I’m sorry I moved the wheel so much. It’s hard man. Welcome to Good Mythical Morn. We are going to taste and rank the best garlic toasts that you can buy at the store. Is it just garlic bread? Garlic breads. Put that one back under the heater. Can we just have the toasts? Put that one back under the heater. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it. Somebody’s gotta just taste garlic bread. Well, sporked.com has ranked these. Now we’re gonna independently rank them and see how it works out. But this is the ones they thought were good. And we’re just gonna, you know- There’s not one of those like- A bad one they snuck in there. But first let’s play “What’s the Word?” We’re gonna guess The definition of “muculent”. Or mu-sill-ent? Muculent, muculent. Because mu-mucus is M-U-C-U-S. I think this is when you have really succulent mucus. It’s delectable. Everyone loves it. Tasty. Everyone lines up. Every once in a while you’ll find somebody with succulent mucus. To be diagnosed the doctor has to taste it, but they usually get the PA to do it. Yeah, right. You know, PAs do most of the work. Who are we kidding? That’s what we’re talking about. Slimy. Oh! Moist. It’s another word for moist. And moderately viscous. If you don’t like to use the word moist, you can use the word mucu- What’s the pronunciation here? Is it ‘mu-sill-ent’? Or ‘muck-u-lent’? I would say ‘mu-sill-ent’. Muculent. We’re looking. I agree. They are looking. Stevie agrees. Oh, hard C. Muculent. Muculent. Muculent. Muculent. Muculent. Really? But also you can’t just sub-in moist, cuz it has to have the viscosity of slime. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s not just moist, it’s also viscus. But moderately so. First up we’ve got Stater Bros. Garlic Dinner Rolls. Stater Bros. is always the grocery store that’s like, if you go skiing they’ve got a Stater Bros. in that town. Like a small town ski place. There’s one in Big Bear. And there’s one in another ski town that I go to. The one on Mammoth? Yes. You’re skiing and there’s- California remote grocery. And when you go skiing you gonna want to come back to some garlic rolls, man. I’ve been meaning to tell you, I’ve discovered something. This is good. I’ve been going to the grocery store a little bit more recently. Good for you. And cooking for the fam, or just cooking for me and Shepherd. I told you this I think, on a previous episode, that I have found the frozen section in a way that I’ve never found it before. And I thought about you and the fact that you can’t- Like, you dug a tunnel? Yeah. And popped up into it? And I thought about you and the fact that you can’t cook but I do believe you can operate appliances. I do believe- And follow directions. Yeah, I can do that. They have so many things in the frozen section! Like, all these breads! But also full meals! I thought it was just like- We never ate that growing up. Jessie doesn’t get any of that stuff. I’m not talking, like, Hungry-Man. I’m talking, like, legit-stuff man. You can go to the frozen section. There’s vegetables that are pre-seasoned, that you just put a bag in the microwave and it steams ’em. All kinds of things like that. You! If you didn’t tell anybody, you could go to the frozen section. Come home, tell everybody to leave. And then plate it. And they would be like, “Dad, what got into you?” And you would be like, “A little bit of money.” And I took the rest of the frozen section of the Stater Bros.. I came upon the frozen section in a way I never have before. I’m just saying, I believe it’s a whole new world for you, that makes you feel like you’re cooking. You’re talking like, parallel universe, divorced version of me. Yeah, but I’m starting to do it more often. You’re trying to get me get divorced? No, cuz I’ve been trying to eat more veggies. What’s your problem man? And then I go- But then I go to the produce section. I’m like, “Well, I’m gonna get this fresh broccoli. Take it home and steam it and put butter and seasoning on it.” No! Somebody’s already done that. And it’s in this little bag that I can put in a microwave. It’s better y’all. I mean, Sporked goes neck deep in all of that stuff. But bring in the next one. Let’s compare the two. This has gotta be better cuz this got cheese on it. Oh goodness. What made me think about it, cuz I saw these off of there- New York. I got this last time that I went to the grocery store. I got New York Texas Toast, but I didn’t get the five cheese. I just got the garlic bread. Good gracious. Woo, man! Look at that. Look at that. It’s just ready. Stevie, you ever do the frozen thing? Not really. Also, the example you gave of steaming broccoli being hard is a really interesting one, out of all the things. It’s not that it’s hard. For me. Yeah. It’s like five steps though. Broccoli. Gotta tear it apart, cut it up, put it in this steamer. I’m talking, bag, microwave, presto. You’re done. Yeah. Yeah. I have heard of this. I definitely have. Presto! This is really tasty. I don’t know if they’ve done a steamed broccoli rating over on Sporked. This is not actually garlicky. Does it say garlic on the thing? I mean it says five cheese, of course. This one’s better than