That’s okay. Even as cliche as it is to say, it’s okay to not be okay. Cliches are cliches for a reason. Okay, Jamie. Now you’re being cringe. Hello, everyone. Welcome to “Trevor Talks Too Much,” the show where I turn off my brain and I open my mouth, and I let the stream of consciousness flow. And whatever happens, happens, and then Jamie listens to it and picks what she wants to be in the episode and cuts other stuff out. That’s the show. Yeah. It’s how it goes. That’s our process. Now you know how the sausage is made. I’m your host, Trevor Evarts. It’s my name right up there. Master baker, Mythical soft boy, and owner of sick shorts. Check these out, Jamie. Hold on. Oh, my thighs. Oh, great heavens. I’m closing my laptop. Check ’em out. They’re freaking sick. They are really cool. I was gonna say when you came in- I don’t know how to. Yeah, they’re new, and I just wanted to show them off, but they’re really cool. Champion? Champion, yeah. And they’re like pink and they’re very comfortable. Anyway, that was it. That was all I had to say. Actually, they are cool. I was gonna say something. I was like, ah, shorts guys today. Thank you. Yeah, shorts guy today. It’s because I’m about to get real comfy, ’cause we’re gonna be in here for approximately six hours, because today we’re talking about mental health. Today, Jamie’s gonna be acting as my therapist, and I am going to pretty much just gush all my problems out into this microphone, and then hopefully I’ll feel better afterwards, and Jamie will feel worse. I’m kidding. It’s a joke. No, today, yeah, gonna be talking about mental health. This is gonna be an interesting episode, because one, I don’t know what I’m gonna say. It’s always a crap shoot, honestly, whenever I start talking about this, because I feel like I talk about it a bit, maybe not a lot. Honestly, we had planned this episode of the show for me to talk about mental health, and I had no clue what I wanted to say, because I have been in probably one of the worst month long stresses. Stresses. One of the worst month long stretches in my life when it comes to mental health. I’ve been in a hole, which is great. But on an unrelated note, today, I scheduled an appointment with a therapist, so that’s huge. That is huge. Step in the right direction. That’s awesome. Yeah, finally I started the process last week, and today, I got an appointment on the calendar, and it’s in my calendar now, so I know it’s gonna happen, which is huge. Hopefully it’s good. No, did you do one of those, like you chat to the therapist for 10 minutes to be like, okay, to kind of feel them out? No. So there’s, I guess, a company or something, it’s Silver Lake Psychology that someone, a coworker actually recommended to me. And I basically just filled out a questionnaire form kind of about some of the stuff that I deal with and go through, and then they have someone that matches you. So I think I’ve actually got a doctor in psychology. They saw what I wrote and they were like, “Yeah, this guy’s screwed up.” They’re like, “We need to get him someone with a doctorate.” No, but like- In psychology, which is actually huge, ’cause there’s probably some disorder that I have that I don’t know. But I think that’s kind of cool that they have a therapy matchmaker, so to say. Yeah, yeah. And yeah, my therapy matchmaker hopefully did a good job. I don’t know. We’ll know in a couple weeks when I go to the appointment and see if I vibe with them. Yeah, ’cause I remember when I was looking for a therapist, I had called four, and the first three, I was like, not gonna work for me but- It’s hard. It’s hard to find, so I wish I had a matchmaker so I didn’t have to spend that time. No. Yeah. I’ve been in the process now probably for the last, how long have I been working here? Two and a half years or so. So that’s two and a half years of being on my own health insurance, and having to make my own medical decisions that I’ve been like, “Oh, I should probably get a therapist since I can,” and then I just haven’t for the last two and a half years. But we made it, so that’s great, huge. Big win. But anyway, I had no clue what I wanted to talk about today, and then Jamie forced me to tweet something out. Not forced me. She didn’t actually force me. I just get anxious about social media and I don’t tweeting things. It’s weird. As soon as social media becomes a job thing, I never wanna post. It’s like I’ll tweet any deranged thought I have at like 2:00 in the morning without a second thought, but as soon as it becomes a work thing, then I’m like, I can’t do it. But I did it and I’m glad I did, and I honestly thought there was probably only gonna be a few people that responded to it, but then there were hundreds of people that responded to it. And I basically just asked, “When did you feel comfortable opening up about your mental health?” Because I think it’s something that everybody goes through a different journey with any sort of mental health struggle. And I was curious to see, you know, when, because I think nowadays it’s becoming a lot more, there’s a lot less stigma regarding it. I think in the present time, it’s pretty normal to, you know, be open about those things, and people aren’t gonna judge you. But I mean, in the past I know it’s not something that was normalized. It was something that you could, you know, be kind of ostracized for having those sorts of problems, which sucks because that only makes it worse. But yeah, so I kind of just asked and people responded and they told me, and now I know what I want to talk about, because people said a lot of words to me on Twitter, and I read through every single