Oh. Okay, I just got here to the office and I can tell that Rhett is already here. There’s a problem that’s been growing bigger and bigger and getting more and more out of control, so I have a solution to fix that. And to surprise him. Knock knock! I’m in vlogging mode. I’m in surprising mode. We haven’t discussed surprise vlog mode. That’s part of the surprise. Is that surprise vlog mode exists. I would’ve preferred if you had discussed surprise vlog mode with me before, but you know what, I’m kinda always in vlog mode because I can do things like this. You panned away from me as I was doing an awesome spin. All right, do another one. What kind of– As long as I’m in the shot, I’m cool with it. All right. Here’s the deal man. Everything around your face is out of control. You look like you belong in a cabin writing some sort of manifesto. I’ll tell you buddy, I’m a lot closer to that these days than you would ever imagine. Let me tell you what you’re really close to today. Rhett, you’re close– Please don’t get that close to me. I’m going to give you a hair makeover. I know you don’t wanna cut your hair. I mean, we devoted an entire Ear Biscuits episode to you talking about all your reasons. I will cut my hair at some point, but I’m not cutting it now. The surprise is not me cutting your hair. I’m not cutting my beard. I have trimmed it a teeny bit. I know you don’t wanna do anything permanent. I’ve shaped it a little bit, that’s all. So, the surprise today is I’m gonna straighten your hair. You know, that’s the thing that people do. You’re gonna look at smoothed out and kempt, man. I’m gonna kempt you. You can wash it out, right? Just get your camera and let’s go into the wardrobe room. Come on! Let’s do it! Grab your camera. Surprise vlog mode. What are we doing to your hair? Nothing. I think my hair looks good, as I look at it. Yeah, I don’t think it looks bad, but. I mean, it could– I think it can look smoother. I talked to Jenna about this idea. Jenna! Jenna. Where is she? She usually hides back here. Jenna’s not here. She should be here any second. So this is kinda like a beauty vlog, you know? Those are popular. More men need to be doing beauty vlogs. You don’t know anything about how to do any of this stuff. I’m gonna learn on your head. You’re the shakiest, most uncoordinated person that I’ve ever come in regular contact with. And. Like, I don’t know what that is, but look at that. That looks like fun. You know what, I think Jenna’s gonna be doing most of the actual, that’s like for curling thing. Just sit down here and let’s talk about your vision for my vision. This is a beauty vlogger camera. I thought you were gonna say this is a beauty and just grasp my head. No, no. This is the before shot. The after shot is the beauty shot. I feel good about before . Okay, Jenna is back . Jenna is necessary. Jenna, I need you to reassure me cause I am very nervous– What is this? He doesn’t know anything. That’s a crimper. We can 2000s crimper. Burn things. We’re not gonna need that. He’s not gonna burn me, he might burn himself. Yeah, who do you think I am? You think I’m gonna burn the man? If you burn my face bro, and I’m gonna call you bro if you burn my face. Me in seventh grade, trying to figure out how to straighten my own hair, I burned myself. I have one request. If you burn my face, I get to burn your face. Eye for an eye. Burn for a burn. You’re gonna burn my eye? Because. I’m not joking. If you burn me, I’m going to burn you in the exact same spot. Okay. All right. You look like a hairdresser, I will say that. Thank you. But I’m still. Is that supposed to be an insult? Hey! But I’m still very nervous. I think step number one is removing my watch. I think step number one is do some breathing exercises to calm yourself down a little bit. See if you can get your hands to not be so shaky. Step one and a half is we both have to get comfortable with me touching your hair. I’m not worried about that. I actually am, it’s intimate you know. Well just try it and see what you think about it. Touch it like a hairdresser, man. Oh gosh, you’ve got so much to work with. Everything you do is not gentle. You don’t know how to do gentle. Did that hurt? In your effort to be gentle, you were still aggressive. I don’t want it to be pleasurable. Be smooth man, calm down a little. Hey. I’m nervous. Yeah, you need to do a, let’s do it together. I think I need to vigilant. Just shut up and breathe. I need to be hypervigilant, so I’m not breathing. In. I’m holding my breath during this whole exercise. Out. You calm now? Has your hair ever been this long? No, again, you’re being overly aggressive already. I’m not being aggressive . Let me just, I’m what they call tender headed, okay? Which means that my scalp is very sensitive. So when you take my hair and you pull it on like that, like a wig, it hurts. Like what you’re doing already hurts. I just think. Oh gosh. Okay listen, you