that one. It’s got some garlic in there. I taste some garlic. This one is more garlicky. This one’s more cheesy. We’re gonna rank the cheesy garlic over just the garlic. I mean, garlic is the first ingredient after the bread. Bakes in five to eight minutes? See what I’m talking about, man? Yeah you’re right, dude. Oh, I know I’m right. That’s nice. So, this is more classic. The Farm can bring it. Pepperidge Farm, they do no wrong. This is good for, like- Cuz how many pieces are here? with a five person family, eight slices. We’re still good! This is what my mom used to get. Yeah. You set it in there just like that. And you just bake it, and then you cut it up into these little slices. This is gonna require a little bit of slicing, but I believe you can handle that. Is it pre-sliced? Uh, I think it’s pre-sliced. No, you’re gonna have to slice it. You’re gonna have to slice it, but it might have perforations. Are you sure? Perforations, just so you know where to slice it. Did you have to slice it, Trevor? I didn’t do it. I’m glad you’re here. Listen, that’s what we’ve come to now. That’s what we’ve come to. We get Trevor to do something, and he gets somebody else to do it. He didn’t even know who did it. You know what they say? Something rolls downhill. Garlic bread. Oh! Oh, that’s a classic garlic bread. Oh! I think it might be better than this. But I was impressed by this. This is really tasty, but there’s a lot more butter. Hmm? The ratio’s better for this. I think. I’m saying this, is better than this. I agree! But not better than this. This is just so good because of the cheese. But I feel like the cheese is doing a lot of heavy lifting. That’s fine. But it’s not classic. If I put this on the table, everyone would flip out. They’ll flip out, and if I put this on the table everybody would just be happy. But here’s the thing. This is like a fresh flip out, man. For very little effort, you could put both on the table. That’s what I’m saying, Link. You could put both on the table, and they’d be like, “What got into dad?” I’m trying to help you out. I can be a general dad. You don’t seem receptive. Just so you know. No, I am. You kind of, got that skeptical, ‘When is he gonna shut up about this’ kind of vibe going on right now. I’m coming around. I’m telling you right now, if you wanna make your family happy, you need to get on that frozen train. “Snowpiercer”. That’s what they’ll call you. Dad comes home, he’s got frost all over him. His arm is missing cuz he stuck it outside of the train. Or he left it inside the frozen section too long. Snowpiercer dad is back, and he got all kinds of goodies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Coming outta the frozen section. This is Signature SELECT, Italian inspired. Garlic Parmesan Breadsticks. They just say right away, “We’re not Italian but we’re inspired by them.” Yeah. These did not require slicing. Okay. So you got nobody to do this. Oh that’s doughy. This is dope. Oh, that’s dope! Man! You’ve never sincerely used the word ‘Dope’, have you? I mean- I’ve said, “Slanging dope.” before. To refer to a drug dealer. Yeah, but you haven’t said it just as a compliment? This is active past tense. Slanged dope? Slanging dope. Slanging dope is present participle. Slang? Slangin’! It would be slinging. Slangin’. People would say, “What are you in for?” And I would be like, “Slangin’ dope.” No! Oh, so you’re saying the past participle of ‘Slinging dope’, is ‘Slanging dope.” Yeah. Well I think it’s just more- If you’re actively doing it, you’re slinging the dope. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you’ve ‘Slang’ it, you’ve ‘Slung’ it. No, Stevie. You can slang some dope in this thing, right here. Slangin’ dope is present tense. Is it? It’s just more- Don’t sneak that on the plane. It’s just more colloquial. It’s more slangish. I’m a big fan of these breadsticks. They’re very soft. But it’s not as good as just regular garlic bread, is it? I’ll tell you, yeah. I’m thinking- They’re so tasty though. They really are tasty. I don’t think it is, as good as, regular garlic bread. These are better than that, dude. Even though, I want to love it. These are better than what? These are better than those. These are really good though. Even though those are really good. Oh yeah, I don’t disagree. We’re doing this? Cause I feel like… Oh, I just dropped a lot of sticks. Like every other stick that wasn’t baked just dropped onto my boots. Outta the box. Yeah, because I’m trying to show you the right side. Trevor? You blew it. The horizontal wave of the pods. That’s how we opened it. If you look at that. Oh, I know what you were thinking Trevor. No, you could have opened this side. It’s horizontal. You could’ve opened either side again. Again, I didn’t do it. He didn’t do it. Your person did that. Oh, now we have a rival. So this one does not have a top. We have a rival. Hold on, wait! For this garlic. Hold on, hold it! Did you see what just happened? I was like, this is upside down. And that was like, well this is upside down. Look. Yeah, that’s upside down. No, it’s not. Oh! Do you see what’s happening? This is so you get this in your hand and you never stop turning