reply. So if you replied to my tweet about mental health, thank you. I read it. I see you. You are seen and you’re validated. I only replied to a few people, because there was just so much. There was a lot. I also have like a job sort of, so then I was sitting at work and half doing my job, half reading about people’s journey with different mental health issues, which is great. But I’m probably gonna go through a lot of those tweets and just talk about things, because a lot of people said some really great things and made some really good points that I think need to be shared. So who knows? I’m just gonna start talking I think, and you can listen. Do wanna give fair warning. If you’re listening and things like, ’cause my personal mental health journey has always been with depression. And if there’s anything in those lines with any mental health disorder, but specifically with depression, or self harm, or suicide, or anything like that, if any of that is like, you don’t do well with, I would recommend clicking off. I’m not gonna be upset, personally. I won’t be mad. I totally understand. So if that’s something that you don’t feel like you wanna listen to me talk about, then I would click off. But if you wanna listen to me talk about that kind of stuff, or potentially touch on that. I’m not just gonna sit here and talk about that the whole time, but I might touch on it. So if that’s something that you wanna distance yourself from, then please do so now. You’re more than welcome to. I would hope that you would. We’ll also put some resources for people down into the comments, or not the comments, I guess the description. Yes, we will. Yes. Jamie will do that because I don’t know how podcasts work. I don’t know how publishing a podcast works. I just sit here and talk. Gosh, I don’t even know where to begin. It’s hard. When did you, for yourself, when did you start feeling- Never. Sorry, continue. No, I mean it’s okay if it’s never, but it’s like, was there a point where you felt like you were like, okay, I’m finally gonna start opening up more about some of the stuff I’m going through? Whether that was just to a friend, or a family member or whatever. Do you feel like there was a place you can pinpoint, or did you feel like gradually you started peppering it in? No, honestly I don’t think I’ve ever really done it in a healthy way. I mean, when I first started struggling with mental health issues, I was in high school and I didn’t think anything was wrong with me. And I was just like, oh, or thought I knew what was wrong with me, and I was like, I know what’s wrong with me. I could fix it at any time or whatever. I went to therapy when I was in high school because. Only share what you feel like sharing. No, it’s funny. It’s funny ’cause I was in high school and I was severely depressed, and I didn’t really realize it or know what to do about it. And so in classic dramatic Trevor high school or Trevor fashion, I was always a really good student and I got straight As, and then I started struggling with depression, and then I got straight Ds. And so I didn’t turn in assignments. I was late to school all the time. And then I had a teacher who had assigned me multiple essays throughout the year. It was my junior year of high school, and she had assigned us college essays, basically essays to send on college applications, ’cause that was a time when we were doing a lot of that stuff. I didn’t write a single one of them, and then at the end of the year she was like, “Hey Trevor,” she’s like, “I’m gonna have to give you a zero on these if you don’t turn in something.” And so I did. I went into my car and I wrote in my car at lunch for like 30 minutes, maybe 45 minutes. And I wrote one essay, and it was a very thinly veiled cry for help. Ah. And I turned it in. Then the funny part is that I don’t think she got it. Wow. Really? I mean, when I say it was thinly veiled, it was thinly veiled. Maybe she did get it and she just didn’t really care, but she read it and she was like, “Wow, Trevor, this is so good.” She’s like, “You should publish this.” And I was like, that wasn’t really the point but thank you. I do feel like it’s probably very difficult to be an educator, however- Yeah. I do feel that if you went from being such a great student to a not so great student that somebody somewhere should have been like, “Are you okay?” Well, no they did. Okay, good. They did good. Okay, good. This was at the end of the year. Gotcha. But in sort of the middle of the year around Christmas holiday break time, I was just doing terribly in my classes. And then our school guidance counselor basically locked me in her office and forced me to tell her what was going on. Oh, okay. So then I did, and then she told my parents about it, and then my parents were very understanding. My dad told me… I think I might have talked about this on an episode before, but my dad, when he was growing up, he was one of those people like, “Ah, depression isn’t a real thing. Just buck up, get over it.” And it wasn’t until my mom struggled with that that he really realized. And so they were both very supportive and they signed me up for therapy, and I went and I was kind of just in this mode of like, nothing’s wrong with me. I don’t need to go to therapy, and I wasn’t receptive to it at all. And they let me quit it, and then I quit therapy and I just kind of have survived the last 2016. I thought you were gonna say 26 years. I was like, you’re not even 26 years old. 2016 was when that would’ve started. So almost like six years now. Is my math correct there? That is correct on your math. Six years. Wow. Yeah, so I’ve just kind of