see this yeah look look do this try to keep your legs as straight as you can what you feel it why it was loose all right here we go do we talk at the camera like that’s what I’m just saying like micro so we’re going to talk right there and then Tanner’s buddy you’re gonna look right in there and then that’s me that’s you you know what just look at me look you look weird as hell but you always do you got your hair in your face well it’s a shield action here we are on the precipice of an amazing shopping spree it’s a heist of sorts you hear that dog this is being documented for a potential direct to HBO release and I’ve got my ex-stepson Tanner here who will remain silent I don’t know everything’s gonna be shot and then they’re going to fix it later Tanner is going to give you a blur job we are currently standing on the precipice of one recently deceased Mr old man Morgan’s house Mr old man Morgan uh he’s a rich man in town he has he’s died and um there’s going to be an estate sale before that his three children are going to come in they’re going to pick over everything but we are going to pick over everything before that and we’re going to bring you along on the ride of a lifetime in search of the brown Diamond apparently it’s worth a million dollars and that old man has got that thing in there welcome to our little Adventure um I am so glad I stretched Sandy I took unpaid time off from this we have a big sale at McNiel Sports balls going right now look at this you get one big kickball get our biggest kickball you get three of the smaller kickballs I came up with a thing give me the wire I’m missing the commissions so maybe this is the one we need to cut it might be the main power we got to find is that we got to find some sort of security wire you get the right thing no noise I’ll go down look at horse he’s already contributing to the project hey hey y’all what are you doing excuse me we are here ain’t nobody here putting my nuts on the coffee table I’m using my nuts to play the piano this is for HBO so just yuck it up a little this is our place uh-huh this is our house right there right that’s right yeah rest in peace Morgan you wouldn’t rub your balls on on something if you if it wasn’t if it wasn’t yours and you this is it’s like we were like this is this is for this for us today this is it for Mr Morgan anymore look at this right there yeah oh look at that hold on look at that that’s a cherub damn okay all right I should I couldn’t get it I didn’t see it clearly I didn’t see it now I see it I feel bad enough could you take it could you cut that out I don’t want that in there I’ve seen this in the movies you hit the right one and what are you doing a door will open somewhere you see any blood actually you’d most likely see when somebody dies they let their bowels loose everywhere we’re going to divide this place up into a grid and then go in a southwesterly rotational motion so as to make sure that we can cover every square inch of this domicile in Search and eventual finding of the diamond of brownness well you know we’ve got we’ve got to fuel up we gotta fuel up here you can food is fuel what do you think I got in here I got everything that we need to get into put it together nutrition I don’t even know it’s like you’re speaking another language okay brought your thing here two percent there you go three Jolly Ranchers for glucose good God and I got great because I know that’s your favorite flavor put all three in oh yeah I’m gonna put all three in remember in kindergarten I bring that big old bag full of Jolly Ranchers and you take it you take all the great ones out because that’s your favorite flavor I like a good grape well it’s you know it’s my favorite flavor too is that right yeah Italian yeah I like them too hmm okay now we move on to um this is seaweed’s got iodine in it protects you from radiation in case anything goes wrong with Sharon Harris which is about 30 miles from here just take care of that of course I ain’t eating this you’ve ever seen somebody get radiation poisoning no you do not want to see it don’t look don’t do definitely do not Google it yeah don’t you feel better no tastes like I’m having cunnilingus with the ocean man I don’t like the way you put things sometimes okay hey Tanner you talked to your mama lately she say anything about me just nod your head the next step is a um Tijuana Mama Pickle Sausage wrapped up in baloney I call it a protein rocket strawberry yogurt for probiotics go straight to your brain and to finish it all off two to one ratio Mountain Dew to V8 I call it Mountain eight well but you know what I forgot the most important step one teaspoon of black strap molasses the search continues actually the search starts the search starts each one of these charms on here represents something that I’m that frightens me uh you see that horseshoe right there Sandy and I love to go down to the lake uh he loves to play horseshoes and we were down there and some kids just took the pole you know and he was like can you stand in and beat a pole and I you know I was like sure first my shins got beat up pretty bad and then he he was getting a little