Dang, man! I slept like crap last night. Yeah, I’ve had trouble sleeping all week. I got like 3 hours of sleep. Well, I didn’t sleep more than 2. Well, when I was making my cereal this morning, the milk had gone bad. Smelled like donkey ass. But I ate it anyway. Well, you’re lucky. I didn’t even have cereal this morning. It seems that the raccoons came in through the doggy door again last night and raided our entire pantry. You’re talking about The Raccoons – the little-known indie band from British Columbia or actual raccoons? Both! It was the band accompanied by actual raccoons. Sorry, I’m a bit distracted. I got a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth because yesterday, I had to eat my way out of a popcorn death trap set by my arch-nemesis, the great-grandson of Orville Redenbacher – Phineas Redenbacher. Well, yesterday when I was helping my closest friend, the great-grandson of Orville Redenbacher – Phineas Redenbacher, little popcorn death trap, he asked me to sample some of the popcorn to see if it was death-trap ready, and I bit down on an unpopped kernel and it broke my back molar. See? Oh, I’m sorry I wasn’t listening. I’ve got the last movement of Beethoven’s fifth symphony in C minor stuck in my head. And the worst part? It’s not even catchy. Talk about an ear worm. Yeah? Well, I’ve got an actual worm stuck in my ear so I didn’t hear anything that you just said. Well, I got something in my eye. Well, last night when I was trying to get the raccoons out of my pantry, one of them reached up and scratched me in the eye. Stings like a mother! Why is it just showing up now? It’s a delayed response scratch. Well, I dropped my phone in the toilet yesterday. I dropped my toilet on my phone. Neither of them work. I took Jade for a walk last night and I got bit by a mosquito. Well, Barbara sold my soul to a pack of garden spider last week. Now I have to send the rest of eternity doing the bidding of yazork, merciless spider queen. She mainly wants me to just plant more things in the garden but my back is killing me. Well, when I was a little boy, I had a younger brother named Dink that you never met because when he was two years old, I filled up hundreds of balloons with helium and I tied him to a lawn chair that he was sitting in just as a prank, he floated away, he never came back. My parents thought he had been kidnapped but I knew the truth and I’ve lived with that deep dark secret my entire life. I made my baby brother float away. I made my baby brother float away. Link! Link! Hey! Hey! That is awful, man! Hey, you can’t blame yourself, man. Come here! You can’t blame yourself for that. That’s awful! You can’t carry that kind of burden. I mean you should probably tell your parents what happened, but you can’t blame yourself. I win! I win! Oh god, I win! Baby brother, you see me? I won!