citrus fruit, we got the littlest citrus fruit. – Little! – We got little quats. So I put the quat in, kumquat. I put, no. What part are you putting in, Nicole? I’m gonna cut these into little rings. Then we’re gonna candy the rings. Do I still have the ugli sticker on me? The one I put on you, or? This face card is like a 9 year old debit card where the magnetic stripe is definitely worn off and sometimes at Rite Aid you gotta put it through 6 times. So, does it really decline? No, but sometimes it does decline. They go, do you have another card? And I go, this is the only face card I have. Have you heard Selsun Blue’s new jump style track? It’s just like so crazy. It’s so crazy. Josh is really into Eurovision right now. It’s all he talks about. Yeah, okay, so. And let me tell you something. I’m not the, go, go. Let me just tell you something. It is the only thing Josh has ever talked about that I truly don’t care about. Which pisses me off. Europapa by Joost Klein from the Netherlands, Nicole. Bring back Dutch hardcore onto the main Eurovision scene. Before Eurovision Song Contest finals scene. Shoutout to Alyona Alyona and their beautiful song Maria & Teresa. What are you doing? I’m cutting my GD quats. Have you told the people that? Yes! I’m cutting the GD quats. Guys, if this is too fancy for you, then head over to sporked.com and see what the best thing they ate this May was. Because chances are it’s not gonna be fancy little quats and poppy seeds. It’s gonna be, I don’t know, frozen taquitos? Sporked filled with Eurovision fans. Jordan doesn’t like to watch the songs before they happen, whereas I’m following all the live betting odds. And I think after, the first rehearsals, right, from Switzerland, with their beautiful song, after they showed their staging, they dropped out of the betting odds again, and I think that was kind of strange. I love Rim Tim Tagi Dim, but I thought Nemo’s staging was beautiful. Josh. I have special interests. What are you doing? Do you have cake in there? I made a lemon poppy seed cake pretty much, but a yuzu at ugli fruit one. And I’m just gonna smooth this out and pop it in the oven, and it’s gonna be so darn gorgeous. Can I eat all the quat rinds? Yeah. It’s better than calling them kum rinds. Yum, do you want to lick the thing? That’s actually really good. Oh, so what we’re doing here we’re candying the kumquats, we’re just going to boil them in a simple syrup solution for like 10 minutes, get them all coated in sugar, and it’ll actually sort of like boil through the rind, it’ll get nice and soft, and then we’re going to put that on top after it bakes? Yeah. Right before it bakes it’ll dry out too much? No, we’re putting it on the cake, like we’re soaking the cake once it’s baked. Josh, you’re the host. You have to pretend like you know. What? We’re gonna take the candy kumquats. After this is baked, we’re gonna use the candy kumquat liquid, almost like a cake soak. We’re gonna ladle on top there, and then we’re gonna shingle on the quats. Yeah. Okay, I’m gonna put this in the oven. The hell was that? Hey! What are we doing now? I was trying to decide if this is the dumbest thing we’ve ever made on Fancy Fast Food. I think it is. No. We’re using something called Sex Dust. Nicole, we’re using deer antler velvet drops. Do these things make you H-O double hockey sticks? Holl? Do these things make you holl? Can I eat the sea moss? Wait, I still want to talk about. Fudge! Are you okay? Yeah, I don’t think I should put that in my mouth, it’s pricking my fingies. It’s okay, we’re gonna strain it. What do you do with it? What do you mean? Wait, I still want to talk about the sex test. Is this gonna do something to my, to my body? Is it gonna make me feel things? It’s, you have to be activated in a different way you don’t just. I don’t want to feel that way at work I think it’s weird. I think it’s weird. I don’t think you will if I’m being honest. Okay, so we have dehydrated Seville oranges right here. Then we have a bunch of dehydrated rinds of like cara cara, blood orange, other citrus in there. This is the wildest product. Is this like safe to use? Are we cool with this? Why not? Can I just take a whole thimble full? No, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah. I think that’s enough. Something turned into a powder that shouldn’t be turned into a powder. It’s literally just the thing plus maltodextrin, which is like tapioca starch. It’s just maltodextrin. Which is good, that’ll help actually emulsify everything in here. Ooh, I like it. That’s pretty upsetting, I don’t like that at all. Ooh, I like it. That’s terrible. That tastes bad. Stop doing the, what do they call them? No, lick and dips. Lick and dips? Lick and dips? Little packets of powder, and you just like. As little children, it was weird that we did that. Do you mean Fun Dip? Fun Dips. Josh, you had? I think I had off brand Fun Dips called Lick and Dips. Can somebody look up Lick and Dips? Every childhood story just depresses me more and more and more and more. Yeah. You know, all childhoods are different. Some worse than others. What are you gonna do? I don’t like this episode anymore. Me either. This episode’s just. I miss when we were making chili. Yeah, me too. So we’re just taking the freaking antler of deer. It’s weird. It’s all weird. I don’t like this. We’re gonna. It’s like a weird. Can we at