survived the last six years. Oh man. So you haven’t really actually- I haven’t been to therapy since I did however many sessions in high school. It was only a couple. So this will be your first kind of stint where hopefully, it is beneficial. You’re ready to intake it. Yes. And I don’t know. I thought that I’d gotten, it was always weird little kind of spells here and there where I was like, oh, I’d have a bad month and then I’d get through it, and then I was like, all right, then I’m fine. I think it’s one of those things, a couple people that tweeted. I’m not gonna be able to read every tweet verbatim ’cause I also just screenshotted them, and so I’d have to scroll through 20 screenshots of different tweets to find it. But I noticed, I think it was Damien’s actually from Smosh, my friend Damien, he tweeted and he said, “Right away. It was actually coping mechanism that allowed me not to deal with my issues. If I talk about it, I must be fine, right? It wasn’t until I really started unpacking things and working on them that the conversation started to feel more substantial and authentic.” And I get that a lot, and it’s the same thing with joking about it. ‘Cause I’ve always been what I think is a pretty self-aware person. At least since I kind of figured out what was wrong with me, I’ve always been very self-aware about what goes on in my head. And I know there’s something wrong with me, and then I also joke about it a lot, and those two things in my head are a way for me. I’ve literally said this before. I’ll be like, oh, if I’m joking about suicide, then that’s a good sign because then I probably won’t actually do it. Oh. I’ve said that verbatim a lot. Interesting. I realize more and more that that’s just a hard cope. Hard copium there. Yeah. And I think that that’s something that a lot of people that struggle with any sort of mental illness go through is humor is one of the best coping mechanisms, because you also don’t want to alienate people, you know, that you’re around. If I’m playing video games with my friends, I don’t wanna be depressing or talk about, you know, my problems or whatever. And it’s a lot easier to make a joke about, you know, suicide than it is to actually reach out for help. And same with talking about it. I always just assumed, you know, if I’m aware that these things are going on and that I’m struggling, then I at least have some control over it. But more and more, I found that that’s not in fact the case. And it is hard. I mean, I’ve never been someone that… There was actually someone tweeted and was like, I don’t talk about it. I think they said because I’m a father and a teacher and I have to be strong, and I get that. I mean, since I had grown up, I’ve always been, people have always perceived me, I think, as the funny sort of charismatic, nice, fun to be around person. And I feel like that’s what I have to be for people ’cause I already am so insecure, and so it’s like, if I want people to like me and want people to spend time with me and be around me, then I have to be that person. I have to be the funny, kind, charismatic person that I’ve always been. And so I don’t want to, I don’t know, I guess talk about the things that I’m going through, because then in my mind, I’ve become something other than what people value me for, which is toxic. And I know that a lot of people feel like I have to be strong. I’ve always been strong, so I have to be that. I can’t be vulnerable. And it’s the exact opposite. I mean, one thing that I’ve noticed from all of the tweets in the thread is that every single time someone said that they have become more open and comfortable with talking about their mental health, it was because as soon as they did, they had so many people around them that were going through the same things, and they could just relate to each other. And even if you don’t have, even if say your friends don’t relate to you in the same exact way, they’re gonna support you. And if they don’t support you and try and be there for you, then maybe they shouldn’t be your friends. And that’s not to say that it’s your friend’s job to be your therapist, ’cause that’s another thing that I’ve been very fearful about a lot is I’ve been taken advantage of in the past by way of someone kind of dumping all of their emotional trauma on me. That’s why I think that talking to a professional is very important because it is their job, and they’re very good at it, and they’re trained for it. And so you can dump anything on them, and, you know, they clock out at the end of the day. They go home and they’re fine. They’ve gone to school. They’ve trained. They’ve prepared for this, for you to dump everything that you’re feeling on them. It’s hard to find that balance when you don’t know how much is too much to say or not enough to say. You’re like, I don’t wanna be all one way or all the other, but when you bottle it up, that’s when it becomes a dumping instead of a trickling, I guess. A thing that I’ve gotten in the habit of doing with friends in both directions is one, asking people like, “Hey. I kind of need to talk to you about something, but do you have the emotional availability or emotional space for me to talk about this? Or is this not a good time?” Yeah, yeah. And I mean, I’ve always been that person. I love being there for people. I think because I’ve struggle with it, anytime someone that I know is going through any similar things, I wanna be there for them. To my own detriment sometimes where it’s like, I want you to dump it all on me, because I know what you’re going through, and I don’t want you to feel like I’ve felt, but then you end up carrying the