gotta keep moving. You can’t stop on it. You don’t know! I would recommend making sure the tangles are out. Do you want me to? Yes. Okay. I know what you’re saying. I have thick curly hair too, so it’s easier– Start with the ends. Yeah, it’s easier to start at the ends. It doesn’t hurt as much cause really that’s where a lot of tangle is. Oo, ow! Don’t pull a bunch of my hair out, man. Now back in the day, I used to cut your hair, back in high school. Yeah, that was when we just gave each other buzzes. Oh, you’ve done a good thing on this side . This is turning out so 70s now. We got a hair tie? I got a hair tie. All right, do the top in a hair tie. You do that side, I’ll do this side. Okay. I’m gonna pretend this is like grooming a horse. Jenna’s doesn’t hurt at all, yours does. What is the deal mean? Is that better? Yeah you don’t have . See how slow she’s going? She’s doing things deliberately and calmly. You can learn a lot from her. I’m calm, I’m calm. I’m teachable. Well, I’ve tried a lot. I’m learnable. You could learn to shut up more. I’d say this is thoroughly brushed. Here we go, Rhett. Ooh. Faster. You can go faster, yeah. And then how hot is that? It should be cool now. All right let’s turn sideways so the people can see. Does somebody do this by themselves usually? Usually one person doing it to themselves. Here we go. Ooh, you hear that? That’s the sizzling– I don’t like the sound of my hair sizzling. It’s the product. That’s normal. That’s the product. It’s the product. You have virgin hair, it’s not gonna break. Did you say virgin hair? Virgin hair means it hasn’t been bleached. No crazy stuff has been done to it. So you’re saying that Link is deflowering my hair right now? I kinda feel like there should’ve been some sort of a ceremony before that. No, this isn’t– Hold that up. This isn’t deflowering the hair either. If he were to bleach your hair, yes. We did all that in high school. This is some curly mess under here. Don’t talk crap about my hair. You can’t talk crap about people’s hair when you’re doing it. Man! We gotta fix that. We got to fix that! I feel like I have to be totally quiet when I’m doing it. It’s a meditative– You should do it more often then. I should just get you a hair straightener and a mannequin in your office. If you wanna do a job, do it right. Don’t put the curling iron on my hair and then start talking to me cause you always stop. You immediately stops. Do you wanna do a job right? Gotta do it from the bottom. Start at the bottom and work up, just like Drake. Now I wanna brush this a little bit. Yeah, I would brush it. Oh, now it’s easy to brush. Look at that, you’re really turning into a horse. What kinda horse have you seen? I mean, it’s the color of a mane. I want this in front. I kinda like this. I look like I’m a white actor in a kung fu movie. I would use this. Like all of a sudden the white guy shows up. James Carradine. I’m just gonna put a few kisses of Discipline in your hair. And why do we need this? I like how you’re saying we as if we’re all in this together. We, we are all in it together . You burn, I burn. I’m glad you’re on board for that . Look at this, I’m getting comfortable. Now you just need to have a little affirmation. Some something good about yourself. That’s not my job. Say something good about yourself. Don’t be so aggressive man, don’t hold my head so hard! I want you to look right there at yourself and I want you to. Is this how you treat your children? You cut all your kids hair, they must hate you. I don’t cut Lily’s hair. I cut Lincoln’s hair and I cut Lando’s hair. She grew out of it. It’s like, daddy’s been handling my head too hard. Lando hates it. Ana has started cutting the boys hair because they hate it when I do it. Good. Now close your eye. I’m never closing my eyes. I might burn your eyelid but I won’t burn your eyeball. I’d rather see it happening . You’ve nearly blinded me on the show, a couple times, like unintentionally. Yeah man, I would never hurt you on purpose. Cause I do it enough on accident. Keep it going, man. It’s like you had a little mini stroke there, it seems like. As you were thinking. When you start thinking hard, the thing slows down. That’s gotta be independent, it’s gotta be there is a motion in the ocean and there is a thought in the lotion. You know what I’m saying? Is the lotion the brain? The brain is lotion? Motion in the ocean, thought in the lotion. They can happen at the same time, okay? Motion in the ocean, thought in the lotion, Motion in the ocean, thought in the lotion. You don’t have to sing it out loud. That’s the kind of thing that you would find out that there was a rapper who is now calling the brain, lotion, and you would be like, ah, it kinda makes sense, but now that we said it, it’ll never catch on. I’m really going for some top hairs now. You’re gonna be the straightest you’ve ever been. Jenna’s like, I’m not taking that bait. I do think I