least cut this with the original Gatorade powder from the MRE? No! It’s gonna taste bad. Josh, why did we? I love our vision here. I love our vision and what we did, right? We wanted to make a functional tactical beverage here, so that’s good. A tactical bev. Give you the energy you need. The Sex Dust is chocolate flavored. Oh, chocolate and orange is delicious together. We have a $30 bottle of water here. It’s like nanoized, passed through a filter. Can you open it? I’m not strong enough. Do you remember when the real housewife was trying to sell like black water? Oh, that was a housewife that did that? That was one of the Real Housewives. – How do you know? – Not one of those fake housewives. How do you know about the Real Housewives? What? I grew up right next. No, in here. In here. – In here. – I wanna drink it. I grew up next to the original Real Housewives of Orange County. Oh my God. I love the Real. I would play against their sons in basketball and me and my best friend, Deep, would watch the episodes of Real Housewives of Orange County so we could get dirt to talk crap to Colton Keough. Oh, that’s so. That’s so screwed up. Colton, I’m sorry you didn’t deserve that. You were a good player. That’s actually highly screwed up. But also the, I will say the best season. Deer antler is the only mammalian organ that will regenerate after removal. Oh, man! Oh, man! I’m gonna drink it. I’m gonna drink the deer. No, not yet. It needs to be together. It needs to be a tactical bev. Josh, is that Josh, it needs to be tactical. You’re not being tactical. I’m ripping the deer antler. It’s gonna make me all virile like a deer. I made a little mistake. I need the deer antler poison to kick in. So I can figure out how to deal with this mistake. Cause right now, I’m not clear a head. Let me, let me dry scoop some Sex Dust. Oh my God, please stop. God damn it. Josh is mainlining Sex Dust everybody. Nicole, we got the elk chili cooked and you have your beautiful Sex Dust, deer, orange juice over there. Yeah. We got the lemon poppy seed cake. We’re just gonna put the candied quats on there and we got our beautiful cheese spread. I think we’re ready to eat. Oh, it tastes like sex. What’s up, Josh? The slop is slopping. We gotta vacuSeal everything. We’re eating out of pouches. I know. It’s pretty crazy. I love vacSealing things. Fancy pouch food. That’s what this day is about. We got our cheese spread. That’s looking great. The candied quats on the cake. What a shingle. I noticed your Raincoast Crisps. I call them raincoat crisps. I don’t, with all due respect to the Raincoast Corporation, and Leslie Stowe, I don’t like that they put whole cranberries in their crackers. I have an alternate cracker pitch. Nicole, you may have noticed crackers in my pocket. These are the fanciest crackers I know. Are they the Club? These are Keebler Club Crackers. Yeah. When I went to a little fancy party, a little holiday party as a kid. They would keep the Club crackers. These are the best crackers I’ve ever had. I would like to eat these. Okay, do whatever you want. I mean, when you’re. Are you still gonna eat the raincoat crisps? Absolutely. Nice. Well, can I tell you? You just want a whole piece of fruit in your cracker? Josh, yes. Also, I don’t think I did this right. What is happening here? I don’t think I did this right. We’d have to seal it. I can use a bench scraper. No, I’ll suck it out. – I’ll suck the cheese out. – No, no. Please, please. Okay, that deer antler’s working. I know. Can you smell it on me? Can you smell the pheromones? Yeah, you’re, you look more, masculine? Thank you. I think I am kind of the pinnacle of masculinity and a lot of people look up to me, as such. I feel pretty good about what I’m doing. What are you doing? Putting the slop in the pouch. This is this so awkwardly. That can describe 90 percent of Mythical Kitchen episodes, so I’m putting this slop in the pouch. Let me help you. Oh, well, that’s the wrong size slop. It’s a pouch, buddy. What? That was for the lemon poppy seed. What do you mean? That’s for a slice of lemon pop. That big one. Where are we putting the slop? Where’s the slop pouch? In the big one. In the really big one. This is a good sized slop pouch. Okay. I feel good about this slop pouch. You can get a lot more slop in this pouch than you think. Hold on. Hold on. Keep it steady. Okay, I’m gonna leave now. No! Don’t! No! You can’t leave the slop pouch. Okay. Well, I’m going to solo on the slop pouch. It worked. It worked. – I can get one little thing. – Please clap. Thank you. Okay, so we’re garnishing the slop pouch. Oh, what is this, Josh? A little bit of parsley, a little bit of shrimp chowder. Nicole. Is this supposed to be fancy? Yes! Can you please seal it for me and finally believe in what I’m doing? Oh, my God. This is gonna be so, oh, my God. I’m sick already. This is your bag of slop. Is this what you wanted? What if I said yes? That’s exactly what I wanted. Josh, you frustrate me, you know? You know, for all the good you do on Earth, you also really do bad. This is, when we, when we were talking about this episode. Yeah, And we decided that we were going to do chili mac, this is exactly what I imagined, and exactly what I wanted, and exactly what I currently want to eat. So, I’m sliving right now. So you’re, is that slaying and living? Is that slaying and living? Yeah, that’s slaying