tipsy and through one a little bit High this whole that whole side of my all of my teeth are fake on that side so I don’t I’m not a big fan of horseshoes how to get pool look at her whoops you see this one right here is a crab see that crap I’ve never made love to a woman I’ve had the opportunity once and it was um one of those topless maids uh Sandy got me for my birthday my 30th birthday it’s not that I didn’t want to but she was doing such a good job of cleaning it I didn’t want to interrupt her she said for an extra hundred dollars I’ll polish your doorknob and I got the message but uh you know even if you wear a condom even if you wear two condoms you can still get several STDs including crabs because those they’re in your pubes so that represents my fear of sexual intercourse I do like the idea of it though my nanny she’d always said boy you like the plunder boy you like that’s what she’d call it when I would go through all of her drawers cut out that part about me going through my Nina’s drawers I don’t want people think I go through my ninny’s drawers she called me Cricket legs for the longest time then she started calling me Cricket because I had this thing where I just rub my legs together like a cricket it got to a point where I had a lot of chafing a lot of chafing Sandy’s he’s a passionate guy you know it’s sort of like he’s he’s moving it fast forward and the world’s moving in slow motion you know sometimes I mean I feel like if if I had his as many thoughts in my head as he does I get frustrated too you know and he’s he’s been through a lot a lot of people don’t know this but um you know his mom and daddy had a a dairy farm when he was born and he was a real difficult baby um he was just biting things pissing on things he’d everywhere and uh they you know he’d take his diaper off and on things and his daddy just just left because he couldn’t handle it and his mom was stuck with that dairy farm and that little baby little 18 month old Sandy and there was one time she was out there just milking a cow she’d keep him on the side in a little stroller or maybe a little playpen or something while she was doing that she’s milking a cow and she just up and died we don’t know what it was they couldn’t afford an autopsy or anything like that aneurysm stroke I don’t know but real sad she died anyway 10 days later the authorities show up and they find well they find her she’s dead 10 days dead and they find a little Sandy just as fat and happy as an 18 month old boy could be walking around he had been suckling that heifer himself and that’s one of that’s one of the reasons I keep this bag for him because I this is the most utterly Camelback that I could find full of milk see I think I see that it’s just like a teeth but sometimes when he’s when he’s going through a difficult time and he’s getting short with me like he just did I the thing I remember is that boy was raised by a cow for a week and a half I got a landscape business by day I’ll cut your grass for free I cut many people elderly people um Down and Out people I’ll I’ll cut the grass for free because I just I love it and they know that I’m coming because I’m I’m riding my snapper right down right down the middle of the road I love cars but I can’t legally drive them I will not take a test I will not take a LSAT I will not tank a STD test I will not be tested um so without a driving test you cannot have a license and drive on all the police know me food you know what I should I should probably get to help him he sticks out on the crowd don’t he he’s uh he’s a handful he’s weird he’s weird as I’ll get out but uh he’s the only one I got honestly so uh he’s a good boy he’s a fart smeller I mean a smart Feller and hey could you make a bowl out of him yeah this one’s a puzzle piece oh you may notice my puzzle tattoo it’s just a little signifier of how much I’m into puzzles Sandy was dating this girl he was a real smart girl who worked at a college she uh at the convenience store at the college and he was trying to impress her uh with puzzles and he well which meant that he would get me to do the puzzles I glue them together and I give them to him and he give them to her boy am I into puzzles I am so smart at making puzzles 500 000 we did a thousand piece puzzle and fifteen hundred five thousand and then we went to five thousand piece I believe one time I did a 25 000 piece puzzle and then he got me a 50 000 piece puzzle and uh I hold myself up in the attic and I I started in September 2012. finished at about Easter 2013. I got down to 130 pounds but I finished it uh and then he had broken up with her around Christmas and this commemorates that here we go though nothing well this is an apple because I’m scared of Mac computers because I find them too beautiful this is a hot air balloon because I’m not scared of being in one I’m scared of one coming down on me this is Florida because I’m scared of peninsulas because there’s only one way out damn it to hell how hard is it to find oh god this is my only charm that’s not associated with the fear it’s an American flag in the shape of a heart given to me by my best friend at work