weight, more weight. Who knew it was just about setting healthy boundaries? It’s unreal. Why isn’t that, like there should be more classes in school about like, hey, this is how you function as a human being, and there’s not. Instead we’re taught calculus, which I’ve never used a day in my life. But that’s why this show is. No, if you’re learning how to be a healthy human being from me, you really need to see a therapist. Oh. One tweet that I really liked was from my friend Harley. They said, “When it felt like I was doing so to a helpful end. Sharing my struggles publicly doesn’t help or comfort for me personally, but when I think that the people listening could learn, benefit or heal in some way, I’m very happy to open up entirely.” And I think that’s something, another thing is, at least for me, whenever I feel like I want to talk about it, because I don’t necessarily feel this way when I talk about it to my friends or people that I care about, ’cause I don’t feel like it would come across that way. But I rarely, I don’t know if I’ve ever talked about it on social media or anything. Maybe making an offhanded joke about Zoloft here and there. Because it’s like, I don’t wanna talk about that because it seems like I don’t want it to come across as like I’m looking for attention or pity, I guess. And that’s another reason I think that people have a hard time reaching out and talking about it is because it does seem like something that, I don’t know. You get a lot of people on the internet that do do things for attention, and there’s a lot of attention seeking behavior. And so it’s hard when there’s so much of that to want to actually reach out, but then be worried that you’re gonna come across that way. It’s like your brain is just working against you all the time. That’s the one thing that I’ve found in the last six years of my life dealing with this is that my brain, I feel like, is my worst enemy, because there’s things that I need to do to get better and I don’t get it, ’cause the bad stuff is in my brain, but then the solutions come from my brain and it’s like, there’s two halves of my brain that are fighting against each other. But it’s also about clicking. For me, it’s always, I have my thought that I know I need to do something, and it doesn’t click for so much longer. But when it does click, then I’m like, oh my God, thank God. Yeah. It finally clicked. But it’s difficult. It’s really, really difficult. And I don’t know, when you first started talking about it with your friends if you had this, but were they almost kind of shocked? Or did they kind of see it coming? Were they kind of like, “Oh my God, I had no idea?” No, I mean, it’s funny. I wouldn’t say that I actually have talked about it with my friends a lot. Oh, really? They all know that it was something I struggle with, ’cause again, I’ve always been known as a very happy cheery person and kind person. And then as soon as it all started back when I was a junior in high school, it was just like, I was just a piece . I was actually such a douchebag- Oh, really? To all my friends. I was mean. I didn’t show up to things. I was just like . I don’t know. And I also have pretty severe memory loss, and I know I talk about that a lot. Even to this day, I just have terrible memory. But I mean I was an , and I’ve apologized to them on many occasions, ’cause they stuck with me through it and I really appreciate them for that. And so they all know what the reason was, but I don’t know, I just don’t talk about it that often. I still don’t. I don’t know. This is the most that I’ve talked about it in a long time. Does it feel cathartic a little bit? I don’t know, it feels hard. It feels weird ’cause I’m sitting here in a room with you, but I also know that then there’s the potential for lots of people to listen to this. I hope that ’cause I know that there were a lot of people, you know, under that tweet that talked about, there were a lot of people that talked about, it took me so long in life to be able to talk about it. You know, it took me 10 years after I started struggling with it to finally figure it out. But there’s also a lot of people in there that are like, “I’m in my 30s and I still haven’t figured out” or I still don’t, or things like that, and I mean, I get it. There’s so many things that I wish I could just sit down, look another human being in the eyes and tell them. When I lay in bed at night in my room, I think about all the things that I wish I could tell people, or that I wanna tell people, that I wish I could get off my chest. But as soon as it comes to actually doing that, I just get so anxious, and I think there’s a lot of factors to that. There is one person under the tweet that talked about how they were struggling, and it started affecting their work performance. And thankfully their job, when he finally, they had a sit down with him and were like, “Hey, what’s going on?” And he was honest. They were very supportive and they helped him get through it. They gave him time off to go focus on his mental health. But I think that that’s not an opportunity that a lot of people have. Oh, not at all. And I hope nobody from work listens to this, otherwise they’re gonna know my secret crying spot. No, but I literally went up in the loft in the office, but into the closet area of the loft, the storage area- That’s a good spot. Yeah, storage, and I went not only just into the storage area, I went behind a bunch of stuff and sat in a corner and I just cried, ’cause I was like, I don’t know what to do. I was like, I don’t know if I don’t suck it up and do my job, then this episode isn’t gonna happen. Or it’s gonna