Today we debate: Pirates – Versus Ninjas – Let’s talk about that. ♪ (theme music) ♪ – Good Mythical Morning! – Before we get started we wanna let you know that we have pre-released our next sketch of Sketchtober, that’s right, it is live now on vessel.com/rhettandlink It’s called “BFFs” so go over there and check it out or click the link in the description. Pre-released! – Please do that! Okay. Last time on Debate-o-Rama we debated Flight versus Invisibility, and congratulations Link. Invisibility took it home by the slightest… – I’m told it was very narrow. – …of margins. Slightest of margins. – You know what, but don’t congratulate me, this is not a popularity contest. – Congratulate invisibility. – This is about the subject matter and I wanna keep going back to that. We are resolving issues of as it is time today… – Important things. – Today one is one that’s always the internet, right? – This is important, yeah. Pirates VS. Ninjas. We did a little research, boopity boop boop Went to knowyourmeme(.com), that’s how we do the research around here, and we learned that this debate goes back to 2003, when a man named Robert Hamburger, yes, Robert Hamburger… – Great name. – …started posting… – Robert. – …fake movie scripts pitting Pirates VS. Ninjas on his website realultimatepower.net. Best website name ever. – (laughs) – And of course that has been a heated debate ever since. But today we are going to settle it once and for all in another Debate-O-Rama! To the debate zone! ♪ (fake clapping and debate music) ♪ – (whispers) Don’t talk about the scandal. – (whispers) The scandal? Oh you mean my personal scandal. Oh it’ll blow over, they always do. – (Moderator [M]) Good morning Mr. Rhett and Mr. Link. – Good morning to you, kind moderator. M – Today we’re debating Pirates VS. Ninjas – Good Morning Mythical Beasts. Thank you everyone for watching. M – Link you’re gonna go first… -I’ll take Ninjas! – I will gladly take Pirates. Neither one of us have prepared… – (laughs) – …and we haven’t written anything down here. M – Link you’re going first, you’ll have 90 seconds for your introduction, and it begins now. – Take a moment, and picture your ideal life. What do you see? Do you see yourself on a giant ship? Yes you do. The open ocean stretching out in all directions. All your best mates surrounding you. Adventure on the horizon and unlimited Rum at your fingertips. No, I haven’t just described a weekend on Leonoardo Di’Caprio’s yacht, I have described every single day in the life of a pirate. Like Leo, pirates are glamorous. They’re talented, they have impeccable facial hair, they’re seasoned travelers with a vast knowledge of the world, and, of fashion! Plus, they have awesome names. (pirate voice) Blackbeard, Bluebeard, Cap’n Jack, Calico Jack, The Barbarosa Brothers. Name one ninja. Pirates are entertaining. So much so, Disney gave them their own theme park ride. If ninjas had a ride, it’d be so boring you wouldn’t even know what was happening until it was over! But who makes a theme park ride that’s so amazing that it’s adapted into one of the biggest Blockbuster movie franchises of all time? (pirate voice) Ayy, me hearties. It’d be only pirates. But most importantly, pirates take command. Pirates don’t ask where you wanna have dinner, they tell you. And then they take you to the most incredible restaurant you’ve ever dined at. Then they order for you, because it’s perfect! They know exactly what you want, when you want it, before you want it, before you even know what you wanted! Then they lean in close and they whisper, “I am the captain now.” Yes you are. Yes…you…arrrrrrrrre. (timer dings) M – Thank you Mr. Link. Mr. Rhett, it’s time for your 30 second cross-examination. – They order perfectly at dinners. – You said name one ninja? I can name a few. How about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, there’s four of those… – Name a REAL ninja. – …they’re not pirate ninjas, pirate turtles. Power Rangers, technically ninjas. A 1993 film, Surf Ninjas? Ever heard about that? – They look more like motorcyclists. – 1992 film, 3 Ninjas, that’s 3 kids that were ninjas. Even kids can be ninjas. – You’re already reaching, this is great. – And technically, Batman is a ninja. With an amazing utility belt. And let me point out that a yacht and a pirate ship are very dissimilar. M – Alright Mr. Rhett, – And Leo Di’Caprio is not… (bell dings) M – Order, please. Mr. Rhett it’s time for your 90 second introduction. – I would like to thank everybody here and the Mythical Beasts, unlike my debater did. – You’re welcome. – Imagine for a moment that you’re sitting at your kitchen table enjoying