it. Because this is how it cooks. But the back is all one way. It’s friction oriented- Activated. This is Parmesan Romano Garlic Bread from L’oven Fresh. L’oven Fresh. Is it, L apostrophe Oven? Yeah. Hmm. Mhmm. Nope. It’s crispy. Where’s the garlic? Where’s the butter? Not nearly as much garlic as Pepperidge Farm. It’s got shredded cheese on top. This one is clearly inferior to the Pepperidge Farm. I agree with you, but they’re all so good. I’m gonna put that one lowest, because it’s not enough of anything. And if you taste this- Is it not better than Stater Bros? This has got a strong flavor, man. I agree. Alright. We gotta push this one. So, this one’s all the way to the end. And then what? I’m gonna tell you right now- Is this all of them? Yeah. I’m gonna tell you right now that I kind of, think I know the way that Sporked thinks about things. And the Sporked Team is all about, in my experience, expectations. And sort of, adherence to a category, is important to them. And I think they would be reticent to put the cheesy one at the top, even though it is the best. Hmm. Yeah. And I’m gonna be very happy to find out that this one’s their number one. And I’m tempted to make it my number one. I’m switching it, man. Switch it. Yeah. It tastes the best but it’s the cheese. If you’re just talking straight up bread- There’s not enough garlic in it. Pepperidge Farm is doing it. Coming in at number one, Pepperidge Farm. Followed by New York bakery. So, you got those two. The rest? You know, they ranked Stater Bros. next. Okay. Then L’oven. Then Signature Select. Yeah. I’m not surprised by that, Cuz a breadstick, is a breadstick, is a breadstick. You know what I mean? There’s only so much flavor you can get into this thing. But, they got a pretty good amount of flavor in there. If you do it right and it stays soft, like whoever did Trevor’s work- I feel great that we were the same in the number one, and in the number two spot. Yeah, it seemed like those are the top two. How do you make decisions about things and eat so little of it? Oh, you’re talking to me now? Yeah, because I’m completely eating this whole thing, and you had- There’s one bite. How do you know what it even tastes like? I probably tasted it three times. I’ve tasted it about 12 times. I just didn’t eat the whole thing. I think there’s something superior to the form of the Pepperidge Farm. Agreed. Doesn’t it make you feel like, you did a little something? You know? Like you had to, you had to cut it. You know, the whole loaf goes in, situation. I think they cut it before it went in. Is there one in that package? Can we? I betcha there is. There is. I can get it to fall right out. I’m just saying, did they cut it, butter it and then put it in? No, no, no, it comes pre-buttered. This is one big log. Oh, look at that butter! Oh! Link, you could do this! And your family would think you did it. Let me read you the instructions. It’s so easy. I do think that’s true with the Pepperidge Farms one. There’s something about that form. Preheat oven to 400. Done. You can do I know how to do that. Yep. Remove bread from bag. Yep. I just watched you, it was very easy Place frozen bread halves, cut side up, on un-greased baking sheet. You don’t even have to grease the baking sheets. But what is a baking sheet? Hey can I just use one of the pizza pans? You know what, put it right on the rack. No one will care. Pizza pan. Put it right on the rack. If bread halves are frozen together, carefully insert fork between halves to separate. That probably won’t happen. Don’t worry. I can do that. Place baking sheet on middle oven rack. Bake for 8 to 9 minutes or until heated through. For soft center, only preheat to 350. Wrap whole loaf in foil and place on baking sheets. Too complicated, skip that. Place baking sheet on middle oven rack. Bake for 30 to 35 minutes. What? That’s too long. But when it takes takes that long it makes the family think you’re doing things Right. You know what I’m saying? Imagine the smell and the house, you know? Do not microwave. I’m telling you! Y’all got to get with that frozen section. Dang, it’s so good! The sodium; you need that too. I mean there’s no better place, than sporked.com for any kind of package or- That’s right Stevie. If you wanna have the sensation that Rhett’s talking about, just go to Spork. You don’t even have to go to the grocery store. But then, you’re gonna want to go to the grocery store. Or at least, order from the grocery store. Best White Bread. Best Cinnamon Raisin Bread. Best Dinner Rolls. Get your gluten fix. Here, it’s all about letting- Just like Trevor does. It’s letting people do the work for you. So, that’s the way I see the frozen section, right? The frozen section is like, I’m gonna go cook all this stuff and make mistakes and not get the seasoning right. And this company has like, figured it out. And then, I’m gonna try to make decisions about what I should be picking, when Sporked has already selected. Let Sporked work for you. Let the grocery aisle people work for you, and just sit back and relax. It’s 2023! To see what the crew over at Sporked has to say about the best garlic bread you can buy. Head to sporked.com.