in the Neil’s Sports balls Brandy she gave it to me because she knows how much I love America that’s a shiny thing but it ain’t no diamond company always told me I want more of the it’s my favorite country I mean I’ve never I’ve never been to another country but I don’t want to go I horse horse is not doing oh this is cool pool when you had a diamond in a pool pocket probably not look at this Mr Morgan with a fine guitar you know Sandy and I used to used to do a little singing you know what I’ll sing you a song that that we wrote and performed for the high school talent show got us runner up okay all right I can’t find a diamond I can’t get Connie back and I can’t make a movie this is all how does the crow fly clouds is my greatest wish [Music] but I don’t speak fish I’m still look inside a man’s body [Music] I’ll never fly so I’ll just do karate inside this man’s body [Music] how you doing pooch I’m scared I’m still scared you know what let’s just go man let’s just go you sure yeah I don’t even think it’s here I shouldn’t have drug you into this anyway oh okay it was fun well hold on a second Sandy horse look at this door it’s time to go no we haven’t been in here look what the [Music] good Lord yeah that’s a secret room yeah look at this last will and testament holy I don’t know about you but I think we should put that DVD in this TV hell yeah if you are seeing this it means that I am dead the manner of my death is not important what’s important is that I had a long and fruitful life and you remember that I like this guy and now to the business at hand my dear children Frank Francesca and Frankie I remembered him I trust that you are pleased as punch that I finally bit the Dust if it’s any consolation I never liked you very much either but I did love each and every one of your mother’s Francesca the most oh obviously and Frankie’s the least of course now that during the late 1970s I was traveling across Vietnam working underground to advise the few North Vietnamese holdouts on how they could restart the war that’s what I found it Moon yes an artifact of such beauty and wonder that I had to have it I’m sure you have never seen anything like it because they don’t sell this sort of thing at Walmart but inside you’ll find a treasure at the heart of the Baha moon is an enormous Brown Diamond Brown you were right according to my latest issue of gems and ammo magazine it is currently worth 1.4 million dollars significantly more when you are watching this yes to realize the value of the bahao Moon you must solve this riddle to be shared between three the heart must not be free but the damage is done if the heart is given to one good luck and may God rest my soul here yeah it’s here we gotta find that boom Randy Randy hey y’all hey what’s that camera doing why do y’all have cameras did you tell her uh yeah I tell Brandy everything Brandi I tell you everything I wish you wouldn’t your breath smells like cheese I told you I told you we were what we were doing why are you here you can’t tell me about no Brown Diamond think I’m not gonna go get it she’s got the diamond hey no I don’t know tickle monsters you quit I got the diamonds yeah I got it I got it go pretty boy you got soft hands I’m stuck welcome to my world genius I’ve been stuck here for a while I know what’s going on I know what’s going on it’s the riddle it’s oh omay Morgan said uh uh share between three that means I gotta put my hand in too and I think we’ll be able to get it out okay okay I got it I got it put it back get out of here put it back inside oh I get it now this whole thing is a booby trap if one person takes out the diamond the other two people get gassed oh who’s in hell I was in hell you smell like we figured it out if one person takes a diamond out the other two people get gas but then we gotta take the diamond and you gotta just walk out of here screw you pretty boy I’m walking down here that Dan Thomas no no no listen you gotta let go of the diamond we all gotta let go of the diamond and we can all get out okay Sandy let go with the diamond let go of the diamond Sandy all right all right I’m gonna let go but you better pull out I will three two one thank you hey look at that oh I left my charm bracelet in there I left my charm bracelet in this don’t you remember but I can feel my bracelet hey look but all you got to do is stick your hands in there and I can pull my bracelet out no Randy just remember all the good times we had together I remember very little I’m on a lot of drugs Randy please please please please just for Old Times Sake please stick your hand here’s the deal you promise to never work another shift with me in my whole goddamn life I’ll put my hand in that hole but that’s one that’s one of the nights of my week is organizing the shuttle car it’s a deal as long as I have directors cut hey count me into that three two one two two container save yourself oh my God oh my God I’m sorry no worse I’m so sorry oh I’m sorry I’m sorry yeah that I took all the great color Rangers when we were kids it’s okay you love them yeah I know you loved him more than I did [Music] [Music] inside this man’s body [Music]