mean my coworkers having to be under a lot more pressure, because I didn’t do what I said I was gonna do, or I didn’t do the things that I needed to do. So it’s gonna be up to them to pick it up. But then I’m also like, I feel like if I go down into that kitchen and do what I need to do, I’m gonna lose it. I don’t know. It’s this weird outside. And that was a moment where I was like, I need to ask someone for help because I feel like I’m losing my mind right now. I need to ask someone for help. But then I was worried. I was like, if I say something to someone, are they gonna get so worried about me, or are they gonna say, “Hey, maybe you should go home?” I don’t know. It was like this moment where I felt so vulnerable and like I needed to talk to someone, but I was worried that if I did that I was not gonna be able to do my job, and then it was gonna have a negative impact on my coworkers. Okay. And so then I was worried. I was like, I don’t want my mental health to have a negative impact on my job, or on the people around me, and so I don’t know. I ended up just sucking it up and doing it, obviously. No, I mean, I feel like it’s one of those things too where, yeah, being in a work setting, it’s like the worst when you’re like, I am really trying to hold it together. But if one person says one thing to me, I might just pull my eye out of its socket and throw it across the room, you know? But it’s in those moments where you’re like, you can say, even if it’s just a break. You’re like, “Hey, I just need to take 10 for now. I’m having a moment.” That kind of stuff. Or taking a walk. Breathing exercises. I know it’s like sounds dumb but like- No, no, and I did. Honestly, going up and sitting in the loft and crying helped. You gotta let it out. It did. Once I kind of got it all out, I sat there and I was like, okay, I think I’m capable of going and finishing the work day. And then I went and finished the work day and I went home and I slept for six hours, but it wasn’t healthy. But regardless, it definitely does help to take that time. But I don’t know, that’s a very, very hard thing to do when you have to deal with that and it is affecting your work, or people start to notice it affecting your work. If you’re in a workplace that isn’t mindful of those things, which- In America- To be clear- A lot are not. To be clear to those listening, I’m not saying that if I had gone and talked that there would’ve been a problem. Oh, no. If I had reached out for help in that moment and been like, “I’m losing it. I’m imploding.” They would’ve helped me. They would’ve told me, “Hey, do whatever you need to do to get right.” I’m not saying that that would’ve been negative. No but that’s what your internal monologue was telling you. That’s what my internal monologue, and I also know that there wouldn’t have been any consequences, but it still would’ve had a negative effect on my coworkers, which I didn’t want. So in the end, that’s why I chose to suck it up, because I didn’t want to leave them on the hook. But regardless, if you’re in a place, and I think that’s why the stigma of mental health, I’m glad it’s moving in the right direction. But I just feel like it needs to get there, ’cause I mean, if you have a cough or a sore throat, when you’re a kid, you stay home from school for the day. But if you are depressed and are thinking about hurting yourself, and don’t feel like you have the energy to get out of bed and brush your teeth, you’re still expected to go to school. Yeah, how many times did you fake a stomach ache or fake something because you were like, I can’t do it mentally? It got to the point where I just stopped faking it. Oh, really? And I feel terrible that I did this to my mother. She’s a saint. My mother is a saint. But my junior year of high school, I would. I would start faking, you know, being sick, ’cause I was like, I just don’t feel like I can get out of bed. I don’t feel like I have the energy to go to school and do whatever. But you can only fake so many stomach aches. That’s true. I mean, literally, it got to the point where I would go into the bathroom at night and try and make myself throw up. Wow. Really? Yeah, and then it got to the point where I would just lay in bed and my mom would be like, “Hey Trevor, you need to get up. We gotta go to school.” And then I would just lay there and ignore her. And then that caused a lot of strain in my relationship with my parents during that time. I have a great relationship with them now. We’ve healed. My mom still makes jokes about it, but you know, it’s her right. But. We have sick days. We should have mental health days. It’s hard to, it’s like, oh, you get 40 hours of paid sick days, whatever. And so it’s like, okay, you get a cough for a couple days. Now it’s different, obviously with COVID and a global pandemic, you’re off for a while. But you know, you get a cough. You take two sick days, cool. Now you’ve got however many hours left, 24. It’s like, all right, you got a few more sick days. Good math. Good quick maths, I know. But who knows? I mean, if it gets to a point where it’s bad, he might need to just reset for a month or a couple weeks. You might need to just go somewhere, do something, freaking talk to someone, I don’t know. And everyone’s different. Everyone needs a different amount of time to figure out what’s going on in their head. But yeah, I don’t know. I’m scared to talk to a therapist. Ah, it’s not as scary as you think. It’s kind of weird how, when you’re in a setting. This is like, professionally, this office was created so that I could do this thing, where on my first therapy session, I was like , I’m not