a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats and chocolate milk with a spoonful of peanut butter. – (laughs) Okay. – The room is still and silent. Nothing seems out of the ordinary, when suddenly and unexpectedly you feel a sharp pain as your head slowly slides off your neck and onto the floor. And then your neck spouts blood like those fountains in front of the Bellagio. You sir, have just been slain by a ninja. Stealth. Espionage. Sabotage. Infiltration. Assassination. These are the hallmarks of the highly trained and highly skilled killers known as ninjas. Scurvy. Body Odor. Peg Legs. Drunken Stupors. Shoulder Parrots. These are the hallmarks of the clearly inferior and deck-scrubbing LOSERS known as pirates! If you had to choose between a ninja and a pirate to be your best friend, would you choose the sweaty guy with the weird sort of British accent who’s always intoxicated and trying to steal your stuff? – Aye. – Or would you choose the totally cool guy who’s always dressed in black, keeps to himself and can silently kill anyone who’s giving you trouble? Ninjas have cemented their status as one of history’s greatest and most feared combatants. They don’t need me to argue for them. But because I believe so thoroughly in their superiority, I will stand against the sea-faring scourge that is Piratism and say, “Long live the ninja!” The ultimate killing machine. – Mmm. M – Alright, thank you Mr. Rhett. – (making shooting and whipping noises) – Had a little extra time so you started (bell dings) doing sound effects. (crew laughter) – Yeah. Yeah, why not? – Okay. – Problem with that, pirate boy? M – Mr. Link, 30 second cross-examination. Why is a ninja assassinating me during breakfast. I mean, what’s going on here? – Because he can… – Is that a personal threat? – …he can. – That’s a low blow. – He can and you won’t know. – Have you ever seen cool facial hair on a ninja? – Yes, have you seen a kung fu moustanche? – That’s not a ninja, Rhett… – But it could be! – …that’s a kung fu master! – Yeah, but he could be a ninja. it comes right out the front of the mask! – This is not in the debate. Have you ever seen a ninja have fun? – I think killing people is fun. (crew laughter) – You do? – I mean, I imagine it to be. – Alright, they are unapproachable and they’re elitist. And they are not fun loving. – (bell rings) M – Mr. Link, order! Mr. Rhett it’s time for your first rebuttal, you have 30 seconds. – Ninja weapons include: katanas, foot knuckle spikes, throwing stars, iron whips, smoke bombs, batons, kamas, spikes, nunchucks or numchucks as I called them until I was 18, and even utility belts to hold all these tools of assassinery. Pirates have: wooden legs, hooks for hands, eyepatches, since when is no depth perception something to be admired in a warrior? You got anything for me? – Absolutely. Is it my turn? Can I go? (bell rings) M – Mr. Link it’s time for your… – You can respond to me while I’m talking. – Yes I’ve got something for you… (both laugh) – That was… M – Stick to format, guys. – I’m sticking to the format. I’m playing by the rules. But I am a pirate, I can break the rules. – You think a wooden leg is negative? – I don’t want one. – A wooden leg is a sign of persistence. A ninja with one eye, one hand, and one foot is replaced. A pirate with those things is elevated. You know why? Because he becomes humanized. – That is a messed up system. – He wears his shortcomings on his sleeve. Ninjas cower in mummy costumes. How do they even breathe? How do they even live with themselves? Cold hearted killers. What about the booty? – What about the booty? (bell dings) (crew laughter) – Yeah, they gotta know about the booty. Pirates have guns and swords, get with the times, ninjas! – Ninjas don’t have a problem in that area. M – We need order! – Ninjas need to up your tech! – Ever heard of April O’Neal? M – Calm down, please calm down. – Upgrade your tech, ninjas. M – Please calm down. – They got big guns, they’re called cannons. Heard of that? M – Alright Mr. Rhett, it’s time for your second rebuttal. – Upgrade your tech. M – You have 30 seconds. – Captain Hook lost to a twelve year old boy who wears tights. – That’s debatable. – Let that sink in for a second. Name one ninja who’s ever been defeated by a twelve year old boy in tights. You seen Captain Phillips? Do you remember that movie? – Yeah. – Do you know the pirates? – Good movie. – They come on there, they corner Tom Hanks, which is not really that hard to do… – I’m the captain now. – …he’s kind of out of shape. It doesn’t end well for the pirates. They get shot in the head by snipers at the end. That’s not somewhere… (bell dings) M – Mr. Rhett… – …I wanna be. Even modern