and living. Did you just mock me? You did not just mock me in the kitchen, did you? Yeah, slice it to your heart’s content. I’m just gonna. Gingerly. Very good. I don’t want to eat all the food. Josh, shush. Please? Josh, have some. I’m gonna scream. Josh, have some respect. Sorry, matie. Tiger got out of the cage there, or the deer got out of its antlers. God, you’re so annoying when you’re horny. Shut up! Shut up! I think I cut it too short. Let me do it. I can do it! We can just cut through this, right? We got this, we’re gonna seal it. You know what we’re gonna do. Come on, come on. Look at our fancy sop sack. This doesn’t look too fancy, but. When we cut it open it is. But Nicole, before we do that, we gotta taste the original MRE again to see how this lives up. Does this make anybody uncomfortable? It makes me too comfortable. All right, here is the OG MRE. Let’s scoot all this over, shall we? Just by myself? Okay, zero help. So, what are we gonna try, the chili mac? The chili mac, yeah. Both look pretty equally. Alpo esque. Nah. Nah. Not the best. I don’t like that at all. It’s not pleasant. I’m not having a good time. Just lick some cheese off. Okay. That can be tough to beat. That’s got that Easy Cheese realness to it. That’s good. See, that’s the saving grace. Alright, cake. Got that cake, cake. Cake, cake. You want to put your name on it. Jesus, that is metallic. I will say, very good. The cake’s nice. The cake is really nice. Super hydrogenated, oily, but it serves its purpose. Do you want to take a sip of the fit Gatorade? I’m okay. Okay, me too. I know what it tastes like. Same. Where do you want to start on this? I think we’ve got to start with our health tonic. Come on. More deer antler. The deer antlers, man. Going crazy. It’s actually not that bad. Yeah, it kind of tastes like something you would buy from one of those juice places. Literally, it tastes like Erewhon. Or like you go in and the girl got like the dreadlocks. But it’s like, I know you grew up with a trust fund. I’m into that. That’s actually really good. This sack of meat is atrocious. This is one of my favorite things I’ve ever made here. This is gonna be delicious. I can’t get it, I’m trying to spear. That’s so good. Wow. There’s the elk, but like, the sharp cheddar in there, the smoked paprika. Oh my God. That, the bourbon smoked. The elk is like a super clean flavor in here, this is one of my favorite things we’ve made. Delicious. – Who would’ve thought? – How long was this in the sack? Can I Go-Gurt it? You can do whatever you want. Oh, be careful. You didn’t cut it right. Here, I have a better idea. You want to do it with this? Because I can cut the edge off and it will give you more Go-Gurtableness. Yeah, I need to Go-Gurt something. Because I’ve made Go-Gurt. Okay, okay, I’m going, I’m going, I’m going. Here. Go for it. Okay. Wait, hold on. Let me get a cracker. Josh, can you just try this please? Josh, stop. I brought pocket crackers I hate. I don’t like these. These are too crispy. Did you eat the whole thing in one bite? No. I’m a lady. That hurt. James is holding his headphones because it’s loud. What do you think of the cheese spread? It’s pretty dang delicious, and it’s a dead ringer for the one we made. It really tastes about 8 percent better. It’s crazy. Are we Go-Gurting dessert? No! It’s too, it’s too gorgeous to Go-Gurt. The fact that we vac sealed this with the cake soak has made it incredibly dense in a way that I’m pretty excited to try. I know, I’m excited. Oh, that is a texture that I’ve never seen before. I’m so excited. That’s really cool though. Oh my God, I’m so excited. It almost looks like baklava. Dreamy. Dude, the flavor’s nice. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. – So good. – Oh, my God. Wow. Do we have any more of those candy quats? No. Give me that kum candy. Can you imagine people eating this artisanal poppy seed cake, like, out in, like, the field? Like, not necessarily for, say, an entire nation’s military. However, if you got some, like, weird security guards, you know, down at, like, a country club that want to feel like they’re doing something. This is probably a pretty good option for them, you know what I mean? Wagyu beef stick. Like you have those kids in high school who got weirdly into airsoft? What? Airsoft? You know, like paintballing, but they like dress up in all the gear. We didn’t have those in my school, I’m sorry. Josh, how much did all of this cost? 173 dollars and 48 cents. I will say most of it went into this and most of the price is coming from the deer. Yeah. Not the elk that’s in there, but just the deer antler in there. Yeah. I’m taking that home. And if you see me looking super jacked and virile in upcoming Mythical Kitchen episodes, you know exactly what it was. It was hard work in the gym, just like Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Thank you so much for stopping by. I’m sweating a lot. Do you think it’s because of the deer antler or the Sex Juice? I think it might be a combination of both. You want me to start doing push-ups? Go ahead. Oh, oh, be careful, be careful. Check this out, check this out. Wow. Okay. Wow. Oh my God. Wow. I We’re wired up now, baby. Hey, have you ever wondered what the best things to eat in a month are? Well, Sporked has you covered. Head to sporked.com to find out what the best things they tasted in May were.