gonna say anything, and then I just spilled my guts. It’s hard, one of the things about depression, at least in my experience, and again, I know that there are people out there with all sorts of other mental health disorders. Depression is just the one that I’ve struggled with, mainly, that I know of. I’m not trying to push those other struggles or other issues to the back or not talk about them. But I’m just trying to talk about my own personal experience, because that’s what I know the most about. And it’s scary and I’m worried that as I start unpacking things, I’m gonna realize more and more things that are wrong. So that’s kind of what happens usually. And I know it’s scary, but it’s like a bruise, you know? It’s gonna look worse before it gets better. Yeah. Someone tweeted that one of the ways that they found is best to talk to people about it is to write down things that they’re feeling, and then have a piece of paper. ‘Cause I feel like there’s a lot of times when I am alone with my thoughts, whether that’s laying in bed or whatever, I’m in the shower, whatever it is, that I think through these things and I’m like, these are the things that I need to be saying to people. This is what I wish I could verbalize to someone. And then I have those thoughts and then I wake up the next day or whatever, then I get in a situation where I could. Sorry. Where I could verbalize those things, and then I just can’t. I can’t bring myself to. So that’s honestly a really good tip. If you have trouble actually saying the things that you’ve already thought in your head, maybe just write ’em down. I might try that for my first session. Just write down a bunch of things so that I have them at the forefront of my mind, and when I’m in that moment, I don’t just freeze up and go, “No, just bury it. Just bury it” because I’m worried that that’s what I’m gonna do but- No, writing it down is so smart, because it’s one of those things too where, you know when someone puts you on the spot to do an impression or to say something funny or whatever, and you’re like, now that I’m on the spot, I’m the least funny person I’ve ever met in my life. It’s the same thing that happens when you’re trying to talk about serious stuff, or when you’re going to the doctor. You’re like, I forgot every important question ever. Literally. Oh my God. The doctor, when I go and I’m like, there’s these things that are going on in my body that don’t make sense and this is what I need to talk about. And then I go to the doctor and they’re like, “So what’s going on?” And I’m like, “Ah.” I’m a bill of health. “No, I think things are good, you know? Probably just a normal checkup. Do you do those?” Touch my balls. Tell me to cough. I’m sorry. Guys get it. People with balls get it. Well, is that part of your regular, this is off topic, but is that part of the regular physical is that they do the ball cough thing? Or is that like, ’cause for chicks or people that have vulvas and whatnot, it’s a separate appointment. Oh, no, I don’t know. We don’t have to keep on this but- Wait, no, I wanna talk about my balls a little bit more. Yeah. When I was in high school it was, ’cause you had to get sports physicals. Okay. But I think it’s just making sure your balls are healthy. I don’t know. I can’t remember. I think the last time I went in for a general checkup, I don’t think he touched my balls. General checkup. Yeah. Sorry, I do that a lot. It’s like a bit. It’s like every time someone says general or private- Yeah, it’s just one of your bits. You just do a little salute. Well, ’cause anytime someone says general, or private, or something like that. It’s like, oh, General’s speaking. General’s speaking. It’s like a salute. I don’t know. Sorry. That was a banger. It’s from “How I Met Your Mother.” ♪ For a great low rate, you can get online ♪ ♪ Go to the general and save some time ♪ Oh, that was really good. Thank you. Gee, I know. What were we talking about? Well, ’cause we were talking about how at the doctor, you forget- You freeze up. You freeze up. You freeze up. You don’t know what’s going on. You forget the things that were bothering you, because you’re in that moment and you feel like it’s like the penultimate moment. You know, it’s like, I’m finally here. This is the penultimate moment before I either fix what’s wrong, or continue to brush it under the rug, or forget about it or whatever. So I don’t know. It’s gonna be teletherapy, which is- Interesting. Yeah, the place that I was at, apparently they’re not back in office yet. I definitely think I’m more of an in-person kind of person. Same. But I’ll just have to find a pillow to clutch, ’cause anytime I talk about my feelings, I clutch a pillow. Yeah. I don’t know. It’s like a way to close myself off. Well it’s also like, it’s like, okay, how can I hold onto comfort? Yeah, right now I’m just fidgeting with this hair band the whole time because I can’t be still. Yeah. I don’t know. I’m kind of scared. No, well, it is scary. But for other reasons. I’m scared that something more serious is gonna be wrong with me. Does that make sense? It does. ‘Cause I’ve always just, I don’t know. I’ve always thought it was kind of just like, oh, your old run of the mill depression, ’cause that’s what, I don’t know, I’ve always had the symptoms of. But then I look at other more things that go on in my life and I’m like, that’s not really a symptom of depression, but it’s also something that’s pretty wrong. And so then I’m worried that like, oh, I probably don’t know everything that’s wrong with me, and there might be, I don’t know. I started taking Zoloft back in October, so a little less than