Two guys, two shirts, different colors, it’s a new day. But that’s not what this is about. This is about the fact that we read your comments. Even if we’d rather not, we can’t help ourselves. And we saw what you said about, you know, not just Link, but also me, both of us, when we tried to cut onions in the video where I made beans for Link. I coulda done that. You cut to the root. I’ve already screwed up. You’ve already screwed up! And then you put a bunch of little things in there, like this. You’re just doing it now! You’re gonna actually do the dicing part. Woo! Apparently, we can’t cut onions. Now, it is a known fact that I can’t be trusted with a knife. But this was very specific. Matter of fact, I screenshotted a Reddit comment when the vlog was posted over there. Kristal010 commented, “New vlog idea: “Rhett and Link learn how to cut an onion.” Let me tell you this, Kristal. With a K. By the end of this video, we’re both gonna be experts at cutting onions and Link is gonna be completely comfortable with a knife. Ha! Actually, I can’t promise that second part. Look at that, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Let the record show I’m starting off with ten fingers. We don’t have any of the utensils. We don’t even have a cutting board, we don’t have onions. We’re gonna go to the grocery store and get the things that we need. These things here at the door. It’s like a blower. It’s called an air curtain. An air curtain? It keeps the cold air in just by blowing it down. Let’s get a Redbox, man. This still happens. I was in here the other day and I saw a whole family. At the Redbox? Arguing at the Redbox, it was wonderful. We gotta get our produce, but– Look at that, you wanna sit up there? No, I’m not interested in getting kicked out. I’m interested in getting what we need. Where would the onions be? I’ll betcha the onions would be where all the round stuff is. Here’s the round stuff. Round stuff, round stuff. Elongated round stuff. More round stuff. Round stuff over here. Paler round stuff, greener round stuff. Smaller and greener round stuff. All right, Link, I have an onion bounty. Call me Round Stuff. All right, Round Stuff, they’ve got yellow onions, red onions, white onions and sweet yellow onions. I’d like a Vidalia. I think that would be sweet yellow. Vidalia? You want sweet yellow, but I think we’re about to do somethin’ else because all three of these look a lot better. So we’re gonna get the cheap ones. I have a good knife at my house, but… We’re not at your house. Right. Oh yeah, here we go. What do you think the best knife that we can get at a grocery store is? I don’t actually see a knife at all. There’s a knife. That’s a paring knife, that’s not what we need. What the crap is that? Is that a bicycle pump? Ratcheting pineapple slicer. You wanna just learn how to slice a pineapple? ‘Cause… You should get that. Now, we have a serious problem here. We may have to go by my house and get a real knife. But we should get a cutting board. Oh, look, there it is. What is that? So we can cook the onions. We don’t need to cook ’em, we just need to– You can’t slice that many onions and not eat ’em. All right, fine. All right, so we’ve got– I gotta get some oil. I don’t know what I would do without all of these signs up here. What you got? I got avocado oil ’cause it just makes me feel like I’m Californian. There’s the lady who filmed our vlog last time. Oh, she’s here? She’s in the self-checkout lane again. Oh yeah, we’re gonna do that. How do you know that’s onions? Let’s call the attendant just because I like her. Help is on the way. Rhett & Link back at the grocery store. We got– This time we got… Onions! We got… Cutting board! All right, you guys are so tall. Bend down a little bit so I can get the hair. You gotta tilt up. Frying pans. Ah, okay, I got you. Cutting board! Did you get that? I got cutting board. We got a thing that’s gonna take the core out of a pineapple, but we didn’t even buy a pineapple. Oh, we gotta buy a pineapple. Do you have pineapples? Pineapple costs $3. That’s a steal. We got a nice surface for cutting, which is– A stove. A stove top. Onions. The reason why I’m so bad with knives is because I don’t really know how to use a knife. I can use a dull knife to spread some peanut butter. Does that feel sharp? Lemme see if I can shave you with it. I don’t think you know how to shave a face. That’s your