want to go with a middle part. You have so much hair that you could not have a face. Look at this. Is that cool? It’s wild, man. Like literally, you’re a wild man. Oh, that’s pretty good. My face is still under that curtain of hair, just so you know. Oh. You could tell by the way my hand is moving that I forgot. You’ve forgotten. Forgotten where the face is. That’s pretty good, right? That looks like a wig. Like a bad guy on a children’s television show, that also plays the good guy . You know what I’m saying? Cause he plays everybody? Yeah, cause it’s just one guy. Jenna, can you hold that hair back, like that? Mm-hmm. Oh. What are you doing man? Was that convincing? So loud. I look like Charles Manson. Oh! Is that how he acted? He did that thing that one time. Oh yeah, I remember that. In the interview. I’m gonna poke your eye out man. Listen, if I poke your eye out cause you’re doing a Manson impression, you do not get to poke my eye out. I got a lot of ideas in my lotion. Jenna loves the Charles Manson impersonation. That’s her jam! I can control your lotion too. We’re gonna put the straightened hair up in a tie so that we can straighten the beard . That’s right Rhett, we’re also gonna straighten your beard. Tell me if it hurts now. Just keep it moving. What about this– Stay away from the mustache. But the mustache needs to be straight! The mustache is straight as crap, dude. I wonder if there’s a difference. Well it needs to be, we’re vlogging in here. You just got sporked! Oh! Wait, you guys are filming? Hi. Oh, sorry. We have to cover his . So do you wanna– It’s a crossover! Are we being sporked? You’re being sporked right now. Okay, so how this works. You guys seen the show. You caught me in a compromising time. Yeah! So this is our coffee chocolate pork loin french dip. What? How’s it? It’s the best thing I’ve had all day but I haven’t eaten until right now. That’s still great! A backhanded compliment is still a compliment. No, it’s really good. It’s legitimately good. Do you wanna get sporked? Can I get sporked? Do you mind if I spork you with the spork that I sporked Rhett with? I kinda mind it, but I’m also wanting to get sporked pretty badly. Oh, Link’s been on the spork train. Oh, okay. Tastes good. It’s good, right? Oh, your hair looks great. It’s gonna be completely straight. That’s the great thing about people making videos that you’re not in. You’re gonna wanna also go– Is that you don’t know what you’re being fed. From the bottom and get that. I would say that thing could get hung on your chin, but we know that’s never gonna happen. Turn this this way and use it as a mask. Is this really getting a lot straighter though? It’s getting straight. Got a Qui-Gon Jinn happening. I’m searching after my wife . He’s always searching for somebody . Rhett, are you ready to be revealed to the world as functioning member of society? Mm-hmm. Ladies and gentlemen, the new, refined Rhett McLaughlin. Hi. I’m straight. Have you ever been to the Natural History Museum and they’ve got those dioramas of cavemen and they’re strangely kempt? You’re like a strangely kempt– Homo straight-ian. Welcome class. I see you all brought your lotion today. Everyone has lotion. Today I would like you all to open your lotion to me. I feel incredible. Hey, watch it! If you saw this guy, you’d be like, that mans knows something. He has information that I must access. Oh wow. Could you quit touching me like that please? I’ve gotten so comfortable touching your hair that I want it to be perfect. I mean, this guy doesn’t work with anybody. You know what I’m saying? Like, this guy is a solo act. Does not work well with others. There is no way that this guy is a part of a creative partnership. He is a part of his own creative partnership that is all inside his own lotion. The motion is in the ocean. What was it? The motion’s in the ocean, but the lotion’s in the, we’ll put it in text around you. The motion in the ocean. And it’s all within your own lotion. Pull the hair. Put it behind the ears. Whoa. I mean, when you put it behind your ers. Totally different. You look like an Avett brother. People say I’m good with the licks. The music already exists in the universe. You just gotta get aligned with it and it’ll come into your lotion and then you just gotta bring it out into the potion. You know what I’m saying? And you gotta get it in there. I think we’ve really cleaned you up and now you can be a functioning member of society and you know what? People aren’t gonna look at you funny anymore, Rhett. That’s right. I should go get a loan. Do you know what my credit score is? I do have a guess and it’s double digits. I don’t think you can have a credit score of 99. You know what Link? I’m real happy you didn’t burn me. I’m a little unhappy you didn’t burn yourself, but I think we bonded a little bit. Next time, we’ll do something to your hair. No, probably not. Nope, nope. Something like that.