a year now. I thought it was working, but I don’t think it is. Okay. And I don’t know. I guess I’ve always just wanted to, I’ve always wanted there to just be an easy fix. Like, “Hey Trevor, tell me what’s going on,” and then I tell them what’s going on, and they’re like, “Wow, lucky for you all you have to do is take 100 milligrams of this drug every day and you’ll be normal.” That’s like the ideal scenario for me. Yeah. But I don’t think that’s how it goes. Unfortunately. Oh, don’t give me bad news, Jamie. No, I’m just saying- Give me good news. I feel like too though it’s good to get reevaluated, ’cause I don’t know who prescribed you the Zoloft originally. It was my general practitioner because I went in when I was in another, I was going through a very bad few weeks and getting an appointment with a doctor was easier than getting an appointment with a therapist for me, and it was also because- Which is also . I knew, well, the reason is that I knew that they were gonna give me, ’cause when you first go to a doctor like a general practitioner, they usually give you a little sheet to fill out that’s like your medical history or whatever, things that you have, and there’s a depression screening. And I kind of knew in my head, I was like, I can’t tell anyone how I feel. I literally didn’t even, I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it even in the doctor’s office. But I knew that I could check boxes on a piece of paper. I was like, I know that if she gives me a piece of paper that has all these boxes on it that say “I’m depressed, I have no energy. I have no feelings or emotions, and I think about hurting myself,” I can check all those boxes and then she can look at it and be like, “Hey, what’s going on?” And then as soon as I’m prompted, I could be like, “Yeah, I probably haven’t been doing so great. I’m kind of sad,” whatever. And then that did happen. And she looked at the paper, she was like, “Oh God.” She was like, “What’s going on?” And then I just told her just very basic level type things. And she was like, “Okay, do you wanna try medication?” And I was like, “Yes, I’d like to,” and then I don’t know. I’ve been on meds now, but it’s not. I thought it helped but maybe it didn’t. I don’t know. Maybe it was just like a placebo thing, or I just got out of the funk for a little bit. I genuinely don’t know but I also- I know it’s scary, but you gotta remember, which is way easier said than done. You can’t go straight to this super, super negative. It’s like, you’re a hypochondriac for your mind, but you’re not like. You know there’s something, but if you let yourself go down the rabbit hole of WebMD trying to figure it out yourself- Yeah. Well, see, then that’s the thing is like, but then I tell myself like, oh, are you making up these things in your head? Maybe you don’t actually feel this way. Oh no, now that’s too far the other- You see, that’s the thing is like, there’s no middle ground for me. It’s either one extreme is my brain is so far past being saved, I have got zero brain function. Or I’m making everything up. It’s all in my own head, and I just need to figure out how to be better. I don’t know. It’s weird. I literally yesterday was like, I wanted to do so many things. I wanted to get errands done. I wanted to run errands. I wanted to do stuff, and I just couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed and then I finally did it. I got up and I took a shower, and it was like the biggest accomplishment. I don’t wanna talk about how long it had been since I showered. But that’s also something like, it does feel spectacular when you get out of that funk, and you’re like, oh my God, I did a normal day. It’s still okay to be proud of that. I know it sounds bad. It just makes me sad that that’s like an accomplishment but it is. It is an accomplishment. I should be proud because genuinely, when you’re in that place, every little step is a win. Every single little step, whether it’s brushing your teeth. If it’s washing your hands after you go to the bathroom. Any little step. If it’s eating food. If it’s microwaving something for dinner rather than just not eating. Whatever it is, those little steps, they mean everything. They mean the world and it’s so important. But then your brain just continues to attack itself. Like, “Oh, you’re such a piece . You think that taking a shower is an accomplishment?” Yeah, I kind of do. I kind of do think it’s an accomplishment. But I don’t know. I don’t like that this episode has become me talking about my problems and Jamie convincing me that therapy’s gonna be okay. Every person goes through things differently, but that’s what a lot of the comments on your tweet were saying that people didn’t feel comfortable talking about it until they realized they had a good friend group around them, or someone noticed something and pulled them aside and said something. Or they lived in a household where they were told to suck it up, but as soon as they got out of that household, they were like, oh wait, I don’t have to suck it up. And that’s what resonated with me reading those replies, ’cause I went through all the replies too. It was cool to see how every single person was on a different path- Exactly. And everybody has to get there, you know. At the end of the day, you have to come to that place on your own, you know, of asking for help. Even though it’s a lot easier to hint at not being okay. That’s what I wanna do. I always want to just, it’s like, if I can drop enough hints that I’m not doing great, eventually someone’s gonna ask me, “Hey, are you doing okay?” And then I can just let loose and finally let it all