problem. We gotta google that, too. I’m gonna go ahead and google how to cut an onion. Can we first just watch our video to see what we did wrong? First you start, then you start cutting into it. Was he holding it like this? “Why are you wearing your jackets in the house?” “Why are you wearing your shoes in the house?” “Is that an American thing?” I screwed it up. See, the problem is I tried to do something that Josh said and I immediately screwed it up. That wasn’t helpful, that just made us feel stupid. Yeah, but that’s kinda the point. How to cut an onion. Now, there’s a Gordon Ramsay video, How To Finely Chop An Onion. But we can’t show you that video. We’re not gonna let them listen to it, either. No, we’re just gonna take it in and then do exactly the same thing. Holy, okay! Oh, wow! Okay, I knew that this had something to do with it! The first thing that he says in this video that we’re not gonna show you because we don’t want a copyright strike is that you keep the root intact. Well, we already knew that you leave the root on because if you cut that off it’s gonna make you cry. It makes the onion bleed and you’ll start crying like crazy. The weight of the blade? How heavy is your blade? It’s not that heavy, man. That’s a good, that’s a good– It’s pretty light. Careful, it’s a good knife. Oh, let’s look at how he was holding the knife. He’s got his hands literally on the blade. Just let the weight of the blade… Is that what he did? Yeah, ’cause he had two, the same halves of the onion, but he kept the root intact. Why’d you put that on the grill? You wanna grill it? Maybe. You’re gonna sit down? I’m just too big, sorry. Now you’re a little too small! Just for a little bit. Every step of cooking creates something that has to be cleaned up. Cooking is just creating mess. He was holding it like this. So these two fingers, three fingers. And then this finger’s in front of these two fingers. Why are you goin’ back and forth? Rhett, you’re not doin’ it right! Yeah I am. You’re not using your knuckle. Like this? Yeah, use your knuckle. You don’t have to do that, though. He did one in the middle, and he said pointing slightly down. So you don’t hit your hand. Hold it together, hold it together! It’s falling apart! I’m trying, I’m trying. And then he said another one at the top. Why does his stay together? I hate him. Let the weight of the knife to the work, he says. Yep, that’s all that’s happening. Knife weight. Those onions look pretty good, man. Oh god. That’s pretty good! I’m startin’ to cry a little bit. Oh, gosh, oh! Just kidding. That looks pretty good. That looks like some straight-up frickin’– That looks like deli. Restaurant onions, man. Put ’em in that pan over there. Yeah, I will. It’s still got the– It’s still got the paper on it! Yeah. We’ll worry about that later. I wanna practice this. Film me, man, film me! See that, right there? See the three? I got the three, the triumvirate. But how ’bout, your finger, don’t, yep. Jeez, push this back. Do we have a first aid kit here in our new home? No, and listen, I’m not driving you to the hospital. I’ll call an ambulance. All right, get an onion. Okay, so what do I do now? Here’s what Ramsay told me. He said the first thing you do is you cut the onion in half. This way? Yeah, and you keep the root. I feel like we need a sharper knife, and I feel like I… You want to cut into the onion repeatedly, like that. Go all the way across. Oh. I wanna get rid of this bit out here. You can, you can, just cut it off. Look at that, look what you did. Look what you did, man. You did that. I did that. Yeah, look at that. Look at that, look at that. I need to be able to cut, ’cause I like good diced onion on a sandwich. But I never put it on a sandwich because I don’t know how to do this. You can’t dice it, right, you can’t dice it. I’m making dad noises. This is going so much slower than it was on the internet. Well this is my first time, man. Your first time is supposed to be slow. We both are doing this so slowly. Watch it at three times the speed, or whatever the rule is. Don’t cut yourself. That’s not constructive, man. Angle down, I’m angling below. Don’t go all the way, stop! Now do another one. I don’t understand what this cut’s doing. Yeah you do, you’re just making another– Don’t tell me what I understand! You’re making another cut so that when you dice it it’s even another small piece. Hey, that’s