day pirates are lame. – But they lived a life of adventure and made a great movie. (crew laughter) M – Mr. Link you have 30 seconds. – Has Johnny Depp ever played a ninja? The guy who played Mordecai and Tonto didn’t touch ninja, that’s gotta tell you something. – Johnny Depp is on the way down, man. He’s on the way out. That’s not an impressive argument to me at all. – Blackbeard would coil smoking fuses into his beard, just for the effect of it. That’s just fun, y’all. (crew laughter) I mean, who do you wanna take to a party? “Hey look, I’m comin’ to the party, man! I got my friend Blackbeard here, his FACE is on fire!” – I don’t want my friends to show me up. I wanna be the center of attention. (bell dings) M – Alright… – This ninja just followed me here… – I want to be the center of attention… M – Order! Order! – I don’t know his name… – And he could kill you just as soon as look at you. M – Please. – He doesn’t say much, he’s kinda sad. M – Okay, please (laughing) – What about the parrots? What about the parrots? M – Please calm down. – I don’t know how he’s gonna eat a nacho at your party. – Parrots are annoying, they poop on your… M – Please stop… – …shoulder, they repeat everything you say. Ninjas ain’t got time for parents (laughs) parrots. M – It’s time for our closing statements. – Or parents. Ninjas don’t have parents. M – (laughing) Mr. Rhett, it’s time for your closing statement. You have 30 seconds. – Ninjas don’t need fame or fortune for what they do. They do it for honor and integrity. While pirates are out on ships with a bunch of dudes for months on end eating fish guts and getting scurvy while talking to parrots and having naughty thoughts about manatees… – (laughing) – Ninjas are busy assassinating people without ever being seen. I’ll leave you with a quote from Master Splinter. (old ninja voice) “The path that leads to what we truly desire is long and difficult. But only by following that path do we achieve our goal.” That path is, without a doubt, the path of a (ninja sound effects) ninja (more sound effects). (bell dings) M – Okay, Mr. Link. – That impersonation was not appropriate. – I threw four Chinese stars at the end. They all hit you. M – You have 30 seconds for your closing statement, Mr. Link. – Now, you must choose. Do you want to be remembered as a silent predator creeping on unsuspecting passers-by and tossing cute little stars around? Or! Do you wanna be remembered as a (pirate voice) King of the Seas, and a fun-lovin’ booty-hoarder? (everyone laughs) – If you even want to be remembered at all be a pirate. No one knows who ninjas are! They could all be Gilbert Gottfried in a shinobi, we’ll never know! (pirate voice) Ay, more importantly, we’ll never care. As I close, I’d like to leave you all, with a parting gift. The taste of pirate. That’s right, it’s the most amazing snack, invented by pirates (bell dings) and enjoyed by everyone, Pirate’s Booty! That’s right, you know you want some, you can’t resist it. Put your hand in there and grab some booty. – I don’t want your booty. – Grab some booty. – You can have all the booty you want, I don’t want any booty. – Come on, crew. You know you want some of that booty. Yeah, open your mouths, open wide. M – This concludes our debate. – Stop pandering! – Mythical Beasts, open wide! – This is pandering! Just like a pirate. – Your mouth is open wide for the pirate booty. – I’m gonna stand in the corner and just keep to myself. – Oh man. Aged White Cheddar. M – Thank you for joining us (laughing). – What is that? – It’s aged white cheddar, boy! – Thank you for liking and commenting… – (pirate voice) Swab the deck, you wench! – …and subscribing and voting for ninjas… – In the comments below (coughing) I’m choking on a pirate booty. – You know what time it is. – “Hi, I’m Drew from Pennsylvania, and it’s time to spin the Wheel of Mythicality!” – Go watch our pre-released sketch, BFFs, only at vessel.com/rhettandlink – And click through to Good Mythical More where we celebrate Rhett’s birthday!! I got a gift for you, man. I got a gift! You gon’ open that. Shoutout to Pinky Toes! – Shoutout to you, pinky toes. The littlest toe on the block, if your foot is a block. – You’ve got that little toenail that really shouldn’t be there, but it has to be there because if it wasn’t there everybody would be like, “Why isn’t there a toenail there?” But it’s really tough to cut. – I was wearin’ like, flip-flops, and I was walking haphazardly and I like caught a pole with you one time and you really caused me a lot of pain, what’s up with that? – Yeah. Without you we’d have difficulty balancing. According to scientists. – Without you, I think I’d be cool.