out. But you’ve gotta come to that place on your own where you finally realize, yeah, I’m not okay and that’s okay. Even as cliche as it is to say, it’s okay to not be okay. Cliches are cliches for a reason. Okay, Jamie. Now you’re being cringe. Yeah, well- No, I’m kidding. I feel like I’m just having, I’m just voicing every single person’s internal monologue right now that they’re struggling with. Like “I don’t know how to talk to people. I’m scared.” I feel like I’m just voicing all these things, and then you’re just talking me through. No, but that’s good. I mean, you said at the start that I was basically going to be- No but I didn’t want. That was a joke because that’s what I don’t want. It’s the opposite of what I want. I don’t know. I hope someone out there resonates with this, I guess. I hope that someone listens to it and is like, “Wow, I’m not the only insane person.” Yeah. I feel like people could play this and they’d be like, wow, this is what I- I get it. Tell myself. So then takeaways. Takeaways. It is okay to talk to people. Yay. If you are able and capable and have the resources, finding a therapist or someone to talk to is ideal. But I don’t know. Everyone’s got, you know. Also different types of therapy. Maybe talk therapy’s not for you. Maybe you need something else. Not you specifically but- Like, shock therapy. No, not that. I need to get zapped until my brain works right. No, we don’t- I wanna try that first. Put me in the electric chair. Let’s not do that. I’ll be okay. I’m built different. But no, I think this has been a really great episode. I think that you’ve opened up a lot, which is great, and it’s helpful to other people. Even just the amounting. Amounting? The amount of responses to your tweet just goes to show that people really want to talk about this. A lot of people are like, “Thank you for asking this.” People never respond to my tweets. About podcasts. I’m like, “Hey, do you guys have a favorite food?” And one person’s like “Beans.” And then I ask about mental health and all of a sudden, everyone and their nan’s got a response. I’m sorry. Trevor’s Tips. This is actually the Trevor’s Tip section. Here’s my tip. No matter where you’re at mental health wise, no matter what you’re struggling with, what you’re dealing with. No matter how serious you feel like it is or isn’t, one, there’s always someone around you, a friend, a peer, a family member that has felt the same things. I guarantee it 110%. I don’t think there’s ever been a situation in all of mankind humanity that someone has been like, “Hey, I’m not feeling so great mentally,” and then everyone around them was just like, “Well, you’re dumb. I’ve never felt that before in my life.” At least in, I don’t know. I don’t know about the cavemen. Freaking cavemen might have not had to deal with depression. Who knows? They’re too busy hunting dinosaurs. All that to be said, there are people around you that have felt the same things and that have felt the same feelings. And there are people around you that are willing to help. And the less that you push it down and the less that you let it eat away at you, the better it’s gonna be in the long run. Because I know like, I mean, I’m only 23, but do I wish that the last four years of my life I’d been mentally healthy and been a lot happier? Yeah. I’ve been happy. I’ve had these spurts of happiness. I’ve had these happy moments. I’ve felt generally good, probably, about the last few years of my life. But there were a lot of nights that I laid in my room in my bed and just had a really terrible time, and I wish that that was different. And I just hope that wherever you’re at, and whatever you’re going through that you reach out to someone, anyone, just as soon as possible, because you never know when that breaking point’s gonna be, or what that breaking point is, and what that looks like for you. So yeah, all that to say, there’s resources down in the description of this episode wherever you’re listening, watching, whatever. If you’re feeling anything, please go check out all those links. Talk to someone, talk to anyone. Talk to me. I don’t know. DM me on Twitter. I honestly am terrible at checking DMs. I will probably read it. I might not respond. But know that even if it just helps to know that I’ve probably been through something similar or the same, then that makes me happy. I feel like I have- I’m gonna shed a tear. No, don’t shed a tear. It’s nice. It’s like nice stuff. Yeah? I like it. I don’t know. It made me feel like, I actually am a little welling, but it just made me feel like it’s nice and it’s happy, and that’s definitely gonna resonate with someone. If there’s one thing that’s come out of this whole show, and Rhett and Link asking me to do it is that a few people that listen felt like they were empowered or encouraged to get help for the struggles that they have with mental health, then that’s huge. Then I feel like it’s a win. I don’t care how many people listen to this. I don’t care how many people watch the show. If you’ve listened and you feel like you resonated with anything, please check out the resources that we have down here. Reach out to anyone. I hope you all have a lovely week. Thank you for listening. I don’t know. This feels weird to do a normal outro, so I’m just not gonna do it. Yeah. I don’t know. That was a lot. I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know if you want more stuff like this. If you want me to be serious, if you want me to go back to being a funny ha-ha guy, ’cause I’m very capable of that too. I got some jokes, some banters. I’ll save it for the next episode. But yeah, have a great week.