pretty good, man. As you get comfortable, just speed up. Just speed up. Let the weight of the knife work. Watch that thumb. That’s good, see? That was specific, I like it. Watch that thumb in particular. At that moment– Your thumb looked dead. Your thumb looked like it wasn’t playing. Everything else was paying attention and your thumb was like, “What are we doing?” There’s probably like practice gloves. “Guys, you know there are practice cutting gloves.” You know somebody’s already said that. “You really shouldn’t have done this, “this is irresponsible.” Don’t tell us what’s irresponsible. That’s right, we’ll be the judge of that. I’d put those diced onions up against Gordon Ramsay’s diced onions any day. I wanna watch a different video on how to cut an onion. You wanna watch Rachael Ray? Yes. She’s saying that the way to do it is different than the way that Gordon did it. Oh, that’s easier. Rachael Ray! Rachael Ray got it easy! Rachael Ray. All right, let’s do this, let’s do this. Okay, this is better, this is definitely better. The first thing that she said to do– Chop it in half. Is to chop it half. I wanna make sure that I’m actually cutting that root directly in half. Cut that off. Cut off the end. And now you can just peel this off, basically all in one piece. Yes! Thank you, Rachael! Maybe we can go on Rachael’s show and cut onions. Just come in here and just slice. Ooh, yeah, ooh, yeah! Ooh! Perfect, Rhett! And then, very simply, if you want sliced onions, you just cut off the top and you’ve got sliced onions. But if you want diced onions, you just come in here just like that. ‘Cause they’re diced by nature. Yeah, she’s saying they’re already in layers. Why do you need to create more layers? I mean, that’s as diced as I need. Look at this. We just… Toss ’em right back in there. We got so many onions, we’re gonna have a great onion party. All right, so this is how you… Oh, I’m goin’ like this, man. I’m Mark Roper on this piece. Hoo-wee! Nice cut, Neal! You know what to do now. I don’t even need to tell you. See, and if I really get over it… Yeah, really. Man, my eyes are burning big time. The chef gets through the tears, man. Cut through the tears! My nose is runnin’. My eyes are really startin’ to, like, bleed tears, man. Yeah, nice finger adjustment. Don’t sleep! We been on Food Network before, and I’m not talking about channel surfing. We were guest judges on somethin’. That’s right. What was it? Future Food Network Star! Ha! Hi! Yeah. Hey! Yeah. Rachael Ray! Yeah. Rachael Ray, this is for you, Rachael! Rachael Ray! Woo! I’m cryin’ for you, Rachael. Oh yeah. You didn’t get me, man. I don’t fall for that crap. Look at this right here. I’ve never done anything this spectacular in my entire life. I’m crying, man. Always remove the paper– The packaging, before you cook with something. That’s a pile of onions. Just a little bit. That’s good. Ooh, yeah, look at those onions. While these are gettin’ nice, let’s try out that pineapple thing. I just cut another fruit. That’s not another fruit. That’s a fruit, that’s a vegetable. “I just cut another fruit!” “Hold pineapple while pushing down firmly “on the handle and twist clockwise 180 degrees.” Don’t let me down. I’m just observing at this point. Oh. My. Goodness. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Here, take over. Here we go. Pull up slowly. See that, Rachael Ray? What you think, girl? Take it, and you put it in your onions! Yeah, buddy! Hold that up. Look at that. It’s like garnish. It’s like Christmastime here. We gotta invite people over. This is gonna be our first party ever here. Look at that. Welcome to the Rhett & Link Luau! We’ve got everything except the pig! Do we not have any utensils? We have no forks, we have plates, we have no spoons. ‘Cause why would we need that stuff? Onion-y pineapple. It’s good. This is not a cooking channel. It’s not gonna be a cooking channel. We just wanted to prove to you that we ain’t losers. I don’t think anyone who as watched to this point is startin’ to think, “Hey, “I think this could be a cooking channel.” If you wanna see somebody who actually knows what they’re doing… Watch Rachael Ray. I’m just kiddin, Josh. Josh is gonna know that his job is very, very safe. Yeah, very safe. I think this is good. I think it’s good, too. Mission accomplished. We did it. Your hand made a weird noise. Like it was– I think that was your mouth.